Former Reference Feels Wretched About So-Called Friend

opinion 2 I used to work with a lady, let's use the name Amber, at a daycare years ago. She's more of an acquaintance than a friend. We are friends on facebook and until recently that's about the only contact I had with her. She recently applied for a nanny job and asked to use me as a reference and I obliged. She was great while we were working at the daycare and I told the mother as much. She got the job based on my comments as well as a few other people.

The mother laid down some rules about her children and one in particular was no one is allowed in the house without the permission of the mother.

Amber called to tell me that she invited a guy over to the ladies house and they had sex in the bathroom while the kids were upstairs sleeping.

Amber is married and the guy she had over is a guy she met in a club about a month ago. I've met Amber's husband on a few occasions and he does strike me as the kind to fly off the handle, and although he knows she cheated on him in the past he does not know about this situation. The guy she had over has been in jail, though for what she doesn't know.

I don't know the mother's phone number, it was months ago that she called and it's no longer in my phone. I've also only been to the house once and it's down in a neighborhood of about 5000 homes so unless Amber gives me directions again there is no way I could figure out where exactly they live.

Should I say something to the mother and if so how do I go about finding out her info? Or do I let this go? I am also mildly worried about what Amber would do if she found out that I was the one that told the mother. I've met the mother and she doesn't strike me as all that smart so even if I asked her not to tell Amber that I was the one that told her I could still see her telling Amber anyway.

Of course it goes without saying that I am severing all ties with Amber, I don't want to be in the middle of anything when her husband finds out.


NannyP said...

Do you know the mothers last name? if so can you find her facebooks or anything like that. You can send a anonymous message that way.

MissMannah said...

Holy cow that is a crazy situation! I can't believe there are people out there who do those weird kinds of things. Yes, I think you are obliged to tell the mother. Think about if you were in that mother's position and didn't know what was going on in your house. Who cares what Amber thinks? If you know the mother's full name, you could probably google her and find out her personal info. Or you could ask around if you and Amber have any friends in common to see who knows who Amber works for.

MissMannah said...

PS: I am incredibly curious to know how you reacted when she told you what she was up to. Also, why would you be worried about her knowing you told? Is she going to react violently? If you suspect so, you shouldn't have given her a reference in the first place.

OP Here said...

That's the thing, I don't know the mother's name. I guess I can wait to cut ties with her until I find out info on the parents. I never thought I'd need that info so I didn't commit it to memory.

To put it bluntly she's white trash and I don't put anything past her or her husband. I'm not sure who all she told so my worry is if she only told me, then she's going to know who 'tattled' on her. I also spoke with a good friend of mine who also knows her, we all worked together, and she too expressed her concern about what she would do once she found out I told the mother.

MissMannah, I actually didn't even mean to pick up the phone when she called. I was on the other line and I have a touch screen and accidentally clicked over. She sorta half giggled and then told me what she did. I just told her that she was going to get fired and then told her that the kids were up so I needed to let her go. I haven't talked to her since.

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

OP: If you spoke to the mother via a cell phone, perhaps you can look up your old cell phone bill online and try to pinpoint the mother's phone number if you have a general idea of the time frame you spoke with her. Do you think Amber has her in her Friend's List on Facebook? A wild shot, but maybe she does. Anyway, I wouldn't want someone knowing that I snitched on them to their boss regardless of whether I suspected they would fly off the handle or not. Since you do not know Amber very well, who knows just what she is capable of? I would tread lightly and first, try to talk to her in a rational manner. Stress to her that Nanny jobs are in high demand now since the economy is so bad and tell her that she needs to be careful of what she does. When if the mother came home early for whatever reason? Also, tell her that ethically what she did was wrong since that is just plain D-I-R-T-Y that she did that in someone else's home w/small children. (The cheating issue is her business, I am only concerned about the children here.) If she laughs it off or makes light of it, I would tell her that in good faith you cannot be a reference for her again.

I would try to find the mother, but it doesn't sound like you have much to work w/here OP. If you can find her, perhaps an anonymous message would work if you seriously do not want Amber to know it was you.

Good Luck. You just may need it. ;)

Whitney said...

OP, you need to find out the mother's information and let her know as soon as possible.

Who knows what else this woman has been doing while the children were sleeping! Put their best interests at heart, because what that lady did is just wrong.

pgh nanny said...

What a crazy situation..just a thought, even if you let the mom know what is going on, Amber would not know it was you..I think she would think it was a nanny cam. I definitely would type up a little note and give it anonymously to try and keep things as drama free as possible. Also, that mom may think that things aren't don't go from having sex on the clock to being the perfect nanny. So even without you saying anything, this nanny may be on her way out.

I wouldn't get into a big confrontation with Amber..if she is trashy, who even knows what drama she could cause.

And absolutely, I would cut all ties with this wacko!

Good luck!

Wow said...

One of my concerns is that she's bringing an ex-con into the boss's house. Now he knows where they live and they have no idea he was even there! I hope they keep their doors locked at all times on GP.

If you do tell MB, you should suggest she install a nanny cam. Otherwise, on what grounds would she tell her she's firing her, since she has no proof of anything?

It's disgusting and shameful that someone would do such a thing!

Just My Two Cents Just Now said...

@Wow: Good point regarding the "ex-con." That one got past me....

I do not think the mother here needs to have any grounds to fire the nanny. Legally, the hoochie nanny in question has no legal leg to stand on since employers can fire anyone they want and do not have to give a reason. They can only get in trouble if there is proof of a motive such as discrimination or an act of revenge.

This nanny makes me sick.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

Call Hoochie Nanny and suggest a playdate at her work house and ask for the address. When the day comes for the playdate, cancel, claiming a charge is sick or that your bosses made last minute plans.

Meanwhile, use a reverse directory to look up the name and number of the other MB and call her orsply drive over one evening and tell her, in confidence, what is going on.

When Amber gets fired and asks you to be a reference again, either say you can't or just avoid her calls.

Mother of Six* said...

As a Mother who has hired nannies in the past, I seldom check references unless I am using an agency. If I am using craigs list to find someone, I never ask for references because 9 times out of 10 how do you know the reference is real or not? Many girls ask relatives/neighbors/friends to pose as references just so they can get a job. There is no way to prove whether a reference you were given is credible or not. The same applies to CPR & First Aid certificates. These certificates are so easy to obtain online it is ridiculous. There is no way to check to see if the potential nanny actually attended a six-hour course to get certified, or if she took an online test and paid sixty dollars for one.

I prefer agencies vs. using the internet to find a nanny. Sure, you do have to pay upfront, but it is money well spent as they can verify references and CPR certification much better than the average Joe.

Phoenix said...

You better mind your own business. That has nothing to do with you at all. I wouldn't even think about contacting anyone. It would never cross my mind. I would just sever ties with this tramp and leave it alone. That is her business. I don't even know why you would asume it was anyway. Keep your mouth shut. If you don't want to get involved don't. Let's say you did tell the mom and got your friend fired. So then she tells her husband that you got her fired. Then you have an angry man at your door step. Not smart.

nannysara said...

Why are people telling her not to be a reference again? That is TERRIBLE advice. If you were an MB looking to hire a person, wouldn't you want to know the ref is telling the truth? If OP is a ref again, she can give HONEST feedback about what a train wreck this girl is. OP, BE A REF and warn MB's! No one said you had to give a glowing recommendation. Also, just to play devil's advocate, could this girl be lying just to get a reaction out of you? But IMO you absolutely must stay on reasonably good terms with this girl so that 1. she doesn't suspect you and 2. She'll use you as a reference again and you can give potential employers a head's up.

Sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nannysara said...

Also to Mother of Six...I just signed up for two different agencies and both checked references, but neither checked my CPR certification.
They asked about it but didn't ask to see the card or anything. Just so you know. Also, I don't know why you think paying hundreds or thousands of dollars for an agency to make the exact same phone call you could make for free would garner different results. If the refs are fake they're fake, if they're real, they're real...won't matter who makes the phone call.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

And as far as agencies go, a parent should NEVER assume that an agency has actually done the due diligence on the candidates they send you.

Many times in my career I have registered with agencies and been scheduled for a family interview, and when I ask current and former employers if they got a call from agency XYZ, they haven't heard from anyone calling to check my references.

I know SOME agencies, generally well established ones who have excellent reputations, do all they can to check references, but good agencies also strongly suggest to parents that they call some of the nanny's references themselves.

I wouldn't hire a nanny without using an agency, and I wouldn't hire a nanny without doing my own reference checking that follows up on the agency's work.

Reese said...

I think that Nanny agencies have better verification techniques than if someone were using CL to find a nanny. I work for agencies (since it waaay more easier to find a job this way vs. online) and I have to have documented proof of my qualifications. For example, I need five years professional experience that I previously worked for certain families. I cannot simply give the agency the phone numbers and say.."Oh yeah, I used to work for Mrs. Jones, just call her and she will verify I did." I need to show employment documentation such as paycheck copies and tax documents. (Thank God I always was on the books.) I also have to show that my CPR and First Aid Certifications are current and they make a copy of my card and keep a record of when it expires. If it expires and I do not re-new it, I am no longer in the agency database. I also have to submit my #SSN to them which they run and give me copy of my background report.

I think people who use CL to find a nanny are just trying to be cheap. Anyone who has access to the internet (which by the way, is ANYONE) can post an ad on CL and fake being a nanny. They can use friends and relatives as references using those pay as you go cell phones or calling cards and they can buy a CPR card online.

Truth Seeker said...

It angers me when people get nanny jobs over me because they lie. I know many girls who buy their CPR cards online and use their relatives or neighbors as references. Sometimes these girls make a ton of money, while I get lost in the shuffle because I am still building up my references.

Doggiedefend said...

@ Nanny hood, truth seeker and reese

great advice, I agree

my fiance just asked me "how can I spoil you?" he just bought me a huge rock (in addition to my engagement ring) ...way off subject but just sayi'n he makes me feel like a princess :) I'm no longer a nanny yaaaaaaay! nannying sucks!