Dealing with Different Parenting Styles

Received Sunday, January 30, 2011
opinion 1 I am a new career nanny and I found a position as a weekend mothers helper. It upsets me to see that the mother works full time and the father is looking for a job. They have a house keeper and they are paying below the going rate. I mentioned to the mother this and she said that after 6 months I will get a raise... Since both parents are home its fine. However it does break my heart that the father is on board with what I say and want to do with the 2 year old boy -lets call him John- and the mother spoils him (with a brand new toy every time I am there) instead of paying attention to him.

During the interview she was impressed with all of my qualifications and my belief system on how I work with/raise children. I live in a vegan house hold and she said she would love to incorporate that type of life style. It felt like the perfect fit! A few days ago was my 2nd day and the household just seemed to be every where and the mother seemed to get jeleous or mad at me whenever I tried to do something my way, ex put him down for a nap, instead of reading a story with the lights dim in his room the mother cuddled with him on a couch. Or for breakfast they gave him cinnibon frosting and wondered why he was jumping everywhere and I tried to get him to eat an apple instead. Has anyone ever dealt with a situation like mine. How did you deal with it?


sharon said...

I would like to thank you for your excellent post - and welcome to the blog! We need interesting posters like you! I was usually in a temp agency so i am not informed about long-term upbringing -
but - you sound incredibly professional - and there are many very experienced nannies who will give you good advice shortly - welcome to the blog !

Nanny Jenn said...

I am a bit confused...I don't really understand your post much. Maybe I need to hit the sack a little earlier tonight...zzzz....

Mandy98824 said...

OP here: Sharon

Bostonnanny said...

Okay I'm trying to understand you, first your upset cuz the mother works full time and the father is looking for a job? And your upset that they are paying you below average rate? your also upset that the mother isn't on board with giving you total control as a mothers helper?

their work situation really shouldn't matter to you.
You accepted the job at that rate and you have no right complaining about it.
Your a mothers helper and this family doesn't know you. You should be trying to figure out their routine and going along with that. You have no right trying to change things without their approval and you haven't gained their trust yet. A mothers helper is just an extra pair of hands, your there to help them with whatever they need from playing with child to loading the dishwasher so the mother could cuddle with her son.

Now I'm confused on how this mother isnt paying attention to him by buying a toy but then she cuddles with him on the sofa?

a mom said...

are you the same person who posted below about the mom boss pulling a 'fast one' on you. This post and that one start out exactly the same and they are both equally confusing and poorly written. I don't think nannying is for you.

LovingNanny said...

Is MPP in so desperate need of postings that she will put up stories like this one? I believe as well that she is the same poster from the other terrible post "Is Clueless MB Pulling a Fast One on this Nanny?"
And what does Sharon mean with :"I would like to thank you for your excellent post..... We need interesting posters like you!"?
Nothing is excellent about this post! It is confusing and doesn't make sense at all!

Bostonnanny said...

Sharon is apparently the new blog welcome committee and cheerleader to any and everyone.

Mandy9884, are you the girl who posted about how their agency promised them a ridiculous amount of money and benefits even though you had no real nanny experience and only an Assoicates degree? You said you were gonna take time off school to nanny and move out of your parents house, if that's you how's it going? Did the nj Agency get you a great paying position?

triple said...

it's really none of your business if the mom works full time and the dad is looking for a job. honestly, i don't really see how this is a problem? are you saying the mother and father's roles should be reversed? i don't get the point.

as for posts, i have emailed MPP with stuff that i have seriously and desperately needed help on and it never gets posted. i don't know. whatever.

bish_please said...

If you are "new" you are NOT a "career nanny". Sorry, babe-you just haven't earned it yet.

good god said...

My opinion is this: you are already way too disdainful towards this woman to ever be an effective mother's helper to her. She is not stupid, and she most likely senses your disdain towards her.

It is her child, and she gets to decide what she does with the child and how she interacts with the child.

Good God: you have already made up your mind that the father is the better parent! You sound like a nanny horror show. And you are not a "career nanny" unless you have made a career of it. A "new" career nanny? Here's news: you're stupid.

Personality conflict is death to a mother/nanny relationship. You have one. If you don't want to get fired, quit.

HungryCollegeStudent said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a mother's helper and a nanny TWO separate things?

nanny2 said...

Since you're new to being a nanny, I will say this: often parents like the idea of something more than the actuality of it. E.g. they like the idea of their children eating healthier, but not the reality of enforcing a healthy diet (whether due to the effort involved, the guilt of saying no, the adjustment to their own lifestyle, or other reasons). And, Supernanny aside, parents do not hire nannies to come and "fix" their families, but rather to blend in to the existing order.

lmurph said...

Does everyone really feel the need to dump rudely all over this post just because they disagree with the poster? I'll admit, I'm new here, but that seems unnecessary and personally, if I were the OP, I'd be tempted to ignore even the valid advice.

That said, OP, I too don't get your issue with with the mother-working, father-looking-for-work thing, so I've got nothing to contribute to that. The pay issue... that's something you should have addressed before taking the job, and if it was a huge deal, you probably should have thought twice about taking it. As for the day-to-day, I do agree with those that have posted that you're just starting out and you haven't earned the parents' trust yet - so if you want to keep your job, don't start trying to impose your way of doing things. Give it some time, get to know the family, and then if you think they'd be open to your opinion, be diplomatic. If you think that you'll never agree and you can't accept that, time to start looking elsewhere.

Marypoppin'pills said...

LovingNanny said...

"Is MPP in so desperate need of postings that she will put up stories like this one?"

No, I'm not desperate. And to Triple, I obviously didn't receive what you sent. I guess if I were desperate I would have posted it.

Maybe that's why I am getting blasted... I Publish just about everything that comes in because I want for everyone to get the advice they need.

The e-mails were different on those two posts that seemed similar so I assumed they were different people.

I guess I will be more selective from now on.

toonces, the cat who would drive a car said...

Dang, what a bunch of assholes on this thread.

Anonymous said...

sharon here -- to : loving nanny and bostonnanny : thank you for your contributions to the blog ! - good work ! ;0)

LovingNanny said...


this is your blog and it is up to you of course what you put up. But wouldn't it be nice, if the stories made sense and would show a little bit of quality?
Otherwise it looks like, you don't get enough user submissions and just publish whatever you receive.

I enjoy this blog and come here daily. But reading posts like this one and "Is Clueless MB Pulling a Fast One on this Nanny?" lowers the standard of this blog.

I would appreciate you being more selective.

Keep up the good work!

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

Loving Nanny, I think it's informative for readers to see exactly what comes in, since that allows us to get a glimpse of who parents are hiring as nannies. we all know intellectually that some parents are less than picky about whether a nanny can write clearly/speak English well/etc., and actually SEEING posts that are not as well written as one might hope reinforces the concept that some parents follow the "warm body" concept of nanny hiring.

It's somewhat like seeing CL-WTF? play out in real life, KWIM?

Jane Doe said...

Loving Nanny,
Are you out of your fucking mind?

wtf???? said...

Loving nanny:

why would you write something like that? There is nothing wrong with this blog and the great thing about it is that we see all different types of posts from all different types of people.

You sound like you have a screw loose.

my two cents said...

Loving nanny,
That was rude as hell telling them how they can run their blog. Their here to help people so if you don't like it don't read it!

let's get real said...

I don't think Loving Nanny was being rude! She just expressed her honest opinion, and she acknowledged that it is up to MPP to put whatever she wants on this blog. She just thinks posts like these are not a good idea. What's the big deal about that? Why are people asking if she's out of her mind? Gosh everyone, stop getting your panties in a twist!

wtf?? said...

Let's get real:

because there was absolutely no use for that comment: it was what we call a "backhanded compliment."

It served absolutely no purpose and it was not constructive criticism at all. She stated that the blog was a low quality blog. That's like a teacher telling you, "This paper sucks. It just does."

Her post was idiotic, not helpful in any way shape or form.

ISYN should be more selective? Don't make me laugh. What are Loving Nanny's standards? She didn't even allude to them.

She's a flake. She deserves to get slammed.

MissMannah said...

I gotta say, I usually agree with what LovingNanny has to say, but she's crossed the line here. Girlfriend, we don't care about what YOU think is a quality post. You're not a mod. Go make your own blog if you want it to be more selective.

Getting back on track...OP, you sound very immature. I'll ask you the same question I ask a lot of people: If you don't agree with the salary and the parents' philosophies, why the hell are you working for them? In your case, you are working closely with them, so they are going to drive you nuts even moreso.

Jacqui said...

Crossed the line? Crazy? I think you're all overreacting to lovingnanny's post offering nothing more than a suggestion. I didn't see it as a backhanded compliment or some sort of passive-aggressive personal attack on MPP. Let's not bring the drama, ladies.

I don't agree with lovingnanny, but I also don't think she's crazy or out of her mind for expressing her opinion.

I don't think MPP should censor any submissions unless they're distasteful and/or rude. It's unfortunate that this particular post is incoherent and headache-inducing, but that comes with running a blog and following one. You take the good with the bad, the smart with the stupid. :-)

Anonymous said...

The 'helper' is right in many ways. If you hire a caregiver you expect them to have common knowledge of the job. It is no fun to be micromanaged by a parent. You get to say how you would like things to go down, but in the end we all do things differently to get to the same end~ happy healthy children and good pay for good work. If you want a clone of yourself mom, well then you are not facing the reality that we are all different. Nanny, you do need to get a feel for the family vibe and where you fit in. When you have a icky parent, have fun with the children.

ALWAYS get a contract written out including days off, will those days be paid, your hourly rate, if there will be a raise, etc.