17 November, 2010

A Nanny's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Received Wednesday, November 17, 2010
A day in the life 10 Conventional wisdom says that a person who is prepared for a sudden infestation of flesh-eating zombies is ready for anything. Therefore, it only makes sense that a nanny should know what to do if and when there is an outbreak of the undead. I hope you find this guide helpful and not at all terrifying.

* When caring for small children during a zombie outbreak, it is preferable to barricade oneself and one's charges inside the house you're working in and await rescue rather than try to travel to a stronghold. First, set the child/children down at the highest and most secure part of the dwelling, along with food, nappies, bedding and medical supplies. Fill up as many water vessels as you can before the water supply is compromised. After you've done this, destroy the staircase and use any and all furniture to build a barrier. However, make sure there is an emergency exit in case your walls are breached.

* If you are outdoors when the outbreak occurs, abandon your charge's stroller immediately. Trying to wheel it home will only slow you down and draw attention. If you have a baby sling or papoose, use that instead. If you don't, improvise using your clothes. You may need your hands free to carry weapons and fight off any attackers. If possible, secure the baby to the front rather than the back. (If you have to run, be mindful of the baby's head. It'll be easier to cushion from the front.)

* If you have a walking child under the age of seven, hold them tightly by the hand and be prepared to carry them under your arm as soon as you need to bolt. A child under the age of ten may need to cling to your back. An older child will have to keep up with you.

* Once you're sure you are safe, try to contact your employers to assure them that their children are safe. Their biggest fear is that survival instinct has prompted you to abandon them. If you are a good nanny, this will not be an issue and they will be relieved that their children are with you.

* Keep the children as quiet as possible. This will be difficult with a baby, but essential as crying will draw zombies to your stronghold and if they think there's someone in there, they will keep trying to break in until they succeed. Using a child's cot/playpen and multiple sheets and blankets, it is possible to create an almost-soundproof chamber to put the baby in whenever it gets upset. If you're on the run, this isn't possible and you'll simply have to keep as far away from the red zones as possible, and be ready to pack up and run at a moment's notice.

* NEVER leave yourself without food, rest or medicine so that the child/children can have more. They can live without that little bit extra. They can't live without you.

* Use everything you have sparingly. Recycle where possible.

* If you have to leave the stronghold at any point for food/water/help, don't bring the children. Don't stay out longer than two hours, and secure the blockades before you leave.

* If you have to go on the run, go on foot. Cars may run out of gas and leave you and the children stranded in a red zone and it's easier to navigate high ground on food. Stick to high ground if you can, as zombies can't climb.

* You can get older children to keep lookout for you while you rest. Don't do it for more than an hour out in the open.

* If you fall in with other survivors, they may see the children as a liability and suggest that you leave them, or euthanize them as they won't survive anyway. If a person does suggest this, they are not to be trusted and you must leave their company with haste.

* If you join with another group, don't leave your charge/charges alone with them. During an attack, if you're not there they may abandon your charges for the sake of their own lives.

* If it seems like there is nowhere left to go that's safe, make for the highest ground you possibly can. Plan to survive there for the long term with the children until society has righted itself.

And if you have anything to add to this, please go ahead and do so. This is the kind of stuff I plan when the twins are asleep and I'm bored at the bus stop.

18 comments:

baby dalailama said...

Weird...

JacksMom said...

Nah, it's amusing. My 16 year-old son also thinks through zombie scenarios during his moments of boredom. The whole zombie thing is kind of a cult cultural phenomenon. He used to advise that we all head to Costco, in the event of a zombie apocalypse - lots of supplies and relatively easy to secure. But, so many other people have caught onto that idea, that he's now not advocating that idea.

In all seriousness, a lot of the points the OP makes could be useful in the event of some other sort of natural (or other) disaster. Your job, as nannies, is to look after the welfare of children. Why NOT think through the worst case scenarios? God forbid they should ever come to pass. But,if they do, you'll be ahead of the game.

imo said...

LOL. I found this hilarious... and some of these scenarios should be used in everyday life such as #s: 4, 11, & 12. :)

Stay safe nannies, stay safe.

bostonnanny said...

Damn I hope the families pay you extra when you foresake your own family to save the children from zombies.

NannyM said...

Wow, this was unfathomably weird and unnecessary.

TheOriginalDenverNanny said...

Love it! It's great to have a humorous post :)

Anonymous said...

OP here!

baby dalailama + Nanny M:

I know it's weird. I blame the sheer amount of zombie films I've seen and the copy of World War Z I got for free and was stupid enough to read at work. Sorry if it was a bit too much for you to take!

bostonnanny:

My family are all adults, my brother already has a plan, and my parents live in a rural area in a house that can be locked down in minutes. They don't need me. Also, I think we'll be beyond monetary compensation.

JacksMom, imo and TheOriginalDenverNanny:

Thanks for the feedback, and I hope ye have a plan ready for your charges! If you have an escape route for when you're at a Mommy+Me group with thirty plus mothers and babies and the noise attracts every zombie in a five-mile radius, please tell me what it is. That's the only area I'm stuck in.

Nanny Elizabeth said...

And if you are trapped and need an out... throw the baby at the zombies and run! jk

sorry, couldn't resist that one! ;)

MONKEYSHINES said...

I am just saving my ass, I don't get paid enough to save anyone else,sorry so the little ones will make a nice apettizer for some lucky zombie

MissMannah said...

I'm sorry, I think the first thing I'd do in the event of a zombie apocalypse is call the parents and tell them to get their asses home ASAP! Makes me think I should add some sort of "zombie or other emergency" clause to my next contract.

For those who thought this post was too weird...lighten up!

PregnantNanny said...

Nanny Elizabeth - I was thinking the same thing. I have a bib for my baby that says Zombie snack.

Loved the post.

Texas Nanny said...

The family I work for is nerdy enough to be fine, but I think the average nanny family would be zombie chow in minutes. Sure, I'd try to get my charges back to their living parents, but if the parents are eaten? Sayonara, suckers.

nanny2 said...

Ah...I've run through this one when staying overnight with my charges: So, if the building catches on fire, and we can't use the elevator, how am I going to single-handedly get 4 kids under age 6 down 17 flights of stairs before we all die of smoke inhalation...needless to say I don't sleep well.

Rocket Scientist said...

My employers have a VERY large house. When I do overnights, it gets a little creepy and turns my mind to the "what ifs". I would have to go upstairs to get the kids, then back down the same stairs to get out of the house. I really don't think there would be time to get them and get out if there were an intruder. I'm really glad there's an alarm system, at least.

Student Nanny said...

LOL, love it! My roommates and I have our zombie apocalypse plan posted on our door. Always gotta be prepared for those zombies.

TC said...

I live along the Gulf Coast I'm used to worrying about disasters so I know what to do when zombies attack...not much more than what I did when Ike hit, except I didn't have my charges with me

CuriousDad said...

Just an FYI think about what those employers you work for do and how influential they may be in society. Protecting their kids might be a help for you in any apocalypse that happens.

Even if they are not influential, if they happen to survive and you happen to survive, your gonna have more then Zombies to worry about becuase you ditched their kids.

I know I would be gunning for you and I know how to survive in an Zombie apocalypse. ;)

BROOKLYN NANNY. said...

Funny thing about this is my boss is cool enough that we hatched a plan together that in case of the zombie apocalypse (which IS coming) we have a meeting place where I'll hand off the kids to her or her husband.