I have a question. I've been nannying a sweet four and a half year old girl for almost a year now. She's an angel, very imaginative and affectionate. Her parents, however, are severely anxious about everything (I think the kiddo was a preemie, and she's an only child to late-in-life parents) and freak out completely if the little girl is ever alone. Let me be clear, when I say "alone" I mean "in the living room, in clear sight, ten feet from where I'm doing the dishes or setting the table." The child can't look at books by herself, play with her toys by herself, fall asleep by herself...as her nanny I'm expected to interact with her completely every single minute we're together.I love her and I love being with her, but I feel like she NEEDS some time relying on her own resources. When I was four I had a baby brother and was regularly absent from my parents, by myself in my room, for two or three hours at a time. It made me creative, imaginative and a great storyteller. Am I totally off here, or do kids need some time to themselves? Wouldn't it be good for her to be her own stimulus for fifteen or twenty minutes? And as a nanny, how can I foster that without looking like I'm just trying to slack off?
21 comments:
Some parents are like that. My brother and his wife do let their daughter play alone...but they're definitely helicopter parents. It's just a style.
I nanny a 11 month old in a huge open concept apt. Since I started my goal was to help raise a active, playful, social and independant child. Everyday we go to activities a spend as much time with other children. When we are home I let him play alone in his play area. I watch and talk to him about what he's doing but I normally don't interrupt him. This isn't all day only for 30mins then we have story time together and run around. This has made him less clingy and less upset when I walk away to make his bottles. I'm lucky because his parents do the same, we understand that allowing a child to explore and play alone is good for their development because one day they will have to be independent. You can try explaining it to her parents but be prepared for them not to accept it. If she is their only child then they have a special attachment and want to enjoy every second of her childhood since they mostly likely will never experience it again. If it doesn't work out don't stress over it, continue doing what they want or find a different job.
I agree that it is important to give a child a certain set amount of time each day to play alone. I am a nanny and have had parents who have told me that they do not expect me to play with the child all during my shift. Some even discourage playing with them the whole time. Truthfully, I am glad. I am a very interactive nanny. I enjoy stroller walks, sliding down slides, getting down on the floor to play, etc. But it is very tiring for me to constantly play, play play without a breather and it does not benefit the child. Sooner of later they will have to learn to entertain themselves well into adulthood. I have had parents even tell me that they do not constantly play with their child. If I ever heard a parent that told me they did, truthfully I don't know if I would believe them.
Anyways, since the parents expect this of you, then if you want to keep the job, I guess you must comply. Because when if they walk in someday earlier than expected and see you on the couch (even if you had just spent the whole day playing with him), they may complain about it. You can approach the subject tactfully and address what I have here, but do not expect the parents to agree. Seems they are set in their ways and will not budge on their parenting styles. I just hope you are making a decent salary because what you are doing daily is WORK.
Hope this helps.
You sound like a slacker to me. Sorry.
OP here...
Thanks for the feedback.
I probably should have mentioned that both parents often work from home, and while they're really wonderful about backing me up on discipline issues (this is not one of those "Oh, the mean nanny won't let you eat a cookie for lunch? Here, sweetie!" nightmares), it does limit my ability to say "Okay, friend, why don't you play with those and I'll watch?"
I also am not looking for a chance to sit on the couch, read a book, anything like that. I don't even take my own stuff with me to work -- if the kiddo naps or I'm with her after bedtime, I spend that time cleaning the house or doing her laundry (not part of my job), or prepping a craft for the next day. But this girl is so dependent on another person present that she won't draw or paint -- she wants you to do it -- won't go down the slide unless she's in my lap, won't choose her own books at the library or which animal we should visit next at the zoo. If I suggest any fun new thing to do or make reference to the future when she'll be able to read, ride a bike, etc, her response is always "No, I won't be able to, I can't." I feel like, with the absolute best of intentions, her parents are damaging her potential to grow into a self-reliant, independent child, and giving her the sense that anything she tries to do for herself won't be as good as what a grownup could do for her. And that's really heartbreaking and worrisome to me.
I may try to bring up some of this, very gently, with the parents. I'm not pushing for "free-range parenting," here, though it worked for me, but I feel like things may not be the best for the kiddo as they are.
Hey there,
What do they do when you're not hovering over the child? Do they say, Hey get back over there and play with little Samanatha? I'm wondering if you're reading too much into what you think the parents are thinking. Do what you think is appropriate...and see what the parents say. Probably they won't say anything.
I think at four she can be left alone. My aunt is like this, I will tell you my cousin is severly f'ed up because of this style of parenting
They're in for some major problems when the poor child starts kindergarten. A 4 1/2 year old NEEDS to learn how to play by themselves sometimes.
Monica,I hope you don't have any children because you sound as though you've never actually met one.
Do you get to see the kid's pediatrician? It sounds like what you describe could be mentioned to him.
Also it seems to me that you could be
sitting next to her, and yet not engage her in play or conversation. Do
you think the parents would disagree with that?
I agree-this is helecopter parenting to the extreme. I would make her do stuff by herself (because at that age it's really not healthy to be 100% dependent on someone else). So if you are drawing and she wants you to do it for her-tell her she can draw her picture and you will draw yours and then you can tell each other a story about them. If you are at the park tell her she can go down the slide first and you will go down second etc. THat will ease her into doing things for/by herself and no way could a parent object to you sitting down and coloring WITH a child as opposed to FOR a child
It sounds to me like the parents are having a bit of trouble "letting go", and allowing their daughter to transition out of the toddler years. With that being said, unfortunately, by "babying" their daughter they are in fact holding her back, and in turn, doing a lot more harm than good. This little girl, is at a very important stage in early childhood, the transition from Preschool years and into Kindergarden and elementary school. This is a time where she should be learning independence, basic problem solving skills, confidence and social skills. A time when parents need to start letting go ever so slightly, and watch their child grow. Unless a few things change (and they can be small, take baby steps: such as one half hour of "independent play" or 15 minutes of attempting to do a puzzle or learning activity by herself) I don't honestly believe this little girl will be ready to begin school on time. How close are you to her parents? Is there any way you could very cautiously and politely bring up a few of your ideas to help better "prepare" child for school? If you choose your words wisely without pointing blame, and start very small (as preparation for Kindergarden or something similar) it might be easier to get her parents on board! I wouldn't make any mention of anything negative, just keep it positive and upbeat (with the air of excitement that you simply can't wait to start preparing her for how much fun school will be etc) Let us know how it goes, and if you do bring the matter up with her parents! Good luck. (:
Anonymous said...
My charges are 3 & 5 and their parents were like that to a lesser degree when I started. They preferred me to be within 5 feet of BOTH kids at all times. And the kids wanted me to play with both of them at all times. Gradually I've told them they're having independent play, mostly when i'm making breakfast or lunch. I usually drag it out. They also have nap time at school so the days that they're with me all day we have rest time which is quiet play time in their rooms for an hour. Gradually they've started going off and playing by themselves or together without my prompting and its awesome.
I do love my charges, but 10 hour days with no breaks is a long day. Its awesome when they play without me and I can just sit or read nearby.
Apr 12, 2010 10:30:00 AM
I fully agree that kids that age need independent play. Not to mention, it is unreasonable to expect someone to work a 10-hour day, with no one else to share the responsibilities, and constantly be available to entertain a child. That's extremely exhausting.
I watch three kids currently, and the middle child was coddled to the extreme. She's still spoon-fed at times, wears a pull-up to bed, and refuses to wipe her own bottom after using the bathroom. Oh....did I mention she's 6-year's-old? Since she wasn't given a decent amount of independent play, and mommy basically complies with her every wish, this has made her a very clingy, introverted child who could definitely use more confidence and boundaries. I've been doing my best to instill some self-sufficiency in her, but when I'm off-duty most of that work gets undone. Very frustrating!
Anyway, I hope my personal experience you can see what that sort of hoovering parenting can lead to. Perhaps just mention the benefits of independent play in childhood development to the parents? I also think what "oh well" recommended is a good idea: mention something to the pediatrician. He or she will more than likely back you up on the matter.
I am a nanny for two 10 month olds and I leave them alone to play all the time! I have an interest in child psychology and development, and I find that if I sit back and observe them playing together, I can learn a lot more than if I have them near me, because I am often a big distraction. I know that learning to interact with people is really important to young children, but so is learning to be self-reliant and learning to develop motor skills and imagination and creativity.
I second the recommendation that you approach the parents about school preparedness and try to take that tack rather than addressing the issue forthright or just complying with the parents' request. This child is going to be pretty severely hindered if the parents continue to be this hands-on with their child, and I am sure they believe they are doing the right thing but with a little encouragement they might come around.
Oh my goodness Monica I really hope that you are joking! I almost want to laugh but I am afraid you were serious.
I am sorry but this little girl is going to have issues.
The boy I currently watch used to be very clingy and needy when he was a baby. I gave him more and more independence and lots of love.
He is now a very outgoing, friendly and confident boy who is almost four. I am so glad I encouraged his independence.
Plus, let's me honest, I think we all need our down time during the day!
I experienced this with all three of the children I nannied for. When I began nannying for them (I'd been sitting for them for years before this) they were 8, 5 and 3 months. And it was the first time ever that the 8 and 5 year old didn't have mommy home with them every day, all day.
The children expected me to play with them all.the.time. Barbies, computer games, legos, GI Joe, etc... all day, and it didn't matter if the baby needed a bottle or a nap or not. If I wasn't sitting beside one or the other or both of them they would be throwing tantrums. And if I didn't, they would tell mommy I wouldn't play with them when she got home. Of course, I think mommy knew better, but she felt bad being gone, so it just made things worse.
And the baby... oh the baby. He was coddled when mommy was home (all 2 hours in the evenings) and she slept with him. As he got older he went through the stage of me not being able to be out of his sight until finally I really just got sick of all the fighting over who I would play with and how the baby couldn't come in his room or her room and yada yada.
Finally I laid down the law. We all played together for a few hours in the mornings, went to the park and played outside. When E took his morning nap, I played for 30 minutes with each of the older children and then we all had lunch, more outside time, etc. After that, it was quiet/nap time for everyone. Period, and no questions asked.
It was a tough process, but eventually and thankfully they all, including the baby as he got older, learned to play and spend time on their own so I could do the dishes and just have some moments of peace.
I do think these parents are doing more harm to this little girl than they realize. I wonder, OP - do you have your degree in Child Education or Development? This may be a good chance for you to sit down with the parents and let them know how important it is at this child's age and impending school I'm sure, for her to start developing more independent play. And by that, yes, I mean COMPLETELY independent. Without you sitting beside her. It really is detrimental!
In a way to introduce this to the parents you could print off some really helpful articles on the pros and cons of each parenting style and propose a trial period of something in the middle. Explain your concerns about her independence and gently suggest you'd like to try some new techniques. You'd love their help implementing them, etc. Let them observe a couple of times... Maybe if they saw their child being more independent and you not using it as an excuse to "slack off" they'd understand.
Can you start gradually? Encourage her to choose one book at the library? Or get her to read out a few words from a book - so she's doing something herself? Maybe going down the swing alone is too intimidating, but if she discovers the joy of doing a few simple things alone, she'll gradually want to do more?
It's hard to find the line between fostering some independance and not completely defying the parent's wishes, but as long as you're there watcing her and keeping her safe, I think it's worth trying.
The parent's concerns are the most important thing, but hopefully as she grows up they'll realise that she isn't made of glass.
from anonymous:
Okay, first I understand your frustration. If you are to read in "What To Expect In The First Year" they even suggest having playpin time (for babies) and encourage alone play time (for toddlers and older) properly supervise of course, to help build problem solving and space growth not to mention a good sense of balance and independence. Second, you should try to diplomatically approach the topic with them and tell them it's helpful for your child to learn how to play alone from time to time, and maybe suggest giving the child an activity (i.e. play doh, painting, playing with a doll house,) to work on solo then build from there. Last, this comment is for MONICA...your wrong and very rude! Judging from your comment you are probably a parent that hires in home help (i.e. cleaning ladies, nannies, landscapers, interior decorators, and so on,) to do all your leg work you are either too lazy or a coward to do so how could you possibly understand the situtation?!!
Oh my goodness you are right. I am 21, and grew up in a small town, where we played by ourselves outdoors for heavens sake! I get that in this day and age, it is dangerous, but kids need freedom. I suggest if you are not on nannycam, or when the parents aren't home, simply say, why don't you play in your room for a little bit? See if she reacts positively. When it comes to responsibility, school work, and bed time, we dictate everything, when it comes to playtime, THEY dictate. Otherwise it isn't play time.
Oh by the way, the little girl I used to nanny, would cry and scream all the time when she wasn't playing with me or when her parents left. She said my first year, she needed my to wipe her bottom after #2, or brush her teeth FOR her, she was three years old! I not once agreed to do so and she learned to do it for herself, later on her parents told be that since I started, she has begun doing things for herself and it makes life for the parents easier when they're with her alone.
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