My day begins at 8am. Baby wakes usually around 8am. If he is already up- he has a wet diaper as I arrive. Please change him. It only takes a few. When your child wakes in the early morning, you want to sleep a little more- so you give your child a bottle of milk. Guess what- toddlers wake early. You need an earlier bedtime for you all. He is almost 2 years old- and you wonder why he doesn't eat a good breakfast. You want the "baby" off the bottle- I've told you how- water in a cup/ bottle- thats all he needs. Toddlers can go a full night without a milk bottle or any food fro that matter. He cries and you give in- give him what he wants. You can't deal with the crying- you don't want his feelings hurt. Understandable- but how can he learn? He needs to eat "real meals" to grow and development. You want him off the bottle- you need to not give in and help him though the wants of the bottle. But don't give it to him. Thats not teaching him.You wonder why- your child doesn't eat proper at meal times. You don't have scheduled meal times and you let him eat whatever he wants- when he wants.
When I come in the morning- he doesn't want to "seprate" from you- you come to aid- when he cries. You work all hours and come home late- only giving him little time with you. He needs his parents. I know that working late is sometimes needed- but you are allowed to say- I have a son that I need more time with.
You let your child sleep in your bed and go to bed when he wants. When he sleeps in your bed- with you- nobody gets the sleep that is needed. Children need their own space to sleep. He doesn't like the crib- normal for 2 year old- so get the bed- like you have been talking about for weeks. You want him off the paci/ bottle and his own bed- stop putting it off and just do it.
He cries when he wants something- you go running- yes- its normal. Parents want to protect. But this is not teaching him. When you give in and give what he wants- this is not teaching him boundaries. This is not teaching him to share, take turns and learning the word "no". You can't always get what you want in life. Even at a young age. This is what will happen: Your child is 5 years old- and in school. A toy is taken away from him, by another child- he doesn't know what to do- expect to scream, fight and do whatever it takes to get the toy back- same with the paci, bottle and whatever he wants.
I am wondering what happened to the potty- training. I tried to put him on the other morning- he cries- you take him off with no encouagement or praise. How is going to learn- without letting him try. Mom- you told me that you and dad don't communate- how can he learn- when you don't know what to do. How can you have affected childcare- if parents are not on the same page- how can he learn and be a growing child. To have a thrieving child- he needs to be on a set schedule and have boundaries. Oh, and another thing- I put him in a time-out and you pulled him out. Saying sorry- whats he going to learn- does he understand what he did wrong? How is suppose to learn.
Dad- I was hurt the other day- when you said something about- putting the safety locks up- I ask you, to get out the equipment needed- I don't where you keep everything. I am not going to search through your mess of a house and look for it. You need to be responsible parent. I can't do everything myself.
If we are going to be a successful team and if you want him to grow up healthy- we all need to be on the same page. You need a set schedule for the child and agree together- how to handle any situations that come about.
So what can we do to make this a successful team? Remember the child comes first.
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26 comments:
It's not your business or your place to say where the baby sleeps. Many families co-sleep successfully. Who made you the expert on what babies need to sleep?
I couldn't even get through reading this post with all of the spelling mistakes/typos/incorrect word usage.
A few of your points seem valid, OP, but most seem just like objections to valid parenting choices.
I am afraid that if you want a team, then you need to bend to the parents wishes, not them to yours.
You have different ideas on how to raise a child, which is fine, I agree with some of your points, but he is theirs.
Keep in mind when he is 5, 6 7, or 8, you'll be gone and they will have to deal with the type of child they raised.
You should use spell check before you post. You don't want to be written off as an idiot.
OP says:
Sorry I wrote this at 1230 in the morning- tired. I had a lot to say and this was the only place I could spill my guts.
OP, I see this a lot in my work as a nanny. I am not an expert on the subject, but I am wondering if this type of parenting is due to parental guilt over not being able to physically be there w/the child due to work conflicts, then by the time they get home from work, they are so tired and stressed from working that they just don't have the energy to parent effectively. It's like going from one full time job to the next...BOOM! Add to that, the guilt of not being there all day, and what you have is a disaster! Not to say that all parents are like this, but it may be more common than some want to admit!!
I think the OP needs to give the parents a break. Other than taking the child out of time out when the OP puts him in everything she is talking about is subjective. When you (OP) have a child-or if you have one then you have already had your chance-you can parent however you want. You can get your child off the bottle when you want to, potty train him when you want to and never co-sleep. I empathize with the parents in this scenerio. Losing your baby and realizing he is turing into a big boy is HARD. It's hard to hear your baby cry for the bottle, to hear him cry for milk when you give him water. It's heart breaking and takes some time on the parents part to make that transition. Give them a break-this is not your child and he is too young to be worried about him turning into a selfish little brat. They aren't ruining him for life, they are just trying to hang onto their "baby" for a bit longer.
I don't understand why everyone is saying the OP is criticizing the parents' parenting choices and that she has no right to do that because this child is not hers- I didn't get that attitude from the OP at all. To me it seems like the parents are telling OP they want all these things (for the child to be potty trained, eat at regular meal times, etc.) and expecting the OP to help out, but then they are undermining everything the OP is doing to try and help them. That would be incredibly frustrating!
Op says thank you- "lets get real". This is exactly what I was thinking.
I do feel for OP. I am also a childcare provider and it can be a thankless job. However, and this is a BIG however, I always get a bit miffed when the nanny or childcare provider shows such obvious disdain for working parents who "work all hours" and don't get to spend much time with their child. Bottom line: if they did not work, you would not have a job. If you cannot be an advocate for quality childcare, I do not think you belong in the childcare profession. Many caregivers and nannies do not understand that feelings of disdain for the families you provide care to not only come across to them loud and clear, but they also have no place in the childcare profession. It would be like a social worker thinking that orphans and single moms are losers. It is contradictory to your profession, and extremely problematic if you ask me.
Just my two cents.
I think everyone needs to quit saying that OP needs to stop whining and to stop saying that Op has valid objections to parenting. WBN said it best about in a few years when OP is gone, the parents will have to deal with the child that they raised.
Did anyone stop and think that maybe, just maybe, the parents need parenting classes and to bite the bullet? Have any of you who say the OP needs to do what the parents would do when OP is off the clock considered what will happen to this child if he:
-is given what he wants when he wants it? He will expect everyone to do it the minute he wants it done.
-is not given the chance to sleep in his own bed? He will not learn to be comfortable and secure. Should he sleep somewhere else but at home, he will not be able to be happy. Co-sleeping, fine. Yet not have your child sleep in his or her own bed can cause emotional issues down the road.
-is allowed to eat when he wants to eat, as opposed to eating on a schedule. Hello, childhood obesity!
-is taken out of time-out? He will think that he can do whatever he wants to anyone else without consequences.
-is still drinking from the bottle and using a nuk. The later separation will be harder, and may lower his self esteem.
If the parents continue raising him this way, he will be an underconfident, overdependent child with emotional issues. This is turn could affect his ability to make and keep friends.
Stop Whining: I know how the OP feels, because I was a nanny for a SAHM/WAHM mom who underminded my authority with issues such as a schedule, naps and nursing a child who clearly wasn't interested in nursing anymore. Tell me how the parents are making "valid parenting choices" when they are treating their child like this? Do you know anything about child development?
I'm really sorry to hear that some of you are lacking in thought process and critical thinking where you find it difficult to read something with some spelling and grammatical errors. That must be really frustrating for you. It certainly sounds like it's a big deal for you. It does pose the question as to what other 'obstacles' you face in life.
;)
People who think the nanny doesn't have a say in the way the parents choose to parent their child, think about this:
If parents want to have a nanny, she needs to be part of the team. Everyone needs to agree on the same rules and enforce them. The nanny also needs the support of the parents that when she is there, she is in charge. If they don't have a united front, this child is going to have discipline problems.
Nannies come into the home with an interest and knowledge of childcare. Most of the time they have objective, educated advice. If the parents don't like that they can always use a daycare.
I'm not clear on why, if the child is waking up too early, it means the child needs to go to bed earlier?
Miss Dee, sorry, but being required to sit down and clean a plate of food according to a strict schedule whether you are hungry or not is what leads to childhood obesity. Being taught that you eat when you are HUNGRY, and don't if you are not, is what leads to a healthy awareness of actual food needs.
Cali Mom:
I was having a mental visual of "Supernanny" in my head where the children were allowed to snack whenever they wanted....
I feel for OP in that it sounds like she is expected to work on the parents' stated goals while getting no support from them.
However, this is what nannying is, sometimes, especially since by the time the parents have worked all day, they don't have the energy to enforce those rules. I think, in offering "professional advice", we also have to be aware of what the parents are actually able to do. For instance, maybe they need to start gradually diluting his milk bottle before switching him entirely to water. Maybe they need to continue to let him eat when he wants, but offer him healthy alternatives. And just one other thing- I would not force a child to use the potty if he's crying.
I'm also "siding" with the nanny here. My reason being, she IS following the parents guidelines, wants and rules. Unfortunately, they (the parents), aren't taking part in their own plan.
It can be a very tough situation to be put into, when you are expected to be the only adult responsible for following all of the rules, enforcing them, and ensuring all disciplinary action - especially, when you are not even one of the parents, let alone a family member. This turns the nanny into "bad cop" and the parents into "good cop".
Often times, in situations like these, if the nanny becomes a bit more lax and backs off on their imposed rules (ie: meal time, potty training etc) she will receive a bad report. It's frustrating, exhausting and emotionally draining to be the only disciplinary in a child's life, especially when it's mommy and daddy who undermine you (their rules) in front of the child. Remember, these aren't nannies rules, they are mommy and daddies. It's hard enough to "raise" (or help raise) someone else's child via philosophies/styes of parenting that oppose your own, but that hardship quadruples when you add in parents who undermine you and won't follow their own parenting approach and wishes.
Someone mentioned the concept of guilt probably being involved with how these parents are parenting, and I'd say, that's probably the most likely reason they are behaving this way and can't say "no". There lack of involvement most likely has a lot to do with why they don't want to let their child grow up as well.
Parents who do work, and do not allow themselves to appropriately adjust to being both parent and professional miss out, and never find a happy appropriate balance between the two. If a person feels like they weren't present for many milestones in their child's life they'll want to stretch them (and all stages of "youth" out) for as long as possible. After all, it's hard enough "letting go" even when you are completely tuned in.
OP, my advice to you would be to schedule a nice non confrontational chat about future goals. You can mention how fast their little boy is growing, and the fact you think he's ready to start working on some of their previous goals! I would discuss the idea of being a team (and implementing a plan together) in a very positive light. Perhaps, if you can all come up with a STRUCTURED "game plan", you can get them to be a part of his growth and not a hindrance to it. Consider making charts and schedules and hanging them up in the kitchen to follow - this can help ease transition periods (and ensure everyone has a constant reminder!) Be prepared to take baby steps (as someone else mentioned, water down the milk etc) this will cause less tantrums which will make following the plan easier for mom and dad (taking away some of the guilt they feel at saying "no" etc.) I honestly believe if you want to make this "partnership" work, it's imperative that you have this talk with his parents. Take things slow, stay positive, and try to come up with a definite plan (with reminders - such as charts, schedules, and a positive update board!)
Best of luck!
Former Nanny New Mommy: I say to you- thank you very much. I will follow your advice and hope for the best.
Thank you,
OP
If this child were 4 or even 3 I would agree with almost everything the OP is saying. But he is NOT EVEN TWO YEARS OLD!!! Breaking a baby of the bottle is HARD. It's hard to take something away from your child that he loves and it's all he's known.
He is too young to be potty training if he is not showing an interest. And who knows what the parents work situation is. Maybe they don't have a boss that is understanding enough to say "I have a child at home". A lot of bosses won't care. I agree-parents should spend as much time with their children, but this is a hard economy and maybe they aren't in a position to rock that boat right now.
LOTS of people co-sleep (I am not one of them) with their children and they grow up to be happy healthy well adjusted children. He isn't 12 sleeping in his parents bed, he's not even two!
I agree, you need to set boundries with children, but at less than 2 years old there is only so much they understand and their vocabulary is usually still limited. He may not have the vocabulary to ask for what he wants so he gets frustrated and cries. I don't think the parents should cater to a childs every need, but I think it's a HUGE stretch to say what you are doing with a child not even two is going to result in a horribly maladjusted kindergartener. It sounds like this is the parents only child. Let them learn what works best-they still have time before they "ruin" their child.
To me the OP sounds exactly like I did BEFORE I had kids. I had all kinds of opinions on what other people were doing wrong with their children. But once you have children you realize not all children follow all your rules exactly when you want them to. I knew I should take my child off the bottle at 12 mo, but it was HARD. I tried at 16 mo and then again at 19 mo. I finally just did it because I thought it would much harder on HIM when he got old to realize what was happening. A child not even two is still more baby than toddler. Give them time-all of them!
I sympathize with the OP here. It's difficult to be the nanny and make progress with the child during the day or week and then in the evening or after the weekend, you have to start all over again.
Where the child sleeps can be a problem chunkydunk. It can effect the way the baby naps during the day. If the child cannot fall asleep without an adult lying beside him, that takes a great deal of time for the nanny during the day. I have had to do this for parents who co-sleep. The baby can't sleep on his own. It's an issue.
I have had the same problems with potty training, right when we make strides, the mother does nothing for the entire weekend, setting us back.
Anyways, I think the OP is justified in her annoyances here. It's tough to have no one to talk to about this stuff too. I don't mind people venting on here. Vent away.
he will be an underconfident, overdependent child with emotional issues. This is turn could affect his ability to make and keep friends
this just about sums up about 90%
of american children, I sm telling you these kids are better of being raised by wild animals they will learn more values
NervousNanny, the co-sleeping is only an issue if the nanny isn't firm. I've watched plenty of kids who sleep with their parents but they learned very quickly that when I'm there, they are sleeping in their own bed. It takes awhile at first, but with consistency during the day, it will work.
OP, seems to me, you and the parents (BOTH of them!) need to have a sit-down chat. Make two lists: one featuring parts about your job you love and mention stuff the parents do right. The second list can feature aspects of your job you and they need to re-assess. Such things as health issues, like staying on the bottle too long, you can bring in articles that talk about how to wean him. You know all of you need to get on the same page and the only way you can do it is if you bring it all to their attention. Make some concrete decisions about things that need to change, but DO NOT expect them to change overnight. Parenting is a continual process, with steps forward and setbacks. Just keep pushing on and the parents will follow through eventually. I once had a boy I thought would NEVER get potty-trained because his parents took forever with it, but I just kept reminding myself "Nobody goes to college in diapers." Some things happen later rather than sooner, and that's ok too.
I know this was only one part of your post--but just under 2 years old is very young to potty train a boy. The average age for potty training a boy is 3.4 months. I would give that one some time =)
One thing about the bottle issue. Bottle rot, which is when a toddlers teeth will literally rot from sucking on a bottle. When they hit a year I took my kids off the bottle. They didn't like it, and they pitched a holy fit. But I threw all the bottles out so they couldn't have one even if they wanted one. It might sound cruel, but it was better then spending thousands of dollars on dentists.
Sippy cups are made for a reason.
As for everything else:
Like a lot of people have said, you need to sit down with BOTH parents and explain that you are trying to do the very best you can, but when they constantly undermine you it makes your job and theirs, harder then it has to be. I'm a mom, not a nanny, and I don't employ a nanny because I can't afford one. However, I have over twelve years of child raising under my belt.
anonymous said:
Mommy of 2 u really piss me off. I care for 15month old boy/girl twins who were off the bottle at 12months, brush their teeth with baby tooth brushes after every meal and say night night then walk to their rooms when they are sleepy. They have a eating schedule and eat at the table for every meal/snack.
I know that every child is different and do things in their own time but don't assume because your child couldn't do some of those thing that op is trying to do with her charge that it's wrong. Parents aren't helping their children by giving in. Not allowing or helping your child grow because you feel guilty for not being there is selfish.
Co sleeping is a horrid idea once the child is over 1 and
not breast feeding. Drinking from a bottle after 1 is damaging to your childs teeth and pacifiers can delay speech. Potty training can start early by introducing the potty and talking about it. It is a little to young for him to actually use it. Undermining the nanny or adult in charge will only teach a child that they can do whatever without consequences. That child will end up disrepecting is parents in the furture.
I don't believe parents always know what's best. Not to say nannies do,but if someone with experience gives you advice you should consider it. I've helped raise a lot of children and know from experience what works and how smart children are even at 1yrs old.
By the way if he was in daycare the teachers would be doing the same thing the nanny is trying.
Anonymous, it seems you should have paid attention when Mommy of 2 said this:
"To me the OP sounds exactly like I did BEFORE I had kids. I had all kinds of opinions on what other people were doing wrong with their children."
I don't have children yet either, but at least I've figured out that nannying and parenting them is totally different.
WOW- This sounds EXACTLY like the family I nanny for... I get to work at 6:30am and the 9 month old is usually awake with Dad with a SOPPING wet & or poopy diaper... He always leaves it for me... Their 2 year old is still offered bottle of milk and they ALL sleep together. I am sorry but there is NO WAY co-sleeping is good for a child. I do not care what anyone says... it is not good for the kids or for a relationship/marriage. I know that no one in my nanny family gets enough sleep at night because they are always waking each other up! Good luck to you... At least you know you are not alone... I am there too!!!
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