Received Sunday, December 20, 2009
I really need some help and I will try not to make this too confusing to read. I wrote the "HOW CLOSE IS TOO CLOSE" post on June 16 2009. This post talked about the bond with the family I am a nanny for and I was concerned if I was too close. You all gave me great advice and I tried to use it.
Now, I have a problem. Boss mom did a 180 on me. The little boy started school in September full time and they kept me on and everything was fine. I guess maybe around the end of October I started to feel a distance with boss mom. I let it go. I figure she is just in a mood or maybe has something going on that she doesn't want to talk about and I should just give it time. After all this time, it didn't change so now I decided it was time to talk to her and see what was going on. Let me just mention, that I have been having mood swings (not bipolar) just mood swings and I know that sometimes I may not be the most delightful person to be around. I readily admit that.
I sat with boss mom and stated that I know that I have mood swings and sometimes I am not easy to be around but that I am getting a vibe that something is wrong and I need to know what it is. She told me that over the past couple months it seems that my mood swings have been getting more frequent and that they have become hard to deal with and she had to just shut herself down from me because she doesn't know what she can do to help me. I told her I understand. I cried. She told me she appreciates me coming to her and that we can have this talk again if we need to. She told me that a long time ago we crossed the boundary between me being the nanny and them being the employers and I will always have what I have there, but she is done with emotional things. I told her I understand (Just a side note, they had major problems last year with their marriage that I supported them thru to the point where it was affecting my personal life). Anyway, I took the brunt of all this -blaming myself, told her I am sorry and that I get where she is coming from. They just want to work on rebuilding what they almost lost last year and enjoy their holiday season. I totally understand.
I decided to speak to a therapist, because I really needed help with all this. He told me that he is positive they still want me to be a "part of the family" and enjoy all the family activities that I was always a part of in the past, but just not with the emotional attachment. He told me to be the nanny and let them be the employer. I told him that's hard to do after all we have been thru together. The therapist said "well, that's all they want". I was invited to Xmas eve at their house as I am every year and I don't want to go, but therapist told me I should to just keep it normal. He said all I need to do is take a step back. I understand, but I don't know how.
Like today...child is sick..so even though I am not around today, I called to ask how he was and even though the conversation was okay with boss mom about it, cause that's all we talked about, it was not enough for me. A little while ago, I text to let them know that due to snow church is canceled tomorrow. I probably should not have done that, because that's info they could have found out themselves. I semi understand what I have to do, but just I'm having trouble figuring out EXACTLY what taking a step back is. The therapist tries to explain, but its all so hard to figure out and then when I do something like send that text to let them know that church was canceled, I sit here with a knot in my stomach thinking I did something horrible and they are going to wonder why I just can't leave them alone.
Any advice for me would be appreciated. I guess I am just having trouble figuring out a way to adjust to them not wanting an emotional attachment anymore. Its hard, because this is what they want, but yet they want me to come to Christmas eve like I have done every year. I just don't get it.