Hi everyone. I love this site because there is a variety of backgrounds and education as well as personal experiences that can offer insight and advice on problems I am having with two different children in my class. Neither problem is severe to the point it concerns development, yet both problems make for a horrible workday.Problem 1 is an aggressive child who repeatedly hits children throughout the day. This particular child knows that what they are doing hurts, yet this child continues to do it. Many times there is nothing provoking the child to display this behavior-when the child doesn't get their way, they hit other children. I remove the child from the others, and the screaming starts, along with more children being hit, only because the child is mad. In other words, I separate the child, giving personal space to have the tantrum. The child is upset, and during the tantrum, hits other children.
An example of this would be today when this child got mad over a toy and hit another child. In 20-25 minutes, this child hit the the child the argument was with 4 times. The parents know about the aggressive behavior and don't really say or do anything. The child does have moments of good listening and empathy, yet there are days like today where I was frustrated. I have worked with aggressive children before, yet this child, along with the screaming gets on my nerves. A parent saw this behavior from this child and my owner did an observation, witnessing the same behavior the parent did. I was beyond embarrassed by this behavior. I realize children are children, yet if any of you were in my shoes for a week, you would get tired and stressed from this child.
Problem 2 is a child who does not talk all day. Talking to this child is like talking to a wall. I have tried everything to get this child to talk, only to get nowhere. This child has no delays of any kind, so what we have here is a power struggle. Any advice for either or both problems?
Update 12/23:
I wrote in last week about an aggressive child in my class and now we (my co teacher and I) need to undo this behavior the parents ignore. Prior to naptime, I had this child and two other children sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for a turn to go potty, when the aggressive child shoved another child for no reason into the door. I firmly explained to the aggressor that what they did was not ok. I then told the aggressor they could go potty to which they screamed, because they were "angry". This child was angry at the children around them, and attempted to hit the other children for looking at them. After thirty minutes of screaming the aggressor fell asleep.
An incident happened today, which explains why I am writing again. The children were playing quietly with each other when the aggressor, minding his own business and unprovoked, went up to another child, hitting that child with a puzzle box. My co teacher and I were upset by this, made it clear on the parent report that the aggressor was not provoked by any child, and that other children were playing together without him when a child got hurt. We stated there was no reason for him to hurt the other child, which there wasn't.
Now this brings me to the parents, and the fact they ignore the aggressive behavior.
Last week at p/u the aggressor's parent observed their child walk up to another child and hit them. The other child was getting snowpants or boots on to go outside, thereby doing nothing to the aggressor. Let me repeat that. The aggressor went up to another child and hit them in front of the parent, and the other child wasn't doing anything to anger the child. The aggressor's parent said and did nothing.
A few weeks ago, the aggressor was upset about something and hit their parent, in which the parent responded by laughing. What kind of parent allows this behavior? The parents think this behavior is cute, do nothing to prevent it, and we have children getting hurt in our classroom. This child is expecting a baby sibling soon, and we think the problem will get worse. This is not baby related, as this child displayed aggressive behavior with the previous teacher. I don't think she could do much either, because the parents do nothing at home. We don't want to send the child to the office, because we want to handle this ourselves. He runs back to the group when separated, we use praise when we see him using gentle touches and words, we take away his blankie when he hits and we know stickers or behavior charts won't work, because he will still hurt other children.
We have a theory that if the parents did something about this behavior, the child wouldn't be like this. This child is very sweet, smart, funny, and can play well with other children, they just hit other children for no reason. What can we do to get through to the parents their child is aggressive, and how do we undo the "damage" the parents have done?
17 comments:
I would call the parents to come pick up the kid everytime he starts hitting. Otherwise other kids are going to be getting removed from the school. I wouldn't let my kid go to school to be a punching bag. Ask your director to establish a policy so if it happens x number of times the parents need to find a new school. Maybe then the parents will start caring and disciplining him.
Anonymous said...
I am guessing that you are a teacher in a daycare of preschool class room?
For child number 1 if they are really being removed from the situation then they shouldn't be able to hit while they are taking a time out. I would go over the classroom rules with all the children, and when this particular child comes in I would tell him, "we share, we do not hit" if you decide to hit, the consequence will be..." You need to end this behavior before it escalates.
For child number 2 I have heard cases of children who become selectively mute when in a new environment, I would not focus on the problem, don't try to get them to talk, let them be but still include them in the class.
8:27 PM
You need a moniker!!
Re-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
OP, I don't think you are in the right profession. First, the aggressive child is not sufficiently removed from the situation and is not in a safe place to have his tantrums, if you say he is continuing to hit others when you "remove him." Obviously he is not sufficiently removed. In the second case, you are so quick to call this a power struggle. You see it this way. The child is scared. It is not a power struggle. The fact that you see it this way perhaps has made it a power struggle for you.
Sounds like this child may suffer from Aspergers or something else. Mention it to the director of the school. Hopefully, they can setup a meeting with the parents. And hopefully he can get evaluated. And if hes under three start Early Intervention.
I bet the second child does have some emotional delay. Sounds like "shut down" to me.
Like what I mentioned for the first case, he needs evaluation too.
The phrase 'power struggle' always leaves a bad taste in my mouth -- that's what my dad mistakenly accused me of every time I had a tantrum as a child. I don't know any kid who thinks, "Gee, if I don't talk, I'll be more powerful than the teacher!" This behaviour is either coming from fear, or from one of the increasingly prevalent autism spectrum disorders like Aspergers. Child #2 needs help you're clearly not equipped to give.
The first child needs removed from the classroom (assuming you are a preschool teacher?) until the parents are either able to get him under control, or get him professional help to find out what is so terribly wrong. The other children don't deserve to be hurt or to be afraid to come to school. I would pull my kid right out of your school if some bully kid was allowed to torment him on a continual basis like this. And the hitter doesn't deserve to have his problems ignored by his parents, or his school teachers. Somebody needs to see that he gets help.
The non talking child also needs to be professionally evaluated. This is also not normal behavior.
Wow, the hitter does need to be FULLY removed from the classroom, the other kids, and the toys. I'd say explain that hitting is NOT okay just because he is angry (you don't say how old these kids are), remind him of the importance of using words, even tell him exactly what words he could say ("hey, it's MY turn right now!") and that if he hits, he has to be kept away from everything for 15 minutes each time, because you cannot allow him to hurt other people. 15 minutes REALLY away from all the action is a long time for a preschooler, and after a few days of that consequence, he will most likely start to learn to handle his frustration differently, unless he has a real mental problem. And if not, then go with the suggestion of establishing a policy that each time he hits, his parents will be contacted to come and pick him up immediately, and if they will not, or if he continues to hit, he will be expelled. It's true that he cannot be allowed to ruin the school for all the other kids, and his parents MUST do something to address this behavior.
I don't know what to suggest for the 2nd child. Does he do this in situations other than school, and have his parents discussed it with his doctor or any other professionals? You seem sure it is not due to any development delay, so there's no reason you need to insist on response from the child, unless he is deliberately ignoring communications such as "now it's circle time, please come join the group".
The first child is almost three years old, and when separated from the group, will scream "no!", run back to the group and hit more children. They need to be put back in the same spot to have their tantrum a few times before they are able to join the group again, at which point they knows why they were separated. The second child didn't talk in the previous room they were in before joining my room, and was gone for the summer because Mom had a new baby. (Another factor in this non verbal issue is that there has been a lot of teachers in my room since the child returned to the center.) The child didn't talk for almost a year before they turned three. My co teacher, with a college degree, Fox, thinks it's a power struggle, as do Mom and Dad, because when Mom and Dad d/o or p/u, this child talks a mile a minute. If you notice the child talking and mention something or say good morning or goodbye, the child clams up. So Fox, this child is going to be four next year, and didn't talk in the other room they were in before getting moved up to my class and my co teacher made the suggestion that this child is possibly doing this on purpose, you think I am in the wrong profession? Do you think my co teacher is too, since I am wondering if she is right? Thanks for your support.
Actually, child 2 is probably not a "power struggle". I wrote a paper on this for one of my upper division college classes for Childhood Speech Disorders. Also, when I was a camp counselor, I had a child who was the same way, though I didn't figure out that this was the case until I wrote the paper!
Do not get frustrated at her because she won't talk. It IS a disorder, not a "power struggle". Just because she can and/or does talk in other situations (such as if the parents tell you she is perfectly capable of speech and talks to them/at home all the time), does not mean that she is just being a brat in your class.
It is called Selective Mutism. You should look it up as I don't think anyone wants me posting the 12 pages of my paper in here... It is totally possible that the parents don't know/recognize this to be a disorder either. The child's teacher is an important part in the therapy these kids receive! Here is a link to a resource I used for my paper...
http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism.htm
If you are interested in more information, I had to have 10 resources for my paper so I could share those and/or the paper itself with you if Jane or Mary would hook us up.
Don't be disheartened- I know it can be very frustrating. I had the camper for 24 hours a day for a week and she wouldn't speak at all! She even got sick one day and still wouldn't tell me what was wrong. The entire week I communicated by guessing what she needed or going through the alphabet and she would stop me when whatever it was she wanted to tell me started with the letter I was at. I quickly got over the idea that she would just start talking and once I did I was able to really enjoy being around her, and the other campers loved her! Just try not to get too annoyed with Child 2 because it is just as pointless at getting angry with a child who has a lisp and you have trouble understanding what they are trying to say... :)
Thanks 11:23! I never thought of that, and no, we are not angry with this child. It is just frustrating when we try to communicate and get nowhere.
Well, clearly the hitter is NOT being removed from their surroundings if they are still able to reach out and hit other kids. Removed would be in another room or outside, AWAY from all the other kids. And prevented from running back to where they want to be for the entire time. Moving them 2 feet away and walking away while they scream and run back to hit other kids is obviously NOT going to help, and hasn't, or you would not have written here. I suggested 15 minutes because they need to be first unable to hurt anyone or anything and given time to scream and then calm down so they are then ready to listen and think about their actions, and try again. It sounds like he also needs to be given better tools for expressing his anger, like practice at using his words instead of acting out physically. Almost 3 is still pretty young, this would be different if he were almost 5. He is still perfectly capable of leearning if given more effective direction.
Maybe, these kids should be in a special pre-k program. My son is going to attend one. All the parents have to do is get in touch with the Board of Education and they will do evaluations. If needed they put them in a special class. The teachers are specially trained. They receive speech therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy.
They say the kids do so well in these programs. So by the time they start kindergarten they are in a better place. Maybe, less frustrated, etc.
And if they still need some help its offered to them.
My son would do "shut downs" when the special therapist would come to the house and ask him questions. He was little though under two. But now hes getting older and its alot better. Hes talking even if its maily single words. But its getting better. And I am sure once hes in the school he will improve.
OP, I don't think you're in the wrong profession. You obviously care about getting to the bottom of these behaviors. It sounds like you don't have help from a director or program supervisor. If you don't have management to back you you'll have an uphill battle. I'm going to have to disagree with Calimom on the 15 minute time out. Licensing specifies (might be different in your state) that time outs last no longer than the child's age (3 yr olds get a 3 minute time out). I would sit down with your director and the child's parents and draw up a plan. Explain to them what you will do if he hits (first offense, removed from room. Second offense, sent to office. Third offense call home. Forth offense removal from center by parent. Etc..) In the end if his behavior doesn't improve it might be time to ask the parents to find alternative care. Good luck!
justsaying, I guess what I meant by a time out was not actually the "time out" where there is no discussion and the child must stay still and quiet by themselves, but really, a 15 minute period where they are COMPLETELY removed from the fun of all the toys, other kids, etc, and in a quiet place with the teacher to have the necessary discussion, and tantrum if that is part of the situation. In other words, 15 minutes in the office, or outside, or wherever they can be alone with the teacher and no toys or other kids to hit, so the consequence and discussion is a bit more memorable and effective for them.
OP, of course the child is doing it on purpose. That is quite obvious!
To see it as a power struggle, or something that the child is doing for the purpose of getting on your nerves (or other adults' nerves) is the issue. It's wrongheaded to assume that "negative" behavior, in this case not talking, is directed at you, or that the child is doing it to annoy you. Having a tendency to believe that this is directed at you will make it difficult for a person to deal well with children and specialize in child care.
Children don't talk when they are nervous, scared, uncomfortable or something is wrong. The child is not doing it to bother you. This doesn't seem to be the right environment for this child.
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