I have a question or concern that I would love to voice. The employer asked if I could take their child to get his hair cut, indicating what they wanted as far as a bit off the sides, bangs, length and so forth. When we arrived at "my" salon, my hairstylist went to work. He did a great job, but the haircut was "shorter" than what Mom and Dad had in mind. Mom threw a fit and Dad has not talked to me since. They were very accusatory, demeaning and just down right nasty.I have raised my two older children (27 & 19 yrs. old) and have a 7 yr. old that is in school and I care for her, take care of my household, prepare meals, do laundry and then go to my nanny job and do the same. I get paid $12.00 per hour and I am doing so much for the family, not just the child. I take him to his activities, out on walks, clear the walkway of snow, assist mom with laundry by folding things that are left in the dryer, do all the dishes, leaving the kitchen cleaner than when I arrived. I make beds, fold blankets, clean up all the child's toys from his playroom, bedroom and kitchen play area. We interact all day. He has to be stimulated all day. I have never seen anything like it. If you are not playing with him he throws a fit.
But the hair thing is a bit overboard, considering that I had a son 27 yrs. old that passed away from testicular cancer. I wish I just had that moment to hold that boy with or without hair. He did not have hair for four years and when this woman saw her son she completely freaked out and screamed at me, and my daughter was present. She ran to the father and indicated that "I cut all his hair off!" Then emailed me over two days with insults and questioning my parenting skills, my ability to care for her son, my judgement and so much more. I felt so bad as she indicated she was crying every time she looked at him. I was floored that someone could be so shallow!! Again, he is the same little boy and his hair will grow back. I apologized profusely, but that did not work. I hugged her and apologized in person, insisting that I did not mean any harm.
Her final email to me was that she just needed to "vent". See you on Monday. When I completed work this week and was leaving I did not get a goodbye, see you later, have a great holiday, nothing!!! I have only been with this family for a month, but am looking for employment elsewhere as I feel they both just take advantage of their workers and do not have a clue in regard to raising their child. Don't pick him up, don't soothe him, don't torment him!! I do not do any of these things and she is constantly doing them herself and then when I try to soothe him when he is crying or upset, "don't do that, he needs to know how to do that on his own and we do not want him to rely on us for comfort!" What is that?? I have never heard of such a thing. Then turns around and does the complete opposite and holds him, soothes him and picks him back up after throwing a tantrum. All the things she tells me not to do?? So, what gives??
How do I handle this woman and family until I find another job? I feel so bad for the child who is 18 months old. He seems so confused. So, if he is, how do you think I feel? I just need some advice on what to say or do, when the parents react this way. Like I indicated I have three children, been a foster parent for many children, have been a child care provider for numerous families and their children, from birth on up, so I do not feel that these individuals would have trusted me with their precious little ones without checking me out first. These people have never asked for my license or my ID, gave me keys to their home and it was like "here we are, take care of us!" Again, because I am a caretaking type of person, I enjoy children and all the aspects of raising them, but I am extremely perplexed by this women's behavior!! Please share any and all comments that could be beneficial in my circumstances. Thank you, I appreciate all your help!!
23 comments:
there is nothing you can do but focus on leaving. They sound like whack jobs. I sent my nanny to take my dd for her 1st hair cut....it looked awful - like a mullet, but in no way did I blame my nanny (who by the way couldn't stop apologizing for how bad it looked!) Of course it's the fault of the person who cut the hair - and like you said, I knew it would grow back. Besides, it's very hard to cut hair on a squirming toddler.
Nanny here - it's time to say good bye.
They both sound very mean with no common sense , if they want someone to blame it should be the hairdresser, anyhow I am wondering? why on earth are you doing yard work? clearing snow in the yard? I think that you have over extended yourself too much , as such, you have given them "power" to disrespect you, for crying out loud it's only a month you have been employed ther. geesh
Good grief! One month and you've been groomed into an indentured servant! How could you let them get away with this.. all for $12 an hour! And then to have your employers lose it over a haircut? Do they even know about your son? If not, then they should be told. Please explain to them what you went through.. if they can't force themselves to apologize for their behavior, then they just aren't compassionate human beings.
After what they've put you through, you really need to leave.. as of yesterday.
OP...Is this your first nanny job? Just curious? For only being there 1 month..there sure is alot going on already.
Why are you shoveling their driveway??? Thats not part of a nanny job! If you injure your back they won't give a rats ass.
And its the parents fault with the whole hair cutting thing. First, they should take their own kids. If they are that anal. Second, if you know a special event or holiday is coming up with pictures, don't have your childs hair cut in that same time frame! It should be cut a week or two before.
It sounds like they degrade you. And you are more like their housekeeper than a nanny.
Please let us know what happens.
I am so sorry about your son first of all. That must have been so hard. You sound like a great Mom and Nanny and it's too bad this family doesn't realize it. You are either one of their first nannies or they have gone through a ton and never figure out why.
All you can do is leave. There is no way you are going to change this family or how they parent their little boy. It is helpful to discuss and even write up a contract when you start a nanny job as to what the duties are. I would never list shoveling snow or any other of the extravagant things you do!! For all the chores you do, you should be making above $30 an hour.
Please find another family who will appreciate you.
wow, the mom seems like a nut job. I mean the poor kid is 18 mo old, it is only hair. I wonder though, was it his first haircut? If so she should have been there anyway. But I mean little kids don't sit still and the hair will grow back in no time. Also, I cannot believe you have only been with this family for a month. I feel bad for the child but it may only get worse. Plus it is not your fault, you didn't cut the hair and you told the hairdresser what to do. If she wanted it to be exactly specific she should have put a mark with a marker on his head so it would be exactly that. (JK) :)
Quit. These people are crazy axxholes and they will not change, because crazy axxholes never do.
I am so sorry about your son. It sounds like you are a wonderful caregiver and these people are completely batsht CRAZY.
Get out as soon as you can.
The parents sound impossible to work for. No employee should tolerate being yelled at. Sadly for the little boy they won't be able to keep a good nanny. You do need to quit, but be careful about the next job you take. Get your duties in writing, and NO snow shoveling! There are nice families out there. I hope you find one!
OP, some people take things for granted, she doesn't realize worse things could happen to her child, but you know firsthand, but it doesn't take losing a child to see the personalities of these employers will never mesh with yours.
Already I see a control issue, and I'm afraid you've (with your generous nature) let them use you, and that only heightens their sense of control.
When someone yells at you (warranted or not), they are taking a huge chance and what you do next makes or breaks the relationship.
There are so many different routes to take here, with many different results.
If you are deciding to leave (which I think may be a great idea) then giving her a fine talking to about your reasons would be excellent; she would not be quick to do that to anybody else.
If you can't leave right away, you could still tell her how much you felt disrespected, but that you do understand the shock the haircut caused; or you could just not say anything about the whole thing, bide your time and leave when you have sorted out yourself. You really do not need a reference from a job you've only been for one month.
I'd opt for any chance to tell her how much yelling at someone is not acceptable
Bottom line is that you need to be comfortable with the decision you make, but please do not stand for disrespect, it only gets worse.
The other thing is that you are at odds with their parenting skills. This will never work, because you will feel so stifled, and already you are powerless with this woman telling you while working not to comfort her child, not to mention she does the same thing and sends mixed messages to her child.
Just terrible situation.
Shoveling snow???? what's that about?
Where are you located? I want to hire you!
These people don't even come close to being deserving of your services. They are not fit to have a nanny.
"When someone yells at you (warranted or not), they are taking a huge chance and what you do next makes or breaks the relationship."
Excellent point!
Something doesnt ring true about this post.
Oh my god what a mean and heartless woman, You'll find something better, God always shows us a way. You can't stay there, that's for sure. You deserve better. I will pray for you.
I would just detach myself and go to work with a 'whatever' attitude everyday until you can leave them high and dry.
First,
Im sorry about your son.
Second, you need a new job, pronto. This lady sounds really crazy and abusive. Who YELLS at other adults? Thats nuts.
And if she cared so much about her child's first haircut, she should have taken her himself. That's one of the really special milestones that most parents want to participate in and take pictures of. Even later haircuts...we made such a fun time of those. I found special kids hair shops where they could sit in little cars or play video games and it was always fun for them to be there and fun for me to watch them having fun. In fact, they had a shop here in Dallas where there was a big ball pit and lots of toys and video game consoles out front in the waiting room. They liked it so much that we never made appointemnts but just went in as walk ins...specifically so that we would have to wait a while before they could all be squeezed in. I really don't get why parents wouldn't want to go to things like haircuts with their kids.
Whatgives-why is there always one person who thinks that the post is made up? this post sounds believable.
I had worked for a family, the first family I worked for, who were kind of like this. We had no contract and I ended up doing a lot of extra things because of that. So for your next job, make make make sure you havce one!! Also, the comfort comment is what I could also relate to...the mom and dad of that family I had worked for would encourage me to let the kids work it out for themselves to get tough. Yet, their mom and sometimes their dad would do just the opposite, sending mixed messages to me and the kids. But, the way I saw it...they were not fit to have a nanny and they didn't enjoy the idea of their kids going to the nanny for comfort instead of them. who knows. But this story is completely believable!!
op im really sorry to hear about your situation. it sounds like this family has never had real hardship in their life...otherwise they may be a little more selective on the issues they get (soooo) upset about. like you said you lost your son and would give anything to hold him w/ or w/out hair...it just show you know the meaning of real heartbreak....a bad haircut not qualifying as such hardship...these people obviously just dont know and should be thankful for everything good in their life. Im sorry for your loss and your situation. Best of luck to you on finding a good family to work for.
I am not sure that OP said she is shoveling snow in the manner some of you are freaking out about. All of what she claims to do seems pretty routine. She said "I take him to his activities, out on walks, clear the walkway of snow, assist mom with laundry by folding things that are left in the dryer, do all the dishes, leaving the kitchen cleaner than when I arrived. I make beds, fold blankets, clean up all the child's toys from his playroom, bedroom and kitchen play area. We interact all day."
What about that is such hard work for someone who is supposedly getting paid to do child care? If you live in an area with constant snow throughout the day, you either "clear the walkway" before going out (or as a courtesy to someone coming in), risk falling, or wait all day for whoever you may have hired to get there and clear it. Then it needs done again 30 minutes later. This is a task that falls upon whatever adult in in the house and needs to get out, unless of course, your Hedge Fund employer is using TARP funds to keep a FT walk clearer on stand-by.
I so don't agree Chanel.
If it snows at my workplace. I will stay inside until my employer and/or the person that is hired to shovel the snow does so.
I would never ever dream of clearing any snow anywhere anytime, but different strokes for different strokes.
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