Received Tuesday, November 25, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
Dear Nannies and Parents - I really need some help. I work for a wonderful family, going on 3 years now. We have a wonderful relationship. I am an extension to them as they are to me. In fact, I can't imagine being anywhere else right now and I wish every nanny was as lucky as I am. I just have one issue. The mom and dad are divorcing. Long story short - is that they decided to move dad's mom in as she is getting older, but its not working out. Her being there has managed to tear them apart. Mom vents and cries to me all the time and I feel really bad that this has happened. Maybe I feel a little too bad - meaning that because I am so close to them, this is affecting me in a big way. I am very hurt that this is happening to them. I feel bad for them and feel bad for the kids.
Sometimes when I sit and think, I get myself scared wondering if I'm getting too involved in their issues. I am a live out nanny, but even live out nannies need boundaries. I think I've climbed over to their side of the wall and don't know how to get myself back on my own side. I know the info I gave is vauge, but personal stories and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, I love this family like they are my own, and they are the same way with the way they treat me. That's why this is so hard.
11 comments:
Oh honey,
they don't give a rat's ass about you. I know it hurts, but it is TRUE. Be glad their life is in disarray, if you fell and broke your arm and were reduced to working as a circus clown to pay the rent, they would all be laughing their asses off. And the kids, too. They follow the parents lead.
UH, yeah right JJ, whoever you are. You're so hilarious.
Well, OP, all I can say is I think you are a much better person than me to be so involved and caring. I am a live out nanny and I tend to be more detached.
First, I think you should aknowlege that being a listening ear for the mother is a MAJOR support you are offering and it probably is helping her in the long run.
But to help you take your mind off it, I think it would be good if you could find something to occupy your time. Like a hobby, girlfriends, a new excercise routine, even renting some old seasons of Sex and the City to make you laugh.
It's beautiful that you care, but it's important for you to lower your stress and be happy.
I really feel for you, you've been put in such a terrible position and i'm sure if they knew about how you are feeling they'd be heart broken. Obviously i don't know the full situation but from what you've written it doesn't sound like they realise what they are doing to you.
I've worked as a nanny for the last 14 years and have at times been drawn into something within the family that consumes all my time,even my time off.
Being a nanny is the best job in the world but it is so emotionally draining.
I've always been lucky and had great friends who are nannies so i've found it helpful to off load on them sometimes. Obviously pick your friends carefully but i generally find that just having the support of another nanny really helps.
Goodluck
And JJ, you have a very low opinion of families. You've obviously not been as lucky as me. If you get rid of the very large chip on your shoulder and be nice then you might get to meet a decent family.
JJ
What a heartless thing to say. You so obviously have no one in YOUR life that gives a shit about YOU.
OP
I know this must be so painful for you right now, but you really should try and take a step back.. if for no other reason than your health. I know you care about them, but this is NOT your battle, honey. Good luck to you, I hope everything around you calms down soon.
Hmmm...you sound like me. I can never contain myself in that employer-employee relationship. But, if it's to the point where you are losing sleep over it, then something needs to change. Sorry, I guess I don't have any advice to give, it's a tough situation.
Just worry about the kids. Do what I do when I get confided in - smile and nod. Hug the kids more.
Marry the dad on the rebound and then your really WILL be part of the family!!
Thank you to those who responded with serious answers. I appreciate the advice. Its very hard sometimes when being a nanny to distinguish how close is too close to the family you take care of especially because its personal. You go into someones house every day to take care of their most prized possession and when you have a good relationship and attachment to the family-you are there to see the good, the bad and the different. And to have that great of a relationship and attachment it becomes hard to stay on your side of the fence. The boundery line sometimes dissappears.
OP, It is no wonder you are stressed, you are in a very difficult position. You don't say whether the family has gone for counseling. If they haven't, I would urge the mom to consider it the next time she confides in you. If their conflicts stem from the MIL living with them, they might be helped to work things out.
Other than that, there isn't much you can do, other than be there for the children.
I think you should tell the mom that you need to set some boundaries in order to be able to do your job correctly. If she is half as considerate and caring as you seem to be, she will definitely understand. What a terrible situation. And Manhattan Nanny is right about counseling. They should take it out with someone. But not with you.
JJ...where the crap did that come from???
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