Children left alone at Home: When is the right age?
Many parents with young children dream of the day they can walk out the door without a baby sitter, turning a stroll with the dog or a trip to the bank into an exhilarating adventure. But unlike so many aspects of child care that are clearly laid out by pediatrician’s decree or government regulation, this is a rite of passage without clear guidelines.
Your thoughts?
51 comments:
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I believe the law here in Texas is that a child can be left alone at age 10 (although that information was given to me by a 10 year old who reported that his teacher had announced that law in class and asked all of the children who were allowed to stay home alone to raise their hands...and that he was the lone child who sat, humiliated, with his hand down.)
I left my child home shortly after that conversation while I went to the grocery store, three blocks away. He was instructed to sit on the sofa watching television the entire time and to not eat even a morsel(lest he immediately choke to death in my absence) and to never, never answer the door. Then I proceeded to call him at least three times during the 45 minutes I was gone to make sure he was still alive. Poor kid! OMG! I'd say I was a tad on the "cautious" side...hehehe! But, in my defense, he was my first...and the one who always seemed to manage to find ways to land just this side of death or serious bodily injury with his daredevil antics.
To go entirely out for an evening an leave a child all alone, I felt comfortable at about 11 or 12...depending on which kid it was...but that's a whole "nuther" story! I never feel totally great about leaving my daughter alone...but that's just because she's a girl...and I watch all of those true life forensic crime shows. But I know realistically that she is safe. We live in a safe community and have our house wired to the hilt with security alarms to boot.
Gimmeabreak
I'm sorry you're having trouble, but the Link is working. All I can suggest is try again.
Is anyone else having problems? It came up for me when I tried it.
I just recently started to leave my very mature and responsible 9 y.o. at home in 15 minute increments. We also use walkie-talkies that have a 5 mile radius (I recommend those highly!) - and I leave strict orders not to answer the phone or the door. We keep in constant contact through the walkie-talkies, and he loves the "newfound" independence I have given him.
If he was any other child, I don't think I'd do it. But some of the parents that leave their 9 and 10 y.o. alone for hours at a time? wrong. I don't think that's a good idea at all.
I used to babysit the neighborhood kids when I was 11 years old. Crazy how times have changed!!!
I used to babysit all of the neighborhood kids when I was 11 or 12. I was very mature, but yes how times have changed!!! I would say at 11 or 12 they are ready to be left alone for a few hours BUT it completely depends on the child.
We leave the kid sleeping and go out. he's 8 and he's stayed home alone. He doesn't do anything just plays video games, and we have dog inside the house so that makes us feel comfortable, and my parents live down the street. So 8 isn't that bad to stay home. He is a good kid, I think it all depends on the kid, my step-son can stay home but some of his friends I wouldn't trust to stay home alone until they were 50
I too babysat at 11...and for one family with two older kids and a new infant, starting when the baby was 9 days old! But times were different and I was mature, and they knew my family well.
Phoenix,
Are you really for real, or simply trying to get a rise out of moms here? Because I really feel worse and worse for your step child every time you write about how you and your husband treat him. But the way you phrase things (which seem to be almost intentially cold and harshly) makes me think you are just making this all up. So which is it, please?
If you are for real, I don't blame you for not knowing how to parent, because you did not have this child. However, you must trust me that your feelings toward him and your actions toward him are not good for him at all. He is a little boy. Does anybody truly love him and treat him as though he is the most important thing in their lives? Please take a class ot read some parenting books...especially concerning emotional development and what things parents can do to affect that for the better and worse.
I think a lot depends on the maturity level of the child involved. I know 10 year olds who are very responsible and 17 year olds who shouldn't be trusted to boil water alone!
Other contributing factors I would consider; the crime rate of the area and the support system in case of emergency. Are there several trustworthy neighbors to call upon if something bad happens like a fire breaks out or someone tries to break in or if the child simply gets scared? Of course the law needs to be followed regarding age limits, but the law saying a child can legally be left alone at a certain age does not mean every child is capable of being left alone at that age.
My older son was permitted to come home form school and stay alone in the house for about 3 hours when he was 10. I worked about 15 minutes away at the time, he had strict instructions not to use the stove (I made sure to buy plenty of microwave things for him to have if he wanted.) and we live in a small building where everyone knows him. At the time, one of my neighbors stayed home and she was always around if he needed something.
it all depends on the kid and the living situation.
My parents left me home alone when I was about 10, I think. Unlike some of the other people on here, I was always instructed to answer the phone and tell people that Mom "couldn't come to the phone" or was in the bathroom or something--my mother was afraid that someone would call, think no one was home, and decide to break in. Never, ever was I allowed to answer the door or do anything besides read or watch TV. I started babysitting shortly after that. I definitely agree that it depends on the maturity of the child.
oh gosh mom, I agree with you. I have read a few of the posts from pheonix, also- and I am worried for this boy.
Please pheonix, get some help. This kid needs someone to care about him. He's being neglected.
It totally depends on the maturity of the child. I started leaving mine alone when they were 7, for quick trips to the store. They never once got hurt or anything.
When they turned 10, then I felt better leaving them alone for longer amounts of time.
I also don't think a child should be responsible for a younger brother or sister until they are around 11 or 12, and only then if they can handle it.
What did I say that made you'll upset, I was just quick typing a response saying that my step-son is mature enough to stay home alone at 8. Maybe I should rephrase it.
My step-son is mature enough to stay home at 8. Since 5 he gets himself up and in the shower and ready for school, grabs his lunch and walks across the street to the school, but he waits for the crossing guard like I told him. As soon as he gets home he does his homework by himself before he plays (that was his rule, not ours) He clears his own plate and puts it into the dishwasher, he gets himself ready for bed, and tells us that he doesn't want to drink soda or eat too much candy because it is bad for his teeth. He does all this on his own. He is very responsible for 8. When we left to go for a walk around the neighborhood we took my cell and told him to call us if he had any problems. He just stayed in his room and didn't get into anything.
I am still confused how my post was neglectful or mean. You'll have to understand that I don't hate this child, I just don't possess the maternal instinct to love unconditinally. I love my family and I respect that my husband does need his son. I don't have children of my own, but I do know how to raise them and what they need to develop. I am not mean to this kid and his father is very good to him, he loves him. Gives him everything that he can and tries to teach him about life. My feelings are never shown in front of the kid, I tell him I love him and hug him when I see him. I don't talk mean about his mother in front of him and I am always nice. I just don't like kids.
Phoenix,
I wasn't implying that you're a bad preson, or that you intentionally mistreat this child. You yourself mentioned that you don't have that warm, fuzzy maternal feeling, and so had made a personal decision not to produce more children... which I commend you for wholeheartedly.
I know it is hard for step moms, particularly when there is tension with the birth mother. And oyur husband hasn't done much to help that situation.I understand.
I dont' think you're neglectful or mean. I just think maybe, being a non-fuzzy type personality yoursself, don't realize that this boy is a lot younger on the inside than his very mature behavior suggests on the outside....and probably needs a lot of tender loving affection and somebody to do some of the things for him, or with him, that he is now doing for himself. Not because he can't manage on his own....but because having a parent wake you up, make you some breakfast, see you off with a kiss and a hug in the morning before school, tuck you in at night and either stay home while you sleep, or hire a babysitter to protect you in their absence, gives a little kid a lot of security and a sense of his importance to the people who should love him most. Kids can be self sufficient, but they are small and insecure on the inside...because the're little kids...which is why they need parents.
Maybe that you refer to him pretty consistently as "the kid" instead of "my son" or "my step son"...I don't know. I think your post a while back about how you make sure he knows he is responsible when he does something dumb and gets hurt maybe sounded a little harsh to me.
I understand and agree with some of your overall principles about self sufficiency and tough love...it is just something I perceive in your writing that makes me worry that the element of unconditional love is missing in there...and that is essential with any sort of tough love parenting style. Without the love being abundant and very obvious to the child ('cause, remember, they can be insecure)...all that's left is the tough. And for such a little boy, that could have serious long term results.
I truly was most concerned when you mentioned that the dad treats him the same way...because, while you're the step parent...he's the DAD. I've just seen a lot of families like this where the child is sort of expected to grow up a little faster and a little tougher than he might...and it never turns out well.
Again, Phoenix. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you probably got thrown into something that was a lot more difficult, stressful and demanding than you realized. You also weren't there when this boy was born and haven't been in love with him from the day of his birth like most of us have the luxury of feeling automatically with our child. That makes it harder to identify, I think, with the little person inside his head and feel the depth of empathy you might otherwise.
It's not your fault. I just think you might be really surprised and enlightened if you spent some time researching this more...or something. You have the potential to be the one person who saves this little guy's psyche. What an incredible opportunity...and awesome responsibility at the same time. But you seem from your posts to be pretty smart, so I think you have what it takes to do it...otherwise I wouldn't have bothered even mentioning it. If I thought you were a heartless person who would write some angry comeback, I would not have bothered writing something that I know could come off as offensive to you...because what would be the point? I can see that you care and are trying really hard ot be a good step mom...but maybe just started a bit later in the game than most of us were able to and might have some catch up to do.
Best of luck to you!
You don't like kids? My God pheonix, don't think for one minute that this little boy, as smart as you say he is, can't pick up on this feeling you have.
He may only be 8, and mature for his age, but he still needs guidance and nurturing.
Why did you even marry the dad if you had such disdain for children? I just don't get it.
I'm not trying to jump on you, but I just feel so bad for this child.
It's hard to explain. First you guys don't know how old I am. I have been with his father since I was a teen, we are 7 years together and I love his dad with all my heart. His ex-wife got pregnant to try and trap him into marriage he was only 19. so he had the child really young, and when I met him the mother had already kidnapped the kid.
To be honest I was really excited to be a "mother" but over time I was told by my husband that I would make a horrid mother and that is why I had so many miscarriages. (I don't know how many women would not be able to walk away from that, not being a little bitter) I will admit that I am bitter and heart broken. My husband has since appologized but it doesn't take it go away.
I have realized that my children are my cats. I have two that I rescued at birth that i had to bottle feed. The love I have for them would I guess mimic the love a mother has. I don't know.
His kid does pick up on the fact that I just don't have the patience to parent. I am never mean to him.
He does have stability from both his parents. His mother gives all the love in the world and his father has the man tough love thing going. SO what am I? the financial support. Neither of his parents work.... I pay for everything and get nothing in return. I ask you... have any of you ever done this when you were younger than 25?
I don't care if I am judged and I do like to take everyones advice. But how am I supposed to get a warm and fuzzy feeling for something that I was told not to... I view the kid as a money pit that I am trying to love. I really am. I just don't have it.
PHoenix. This explains a lot...and as I said before, I do not think you're a bad person at all. Your thoughtful, non dfenesive responses just go to show that you are a mature and caring person even more than I suspected. I'm going to write more later b/c my daughter has a dr appointment now and I have ot go get her out of school.
But, as for the miscarriages...I had five...so I do empathize there too..on many levels. Guess what I just found out YESTERDAY...I have a genetic blood clotting defect and one of the symptoms is multiple miscarriages. Too late for me to go back...and I love the three I have anyway...but you sound young and maybe you can research this for yourself.
But first, I would love to hear that you are getting some counseling for all of these bad things that have piled up in your young life and clearly have you overwhelmed and doubting your own worth and goodness, and capacity to love on many levels. Until you have these issues resolved, I agree with you that it would be cruel to even try to bring another child into it.
You sound more wounded than broken to me. And wounded can be healed. I think you have a real shot, Phoenix.
I'll write more to you later...
Mom
I adore you. You are one of the kindest posters on this blog.
Pheonix
I feel so sorry for you. How could a husband say such horrible things? I know you say you forgive him, but personally.. I think I would be so hurt that I could never forgive him if he were my husband.
I wonder if he should be the one to blame for your inability to be warm and loving to this child? Your husband sounds like more of a thorn in your side than your step-son. I don't know how you do it, but please remember, this kid didn't do anything but be born.
I think he was so angry that I was pregnant and didn't want to have kids because of what his ex did to him. He was scared and that was his only way of expressing it. That is why I understand, he wasn't doing it to be mean, but maybe to protect himself in his head. I don't judge him... it was in the past. He gives me all that I need and that is support and understanding. I mean in November I will finally have my BA and starting my Masters in January. So he is very suppoortive where i need him. But in my own mind, I will never get over it. It really hurt.
I'm sorry phoenix, but how is your husband supportive? He doesn't work. What, does he offer a few words of encouragement once in awhile? Because that's the least he can do. Your going to school, working, taking care of everything at home, and trying to raise a child you really don't like. I'd say you deserve a medal, except I feel too bad for the kid to give you one. But either way, I still think you deserve better than him.
Why is it may fault that you feel bad for the kid? When I try the best that I can? I love as much as I'm able? Should I leave so the child will feel more loved when he's on the streets?
I didn't say it was your fault I felt bad for the kid. I'm sure you are doing the best you can.
And I honestly don't know what would be best for the kid, if you were to leave. Wouldn't his mom take him? I certainly don't think his dad should. I can only imagine how "strict" he really is, if he treated you the way he did in the past, and that's going on what you say. Leopards rarely change their spots, so I would bet he isn't always so nice to you now.
I still say you deserve better.
I can really tell that, minus your feelings for this child (which I will painfully admit, you are allowed to have)- you seem like a really decent, hardworking individual.
Let me ask you this- why can't this man work, and support his family? I would feel resentful, if I were you. Maybe you wouldn't be calling this poor kid a "money pit" if dad would just get a damn job.
Dad. Isn't educated in a world that needs degrees. He can't do manual labor because he had an accident about a year before I knew him and the doctor does state that he can't do the work he is trained to do. He has picked up minor jobs here and there, but he is the one that cleans the house and cooks for us.
So the roles have been swapped, he is a stay at home dad while I am the bread winner.
He isn't strict with his son. I feel that the kid should be punished for things that his dad let him get away with.
For example: his son lied about his homework and said he didn't have any (for like 6 months) The teacher finally called us in and asked what was going on. We had no idea. He would only do one subject for homework (so we didn't get too suspicious) and play on this XBox 360. I wanted to take away his XBox until he was all caught up on his homework. but dad thought that would be a punishment! Well duh!!!
Little things like that. When I enter my two cents on how to raise a child properly i am always shot down and called stupid because I don't actually know what being a parent is.
i am not stupid I am the eldest in a family of tiny children and they all love and repect me. I know how to raise kids. My step-sons parents are failing to teach him responsibility for his actions and when I try to help, i am not allowed to. It is very frustrating. So I stopped trying.
mom can't take him - she is illegal in this country and doesn't have a job.
Although since my step-son got caught for lying about his homework he doesn't doesn't try to lie about that kind of stuff. He is honest in that he does all of his school work first and then plays on this XBox.
So maybe dad was right. Maybe the kid learned a lesson? Maybe my way would have been to harsh? but that's what my mom would've done.
gosh, phoenix. i know i've criticised you in the past, but your posts explain a lot. what your husband said to you about the miscarriages was unforgiveably mean, imo, and i cannot believe you're the only one in the family working AND going to school. i know you said you love your husband, but he is showing you neither love nor respect. no wonder your resent the child.
personally, i do not believe that a person should marry someone with a child and not be prepared to love the child as their own. i feel that one of you should have recognized this prior to marriage. none of this is the boy's fault. i also have an unusually mature 8 year old boy. he still sometimes wakes up crying in the night. he still crawls in to bed to snuggle in the morning. he can be very childlike when his guard is down. i would not leave him alone at night. he has an older sister so it's never been an issue. would your son wake up and know how to get out of the house if it was on fire? would he know what to do if someone was breaking in in the night?
Lindalou
How refreshing. What an awesome post!
When we got married I was indeed ready to love the child as my own, and everyone was on board with it. But for some reason over the years people changed, and told me my role was different. I was the one who found him to begin with. In a way I gave the child back to his father. But over the years I was told that he already has a mom, and that I was not needed in the emotional area. He is not stupid and I have taught him all that I can.
I have been criticized before so this is nothing new to me. I don't feel like anything to the kid really. All important decisions are made based on the parents, but I am the one who gets affected. If they decide to put the kid in sports, I have to pay and take him to the practice and make sure he get's there on time, whether my schedule permits it or not.
Is it bad to feel this way? To feel like the children I should have had were not as important as his son that is already alive. My children would have been just as special but I guess I will never know.
omg, of course your children will be just as special! you just need to find someone lovely to have them with!
Lindalou
I know you can be a tough cookie, and I don't always agree with you, but you really have my attention in this thread. My God, but please give phoenix a good talking to like only you know how! I haven't the words .... I just feel so bad for her! I feel like she's being mistreated.
Somebody please help her.
It sounds like your husband is getting a free ride. No one wonder why he stays. He doesn't have to work. Because you support him. His son is in school all day. Why can't he work at Starbuck 7am-3pm and then be home with his son. Look at all the working moms that do this everyday!
Phoenix,
I haven't forgotten you but have been away all day. I have been thinking about you and have so much to say. But I am going to wait until tomorrow so that I can have a very clear and untired head because this is a serious matter.
As you can see, people do understand why you feel as you do and have much concern for you.
Lindalou, you are an angel. And everybody else, thank you for not heaping judgment on Phoenix. She's been sweet enough to be honest with us...which leaves a person very vulnerable. Thank you for respecting her honesty and seeing that she is a person with reasons why she feels as she does.
Truthfully Phoenix, I am now as distressed and concerned on your behalf as much as I am for your step child. I think you are both victims here...and I hope you are willing to listen to some opinions here, even if we are strangers on the internet (which I would ordinarily not advise.) I have a son not terribly much younger than you
(22)..and yet I am not so old (46)that I don't remember feeling as you do with regard to certain things you have mentioned... so hopefully you will allow me to offer you some motherly type advice...the same as I would offer my own child...which, if you have been here long, you ought to realize, when it has to do with my kids, comes straight from my heart.
OK, goodnight. Tomorrow I will be better suited to speak to you about such important things.
Phoenix,
I'm sorry you've had a rough time, I support you and send you good karma. It sounds like you have had to be very strong in order to survive emotionally. I know what that's like.
I read this thread, and maybe I just need to go to bed, but it is making me very depressed and I guess the only thing I can say is a quote from a fellow fan fiction writer who is just a young girl but what she said the other day really struck a chord in me. She said, regarding women, and girls:
"Most of us are not princesses, we are warriors." I thought it was very profound. It's true. We are warriors and we have got to be to survive.
Peace to the lovers and the haters.
Goodnight isyn, see you tomorrow.
I think Mom is so right with her comments. I especially like "this boy is a lot younger on the inside than his very mature behavior suggests on the outside....and probably needs a lot of tender loving affection and somebody to do some of the things for him, or with him, that he is now doing for himself. Not because he can't manage on his own....but because having a parent . . . "
Phoenix, this small boy is mature for his age and a large contributing factor to his being so mature is the fact that he picks up on your feelings and attitudes. He wants to please you and he desperately wants your love. He knows what you've already told us earlier on, that you don't feel maternal, don't like kids, and that kind of thing, and knowing this helps make him who he is. I am not blaming you for doing something wrong with these observations. I am instead pointing out how much he is dependent upon you, how much he needs you and wants your deep love and approval. He wants to be something that pleases you, that you love.
I'm sorry to hear how hard things have been and how unfair too. I hope you can somehow reach out to your young son and really connect with him. It can only benefit both of you to have a very close and loving relationship. 8 is very very young. He needs tenderness, as well as the very reliable stability that you have so nicely provided for him.
I hope sometime you can perhaps initiate some physical closeness with him, and perhaps this will lead to emotional closeness as well. Just spending time alone with him doing something fun, or doing something he is particularly interested in (say, the Clone Wars movie for example, a special day for just the two of you) will be a great start.
It sounds to me like this young boy is very much alone in so many ways, and so are you. There is so much potential for growth, harmony, and intimacy. I hope that you can make this happen because it will enrich both your lives together.
All best wishes to you.
I'll put it bluntly Phoenix: Why the hell are you sticking with this louse?
A spouse who calls you "stupid" and says mean nasty rotten harsh things to make you feel guilty and bitter and hurt about your medical problems and emotional needs is NOT "supportive" in ANY way. They are an a**hole who deserves to remain lonely and reap the sh*t that they've sown upon themselves.
This guy you are married to COULD get himself a PT job to help pull his weight. He COULD go to some community college classes to better his education. The LEAST he could do is treat you as his beloved WIFE, not his money supplier/doormat/chaufeur/nanny/whipping boy/kicking dog. It sounds like he does absolutely NOTHING for you, and you do everything for him, his ex, and his son. They are all 3 lucky to have you in their lives.
yup. i hate to hear stories about spouses not being treasured. it's the most important relationship in your life and there is just no excuse for any sort of mistreatment, be it emotional or physical.
Phoenix, you do not deserve to be treated like a doormat by these people. at minimum, i hope you will get some therapy for yourself so you can understand why you believe this relationship is all you deserve.
Damn skippy calimom! And I hope phoenix hears you loud and clear!
How truly sad.
Phoenix
Children are not stupid, and I suspect that your 8-year-old stepson has a sense of what kind of a person you are. It is hard to judge the situation. What your husband told you about the miscarriages was completely shocking, I hate to say things like this but men can sound so mean because they are really so dumb sometimes. I am also concerned that you are the sole financial provider for the entire family. It seems completely wrong that you are paying for the child, taking him to activities
(why isn't his father taking him if he does not work?) and not allowed to have your say in his education.
There is of course no reason why you could not be a good mother. You even seem to want to do the right thing for your stepson, which is more than
some moms who gush about their own babies are willing to do for their stepchildren.
I think you need to find out what you really want for yourself from your life. Right now it sounds like you are taking care of everybody's life but your own.
Well i have been doing some sole searching some.
The odd thing is that since we moved out of our old house and into this new one, i havn't gotten yelled at. Which was shocking considering I've done things that have upset them in the past. Like forgetting something at the store or what not. He has even started to line up some jobs for himself.
Not too long ago I almost left the relationship, he said that i looked different in my eyes. Maybe that made him start thinking how he treats me. He hasn't asked for anything new lately, and regarding his child I felt something strange. THis time when he said good bye, I love you. i felt warm inside.
Is this myself finally trying to feel something for this child. I know he didn't do anything wrong. i only once - one time told him I was proud of him after I saw him sing at his play.
I am hoping that things are going to start getting better. I am so tired all the time, and frustrated, and stressed. I think my husband has good intentions and if he truelly didn't love me, he would leave. he is that type of guy. I will wait and wait like I've always have.
It was so strange though it was like an immediate change in him when we moved. He became understanding (not so much more helpful) but at least he's giving some sort of effort.
Ha Ha Ha I spelled soul as sole... how freakin dumb of me!
Although this is the last thing that I am going to post about myself online. I don't want to get in trouble
I started staying home alone at 9 for less than an hour and then in middle school (11) i walked home from the bus stop to an empty house and began baby sitting for neighbors. At 11.5 i began sitting for a family of 4 girls age 8,6,14mo. and 1mo. for 3-4 hours at a time. 12 baby-sat outside of family friends. then at 14 i started sitting overnights. My sister however at age 10 is not ready to be home alone, it all depends on the kid.
phoenix
Why would he leave when he's got it so good? Why can't you see that? You do for him and you do for his son - so that he doesn't have to. Of course he's not going anywhere! I also notice you put yourself down a lot. Over simple mistakes, or grammatical errors, you call yourself dumb. I would bet that's something your husband has called you before.
I am so happy to hear that you had a fuzzy moment with your step-son today... no matter how fleeting. That gives those of us that are rooting for you some hope!
I have to agree. Why should he worry too much about love when he's got someone providing him with everything he needs and nothing is required of him in return? Does his lack of education prevent him from driving his son around? Or participating in the activities he has dictated his son pursue?
You support him financially, follow his orders regarding his child and carry out all the actual duties associated with childcare, and presumably service him sexually on demand, and he insults you and makes MORE demands but you are happy to "wait" for him to decide he's ready to treat you with some resect? (Not love, that would be expecting too much of him.) Your life and your choices are your own, but I hope you will stand up for yourself soon and start getting what you DESERVE out of marriage.
And did I understand correctly that you are also supporting his ex-wife? WTF?? Let her solve her own problems. If she's illegal, she can folow the necessary steps to get legal. Or she can go home.
Phoenix - I think you have been trying to feel for this child all along, but you do not seem to be getting much help from anyone. You say that your husband would leave you if he did not truly love you. What about your own feelings? I cannot tell you what you should do, because every situation is unique, but it seems like you have a lot on your shoulders and you will not be able to carry the weight forever. You have to think about yourself, about what is good for you, about what makes you feel comfortable. I think if you could get some counseling (maybe through school services?) you might find it helpful.
In any caseI I am really happy that you are going to school and getting as much education as you can.
This is really smart. I wish you all the best.
Phoenix, I am so happy to hear about things seemingly going better now. I hope this upswing continues. I hope you and your stepson can bring more joy to your relationship. Good luck with everything!
Phoenix,
I have been incredibly busy since I last wrote, but have been thinking about you. I see that a lot of other posters share many of my opinions, as well as my concern for you.
Without going back and reading everything again, I am going to say that I think you are about 24 years old, and your husband is around 28? You are almost a kid yourself...with your whole life ahead of you!!!Your husband was hurt at age 20 and can no longer perform his "chosen profession," so he chooses not to work at all? May I ask what kind of chosen profession he is (oops, WAS) in that required so much education and sacrifice (by the age of 20, mind you)that he is completely unwilling to relinquish the dream of being...whatever it is? Because, to me this sounds like a crock of s@@@ that he is somehow managing to pull over on you. There is always some type of job that can be done by a person with almost any sort of disability...if they are WILLING TO WORK. The trouble is, so many people are looking to take the easy way out and let somebody else support them. In your husband's case, it sounds like you...and probably the government as well, are doing that quite nicely.
Why wouldn't he leave? Really? WHY WOULD HE?! If he did, he would have to get a job to keep himself, his child (and possibly the child's mother) in the style to which you have made them accustomed. He would have to resort to taking care of his own child and arranging/driving him to his activities. (But who are we kidding? The child would probably simply be withdrawn from any activities that involved daddio getting up off of hs rump to take him there.)
But enough of my disdain for your emotionally abusive, slug of a husband and his freeloading baby mama...for now.
I am incredibly happy to hear that you are well educated, and planning to become even more so! A great deal of my thought on your behalf had centered on how you might take care of yourself if you were to get away from this louse, who is making you so dead inside that you can hardly even feel anymore. We know that you are both intelligent and very self sufficient (which was sort of obvious by the fact that you are supporting all of these people at such a young age anyway.)
And the other thing that had me concerned was what kind of an emotional support system you might have outside of this creep...because often such abusers try to isolate their victims by convincing them that their outside family/friends are bad, and that only they (the abuser) really love them. (This keeps the victim close and afraid to leave even when they know somethiign is wrong and feel so bad that they can hardly stand another moment sometimes. The fear of having nobody is even greater than the reality of daily emotional abuse.) Eventually the victim just turns off their emotions and plods along day to day like a drone...doing what they need to do, but turning off all feelings, because it would HURT TOO MUCH to actually feel the feelings that belong with being treated like that. But you mention having a large family, with many young siblings. I'll bet your parents are sick about your current living situation...am I right? And I'll bet they could find a bit of room to welcome you back home and give you some emotional support for a while...kind of fill you back up with all that has been taken from you emotionally and send you back out into the world strong and confident...like a little bird that had a briken wing, was nursed lovingly back to health, and released to fly again, as it was intended to do in the first place...free and happy to become what God intende for it to be. I am thinking that your parents must be some pretty decent people, because they raised you to be a strong girl with some obviously good values. Am I right? And, as I said, I'll bet they are sick with worry about you...as the rest of us who don't even know you are.
I know that you can love, as you have mentioned loving cats and your siblings. As I said before, I think you are probably just so numb inside that you don't even realize it. You may also be depressed, which further dulls the senses and robs you of the will and strength to make any big moves. IN other words, depression itself keeps people from being able to seek help for the depression. What a vicious cycle it is! As I was thinking of you these past several days, I was trying to figure an affordable way for you to get some counseling or psychological intervention. Again, your being a student is the key. There will be somebody at your college that will be more than happy to meet with you. If it's not free, they will make it very affordable. If you go (and I hope you will), please be perfectly honest with him or her. This could be your rescuer. Don't pretend you have hold of a rope, when you know there's no knot at the end of that rope to keep you from cascading down the cliff. Oh, and if you go, don't tell your husband about it. Just go. Otherwise he'll just ratchet up the nice another notch and convince you that you don't need to go.(Because that's exactly what they do when they sense they are losing control..try to beat you down emotionally first, and if that doesn't work, they'll go the other direction and be just as nice as they need to to keep you thinking there is something better just around the corner...that what you need from him emotionally is just about to be dispensed...finally...if you'll only hold out just a little longer. And why would you want to give up on all the time you have already waited for him to truly love/respect you when it is FINALLY so close? Sound familiar? But it's a lie! Whatever he needs to do to keep you...AND NO MORE...is what you will get...ALWAYS and FOREVER) Anybody who has lived a decade or so longer than you has seen this time and time and time again, and will tell you exactly the same thing. You are in a dead end, emotionally abusive relationship...and being used to boot.
Another thing regarding your feelings for this child. You have essentially been told not to love him... that he is not yours, never will be, and that you are to butt out (OH, I forgot...except you get to pay for everything for him, and his lazy, deadbeat, mooching parents.) Now, please consider this carefully. If your husband truly loved you...I mean, if you were the love of his life and he intended to be with you for the next 70 years that you both may well live....WHY would he flat out shut you out of the other most important relationship in his life? Wouldn't he want to have his two most cherished people love one another, and form a close, loving family with you both? As it is, he has declared that he loves this child, but that you are not, and never will be a family with them. You, dear, have been shut out of this family...and not just subliminally...he has told you flat out. And yet it sounds like he operates as a family unit with the mother of this child....which I find troubling. Are you supporting this illegal alien woman too? Because I would be seriously conerrned about his feelings for her versus you if he is willing to allow you to be so used and demeaned on her behalf.
And the comments about you not being a good mother...especially surrounding the events of miscarriages...are so far beyond cruel and abusive that I can harldy believe any human being could even utter them...seriously. And there is no acceptable excuse...none...NONE. SO what if he was "scared" (which I think is a load of bullhooey anyway!) If you LOVE a person, it means that you have enough compassion to know that when they are in the midst of a great sorrow (and really this applies every single day...not just in times of stress and sorrow) you do not unload your hateful shit on them to make yourself feel better. If you LOVE them, your concern for thier feelings should be AT LEAST as much as you have for your own. His behavior was nothing short of hateful, abusive and selfish. Don't make excuses for him or feel sorry for him because he may have been scared, or whatever, because his kid had been taken to Mexico. It actually sounds like he uses this kid a lot...for ways to hurt you, for ways to get money out of you, and as an excuse for his bad behavior. I'll tell you what. Most dads who had a child taken away and were that heartbroken about it would be leaping for joy to have him back. So much so that he might actually want to TAKE THE CHILD TO ACTIVITIES HIMSELF, comfort him whe he is hurt, not leave him alone at night at the age of 8...and, here's a novel idea...actually get a damn job and support the chld he claims to love so much. Really, it sounds to me that this child is more of an inconvenence than anything to him....except that he comes in handy when needing to manipulate or hurt you. Do you realize that most (real) men would be completely ASHAMED to lay around on their butts all day not support thier families? A counselor once told me that one of most men's biggest fears is having something happen to prevent them from adequately supporting their families? It's built into men. Something is very wrong with yours. He sounds like he is missing his man chip.
Please do not waste several more of your prime youthful years clinging to this sick and unhealthy situation. I can pretty much see where this is headed anyway. Either
1) AS you become even more and more educated you will find yourself in the company of more and more hard working people with good morals, a decent work ethic and who know how to treat women, and people in general. The contrast between them and your husband will eventually become too much for you to ignore and you will finally leave him for somebody who treats you the way you deserve...somebody who is willing to cherish you the way you deserve and work side by sde to build a life and a family WITH you... instead of layaing on his butt like your current mistake of a husband and letting you support his family without letting you actually be a member of it. Just don't let your youth, and ability to have children, pass while you gather the courage to get here. Because I have the feeling that you do actually love and want children...and that you could be the sweetest of mommies once you get away from this creep who has put these cruel and unfair labels on you. (Do you even realize that there is a psychological phenomenon where a person comes to believe, wholeheartedly, the lies their abuser tells them about themselves over time? I think this is what happened to you.)
2) He will eventually get bored and find somebody else. Because, make no mistake, a person who treats you like this does not see the true value in YOU...the special and unique person that YOU, PHOENIX are. And when he can't see that, he can't see why he needs you above every other woman on the planet. If you want to test this out, just make things a lot more inconvienent for him. Stop giving him everything you have to give and getting nothing in return. See how much this realtionship would be "worth it" to him if he had to put in the kind of work, effort and sacrifice that you do...every single day. But I think you already know the answer to that, don't you? Do you find yourself scrambling around trying to make everything just right so he won't yell at you? Do you imagine he would do this for you? What would happen if you treated him, talked to him, the way he does to you? Would it be worth it to him? People don't risk losing people and relationships that are very valuable to them. They don't. They REALLY DON'T. Listen to what the way he treats you and talks to you is telling you.
3) YOu will stay with him for a lifetime and let him leep your world so small that you don't see what it is like "On the outside" for other people in mature, loving relationships. You will become more and more isolated and fearful of breaking away and being on your own. You may come to feel that he is the only person who will ever love you. Your ability to love and feel feelings will grow dimmer and dimmer until you are a gray, unfeeling ghost... and your opportunity to be a young, vibrant, happy, loving woman, full of life, with a husband who adores you and children who you love and dote on with a depth of maternal instinct that you never knew you posessed will be dried up and gone forever. Please don't let this last one be your choice. Please!
Phoenix, please give yourself a real chance at life...and LOVE. I wish I could come to wherever you are and give you a big hug and somehow help you understand everythign I am trying to tell you.
If you were my daughter this is what I would pray for you every single day. And yet I know young people need to make thier own mistakes for themselves...I know I did, plenty of times. But I will tell oyu this. When I was younger and thought I had the world by the tail and everything in control, I thought my parents were out of touch and completely lacking in any sort of knowledge about the real world. Now that I am in my 40s, I realize that that wasn't true. I still feel liek the same person I did way back when...and I remember even my teen years like they were yesterday. The only thing that keeps reminding me that I am a "grown up" is the pack of high school age children parading around my home. But what I do have now that I did not back then is two decades worth of experiences...my own and having witnessed those of so many friends, colleagues and acquaintances...that I am able to draw some pretty realistic and likely conclusions to some fairly typical sitations (unfortunatley, yours is not as rare as it ought to be)...which is where I got the three scenarios I wrote above. I can tell you that these marriages almost never work long term...and the women involved usually espress the same regret...having waited so long to finally FEEL GOOD.
One more thing for Phoenix to consider: I recently talked with a mom who had just had a miscarriage and she said that according to her doctor, one in 4 pregnancies miscarry. So for your "husband" to take the attitude and try to convince you of it as well, that you are not "fit" or not "meant" to ever be a mother because you had a mjiscarriage is not only IGNORANT, but hateful, vile, vicious, mean and absolutely ABUSIVE. Mom is right, there is NO EXCUSE for it. None. Derail that gravy train!
One more thing to add, there would be nothing negative or shameful about him being a SAHD and you being the family breadwinner *IF* he were doing the job, which would mean taking his son to the sports activities he had chosen for him, running the household so you are free to work and go to school, being a loving and supportive spouse within the family unit, etc. But he does none of that. He mooches and abuses, and it's shameful.
"I spelled soul as sole, how freakin dumb of me!" Actually it's not dumb of you, it's a minor mistake...but for you to call yourself dumb like that means he's gotten inside your head....I think he's affected your self esteem.....stop making excuses for him. You deserve better.
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