Sunday, September 7, 2008
Many women and children suffer from different types of abuse. Of course physical abuse is more easily proven than emotional abuse, but emotional abuse is just as damaging. When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, your child is more likely to grow to become anxious, detatched and unhealthy mentally. I don't want this to happen to anyone because I know first hand how horrible it can be. When you are in an abusive relationhip, it is a struggle to live life on a day to day basis. Most of the time, we keep it so well hidden that nobody, not even our family knows about it because the person who is hurting us has alienated us from those who truly love us and care for us. I don't want this for my child, and I know nobody here wants it for theirs or others.
Please, if you are being physically abused, read these articles and get help. If you are being emotionally abused, recogize the fact that it is just as harmful as the physical side: even more so in some cases because emotional abuse occurs over a long period of time.
I have been living for a long time in this situation myself and I am finally trying to put a stop to it. It is hard because you want to succeed in your marriage and in holding your family together. But a family that is living with an abusive situation will never thrive. If you know of someone who is living in an abusive situation, please talk to them and encourage them to be strong and to get help. Nobody should have to live like this.
http://www.kalimunro.com/article_emotional_abuse.html
http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/kids.htm
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
15 comments:
OP
You are in our thoughts and we wish you the best.
Stay Safe...
xo
Abuse seem to happen in workplace too. Feel sad such abuse are happening to little children and women.
What a great post. There is also lots of help in the community. Check the yellow pages for a local domestic violence advocate.
Hang in there hun. I have been reading this blog for sometime and have not wanted to respond until now. I had 2 really abusive marriages and three children, it wasn't until I left that I knew how strong I really was and still am. I took time for me and my kids, and it was 10 years later that I found a wonderful man (whom I was not looking for) and we have been married 8 years. That's longer than I thought any man could be. You're going to make it and I know exactly how you feel! Scared and worried, however, you MUST move those out of the way before you can leave and NOT go back!!!
Keep going and one other thought, keep humor in your life, trust me, you'll be surprised how well you can handle stress with humor! Good Luck and I'll say prayers for you.
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to make it for the sake of my child. Everything is crazy now, and I am relying on my family and my lawyer to keep me focused. But also relying on the knowledge that I deserve better, that I deserve to have peace in my life and so does my child: I know now that I should not have to deal with meanness, anger and violence on a daily basis.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I do appreciate them. I just wanted to write here because I know other people must be going through the same thing, and staying together for the sake of the marriage and the kids, but it is not a good place to be if there is controlling behavior and abuse, either mental or physical.
I think I know who wrote this. I'm sorry for your pain. I too am a victim of verbal abuse. It's so hard to deal with. I'm going to start seeing a counselor soon to help us.
Goodluck
Well done on taking the first steps to put an end to this torment for you and your child. There is no excuse for any kind of abuse. What a courageous woman you are! Hang in there.
OP
I know it must've taken a lot of strength to write this. I too, am a victim of abuse. I am still in the relationship and feel so stuck. Thankfully, I am the only one to take the brunt of the abuse. Although the kids see a mom that isn't happy anymore and I know that affects them. He's great to them, but I can't help feeling that sometimes he hates me.
I never know what'll set him off, so I mainly keep to myself and the children. I know I should leave, but I have no where to go. And part of me feels that as long as he is so good to the kids, really, what does it matter anyway.
OP, Bless you.
Keep Strong...and congratulations on having the strength and courage to stand up for yourself and your child.
See how many people here already can realte? This is not so uncommon and women don't need to be afraid or ashamed.
Phoenix,
I hope you are reading this thread.
And I finally wrote you a novel on the other thread about what age to leave kids home alone.
I've been thinking of you every day.
My heart goes out to anyone in this situation. I have several friends who are stuck in abusive marriages and they feel they can never escape it, so they just deal with it. I've lost friends who were in this situation, friends who lost touch with reality because of it. I wish there was more we could do to help.
I was in an abusive relationship for 16 years. It took me 5 years of counseling to work my way out. I was lucky enough to have the support of a Women's Center. I have been divorced 12 years and I am much better off and although it has been hard on my sons who are now 21 and 24, they realize that it is better not to live with their abusive and mentally ill father. He has been on disability for years, he has a long rap sheet and many hospitalizations. He has abused all of us, stolen my sons' social security numbers and wrecked their credit. He continues to call constantly and try to get money out of us which we don't have. But now we don't answer the phone and we can hang up. I used to love him. He kept me for years by threatening suicide but all the love left. I was constantly depressed but I have really done o.k. for myself and my sons have turned into 2 kind, compassionate young men. It's scary but you can do it! The more emotional support you have- the better. Good for you for reaching out for help!
To anyone in this situation, there IS hope, and you ARE worth so much more than how you are being WRONGFULLY treated.
Don't be afraid to leave this horrible situation (it is better off not only for yourself, BUT also your children....if you don't want to take my word for it, please research this topic, it's been proven scientifically.) AND ladies, please, even if your husband is nice to your kids, it will still do psychological damage to them to see him abusing you, and to see you in such a miserable situation. I can't tell you in a enough ways how much damage you are doing not only to yourself, but also your children! This is not being stated in order to make you feel guilty (this situation is NOT your fault, and you have done NOTHING wrong) this is for you to hopefully find a little bit of strength and courage to leave the situation you are in. If you don't have the strength to leave for yourself, please leave for your child(ren).
Get help, get out...life can be so very much better. We ALL deserve happiness. Please attempt to even imagine a life without this pain...now go get that life, you CAN do it. There are shelters, programs, helplines, therapists etc just waiting to help you start your life over...it can be better!
I wish you all the best of luck, and please remember you are worth so much more. You deserve respect, love, compassion, happiness, and a spouse/boyfriend/lover that treats you as an EQUAL. You have done nothing wrong, and whether the abuse you are experiencing is verbal/mental, physical, or both, you have the right as a human being to be treated AS a human being-rather than an animal, and a right to leave the horrible relationship you are in. Do NOT justify your abusers actions, and never forget it is them with the problem, not you.
I may be a stranger to you all, but I care...never forget someone cares about you.
You will all be in my thoughts and prayers....
Amnesia
(Formerly abused, and now empowered.)
Phoenix, The thread this was on is all but dead. Wanted to make sure you see it...
mom said...
Phoenix,
I have been incredibly busy since I last wrote, but have been thinking about you. I see that a lot of other posters share many of my opinions, as well as my concern for you.
Without going back and reading everything again, I am going to say that I think you are about 24 years old, and your husband is around 28? You are almost a kid yourself...with your whole life ahead of you!!!Your husband was hurt at age 20 and can no longer perform his "chosen profession," so he chooses not to work at all? May I ask what kind of chosen profession he is (oops, WAS) in that required so much education and sacrifice (by the age of 20, mind you)that he is completely unwilling to relinquish the dream of being...whatever it is? Because, to me this sounds like a crock of s@@@ that he is somehow managing to pull over on you. There is always some type of job that can be done by a person with almost any sort of disability...if they are WILLING TO WORK. The trouble is, so many people are looking to take the easy way out and let somebody else support them. In your husband's case, it sounds like you...and probably the government as well, are doing that quite nicely.
Why wouldn't he leave? Really? WHY WOULD HE?! If he did, he would have to get a job to keep himself, his child (and possibly the child's mother) in the style to which you have made them accustomed. He would have to resort to taking care of his own child and arranging/driving him to his activities. (But who are we kidding? The child would probably simply be withdrawn from any activities that involved daddio getting up off of hs rump to take him there.)
But enough of my disdain for your emotionally abusive, slug of a husband and his freeloading baby mama...for now.
I am incredibly happy to hear that you are well educated, and planning to become even more so! A great deal of my thought on your behalf had centered on how you might take care of yourself if you were to get away from this louse, who is making you so dead inside that you can hardly even feel anymore. We know that you are both intelligent and very self sufficient (which was sort of obvious by the fact that you are supporting all of these people at such a young age anyway.)
And the other thing that had me concerned was what kind of an emotional support system you might have outside of this creep...because often such abusers try to isolate their victims by convincing them that their outside family/friends are bad, and that only they (the abuser) really love them. (This keeps the victim close and afraid to leave even when they know somethiign is wrong and feel so bad that they can hardly stand another moment sometimes. The fear of having nobody is even greater than the reality of daily emotional abuse.) Eventually the victim just turns off their emotions and plods along day to day like a drone...doing what they need to do, but turning off all feelings, because it would HURT TOO MUCH to actually feel the feelings that belong with being treated like that. But you mention having a large family, with many young siblings. I'll bet your parents are sick about your current living situation...am I right? And I'll bet they could find a bit of room to welcome you back home and give you some emotional support for a while...kind of fill you back up with all that has been taken from you emotionally and send you back out into the world strong and confident...like a little bird that had a briken wing, was nursed lovingly back to health, and released to fly again, as it was intended to do in the first place...free and happy to become what God intende for it to be. I am thinking that your parents must be some pretty decent people, because they raised you to be a strong girl with some obviously good values. Am I right? And, as I said, I'll bet they are sick with worry about you...as the rest of us who don't even know you are.
I know that you can love, as you have mentioned loving cats and your siblings. As I said before, I think you are probably just so numb inside that you don't even realize it. You may also be depressed, which further dulls the senses and robs you of the will and strength to make any big moves. IN other words, depression itself keeps people from being able to seek help for the depression. What a vicious cycle it is! As I was thinking of you these past several days, I was trying to figure an affordable way for you to get some counseling or psychological intervention. Again, your being a student is the key. There will be somebody at your college that will be more than happy to meet with you. If it's not free, they will make it very affordable. If you go (and I hope you will), please be perfectly honest with him or her. This could be your rescuer. Don't pretend you have hold of a rope, when you know there's no knot at the end of that rope to keep you from cascading down the cliff. Oh, and if you go, don't tell your husband about it. Just go. Otherwise he'll just ratchet up the nice another notch and convince you that you don't need to go.(Because that's exactly what they do when they sense they are losing control..try to beat you down emotionally first, and if that doesn't work, they'll go the other direction and be just as nice as they need to to keep you thinking there is something better just around the corner...that what you need from him emotionally is just about to be dispensed...finally...if you'll only hold out just a little longer. And why would you want to give up on all the time you have already waited for him to truly love/respect you when it is FINALLY so close? Sound familiar? But it's a lie! Whatever he needs to do to keep you...AND NO MORE...is what you will get...ALWAYS and FOREVER) Anybody who has lived a decade or so longer than you has seen this time and time and time again, and will tell you exactly the same thing. You are in a dead end, emotionally abusive relationship...and being used to boot.
Another thing regarding your feelings for this child. You have essentially been told not to love him... that he is not yours, never will be, and that you are to butt out (OH, I forgot...except you get to pay for everything for him, and his lazy, deadbeat, mooching parents.) Now, please consider this carefully. If your husband truly loved you...I mean, if you were the love of his life and he intended to be with you for the next 70 years that you both may well live....WHY would he flat out shut you out of the other most important relationship in his life? Wouldn't he want to have his two most cherished people love one another, and form a close, loving family with you both? As it is, he has declared that he loves this child, but that you are not, and never will be a family with them. You, dear, have been shut out of this family...and not just subliminally...he has told you flat out. And yet it sounds like he operates as a family unit with the mother of this child....which I find troubling. Are you supporting this illegal alien woman too? Because I would be seriously conerrned about his feelings for her versus you if he is willing to allow you to be so used and demeaned on her behalf.
And the comments about you not being a good mother...especially surrounding the events of miscarriages...are so far beyond cruel and abusive that I can harldy believe any human being could even utter them...seriously. And there is no acceptable excuse...none...NONE. SO what if he was "scared" (which I think is a load of bullhooey anyway!) If you LOVE a person, it means that you have enough compassion to know that when they are in the midst of a great sorrow (and really this applies every single day...not just in times of stress and sorrow) you do not unload your hateful shit on them to make yourself feel better. If you LOVE them, your concern for thier feelings should be AT LEAST as much as you have for your own. His behavior was nothing short of hateful, abusive and selfish. Don't make excuses for him or feel sorry for him because he may have been scared, or whatever, because his kid had been taken to Mexico. It actually sounds like he uses this kid a lot...for ways to hurt you, for ways to get money out of you, and as an excuse for his bad behavior. I'll tell you what. Most dads who had a child taken away and were that heartbroken about it would be leaping for joy to have him back. So much so that he might actually want to TAKE THE CHILD TO ACTIVITIES HIMSELF, comfort him whe he is hurt, not leave him alone at night at the age of 8...and, here's a novel idea...actually get a damn job and support the chld he claims to love so much. Really, it sounds to me that this child is more of an inconvenence than anything to him....except that he comes in handy when needing to manipulate or hurt you. Do you realize that most (real) men would be completely ASHAMED to lay around on their butts all day not support thier families? A counselor once told me that one of most men's biggest fears is having something happen to prevent them from adequately supporting their families? It's built into men. Something is very wrong with yours. He sounds like he is missing his man chip.
Please do not waste several more of your prime youthful years clinging to this sick and unhealthy situation. I can pretty much see where this is headed anyway. Either
1) AS you become even more and more educated you will find yourself in the company of more and more hard working people with good morals, a decent work ethic and who know how to treat women, and people in general. The contrast between them and your husband will eventually become too much for you to ignore and you will finally leave him for somebody who treats you the way you deserve...somebody who is willing to cherish you the way you deserve and work side by sde to build a life and a family WITH you... instead of layaing on his butt like your current mistake of a husband and letting you support his family without letting you actually be a member of it. Just don't let your youth, and ability to have children, pass while you gather the courage to get here. Because I have the feeling that you do actually love and want children...and that you could be the sweetest of mommies once you get away from this creep who has put these cruel and unfair labels on you. (Do you even realize that there is a psychological phenomenon where a person comes to believe, wholeheartedly, the lies their abuser tells them about themselves over time? I think this is what happened to you.)
2) He will eventually get bored and find somebody else. Because, make no mistake, a person who treats you like this does not see the true value in YOU...the special and unique person that YOU, PHOENIX are. And when he can't see that, he can't see why he needs you above every other woman on the planet. If you want to test this out, just make things a lot more inconvienent for him. Stop giving him everything you have to give and getting nothing in return. See how much this realtionship would be "worth it" to him if he had to put in the kind of work, effort and sacrifice that you do...every single day. But I think you already know the answer to that, don't you? Do you find yourself scrambling around trying to make everything just right so he won't yell at you? Do you imagine he would do this for you? What would happen if you treated him, talked to him, the way he does to you? Would it be worth it to him? People don't risk losing people and relationships that are very valuable to them. They don't. They REALLY DON'T. Listen to what the way he treats you and talks to you is telling you.
3) YOu will stay with him for a lifetime and let him leep your world so small that you don't see what it is like "On the outside" for other people in mature, loving relationships. You will become more and more isolated and fearful of breaking away and being on your own. You may come to feel that he is the only person who will ever love you. Your ability to love and feel feelings will grow dimmer and dimmer until you are a gray, unfeeling ghost... and your opportunity to be a young, vibrant, happy, loving woman, full of life, with a husband who adores you and children who you love and dote on with a depth of maternal instinct that you never knew you posessed will be dried up and gone forever. Please don't let this last one be your choice. Please!
Phoenix, please give yourself a real chance at life...and LOVE. I wish I could come to wherever you are and give you a big hug and somehow help you understand everythign I am trying to tell you.
If you were my daughter this is what I would pray for you every single day. And yet I know young people need to make thier own mistakes for themselves...I know I did, plenty of times. But I will tell oyu this. When I was younger and thought I had the world by the tail and everything in control, I thought my parents were out of touch and completely lacking in any sort of knowledge about the real world. Now that I am in my 40s, I realize that that wasn't true. I still feel liek the same person I did way back when...and I remember even my teen years like they were yesterday. The only thing that keeps reminding me that I am a "grown up" is the pack of high school age children parading around my home. But what I do have now that I did not back then is two decades worth of experiences...my own and having witnessed those of so many friends, colleagues and acquaintances...that I am able to draw some pretty realistic and likely conclusions to some fairly typical sitations (unfortunatley, yours is not as rare as it ought to be)...which is where I got the three scenarios I wrote above. I can tell you that these marriages almost never work long term...and the women involved usually espress the same regret...having waited so long to finally FEEL GOOD.
From, Mom
Well said, and good for you for getting out!
Post a Comment