Received Monday, September 8, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I am a nanny for three children, a five year old and three year old twins. I’ve been with them for almost three years. The parents recently got divorced and have the kids on a pretty crazy schedule. They don’t spend more than two nights in a row at either house.
The five year old is a great kid, but has some behavioral issues. Her parents had her in therapy for a few months, but when things went sour between them, they gave up on that. I’m trying not to be too hard on her since I know the divorce has been very upsetting, but there comes a point when I do have to discipline her.
I tried sitting down with both parents this weekend to talk. I expressed that I am having trouble disciplining the five year old. The father says we (myself and her mother) need to work it out. He doesn’t have the issues with her that we do. I believe he chooses to ignore the issues. Everyone else around her sees that the way she acts is not normal. I asked him if he could give me some specific examples of how he would like me to discipline the children. He said “You’ve been with them forever. You can do what you want.” He was unwilling to talk about it and seemed more interested in the television than anything I had to say, so I went home feeling like nothing was accomplished.
I have worked with some pretty difficult children, and I know if her parents would just try some of the things I have suggested, we would see a big change in her. She is going to continually test all of us until we can get on the same page.
This job is really starting to take its toll on me. Aside from the discipline problem, the parents are completely lost in their own worlds. Since they started having problems they can not seem to make it home on time. I’m not talking about five or ten minutes. They are continually up to an hour late. I work my butt off cleaning, organizing, doing little things whenever I have chances that are not part of my job, and no one ever notices. Instead of thanking me for all the extras I do for him, the father chooses to nitpick about the way I load the dishwasher. The parents seem to have completely forgotten about my feelings and to a point about their children’s.
I love these kids so much. I cry for them every night, and it would kill me to walk away from them. I am the only stability they have in their lives at this point, so quitting is not even an option.
Any other suggestions?
16 comments:
I'm really sorry that this has happened to you and the children. It can't be easy for anyone involved. But in my opinion you must be realistic. You can't force the father to parent and you alone can't fix the parents attitudes post divorce. In my opinion you can't forever continue to coddle the 5 year old like you said you're her only stability. Although I realize there will be a lack of consistancy theres not a ton you can do about that. If you feel inclined to keep this position I would advise business as usual considering it sounds like the divorce took place some time ago. Best of Luck!
Advise: Hang in there.
Command: Go get yourself a massage. You are a saint for staying with these children.
Advise 2: Try talking to the 5 year old. Tell him/her that you love them, but that behavior won't fly anymore, and consequences will ensue. Lastly, talk to his/her teachers... maybe they have some suggestons (and, if anything, it will be back end support for you!).
BLESS YOU OP-- you are a good person :)
Yes I agree with bostongirl. Treat it like a JOB and not personally. Its sad this happened, and you are their stability, continue doing what you do best...you never know what the future holds and what you may encounter. Don't stress yourself out just do what you are PAID to do.
Pray about it too.
About the discipline thing...just do time outs, everyone seems to be on a short leash here including you dealing with this divorce so it wouldn't be good to just suddenly loose it and do something drastic because the kids aren't listening or behaving, that would cause you to have regrets.
Its unfortunate that when people go through a divorce they tend to forget about all the other parties involved who deal directly with it too.
My advice is just do what you can, and if you can't you can't.
You can only be sympathetic to a certain extent but remember this is your JOB and they HAVE to PAY you for whatever extra time you are on your JOB!!
A massage would be nice to relieve some stress also...re "lovethegirls" didn't think about that one lol ;)
OP,
you have a big heart and I know you love these kids. If quitting is not something you want to do, I wish you luck so that you can hang in there. But it is an option. You are in their employ, you are not part of the family. I understand you feel an obligation to them as if they are family, but you are not family. Some day you will have your own children and then you will see the difference. Furthermore, this Dad sounds less that sensitive and agreeable. God Bless you, but I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Good luck and keep us posted.
OP-
What are the behavioral issues the 5 yo is having? Maybe some of us here can help give you advice on how to handle it in a way that suits you and the child.
Sounds like a tough situation!! I think your heart is in the right place -- but sometimes, things are just out of your hands. I honestly don't know what to tell you but I wish you the VERY best of luck & hope this situation turns out for the better!
OP,wow, you take me back many years ago to my first nanny job. I was put in charge of 4 boys, (9,8,5,3) and after being in my new position many miles and states from home, I found out the dirty secret everyone was hiding from me. Mom and dad were getting divorced and mom had 2 (yes 2) boyfriends who would alternate which nights they slept over. I came to realize and feel that I was the only stable person in these kids lives (dad was overseas for a few months) and I to felt I couldn't leave because I needed to be there for the boys. I worked 24/7 because mom always wanted to be with her boyfriends and about 3 months into a 6 month job mom moved out and left me there to take care of her children. All 4 boys were in therapy and 2 had ADHD while one was border like bipolar. I was 21, young and nieve and let me tell you, I to cried every night not only for the boys, but also for myself because I felt trapped. I had to leave the family because it was to bad of a situation to stay in. Years later now I have a good relationship with the 2 older boys and we talk as much as we can. They know I tried my hardest and that eventually I was going to leave anyways, they were both just glad that I was able to discipline them and keep things as normal as possible. I would suggest doing what you need to take care of yourself.
If you really get desperate, perhaps you might think of a way to hold a mirror up to the parents behavior. Film them interacting with the child, act like them (subtly), or find a play or movie that expresses your point and encourage them to watch it. People are often most blind of themselves.
Walk away NOW. I have been with my charges 7 plus years through thick and thin. Now that the kids are in school full time the parents have conveniently forgotten all the "things" I did for the entire family. Heed my advice, no matter what, you will not be thanked in the long run or even remotely remembered for all the good you have done. Leave now your senses are fairly intact.
The Five Stages of Divorce & Nanny
1) We cling to nanny. We loathe the ex spouse.
2) We depend on nanny more than ever before.
3) We vent to nanny about the dreadful exhusband or wife.
4) The nanny helps us rebuild or lives.
5) The nanny's life is destroyed (for she was so busy taking care of a broken family that she forgot about herself) and just in time because the parents have made up, come to their senses and adopted an appropriate custodial schedule. The nanny is fired, sent packing with nary $20 for a cabfair.
Since the job is making you cry every night, you are now putting the family ahead of yourself too much. It's not okay at this point. No matter how much you care, it's not fair to you to suffer this much. You may not like to hear this, but you must find a better situation. After all, if the family's situation is causing the little girl to have issues, it must be affecting you mentally as well. Please take care of you.
liz,
that sounds about right.
It sounds like the father is unwilling to work with in helping to discipline the child, but what about the mom? She might be of some help to you if she is willing.
It sounds like you are really committed to this family, but that is not good if you are going home and crying every night. If possible, I would take the advice of some of the other posts and treat it more like just a job. If you are able to separate yourself from the situation a little, it might help with your own sanity. You sound very kind and sweet, but you do need to take care of yourself - for you own sake and the children’s.
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