Monday

Nanny needs help getting Family on board for transitioning child

Received Monday, August 11, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
Hi. I have posted before. I was the one who posted about having to deal with the crazy grandmother who is overbearing and very controlling (ex: wants me to put blankets on a 10 month old in 90 degree weather, comes to "help" but only does laundry and snoops).

Anyway the baby is now almost 13mo. The grandma is still annoying as hell but she only comes maybe twice a month now (thank God). She has backed off a little BUT here is the problem. Since he was about 10 months old or so I have been feeding him table foods and trying to introduce new foods. I cook for him on a daily basis and all of the foods are healthy, etc. Grandma still comes and brings him ALL jarred foods, and I mean like a 2-3 weeks supply at a time, meats, veggies, fruits. I am trying to get him transitioned into table foods and textures but she keeps butting in and bringing the baby foods. The parents are feeding it to him EVERY night that I am not here and let me tell you its out of pure laziness.

I cook lunch for him and almost everyday I wrap the leftovers up for dinner and tell them its in the fridge. So literally instead of them heating up the food they just open up a few jars. Hes 13 months. There is no need for him to be eating jarred strained mushy food. He has like 10 teeth already. I told Grandma that he is eating table foods now and we dont need the jarred food but she still brings it everytime she comes to visit. Also she keeps bringing formula (the kind for 9-24 months). I have talked to Mom and Dad about it being time to transition him to whole milk and they say ok but then they never do it .

Also I always give him a sippycup (I only give him a bottle when I am putting him to sleep for the night). They still dont give him the sippycup and only give him bottles. Also they just give him a bottle whenever he fusses, there is no routine etc. the baby is not overweight but Im afraid with all of the table foods and unnecessary formula he may gain some weight which could lead to problems in the future. Does anyone have any advice?

I really just need some advice. I know he is not my child but I dont think that they have any reasons for doing any of this other than laziness. They have said yes to the milk, table foods, sippycup and they agree with me but then they dont follow through. I dont want to step on their toes as I really like my job , its just frustrating.

64 comments:

Hellcat said...

Sounds like they should take your advice. He will not benefit from their laziness.
I wouldn't worry about him gaining some pudge though. They lose it all as soon as they start running around.

UmassSlytherin said...

OP,
I really feel for you, but it sounds like you are beating a dead horse. As much as I hate to say it, it is their child and they can feed him jar food at night if they want to. The only advice I can give is to try to tactfully ask them how the "solid food" is going at night. Once you're off the clock, your job is over until the next day. While I think you are correct (my daughter started solids very early and did great: we never looked back) I think to an extent you do have to bow to what they want to do with him if you value your job.

Good luck, you sound like a great nanny.

op said...

Oh, I should probably also add that his ped. has given the ok to all foods except peanuts and shellfish and also to whole milk.

mom said...

As frustrating as this is for you (and I understand completely) this is their child, and if you try to correct thir parenting on an ongoing basis after they have listend to and ignored your good advice on multiple occasions, they are only going to become annoyed with you and think you are overstepping your bounds. That will make for a certain amount of discontent with you as a nanny, which I'm sure you don't want. They obviously don't care to change, whether it is best for the child, or not.

I have a friend with a baby and a nanny. The nanny so looks over her sholder and clucks with disapproval at her parenting (which she takes very seriously and does very well at)that she is on eggshells at times, and I can see that she is very often seeming to work at gaining the nanny's approval(which is apparentlly not easily earned.) The nanny made some snide, under her breath, comment about the organic baby food mommy was feeding him because it was from a jar...which prompted my friend to make fresh food for her baby, all from scratch. She went to Whole Foods, bought a bunch of his favorite veggies, steamed and pureed them, put them in little containers that she had bought for that purpose and felt like the bestest mommy ever. Then she went to feed the baby this "superior" food. She said he didn' cry...he SCREAMED...evey time he ate the fresh food. Then she would try a bite of the jar food, and he would eat it. Fresh food...scream, jar food...yum. When she told me this story, my response was that her nanny sounded a little too big for her britches, and like a real drag to have underfoot all day passing judgement. This nanny is on thin ice and a hair's breadth from being dismissed.

You definitely don't want your employers feeling that way about you.

I had another friend who introduced her baby to solid foods by giving him canned vegetables for adults...the ones with so much salt in them that its practically all you taste. (It was cheaper than baby food and easier than making fresh.) She also took him out of his carseat to play with and nurse when they went on long road trips. She remarked with disgust about how other motorists would scold her when they saw her holding an infant up to the window to pretend wave. People tried to tell her things for the good of her child, but she did what she wanted.

So will your employers...as you have seen.

I would just feed him the way you feed him when you are on duty and let the parents do as they do. It's not the worst thing in the world and the boy will be just fine whether is food is mushy or needs chewed. At some point they will switch over to big boy food. And if you make them feel that you question their parenting abilities, it may not be pretty.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Minneapolis Nanny said...

Miss anonymous, God your comment be a good one. I guess if you had something nice to say, you'd use a valid name. Oh well- you're about to be deleted anyway!

Nanny, you're a great caregiver. I know it's hard to watch things hapen that you'd "never do with your own kids". When things get frustrating, just remember that you're getting paid to do a job- not to school this family.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Marypoppin'pills said...

Just a reminder:
Anonymous posts will be deleted. Please pick intials or a moniker and click Name/URL.
Thank you!

OP said...

OP here. I also want to make it clear that it isn't me telling them what to do it was them that initially started all of the changes, what table foods to intro., switching to sippycups, switching to whole milk, etc. It is just only being implemented by myself, not them .So its not me making suggestions and them not doing what they say, this is talking with them and the doctors etc. Its a little difficult when I am trying and they arent. Yes he is their son, I get that however its a little hard when he will start to gag on a monday morning chewing on solids after being fed mush all weekend!

bebe said...

Maybe until they jump on the bandwagon, you'll have to step back and do the jarred food. Only because it is confusing, and maybe even messing this baby's system up. Is he constipated at all. Colicky/stomach gas?
The parents are doing him a huge disservice, but your hands are yied until you can knock some sense into them.

bebe said...

hee-hee - I meant tied

UmassSlytherin said...

I hear you, OP. But there's not much you can do other than talk to them about it. Explain your delimma: tell them that you want them to back you up on these things.

But as mom said, if you do this, be prepared "discontent." Until the end of time, childcare workers will face these problems: parents who are potty-training putting a diaper on the child all weekend long, parents who are trying to wean their child off the binky giving it to them all weekend long...etc. It is not fair to the child, or to you. But it is what it is.

Again, good luck, I can see your heart is in the right place.

OP said...

He isnt constipated but for instance, he pooped like 5 times today already and its only 240pm. You are right, Bebe, I believe that it may mess up his system going from jarred to whole back and forth. I really don't want to give him the jarred, he gets so much more nutrition and variety when I cook for him-but I will if I have to. I think my only choice is to speak with parents about these things once again abd see if we can get on the same page, if not I guess we will have to revert back to infancy with the jarred food, bottles and formula. Thanks everyone, I know theres not much I can do, I guess this was really more of a rant. Thanks again

LindaLou said...

OP, i really think you need to back off. He's not your child. I don't see much concern at all if the parents still want to feed him jarred food and a toddler formula. yes, he should start using a sippy, but a bottle at 13 months is not a huge deal. i doubt the squishy food is *messing up his system* either. all food is squishy by the time it's chewed and hits the stomach. i don't know if you have your own children (i'm thinking you sound like you don't) but it seems like you're in an awful hurry to get this child to grow up and move on the the next level. just relax. nothing you're describing is going to damage the child in any way. if you want to feed him table foods and whole milk in a sippy cup while the parents feed him baby food and toddler formula in a bottle, who cares?

mom said...

Op,this just occurred to me. there are a lot of people out there who are afraid of dairy. Maybe your employers, or her mother, are among them? Be sure the milk is OK wiht them.

My sister refuses her children dairy and juice...entirely. (They each have a mouthful of cavities...but I'm sure that's just a coincidence.)

I have a friend who, no matter what may happen to me...from a stubbed toe to the flu...according to him is a direct result of my body rebelling against the dairy I consume. (My strong bones beg to differ...but to each his own.)

Anyway, just a thought....

kathleencares said...

All you can do is be honest and talk to them about your concerns. But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like they are going to listen to you. It is their child so they can feed him what they want. I would just do what you can for him while you are there since that is all you really have control over.

Yaya said...

Sounds similar to a fam I used to work for. But their issue was the mother didn't want her "baby" to be "growing up" so she held her off on so many developmental things bc it made her sad to see her baby growing...odd....
This was also her first born.

chick said...

OP, while I can tell you care a lot about your charge, I think it might be time to take a deep breath and a step back on these issues.

At 13 months, many babies still eat table foods AND jarred foods, drink formula AND whole milk. It will not mess up his digestion, it will not confuse him, and he will eventually no longer want to be spoon fed.

Have your employers expressed any concerns that you are feeding him differently than they are? If not, keep doing your thing, let them do their thing, and eventually they will get tired of the spoon feeding. Maybe baby will even begin to refuse to BE spoon fed!

The bottle is also not a huge issue imo. Some moms like to cuddle and bottle feed as long as 18 months. Eventually baby will decide he is not interested in bottles anymore.

As babies become toddlers, they begin asserting their independence more and more. That usually means they want to do things themselves. I bet that some day your bosses will be upset that their son won't let them feed him anymore.

At that point, please be sure to empathize, rather than saying how you are happy that they have to do things "your way" now. I know no better way to cause bad feelings than gloating when one gets what one wants, and, to be blunt, you sound so frustrated that you might gloat unintentionally.

Kid growing is not a hard science. Flexibility is key, and as nannies, we have to accept the parents feelings as completely valid. Let me give you an example:

I was caring for a little butterball baby, 22+ lbs at 4 months. Baby started solids, and was INHALING 5+ jars per day. Mom saw an article in which it was stated that a baby her child's age was only supposed to eat 12 - 16 Tbsp of baby food.

Mom expressed concern baby was eating "too much". I made my point that baby would not eat if not hungry, accepted mom's decision to measure baby's food, and suggested checking in with their Pediatrician to discuss her concerns. After a few weeks, we did just that. In those few weeks, baby started waking to have bottles at night again, after not doing so for 4 - 6 weeks. She was hungry, since her solids were more controlled.

Saw the Pediatrician, Mom got to ask questions, got answers that satisfied her, and we went back to feeding to hunger. Mom appologized, I insisted that she had only wanted to do the "right" thing, and that I appreciated her being willing to ask for another opinion.

Baby is now a happy, healthy preschooler with a great attitude toward food.

It all evens out in the end if we try to keep things in perspective. Not feeding table food = not a huge deal. Not allowing ANY food just formula = big deal.

(Mom, I think I am channeling you!)

DowntoEarth said...

My youngest Grandson is 16 months old and has been eating table food since 12 months mainly because he has so many teeth and once he started eating some table foods he would spit out the jared food. He eats grilled cheese sandwhiches now and I guess he eats just about everything we do. He sees the older kids eat and he wants the same thing. We had no trouble with him eating both junior foods from the jar and table foods. Once he had milk that was the end of formula, he would't drink it. Sometimes if I work late my SIL will give the little guy his favorite junior spaghetti from the jar and it causes no stomach upset.
Sooner or later OP your little guy will not eat baby food on his own so they will have to give him table food, don't worry about it, it all takes time and he will be eating steak soon enough lol
If you get too pushy about this the parents may think that the goofy grandma is right about you lol

cali mom said...

I think DownToEarth's post really sums it up. But in your last post, wasn't grandma clucking and expressing disapproval at the fact that YOU were feeding the baby jarred food, which SHE thought wasn't healthy?

SDMother said...

Just wanted to repeat this quote from chick:

"At 13 months, many babies still eat table foods AND jarred foods, drink formula AND whole milk. It will not mess up his digestion, it will not confuse him, and he will eventually no longer want to be spoon fed."

Yes. Nothing the parents are doing is harmful and IMO you need to back off.

And formula is much more nutritious than cow's milk, actually. I'm with the parents on that one.

Actually I'm with them on all of it. You are micro-managing. It is their child, and everything they are doing is not only very common practice with a child that age, but ABSOLUTELY not harmful. If he's 3 years old and still drinking from a bottle and being spoonfed from a jar, get back to us.

OP said...

No, the grandma never had an issue with jarred food, it was allergies she was obsessed about. I am NOT pushing them to do anything they don't want to do and I don't make comments or even say anything to them --so I think a lot of you are taking my post out of context. I am NOT micromanaging him I am just following doctors and parents orders. Im not the one going out and buying the table foods, sippycup's etc.--they are. They want him to move forward but just aren't implementing it themselves because they are lazy and its much easier to pop open a jar of food than to cook( or heat up). I don't say a word to them--EVER so Im not sure where anyone got in their head that I am bossing them around. This will be the last time I will ever post on here as people take things out of context. MY only point was that it is hard to try to get the baby on a schedule, routine, meal plan, etc and not have parents who don't back you up in the end. Noone caught sight of this and took it as me tellng them what to do which is so not the case. Thanks anyway

OP said...

Oh and also to "MOM" no it isnt a dairy thing as he eats cheese, yogurt, etc. Also I should point out that they were the ones to say "we should start him on sippycups now, feed him x, y, z, etc". NOT me.

cfg said...

OP
You need to understand that not everybody "computes" everything the same. You had some people give really decent advice, so why would you say this is the last time you post here?
Why do people do that? Just because of one or two idiots, people that have been posting for awhile want to quit coming?
Don't do that, OP. When you do that, the real people are the one's that lose out here, don't you know?

UmassSlytherin said...

OP,

if you scroll up, you will see that not everyone was second-guessing you. I myself stated that I understood where you were coming from. Don't be hasty in leaving this blog: you have important points of view too. Please don't be put off by others suggesting things or even others who assume things. There is no reason for you to not come back to the blog. People here have strong views and others are going to make suggestions and read into what you say. You must be prepared for that when you post.

I think the general consensus is that your hands are really tied. And yes, I realize it was the parents who decided to do this stuff that they are not following through with. Again, unless you choose to discuss it with them, you will have to just put up with it, unfortunately.

Good luck, and reconsider leaving the blog. You should return because someday it will be world-famous. It sort of already is.

Do you like the Jonas Brothers? I do.

cfg said...

And no, I'm not calling anyone here idiots, I'm just saying overall, when someone says their leaving, their going to let people get to them because they don't like what they have to say.

cfg said...

Lmao, yeah, what Umass said!
You put it out there a hell of a lot better than I did, thank you!

mom said...

Oh my gosh OP, I'm sorry. I wasn't meaning to criticize you. I was just giving examples of things I have witnessed in my life...sort of as "don't let this happen to you" scenarios. I don't think you want your employers to think of you the way my friend now thinks of her nanny...that's all.

That doesn't mean I think you did any of those things...only that you probably shouldn't.

And the question about the milk...I think it was a valid one. You and granny have had a power struggle going on for a long time and I thought maybe she was bringing the food and formula to assert her will about what the child eats.

I don't remember everything everybody wrote on here, but I don't recall seeing anything I thought was mean directed at you.

Remember, differing opinions don't mean we are criticizing you. It means we all have different opinions about this...and isn't that why you wrote on here and asked for our opinions?

No need for you to leave. We liked your last submission, and this one too. It is a good problem for discussion.

(If you want to see controversy, write in about whether or not women should expose their breasts in public when they breastfeed....or the all time winner...whether spanking is an effective disciplinary tool, or a hideous form of child abuse.)

the mrs. said...

I absolutely love the camaraderie around here. You guys always rally around someone when they least expect it or really need it.
I really find that admirable.

The other day, you did that with another poster that wanted to leave, and now this one. What a really nice bunch of people here!

chick said...

OP, from the tone and wording of your first post, I think I got the idea that you were pushing these changes, and getting very angry at the parents for not doing things your way.

If that isn't the case, I do appologize for anything I said that might have upset you. This is a prime example of how hard it is to read tone and intent online, isn't it?

I hopwe you can still take some good things away from all the answers you got. Good luck, and remeber, this too shall pass!

LindaLou said...

OP, you have an attitude. whether you are communicating that to the parents or not, only you can know. people were simply pointing out that what the parents are doing is not damaging to the child in any way. if you want to think of them as *lazy*, whatever. maybe since they are both working parents, they'd rather spend their only child's waking hours interacting with him instead of worrying about cooking a 5 course meal. from your posts on this blog, my impression is that you lack an empathy for your employers or their realtives.

the mrs. said...

Lindalou
Why do you have to be so negative? I would be concerned that your attitude would intimidate posters and keep them from coming back.
Why do you have to be like that? I truly think OP cares for these children, otherwise, why would she take the time to write and ask for advice? I think you're being way too hard on her.

the mrs. said...

Excuse me, I mean child, not children.

sydney white said...

op, I don't think you should worry about any nasty posts on here. What you should do instead are look at the posts that offer you good advice, which appear to be all but one or two. These moms and nannies have all offered wonderful advice(no doubt from experience) and they all seem to understand that you want what is best for the little one. We can all see that.
Sometimes though, as a nanny,it is out of our control.
It's tough, I know.
This child is lucky to have you doing all the right things for him while he is in your care.
Mom and dad have a different approach(lazy or not) than you but what they are doing is not harmful in any way to your charge.It is just a less enthusiatic approach.

sorry you are getting so many mixed signals from mom& dad. Follow their lead and bite your tongue,as hard as it may be.


Good luck and give us an update soon.

LindaLou said...

*mrs*, seriously, save your stupid hand slapping for someone else and worry about your own posts.

1STseattlenanny2NDblbnowmrsquitpickingonpeople said...

She is not old,she is not young,
The woman with the Serpent's Tongue.
The haggard cheek,the hungering eye,
The poisoned words that wildly fly,
The famished face, the fevered hand-
Who slights the worthiest in the land,
Sneers at the just,contemns the brave,
and blackens goodness in it's grave.
-William Watson
Oh and,I think you are doing a fine job OP. It's hard but keep your chin up,before you know it bottles and jarred food wil be a thing of the past.

the mrs. said...

1stseattlenanny....
I don't understand your moniker, but lindalou was being pretty harsh on OP. I am trying to support her, and it looks like you are too, so what's with your moniker?
Lindalou, of course, as I've seen her before, had to go on the defensive, as I was only trying to suggest that she cut OP a break.
But, from what I've seen, what else is new? I don't think my post in any way is rude.
I didn't come to fight like little schoolgirls, this is silly.

the mrs. said...

Maybe I need another cup of coffee, 1stseattlenanny? If I misunderstood your post, I apologize.

regular said...

The person is saying first LindaLou attacked Seattlenanny then she attacked blb now she is attacking MRS.

The person is defending you MRS, by saying to LindaLou to "quit picking on people."

OP said...

thanks to umass, mrs., hellcat, and others who defended me. This is exactly the reason( people like LL) I wont come on here anymore but I figured before I did left for good I would give an updated. Had a long talk with the parents yesterday who apologized to me about not following through with table foods, etc. They admitted they were just being lazy and agree with me on everything. We threw out all of the bottles except one that he will get for bed and we are going to try out whole milk on Monday. Also they are going to put me in charge of buying all of his food and cooking lunch and having dinner ready in the fridge when they come home. They threw out all of the jars except some fruit because we sometimes mix it in with his oatmeal. I sat back didnt say much , I guess they knew they were procrastinating. I feel good that I didnt have to say anything. Again, its not me being controlling or wanting to push him into being a toddler too soon. Its about him being ready and adapting , which he is, and for ALL of us to be on the same page. I believe that routine and consistency is important in a childs life and its reallly important for nanny and parents to be on the same page and work as a team. To those of you who didnt see where I am coming from or understand I hope I cleared the air And by the way, LindaLou, the only person who has attitude is you. Way to go on having another person leave the blog!

OP said...

that was meant to read "before I left for good" and "update"--typing too fast!

OP said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the mrs. said...

Regular
That's what I thought when I went back and read it again. I'm glad I apologized for my mistake, I actually thought I was being dumped on, so thank you.

OP, I have read on here too many people wanting to leave because of certain not-so-nice people. I hope you won't be one of them. I see that quite a few were with you and rallied around you, too. I know everyone gets it every now and then on here, and I expected as much coming to your defense earlier. But I try not to let it bother me. I really wish you would do the same. I'm sure I'm not the only one that showed interest in your post and hope you have more to offer by staying around.
Thank you for updating us! I'm glad it worked out, and hope things get a little better for you. You really do seem like a very caring nanny.

Marypoppin'pills said...

I know everyone has an opinion, and that is what makes this Blog so great, but it bothers me when I hear a poster wants to leave.

OP, we really appreciate the Contributions you've made and hope that you do not leave.

UmassSlytherin said...

OP,

great update.

OP: don't freaking leave this blog. you and we will be missing out if you do.

And in LL's defense (I have to say I don't have a problem with LL: I like her even though we disagree at times) she cannot "make" you leave, OP, only you can decide if you leave or not. Just some food for thought.

Again, great update and please don't freaking leave. K? :)

cc said...

Linda Lou,
Jesus would be unhappy with how you treated one of his lambs.

LindaLou said...

jesus, who?

LindaLou said...

and as for the *rest* of you carrying on, seriously, get the hell over it. if don't like my opinions or what i contribute to the blog, skip over my posts. this delusion that i have some sort of special power to make people leave or do other things is really fkn stupid and you sound ridiculous.

oh, and seattle nanny *left* because she was caught in her own lies.

chick said...

LL and I have disagreed vehemently and passionately at times, but come on! She is not making anyone do anything. She's expressing herself in her own way.

OP, choose to leave if you must, but I think the sort of feedback you get here is honest, and that's hard to come by these days.

I always like to get opinions that make me think about MY views. That's part of what I like about ISYN.

Sprak said...

It's very important that child care providers be in sync with the parents. That being said, the parents have the say on how they want their children reared even if they do not follow through with their own instructions. It's a bit of a sticky wicket and there isn't much you can do about it, OP, because you lack the control. I guess you can deal with it, doing your best to follow planned procedure and hope the parents follow suit or if you cannot deal with the parents' lackadaisical attitude, you will have to look elsewhere for employment. Good luck.

mom said...

Op, Glad to hear your discussion was so productive. Maybe these parents aren't so lazy afterall. Maybe it was hard admitting their baby isn't so much of a baby anymore. (That's a ittle hard on us mom types sometimes!)

Who knows what they were thinking before, but they obviously respect you a great deal to have responded so well to your suggestions.

UmassSlytherin said...

sprak,

I like 'nsync too.

seattlenanny said...

Seattlenanny here..


LindaLou you can kiss my ass. I'm a lot of things BUT I'm not a liar! I don't know what your problem is that you have to drag up something that happened 3 MONTHS ago!! Seriously?? I've been over it for sometime now. How about you give it a try and stop slandering my name.

LindaLou said...

@@. I most certainly did NOT *bring it up*, nor have i spoken of since until someone ELSE brought it up today, *seattle nanny* or fish wife or whatever mioniker you're using today.

thanks for posting though. i guess that blows the theory that i had some magical power to drive you away!

seattlenanny said...

UH? More than just you and I in Washington state LL. I'm not fishwife OR the person who posted 1stseattlenanny2ndblb... I give MPP my permission to vouch for me on that one.

Yeah my name was brought up and not by you but you took the liberty to call me a liar. Not cool Lindalou, not cool.

seattlenanny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
bananaphone said...

Could we please follow the rules of this blog and stop trying to figure out who is who?

Marypoppin'pills said...

Again, please do not assume you know who is posting.

The Fisherman's Wife has sent in several Submissions and she is not Seattle Nanny.

LindaLou said...

LOL. yeah, she just happened to pop in!

I'm done with this stupidity. argue amongst yourselves as usual.

bananaphone said...

Happened to pop in? How do you know she wasn't here all along, and only felt the need to say something when you called her a liar? Fishermans wife could've just as easily popped in if it was her, but she didn't, cause you said thats who she was trying to be.

LindaLou said...

MPP, in that case i apologize to The fisherman's wife. i shouldn't have insulted her.

bananaphone said...

lindalou, Fishermans wife just left a really long post on CL-WTF, so theres no way it was seattle nanny.

Proust said...

Stop trying to figure out who other people are and wrestle with who you are.

Complete the proust questionnaire.