Friday

Husband's Fair Share?

Received Friday, August 8, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
This is a question for daycare providers and mothers. My husband and I both work full time. We share all of the expenses, except that 100% of the daycare comes from my end. He doesn't seem to get it through his head that he should be share in the hassle of pick up and drop off. Both of us have to go a bit out of our way to get to the daycare. If my husband is home on a day off, he won't do it because it's his day off. My question is this- is it just my husband or is every other woman out there also handling every drop off and pick up? And why? -GV, Tarrytown

30 comments:

v said...

No, every woman is not handling every pick up and drop off!!
He is supposed to help you. Its his responsibility.
You didn't concieve babies by yourself...did you??

v

UmassSlytherin said...

From my experience, it is half and half. I'm sorry he is not sharing in this. The daycare teachers should get to know him too and he should be familiar with the pick-up drop-off routine.

kathleencares said...

He should definitely be helping you out - especially if he has a day off and you don't!

mom said...

I know you won't like my opinion..but my first thought is that you have children, and it is too much trouble, for either of you, to pick up and drop off from daycare?
And you split expenses 50/50?

I don't understand this situation because I thought when people were married all they have belongs to both of them...especially the children.

I hope this doesn't sound like an attcak. it's meant rather to suggest that you might want to take a closer look at how much of a union/partnership you have, as opposed to a business deal, going on in your marriage.

In my experience, such arrangements do not tend to make for a cozy homey family feeling, or a "death do us part" commitment to living as a single unit...a FAMILY.

I met one woman who used to charge her husband for every little servcice literally...she gave him an invoice. Things she charged for included (that I can remember, anyway) shoppping for and wrapping gifts for his mother, and giving him back rubs. I can remember her proudly boasting of this at a gathering of several women. Everybody sat there in stunned silence until one woman said, very sarcastically, "That sounds like a really special arrangement you have going on there."

lynn said...

When I was a wohm, my job was 9-5 and my husbands was 'whenever he felt like leaving in the morning til whenever he came home' Granted he worked in a high stress investment banking job and made more than 10X what I did, but I was the one who had to wait for the nanny every morning (I can't imagine doing daycare and schlepping the baby somewhere on the subway-we live in manhattan)...and I was the one who rushed home every day after work to let the nanny go home. It wore on me after a while...he'd go for drinks after work, go to the gym etc and while I could have asked the nanny to stay later, she was already working 50 hours a week and had an hour commute home. I would have loved to keep my job and balance being a mom, but frankly this was one of the factors that led me to become a sahm (given the fact that we didn't really need my income anyway and basically every penny I earned went straight to the nanny)

UmassSlytherin said...

Mom: she charged he husband for a backrub?? Oh my goodness!! That would not work with me and my husband, mainly because we both share the same bank account! lmao!!! :)

Mom/33 said...

Mom,
I think you're out of touch with today's younger working couples. 1/3 of my friends pool all of their money, 1/3 of their money have some sort of he pays/she pays division and 1/3 of them; well they're too tactful to discuss money.

I have a friend who's husband pays the mortgage and she pays all the utility bills and car insurance on both cars out of her pay. They have some money in a joint account. I understand them least of all. I have one friend who pays for 1/2 the mortgage and one half of all of the monthly utilities and service. They will get in arguments over who bought groceries the last time. (In their defense stocking up their house for their children probably requires a long shopping trip and $300 dollars). But on the flip side, he wants to golf, play poker, he takes it out of his money. She wants $100 haircuts or to blow $900 on makeup, he can't say anything. I think the children grow up thinking this is normal. I had one friend completely livid because her husband waited until the last minute to buy Christmas gifts for their children. One of my friends makes about 75 percent of the household $ and is very generous by paying for everything. But when his children from a previous marriage arrive, she won't buy groceries for them to eat. (And she tells me she dumps juice down the sink and throws out things she has in the house for her other children that her stepchildren might like).

Charging your husband for a backrub? That's ludicrous. Although, I will say my husband negotiate many things. As in, "I probably wouldn't mind your mother staying for two weeks if I had new equipment in the gym...."

Ok, that was one negotiation that didn't work. "Mom loves to walk" was his response.

Its me said...

I do in home daycare in NYC and I would say i almost see more of the fathers than the mothers. But, at minimum, it is half and half-sometimes the mom drops off and the dad picks up or vice versa. You are getting the raw end of the stick and I would have a talk with hubby over it.

ub defector said...

But back to OP's question, how many of your husbands (or if a daycare provider, how many husbands do you see) that handle a significant percentage of drop offs or pick ups.

I have a nanny and all the scheduling is done with me. If she isn't here, I'm on. My husband starts his day at 6 when he gets up for a run. He comes home, showers, enjoys a cup of coffee and the paper for 15 minutes and then bolts out the door. My day starts when the nanny arrives. I wake up as late as I can and get ready with one child on my hip and the other under foot. My husband is rarely home before me or rarely off when I am not working, but the nanny always waits for me. HEr schedule is tied to mine and mine alone. And yes, that is pathetic.

I don't think most men understand how good they have it. My husband is going to the dentist on his lunch hour, going out with friends after work, even having the hair lasered off his back (sessions) and he has only to think of himself when he plans these things. I have to think of the children and the nanny. On my lunch hour, I am often running child related errands.

On the flipside, if we both walk in the door at the same time, the nanny leaves and I am on. DH never feels on. I am not saying he won't play with the children, take them swimming or bike riding or read to them, but everything he does is based on his desire to do it. All of those things that have to be done, all of the needs, they come straight for me.

Hail Working Women.
But If I was a man who made a comfortable salary, there is no way I would want to be married to a working woman. Not if there were children!

This Makes No Sense... said...

Why are the kids in day care if he's off? Couldn't he stay with them? No one would have to pick them up, they'd already be home...

TeamWork said...

So much of this is absolutely absurd to me. (AND I AM from the younger generation: my husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 8, and are both 25 years old.) However, we share everything equally, not by an equation mind you (or a carefully formulated mapped out plan) everything is simply "ours". We have one bank account (though we both work) and when the bills are paid they're paid together (without scrutinizing who made more money, and whose "really" footing the bill.) We share ALL responsibilities. If I clean the house, he goes grocery shopping, if I worked 15 more hours than him that week he's on cooking duty, and if we're both exhausted Pizza Hut is our chef. My husband will pick up tampons for me, medication (prescriptions), and make-up (if I'm too busy or tired), and I will pick up anything he needs (if he's too busy or tired.) The relationship I have with him is that of family, total trust, team work, and no resent. We are equals, we both work hard, but we also "play" hard together too...he is my best friend first and foremost. I can not fathom being in a relationship where everything was so black and white, cut and dry...cold and calculated. Is this why there are so many divorces for some? I can't imagine having the mindset that things are "MINE MINE MINE", or not wanting my husband to be happy and buy whatever he wants (that we can afford) and likewise he loves to see me get enjoyment as well. So OP, no, I don't think it's normal to do all "the work", and no, I personally would not stand for it.

the mrs. said...

Teamwork
I loved your post! That's how it should be, and OP, I think you should ask your husband to help out a little more.

UmassSlytherin said...

teamwork,
I agreed with your post. While it did seem a bit CarolandMikeBradyish, the sentiment is one I share. My husband and I share our income in a joint account. I don't really get the separating of assets if you are in a marriage. It doesn't make sense to me. As far as the two of us getting what we want, we treat ourselves but we do it within our means.

to mom/33:
I firmly disagree that mom is not "in touch" with the younger generation. From her posts, seems to me as if her kids help her to stay pretty in touch with it, not to mention she seems pretty hip to me. Any woman well-versed on the four Houses of Hogwarts and Donny Osmond to boot is ok in my book. :)

Disney is on my mind... said...

I feel this way but I have basically been staying home for over two years now. Sure I do temp. assignmments when they come up.

My hubby is great with our child. He really loves our son and our son loves him to death. But he can't really be alone with him. He always wants me there too.

Once, in a blue moon if I beg he will take him out on a Weekend morning and pick up breakfast. So I can clean the house. But thats done on such rare occasions.
Like the other posters he doesn't have a problem getting his hair done. Or hanging out with his friends at the club or they all go to Starbucks. Where am I 90% of the time alone.

Maybe, my story is the norm. The last time I got my hair cut was 2 years ago. I had to beg for almost a year. It really wears down your self-esteem. For me anyway these little things get me depressed.

Now I am working part-time. But I don't get to enjoy the money. Its already spent on some bill. Which is fine, I know I make alot of bills too. But it would be nice to have control of some of it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I feel better

Home on another nite alone : (


I am going to use another ID on here

UmassSlytherin said...

Disney on my mind,

Awww! (hugs) sorry it's so rough for you. You deserve a break, it sounds like! Tell that boy to let you have a girls night out! But speaking of Disney, why not listen to radio disney? That always cheers me up! Jesse McCartney is so hot!!!! I would give him the time, if you know what I'm saying...

I hope you cheer up soon!

mom said...

Ladies,
I was beginning to get afraid that I was old enough to start saying" I just don't get these younger people!" But it seems that many have the same sentiment as I do...I even got the feeling that mom 33 was agreeing more than disagreeing, and that maybe some misinterpreted her post a bit.

It also seems to me that there are some young mommies on here who are frustrated and a bit sad because their husbands are not as considerate as they might be. Take heart (this is common in the young and newly marrieds)...my husband was once very much like what I am reading here...staying out with buddies after work, feeling that he "deserved" some down time to play sports, or whatever on the weekend...meanwhile I was on 24/7 kid duty. Oddly, at the time, I believed this was being a good wife to allow him his space after a long work week...which to some extent I still agree with. But it should not be at the TOTAL expense of the wife, just because she "DOESN'T WORK." (What a LAUGH that is!!!! As all SAHMs know very, very well!) So my advice on that issue is, to stand up for yourself a bit more. Don't let your husbands run all over you and show you little to no consideration...because they will just keep on doing it and never change...and all the while their respect for you as a person will continue to diminish. The general rule is that people will get away with what you allow them to..and you teach people how you expect to be treated. By going along silently with this, you are only perpetuating your husband's ideas that they come first and you are second class. I wish I had figured that out earlier for myself! (Now you have the "crib notes"...so don't waste as much time as I did!)
When I finally stood up for myself in that regard, it was hard at first, because my husband thought I was "just going through some female thing," didn't want to give up all the control and power he had, etc. You get the picture. But I stuck to my guns on the issues that were really important to me and eventually we got things all squared away to where he is like the husband "Teamwork" describes above...and our relationship is just like that now. SO MUCH HAPPIER LIKE THIS!!!! And it has been over a decade this way...so it actually sticks. He is actually MUCH happier too.

And no, he didn't do nearly enough for the kids back then. Now that he does more, he has come to love the kids on a whole new level...to know them in a much closer way...and to appreciate what a GIFT they are. They (and I) have become the central focus of his life...and picking them up from ANYWHERE is his pleasure....because he LOVES to spend time with them. Now his weekends, instead of focusing on what he can do to pamper himself, are based on, "what can we do with the kids that they will enjoy." And literally that is what we have done for years and years..."what are the kids doing", and we work from there.

As far as the splitting of bills down the middle (we never had any money issues...knock wood), I still don't understand how this works in what is supposed to be a lifelong partnership. What is the point of marriage anyway if this is how you do it? Seems like maybe somebody is keeping one foot out the door...or maybe has the idea that all couples eventually divorce anyway, so whay not keep it separate to keep things simpler in the end. And if one person makes much more money than the other, how does that work? One of them gets a lot of fun and fancy stuff, while the other sits by and watches, barely able to afford any extras at all? Sounds like true love to me....YEAH. I know I would enjoy a 15 carat tennis bracelet a whole lot if my husband could barely afford a Timex watch. That's the spirit. But gee...maybe he would think I was really cool and classy because I had a bunch of stuff that he could only dream of? What happens on vacation? Does one have to go coach while the other sits in first class? And at retirement, what if one can't afford his or her half of the fab house in the Hamptons? In old age, will one go to a high class retirement facility while th eother lies around with bed sores in County General? I know that, as material things go, my husband and I have always felt more satisfaction giving than receiving (maybe cliche, but still as true as ever.)Neither of us has been hoggish with resources, ever, and we have always discussed every major purchase. He is generous with money and would, now that he can afford it, let me buy anything my heart desired. But I don't take advantage of that, and will still even call him from shopping if I find something I want but think might be overpriced...just to get his advice and opinion about what he thinks I ought to do. He used to call me before he bought things too (when we were on a stricted budget), just to check the status of our accounts and get my opinion. (Now he hates to shop for anything and I just get him what he needs and what I think he might want. He still likes me to choose his clothes for him...which I love doing, 'cause I dress him cuter than he dresses himself....hehehe.)

cali mom said...

Some husbands are useless. Yours sounds like one of them. These ones are the type of person who call looking after their own children's needs "babysitting".

LindaLou said...

i'm a sahm. i haven't worked for pay (except occasional temping at my old employer) in 8 years. what my husband and i have, belongs to both of us. when he's home, we both interact and care for the children 50/50. we're a family. my husband was laid off a week ago and he's going back to school in the fall. i'll be looking for a job and i'm sure we'll continue caring for the kids 50/50.

OP, if your husband isn't at work, why are the kids even AT daycare?

pana said...

Oh please, you spend all day away from child/ren and then complain about having to do all the drop off / pick up from day care center, why not look at this time as extra time you get to spend with your child/ren. I'm sure they could use some more time with you.

thePhoenix said...

Right, Pana-
because children only need and crave more times with their mothers. They don't need any bonding or one on one time with their fathers.

Right.

Childless and loving it said...

This is why I don't plan on having kids. Then we can both focus on our jobs, our social lives,our marriage and our pets! The fact that so many moms and dads see their children as a chore just solidifies for me that people should stop having children because that is what they are supposed to do and start having children ONLY when you want to dedicate your life to them. Since I'm not ready for that kind of sacrifice, nor is my husband, it is birth control for us.

bebe said...

Childless
I wish more ppl that knew they wouldn't make it as good parents had your intellect. Thanks for being so honest.
Enjoy your marriage!

v said...

I suppose its good to have a joint account in a marrige to foot bills and what not together..but I also think that still having your own seperate accounts would be a good idea in terms of planning a 'surprises' for the both of you or buying a birthday present you wouldn't want your spouse to know about.
But thats just my opinion.

v

mom said...

I have been married for almost 25 years, and neither my husband or I (I just asked him) have been tipped off to a an impending surprise or gift because of our joint bank accounts or credit cards. (But then I do all of the finances, so he doesn't see credit card bills...and he is sort of a last minute shopper, so buying something more than a month in advance doesn't happen with him. (Although I do recall once where he asked me not to peruse the CC bill until after Christmas..because he had ordered me a kiln..how sweet! And I didn't peek.)

I just have seen too many times where these separate asccounts have been used for purchases that...well, let's just say...would be grounds for divorce. Now, I don't know if the cart came first in these cases, or the horse...but my suspicion is that some of the people who want these separate accounts in the first place (Notice I didn't say all...so save the hate mail, please)want to maintain some degree of "freedom" and be free from scrutiny and accountability. NONE of my good, long term, one-marriage friends (the ones I am close enough to know how they run their households anyway)keep separate banking accounts, or keep tabs on who spent what. None. Marriage is not about each person contributing 50% and only 50%....it's about both parties contributing 100%...and more when needed. I'm just saying....

UmassSlytherin said...

well said, mom. especially the last line.

janes addiction said...

my first marriage we had seperate accounts. He owned the home and refused to add my name to the paperwork. I paid half the mortgage and bills but felt as if I was paying rent.It lasted only 8 years.he was a very wealthy man. I signed a prenup and walked away with nothing.
I am now in my second marriage.everything is shared and the accounts are joint.The day we married, my husband handed me a copy of hid deed to the house with my name on it.
I am a stay at home mom but we are equals.From 7-430 I am in charge of the children as he works. once he gets home and changes out of his uniform,we are 50/50 with the kids. I even get to sleep in on many a sat or sun morning while he gets up and feeds and plays with the kids.

having children is not a chore. Having to pick them up after work should not be either.

On days that he does not work, you pick up the kids and split the rest down the middle.

mimi said...

as far as marriage and teamwork..

We have seperate accounts and combined accounts..and it's beautiful! We use our joint account for the house payment, utilites and any other bills that we are both responsible for. We have one checking account each that's our own. Any extra cash we have from our checks after putting some in the "house" account is ours and ours alone. Then I have a credit card with a small limit and he has one as well. Its our choice if we want to run it up or keep nothing on it. Then there's a "house" credit card with a very high limit and it catches anything we agree on or any emergency. This is the absolute best way to go for us. I can hit a craft show and spend every penny I have been saving and there's no issue...he can go to GNC and drop 100 bucks on supplements and there's no guilt trip from me. No one ever has to have hard feelings or feel like they got the short end of that months spending. And it makes for no arguments.

We also had a bit of roadbumps when we first married. I am a neatnick to the core and he would rather not clean..like at all. Then we found out that he loves to keep the yard in tip top shape But I hate, hate, hate bugs and could care less if there is a weed in every crack in the sidewalk.....so we compromised...he pays for a weekly maid to keep up where I left off. And I pay for a gardner which helps him out. That way neither of us have to get burned out, much less get burned out doing something we hate. Don't think I don't thank God everyday we can afford such things. I own an in home daycare and he's a hard working blue collar guy.....We are young I'm 27 and he's about to be 28, we have many, many friends who battle constantly about not getting enough help with housework, to not having spending money etc...I think if you can find a way, especially early in your marriage to hire someone to throw you both a bone, it's as good as therapy because it keeps the spats to a minimum and allows for downtime for you and your spouse, which helps you bond and create a stronger marriage.

janes addiction said...

I too can hit a craft show and spen what I want. Likewise my sweetie can shop til he drops and we have only a joint account. guess it works either way!

mimi said...

as far as daycare (since I own one)....

I have 7 different families which I see everyday...and each and everyone is different. I have one family who has a long commute to get the baby to me and DAD does all pick-ups and drop-offs...he also fuels mom's car up every morning and is in charge of the dogs...Mom is def. the head of this house.( I haven't seen her in months) Then I have 3 families who share everyday...one parent picks up and one drops off...so I see both parents each day. (And I can tell you that these are the families that SEEM to have the best relationships) I have one family where dad is in the picture, but I have never seen him, he didn't even show up for the interview...And when I say in the picture and I mean living with mom, married ..the whole nine. Mom scrambles to get her here and takes all my calls if I need to tell her anything...Its sad because you can just tell that she gets no help and its a one sided relationship...she doesn't seem truly happy and the family stories rarely mention dad...

So I think the answer to your question OP is that every family is different...and yours is what it is....if it works or doesn't work for you then only you can fix that....

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