Friday

10 month old baby cries at the pass off.....

Received Friday, June 6, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
I have a question and would like some feedback. I am a live in nanny of a 10 1/2 month old baby boy. I have been with him since he was 8 weeks old. His parents are very, very busy and have hectic work schedules. Some days he doesn't even see them at all. The thing is some mornings when the mother leaves for work and is holding the baby she will pass him off to me and he cries and clings on to her. Trust me, this isn't a jealousy thing its just amazing to me. He barely sees her yet he knows that she is his mother. I am with him all day and a lot of nights yet he cries when she passes him to me. I find this strange. We have a great relationship and have bonded..I get down on the floor and play with him, we have fun, go for walks, I give lots of hugs and kisses, in my opinion I am a great nanny, so its not like we haven't bonded. You would think that a 10 month old that isn't with his mom that much would cry at ME passing him over to her. Has any other nannies had this experience ? Does anyone have any feedback on this. I don't want her to think that he doesn't love me and that I am not good with him..it makes me feel bad when he cries. By the way, it isn't hysterical crying and hes fine after a few seconds as long as I distract him. Whats everyone's take on this?? Lol, am I just being oversensitive or is this normal??

44 comments:

roccos said...

Amazing - that genetic tug - Can't be denied. A child loves their biological parent no matter what.

Anonymous said...

My little grand daughter spent very little time with her mother because she was so sick. Yet when I would have to take her away she would scream and cry for quite a while. They know I guess who Mom is at that age. There has got to be a bond they form while still in the womb. I am sure Mom knows this too and doesn't think you are not good to her baby.

Anonymous said...

Perfectly normal; if you're worried that Mom is bothered by this, have her peek in a window after a couple of minutes when you know the child will have calmed down. Make a routine of saying "bye bye" and waving to Mom, then the child will come to know what to expect.

Anonymous said...

I agree with all of the above. Don't take it personally. Just continue to do a good job and you will reap the benefits later when your baby is older. I am a nanny too...been there done that.

Anonymous said...

she's the mother. no matter what, the bond between mother and child is there.

Anonymous said...

3:43 Children love their adoptive parents too. Biology is not the only answer.

OP of course the child know who his mother is. It is very typical behavior for this age to not like change and want to have his mom around more.

JerseyXJacqui said...

Awww...I doubt the mother thinks the child doesn't like you...I know my charge loves me but if mommy is around, I do not exist (neither does daddy though). The rare occassions that mom stays home when I am working, it's almost impossible to keep my charge occupied unless we leave the house (while we're driving away she's in the backseat, all sad and waving saying "bye mama..bye." so cute and sad all at once)...
I am sure your charge loves you. Don't take it all personally that she clings to mommy.

JerseyXJacqui said...

I meant *AT ALL personally. "ALL PERSONALLY" sounded a little condescending.

Anonymous said...

OP, I know exactly what you mean. I have wondered the same thing myself -- children who spend 90% of their waking time with me, for literally YEARS, yet have that attachment to Mom. That bond isn't necessarily based on who they have more time or more interaction with (me). I know it can't be based on who is "nicer" to them -- I have as good a Nanny as it gets and have complete confidence in how well I treat my charges and how strongly we bond. Yet no matter any of that, there is always some separation anxiety that they go through at a certain age. I don't have any real answers for you, just wanted to chime in that I know exactly what you are asking and I've experienced it myself.

Anonymous said...

"I have as good a Nanny as it gets" should be "I am as good a Nanny as it gets".

D said...

Trust me, it would be worse the opposite way! Every charge I have ever had pref. me to their parents and would cry when I left!

Made the parents feel like crap.
:(

I had to find a way to ease the transition so it went calmly and we could say good-bye with the drama and tears.

It is healthy she cries for her mom a bit and though her mom feels a bit guilty she also feels loved and needed and that is the important thing. Your charge is after all- just fine after a few minutes.

Anonymous said...

Separation anxiety/difficulty with transitions...all normal, normal, normal. Mom is the sun, moon, and stars to a 10 month old. It's no reflection on you at all. I'm sure you're a wonderful nanny. Don't take the little one's crying so personally.

Am I wrong is reading some resentment (amount of time you spend vs. mom spends with baby) and jealousy (baby cries when mom, not you, leaves) between the lines in your post, OP? If so, you need to get a grip on that. If not, then GOOD!

Anonymous said...

OP already stated it wasn't a jealousy thing.

Anonymous said...

Yes, she did. And she also asked if she was being "oversensitive". To me, that would indicate OP is having some emotional reaction to the baby's crying when separated from mom, rather than simply a curiosity about why it happens, given how little time baby spends with mom vs. nanny.

Anonymous said...

I don't think it matters who the baby is with before- mom/nanny/etc.

The baby gets used to one person-
and then has to transition to another. Its a stage - nothing more -nothing less.
That's why the child crys for a bit and then "transitions" to another person.

No biggie...

Anonymous said...

OP here! It is definately not a jealousy thing at all, just something I feel is strange. The baby truly is NEVER with his mom barely even on the weekends. It wouldnt make me feel good if he cried when I handed him off either, it was just an observation . Everyone has made me feel a little better now , so thanks!!!:)

Sue Doe-Nim said...

Aww, you're so sweet.

Transitions are difficult for children up until about age 4.

I hope they don't pay you too much because it sounds like they need to save some money for Junior's therapy fund.

erics mom said...

O.P.

Wow, sounds like your basically working 24/7. You might as well be the mom in this case.

I think its pretty sad, seems like the child is crying because he misses his mom. Since, it sounds like she spends no time with him. What about the father is he involved in the childs life?

Anonymous said...

I think this is normal because he probably knows that once Mom leaves he won't get to see her for a while. I like the idea of waving goodbye at the window once he's happier so she can feel secure. You can also call her during the day with the baby and let him baby talk to her.

Just wait though, in a few months his bond with you will be stronger than ever. He might actually cry when it's time for you to give him back to the mom. It happened to me and it actually feels bad! But it's not your fault and you can't be responsible for that.

Anonymous said...

Around 10 months they start the clinging phase, it isn't uncommon. My 9 month old daughter does this some mornings with her father as I leave her with him for work. They are starting to realize that parents come and go and hopefully these parents can start realizing that while working is good and healthy; that baby boy needs them more than they need that new car.

Anonymous said...

I'm not opposed to working parents, of course - my spouse and I both work. But jeez, at some point it just becomes extreme and sad when you barely ever see your child. I can't help but wonder if it is really necessary to work *such* long hours - these years are precious and won't come back. How can a family (mom/dad/kids) really know each other and build those bonds of support which carry you through life, when during the formative years they are rarely together?

It is just odd, and sad, to think of family situations like this. I'm glad the little guy has a great caregiver, though.

mpp said...

I feel so bad for this little guy.
I really have a hard time understanding why a person would have kids if they aren't done with that "building my career" phase, or whatever it is that keeps them from hardly ever seeing their child. Why not wait until you know you're capable of actually spending some quality time with them?

I'm glad he has you, OP.

Hellcat said...

This isn't relevant to the post, but the discussion about children knowing who their mother's are made me want to post it.
I was adopted by my grandparents. It was a very unofficial, loose adoption that started with me just "visiting grandma and grandpa" for longer and longer periods of time. When I had to go home to my parents I cried and was miserable. When I started to speak, I called my grandparents mom and dad. My biological mother, for the life of her, could not get me to call her mom.. I did call her by her first name. It wasn't long after when my grandparents sought custody.

I guess I didn't like who my parents were so I chose new ones. And lucky for me it worked out! heh. Remarkable.

I still feel no bond to my biological mother, but we always kept in touch and I know she's a great grandma to my son.

mpp said...

That's funny you should mention that Hellcat.
Why is it that some Parents kind of blew it as we were growing up ... but as soon as a little Grandchild comes around, it's like they should win a "Grandparent of the Year" award or something?
My Mom was mediocre at best, but she treats my son like gold.
I mean, he's the sun, the moon and the stars to her.
I guess if she couldn't get it exactly right with me, I should be grateful that she's good to him.

Anonymous said...

When your parents are parents, they think they have their whole lives ahead of them. When they are grandparents, they realize that they are going to get old and need you. So they start treating the grandchildren like gold. Also, I know a lot of bad parents who cant break the cycle of being a bad parent but she knows every day that she is a bad parent, she thinks she will change tomorrow. When your kids have grown up, unless you are a total psycho that raised them in a way that the rest of their life they will suffer aftsrshocks from your care (yes a diagnosis) then they will be free to think for themselves and that means not nodding when you tell them that they are awful but standing up, walking out and saying, "fuck you, you scheming bitch and has been of a mom. thank you for a childhood full of heartache". And just like John Voight who treated Ange's mom like garbage, even he is being allowed back in to Angelina's life. When John told all of America that she was crazy and whacked out, he wasn't feeling as close to meeting the grim reapers as he is now. See, even bad parents zealously fight their way back in to your life, even when they have betrayed you, abused you, broken you and damn near killer your mother.

Anonymous said...

As a single mother, my daughter was raised by day care, I am sad to admit. She was in day care all daya nd with my mother evenings. It always amazed me that she KNEW I was her mother. She would run to me, cling to me, etc.. She is now 10 and we are exremely close and spend all our time together.

mpp said...

12:26
I'm sorry to hear you missed part of your daughters life, but better late than never.
I'm glad you are together now, and the only thing that matters is what your daughter thinks, and she's obviously forgiven the time she missed with you.

Anonymous said...

Forgiven, 12:39? You make it sound like 12:26 was a bad mom because she was a working single mother, while she was probably a much better mom than many neurotic SAHMs dragging themselves through their day. But you are right to talk about forgiveness. All parents need to be forgiven.

UmassSlytherin said...

7:48,
You are way off on mpp's post: she was merely responding to 12:26's feelings of regret that she clearly expressed. She was not calling her a bad mother at all.

mpp said...

Indeed I was not.
Thank you, Umass.
I definately feel for this Mother, and what she's had to go through to get where she is now.
I wouldn't be that cold-hearted.

Anonymous said...

OP here! Just to clarify, this is not a single mother thing. She is married to a VERY wealthy man and lives on the upper east side of Manhattan. She does not have to work.

erics mom said...

Yes, but she probably enjoys having her career. I can't blame her for that. Maybe, if I had a great career I would be working too, at least part-time.
Just wondering if she could work part-time or at least get home at a decent time. And really you shouldn't be waking with the baby during the nite. You need your rest for the next day. She should at least be taking care of the baby at night.
I know your a live-in. But it sounds like your being taken advantage of. If they really can't wake to take care of the child during the nite they should hire a babynurse.

Anonymous said...

This child may be too old for a baby nurse. This LI nanny is just being taken advanyage of, plain & simple. But I don't really hear her complaining about the hours.

So, good luck - I hope everything else works itself out.

JerseyXJacqui said...

I spent my life in daycare and there's nothing wrong with me.

...oh wait...

For real though, when I worked in daycare we had a lot of kids who were there 12 hours a day...but they were extremely close with their parents. We also had a small handful who were also there 12 hours a day and whose parents really couldn't have cared less about them. They would drop them off when we opened and pick them up to the exact minute of closing, even if they were home from work for hours beforehand. Every once in awhile this is fine, but we had some parents who made this a habit. It seemed as though they couldn't be bothered. I'm all for working parents and am actually a huge advocate of daycare and the positive effect is can have on kids...but there is NO excuse for basically turning your children over to one when you're entirely capable of spending time with them.

UmassSlytherin said...

I know this sounds bad, but if I had a cool job working for the Harry Potter movies, even if it was just getting coffee for the actors or cleaning the bathrooms that they use, I would put my child in daycare for 12 hours a day as well.

lucy said...

I am so sure you must be kidding!

JerseyXjacqui said...

Hahah umass. Cleaning the Harry Potter cast bathrooms. Sounds awesome.

UmassSlytherin said...

Lucy,
Like, gag me with a spoon, but I'm like so sure I'm not...

Anonymous said...

Umassslytherin
You have a real problem that needs to be addressed by a psychiatrist.
Don't bother posting back any hate filled idiocy, I won't be checking it.

LindaLou said...

are you kidding 12:40? she's a college kid... @@.

UmassSlytherin said...

12:40,
I don't believe I have ever posted anything on any site that is hate-filled. Not intentionally, anyway. As far as idiocy, that is a relative term.


LindaLou,
I graduated college about ten years ago. Are you saying I'm juvenile? That's correct. There are worse things to be in this world, in my opinion.

JerseyXJacqui said...

12:40, hate filled idiocy? Umass seems pretty easy going and relaxed to me. I've seen her defend herself a couple times, but it was never "hate filled." What are you talking about?

UmassSlytherin said...

Thank you, JJ. You get 15 house points for Ravenclaw. (You seem like a Ravenclaw to me.) :)

Charlie Chan said...

Don't take it personally. Even to this day, my son (16 months old) still clings to his mommy when he's very tired or cranky.

Baby and mommy have a special bond that's there since birth.