Still Angry at the Sound of My Child Left Crying...

Received Tuesday, February 26, 2008-Perspective & Opinion
My regular nanny went home to her family for 7 days and I used a nanny that I am friendly with. The first week went okay. The nanny had been having some pain and went to the emergency room on Friday after she was relieved by my husband. She wasn't admitted, rather was released later that night and told she needed to have follow up tests to see what was wrong with her. She even stopped and filled her own prescription before returning home.
During the weekend, she wasn't really working. My husband told her to take it easy and rest up. We were aware she had a prescription for percocet.

On Monday morning, the nanny mentioned she was in pain but said that she wouldn't take the pill until she put my daughter down for a nap. I didn't give it much thought as I was worried about getting to my job. This is why I was utilizing her services, so I could get to my work as usual and of course she was being compensated for her time. I came home for a break around 12:30 on Monday and heard my daughter crying in her crib. The nanny was asleep in the guest room next to my daughter's, (where she had been staying all week). I was absolutely livid that my daughter had been crying. I pushed open the nanny's door which was ajar and said, "hello"?. The nanny looked at me and said, "She keeps throwing everything out of her crib. I just picked it up and put everything back in". I picked the stuff up she had thrown out of the crib and told her it was naptime and she went to sleep. I went back to work and the day seemed to finish okay. The nanny left last night.

My problem is this. This nanny is not my own nanny, she is someone I see on a regular basis. I just saw her this morning and I am so angry that she allowed my child to cry in her crib, I could only smile a terse smile. I am still paying her but I want to include a note that really documents how disappointed and shocked I was by her mid day nap taking. What do you think?

2/26 PM, 10:30 PM Thank you all for your perspective. I wasn't thinking at all of her and now I regret that. In my head I was thinking, I only needed her for these seven days, she should be here for me. The crying in itself was not a bad thing. I think I just walked in at the wrong moment. And I let other stressful situations going on in my life overwhelm me and affect the way I treated another person, a person I have genuine regard for. Again, thank you for your perspective. If you are wondering what I have decided, I am going to attach a note with her money and it will be thanking her for sticking it out with me when she wasn't feeling her best. -OP


Anonymous said...

I am sorry, but this doesn't seem like such a huge deal. She is temporary and you don't have to like her that long. She didn't hit your child or abuse her or particularly neglect her. Your other one will be back soon. I assume you like her.

Anonymous said...

I think you're way out of line. Why was your baby being cared for by a nanny who was in pain and taking strong pain pills? You knew about it; why didn't you make other arrangements?

It sounds like the nanny did exactly what she said she was going to do - take a pain pill when your child took her own nap. Your child was hurt how? Nanny told you what she planned to do, you didn't object, your baby cried while safely in her crib.

You were the irresponsible one, not the nanny. Kick yourself in the backside, and forget about documenting the nanny's "neglect" of your child. You have no right to complain when you knew exactly what she planned to do.

I'm all for bashing lousy nannies, but where do you get off? You made the choice, but then nanny gets the blame? How sleazy can you get?

Anonymous said...

Ever take percocet or another heavy narcotic for pain? They are powerful meds and not everyone will react the same way to them. Sometimes, based on other factors, the same person might have different reaction to the meds. They might effect them some days more than others.

Your nanny TOLD you what she was going to do. Your line says it all "I didn't give it much thought as I was worried about getting to my job" Judging from the tone of your post, you are well aware that percocet is a strong narcotic pain killer. So I must ask you...why the HELL would you leave a child young enough to sleep in a crib with a person that is in enough pain to be on a perscription narcotic? When the hell will you parents begin to put your kids before your careers? What if the nanny had passed out or worse? You said she needed further tests, so who knows what could have been wrong? Don't you think, when the safety of your child is on the line, you should err on the side of caution and STAY HOME WITH YOUR KID???? Sorry ladym if you want to be pissed at someone be pissed at yourself. Just say it again out loud so you hear yourself..."I didn't give it much thought as I was worried about getting to my job"

linda said...

I don't think that the hard tone aginst you OP is okey, although I agree with the fact that you should have chosen another nanny for your child. I am a nanny myself and was sometimes forced to work because the parents were out on party etc when I was very sick, and we nannies are no superheroes.. sometimes you just aren't able to take care of a child as you usually would be. Next time it would probably be a good idea to make sure that your nanny is feeling OK no matter how stressed and busy you are..
However, I don't agree with the person who wrote a comment at 3.25. Maybe it's because I'm not American, but I really can't understand why you are so mean to working mothers.. I don't see any problem with parents working as long as they still have time to be with their children.

(sorry for all spelling and grammar mistakes... my English isn't the best)

mom said...

Linda makes a good point.
You made the mistake here OP, not nanny. Quit being angry and be thankful nothing bad happened to your daughter. A little crying isn't the end of the world...but the nanny could have potentially had a serious health emergency while caring for her, so you all got off lucky. Live and learn, but don't blame nanny.

Haven't you ever been so sick that you couldn't take perfect care of your child? I have. You just sort of survive through the day as best you can, trying just to keep the kids safe and fed...and although it isn't a particularly fun day for anybody, nobody is the worse for it afterward either.

Haven't you ever been in the shower or bathroom when your daughter started crying and you couldn't go to her immediately? She'll be just fine.

Anonymous said...

Linda I am 3:25, I am a working mother as well who puts her kids ahead of everything else. OP took a hard enough tone against the nanny, Thought I'd give her some back, especially since her anger is misplaced.

Anonymous said...

What is this?
"She even stopped and filled her own prescription before returning home."
Are you suggesting that she was therefor okay?\Maybe she wasn't and she just didn't want to put you out!

Anonymous said...

Who is going to document for your child how disappointing and shocking it was for you to leave him/her with someone who you knew was going to take narcotics?

Jen said...

OP, you're the one out of line here. You knew that you were going with a caregiver option that was not going to be 100% on her game -- a person in pain taking strong narcotics. You blithely left your child with this caregiver, happy in the morning to accept without question what corners might have to be cut because you needed to get to work. Now that the urgency of getting to work on time has worn off, you've decided to be upset about those cut corners.

It's as though you went to a restaurant and were told by the host that service would be subpar because half of the waitstaff had called in, but you were hungry so you decided to eat anyway. Then you held a grudge after the meal because it took a long time for your food to come out.

Altered circumstances deliver altered results. A suffering person taking a narcotic is not going to be johnny-on-the-spot with the toy retrieval when a baby is having difficulty going down for a nap.

if you cared that much about the chance that your baby might be left to cry in her crib for any length of time, you should have found an alternate caregiver. You knew what you were getting when you went to work Monday morning.

just anonymous said...

I would just move on from the situation. There's nothing you can do now (except for stop using her services, which I assume you already have).
Those type of medicines should not be taken while at work, however, the nanny was upfront and told you she was going to be taking them, so there's nothing else you can do.
Crying is not a bad thing for kids. Perhaps she is a nanny in favor of the 'cry out' method. If you are not a fan you should have told her so from the beginning. Crying is a stress reliever, and perhaps with you being a workaholic your baby had some stress that she was able to relieve.

Anonymous said...

You, as the parent, should have thought. The nanny told you honestly she was in pain and taking meds- if you would a parent and a good boss- you would have at least asked her if she was up to working or maybe let the nanny have a couple days to get better. DUH!!!

Anonymous said...

5:17,OP couldn't have done that, because that would have meant she would have to think of something other than herself and her needs. Not her kid's, and certainly not her nanny's! OP is lucky the only problem wasn't a problem at all, that your kid cried a little bit.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the nanny indicated that she could handle things and therefore, the OP thought all would be well.

Adria said...

I don't think you're going to get many positive responses towards you in this post.

That being said!
Your daughter likely isn't used to the replacement nanny that came in, while your regular one was away. She obviously NEEDED a nap and it sounds like the nanny figured the kid wasn't going to go down easily so she'd have to up her game a bit. It doesn't sound like your nanny was sleeping. She was likely dozing (painkillers make you feel super dizzy, most of the time as well.) You said "hello?" when you arrived and she commented that she'd just gone to put everything back in your daughter's crib.
Was she hurt? Were her eyes swollen shut from screaming? No. The nanny sounds like she felt wretched (which you WERE aware of.) and needed to lie down..which she also informed you of. It's obvious you know what she was taking and its reaction, so why leave your daughter with her?

"I am still paying her."
YES! And you should be. She was there to take care of your daughter while you were pre occupied rushing off to work. You sound like you want to punish and discipline this poor nanny like you would a child. You were aware that she was in pain and that she'd be drugged.

Plus, you said you WENT BACK TO WORK and let her finish her day. If you are so damn concerned and angry that your kid had to cry for a whole ten minutes, why not tell the nanny to take the rest of the day off and you stay at home?

How passive aggressive of you to write her a note about how disappointed you were, rather than just telling her to her face. You sound like a mom-zilla. If your kid means the world to you, you should have called into work and taken care of her yourself. I have nothing against working mothers at ALL. I encourage it.. but there are situations where putting your kid first shouldn't be an issue.

My boss was a working mother.. she was busy and always had something going on. There were occasions in which missing work was NOT an option. But! If I were to come to work and clearly state that I was in pain, on narcotics and the doctor didn't know what was wrong with me? She would send me home paid and take the day off. Why? For the safety of HER child but also because I can guarantee she would be concerned about me.

If this had been your regular nanny, would you have at least had the tact and heart to be worried? Rather than get pissed because she had to close her eyes for a few minutes?

Anonymous said...

I agree with other commenters. If the nanny was w/in hearing distance of your child, (had a monitor on) and knew that there was nothing wrong with your daughter (she was just having a hard time falling asleep) then I don't see the problem unless this is something you had previously spoken with her about. I, as a nanny, would not take prescription medicine while at work, but under the circumstances if she had permission from you or your husband to do so then I would have waited until your daughter was asleep to take the medicine.
Unless you had previously voiced your concerns about letting your daughter "cry it out", I really don't think you have a basis to be angry.

alex said...

I agree with the other posters. I first do not think your child should have been left with the nanny. The nanny did tell you that she was on the medicine and was not feeling well. She may have told you because she wanted you to try to find a replacement, not keep using her.

Also, has your child never cried when you were watching her? She was probably crying because she didn't want to take a nap and I am sure she has done that for you before. Just because she is crying does not mean that she has been abused. Children cry and sometimes for no reason at all. I don't know how asleep the nanny could have been since she spoke to you right away. She may have just had her eyes closed since she said, "she keeps throwing her toys out." That makes me think that your nanny was letting her cry it out because she kept throwing the toys out of the crib.

I think you are making a much bigger deal over the crying and too little a deal over the fact that you left your child with someone who obviously did not feel well and let you know that.

Anonymous said...

OP, you are 100% wrong. You should have been a human being and told the nanny to go home and rest. Jeez. You're mad at her? She was in pain and on medication. This is what sick days are for and you should have stayed home with your child.

LindaLou said...

You should not have left your child in the care of someone who was on narcotics.

cali mom said...

Not much left to say that hasn't been said but yeah...OP has apparently never had to take strong pain meds, or else thinks that no one else should be affected by them. Again OP, you KNEW nanny was having medical issues, (undiagnosed even, which should be a signal that someone may be in danger and you should be concerned for their welfare), and KNEW she was in pain and having to take pain meds and thought nothing of it until after you heard your daughter cry and found nanny with her eyes closed.

Just curious how you'd like to be "reprimanded" by someone for allowing your daughter to cry in her crib at naptime for a few minutes if you were in severe pain and stress from an undiagnosed medical problem, and had had to take pain medication.

Think about the possible consequences next time before leaving your baby with someone who could potentially have a medical emergency while on duty. And blame no one but YOURSELF if you agree to such a dangerous situation and it results in disaster.

Kate in CO said...

OP.....you put your job before your child.....unbelievable. I could never and WOULD never leave my baby in the care of someone on drugs......yes, on drugs. She is taking a narcotic. What the heck did you think was going to happen???? And YOU'RE mad at HER. Wow.

Anonymous said...

First, do not immediatly discount everyone on a narcotic pain killer. Those that are in true pain do not get "high" from the drug and actually feel well enough to function normally in society. Since it sounds like the nanny was only taking one temporarily it would probably impair her. But if someone with a chronic condition took one regularly they would still be capable of doing their job.

But, seriously OP? Your daughter was crying in her crib???? Last time I checked, kids cry. I can't imagine she was that traumatized by having to cry in her crib. She was obviously safe, in her room, in her crib. The nanny responded as soon as you walked in so its not like she was totally passed out. She was just laying down.

Your kid is not going to die from not getting what they wanted immediatly for once.

I disagree with the posters that said you were wrong to go to work. You had someone to make sure your baby wasn't seriously injured. Maybe it wouldn't be the best play day of her life but she would live, and she did.

Anonymous said...

This was just a temp job for this nanny. She could easily have said she couldn't come in after all, but she didn't. She came to work, in pain, and probably with a lot of anxiety about what was wrong. She didn't leave you in the lurch, as many (understandably) would.
If you are going to write her a note let me suggest:
Dear Nanny,
Thank you so much for helping me out in my emergency. I know how hard it must have been. I hope your medical problem will prove not to be serious, and wish you a speedy recovery.

Sarah and Mitch said...

OP, Consider tipping her as well, out of the goodness of your heart. Unless you are certain she has medical insurance from some other means, most nannies DO NOT have insurance at all. And that means she would have had to pay out of pocket for her entire ER experience and very expensive prescription medicine.

Not something you have to do, but a nice gesture from somebody who is thinking of her in a time where maybe nobody else is. (BTW, I would never expect this of an employer, but after reading your update the thought occured to me, and I thought I would share)

§marypoppin'pills§ said...

Not much I can add since you left an Update, and I'm glad to hear you changed your feelings about the situation.

I just wanted to say that I was impressed by a lot of the posts here, especially Jens/4:31 (loved your comparison!) and Anonymous/10:23, mainly because you are absolutely correct in your comment about Narcotic usage and some people don't realize that if you have a patient taking it on a regular basis, it isn't going to affect them in the way it would someone who isn't used to it. This Nanny was probably left feeling pretty drowsy because she hadn't been taking it regularly.

I hope your Nanny is doing better, OP.

just anonymous said...

OP-Thank you for the update. I take back my snarky comment. Sorry!

mom said...

Yes OP, that takes a big person to humble yourself the way you have...especially after the "beating" you took here.

We all make mistakes, but you sound like a nice person who just needed to get another perspective...and were open minded enought to listen to it when it was probably exactly the opposite reaction from what you expected to get.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update OP, we all need a reality check sometimes!

Anonymous said...

I had to take Oxycodone for severe knee pain last night and could not do my nanny job today. I was way too drowsy. It is about 1:30 and it is finally starting to wear off after I took it at 8:00 p.m. last night.
Meds effect everyone differently and I just think it was not a good idea for her to take the pain med at her nanny job. She probably should have stayed home.

Anonymous said...

This is 2:28. I meant it was about 1:30 p.m. the following day after I took the medication at 8:00 p.m. the night before.

tt said...

except that the nanny in this case was staying with the OP to work for her on a short term live in basis.

Anonymous said...

And I'm on the other side of the spectrum.
I am a chronic pain patient and I take oxycodone 6 times a day to relieve back pain.
I've been on it for about 5 yrs. now, and although it helps, I do not get high from it. I have been taking it too long and my system has gotten used to it.
I function just fine and do not get drowsy.