This could have been a stepmother, but after speaking to her, I am more inclined to THINK it was a nanny. Here is what happened. I was at Kid's (indoor) Playground at around 11:30 AM
They were sitting at a red table. They sat down with their food right next to us. The adult didn't have food but the two children did. The little girl didn't like her food so she wanted to try the 8 year old's pizza. The 8 year old moved hers away and the adult oinked at her. Oinked at her. Then the 5 yr old started oinking at her too and calling her a pig. The 8 yr old looked hurt, said she wasn't a pig and offered to share with the 5 year old. The five year old decided she wanted the whole piece of pizza and the 8 year old could have hers. The 8 year old started to say it wasn't fair. She said something like, "but she picked that". Then the adult did this big long snort in, a long drawn out oink. I thought it was pretty reprehensible, but did nothing at this point.
1/2 hour or so later I was nearing the rock wall with my 7 year old. The 8 year old girl was off to one side while the 5 year old was holding the adult's hand. The adult whispered something to the 5 yr old and she went skipping over to the 8 year old and said, "I have to tell you something". The 5 yr old got the 8 yr old to lean down, when she leaned down, her hair fell forward and the 5 year old pulled on it, no yanked on it. The 5 year old started laughing (one of the worst child's laughs I have ever heard in my life). The 8 year old had a look on her face that was like 'how much more do I have to take'. Seriously sad. I was now within five feet of the adult who said at that time, "oh poor baby", in a mocking way with a smile on her face.
I don't say anything to the adult. The five year old is now back at her feet. I give the adult my death glare. She looks at me and says, "Problem".
I say, "Excuse me".
She says, "Do you have a problem?"
I stumble. Not expecting this. I say, "No, no problem. I just don't find your humor at all amusing"
She says, "Oh is that a fact".
I just smile. My daughter is now half in and half out a tunnel. She looks at my daughter's backside and says, "Oh I can see why you wouldn't". My daughter is about 1o pounds overweight. I didn't say anything. I have to admit I wasn't expecting that and while I wish I would have had a snappy retort for her nasty comment, I didn't.
But if you employ this VILE, VILE person, please fire her. And fire her in such a way that it hurts.
And if this woman is the stepmom to your child, well best of luck WITH THAT.
61 comments:
what a heartbreaking post! i feel like crying for the 8 year old! that poor girl is in for years of therapy when she gets older!
As someone who was labeled as a child and told she wouldn't amount to anything, I know from personal experience that these comments hurt. Anyway you can find out if this is a nanny and not the stepmother?
I'm so sorry for you. And I dare anyone to jump on you for not doing more.
All this beastly Nanny did was to make you a victim, also.
I think you did the best you could, which is more than some people can say. Not everyone expects to be insulted by a stranger, and it does throw them off-guard.
I would keep a look out for this pig and write down a license plate or something next time. I can tell you are angry and I doubt you are going to just let it go.
Make sure you tunnel your anger productively for this child so you can help her.
Good luck and let us what happens.
What a deranged, sick bitch. I can't believe she stooped to such a low. Don't let someone this mentally ill make you feel bad. If you ever see her again, try to get some identifying info so you can notify the child's parents, this is so wrong.
Shedevil does sound like a stepmother, probably to the eight year old but real mom to the other child.
That's what I was going to guess... if she isn't the nanny, she is probably step mom to 8 year old and the 4 year old is the child she has with the 8 yo's dad.
I have done temp work for a lot of older (I mean 40s as opposed to 20s or 30s) parents with toddlers. Usually turns out that one or both parents has children who are around 10 or so from previous marriages. As these other kids are never there (who knows why) and the young, new child from the new relationship is getting completely doted on (and every room in the house has toys and items dedicated to the baby and the older kids have all their stuff in one room; much fewer pictures of them) it seems they are more valued or something. It's just odd.
It makes more sense to me that it would be a stepmom because the 8yo would be less likely to inform a parent of the behavior if it was the stepmom than if it was just the nanny.
If they are like this in public I cannot imagine what that poor girl endures at home. I can't imagine she has a very pleasant life. I can never understand how people can be so horrific to children.
I have a feeling the stats on the harm done to stepchildren by stepparents would be telling.
You clearly made up the part where you say she looked at your daughter's backside and said "Oh I can see why you wouldn't". Other than that, heartbreaking post. I hope the therapy bill for that girl in 5 years cuts into that evil woman's standard of living.
606 is an ass. Why would anyone make that up?
And how is that "clearly"
6:06, you are a big dope.
Dear Jane, Do you have any stats on FG's comment? Do you know about stats on harm done to stepchildren by stepparents? Maybe there is a psychologist lurking on this site who can enlighten us? I would love to know more about this. Thanks.
I agree, this sounds like the stepmom of the older child, biomom of the younger. A stepmother from a scary fairy tale. The eight year old would surely tell her parents if this were a nanny.
OP, good for you for speaking up. I hope the 8 yo heard you!
I'm not trying to be an ass but I got the feeling this whole post was made up...not sure why, just a feeling.
Anyway, I pray it is made up and that no child is actually going through this.
I just don't see why anyone would make up ANY of this. This is so sad.
I'd go back regularly to the place and see if you run into her or the girls again. Could you ask the reception people there if they know her or her name, and maybe tell them what you saw or say you think you used to go to school with her and forgot her name or something? I dunno, just something, ANYthing to find out more about who this vile person is. And I'd also suspect it was the stepmom.
I wonder if it is the stepchild, do you think the father of this child has any idea? Just wondering if she watches what she says around him. Who knows maybe, he comes on this site, and will recognize his evil wife, and give her the boot.
Shes making fun of this child, but what if her biological daughter in a couple of years becomes overweight. Is she going to make fun of her too? Or will her daughter grow-up with an eating disorder. Or a distorted view of the female body. Makes you wonder...what damage shes doing to her own daughter as well.
sadly what if she is the bio mom of both children?!? it is possible and that is horrible!! Either way, this is horrible and no child deserves that just because they may be over weight. And for children, them being overweight isn't really their fault.
So so sad. The youngest may turn out just like her mom, makes me wonder what happened to that woman to turn her into such a beast. At 8years old it is devastating to have to feel like you are not good enough because you actually believe it. It's true, I know, because I went through a similar thing. I was made to believe I was ugly though, not overweight. And I thought I was ugly for years. I overcompensated for it with bad behavior, sex and drugs at a young age. Trusting terrible men because I thought they thought I was beautiful. Not until well into my 20's did I finally understand that I was beautiful. I have a very attractive, although uncommon, face. It is a face that my husband loves. And of course my daughter tells me how beautiful I am every day! Too bad I had to endure all that pain stemming from an individual's mental illness, directed at an innocent child. To think you have to look like anyone else to be good enough is so terrible, but to teach this to children is unforgivible, and evil.
8:00
You are not trying to be an ass. You are an ass.
Are you blind? Can you not see how upset OP is, especially in her last paragraph? And why would she make up that someone insulted her daughter?
Ocassionally my radar to a fake post goes up ... not this one.
I also worry about an eating disorder. The same thing happened to me when I was about 9 or 10. I was in ballet, had been since I was 3 and loved it very much. My mom took me out because I had gained a couple of pounds and she didn't want the embarrassment. She teased me and called me fat all the time. (She said she thought it would "shame" me into losing weight).
She's really happy now that I am a slim and beautiful blonde.
The cost:
I am a cutter, I have lost all my teeth from vomiting because I am bulimic and had to spend thousands to painfully reconstruct them, and my hair falls out in clumps (hair extentions).
I am scared that I am going to have a heart attack and i am only in my 30's.
Yes. Thanks, mom.
I think step mom too.
I had an evil stepmonster like that...nice in front of my dad...unless she had something she could pass off as sounding like she was intending to give a "compliment" that actually made my sister and me look bad instead. Since it looked like a "foot in mouth" accident, he never knew she was intending to be mean, but we did. And just in case we didn't, the evil smile she would give made it clear. She treated her own two daughters like they were golden. Occasionally something would happen where my dad would catcher her being mean..or we would tell him something she had said ordone...and he would get really mad at her and make her apologize immediately...which only made her more mad when he was gone. She bought tons of stuff for her girls and got mad at my dad any time he spent money on us.
But ha ha ha, she cooked her own goose with her evil ways and unbridled greed. When he was finally on to her sick games, my dad left her. She got a lot of money out of it...but she's blown through it all now, and dad continues to live in grand style...blissfully rid of her...and shaking his head at wondering what he ever saw in her to begin with.
Oh I WISH there was some way you could find out who this girl's father is. It would be nice to see this evil, abusive witch lose her meal ticket just like that. And dad might stand a good chance at getting the 5 year old from her too, since she is abusive.
I can't speak to step parent stats because my stepmother was my salvation. My own mother was abusive, berating, competed with me for the attention of boy's from the time I was 11 and sent me off to school everyday after planting a carefully timed insult in my ear. My hair, posture, eyes, eyebrow, hair legs (wasn't allowed to shave though).
When I walked down the aisle it was with my father and stepmother. Mom was there but she was too busy looking for a way to steal my limelight to notice me.
Kisling V Allison
Mother began exhibiting hostility toward Father when he and Step-Mother began dating seriously and got married. Mother's own expert witness, Dr. Joanne Armstrong, (3) testified Mother is consumed with anger toward Father and Step-Mother. Mother does not handle visitation exchanges well. She has quarreled with Father in Jessica's presence, where she called him a liar, cursed at him, and threatened to sue him for sexual harassment.Mother's problems with Step-Mother have also been extreme. Mother admitted feeling intimidated by Step-Mother's relationship with Jessica. Mother insisted Step-Mother not engage in activities with Jessica such as cooking, fingernail painting, and bathing. She once accused Step-Mother of being evil, deceitful, and trying to take Jessica away from her. Mother has threatened Step-Mother and once issued a trespass notice against her. Based upon this Court's review of the record, Step-Mother does not appear to be the source of these difficulties. Mother says she is no longer shaken by Step-Mother's presence and influence, but admittedly does nothing to encourage Jessica's relationship with her. Additionally, there is evidence that Mother has discouraged Jessica from visiting Father. In some instances, Mother emotionally manipulated Jessica by allowing Kendall to call Jessica at Father's to tell her she misses her. Mother has attempted to limit Father and Step-Mother's access to Jessica at school functions, publically insisting Jessica spend time with her rather than them. These episodes clearly show Mother is daunted not only by Step-Mother's relationship with Jessica, but by Father's relationship with her as well.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
"Not all abuse is physical. Neglecting your child's needs for emotional support, love and caring is also a form of abuse. Emotional abuse is one of the most pervasive and damaging forms of child abuse. Belittling, ridiculing, name calling, and being disrespectful and unreasonably critical toward your youngster can have serious emotional consequences and long-term repercussions. Like more violent forms of abuse, emotional abuse can impair your child's self-image and self-esteem and interfere with his ability to function well in society. He may have difficulty making friends and relating to peers. In fact, he may avoid participating in activities with other children, and being in situations in which he's required to give and receive affection. Instead, he may be prone to being aggressive and oppositional. He might also develop learning difficulties or hyperactivity or have problems such as bed-wetting or soiling. Or he might act "pseudomature," becoming a caretaker for adults and others far beyond roles appropriate for his age and development.
When this emotional abuse occurs, especially repeatedly over an extended period of time, it can have a lifelong impact, affecting a youngster's happiness, relationships and success. He may become somber, unable to enjoy himself, and prone to self-defeating behaviors. At the extreme, he can become self-destructive, engaging in self-mutilation and even attempting suicide.
As with other types of abuse, emotional abuse is often inflicted by parents who themselves were raised in an environment where they experienced emotional mistreatment by their own mothers and fathers. Being made aware of the way they are treating their children is an important first step for these parents in bringing their abusive behavior to a halt. Often they are not conscious that their behavior is damaging; if they knew what they were doing and were more sensitive to their child's pain, they would probably want to do something to stop it.
Visiting a physician or a clergyman is a good way to start looking for help with emotional abuse. You might be referred to a mental-health professional or to community organizations or churches that offer parenting classes aimed specifically at helping you talk to and problem-solve with your child. "
Excerpted from Caring for Your School-Age Child: Ages 5 to 12, Bantam 1999
"Breaking The Silence: Children's Stories" web site.
This documentary is about the children who have spoken out about abuse they have experienced in their abusive fathers' households. It also addresses how a favored weapon of fathers' rights activists - Parental Alienation Syndrome - is junk science that does not belong in a court room. Fathers' rights activists are very threatened by this documentary, and they have pulled out all the stops in their relentless efforts to attack it. My web site corrects the misrepresentations circulated by Glenn Sacks and other fathers' rights activists about the documentary and Sadiya Alilire and Fatima Loeliger.
These are the new pages:
Testimony Of Fatima Loeliger, Part I. She states having been in and out of court since she was very young. She's been in court for nearly fifteen years. She describes verbal and emotional abuse from her father and step-mother, and states she wants to live with her mother.
Testimony Of Fatima Loeliger, Part II. Shows that she was living in foster care per her fathers' wishes. She describes verbal and emotional abuse from her father and step-mother, and states she wants to live with her mother.
Fatima Loeliger's Second Response - To Documentation Circulated By Her Father, Which Appears On Glenn Sacks's Web Site. She addresses claims made about her and her mother on Glenn Sacks's web site. She says that she has never been abused by her mother, contrary to documentation posted on Sacks's site. Her mother is not a drug addict. She describes her father repeating calling Child Protective Services, claiming that her mother was abusing her. She also states that her father placed her in foster care when she stated she wanted to live with her mother. She ran away from her fathers' home. She described physical and emotional abuse in her fathers' household. She describes how her father tried to get people form the cult-like Rachel Foundation to talk to her when she stated she wanted to live with her mother. She states having been in and out of court since she was very young. She's been in court for nearly fifteen years. She describes verbal and emotional abuse from her father and step-mother, and states she wants to live with her mother. She lives with her mother now. She says she wants the custody battle to stop so she can live out her remaining couple of years like a normal teenager before she graduates from high school.
Abuse Risk Seen Worse as Families Change...
“I’ve seen many cases of physical and sexual abuse that come up with boyfriends, stepparents,” said Eliana Gil, clinical director for the national abuse-prevention group Childhelp.
“It comes down to the fact they don’t have a relationship established with these kids,” she said. “Their primary interest is really the adult partner, and they may find themselves more irritated when there’s a problem with the children.”
That was the case with Jayden Cangro.
In July 2006, his mother’s boyfriend, Phillip Guymon, hurled the 2-year-old nine feet across a room in Murray, Utah, because he balked at going to bed. The child died from his injuries.
Jayden’s mother, Carly Moore, has undergone therapy since the killing. Yet she continues to second-guess herself about her two-year relationship with Guymon.
“There’s so much guilt,” she said in a telephone interview. “I never saw him hit my kids, ever. But he was gruff in his manner — there were signs that he wasn’t most pleasant person for kids to be around.”
9:56 pm you need to get off the computer and get some serious help.
)=
I feel indescribably horrible for this poor little girl, and even more so, because I can relate.
As for the few of you who think this is fake, I have to wonder why? You can't be so naive as to believe events like this don't happen in the real world. Or so starved for attention yourselves that you think another is as needy, and would make such cruelty up (even regarding their own child, which had to have hurt!) People, instead of being so pessimistic, and paranoid, accept that unfortunately bad things happen every day, and attempt to be a part of the solution rather than the problem.
I did grow up with an abusive step mother (my mom passed when I was young) my father had no idea (her attempts at being an angel in front of him and only using *whoops* back handed insults-she deemed compliments always worked, and my father still to this day remains blinded by his love for her.) By the time I moved out at 18 years old, I was severely depressed and being treated for anorexia. Everything was a competition to my step mother and all I wanted and desperately craved was her acceptance, love and attention. Prior to my fathers marriage with this woman I had won a modeling competition/contract and was placed in several Television commercials, I did after school activities, and was on the honor roll at the top of my class. After their marriage and her constant tirade of attacks and abuse on me I begin failing classes, stopped acting/modeling, and became sickly and dangerously underweight. At the age of 24 I am still struggling with my confidence and just not finally getting my life back together. I am finally at a healthy weight again and have continued on with my acting career and graduated from College as of recently, but years of therapy still loom ahead of me.
When your guardian is your abuser, and the person you are supposed to be able to turn to for safety is the one you needed safety from it does irreplaceable damage to your soul. I pray this little girl's father sees the light and protects her from this monster!
I just want to go grab that poor baby up and love on her like nothing else. It completely breaks my hear to think of this ever happening to a child!
These are some really sad stories. I guess we can see by example what verbal abuse can do to a kid.
It can affect them all the way into adulthood ... and some of these people who should never have been allowed to be around children have no idea the damage they are causing them ... or if they do, couldn't care less about them.
What a horrible bitch! When the younger girl grows up with a nice eating disorder and the older girl has horrible self esteem, we'll know who to blame. I hope, hope, HOPE, its a nanny not a step mom because a nanny is much easier to dispose of.
9:56, and you are one nasty bitch. Just because YOUR radar didn't go up, doesn't mean it can't be a false posting. So screw you.
I am well aware there are horrible people in this world and some of them are parents, but I just got a feeling about this post that's all. I tried to be nice about it. Are some of you so naive that you think everything posted here is real?
Anyway like I said earlier, I would like nothing more than it ot be fake so some poor child is not really going through this.
Looks like 9:56 was correct all along--you ARE an ass.
OK, I'll "come out" just a little more...
My mom was also like some of the moms I am reading about this morning...not when I was younger (which is what I think saved my mind and allowed me to end up being "normal")but during and after their divorce, and even now. Although I do have a memory form when I was seven of myself always yelling into the house before I left to walk to school, "Bye mom. I love you." She never said it back. (And thinking about it now I realize for the first time that she also never even came to the door to tell me goodbye, or I wouldn't have had to yell it into the house.) But this one day, she answered. But she didn't say "i love you" back to me. What she said was, "Quit telling me you love me all the time." I can remember being confused. I asked why. She yelled from the other room, "Because I read in a magazine that kids who do that all the time are insecure." I thought to myself, at age seven, "If that's true, shouldn't she care more about my being insecure than she is about having to be reminded of it?" So, onviously the seeds were there even early on.
Anyway, she used to tell me repeatedly, as in a declaration, that my dad's new wife was NOT my stepmother (fine by me, 'cause she was evil anyway.) I would be punished for spending time at his house. Several times she grabbed me and tangled her hands up into the undersides of my hair where it REALLY hurts and dragged me to the front door by my hair, tossed me out by my hair, locked the door behind me and left me sitting there until she felt I had paid my penalty. (This was the typical punishment for not joining her in badmouthing my dad, telling her personal details of his life and marriage, or for simply not hating him as she did. As she would be dragging me she would be yelling, "You think he's so GD wonderful! You even look just like him! You make me sick! Go live with him!" (Of coures I couldn't do that b/c of stepmonster.) She would lay in bed day after day, threatening suicide, and make me stay by her side night and day to "save" her. But she made me go to school anyway. I didn't want to because I was scared she would be dead when I got home. When I begged her not to "do it" while I was at school (She kept a supply of single edged razor blades in view at all times), she would say, "Maybe I'll be dead when you get home and maybe I won't. Now go to school and have a nice day and don't worry about me." I never knew whether I should walk home fast after school to maybe save her if there was still time, or to walk slower, so I could have a few extra minutes before finding her body. I couldn't get help because she said if I told anybody she would kill herself for sure. I remember wishing somebody would accidentally "find out" so they could help, and that way, even if she did kill herself because of if, at least it wouldn't then be "my fault" for telling. Of course, I never had time to do my homework, or any ability to concentrate in class, so all of my teachers thought I was a "bad seed" and treated me with disdain. The school finally called her in when I started failing my classes. (I had been an honor student, all A's, all of my life, and had been put on a program by the "gifetd students counselor" intended to gain me entrance to Stanford...and now I was suddenly failing in everything.) When the counselor showd us the shocking change in my grades, attendance and impressive truancy record, she said that this doesn't usually happen unless something bad is going on at home. I was so relieved, thinking I would now get some help...until mom looked me dead in the eyes before telling the counselor, "No. Nothing wrong at home. I have no idea what's wrong with her." The counselor then tried endlessly to probe me, but, of course, I had to sit there and lie. I wanted to crack, but I didn't want to be the one to "kill" my mother. I think that was the lowest point of all. All of my hope disappeared at that moment.
Meanwhile, my sister, who was younger and more impressionable, bought all of mom's "dad doesn't care about you at all" crap, and soon joined mom in her dad bashing mentality. Also, sis looks just like mom and not much like dad...which, as I said, was one of my worst crimes. For all of this, sis gained the place of queen of the house. Both she and mom took to treating me the way OP describes the 8 year old in this post as being treated...together...snickering at their "victories" over me, and then slininkg off together to spend "quality time." I learned to hide all traces of feeling from them...and eventually to hide them even from myself...so as not to give them the "satisfaction" they so enjoyed. Bad move, because they only escalated to where they needed to be in order to see the hurt. Mom told me, and even several adults (in front of me) how my sister was her favorite child. She told me repeatedly that my sister was prettier than me...and if I didn't immediately affirm her declaration, she would make me say it. She would say, "You know it's true right? RIGHT? Let me hear you say it. Let me hear oyou say that oyu know she's prettier than you." My sister and her friends were all allowed to wear all of my clothes, jewelery and perfume without my permission...and did. If I complained, mom would say, "It's HER house. She can do as she wants and if you don't like it, you are welcome ot leave. Sis always would be on hand to deliver her hateful smile (I can SO see the expression OP describes the step mom and 5 year old giving that girl!)
Once my sister GAVE me a sweater that she hated and I liked. Mom had a huge fit when she saw me wearing it. She started screaming, "Take that off now!!! it belongs to your sister!!!" I told her it had been given to me and my sister even confirmed that she didnt like it and didn't want it. Mom kept screaming that I could NOT have my sister's sweater. Sister, and Mom's boyfriend, who happened to be there, both were telling her she was being irrational. Then came the words that I still can hardly comprehend, "I will not have 'Suzy's' clothing touching 'Sally's' body!" (As if I was somehow "infected" or something.) Anyway, the insults are too numerous to mention here. She told me repeatedly that the only reason she allowed me to even be inside "THEIR" house was because my dad paid her to keep me, but that the minute I was 18 and he stopped paying, I was out of there so fast "my head would be spinning." Sure enough, when I eneterd college and would call home, she first would scream into the phone, "Do not call me. You have no mother. You have been disowned," and slam the phone down. Still, for some odd reason I have always wanted a "mom," so I didn't give up. (I think I held onto the good times..and, yes, there we some of those too...and was willing to endure most anything for a chance at another one of those.) I kept on calling her anyway. She moved on to "I release you!" before slamming down the phone, and eventually just hung up immediately every time she heard my voice. Eventually she sofetned, but the "well timed" insults remained. I was "allowed" to be at their home again...but there was a price. The insiults continued (Hey, it was better than being outcast and having no family at all, at least in my mind at the time), and I had to make myself useful...usually by cleaning, doing the dishes, or whatever she told me to do on my visits.
She flatly refused to help me with anything to do with my wedding...but did manage to make the rounds at the wedding, I later heard, telling everybody who would stand still long enough, how much work it was to put the wedding together and how I could not have pulled it off without her endless help and sacrifice.
Funny, all the while everybody on the outside thought she was the best mother. And, as somebody mentioned above, I became more of the parent...taking care of and protecting her, so I would never have dreamed of letting on that she was anything other than what she portrayed herself to be. Last year a cousin of mine said to me how everybody in the family so admired my parents for how maturely they conducted their divorce and how they managed to always put us girls first through it all. I thought for a split second about telling her the truth...but old habits die hard and so I agreed with her instead.
FINALLY...not until age 35...a lightbulb went off in my head...and I realized i was giving away a lot of myself and my dignity and self esteem to hold together relationships wiht my mom and sister that obviously meant nothing to them. I realized I was working only to hold onto my own illusion of having a family...a lie, because it didn't exist in reality. Without a fight, I simply removed myself and backed away quietly. Oddly, that made things actually better with my mom, although I still have to remind her periodically that no amount of crap is permissible if she intends to be in MY life.
Funny how many of "us" are here on this site. Makes me wonder if there are many, many more stories out there than we realize, or maybe if there is something about this kind of a site that particularly attracts us. Perhaps because we can empathize with the secret pain of the kids here, we are all the more eager to see that somebody comes to their rescue. Notice how it is this post of the cruel, hidden emotional abuse that has us all suddenly "talking?"
1:26---Why are they in your life at all? Especially since you still have to "remind her periodically" not to be cruel...have you ever thought off cutting them off completely? Glad to see you are married and I hope you find happiness in your new family, you deserve it.
11:07
YOU said you were being an ass. 9:56 only affirmed it.
We have every right to post our opinion and some of us can read through a fake post.
Looks like your the only one who thinks this one is.
You need to crawl back into the hole you crawled out of ...
and stay there.
C U Next Tuesday!
11:07
The only way this would be a fake post would be is if you posted it yourself! Do you know something we don't?
Seems to me the only thing fake around here is you!!!
1:40
I am happy, and my life is unimaginably good. I think that makes it easier for me to forgive. My sister, though, is not in my life, as she refuses to make an effort to be a decent human being.
Also, I know in writing it is so easy, even for me, to look at all of this and say "screw them forever." However, there are truly lasting effects on a person who is raised this way. You sort of have to tell yourself repeatedly that what you have learned all of your life to believe about yourself is not true, "I am a good person. I don't deserve this. I deserve to have people love me," and on and on. Because, although you can know it rationally to be true, it is very hard to change your inner programming. I guess the way to say it is that things done to you when you are used to this just don't tend to seem as "bad" as they would to a person who is not used to being treated badly...so we "excuse" so much more than we should.
Also, s my life got better and better over the years and theirs went further and further into the toilet, I was also taught to feel guilty and sorry for their situations in comaprison to mine. I am having a harder time shaking this one for some reason. I guess good things are supposed to happen for them and not for me. That's how I was raised. It's hard to shake.
I feel guilty and sorry for them. here's a real kicker...I feel guilty and sorry for my mom because she once told me she wanted all of her life to be a mom...and I can't help wonder how bad it must make her feel to have to live with knowing that she screwed the one thing she wanted more than anything up so badly. never mind that I had just one childhood...which SUCKED...I fell sorry for her...and just a bit guilty. I did do a good job with my kids...so that is one more thing I have that she doesn't. Guilt.
So, obviously, when I say I am "Normal," I mean that I live a normal, happy life, have good friends, have managed (despite my many fears that I might somehow be unable to keep myself, despite my best efforts, from repeating her parenting horrors)to do a really good job loving and raising my own children, have managed to forgive, and have even successfully moved beyond living in my past. (Which my sister is still unable to do. Her childhood sucked in its own way, because there is an emotional price to being the favorite to such an extreme as well.)
The scars that tell me who I am and what I "deserve" out of life are still there. The caretaker I became is still there and cannot "abandon" the sad creature that my mom is...as long as I can see she is trying to be better, I feel compelled. I have a peskily overblown sense of empathy and seeing anybody hurt, even one who has hurt me, hurts. She seems weak and small and sad to me now...which is a hard way for anybody to see a parent, no matter what.
It's not rational, I know. But it's my best, most honest attempt to explain why I still see her. This is why people just CAN NOT be allowed to treat kids this way. it is never truly erasable from the soul.
Contact is far more limited now...and it is tenuous. I do have the ability to walk away now if I sense emotional "danger." Just last month she pulled a very small thing (But I am accepting NOTHING crappy of even the smallest size at this point) involving my sister. I told her, and meant it, that that the next time would be the LAST time.
You know what?
There's a series of books by a boy who was abused to a degree beyond waht anybody here has described. The first one is "A child called 'It'."
He was physically and emotionally abused to a degree that it's a miracle he is alive and not locked up in a mental institution. What was his wish always? To have his parents care about him. He jusmped at any chance to see or have contact with his mother...even though she never made any attempt to even look like she was trying to be nice to him. She slammed him every single time...even into adulthood...and still he "just checked" from time to time to see if she might have changed her mind.
Sick and unexplainable. But that's how it is. You can boil a kids feet in hot water and all they want is for social services is to give them back to mommy.
Mom
Awww, I wish I could hug you right now. I feel so bad for you.
I'm so glad you have a Family of your own now and can hug & kiss them all you want!
My homelife was really horrible, too. I have stories that as much as I would love to print, nobody would believe me anyway ... so what's the point? It would only make it worse to be called a liar.
But I have my own Family now, too. And it does take the sting out of it.
I promised I would NEVER make my kids go through any of what I went through and I must say that I am quite proud of the Mother I've become.
1:40
I would hope you grew up in a loving home because then that would be the reason you couldn't understand why Mom would keep going back if she was still getting abused.
Hi Marypoppinpills,
1:40 here. I would believe your stories. Because that was my home life too, far from the loving home scene. The reason I asked the previous writer about cutting them out of her life is because that is what I had to do. It was not my first choice, but I tried for years,well into my adult life but the situation was too toxic and twisted and like you, I wanted to do a good job raising my own family without all that....it was a difficult decision but I am much happier now and my children are not exposed to drug addicted liars----it is what it is. I really feel for the poster and my heart breaks for that little girl. Hopefully, she has the survival strength inside of her that so many of us relied on. All the best to you and everyone else.
Another one here with an eating disorder who was mocked by adults for my weight as a child...even though I was not fat! In fact, on the slim side. But my dad, in this case (not a step-parent) was soooo critical of me and if he saw me eating something with sugar in it, etc. he would make oink sounds or tell me he could see it popping out on my butt or hips. Once he said in front of his best friend when I was about 12 that there were only 2 things that mattered in a woman, tits and ass, and well, we know which one I had (I was completely flat at the time). I wanted to just fall into a hole.
I developed really low self-esteem as a teenager and really there is no worse way to start adulthood than believing you are a fat ugly worthless person. It's a recipe for bad decisions and many unhappy years.
This post made me VERY sad for that poor girl. And her little sister is being groomed to be an abuser. Just as sad. :(
1:59, real nice vibe you are giving off. By the By, C U Next Tuesday is SOOO 4th grade. Do us all a favor and grow up please.
And Vi, so someone thinks the post might be fake. They were civil about it and not mean at all so why all the negativity and accusations?
Chill out guys, not everyone is going to think like you do and guess what, that's OK. In fact it's a good thing.
As for the post. Wouldn't it actually be better is it were fake? A shame it's probably not but there is a glimmer of hope offered in that thinking because a child having to go through it is reprehensible.
Mom, I'm sorry this all happened to you and that things were so hard. Mary PP and anyone else, we will believe your stories. There are lots of sympathetic ears on this site!
By the way, the thing that most messes people up is when their mothers are bad to them. It messes people up way worse even than when fathers are bad to them. There is something most important about a mother's love and when it is truly not there there is serious harm done. The power of the mother is intense.
7:25, I respectfully disagree. My husband had an emotionally and physically abusive father. He always says, the emotional scars are far more painful. And he had quite a few serious issues that took years to work through due to the abuse he suffered.
8:53, I am not disagreeing with you that your husband or anyone cannot be devastingly damaged by a father's abuse. Of course they can. There is no doubt. There is no minimizing of the terrible hurt that is caused by a father's emotional or physical abuse. It is horrifying.
I am saying that if one looks at the research, a mother's abuse is even more deadly and even deeper reaching.
I am not going to get into the negativity that occasionally floats around a post, but fng - you jumped on 1:59 and vi and if they had the same reaction as me, it was that 11:07 called 1:59 a nasty bitch and said screw you. That was harsh! And I'm sorry, but I guess I just thought it was extra mean because 1:59 seems to have some really serious issues.
I kinda thought it was heartless.
Sorry.
so many sad stories on this thread. {{{ }}}s to all. i can't believe adults can be so cruel to children. it's unforgivable.
I have a story I want to get off of my chest. I'm not going to sign my name because even though I was the victim, it's still embarressing.
When I was around 4 and 5 my mom started drinking really heavy. She would go on binges and just leave me with a babysitter. (Who was abusive to me also, but that's for another day).
When my mom would get home, she would need to sleep it off. I can remember one time spending almost 2 days locked in my room (she did that because she was afraid I would get into something, I guess) and the whole time I had nothing to eat and I remember being so hungry (after going through this for almost a year, I figured out I could hide food in my room). I had nowhere to go to the bathroom, so I had to go in my toybox.
Later on, on another occasion, when she was cleaning my room, she found the food I had hidden. I was too scared to tell her why it was there, so she beat me --- for stealing it.
I guess all of the abuse I was going through is the reason I started to wet my bed. When I around 8 or 9, my mom told me she was sick and tired of washing my "pissy sheets" and took them, unwashed, and hung them out in the front yard for all the neighborhood to see. I thought for sure I was going to die.
There's so much more, but it felt good to get that out.
7:25
I'm sorry, but a father can damage a childs soul just as much as a mother. I was daddys little girl and he was the world to me.
Then he got into a car accident and lost his arm. He started drinking really heavy and became abusive. I was about 6 years old when it became sexual, and I will never be same again because of it. My mom caught him and called the police. They arrested him and he spent hardly any time in jail.
I'm now an adult and even though he only lives 10 miles from me, I haven't seen him since. I don't know what I'd do if I ever accidently ran into him. I think I'd go crazy. That's why I barely leave my house.
Fathers are just as bad as mothers.
It isn't a question of whether fathers are better or worse than mothers. The real truth is that a shitty father can destroy a child. Or not. But a shitty mother most certainly will destroy a child. That is why therapist's always want to talk about your mother. And that is why there are so many mothers out there like me, we scrutinize ourselves. I take daily inventories on what I did that I could have done better or what I should have done. Did I love him enough today? Did he get enough affection? Did I encourage him to be independant? Did I praise him? Remind him to think of others? Make sure he felt safe? Did he have access to the healthies foods and was he able to eat that food in an environment where food was not an issue? Did I make sure that he had enough time to run around with his friends? Did he get enough phsyical excercise today?
It's easy to be a crappy mom.
But it's hard work to be a good mom!
I don't think the issue here should be who is a worse abuser- fathers or mothers. I think the issue is that adults who abuse children in any form or fashion are totally sick, cruel creatures.
3:43
You're very sweet, thank you.
I guess you've given me the push I needed to tell you one of my stories:
I don't know if this is true of other abused kids, but I have very clear memories of my abuse from as early as 3 y.o.
One day I was laying on the floor watching cartoons and my dad came in the room (he had been drinking). My mom was on the couch and they got into an argument (she was drunk, also).
My dad was huge, about 6 ft. 2 and 250lbs.
As he stood over me, he picked up his leg ... like he would 'stomp' me, and said to my mom: "You know I used to kill children in Vietnam? I could crush her in 1 second flat". I lay under his foot scared to death, and after a minute that seemed like forever, he picked me up and through me onto the couch. I remember hurting my neck so bad I could barely move. And I remember wanting to cry, but tried to hold it back because I wasn't allowed to and I knew I would get a beating if I did. Dad didn't like "cry babies". On the rare occasion I did, he would mock me terribly.
That was only one of many brutal moments I suffered from him.
As for my mom ...
I went through almost daily abuse from her. She would pull my hair, "pop" me in the mouth, slap me, hit me with her hairbrush or fly swatter or whatever object that happened to be within reach.
She would lock me in closets (I'm still afraid of the dark and small spaces), she would starve me quite often because she didn't want me to be overweight "like her when she was a kid" ... so of course I also have an eating disorder.
What did I do to deserve all of this abuse from her?
Breathe.
Well, first, thank you MaryPP, lindalou and others for the "hugs" and kind words. I am fine and happy, but it always feels good to have a "pat on the back."
For all of you who have been brave enough to share stories, hugs to you too...and thank you for contributing thoughtfully to a very difficult discussion. I think it really does help others who might be in the same boat but still feel shame. (I don't know why the victims should feel continuing shame, but its all part of the package for some reason...maybe because we are taught and told and learned to believe over time that what we got we got because we deserved it? So maybe we feel that revealing the punishment also "reveals" how "bad" we are or were? Just a guess.) But when you (at least it was like this for me)see that there are so many others who had the same experience..and you see that they are able to finally speak about it... and they are not shunned or slammed, but supported and propped up by the others, it makes it feel so much safer to "come out."
It took me a long time, but you know what? It did feel good to get the "secret" out...even though none of you know me "in real life" anyway. I hope it was the same for all of you who shared also.
And to anybody else reading who wants to open up...we will believe you and we will "listen." (Shame on anybody who would hear somebody's story of abuse and make any sort of judgment or accusation. This is the time to err on the side of compassion!)
Hopefully we are helping others with this, while also helping ourselves. Once I heard a very wise woman from my church say that maybe people go through certain things sometimes in order to be there to help another somewhere down the road. I do think that my experiences, while unfortunately damaging parts of me irreparably, have also served to make me very strong in many valuable ways. One thing I notice often and am grateful for is that I do not take people or happiness for granted, as so many others are "free" to do. I know that is becuse of my past. When all is well and everybody is healthy and nothing affirmatively bad is going on in my life, or the lives of those I love, I am conscious of feeling grateful and happy and feeling very blessed.
Mostly I am grateful that I was able to make sure my kids had an abundance of the things I craved as a child. No matter what other mistakes I may have made as a parent, I know that my kids never spent a day wondering if they were loved, or loved enough. They never wondered if I would be there to take good care of them. None thought I favored a sibling over them. (Yes, I asked from time to time.) And I hugged and cuddled them and kissed them and scratched their backs and told them I loved them every day. (Actually still do...excpet the snuggling and cuddling is less for the boys now since they are grown we don't need any visits from the Oedipus patrol.) When I was very small, I can remember being jealous of other kids whose parents I would see pick them up or hold them in their laps. Not my kids. And I made it a point to give out loads of hugs and snuggles up at the school to kids who wanted them...because I can still remember every time someone did that for me when I was small, and how good it felt. Juts a hug to a kid who never gets touched...Some of those little kids just ran for me with their arms open and melted into me when they saw me coming down the hall. It broke my heart because I could feel how starved they were. That's what I mean. Those are the things we can do now to make something good out of something bad that happened. Because we can have true compassion and true feeling towards those children we come across...because we do understand.
Even though we are now totally off subject, something said yesterday did get me thinking and wondering. I would be very curious to hear from any of you who are willing to share whether you are still in contact wiht your moms (or other family member abusers), and, if so, what it is like between you today. As I said, I had to cut my mom and sister completely out of my life for a while...which was hard but good. Now I have a relationship with my mom, but I still see her getting little jabs in now and then. But she does them carefully, so as to make me wonder if they are maybe accidental...or she does them in a way that if I were to say anything I might look petty for mentioning it. Does that make sense? In between, and actually mostly, she is very nice, complimentary and helpful. Very confusing...although I suppose it always has been.
I have a charge who is grossly overweight, who is allowed to eat anything she wants at any time. Soda at 7AM, ice cream or nerds candies at 9AM, cupcakes for lunch...Anything goes for her. Adults and children say hurtful things to her all the time, as does her father. But the mother, who happens to be very image oriented about her own body, is oblivious. IMO, this is a form of child abuse too.
Maybe the mom is just trying to fatten up her perceived 'competition'? Believe you me, this happens more than you would think. Oh the twisted minds of women. The only people who should be raising children are gay women and gay men. Properly coupled and sealed in life long matrimony. All the heteros have too much baggage and way too many hang ups to parent effectively.
Linda Lez let's hope you never get a kid to raise. Your bigoted thinking and ignorance will only mess up some poor child's mind!
Case in point on the next thread over-
Do you think I batted an eyelash when I whipped out my breast? Do you think I responded to the grimacing size 0 women who looked on in horror? To the uncomfortable uber boobers who despite their advanced mentality still see shame in exposing your child's food source?
Ahh you twisted and tightly wound heteros. I have been offered a man's jacket, an apron, a table cloth and a pashima. Why should my child have to be swallowed whole by the intoxicated fabrics of strangers?
It is the air that we breathe, the milk that our bodies produce. It is the most natural thing in the world, second to giving birth.
*The last time I was breastfeeding in public was back in the fall. It was a nice day and I was sitting on a bench and next to me was a young woman breastfeeding a child. I asked about her child's age and sleeping habbits and she promptly told me that it wasn't her child.
How wonderful to see that you so called elite are more comfortable with your child nursing at the nanny's nipple under a day glo windbreaker than you would be nursing your own child, let alone nursing your own child outside amongst the trees, the green and the fresh air.
LOL, Linda Lez. I used to work with a lesbian years ago who had REALLY bad breath, stinky armpits, hated everyone she had ever met, and really did not know how to do her job well at all, and felt she shouldn't be expected to. So I can safely say, that gays and lesbians should NEVER be allowed to raise children. There are just too many issues there.
Now, I hope everyone can recognize that as a really stupid generalization, even though it's not quite (IMO) as stupid a generalization as Linda's. And
Linda, by your obvious bigotry and arrogance, it's guaranteed that you are NOT a good parent. Are you also teaching your child racist values?
Mom and MPP and others who were abused, this is so horrifying and sad! Mom, wasn't it your "mother" (I hate to use that term here!) who acted as though your son was HER child and tried to override you at every turn until she finally was overwhelmed and embarassed by his behaviour and begged you to bail her out? She should be thanking her lucky stars she was even told she had a grandchild, let alone ever got to see him. And if she had said that to me about how she had always wanted to be a mother, I would probably have rubbed it as hard and sharp into her soul as I could about what a waste she's made of her useless life then, and how pathetic that she is such a miserable failure at that which she says she had always wanted. But that's just me.
Linda Lez..the epitome of why people hate gays.
Growing up my dad was extrememly volatile. Still is really. As kids we always had to walk on egg shells when he came home from work at night. We could never have friends over on the weekends or overnight. My mother would feed us dinner before he got home so we could all run off upstairs to our rooms and play quietly, so as not to disturb him. As we got older we just started to ignore him.
I left home at 18 and started my own life with my husband (then boyfriend). I started thinking something was wrong with me cause I was the only one who left...my older brothers were still there. Then the truth came out. My dad has bi-polar. He was just diagnosed a few years ago (I would have been out of the house bout 2 years at this point.) I was diagnosed bi-polar at the age of 17. My dad and I just clashed. When he went manic he got angry and volatile, whereas I had energy to spare and did so much. When he got depressed he slept, I was a cutter. The only reason my brothers were able to stay whereas I couldn't deal with him anymore was the simple fact that they could more easily ignore him.
After being out of the house for almost 6 years now things have gotten somewhat better for us. I get to visit so rarely that he's always on his best behavior. In all honesty, thats why I visit so rarely..cause then I know he'll be on his best behavior while I'm around. One of my older brothers lives in the in-law apartment with his kids, another one moved out when he got married and the other older brother is still there. He says dad's not so bad if you just ignore him most of the time. I guess he's great with his grandkids for a while, but then goes back to his normal self.
My younger brother and sister are waiting to leave. My younger brother just turned 18 and is joining the marines once he graduates in the spring. My sister I KNOW is just waiting til she turns 18 and then she's gone. She and my dad clash horribly. They are always fighting.
So to answer the question. After leaving home, I get along with my abuser just fine. If I don't visit him too often in a short time. Would I leave my future kids with him? I dont think so, not unsupervised. But he will get to see them, and hold them and love them like I know he will and can. But once he starts acting up we'll pack up and come home.
Nobody hates the gays. What a perfectly awful thing to say. Her opinion is a bit harsh, but she is welcome to it.
Paul, if you believe your words you are very naive. Plenty of people hate gays, plenty of people hate blacks, hispanics and Jews as well. Linda Lez is a prime example of the bigotry alive and well in the world. And she and her attitude is why people dislike lesbians, and lump them all together in an afavorable light. And if you think her statement is her opinion and she is entitled to it however harsh it may be, then why are other racist and bigoted comments deleted? Or is certain types of bigotry not as bad as others? Then anyone can and should say anything they please because hey, it's just their opinion and they are entitled to it, however harsh it may be.
I meant unfavorable
Well, on the one hand, people CAN say just about anything they please, no matter how harsh. (First Amendment!) But it doesn't mean they aren't scum of the earth/worthless d*ck for brains a**holes for holding such biased and ignorant opinions. And that people can't call them for their idiotic opinions.
Case in point: Embarrasingly, the Berkeley City Council issued a letter to the US Marine Corps informing them they were "unwelcome" and should remove their recruiting station of out Berkeley. Because we know how Berkeley has this rep for being anti-military. They then granted a free parking space and a license to use a bullhorn one day each week to a group pf "protesters" who think there should be no such thing as a military force for the uS at all. Or at least, not in Berkeley. (NIMBYism/YUPPYism?) So...should cities nnow grant those rights, for instance to the KKK to "protest" in front of a NAACP office each week? Or vice versa? Or send such letters to Catholic churches in their cities because of the church's stance on gays? And abortion? Sorry if this is too OT, I've been following this because there is a huge showdown going on today over the issue, with helicopters flying around, etc.
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