Received Wednesday, January 23, 2008-Perspective & Opinion
I am writing because the more vocal my two year old has taken to calling for his nanny in the evening, shortly after she leaves, during bath time and at bed time. I am working to establish myself in my career. I don't make loads of money. In fact, after I pay the nanny, I am taking home about 18,000 per year. The nanny we have is wonderful with him, has been with us for over a year and I trust her implicitly. For the past few days or more, my husband has began discussing the need to let Elsa go because he says it is 'unhealthy' for our child to want Elsa. His suggestion is that we should hire our nannies for one year periods so that our child does not have the chance to become too attached to any one nanny. I think he is 100 percent wrong. I don't enjoy hearing my son cry out for the nanny, but I think it is just a phase. Any other mothers have the right words so that I can make my case in the strongest possible way the next time this comes up? For the record, my husband very often likes to insist that he is thinking of me. When he brings this up, he seems to have all of the right things to say, in addition to upsetting me and making me feel guilty that I can never grasp the very words I need. Anyone with a similiar experience? Thank you in advance.
59 comments:
If you change your son's caregiver every year so he does not get attatched, what do you think is going to happen to him long term? It is not a stretch to imagine that this child is going to be very insecure. You will be teaching him to not bother loving anyone because they will all eventually leave him. This will permeate throughout his life causing him not only childhood angst but also lots of trouble in relationships later in life. I think what your husband is proposing is in the realm of abusive to your son. Please don't do it.
The very best way to damage your child is to try to prevent him from making loving attatchments to people. A child can love more than 1 or 2 adults at a time.
Following your husband's advice will likely result in a child unable or unwilling to form true and lasting attatchments, because he will learn that everyone he loves leaves him.
Your DH's idea is nearly as foolish as the thought that a nanny should not be emotionally attached to her charge(s), because it will hurt them if she leaves one day. An unloving nanny who attempts to avoid emotional attachments isn't exactly a stellar idea.
I would find and speak with a child psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist, and ask that person to meet with your Dh. Hopefully he will listen to an expert.
And frankly, your husband sounds pretty damn insensitive - maybe a little marriage counseling would be a good idea as wel.
Good luck, and don't let DH get his way here.
I feel awful for you. Your husband sounds like a prick. He is completely dead wrong. And if you change nannies every year, you aren't going to get great nannies every year. Logistically, it won't happen. Tell your husband that any father with half a brain recognizes the importance of retaining the services of a tried and true employee, one who is dependable and trustworthy. Don't even attempt the love or attachment argument on him- he sounds like he is dead on the inside. No heart.
Your husband is a retard. Tell him to get his stupid ass over to ISYN and read some of the horror stories about how craptastic nannies can be; then ask him whether it really makes sense to play russian roulette once a year just so your kid doesn't get bonded to "the help". Give me a break. I'd like nothing more than for our daughter to prefer our nanny to either me or my wife--it would just mean that she's doing a great job, and that our daughter is well taken care of.
I don't think calling OPs Husband names is helping her. She needs some great advice, and from the sound of it, needs our help in wording a good argument against him.
OP ...
Please tell your Husband that your sons attachment to the Nanny is normal and healthy. He is very young and at this age they are trying to figure out who will be there for them. Sending your Nanny away could actually have disastrous results, particularly if it is a safe and sound relationship for him.
I know this is hard for you, too -- but trust me, he knows who his Mommy and Daddy are and loves you very much ... could you imagine one day just disappearing from his life? He would be devastated.
It is a good thing that he loves your Nanny ... why would you take that away from him? And take a chance of getting someone who may possibly abuse him.
It isn't worth it ....
Please don't be jealous that he's asking for her ... it just means he trusts her, and feels safe when he's with her. You wouldn't want him frightened of his caretaker, would you?
And don't feel guilty either. Personally I believe whenever possible you should stay home with your children, but it sounds as if you don't have a ton of money and probably need to work. The more people that surround your child with love will only help him grow up feeling secure and confident and he will learn to form healthier relationships and hopefully bond with people that are of good moral character.
I wish you the best, please let us know what happens.
BTW ... please ignore some of the negativity you might get. Some of the posters on ISYN are really wonderful and really give incredible advice.
Since you clearly do not have to work, and are not even eaking out enough of a living after taxes and childcare to make it worth your while financially, how about you raising your child during these early formative years and working on that career when he's a little older, and then maybe you can be the person your child bonds with on a deep and LASTING level, so that it is you that he calls for when you are away, and so that your very immature, selfish and insecure husband doesn't have to worry about him loving the help more than his parents. I cannot imagine anything more damaging than ripping your child's caregivers out of his life on a regular basis because, yes, he has become emotionally attached to them. To a small child, the person who cares for him all day long is the "mother" in his psyche. He may not call her that name...but she is the "mother" that he is bonded to, trusts to take care of his physical needs and kiss his boo boos when he falls...and the person he misses and cries for when she is not near. In his mind, she is the main source of is his comfort and security. if you cannot or choose not to be that person, please at least do not rob him of the opportunity to form that deep and lasting emotional bond with somebody else, long term. It is imperative for his later emotional health.
Dear OP,
Ask your husband why he thinks one year is the magic marker. I guarantee you my charges, (who I have been with now for three years) had grown significally attached to me in less than three months!
And to the people who might respond to this post. The woman is not asking for your advice on how she might stay home with her child. She clearly communicates that she is on a career path. Let's be empowering and not judge her because of that. In fact, I wonder if the husband isn't attempting to sabotage the wife. Hiring new nannies and training them, who is going to do that?
he's 2. he's naturally going to go through phases of prefering one person over another. is your husband going to be angry when he calls for you rather than him?
one of the worst things you could do is hire yearly nannies and have people running in and out of his little life.
attachments are healthy. in my opinion it means that this nanny is doing something extremely right for him to be wanting her around even when she is not there. he trusts her. he finds comfort in her. it's not that he doesn't trust you or his father. it's just that he's realized that there are other people in his small circle that warm his heart besides you. what a lucky boy to have extra love!
sending her away now would be the worst thing you could do. he would be devastated.
By all means, let the nanny go.
Maybe the next time the evil nanny in the post above needs a toddler to terrorize, she will be working for you!
One thing you might not realize is that a lot of people have bad nanny stories and experiences BUT these nannies do not retire or change fields. They just get OTHER nanny jobs.
Ditch the husband. Keep the nanny.
Wouldn't a parent feel great knowing that the child loves their caregiver. I would be more worried if the child cried everytime they saw their caregiver.
I was a full time nanny for a little guy who was 16 months when I started and stayed until he was a few months past his third birthday, when he started preschool.
I love him. When I left Friday I was usually frazzled and exhausted but I found myself missing him. Monday would roll around and I'd get to work and give him a huge hug and kiss. I spent 45 hours a week with him... so of course I got attached. (also.. I was attached to him in a matter of months.)
THAT'S what you want your nanny to do. (Not try to play the parental role of course... but to adore your kids.) When they call me up to work on a weekend night or something I am thrilled and always move around my schedule so I can go and see him..
Your husband needs to take a step back and be realistic. It's something that parents need to expect is going to happen when they employ a person to come into their house and help raise their child. If your husband isn't secure enough to handle it, maybe he should stay at home with your son.
Switching nannies once a year is a wretched idea. It isn't as though your child is calling out for the nanny to hurt feelings or be mean. It's just what kids do when they grow close to someone. He should be thrilled that your son is calling out for the nanny.. But if attachment is what he's worried about, getting a new nanny would probably have to be every three months or so.
(Tell him to start and worry when the nanny is never mentioned on days off and the child screams bloody murder at the thought of having to be left alone with her.)
I will say this--
We HATE when that happens. It is the most uncomfortable feeling to try and deal with. If B would throw a fit when I tried to go home at the end of the day and refused to step foot near his dad.. I felt awful. I could see on the dad's face that it felt horrible for him to have to see. He took it well though.. and I would usually make comments like
"Awe, c'mon bug! You ask for your parents all day long when you're with me. Silly kid! Are we playing opposite day?" or something to that affect.
The kids that constantly have nannies coming and going are the kids that have the most problems, most anger, problems listening and obeying, ect.
Hope you get some good advice outta here and good luck!
OP, your husband sounds borderline abusive to both you AND your son. Clearly, your nanny is doing something very right, as everyne has pointed out, and if your husband is so insecure about this that he not only wants to give nanny the boot, but also make YOU feel guilty and insecure about it, he's the one who needs to go.
OK, not that you are probably considering divorce over this, but your husband's suggestion would be very emotionally damaging to yoour sob.
And as mom suggesated, I have to agree, is $18k/yr really more than your son's happiness is worth to you? I'd guess your nanny is making at least twice that from you, so what's the point? If you really can't put the career on hold for a couple years, and you could earn as much as hubby, could he be the SAHD? Not that he sounds like someone who could be relied on to meet the needs of his son, from what you've said here.
It's great that you don't sound like you feel overly threatened by his attachment to the nanny. I'd say if you CAN'T take a break from the career path, keep the nanny and stand up to your husband without feeling guilty or insecure, and make him understand the importance of stable relationships to a young child. Seems to me his plan would be equal to a child living with a parent who got married, divorced and remarried on a yearly basis, and if your husband has an IQ over 35, even HE can't think THAT would be a good thing for a child?!
sorry for such a long post but this is pretty upsetting.
Typo, lol. sob s/b son.
5:11-I would nver hire you as my nanny, or even to watch my cats. You seem like the evil, heartless nanny to which you refer 5:08 as.
5:08-You are not an evil nanny. 5:11 wins that all the way.
I do agree with the others who told you that your husband is wrong. In early childhood, children spend 75% of their day with someone other than the parents, and it's only natural for him to call out for the nanny. Just because he's calling for her doesn't mean he wants her. He might be curious to know where she is, since she spends so much time with him. Perhaps, you could keep your nanny PT and stay home with your son PT. Help your nanny find another PT position, and if you must get rid of her, do it when the time is right, such as when he starts school. Don't get rid of him because your husband wants you too! Maybe your husband made a pass at the nanny and she rejected him, so he wants to get rid of her? Or maybe he doesn't understand that fact that nannies bond with their charges, and how deep that bond is...
I definitely think you would do more harm to your child than good. Parents who get rid of their children when they become attached to the nannies are not doing their children any favors. I think it is great that he loves your nanny and is attached to her. That shows he trusts her. Any parent should appreciate that if they are not going to be with their child during the day that someone their child loves is. There are so many horrible nannies out there, your husband should be happy you have a good one. And I agree with others that at 2 he is just going through his attachment phase. They change their attachment all the time, but as long as he calls you mommy and daddy and knows everyone loves him I think its fine. He is lucky to have someone else who loves him so much & who he loves back.
Missdee
If you could read 5:11's post again, she's being facetious. You can tell that by the last paragraph, and she's saying it in a way to drive the point home.
The Nanny "in the above" post she's referring to is the 'Subway' Nanny, not 5:08.
It's a good post, and although it's hard-hitting, it works.
O.k.?
Mary, you beat me to it.
Alex, I think you meant "Parents who get rid of their nannies", not "their children", lol!
Cali mom
I may have beat you to Missdee's post, but I completely missed Alex's! Good catch!
Duh ... I so read right over it too, lol.
It would be too easy to tell you that $18,000 a year isn't worth your child not loving you most.
So I won't do it.
If you must work someone should love your child. Please explain to your husband that consistency is critical and it's good that your daughter can depend on her.
I'd think more of you if you took this as a sign to quit YourSoCalledCareer but maybe that's coming with the next heartache.
Speaking as a well adjusted adult who has her nanny to thank for tucking me in every night and saying my prayers with me, I find your husband's suggestion and his argument to be heartless. My mother was a stay at home mother who spent her mornings on the tennis court, her afternoons at the club lunching and the rest of the day impaired by the alcohol that she would merrily swig out of a Favrile Glass Stemmed Wine Glass - one I still have nightmares about. As a young child, I wondered why that "cup" turned nice mommy into an abusive, screaming, crying tyrant who shouted obscenities at my father and the dog before passing out in various parts of the house and occasionally the front lawn. My mother had no sense and my father had very little, but somehow, back in 1977, a magical wind blew exactly the nanny I needed on to my front porch.
Never underestimate the bonds that your children make with the people that love them. In a perfect world, most children don't need the relationship I do desperately needed with my nanny. But just the same, since your child is going to develop a relationship with the nanny; isn't it best that it is a open, loving and emotionally fulfilling one?
No one can ever meet the needs of a child's mother. My nanny did everything for me and with me because my mother simply could or would not. But even in the company of this wonderous woman,( God rest her soul), I had an intense and daily longing to hear kind words from my mother and most of all- for her embrace.
Sue Doe-
I am so tired of you and every other militant SAHM ranting against working mothers. When I was a little girl on the "bad side" of Chicago, all I wanted was to be an attorney. I struggled through college and law school and eventually I became an attorney. I was pregnant when I passed the bar, so I stayed home for the first six months with my child and then took the first job I found- working for the county attorney. The job paid little and after interviewing an enormous pool of nannies, I chose the best and most qualified nanny who was also the most expensive. It didn't pay for me to go to work, except that I loved my job and felt I was a well rounded person, aided by my loving husband and super nanny. Today, I am a prominent criminal defense attorney and I have not one, but two happily adjusted girls who aspire to be just like me. Talk about flattery, I don't need much more than that.
blah blah blah.
I'm not militant and I'm not even a SAHM.
It just doesn't make sense if you're not making any money.
xoxo
Sue
A WAHM who didn't work until they went back to school.
sue doe = sancti sahm turned sancta wahm
Ch
Thank you for that.
I'm flattered.
Now leave me alone so I can finish my wine.
Another issue you might point out to your husband, is the difficulty of hiring good nannies when you have a lot of turnover. An experienced nanny is going to see that as a red flag. I always ask how long the last nanny was with the family, why she left, and if I might have an opportunity to speak with her. I would not take a job with a family who changed nannies twice in two years, unless I could speak with the nannies.
A Nanny
I may be wrong, but here we have a Mom that probably doesn't stand up to Dad very often. Especially if he makes her feel bad about it.
She is saying she wants to and needs to work. And let's face it, she may need to get out of the house for her own sanity. I'm not saying I agree with it, but there are some people that need to and have to do this.
We all have our feelings about SAHMs vs. WOHMs, but that isn't what this is about.
This Mom is asking for help in making a good argument against her Husband. I wish some of you wouldn't come down so hard on her ... she doesn't agree with her Husband and is trying to do the right thing for her child.
OP--sounds like you have a fabulous nanny. Congrats. You should ignore your husband. I think you already know that. I would talk to your nanny about issue without making it about her or making her feel like you feel threatened by it (sounds like you aren't--and again congrats). Ask her what she does to comfort him. She may have a particular routine, object or method she uses you don't know about. I had an awful time getting my son back to sleep again when he was an infant, but when my nanny showed me exactly how she stroked his ear to get him to nap, it worked like a charm.
I hate how people suggest that OP quits trying to make something of herself to stay home all day with her son. This is not a SAHM v. working mom website, why are these SAHM's even here.
anon @ 1139- I agree. 100%.
And I'm a better mom because I work. I won't qualify that statement with a discussion, but stick it in your wine glass and slurp it down, Sue.
Sue Doe-Nim
Maybe you should lay off the wine. You are sounding MEAN.
My husband has said similiar things about our daughter's attachment to her nanny. I am a SAHM and my youngest is 18 months, but because of Fibromyalgia I am not physically able to do all the things with them all the time I should. My nanny is simply awesome and was Godsent to me in my opinion. She is like a member of my family, a sister I never had. My husband worried that our youngest daughter was becoming too attached to her and would run to her when she heard loud noises, or was frightened, even if I was in the room. So he thought maybe we should look for someone else, just as the OP husband did. MY FEELINGS were that I was thankful that my child trusted this person enough to protect them and that was enough for me. It did hurt my feelings the first few times, but so what! This isn't about MY feelings, it's about how MY child is feeling and being taken care of. Over the last few months, my child has shifted those emotions over to me and is the most loving, cuddling child a mom could ever want. Children DO know how there parents are, and parents need not be so concerned about their OWN feelings that it makes them be INCONSIDERATE of those they are trying to protect! How wonderful they have an additional grown up in their lives that loves them so much and they think so much of!! All children should have as much!
Send your husband to talk to a child psychologist about healthy attachment.
His ideas are absolutely dead wrong, and will likely lead to emotional harm in your child long term. Your child NEEDS healthy loving attachments to his caregivers. It will not detract from his love for you or his father, especially as he grows older. A lot of toddlers go through this, it's normal, and it means you have a great nanny.
One of the little girls I used to take care of p/t cried for HOURS when I left. Her poor mother would call me sometimes 2 hours later to tell me she was still throwing a fit that I didn't take her with me! The mother understood the value of healthy attachments though, and the little girl had the benefit of 3 adults that loved her dearly and whom she loved. (And her mother was a SAHM!)
She outgrew the phase and is very securely and healthily attached to her parents. Years later, she still likes me a lot, but mommy and daddy definitely rank higher these days.
Don't worry. It'll pass. Let your son enjoy his healthy relationships with his caregivers, knowing that the people who love him and whom he loves will be there for him and not disappear as soon as he learns to love them.
12:18 hit it on the nail...wouldn't any parent want a caregiver that lived and breathed the well-being of their child! Trust is one of the most important issues when working with another family, and when you find that with a child, and especially a parent as well, HOLD ON TO IT!!! I'm curious as to who of you that posted on this thread spoke up about the nanny who was fired for her charge referring to her as "mom"...
11:39
I agree that this isn't the time to debate but I still feel the need to explain why some SAHMs have a reason for being here.
Personally, I am a SAHM and made a conscious decision with my Husband to do so.
I had a flourishing business that I tried to work out of my home after I became pregnant, but it just wasn't worth all the stress without being in it all the way ... so I let it go. It was a difficult decision, but one that I do not regret.
So why am I here, you ask? Well, I feel I may have some valuable input because I was a Nanny for 6 yrs.
My last job was in 1991, during Desert Storm. Both Parents ended up getting deployed and I was unexpectedly left to be the sole caretaker of a 16 m.o. little boy ... at the age of 21.
That job lasted almost 2 years and when the Mom became pregnant again, she got out of the service (and to this day I don't know if it was Medical leave or if her time was up or what) ... and I was unceremoniously dumped. I was attached to the little boy, obviously, and I was devastated.
I had been told all along how much they appreciated me and I loved my job. I knew I had to find another line of work. I was completely shut out and was left grieving for a little boy that I cared for and didn't get a chance to say good bye to ... I never had any closure, and that was it for me ... I was done.
12:18, You rock!
As for OP, I guess I read her post a little differently. I took her mentioning how little she brings home as perhaps a hint that she may be actually be wondering/hinting as to the rationality of her working at all during this important time in her child's life...for so little money.
I have a cousin whose husband "made" her work...even though she desperately didn't want to...and even though after paying for childcare for her three small, precious daughters she was actually bringing home only a dollar an hour. (She used the small take home pay also as an argument against her having to work...to no avail, I might add.)
Since OP also mentioned that her husband tends to browbeat her, I was thinking this may be the case also in this situation. Some men want their wives "contributing" to the family income, no matter what. And since this woman does not seem to stand up to her husband much, it could well be that he forces her into things she does not want to do...like working even though she has a small child and may not want to trade her few precious wonder years for a mere pittance. Otherwise, why even mention that she makes next to nothing?
As many postings on this site demonstrate, quality child care is hard to find. Children your son's age often prefer one parent to the other, ask for a specific caregiver, or simply want what is not available to them at that time. It is not an attack on your parenting ability that he wants his caregiver and you should not take it as such. It is a sign that he is bonded to a woman who he spends a great deal of time with and - hopefully - takes outstanding care of him. If you feel that you have healthy limits with your caregiver, you should attempt to retain her services for as long as possible while letting your husband know that you realize the value of your son's relationship with his nanny. It is not my business why you elect to work outside of the home and it isn't anyone elses business either - you are obviously a devoted parent who only wants the best for your child and your husband needs to understand that the best thing for him - and you - is quality, long term care.
I agree 12:18 - You rock!
I agree that it must be difficult for you physically at times and I have made it no secret that Moms that have some kind of illness or disability and have the wherewithal to hire a Nanny to help them are doing what's best for their child.
There is such a strong debate over SAHMs having Nannies ... but you are entirely the exception and I applaud you!
maggie's mommy
Couldn't have said it better! Excellent post!
Even if you're not making a lot after taxes/childcare. The years of experience you get working NOW is very valuable when you look at your career long term.
Just tell your husband what you told us.
When someone loves and cares about your child, that's a wonderful thing and should be cherished along with the person who has such a loving and giving heart.
I agree with the posters who say it's a phase.
I use to watch twin boys 50 hours a week and for about a month one of them would actually chase me out to my car screaming and try to climb in my car before his mom grabbed him. It was very akward and I felt terrible. Mom just made sure to come home early for a while and spend quality time with the boys and eventually all went back to normal. The boys were excited to see me in the morning and excited to see Mom and Dad in the evening.
Exactly, TX nanny,
I agree with your common sense post and also suspect that you are one great nanny.
I agree with Mom. I also agree with sue-doe-nim's general points.
I really think the OP is wondering (and who wouldn't!) about whether it's a good idea to keep working for practically no profit. What's the point of breaking one's back, working super hard, getting so tired, and leaving the most precious little being with someone else, and it's not even for much profit?! It's legitimate to wonder about this. The fact that the child wants Elsa all the time is what may be prompting the OP questioning her life choices, and rightly so. I know I would question my choices if I were the OP. It is understandable.
I definitely agree that it is healthy and appropriate that the child is attached to Elsa. It's great to find a loving and lovable nanny! How lucky.
However, it's also great (and actually even greater) if one's parent is able to spend their time being the main caregiver. If OP's situation allows this, it would be ideal for the child and the parents.
If OP and hubby really need the money, and there is no way that OP will ever be able to have a career, ever ever, if she doesn't work in her current job, then so be it: they are lucky to have Elsa for sure! But if their situation permits, maybe OP can not work, or work a lot less, so that she is the main caregiver.
It is a blessing and a gift to be able to spend the years together, if one's situation allows it, and if one is interested in raising one's own kids. It is a joy.
The OP's work will be much more financially profitable as the kid gets older anyway, when the kid is in school full days and won't need a nanny everyday.
Good luck OP.
If it were me, I would be very thankful for Elsa, as their relationship is a blessing, but I would also stop working or greatly reduce my working hours so that I was the main caregiver.
My question to you:
Does your hubby get upset when your child cries for you?
Probably not... this is just the child expressing that he thinks if he calls for the "other" he might get what he wants.
Just think of it as the great way children manipulate thier parents... one says no, they go ask the other... :)
I'd say keep your nanny... tell the hubby that his idea of new nannies every year is damaging to a young child.
Fibromyalgia: The lazy crazy woman's diease.
LOL!
Thanks Lorenza:)
4:30
You are a cruel and heartless person.
Maybe you should be stricken with Fibromyalgia so that every time you move or someone touches your skin you could scream out in pain.
Or how about at night you have muscle spasms so badly that you can't sleep and you're so tired the next day you can't function.
How about you suffer from a headache so severe that you can barely open your eyes.
Or suffer through a bout of Depression or Anxiety because you don't understand how this could be happening and there's no rhyme or reason why.
Maybe then you would have a little empathy and keep your mouth shut.
maybe you should just quit your job and be a mother to your kids.
you can't have everything in your life, so choose between your career and your kids.
MaryPP, I would ignore the person who made the stupid Fibromyalgia comment. I have looked at a few threads tonight and have the feeling that "bait" is being laid all over the place...again. definitely not worth your time, or even wasting your thoughts, to engage such a pathetic creature.
11:58 your post is not helpful to the OP so why dont you get off your ass and go spend time with your kids or do some laundry or something and stop harassing working moms.
Mom
The only reason I responded to that post was because I thought it would upset 12:18. I don't know if she's been here before (or often enough) to know that there are some pretty obnoxious people on board.
I totally figured they were trying to 'bait' someone ... but I still thought that comment was ugly enough that 12:18 should know she had an ally.
I'm cool, though.
Thanks! ☺
Does anyone know what causes Fibromyelgia? I do think it is real but I can see how some hypochondriaks would like to claim it as their malady.
4:06, you said it perfectly. The problem with relentlessly purusing the career at this point in a child's life is, there no way to go back. You can't just put your child on hold and come back to him or her when you feel ready, because THEY won't be there anymore. The person will be there but the baby will be a 2 year old and then a 3 year old and then a big kid starting kindergarten all in the blink of an eye, and then a teenager and it's gone and you'll wonder why you decided to skip out on all that for a lousy $18k/yr. Even if the child has bonded with a wonderful, loving nanny, YOU may regret the lost time later.
Shel 5:08 is clearly knowledgeable of the importance of healthy attachments and the family-child-nanny relationship. Thanks for your post!
Firstly let me say that changing nannies every year is definitely not the road to go down. The fact that your child asks for Elsa is a testament to how close she feels to her. It speaks to her attachment to her, which is a good thing. Children need to develop healthy attachments to their caregivers (both parents/nannies/babysitters,etc) in order to feel both physically and emotionally safe in the world. I just recently wrote the cover story for the INA newsletter on this exact topic. Perhaps your husband would like to read it. Here’s the link:
http://www.thenannydoctor.com/images/INA_newsletter.jpg
When you find a great nanny you should hold onto him/her! It sounds like you have a great nanny and you should do everything to continue to support that relationship in the best interest of your child. I wonder if your husband simply does not know the significance of this relationship, and simply needs more information about the dynamics involved. He needs to know that just because your child is attached to Elsa doesn’t mean that she isn’t attached to you and your husband as well. Maintaining a consistent, nurturing caregiver long term will more likely result in your child developing a healthy attachment style.
When children have multiple changes in caregivers, they are at risk for developing a troublesome attachment style that will carry through to their friendships and romantic relationships well into adulthood. Also, as you change nannies, the likelihood of failed matches goes up because your child begins to “protect themselves” by not attaching to their newest caregiver because they know that they will be gone soon. I have seen this in a more pronounced way with children in foster care who bounce from one home to another, each successive failure further impairing the child’s ability to attach in a healthy way. A loss of a caregiver can be a significant stressor for a child. Change in caregiver can result in behavior outbursts, school problems, peer difficulties and regressed behaviors (like returning to diapers after having previously mastered toilet training). More serious consequences include reactive attachment disorder.
Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance!
Lindsay Heller, Psy.D.
www.TheNannyDoctor.com
MaryPP,
You make an excellent point. The mom with Fibromyalgia who posted here probably very much appreciated the support.
I went back and read her post...I must have somehow missed it before, because i was wondering why that other lunatic all of a sudden came out with the attack on Fibromyalgia patients "out of the blue" like that.
Makes more sense...but under the circumstances seems even more cruel and thoughtless than ever.
I can't help wonder what kind of a person it must be who takes pleasure in hurting others for seemingly no other reason than because they can.
Sprak
I know alittle about this Disease because a friend of mine suffers from it. (Which is probably why I stood up for 12:18, because I sympathize with her.)
First, your comment on how some people can 'claim' this malady.
I'm sure anything is possible, but Drs. have done alot of research on Fibromyalgia and there are certain specific symptoms you have to have.
Possible causes:
*Possible link to Lyme Disease
*Mononucleosis
*Rheumatic Disorders (such as Rheumatoid Arthritis)
*Family History
*Female
Symptoms:
*Belly pain, headaches, or problems with urination.
*Morning stiffness lasting less than an hour
*Constipation or diarrhea related to irritable bowel syndrome.
*Memory problems and difficulty concentrating.
*Fatigue that interferes with work and daily activities.
*Problems sleeping/Insomnia
*Stress
*Depression/Anxiety
*Pressure pain (the skin hurts/burns when touched)
*muscle and joint pain
Drs. can diagnose it by performing specific physical examinations.
A Patient must feel pain at a minimum of 11 out of 18 "tender points". These "tender points" are very specific to a person with Fibromyalgia. (Now you know why it perplexes so many people.) And it is considered a 'chronic pain'.
Some of the Symptoms listed above worsen when the Patient becomes stressed, anxious or depressed.
It's a terrible disease and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
P.S. ~ Shel ~
I couldn't sleep last night and took to reading your (Nanny a) Blog. I must say I really enjoyed it ... you have such a way with words!
You are so descriptive that I could easily picture what you were talking about. I hope you keep up the great work!
I haven't gotten to your other Blog, yet (Life of shoe) ... and am looking forward to it. ☺
I am a nanny and I've had the kids ask for me many times and even cry when I leave and cling to me. Yes it's heart wrenching for the parents but it's not about the parents, it's about the KID. Your son obviously loves her and that's what you want. You don't want a nanny your son is scared of. Be grateful that you've found a good nanny who your son has bonded with, that means she cares about him and will take care of him.
OP -
Please give us a Update on what happened with your Husband/Nanny situation.
Thanks!
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