Sunday

Nanny asks if there is such a thing as 'too much love'...

Received Sunday, September 2, 2007-Perspective & Opinion
I am in a situation and need some advice from parents. I have been a nanny for the same family for 3+ years (and plan on staying many more) taking care of two toddler girls. I love my family dearly and love the girls so much. I always show them love and give them hugs and kisses, and tell them I love them. I am committed to them as if they were my own children and would take a bullet for them if I had to. Recently the oldest who is 3, has been saying to her mom "I'm not yours, I'm nannies" and "I love nanny not you mommy" which usually she later turns to mom and professes her love for her mommy. I always regard my charges as "my girls" although always claiming to be their nanny to anyone who asks or compliments them. (I don't' take credit where its not due). Also, dad dad said something along the lines of "they are my children, not yours" but not in a bad way, just in a conversation that is to long to go on about here. I always acknowledge to the parents that they are the parents and I am just the nanny. But I feel that when these things are said, the parents are hurt. although they never say anything, I still feel the tension and am not sure how to react. Should I back off from showing affection to them and speaking about them as "my girls" or should I continue to show them the same amount of love? Advice from parents please, as I don't think other nannies could really tell me how the parents feel.
Nanny Sightings Needed

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a parent, I don't have a nanny. You were with the family for three plus years? So the oldest is three, of course they are going to look at you as a motherly figure. I mean you were their since she was a newborn I am assuming. I think some mothers feel bad when the child shows more love for the nanny, because they would rather quit their jobs and be able to raise their own child or spend more time with them. Also, do you live in?? If so, they are so use to you in their lives. Your an extended family member living with them, is how the kids probably see it. Not, sure if you could do this but can they call you Aunt ---. Or would it be to weird for you and the family. Some people I know have nannies and the kids call them Aunt or if its an older nanny grandma. I think its so cute. If I had a nanny and my kids loved her how your "kids" love you I would love if they called her Aunt if she was young or Grandma.

P.S. the family is fortunate to have someone like you around where the kids truly adore you.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to do in your case or what the situation is like.

I am a nanny and I try to keep some distance from the kids because of problems like these. Most kids prefer their parents anyway (even if the nanny spends a lot of time with the kids and is extremely loving) so if a child were to prefer the nanny....it's obvious that the parents are truly non-existant!

Anonymous said...

I work for a great single Mom who works many hours as a physician. I have been with them for two years, but they previously had a nanny for five years befor me (they are close in age and were infants/toddlers when they started with her.) Their Mom told me that they love her just like an aunt, and she doesn't have a problem with the kids getting connected to the nanny. She just told me recently that her daughter brags that she talks to her nanny more (meaning me) and feels more comfortable asking nanny questions rather than her Mom. They are close and loving as Mom and Daughter, but her Mom is greatful that she has someone to go to and someone to confide in... best of all, someone the Mom trusts! It's really going to be different with each parent and although this can be hard, hopefully the parents aren't so closeminded, and they realize that if they have to rely on childcare to help raise their children, at least it's someone who will be LIKE part of the family and be a positive part of their childhood. I say love them as much as possible and don't hold back!

Anonymous said...

I know you want advice from parents but I am a nanny and have been with my children since they were infants. I am not a full-time nanny but I have always referred to them as "my girls" and their parents refer them as that to me too. I would think the parents would be secure enough to know that as long as they show their children love and affection (and are not always absent etc) that no one can replace the parents. They know who their parents are and at 3 some things they say just depend on how they are feeling at the moment and who they are trying to please or thoughts they are trying to get out :)

Pat in Rochester said...

I can see where a parent might be jealous. But at the same time, I cannot imagine you would not run to the child when she cried or that you would mistreat her. I would rather have a nanny do more and love more than do less and care less.

And anyone who disagrees and is comfortable with a shitty nanny is just a pathetic excuse for a parent.

Anonymous said...

I think if the kids "love" you like a parents or more than their parents the parent have a reason to feel jealous, but it is also most likely their own fault for not being around enough for their own kids.

Aunty Rhea said...

The little boy I used to nanny for had started a habit of hanging on me even when his parents were home.

And when the parents picked him up and said "my baby" he pushed away and said "No, Rhea's baby"

I was fired, and I think the reason was that the mom was jealous (because her reason was filled with lies about me not answering my phone on my day off). About 2 weeks later I was called to babysit as their new nanny had just called that morning and couldn't make it, and the mom gave me a look that could kill when he saw me and ran to me excited and happy.

Some parents get jealous, which is STUPID. NO child loves the nanny more unless the parents truly ignore/neglect/abuse the child. And ALL children will go through stages. For awhile they'll scream for the parents not to leave, next they'll scream for the NANNY not to leave. It's how they are. I don't think you can love your charges too much... I'd think parents would want someone who loved their children enough to take a bullet for them. I, personally, would only feel truly secure leaving my child (when I have one) with someone who felt that way.

Anonymous said...

SO, this almost sounds like a slight manipulation game on the part of the child "I love nanny, not you" . . .My charge used to say "I like ____the best" and would alternate whoever she liked the "best" depending on who she was talking to. (to mom, she would say me, to me, she would say she loved dad the best, and so on) she was just 3 when she did this. Kids are sooo smart! However, this is what I've started doing wtih my charge ...because, nannies, we can form opinions in the minds of our charges very easily . . and even something seeming innocent, could be ...miscontrued (i.e. "my girls" = "I'm not yours, I'm mommies")
I DO NOT believe in withholding love or keeping any kind of distance with a child ...however, I DO tell my charge things like "Mommy and Daddy love you so much that they gave you ME! Wasn't that just soo sweet?" or within a context of conversation . "Yup, you'll always be your mommy's little baby even when you're all grown up!" The children obviously love you very much . . and perhaps words of affirmation from you ABOUT their parents would take root in the children's hearts . . so that they would know that they don't 1. have to choose between who they love and 2. that YOU are there because mommy and daddy want the very best for them. You are not "just" the nanny, you are a huge member of the household that has a gigantic influence on your charges . . again, words of affirmation about the parents . . .building them up . . .showing your esteem for them . . .I'm being redundant, I know . .but if you esteem the parents highly in your words to the children . . I think it's the best thing you could do to naturally ease any tension.

Yours Truly,
Midwest Nanny

Anonymous said...

P.S. One more thing, we cannot LOVE our charges too much, but we definetly can help with the jealousy issue that seems to be fairly common, esp. with a highly competitent nanny.

1. PRAISE the parents! To the child and to the parents themselves (not in a condescending way, but "Wow, ____ loved that game you guys came up with yesterday! That is too clever" or "oh, by the way, LOVE LOVE LOVE the books you guys bought last night!"
2. involve them in what you and the child are doing. Children/Nannies have a tight bond, but hello, we are not some exclusive club, with no parents allowed.

okay, off my soapbox ;)

Anonymous said...

I was a nanny for 10+ years to a family with 3 kids their youngest (and my *baby*) with special needs. I became very close to the kids as well as the parents. It works great when there is team effort. I loved the children as if they were my own, and the parents loved that I felt that way. To this day, we are great friends and on occasion I have taken the kids on trips to Europe by myself or to visit my extended family in the states. It took a couple of years to recognize the gift we (the parents and I) were offering each other. good luck and do what you feel is best for you and the children.

cali mom said...

Interesting dilemma and Midwest Nanny had some great suggestions. As a mom w/out a nanny, I'd say it's GREat you love the kids so much, and my suggestion is, if the kids are old enough, to do something as MN suggested, and talk to THEM about this, explaining to them that their mommy and daddy LOVE them very much, and that even though Mommy and Daddy KNOW how much THEY love them, it might make Mommy and Daddy feel a little sad when they say that they like Nanny better, and if the kids are receptive after talking about it, you can call their parents and THEY can tell their parents over the phone that they love them.

I've had a similar thing come up once in a while where my 3 year old didn't want to say bye-bye or anything to Daddy when he was leaving for work and then said he didn't like Daddy, only Mommy. We were able to have that discussion later and he said he realy did love Daddy too, and then wanted to call Daddy just to say he loved him, and of course Daddy was very happy and it made his day to hear that little voice telling him that :). So that's my suggestion. You sound like a wondereful nanny!

eb said...

you realize this post came after two posts by moms home on maternity leave that are getting douched by nannies who arent doing their jobs?

if you are going to have a nanny and leave your children in the care of someone beside yourself, it is your obligation as a parent to put your crybaby tendencies on the shelf and hire the nanny that takes the very best care of your children.

surprise. she may do some things better than you.

in the end, isn't that better than doing things worse than you?

cali mom said...

'Scuse typos!

Anonymous said...

OP here. It is not a matter of mom and dad spending time with their kids. They are fantastic parents and we work as a team. Yes I am a live in nanny so the girls see me alot and yes I have been here since the oldest was born. And I do tell the girls stories about when I first moved here and how lucky we are that mommy and daddy wanted me to come take care of them. So they know that. It is just toddler tendencies. I just am not sure what to say to the parents or if I should say anything at all.

Anonymous said...

OP

Why are you getting so stressed about this...just let it go. Your doing a great job, so why are you letting this stress you so??

Why would you even address this to your boss, they hear what the kids are saying

Anonymous said...

I am a parent and I think the advice you got from other nannies is really great. I too would be thrilled with a nanny who loved my child and gave lots of affection. It is hard sometimes to watch the child go to the nanny first if he/she stumbles on the sidewalk or whatever, but I actually think this shows emotional health and security on the part of the child.

I agree with those who say kids go though phases where they say they like one adult more than another etc, especially if it seems it is pushing a button with the parent. So I would discount those occurences.

If you do feel slightly uncomfortable about the issue it may be that you are picking on a subtext from the parents, best illustrated by what the dad said to you. As a live in nanny, the boundaries may get blurred a bit. The parents may be feeling you are crossing the line a little too far in regards to the way the children are raised? Just asking. Our nanny was a partner and I truly treasured her in that way, because she taught me things and helped me when I was stuck on a discipline issue. However, we would tangle occasionally because she so strongly believed her way was best and while it might be best for HER relationship with my child, it wasn't always the best for MY relationship with my child. She couldn't always see that difference and it was the sole cause of friction between us, because she would feel I didn't respect her opinion, yada yada, basically it illustrated that as much as the approach to raising the children is a partnership, fundamentally the relationship is not a pure partnership. There are the parents and there is the paid caretaker. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just honest.

So my advice is to show just as much love, and the "my girls" thing is not a big deal, but maybe examine the conversation that led to the father saying what he did, and anything else that is making your gut slightly uncomfortable, especially if you love the job and want to keep it for many more years. As a previous nanny poster said, she got fired out of the blue because of a shortsighted jealous mom. Ridiculous and unfair, but it happens.

Anonymous said...

Regards: Also, dad dad said something along the lines of "they are my children, not yours" but not in a bad way, just in a conversation that is to long to go on about here.

Can yu write on what the whole conversation was about?? He may had said it jokingly, but usually theres something behind that. Somethings bothering him.

Instead of saying "my girls" maybe call them by their names. I have known nannies that call the kids by their first names. But also, call them honey, sweetheart, etc. Maybe, my girls annoy the parents if they hear it.

Anonymous said...

typo yu-you
sorry

Anonymous said...

As someone who doesn't have a lot of family left, I would be pleased to have you as my nanny. Your breed is tough to find and I think the family is very lucky. No, don't back off. The girls will wonder if they've done something wrong. Keep right on being the fine nanny you are. If the parents have an issue, they should check their egos at the door. Hold your head high.

Anonymous said...

Yes, 3 is the age for I don't want mommy to put on my shoes, I want daddy to. It will pass, and hopefully the parents understand this.
Referring to my girls is fine with other nannies etc. but I would use THE girls with the parents. As for the dad's comment, context is everything. Maybe he thinks you are making decisions on your own that you should ask about first? Check yourself periodically to make sure you are conferring with the parents regularly, so they don't feel you are over stepping your authority.
It sounds like you are a loving nanny, with a nice work family. We all have bumps in the road, don't stress over this, it kind of comes with the territory.
A Nanny

Anonymous said...

Nanny at 1:46,
my nanny refers to my sons as her boys. She has been with us for 4 years. Since they were babies. Unless you despise your nanny, (in which case, why is she working for you?), I think refering to the girls as her girls if fine. Alot of people will argue that a nanny is nothing but a paid employee and suggest that employers are crazy to think their nanny would ever grow to love their kids.

It happened in my home and I can't imagine it any other way. I don't want a cold person helping me to raise my children.

Anonymous said...

As a nanny, I who worked for a family where the two youngest girls were *very* attached to me. The one would sometimes stand at the door and cry for hours when I left.

They were wonderful parents, she was a stay at home mom, they got plenty of parental attention. It's not always about the parents doing something wrong.

It's a phase. That said, since it's sure to be causing at least a little hurt for the parents, I'd advocate sitting and talking to them.

Ie, "I notice that while soandso goes through this phase she is saying some things that might be hard to hear." and go from there. You could ask their feelings on it, and try to come up with some things you could all do to alleviate it. Maybe a special activity the child really loves every week that she only does with mommy, etc. You can also reassure them that it is a phase and will pass.

Anonymous said...

OP here. the context the dad said the comment "they are my girls not yours" was involving a conversation on me dating a single man who already had children of his own and why would I want to attach myself to a guy with a family when I want to have my own family one day. I said, it is not different loving someone elses children from a marriage than loving your children. to his response was.."well it is different, they are my children, not yours and you are not raising them, well you are raising them as part of a team, but it is still different". I dont' see the difference, I love the kids almost the same if I had given birth to them ( i dont' have kids of my own so i don't know that special bond, but i love them just as much). anyways, the problem is not the parents in fact, but more of myself feeling a bit guilty.

Anonymous said...

OP: Lighten up and don't worry about it. Sounds like you are a great nanny. I am a working mom of three and if my children did not love their nanny, she would not be our nanny. In my six plus years as a Mom, I have had a child go from hugging and kissing and saying they love me to 30 minutes later saying they hate me because I wouldn't give in to some demand. As a parent (or a nanny) you need to shrug those things off. There are days that Daddy is the one my daughter says she loves best, others it's me, others it's nanny. I've heard my oldest tell our nanny she hates her and wants a new nanny. (BTW, before I get a lecture about listening to my children, I KNOW the kids love her and she loves them. I've seen first hand, and neighbors have commented, how great she is with all my kids--I am 100% confident they are in wonderful care. When my daughter said this was right after nanny correctly refused to cook her something new when she changed her mind about what she asked wanted breakfast.) I would never take it personally if my child says she loves the nanny more just as a nanny shouldn't take it personally when a child acts out. That's why we are adults and they are children.

Anonymous said...

OP...I used to feel the same way you do about loving other children (namely my former step son) as much I could love my own. I would have taken a bullet for that boy and although his dad I divorced and he is grown now, I still love him very much in a parental way; however, despite the fact that I frequestly used the phrase "I couldnt love XXXX more if I had given birth to him," once I did have my own babies that I did give birth to (from my second husband, not XXXX's dad)I know I had no idea what I was talking. I am not belittling your love for these children and I believe it is true and real, but you have no idea what it is like to love a child that is truly your own until you have one.

Anonymous said...

9:17: Your children tell you they hate you? Sorry, but even if it is done is childish anger, there is something lacking in your parenting and/or relationship with your children. That is not normal or acceptable.

Anonymous said...

9:17

Get real!! All kids tell their parents at one time or the other I hate you, or I wish I had another mommy or daddy.
What planet are you from??

Anonymous said...

Opps! Last comment was geared toward 9:58

Anonymous said...

10:59: if that is true of you and your children I feel sorry for you. I never said any such thing to my parents (and they sometimes deserved it) and my children have never and I assure you, never will, say that to me. This is not normal. And it is quite sad that people think it is.

Anonymous said...

maybe 957 with the stepson, you always knew you would have children. I live every day for this day only. I have no children, only my step children. I don't hold anything back.To say you have to give birth to a child to really feel something is a slam against them millions and adoptive parents. And let's face it, some of these mothers are more like surrogates and the nannies are the 'real mothers'.

Anonymous said...

yeah, okay 11:04

I would like to see how many parents agree with you on this subject.

Your children will never say that to you, if they did what would you do? Statement "my children have never and I assure you, never will, gives me the impression they may be scared of you. What would you do if they did say that to you or something along those lines??? Would you think of yourself as a bad mother??

My son is only 20 months, but one day he may say something hurtful to me. It doesn't mean I am a bad mother. I love my son with all my heart.
If he is angry I want him to tell me how he feels. I want him to feel that he can come to me with whatever is on his mind. And that we can talk about it and work it out.

Anonymous said...

Not all parents are secure and confident enough to accept their children's love for the nanny. The issue of jealousy toward the nanny comes up frequently on parenting boards.

To get back to the OP's question. No, don't cut back on the love you show the children, but since you feel tension from the parents, I would ask for a time to sit and talk about how things are going, and see if you can draw them out as to whether they feel you are too possessive with the children.

gloria said...

to the op,
if a parent wants a nanny that doesnt love their kid too much, i know many. they don't even look at the kids. maybe that will help the parent be confident that they are the preeminant force in the child;s life.

i just saw this story in a neighboring town:

It comes from KRQV 5.



BROWNSVILLE - Two little girls' trust in their babysitter landed a Brownsville man in jail.

Police say Manuel Zapata sexually abused the two girls. They kept the secret for over a year.

Elizabeth Shull, the Monica's House Executive Director, says "If the child is being sexually abused or physically abused, the perpetrator may say, 'Shhh... This is a secret. Don't tell anyone.'"

Investigators tell NEWSCHANNEL 5 that maybe the case for this latest incident. It wasn't until the babysitter came along, that authorities were notified.

"A babysitter... it's someone they can trust and go to," says Shull.

She says it's common for young kids to confide in a sitter rather than their own mom or dad. She tells us this is because of "fear of retaliation or the fear of mom and dad not believing them."

"A child doesn't want their parent to say, 'You're lying,'" she says.

Shull suggests parents and babysitters keep an open line of communication, because in this case, that made all the difference.

Zapata was charged with two counts of aggravated sexual assault of a child and two counts of indecency with a child. Police aren't releasing how the 36-year-old know the girls or any detail about the abuse in order to protect the alleged victims' identities.

Zapata's bond has been set at $200,000.
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Anonymous said...

11:29: I never intended to have children of my own. I was infertile. It was not until I remarried that I found a doctor that could help me. That's why I was in my late 30's before I had my first.

Anonymous said...

Gloria: Intersting story but this is relevant to this posting how?

Anonymous said...

11:52. My children are absolutely not scared of me. They LOVE me because I show them unconditional love and they know that even people who love each other can disagree or even dislike each other at times, but hatred is not an emotion that is possible in the realm of real love. We express this attitude in our household and with our children.

IF they said they hated me, there would be no punishment, but they would know how sad it made me or how badly I was hurt because I love them so much. But due to the healthy open nature of our relationship, it would never happen.

My parents taught me a lot about raising kids....namely what NOT to do in raising my own kids. Although it was not an easy childhood for me, my childen are better off for having a mother that understands that LOVE and NOT FEAR are the answer no matter what the question because I never had much of the first and had too much of the second growing up.

Anonymous said...

219 am,
i'm no genius but just guessing this story shows the benefit of being close to the nanny.

Anonymous said...

me again
217 am,
maybe you were bitter about it and couldnt open your heart. i have 4 friends who have adopted kids. two of them have 'natural' kids alongside the adopted ones and they dont love the natural ones anymore. and yes in one case they adopted because they didnt think they could have kids.

Anonymous said...

846: I was not bitter about anything. AND I purposely did not say that you could only love children that you give birth to because I was account for those who adopt...those are your own children as well. Do you have children? Do you really think it is possible to love someone else's chald as much as you love your own. I dont know why I have to keep going over this. It's ludicrous.

Anonymous said...

an adopted child is someone else's child. some adopted children are adopted at 3,4,5, and 10.

Yes, I really think it is possible to love someone else's child as much as your own.

Anonymous said...

3:15: Then I pity your poor children.

Anonymous said...

8:27 PM
How do you measure the quantity or quality of love? I think 3;15's children are lucky, She has an open loving heart. We don't possess a finite quantity to be doled out. Loving someone else's child takes nothing away from your own. Some people can only love their own biological children because their love is based in narcissism, or satisfying their own emotional needs.

Report Bad Mamas Now said...

10:39,
Aces High.
And there is a book written for those sad and unfortunate children.

Children of the Self-Absorbed.
Those children are so empty inside.
They photograph well.
Mama wouldn't have it any other way.

Anonymous said...

3:15 has not answered if she, in fact, even has children.

Anonymous said...

OP


I didn't adopt any children. But heres my view as a biological parent. I still remember my reaction that nite after my son was born. Once, I was settled in my room, and I had him in my arms it was the most amazing feeling. I will never forget, the feeling that came over me. I never felt that way before for anyone or anything. It wasn't a shock but a feeling of amazement. I couldn't believe he was mine.


Okay now I know I am off the subject : )

Anonymous said...

Dude, if Brad can grow to love that damn Maddox and Zahara, who picked out as formed human beings, I think a nanny certainly grow to love the babies she helps raise in to children.

And yes, Just like her own.
Do you really think Brad loves shiloh more than that damn Maddox?

Anonymous said...

4:44:

Yeah,well, you never know. You might have actually had the same reaction to an adopted child being handed to you had you suffered through years of infertility and longing for a child.

I think that yes, you can love someone else's child as much as you would love your own. I grew up with an "honorary parent" in my life who I loved more than anyone related to me biologically at the time.

Genes alone don't do it for me. That's why I married my husband instead of my brother. :0)

Anonymous said...

I think Brad and Angelina love the nonbiological kids more than their own flesh and blood. You hardly ever see Shiloh in pictures with them. Usually, its the other three. Poor Shiloh is on the back burner.

Anonymous said...

Brad and Angelina have babies for publicity and anyone who cannot see that is blind. They are a joke.

Anonymous said...

You mean for PHOTO OPPS?
Do you think they ever spend any time with those kids if the camera isnt on>?

Anonymous said...

When I first became a Nanny my boss and I discussed this because I have a tendency to put myself in the parents place and I know how hard it is for some parents to leave their children w/someone else. As it turned out we never really did have a problem with it but she and I became good friends and I think talking about it from the beginning helped to ease her stress and it helped me too. So maybe talking with the parents saying something to the effect of I have been sensing a little tension and I wanted to talk to you about it and let them talk by making it a subject you brought up they maybe more willing to talk and express themselves making them feel better as well as easing the stress. It can be hard on the children if it is a lot of tension. Anyway, good luck!

Janet said...

I can't find the words to appropriately express how I am disgusted by those that suggest that those who have adopted children love them less than if they were biological offspring.

I am an adoptive parent of fraternal twins. I chose to adopt because I wanted to and not because I am infertile or too old to safely conceive. I love my babies with all of my heart. My love is not qualified by their origination point.

Those "feelings" that the biological mothers were referring to are hormonal swings that come along naturally with birthing. OF COURSE you feel a great charge when you hold in your hands that which you birthed. That's what I felt, too, when I had my own biological child.

OF COURSE you love your children.
But that is because they are yours and not because they are of your body.

Anonymous said...

Well said, janet. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Janet

Why are you getting so upset. I just put my view as a biological parent. No offense to anyone that adopts.

I love my son because he came from my husband and I. I never thought I would have kids and when I did, it was the best feeling to finally see him.

Anonymous said...

I am not Janet but your words offended me too. Did you ever read about the mother who left custody of her children to the nanny when she died of ovarian cancer? Why do you think, she the mother did that?

Your words are very hurtful to all of the non traditional families out there. How wonderful for you that you were able to have children. It doesn't make you a better person. Some people will never be able to have their own biological children. Some people will choose never to have their own biological children.

I know a grandmother raising her grandchildren as her own children. The twist? I know an Aunt raising her three nephews as her own. I have a friend who adopted a four year old from Russia. A neighbor who adopted a baby from China and two older children from the Bronx, USA.

Anonymous said...

I got cut off.

The point is when adopting some of these children they had conditional or temporary custody. The children from the Bronx were foster children first. Should these amazing adults have decided not to give these child their whole hearts because they weren't there own children and they had no idea how it would end. No. I just don't know what to say. I am so upset with you and your high and might birthing experience.

Wooofuckinghoooo. A functioning vagina.

Nanny for 8 years said...

I love my babies too. - But they aren't mine... And nobody wrote about ages but I'm sorry 3 years olds speciality of being rude. I love you and I hate you are more than close to each other. Mood swings, what hard to handle.
I remember "my" now 5 year old how poisonous was she...
Please don't take it seriously. They know who they parents are. And you are the one they spend most of their time with...what do you and the parents expect?
Love is unconditional, untouchable.
Lovely isn't it?

Nanny for 8 years said...

I love my babies too. - But they aren't mine... And nobody wrote about ages but I'm sorry 3 years olds speciality of being rude. I love you and I hate you are more than close to each other. Mood swings, what hard to handle.
I remember "my" now 5 year old how poisonous was she...
Please don't take it seriously. They know who they parents are. And you are the one they spend most of their time with...what do you and the parents expect?
Love is unconditional, untouchable.
Lovely isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Your 3-year-old specialized in being rude and you refer to your 5-year-old as poisonous??? Makes me wonder who is the poisonous one. I have a 3-year-old. She is a joy.

Anonymous said...

I think the family is very lucky to have you. Most children in this age range go through a huge attachment to the person that cares for them most often. It is very normal. The parents jealous and that is normal as well. Perhaps they do not understand that this is a phase and that she will grow out of it. Possibly you can sit down when the children are asleep and have a conversation and ask for their input or ideas on how all of you can work together. The important things is that the children are obviously loved by many!

Anonymous said...

Hi there.

I do not have a nanny and adore my daughter, but saying that, if I did employ a nanny I would be extremely fortunate and secure having a nanny like you.

As was said earlier, you have been part of this family for the duration of this child's life, she is bound to be attached to you. I had the same predicament some years ago with a child I looked after. I explained to the child that although I did indeed love her very much, her mommy was her mommy and loved her even more and what a lucky girl she was to have a great mommy and nanny who loved her all the time. I found it also helped to back away when mom was around too so we didn't 'compete' for the child's affections and mom got some alone time with the child.

Anonymous said...

Those children are very lucky to have you, and so are the parents.
If they are not happy with this, then one of the parents needs to quit working, and raise their own kids.
I watched my goddaugther from she was 2,5 months until she was almost 5, and she startet calling me "mom" early (she heard my own kids call me mom too), and around 8-10 months of age,she cried when her mom picked her up at the end of the day.She streched her arms towards me,and cried for me...
That hurt me, actually, becuase I felt bad for the mom.
It must hurt to see its own child be more attached to the daycareprovider than mom herself.
I think at that point, I would find out whats really important in life: A good paying job away from home, or stay home with my kids until they start school.

Those early years are SO important!!

Sandy said...

My partner is a nanny to two girls, ages 3 & 5. They have great parents who do their best to spend time with their daughters, but my partner has them for 10 out of 12 of their waking hours every day. Both girls tell their parents that they love the nanny more, and they tell my partner that she's not their mommy/daddy and they don't have to listen to her. It's all part of being a kid and testing their boundaries. I for one would worry about kids who don't go through this phase. It's a normal part of growing up, just like kids who only want daddy to put them to bed or refuse to let anyone but mommy brush their hair. OP, it sounds like you are working with wonderful children. They are blessed to have so many adults who love them in their lives.

lynn said...

Hi, I am a filipino nanny in New York City and I am botherer from what this nanny said that "she does not think a nanny can give her any opinion about her situation". Well, I work with this family for 16 years now, took care of three boys since birth and the oldest is 16 years and 5 months now, the middle one is turning 14 years old in October and the youngest is 12 years and 4 months. I was a live-in nanny for 8 years. During those times, I would always feel the tension/jealousy between the parents and the grandparents. If it was not for the kids I should have left them a long time ago. The kids are very close to me, I give them hugs and kisses, and always tell them that I love them when the parents are not around. I don't show this kind of affection in front of the parents because I know it will confuse the kids and I find it inappropriate to do it in front of the parents. I know it would make their mom jealous so much. There were instances that kids would look for me instead of their mom. I am a mom, too, and I know how I would feel if you were in her shoes. BEST ADVICE---IT IS OK TO SHOW THEM AFFECTION BUT MAKE SURE NOT TO OVERDO IT AND SHOWING IT OFF TO THE PARENTS---

Anonymous said...

Talk to the parents. Tell them your thoughts and feelings. Don't allow this to get out of hand. You like your job....keep it by using proper protocol.

Tiffany said...

I think that you situation with the children is what most children need. Security. It is important that the kids feel like they can love and trust all parties involved in their upbringing. As a mother I had a very simular situation with my aunt and my son. He seemed to love her more than he loved me. I came to realize that he is spending more time with her then he did me. So as a child it seemed to him as if she was mommy. But when in my presence and he said things like that she had to tell him that no one loves him more than I did. I was mommy and no one else can replace my love for him. Parents has to realize that children are impressional. And the more time they spend with a loving person parent or nanny, they looked to them with a different kind of love. Children really do not know the difference and might have to be reminded. At the end he know who his mother was and who his aunt was as he got older. Things will work out fine. Please do not lose or leave your family.

Anonymous said...

I am an involved father, and I would love nothing more than to have our nanny be a better "surrogate parent" than my wife and I are. I would even love for our child to prefer the nanny; this would only mean to me that we need to be better parents, and would take nothing away from the nanny. What is good for my child is good for me.

Anonymous said...

First and most importantly, there is no such thing as too much love! The fact that you are concerned shows how caring you are and how respectful you are of not only the parents but of the girls' well-being. You would not cross the line or try to "steal" the girls' hearts from their parents.

I have two boys, ages 3 & 4 ... and we have a nanny. I have never heard either of our children us they prefer the nanny, but the youngest will occasionally tell Daddy he doesn't like him or he won't let Daddy help him. We know it's a phase but it still hurts my husband's feelings ... and makes me sad too. I would suggest two things you can do: 1) Let your charges know that talking that way ("I don't like you.") to anyone isn't nice and isn't allowed; and 2) Remind the girls often about the wonderful qualities of their parents ("I'm glad your daddy was able to fix your doll. He loves you so much. You're lucky to have a daddy who's so handy.")

Best of luck to you!

Lauren said...

who's the stallion who rode in at 12 noon? Is that a man or is that a man?? Wow.

Most sensible comment I have read yet.

Anonymous said...

I was a nanny for 7 yrs and now a single parent. My sister is currently a nanny for a family for 13 yrs in NYC. The boy was more connected to my sister then his parents. When he was younger. She is a live in and he would knock on her door and want to be with her when she was off duty. (She didn't mind) but the parents did. She always showed him affection and still does at 13 yrs old. The boy always gave her kisses too. The mother would be hurt when he would say things like that about my sister and not to his own mom. I know she felt guilty.
I always showed love and affection to the kids and I think that is great. You are teaching the kids about love and affection. Don't distance yourself to the kids since they are so used to your affection. They will sense it and wonder if they did something wrong.

Anonymous said...

I comment at 2:57pm and I said to the father of the kids I was a nanny for I love the kids as my own and he said you can't because they are not yours. I remember that 7 yrs later because I am now a parent to a 5 yr old and he was right. It is a different kind of love. But looking back to his 2 kids. I really did love those kids ages 3 and 6. The bond is different.

Anonymous said...

3:22...that was the only point I was trying (I was 9:57, as well as several other comments defending myself) to make to help the Nanny not feels so bad, but it turned into a huge attack on me and some kind of warped adoption debate. Thank you for getting it back to some semblance of reason.

Anonymous said...

Nanny, don't let this bother you so. I am sure the parents would rather see you love the child and the child love you than not love the child. Too many horrible nannies out there and I am sure the parents are thrilled they found a great one.

Anonymous said...

i am a mother of three i also am raiseing my sister i call my sister mine al the time i d feel gratefull to have another loveing parent figqure in my childrens life

Anonymous said...

I am the mother of six kids and have had various nannies for 20 years. I can tell you that I am VERY WELL adjusted to the fact that the primary caregiver is the nanny and that it is not out of line for kids to say these things. If it bothers the parents, they need to realize that it is normal behavior for kids and means NOTHING in the long run. My nannies were always WAY MORE FUN then me - as my kids used to say. They were also younger as I used to answer.

Anonymous said...

4:44..that's hysterical because that is the same response my "mom" that I work for tells her baby boy when he says that I'm more fun. She says "That's because Dana is 27 and I'm 45!"

hahahaha

Anonymous said...

Maybe the mom should check herself and see that children do that sometimes and that if she is worried she should spend more time with her kids. She is jealous and she should not be. You take great care of her kids and they love you. If mom can't appreciate you and if she feels her children should only love her then maybe she should stay home with them. Sinlge mom who loves that her babysiter loves her daughter and that her daughter loves her babysiter. Having strong relationships in ones life only enhances us.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Mom back at work, struggling with the guilt, trying to figure a way make ends meet without working. I am Extremely luck and grateful to have a nanny who I know loves my 6 mo. old son just as much as I do. My son gets just as much affection and attention from the nanny as from me. He loves his Nanny. This is how I think it should be.

The unnerving part is that the nanny makes comments like she loves him so much she wants to keep him. She may steal him. She laughs as if this is a joke. What is the best way to approach her about how this concerns me?

Anonymous said...

I am a nanny as well, but I have to say you are doing a great job...if the child didn't like you there would be a problem...my boss loves the fact that her children love me. If the children don't love their nanny, then what are the nannies doing to those kids. Any parent should feel wonderful when their child is happy and obviously your charges are happy with you. Plus you know how kids are...she probably wanted some sort of attention from her mother and knew she could get it that way

Sue Doe-Nim said...

I don't have, need or want a nanny.

But if I had, needed or wanted a nanny I'd want someone who loved my kids.

Someone like you.

When you become a parent you put your children's needs first. They need to be loved by their caretakers. If mom is jealous she should stay home.

Anonymous said...

You are too involved with this family. You really need to go out their and associate with other people besides this family.

Maybe, the dad got the sense you were getting to involved to close. You have to keep boundaries, and not overstep them

Anonymous said...

955,
lmao. How would one overstep a boundary as a nanny? My nanny came in to my home when I was 2 months ppg with twins, 2 weeks before I returned to work with twins. She helped me wean the children from the breast to the bottle.She was so helpful at a time when I needed her. She made going back to work after my first children as easy as it could be. There is no line in the sand. How would I ever ask her not to love my children as much?

Your response makes little sense. My nanny has been with me four years and we now have three children. Does being close to the nanny make things easy all the time? No, because we have feeling attatched to what we do for each other and the children. But would I trade for anything the fact that I have a nanny that would throw herself in traffic for anyone of my children? Or me?

Nope.

Anonymous said...

I would save the kids if something was going to happen, I wouldn't save your butt. I doubt you would do the same for your precious nanny.