Received Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I accidentally overheard a telephone conversation this morning in which my nanny referred to me as "Aunt Mommy". I had to literally research the term because I did not understand the connotations. The nanny has been with us 5 months and I really thought she was seven shades of wonderful. Maybe it was because she punctuated her comment with a displeased laugh- I just want her gone. Is this irrational? Will I feel differently tomorrow? She is out with the children now, which is a good thing because I don't think I could stand to be in the same room as her.
83 comments:
I would normally sympathize with you as a mother. But why is she out with your children? And you are home?
Aunt Mommy being a popular term being used now to refer to moms who are not involved in their children's life and now as much about their children as say an Aunt in another state. Is that understanding correct?
An Aunt might call up before a child's birthday and ask the child's mother "what would henry like for his birthday this year". That would be normal.
An Aunt Mommy has to ask the nanny what Henry would like for his birthday this year because she is so damn disconnected.
Maybe take it as a wake up call and reconnect with your children. The nanny may have done you a favor. If you fuck up raising your children, what good are you?
An aunt mommy has only a peripheral place in the child's life compared to what a parent is expected to do.
Ask yourself, Is this you?
Why are you attacking the mother? The nanny took a job, obviously for a stay at home mother. She should keep her big trap SHUT!
I'm not going to be as harsh as you're bond to hear on here. I will say I understand your feelings being hurt and your nanny was not very smart to talk negatively about you in your own home where you might hear her. You do need to ask yourself if you fall under the definition of an Aunt Mommy though. Sometimes the truth hurts. But if you spend lots of quality time with your children and are involved than your nanny was just being caddy and maybe you should confront her and let her know you were offended.
I meant bound to hear
First thing is first. You need to ask yourself if you are hurt because the nanny is right or because she is wrong. If she is right, than you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and make some changes. Thank that nanny for being there for your children and for saying something, even if it wasn't meant for you to hear. Sometimes the truth hurts more than lies.
If, however, she is wrong and you are that upset with her you need to get rid of her. No talking to her is going to make you forget what you just heard. Your relationship with your nanny will never be the same.
Good luck!
TUMBS UP TO THIS NANNY..SHE WOKE YOU UP....
I don't care if the OP deserves the title "aunt mommy" or not. The problem is, you do not refer to the mother as such in front of the children. It's as bad as saying "fat mommy" or "alcoholic daddy". Sure, the mom may be fat and the dad may be alcoholic, but why reference them as such in front of their kids? What purpose does it serve except to denigrate another human being?
She said she "accidently" overheard a phone conversation the nanny was having, you don't know if it was said in front of the children or not.
As a SAHM with a nanny myself (who was bashed mercilessly on another thread), I think 4:12 is on the right track. If you're hurt because deep inside you don't feel as connected with your kids as you'd like, this is an opportunity to reasses your relationship with them. If you feel confident about your bond with your children and are hurt because the nanny was disrespectul to you in your own home, then get rid of her. There are too many wonderful nannies out there to waste your time/money on a disrespectful one.
I agree that this should serve as a wake up call. The Nanny probably feels that you may not be as involved with your children as much as you should be ... was she not out with them at a time when you were at home? Could you have gone with them, or involved yourself more in their activities? I understand if your a WAHM, but a SAHM should try to be a little more active in the childrens lives. I think SAHMs with Nannys should use the privilage of having a Nanny to "enhance or enrich" the childrens lives ... you can never have too many people love your children. Did your Nanny disrespect you? I think that is more the problem, than whether or not she was telling the truth - because only you know that answer. You should have a sit down with her and tell her you overheard her conversation, and let her know that it bothered you. Open the lines of communication -- you said she was 7 shades of wonderful ... and your kids probably love her to death, right? I say try to work through it, then let it go.
get off the computer and go be with your kids!
5:56 she is posting about an issue which affects her children.
"Just because the mother doesn’t work doesn’t mean that she sees more of her children. There will also be a nanny, a housekeeper and possibly even a weekend nanny. After all, Mummy is terribly busy, what with doing up the house (again) and perfecting her tennis serve. The overclass travel much more than the underclass, but in a way that keeps their bubble intact. They would not dream of using public transport, for instance. So their children have to be driven to and from school either by the chauffeur or by the mother in her 4x4 on her way to tennis lessons. While the children have travelled widely to other countries (first class, naturally, to avoid contamination), they know little about the rest of the nation in which they live. And, even in their own city, they won’t have been to Southall, Brick Lane or Peckham, or any of the other areas that ooze local character. Their bubble extends only to the borough limits of Kensington and Chelsea and Westminster. "
This was just published an hour ago in London.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/mary_ann_sieghart/article1961649.ece
"Parallel Universe"
I agree with most everything being said here. OP needs to evaluate, calm down and make a decision and maybe a change.
However I don't see that she said she was a SAHM so lets not get into that crazy argument. She may have been home before or after work, who knows!
Lets try to help here without getting obsessed over a detail that really isn't clear.
--A mom who is with her son during the morning and has his dad in the afternoon/evening. -For anyone who wants to know if I am a SAHM with or without nanny, I am not! :)
Dear OP,
You overheard something. You may have overheard it wrong. Maybe she was talking to a friend on the phone and the friend was complaining about working so much and she said, "you don't want to be an aunt mommy".
If your nanny is 7 shades of great, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe you hurt her feelings earlier and she was on edge and misspoke about you. That is real. In the real world, people do say things they shouldn't. They have regret. They apologize. They learn and move on.
I am sorry these people jumped down your throat about the fact that you were home and your children were out. You could be home packing for a vacation, have a broken leg, have MS or be a WOHM.
Good luck.
Take a word of advice from me-
as I witnessed a very good nanny relationship go down the tubes. Deal with it between yourself and the nanny. You overheard something. You think she was speaking about you. Settle it.
And move on. Don't be dramatic, passive aggressive or attempt to retaliate. All of those things are small and not practical for a mother who is a role model to her children-which I am sure you are.
5:44 & 8:48 make good sense. Try to calm down and not be angry when you approach her. Even if you are positive the comment was said in a derogatory way. If your children are really attached, then firing her would have a very negative impact on them, and I'm sure you don't want them upset.
5:56 Why do you have to be nasty? She came on here for advice concerning her children ... it's not as if she is playing games.
OP .... please let us know what happens, and what you decide to do.
Good luck.
I really agree that you should probably bring this up with your nanny. I think that if you can be as honest as you can with her, you have every right to expect the same from her. I haven't personally heard of "aunt mommy" ever before, but in all fairness, she didn't say "deadbeat" or "Bad mommy" or anything.
Also, you did only hear half of the conversation, and while you can speculate all you want, you should make sure you know the whole story before letting yourself be so hurt over all of this.
Aunt Mommy is a term used by sanctimonious sahms when describing sahms with nannies and working moms. So ask yourself, who is the sanctimonious sahm who is a bug in the ear of your nanny?
I would hunt HER down.
And yet somewhere in Darfur, people wrestle with real issues of life and death.
You know what? I've "overheard" telephone conversations in which it turns out the words I "overheard" were actually quite different in fact. You might have heard "Aunt Mommy" because that's an issue in YOUR head, when your nanny said something like "and mommy" or something else quite innocuous. Or as another poster said, maybe she was passing on gossip from another nanny...you just don't know what you were hearing.
I also think the idea that this affects the kids is silly.
This post is interesting. I think that it's funny how many employers of nannies are surprised when they find out that their nannies have even one negative thing to say about them. Doesn't everybody say things about their bosses, especially when they feel they are having a private conversation? It is only natural and normal. If you think your employees think you are perfect, then you are foolish.
Secondly, I agree that the mom may have heard it incorrectly. The one and only nanny job I had ended after a year and the parents were convinced that I had posted negative things about them on craigslist when in actuality I had not: I did visit a board where the nannies were all venting about their employers and they saw that I had visited the posts and assumed I had written some, which was just not true. Of course it was all anonymous but they had convinced themselves that the posts were from me, even though they were vague, had no names and no details. The worst part was they never came to me with this concern and I worked with them for about a year when I gave notice. I found out after the fact that they had been talking trash about me from a parent they talked to that I babysit for.
Just deal with it. Even if she did in fact insult you, either get over it or fire her. But for God's sake, tell her why and good luck finding a nanny who thinks you are perfect.
That's all.
Well said 9:15.
I think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Move on as if nothing has happened and if something else comes up I would address it immediately.
Wow OP, it's funny how these misunderstandings happen. You know what, I regularly visit this website, it's called something like "I saw your nanny." It's all about bad nannies who do evil things.
I let my nanny use my computer when she's not busy, and the other day she noticed that I had been logged on to that website. Her feelings were really hurt. I tried to explain to her that I was just reading all the funny posts about the bad nannies, but she didn't believe me. It sucks.
11:36,
I would have went with,
"I love all of the insight and intelligent commentary that nannies like Annie provide."
I agree with one of the people above that the term Aunt Mommy is a term used by sanctimonious moms who don't use nannies. Do you have a frenemy your nanny runs in to while out with your children?
I read in Glamour today that in the polygomous relationships in Utah they refer to their other mothers (not birth mothers) as "Aunt _____". Hmmmmm......
I also think it is a term moms use. I've had playdates with a wide variety of nannies, and I have never heard the term.
UES Nanny
Absolutely. If you are a sahm who doesn't take care of your children, you have to know people are ragging on you. Especially those who do. They like nothing more than to wag their tongues and pass judgement. Everything they do for their child, every effort, everything they even dislike doing- the pleasure they get in judging you makes it all worthwhile.
I should know. I used to be among the crowd you're in with. Hated Westchester.
West Coast is so much better.
A better class of people.
I don't know where you are from OP, but it reminds me of the place that made me miserable for the first four years of my daughter's life!
Elise,
A better class of people? How can that be if you are included in that group?
I work for a SAHM. I hate the fact that I have to defend her decision of hiring responsible child care to anyone. I really enjoy working for her, and can honestly say that in my almost two decades as working as a nanny, this is my best job. I'm not stressed, she's not stressed, it's a great arrangement. So, don't judge unless it's your own shoes you're judging.
B if you really felt that loud & proud, couldn't you do better than one initial. Whatcha fear fo?
Yo life?
If you say the wrong thing.
11:42,
Good for you for having a great cushy job, and I'm glad the mom you work for is happy with her own life.
But the reason why you have to defend your employer so much is that it makes people sick how there are so many poor kids in our own country who are starving, or in foster care and don't have anyone at all, or are special needs and their parents can't afford help, and your employer sits on her ass and pays someone to take care of her kids when she should be doing it.
Just thought I'd clear that one up for you.
But again, it's great that you two are not stressed. After all, that's the important thing...
anon @11:44 at least b used an initial; you're hiding behind "anonymous"
Nice red herring, Mary. How does B working for a SAHM create suffering for other children? And who said the SAHM isn't taking care of her kids? B's help just enhances her ability to do so -- she can do MORE for her kids with the help. What is your situation, Mary? Are you a nanny (if so, is the care a nanny provides somehow inferior to that provided by a mother?)? a SAHM without help (if so, how many kids do you have? any family help?) You really need to ask yourself why it bothers you so much that some anonymous kids on the internet have two loving women taking care of them -- it's a good thing.
Claire, everybody has had enough of you, hon. Get off the boards and go play with your children. (Unless they are at squash practice with their nanny, that is.)
They should ban you from this site, they really should.
Deb,
Where my children are at this moment is none of your concern. This is actually an interesting topic and touches on many salient issues pertaining to how we as a society view mothering. What is your personal experience of this? Do you not believe that women should be supported in the care of their children? Must motherhood necessarily be an isolated (and isolating) vocation? What are your THOUGHTS on this topic, Deb? In discussions/debates descent to ad hominem attacks and pleas to go away usually mean you don't have a rebuttal. So I ask: What is wrong with a child receiving more love and care? I'd love to hear your thoughts on it -- I'm sure you're intelligent enough to express an actual opinion.
You go, Claire!
I hate it when people tell posters they don't care for to go away like a whiny little child. And they never have a good arguemnet to offer either. It's an international board people! You are going to get a LOT of different views. If you don't like it, go throw a tantrum in the corner.
PS Whiny brats: telling people to go away doesn't work. I'm still here. hehehe.
Claire, don't go away, you are spot on. I know SAHMs who are stressed, exhausted, and shot tempered with their children, who must spend hours in front of the TV so mom can do housework. Probably most SAHMs do a great job, but staying home does not automatically make you super mom!
Claire ~
Good job sticking up for yourself! I'd be surprised if Deb actually had the nerve to give you a rebuttal, tee-hee. She'd have to consult Websters before taking you on.
I really enjoy coming onto these boards and reading the opinions of posters .... and I definately have my favorites, too. (jmt, anybody?)
;)
Sorry, JTM I must disagree with you: there are several posters on this board who I wish would just go away because they are annoying, although Claire isn't one of them for me.
And perhaps Claire is not getting a rebuttal because the person she is seeking has a (gasp!) job or else is actually doing something with their children instead of camping out on the boards as she has been doing for the past several days I have noticed by the times of her posts.
I try to take all posts with a grain of salt. That is to say, anyone can post as anon or another name and agree with themselves, I won't mention any names though because you know who you are and it's sad.
As far as stay at home moms having full-time nannies, well I am not one to pass judgement on one's career choice or the choice to not have a career, so I will leave that to others.
B here. I'm pretty well known in the nanny community and my name is unusual. Let's just say my name isn't Becky or Britney. I'm sure a few recognize me. My family is also semi-high profile, so no thanks. I've purposefully kept them anonymous on all groups I belong to becuase quite frankly, people are weird.
semi-high profile? wow. that's awesome.
B again
Mary, YOU are exactly the type of jealous, pendantic type I have to explain myself to over and over. If you have such a bleeding heart for children, by all means, foster, adopt, start a free in home daycare in your own home, open your womb to host a pregnancy for some woman who can't have one herself. There are also extenuating circumstances in which I haven't shared nor do I feel I have to. I go to work with a smile on my face, have a boss who not only considers me a great asset but a friend and a family friend.
Thank you Claire and the other posters who see the value of hiring responsible loving childcare for your children.
Anon-3:22
It's really not that awesome, I promise. Ok, it does have a few perks, but I can't go into specifics. It just means I have to be more careful who I talk to about who I work for. Plus, the industry they are in is such a six degrees situation. They know at least two of my former employees, also semi-high profile pretty well.
Hi 2:54
I would never tell anyone to get off this board because that's not how it works. I WISH some people would stop coming here: the fakers, the haters, the texters (H8 U!). But the people who are very different from my way of thinking teach me something every day.
Cheers!
Fire her, she has no right to speak about you that way and in your home. You are a sahm and you should be proud of yourself and you shouldn't feel bad because you have a nanny god bless you .
If you are a SAHM and hired a nanny then your children are probabl;y better off and that is most exactly the reason your wonderful nanny called you Aunt Mommy.
Jmt is right. All are welcome to post here. Hopefully their hearts are in the right place and that is concern for children and the strength to stand up for a child. I've learned from others here. It's good to have discussion and to hear others' points of view.
Who cares who B is??? Aren't we here to talk about nannies and, in this case, apparently neglectful parents: Aunt Mommies?
My personal experience with people who sign their posts or emails as "B" is that they are cheating control freaks that seek to create havoc and misery.
this is a wake up call for alot of you "moms." get off your ass and take care of your own kids. i dont feel sorry for you.
I agree with the others who said to truly ask yourself whether or not the term really does apply to you and your relationship with your children. If it doesn't, then perhaps assume she was talking to another nanny friend, and the mother that nanny assists. If the term does apply to you, honestly, be mad at yourself, and not at the nanny who a spade a spade. Maybe she's doing you and your children a favor.
The personal attacks are undignified. It is the one of the few requests we make regarding comments.
NO personal attacks.
Whoa, you took off certain things but people calling someone a bitch is OK? WTF? Hello, double standards JANE. You realize that you also are leaving up links to a MINOR. Do you get how sued your ass could be over that??? Might want to take down THOSE references, instead of sticking up for people who are known instigators of problems in the nanny world. There's a reason why they all flocked to one small list. None of the others wanted them or will tolerate them.
What minnor?
How did a bunch of feuding nannies land on this blog?
Fly away.
You bring way too much baggage.
This whole Deb and Claire thing is just annoying.
Please refer to the comment left by "annoynmous" at 12:47 pm. It refers to MY minor child.
The nannies are self distructing and bringing my child into this.
Enough is enough.
It isn't hard to figure out who is who in the nanny world. It doesn't take much to figure out to whom a post refers. That is why most people don't refer to themselves by their real names. Especially their children or charges.
But to leave a comment on here that DOES refer to a minor is NOT OK.
Whomever left that comment or has control over it being posted please delete it.
Stop hiding by clicking the anonymous identity and own your statements. Have some balls.
Our children need to be protected.
211,
There is a nanny world?
It's not a world I care about.
I guarantee you no one is trying to figure out who you are.
I could not be LESS interested.
This entire thread is a testimate to the stupidity of nannies.
Not all nannies. But where did you people come from? What's with all of the drama?
Thanks for a good laugh.
Tempermental, catty nannies.
Yeah- I'd want you working in my home or near my three year old.
I bet your employers feel like they have another child to take care of. Here's hoping your salary reflects your stupidity.
Why did I click on recent comments?
mic may have left the most absurd comment I have ever read in any blog forum. It's too early for this. Too early.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
If this were my nanny, I would slap her across the face. So many nannies have no respect for their employers.
Susan Tepper? Is that you @ 3:16?
I think I heard Susan Tepper is exchanging steamy prison letters with Bobby Cutts.
Vi-you couldn't afford most of us to be honest. I mean, we do make three to four time minimum wage, AN HOUR.
WOW....maybe Jane should start a special board where all you catty cry-babies can just insult each other and fight day and night (and the rest of us can read it for amusement) instead of you all taking up space in the comment section that is supposed to be about a posting.
Ummmm....
"Aunt Mommy" translates roughly into "Bitch with a womb and a checkbook"
I'm not saying you're a bitch or a neglectful mother but your nanny sure is.
Everyone bashing the Mother ASSUMED she was a SAHM. Maybe she works from home?
A Nanny
Assumers have become very good at bashing SAHMs. SAHMs are being bashed for all kinds of stupid reasons. They even get bashed for leaving the kids with a nanny in order to visit the OBGYN. They are expected to bring all kids with them wherever they go. Bashers need to get a life because they are just a bunch of unicellular organisms unhappy with their own miserable existence. I am all fo r SAHMs, whether or not they choose to get help.
I am a Sahm with a FT nanny, but are you the cliche poster?
Makes an ass out of your and me?
I'm following you tonight. :)
I am 11:33pm. What do you mean by "cliche poster"?
The poster who says, "you know what happens when you assume, don't you?"
Is this the night owl club? Can we go to the chatroom?
Hi 11:39pm. You are so funny! No, I am not the "assume" poster. This is the first time ever that I have used the word "assume" on this blog. I was responding to 11:09pm. I worked for a SAHM and I had a great time with her. Neither of us were stressed out because the kids always had two people to play with, sometimes at the same time, and sometimes separately. I don't know why people have to be so cruel as to bash SAHMs. I am not the "assume" cliche poster. However, feel free to address me as the SAHM defender.
if it were so wonderful why arent you still working their?
Doctoral program demands. I have a lot more school work/research now, so I can't commit 100 percent. I babysit whenever I can, but not full time.
An experienced nanny
I also support SAHM's.. I do not support stay at home mothers who have not changed thier child's diapers, given them a bath, or sat down to the dinner table with thier children in god knows how long.
I recently left a family that i had been with for the past three years. I was thier sole nanny for the first year of their first childs life. The mother was completely involved and it was the three of us most of the time since it was the father in this case who was home from 2-8 in the morning everyday adn that's it. With the birth of thier second child, a live in nanny was brought into the household in addition to me working a normal day shift. This worked out well and the children recieved more than enough personal attention from mainly thier two nannies. Thier third child was born in february 2007. Three young children became very overwhelming for this mother. Two more nannies were added, in addition to myself and the live in, for nights and weekends. most of the time there were three nannies in the house, the housekeeper, the grandmother who came everyday after working to cook the family dinner and the mothers time at home slowly declined. Often she would be gone before the children were awake. Since february she has gone on 7 week long cruises, and countless "weekend getaways" with girlfriends. Motherhood proved to be more than she could handle. I would often leave in tears, feeling for the children three and under who were forgetting who thier mother was. A new born baby who relied only on non family members for all of her needs. I'm sorry but as a mother of my own two school aged children this really makes me sad. knowing that a mother is missing thier own childrens childhood is terrible..
I can not support SAHM's like this
There are many situations like this and all i can say is thank god for nannies that are willing to take on the commitment of raising someone else's children..
"Aunt mommy"? How do you know she was talking about "you", and not another mother she and her friend were discussing? Some of you who stay at home, whether working or not, seem way too paranoid.......you worry and monitor what "nanny" *might* be saying about you and at the same time come on here and slam her without really knowing the context.......think about it.
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