Received Thursday, October 5, 2006
I have to say that I love this website and I agree with the professional nanny stipulation. What you see demonstrated here is are "sitters" at best. I don't have a specific horror story, but on a daily basis I see uneducated, bored, immigrants in proximity to the child they are in charge with. (There is so little interaction). I ask you, have none of you seen Mary Poppins or the Sound of Music? It isn't supposed to be like this! I don't care how shiny your silver is, she is not a nanny. An immigrant who does not speak English is NOT a nanny.
I live in the Sugarland area and have a part time sitter (an education major). She helps in the afternoons with the driving and homework and I have three children. We pay her what she is worth. Which is a lot, my children's ability to participate in activities is somewhat dependent on her. I am shocked at a new trend I am observing. Stay at home mothers are bringing in sitters that barely speak English so that they can have twelve hours of coverage. These are stay at home mothers. They don't need twelve hours of coverage. But since they seem to require nothing of their sitter, she works for surreal low pay. Some of these mothers start out having her do housekeeping and watching the children while they run errands. Then these mother's grow comfortable with their detached parenting and end up handing over the complete raising of their children to these women. What do these women do all day?
How many corrections does one need to make to a breast augmentation? How much restlyn can you plump your lips with? I play tennis, I get botox, I golf in good weather and tea by the fire in inclement weather. But when my children come home, I am either there to greet them or out with another of them. The saddest part of this is not that these children realize their mother would rather do absolutely anything so long as she doesn't have to be in their company, but that the person she has now left her child with is little more than a lowly domestic. A nanny is like a doctor, in that you ought to FIND A REAL one. The good news for me is my children are going to have zero competitions when it comes to getting in to the best schools.
24 comments:
This is one of the most realistic entries I have seen. When a person chooses to become a parent, that choice comes with the responsibility of actually parenting the children. While no woman should have to give her entire self to mothering 24/7 (Andrea Yates is a perfect example of what can happen when a mother does that), a SAHM having a nanny for the entire day is unfathomable. Unless the children are disabled, require special care, etc. a parent should be the primary caregiver. I too have three children, and the time they are in school each day provides me with more than enough "me time", so I reserve my use of a nanny for summertime. That way, I am able to spend quality individual time with each of my children while knowing the other two are in exceptional hands.
Aren't you afraid you just lost some friends? You should be.
excellent post. thank you.
i do worry about your portrayal of 'immigrant nannies'... the girl who took over my last job when i left for another is a south american journalism major who speaks both spanish and english (main reason she was hired) and
your "uneducated bored immigrants" comment smacks of WASPish racism.
Thank you for your entry. I myself am a nanny with a degree in teaching, and I totally agree with what you said about "stay-at-home" mothers slowly giving away more and more of their time with their children. If parents really cared about who they left their children with they would spend the extra money to hire a professional, which is what I consider myself to be. Otherwise, they should assess why they decided to have children in the first place...in my opinion it is so that someone can take over the family business!
Wow. You are very judgmental. I am a SAHM with a full-time nanny - from Idaho, who speaks perfect English. But I don't sit around judging other women for their childcare choices. I agree that most of the people calling themselves nannies these days are far from it. However, speaking English is hardly the most important criterion in choosing a sitter or nanny. I even have friends who deliberately chose a nanny who would speak in a different language so that their kids would be bilingual. I sometimes envy them when I listen to their children switch effortlessly between Spanish and English, etc. I also strongly disagree with your assertion about the lack of competition for your kids to get in school. I wouldn't be so smug if I were you.
listen up, nutty nut. No one in Idaho has the advantage of hiring a real nanny. So you and your dismal friends so eager to escape the confines of your children must hire the first immigrant to cross the border. How dare you suggest that people intentionally hire a non English speaker to "take care" of their child. The absence of language is more than proof that there is no care being taken. What low standards you and your Idahoans set for yourselves and your children. I must ask then, is it any wonder?
to the poster who started with,
"excellent post, thank you"
You do know the difference between the millions of Mexican Americans of third and fourth generations who speak English fluently or as a first language, who are attorneys, doctors, teachers and judges and what the poster described as an immigrant, don't you? I know about five great nannies. Three are of Mexican American descent. Two of them have degrees and one of them is a college student. Let's please not confuse an enormous population of the United States with "immigrants" who are uneducated and work off the books for low wages. Tsk tsk
To the woman from Idaho,
really nannies in Idaho?
Okay, having said that; the only reason someone hires someone who DOES NOT SPEAK ENGLISH is to spare themselves a dime. In the case of Idaho above, I am guessing because she really can't afford daycare. I am trilingual, my husband is bilingual and my nanny speak French fluently. I require more from the woman who cleans my hair out of the shower drain than you require of the woman you leave your children with.
As your children grow up, they will look around and they will see other mothers. Other stay at home mothers who make their children a part of their lives. And your children will be judges. And you should be judged. Karma will get you when it comes time to select the person who cares for you when you are in diapers, when you are all alone and your heart aches just like your child aches for your touch. Hopefully, your children will have learned from your brilliants examples and farm out your care. Hopefully, if there is justice.
Idaho... there are some very embittered people posting on this site. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM and having a nanny, assuming you're still involved in your children's daily life, and I'm sure you are.
When we hired our nanny we were also hoping for someone who could speak Spanish fluently, but alas our nanny does not. I'd love for my children to learn Spanish from someone who really can speak it, as opposed to what is taught in school.
As for all the "Nannies in Idaho" comments, why would people assume life/income/standards etc. are any different there? There are professionals making six figures and up in all areas of the country.
Anyway, if you're happy with your nanny, and your children are thriving... who cares what some overly judgemental people online think? Carry on.
STOP HIRING ILLEGAL ALIENS.
WHY DON'T YOU DO THIS, CANCEL YOUR HAIR APPOINTMENT AT JOSE EBER AND DRIVE TO THE TRAIN STATION. PICK UP AN ILLEGAL, you know how they hang out there at every train station in Westchester & CT. Then I want you to do this, you spend the day with an illegal. Have her do your hair. Have her go shopping with you. Have her have lunch with you. Have her give you a freaking manicure. What, you mean you only want a trained professional to cut your hair? Your hair? Your hair? I AM TALKING ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN CHILD!
yes i know the difference between immigrants and "mexican americans" (as though they are the only people of south american origin in the united states...) and what i was saying is that the girl who took over my position was an immigrant. and she's fantastic. thanks.
yes i know the difference between immigrants and "mexican americans" (as though they are the only people of south american origin in the united states...) and what i was saying is that the girl who took over my position was an immigrant. and she's fantastic. thanks.
Was she an illegal immigrant?
An educated immigrant is oh so quite and very rare.
Last sentence in original post was the best thing I have read on this blog. My children go to playdates at friend's and frenemy's of my own and return using language that is incorrect. This is a certain sore spot for my husband. I don't understand how these parents allow their children to speak with foreign dialects and verbalize choppy slang instead of correct grammar? I don't understand it at all. And there is so much more I don't understand regarding what these women are willing to pass off as "childcare".
AMEN HALLELLUA. This is just the most pathetic thing I have ever seen. I worked for a couple weeks for a lady who was a sahm and had twins and wanted a nanny from 7-9pm 7 days a week. I did not understand. It was so weird. So she would have whoever would work for her, like 4 nannies working all these shifts to cover the days....she strapped her kids in my car after knowing her one night and sent them off with me. Then she'd be in her room watching tv or whatever and I would be in the playroom with HER kids at 7 at night....WHY? It is so SAD how detatched these parents are from their children. Then they have these nannies who dont even speak english half the time, especially where I live in CA. I see nannies at DR appt's with both parents present. It is SO freakin weird. I have a 4 yr old myself and couldnt fathem leaving her with a babysitter i dont know, let alone a nanny all day long for no reason. The thought of all day daycare scares me too. Thats why i am a nanny, so she can come with me....once she starts school I will move on career wise and do not plan on having more children till I knnow I can be with them at least everyday for half of the day (when they are awake). Then there are these "parents" blessed with the means to stay home and they have "mothers helpers" who raise their children. SOOOOO SAD. It makes me sick
Just checked back in. The illiterates on this site interrupted my saying that my nanny is from Idaho as saying that I live in Idaho. I live in Washington, D.C. Can't afford daycare? I pay my legal nanny $800 per week. Daycare is far cheaper. Low standards? I required an education in early childhood development and many years of experience. I hired a real nanny, not a babysitter.
My children receive lots of attention from 2 adults daily. I am able to spend lots of time with each child. I do not go out and get manicures or spa treatments. I am a dedicated parent with delightful, intelligent children to show for it. My husband and I put our money into educating and caring for our children. It sounds to me as if the other SAHMs on this site are horribly embittered. Sad, really, that they feel they must attack mothers who have been luckier, or made better choices, than they have...
I agree with the person above, except I do get manicures and pedicures and facials. I have a full time nanny. A real nanny who I treat well and who works like a team with me. I am a stay at home mother and have a wonderful life. And yes, I feel like I am hated for it.
To Anonymous who started: " Anonymous said...
AMEN HALLELLUA."
I agree. Why have children if you don't want to spend any time with them?
BUT...with twins, I could understand wanting a couple hours off every day. Seems like that should be Daddy time though, unless she was a single mom of twins? Or was the dad just totally detached?
I found the tone of this post to be snotty at best. While I agree that it is disgraceful for a stay at home mother to disregard the luxury of being able to spend so much time with her kids (I am a work at home mom) by hiring a sitter to nurture them for her, I nevertheless thought the reference to "immigrants" was prejudiced.
I have worked with many immigrants in childcare and have also taught ESL and citizenship classes and the ones I have known have been hard workers and willing to do anything to support their children. Just because someone is an immigrant doesn't mean they cannot be a professional, nanny or otherwise.
This woman sounds like kind of a jerk. Sorry but she does.
Amen, OP.
I am a well educated American living overseas (South East Asia)with my family and Iam amazed at the venom spouted by many in this blog. Especially viscious are some of the working Moms and SAHM's without helpers. I am currently a SAHM with a full-time, live-in helper. My helper is from the Phillipines, has poor english and only a high school education. In spite of all of these "negatives" my children really enjoy her and she is a tremendous asset to our family. Having a live-in or full time helper seems to be viewed as a cop-out by many of the bloggers on this site. What a pity that they are so narrow minded. There is an assumption that SAHM's with full time help are checking out on their responsibilities as a parent. WOW! When did everything become so black and white?? Because of the hard work from my helper I am able to spend LOADS of time with my kids, have my own social life outside of my kids and still have a romantic life with my husband. (Who btw spends lots more time with the kids thanks to our wonderful helper and all that she does to help create more time for us.)I am fortunate enough to be able to do all of this without feeling completely exhausted at the end of every day. While I am sure that there are those parents who turn over their parental responsibilities to their helpers, may I remind all that there is a huge problem with parents who simply do not take that resposibility at all, stay at home and working alike. There is no substitute for parental involvement, however, employment of a full time helper does not by any means translate into parental neglect! To the nay sayers I say, "Get some perspective!" Doing things differently does not mean doing them wrong!! To those like me who find themselves fortunate enough to have a helper, appreciate your enviable position and take advantage of the opportunity to have the extra time with your families.
I love the ignorant beleif that speaking english is some sort of prerequisite for having the ability to nurture and understand children. As an American, college educated post-partum doula and professional "real" nanny, I can say that your kids are better off in the hands of "immigrants" than with those who would make such racist and ethnocentric comments as what i have read here. If you had any understanding of human development, you would know that the nurturing of children is universal- not "english speaking". Love is a non-verbal language and is the key ingredient to healthy human development whether it be emotional, familial or social. Not to mention, kids are capable of learning multiple languages at a very young age! As for the issue of Stay at home mom's with full time nanny's- Many SAHM's are suffering because our culture has lost it's connection to our human nature bay placing value in individual gain over community- something many "immigrants" have not lost and rather bring into these families. Money and priviledge create a kind of isolation due to a focus on individual gain and materialism. These things are meaningless when it comes to taking care of kids and our over-obsession with these values leave women unprepared for the level of availability necessary to be with their kids 24/7. Women who have built their identity on work or social status may feel helpless and downright scared when faced with the enormous challenge of parenting- add to that the common mistake of too much help too soon and they have often not imprinted fully with their new baby and rely on the support of their nanny to survive the passage of mothering their infant, baby, toddler etc. Add to that the judgemental and elitist attitudes this blog displays that also represents the general upper middle class culture they are living in and you have a recipe for dysfunction. What is too bad is that these nanny's are so burdened with a sense of inequity and servitude, they rarely feel empowered to nurture the mom as she unfolds into her new role- not to mention this is one of the only jobs dealing with kids and families in which the care provider is not trained to see signs of abuse, neglect, depression etc and trained to help families cope with the problems ALL families face (regardless of language, finances, race etc.) Rather she is required to shut up and do her job- whether it is in the best interest of the family or the child or not. With these limiting and confusing social constructs and cultural attitudes, it is no wonder we see that kids in this culture suffer extreme attachment disorders and childhood depression (I won't even go into the postpartum depression and birth trauma women are going through). So instead of insulting people's cultures, attempts to make a living and childcare choices and mothers' best attempts to create environment of unconditional support (because it doesn't exist in our families in these) and rather than throwing around senseless hate and simplistic judgements of what is actually a symptom of a very desperate, lonely and dysfunctional "english speaking" culture for children, look at your value system and ask yourself what you have done today to make this society a more mother and child-friendly place? If that doesn't work, take a class on tolerance and multiculturalism... because in case you weren't aware, unless you are a Native American, we are ALL the descendants of immigrants here!
I feel I should give a little background before I post my views on immigrant nannies. I am 34 years old, college graduate, I have 4 boys (ages 12 years, 9 years, 2 years, and 9 months) currently, I am pregnant with a girl due January 2010. I am a stay at home mom, I do not work, as I receive child support that allows this. My 9 year old is disabled with Spina Bifida and wheelchair bound and must be catherized every 3-4 hours, before bed, and when he awakes. He takes a great deal of extra time with many doctor appointments, IEPS at school, etc. Being pregnant, and him 85 pound, I can not lift him, in addition I had back surgery in 1999 and am not suppose to lift more than 25-30 pounds, although I do anyway, as it is unavoidable at times. I spend a majority of my child support on nannies. I have never had nannies until my 2 year old was born in 2007. She has been with me since. They are all hispanic immigrants. I do not pay them less because they are immigrants. I actually pay them more. They teach my youngest children Spanish so they will be bi-lingual and expose them to a different culture, foods, religion, holidays, etc. I do not consider them nannies, but family members. None of the children's fathers are much of a physical presence. My youngest 3 share same father, oldest 2 have different fathers. I have nanny that lives with me Sunday night thru Friday night with her 5 year old son (she is a single mother) and I pay her bi-weekly salary of $1650.00. My 2nd nanny comes Monday - Friday from approx. 8am - 4pm and I pay her salary of $1250.00 bi-weekly. On weekends my live-in nanny and daytime 2nd nanny are off. I have another nanny come in Friday (when live-in leaves) and she stays until Sunday night (when live-in returns) I pay her salary $600.00 bi-weekly. I have my 2nd nanny's 18 year old son, who is in college, come Saturday mornings around 10am and stay until sundays around 5PM to specifically help with the 2 oldest boys, take them to do boy things since there is not a man in the home. I pay him salary of $300.00 bi-weekly. The nannies are part of our family. They are welcome to bring their children with them when they work. We go on outings to universal studios, disneyland, etc. together. I spend time with my youngest in the mornings while oldest are getting ready for school and throughout the day. I spend time with oldest after school. I have many different dr. appts. that I take my children to myself, with a nanny to accompany me, since usually my disabled son, or more than one child. I could not be available to my children and be in a non-exhausted constant state without the nannies help. I feel I am a better parent because I am not exhausted, snappy, etc. because I do get time to sleep when needed. When my child is 1st born I take complete care of them, breast feeding, diapering, bathing, etc. the only time nanny may watch them in 1st 3-6 months is if I have breast feed them and I need a nap and they are not ready for one. My nannies are invaluable to me. They are NOT employees to me, but family. My children are familiar, safe and love their nannies. I could not be as patient and as available individually to my children if I tried to raise all 5 by myself versus having the help my nannies provide. They not only are there for the children, but the cook, clean and are friends to me. My youngest 3 children's father admits to spending less than 24 hours in last 6 months with his 3 youngest children. Albeit he does work a great deal. My nannies are a God send and I plan on having them here for the long haul. I do not feel they "replace" me as a mother they enhance me.
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