My Aching Heart... how do I find happiness again?
A year ago, I became a nanny for the first time to a girl and a boy, 2 year old twins. I came into the job for the money as I was a just out-of-college girl looking for work, but I got so much more out of the job. The twins and me had the most special bond. They made me feel so loved and happy, my heart grew so much because of them. Not only did I have a great bond with the kids but also their parents. The parents were much older than me and we're such a fun couple who treated me like family and helped me when I needed advice on life outside of work. They were inspirational to me as individuals and a couple. 7 months later, I got hit with the news that I was being let go due to the kids starting school in a few months and the grandparents were going to watch them for the summer. I knew it was coming, I felt it a couple of weeks before that it would but I didn't think it would hurt this bad. My heart developed a painful ache from hearing the news. I didn't cry in front of the kids on my last day, I didn't want to let too much of my emotional out in front of them. The parents told me to stay in touch and I promised I would. A month after leaving them, I made my first contact by email with the mom. She told me the kids missed me but that they were happy and she sent a picture of them. It made me smile that they were happy and full of joy. A month after that, I made contact again and this time I was invited to see the kids. It was the sweetest day for me, getting to hug them and kiss them and just see them. I made my regular contact by email a month after that again and then again the next month which was their 3rd birthdays. I was so excited about them turning a new age, I bought them a big gift for both of them to play with and mailed it to their house as they weren't home that day. The mom messaged me saying thank you for the gift but I haven't heard if the kids loved it or anything. It's been a couple of weeks since then and I haven't made my monthly contact this month. I feel like I am the only one making effort to stay in contact as I've always had to contact them first for them to message me. I feel like I got way too attached to the kids and it's my own fault for doing so, I know. It's been almost 6 months since leaving them. My heart still has the same painful ache it has since the time the parents told me they were letting me go, it has not left one single moment. I cry randomly at times because I miss the kids so much, I look at their pictures sadly, I think of them every single day, I cried while writing a message in their birthday card, and I don't have much joy in myself as I did before. I feel depressed. I have been trying to let them go for a bit. Staying in no contact, going back to school for a degree I actually love and want to do, finding a new job...but not in child care as I don't have the strength to go through a child loving bond again. I have ideas for Christmas gifts for the twins but I'm not sure if I should buy them and send it to them, telling them how much I miss and love them or if I should not buy them the gifts and stay in no contact. My head is spinning with thoughts all the time and I am just so tired and depressed. I just wish to feel happiness and not sadness again. How do I find joy back into my heart? Should I let them go completely or stay in contact? Please help, I'm lost.
at 9:25 PM