Friday

Things You shouldn't Say for $100

This is semi in response to the post from the mom looking for wording on how to ask for a specific nanny. I have noticed my boss make subtle hints about my weight over the winter as it climbed. Subtle meaning, "you should try running", "Do you play raquetball, it's a great workout". Last week, I came upstairs in shorts and I could see my boss literally grimace.

My boss is about 5'1 and 95 lbs. I am 5'10 and 210. After sat about making my breakfast, she ambled over to me, looked at what I was making (steel coat oats, slice of cheese) and said, "I really wish you would make more of an effort to keep yourself healthy. Are you going to be able to play soccer with Evan in the Spring?" I was not prepared for that and chocked back my emotions. I gave a her a confused look. I know I have gained weight but I am not built like her, nor am I unhealthy, nor have I have an outrageous amount of weight. I bike ride about 5 miles per day, every day.

I'd really like to address how she makes me feel about my weight with her in a sensible way. She also has two daughters, one who is a chubby 5 year old and one who is a rail thin 10 year old. I don't think her attitude about my weight is good, and I can't imagine she is not messing with the kid's heads. Having said all this, she is not a bad person. She has been a kind and generous employer.

Advice? I want to make her THINK about the things she says and looks she gives so she makes changes, not make her mad, not show her, etc.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Um, at 5'10" and 210 pounds, you are overweight!!! You should only weigh around 155 pounds.

CN said...

Only if you go by BMI. It's a very flawed system. My husband goes to the gym often, lifts heavy, and has a very low body fat percentage, but according to his BMI, he is obese. I also have two female cousins who are body builders and have the same problem. A high BMI does not always mean someone is unhealthy.

OP, your employer is being rude. I would explain politely that her comments are hurtful and you are perfectly capable of being active with her children and helping them lead a healthy lifestyle.

Anonymous said...

Whether or not she's overweight isn't anyone's concern. If she expresses a desire to lose weight then it may be ok to offer suggestions. Otherwise, no one should make any comments regarding someone else's body or weight.

OP, if you're happy with your body, shut down any unwanted input. Tell your boss, thank you for being concerned, but I'm happy at this size and it doesn't keep me from doing my job or enjoying my life. Show her in action that you can be physical. If her concern is truly about your fitness level, put her mind at ease by demonstrating your abilities.

Anonymous said...

That does not help this nanny at all. If she can keep up with her charges then her weight doesn't matter at all. Sometimes employers think they have a right to say things but they don't. Keep doing what you are doing honey. Be happy with you.
I'm 5'4" and 210 pounds and am able to keep up with my charges. Every body is different and no one has a right to tell you how you should look or feel about yourself.

Anonymous said...

Well said. :-)

Kate Feathers said...

I completely understand. When I was a nanny, I started out at 180 after climbing from 150 for a few years. Then I got up past 200 at 5'5". It wasn't until I moved to Idaho last year and finally found a doctor to help me. Through lab tests, her experience and using body talk, a muscle testing approach, we found out that I had an underactive thyroid (on the test scale a normal MD would say my thyroid was fine) we also found out that my body does not like, grains, gluten, corn, citrus, sugar and caffeine. Nothing came up about eggs and dairy, but I barely eat them and can tell a difference when I do, so I limit them, now. She immediately put me on a pharmaceutical grade thyroid supplement, which I still take. I did a whole lot of healthy detoxing with other supplements and herbs that only a doctor can sell you. We addressed buried emotions over the years and also found out through a saliva hormone test that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which also means I am insulin resistant. Just changing my diet didn't help. I grew up in a very stressful household and I am the type of person to feel all emotions around me and to want to help heal others, in the past, it was at my own detriment. That led to me stuffing down emotions with food and since I was scared, felt worthless, unloved and lonely, my body was always in fight or flight mode. Some people get skinny with that stress, some of us hold onto weight because that's how our bodies are and that's a way to protect ourselves when we perceive danger. At this point, if the commenter above or any other rude commenters want to call bullshit, I say, screw you! The body is a complex system and weight loss isn't easy. Oh yeah, changing what I ate didn't help me lose weight. It just got rid of joint pain, eczema, and inflammation in my whole body. I had to do a 500 calorie HCG program for 4 months to lose 60 pounds. I have maintained that for a year and am still very careful about what I eat. I don't eat any processed foods, not even ones that are supposed to be healthy. I don't eat gluten free products because the ingredients in those spike blood sugar, which in turn stores fat. Oh, and when I was gaining weight, I was doing Insanity by Shaun T and Turbo Fire by Chalene Johnson from Beach Body. I was vegetarian and biked 2 miles to work and back and I still kept gaining. I was just eating the wrong foods and not addressing my hormonal imbalances with proper food and supplements. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of money.

Kate Feathers said...

It was too long. I had to break it in two.

I don't know how you can approach her, but maybe share this information I gave you above and think it's a possibility that you have hidden issues that are hindering your weight loss and contributing to you weight gain. You are not worthless, less than, fat, lazy, stupid or ugly no matter how these people are trying to make you feel. It sounds like your boss is Type A and only knows military style motivation. She is dead wrong! I would hire a therapist to talk through this with and find the right words to say. Even if you do it on your own, speak from your heart. Also, start looking for another job as I'm sure she's thinking about dumping you because of her seeming anxiety and end of the world attitude. Take your power back and when you look for a new job, put out into the universe that you will only work for people who accept you exactly as you are.

Also, if you can, listen to Hay House Radio on your computer or phone. There are many doctors and intuitives who can give you great information about your health. Dr. Mona Lisa Shultz, Dr. Christiane Northrup, Caroline Myss and also, look up The Gabriel Method. He is for real and encourages people to get gut health right. Eat fermented foods, cut out wheat, dairy, sugar, take a daily probiotic, reduce stress greatly, love and accept yourself the way you are, enjoy your body, let go of negative relationships, work through hurt feelings, and so much more.

I feel for you! Good luck! One more thing, look for a Functional Medical Practitioner to help you with your body. They look at the body as a whole and are super awesome at what they do. <3

CleaverJune said...

Wow Kate, none of what you said was appropriate or helpful. She asked how to talk to or deal with her employer, not how to loose weight. if this was about her wanting to loose weight then maybe, but this isn't. This is about her employer being inappropriate.

To the OP:
NO employer has the right to criticize you or make comments about your weight. It doesn't matter if you are 105 pounds or 285. It is unprofessional and inappropriate. If you worked in a school, would it be appropriate for a parent or principal to say what your employer told you? no, it wouldn't. In my opinion, you need to politely but firmly shut her down. You can wait until she does it again, set a time to meet and talk about this, or write her a letter. Be firm and tell her that you appreciate the concern, however it it it is inappropriate and not acceptable for her to make comments about your weight. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and needs to stop. Make sure that she understands that it is NOT okay for it to continue.

I wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

OP, I feel your frustration!
My MB is also 95lbs. (And I am definitely not, and my weight does not affect my job performance!) Image is super important to my NF. Just the other day, my 5 year old girl charge told me that I need to stay skinny or boys won't like me. (To which I gave a lecture on the importance of being healthy, not "skinny.")

I would smile and confidently tell your MB, "I have a healthy, active lifestyle and I am so happy! I am really looking forward to getting out on the soccer field with Evan soon!"
Just keep showing her you're happy and confident and I bet she drops the issue.

Thanks for bringing this issue to light OP!

Lizzie said...

Neither chapter of this book you've written is relevant to the op. She asked how to shut down unwanted advice regarding her weight. When she wants to lose weight, I'm sure she will seek advice from medical professionals.

I'm thrilled to tears for your astonishing accomplishment. And I'm all of a dither to learn who they'll get to play you in the movies when The Story of Kate is written.

RBTC said...

Kate - i thought it was very interesting - thank you for sharing - we don't have to be 'military " on here - everyone's ideas matter when stated politely in good faith

Anonymous said...

You're an ass. First of all, she didn't say she wasn't overweight. Secondly, she doesn't need yet ANOTHER person criticizing her. Learn some respect!

Angi

Anonymous said...

Here here. I was born with several congenital problems and organ dysfunctions. I am also PCOS, had hypothyroid (removed mine), IBS, Gluten Intolerant, Pancreatitis and just had my dead-gallblader removed. Having 2 other organs with issues, I moved to 100% raw lifestyle after my gallbladder was removed. I never feel hungry and make amazing mixtures. Sure, I miss some thigs but that will tire over time. I'm finally losin weight after gaining for 9 years! Makes a difference when you get your body reacting better, eh?

Angi

melissa said...

So, I totally agree that if you can do your job, tell her. If you're confident that you can run around and keep up, tell her. But I do want to say this- let's all out ourselves in the position of the employer for a minute. If you hired someone who's weight kept creeping up, would you honestly have no concerns? I'm NOT saying it's right that the MB said anything, but I can see where her concern comes from. BUT, like I said OP, if you are confident in your abilities, let her know. If she says something again, also let her know that it makes you uncomfortable. People don't stop doing/saying something unless someone tells them not to.

melissa said...

*put ourselves

STAHP said...

@Melissa, I may have concerns, but I'd keep them to myself. In no way is it my place to advise my nanny(or anyone else) about weight loss. If she can perform her duties to my satisfaction, I couldn't care less if the scale said 100 pounds or 200 hundred.

Unsolicited advice is never a good idea, IMHO.

this_nick said...

I finally get to be the one to say "that escalated quickly!" Seriously, yeah that was long and a lot of information, but perhaps the OP will find it useful. Or like you, annoying, but at least Kate is trying to help.

Anonymous said...

Gah!! I wish ISYN had an ignore feature like other sites! I'm sick to death of reading your 'directions!' We're not children! Stop telling grown ups how to behave. So what if it's "military " or "harsh " or whatever!!??!! You've become my BEC and I frakkin hate seeing your posts.

I was totally a post and let post person before but now every post from you is a commentary on how we should all sing kumbay. Give me a %**&% break!

STAHP said...

To be fair, OP asked how to stop her boss from giving insolicited weight loss advice and Kate proceeded to give OP even more unsolicited advice. So yea