Tuesday

Camera Caught Nanny in Compromising Position

OPINION
We just hired a fulltime nanny about 2mos ago. Everything has been working out well, the kids seem to have taken to her and we really like her. I have 2 boys (2 and 4) and a girl (5mos) - we pay a bit on the higher end for our area because we want and expect the best for our kids. We don't ask much of her, just to keep up behind herself and our children and occasionally run errands.

However, we've hit a snag and aren't sure what to do. We stressed to her upon hiring that we don't want any guests over when she's working. She takes the children on outings because we understand being cooped up with young ones all day can be rough and we encourage her to make friends, have playdates, etc. But we found out via the nanny cam she had a male friend visit. It upset us because she broke one of the rules, but more importantly, they had a little make out session on the couch in full view of my kids while they sat watching TV.

One of our problems is we never told her we had a nanny cam so if I confront her about this, of course she may feel betrayed. BUT, my husband and I feel betrayed also. She is supposed to be setting a good example for our kids and making out with some boyfriend on the couch is not acceptable. I need to do something about this soon because the longer I think about it the more upset I get. We don't want to lose her because in the short time she has been here she has done an amazing job, again because we saw it for ourselves on the nanny cam. We were actually going to shut it down since she'd proven to us she could be trusted but now we're a bit disappointed and just need a way to tactfully approach her about this. Please help! - Concerned Mom

38 comments:

MissMannah said...

Fire her on the spot. You can find another amazing nanny, there's plenty of us out there. What she did was completely unacceptable.

PS: When you are interviewing new nannies, please tell them you will be using a nanny cam. They deserve to know. The good ones won't care, because they have nothing to hide.

happy nanny said...

I agree with mannah, I would personally give her a second chance had she had another nanny or mom friend over but making out IN FRONT of your children is totally unacceptable.

Also agree on advising about the nanny cam because even with cameras a person will forget they are there and their true colors will come out and Rhett nanny won't feel like you don't trust her and are spying on her. Plus that way she knows that you might see her adjust get bra etc

nannyk said...

Isnt it illegal to not tell her about the camera?

Just fire her without reason

not illegal said...

No out isn't illegal to film someone without their permission it us illegal to record sound in some states (I believe

Lyn said...

Fire her. A great Nanny is exactly the same with or without the presence of a camera. I hope you will tell your future Nanny about the camera out of respect for her and her day. But this is inexcusable. There are plenty of awesome Nannies waiting and looking for a family and this is not one of them.

Caring Mom All Day said...
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Rinster said...

Woah! Fire her immediately! I wouldn't ever dream of letting anyone visit me at my families homes, never mind make out with them in front of my charges. That's unprofessional and downright scary. Who knows what else she's doing at work! There are plenty of amazing nannies out there, you can find someone else.

Ann O'Neemus said...

Fire that nanny!

You told her specifically "no visitors" and she defied you, and making out in front of the children while on your time is just plain tacky and shows poor judgement.

I would let the next nanny know that you will be using a nanny cam until you become more comfortable with her.

Rhiannon said...

This nanny has no respect for you, your rules, and most importantly, your children.

Nothing more should need to be thought about.

The fact that all of us actually agree right now is mind blowing and must mean something!

Caring Mom All Day said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lyn said...

Hahaha, I was JUST going to say the planets must all be aligned right now.

OP, I really hope you listen to our professional opinions. She gots ta go.

Aletheia said...

Sneaking a boyfriend over to make out on the couch AFTER putting the kids to bed is something a high school babysitter does, and an irresponsible one at that! It is NOT something that a professional nanny does-- ever! I have to cast my vote with everyone else-- she needs to be fired. (This is getting kind of spooky, lol!)

Good Luck said...

Yikes...terrible. I would definitely let her go, but if you really do not want to do that, maybe (and I know I may get some flack for this but I am thinking real word here not idealistically) tell her a neighbor mentioned that she saw a strange young man enter your home during a time your nanny was working. Let her know that it really concerns you to think she may be breaking any of the house rules and that you want to make sure she knows all of them. Review them once more and give her another chance. Any more defiance of the rules and you can let her go without second guessing yourself. But like I said, personally I would dismiss her now. That is total disrespect towards you, your home and your children. Not sure what else she is doing...she sounds very immature. Good luck!

Nannybear said...

I've been with the family I work for for almost two years now, and the parents do allow my fiancé to go on outings with us and to come hang out with us at their house in the evenings. I think having been with them for as long as I have, they know I make responsible decisions and that their kids are always my priority when I'm working. My charges love it when Mr. A hangs out with us, and my fiance is always a big help in crowded malls or arcades where two adults are necessary. But I would never take advantage of that trust by "making out" in their home, let alone in front of the kids. MB has even told me on occasion that he could stay with me at their house if I ever got scared when they were out of town, (I've never taken them up on this, it feels way too inappropriate, even with permission!) I think firing the nanny is too light a reprimand. Does she not realize how serious this could be if the kids had seen more than that? That's getting mighty close to a sexual predator type charge, and that will ruin your life, regardless of the intent and situation. A friend of mine, who loves kids, and wanted to teach has a ticket for peeing while drunk and he didn't realize it was near a playground and for the rest of his life he's on the sexual predator list. I wonder if this nanny even realizes how serious that could have been. Not appropriate under any circumstances, I think you need to look for a new nanny. A nanny who respects your children and your home will follow your rules. I'm curious how old the kids are, did she not think the parents wouldn't find out? My charges would tattle on me in an instant (without realizing they were "tattling") They'd say something like "Miss Nanny's friend came over." And, I think this would probably be the case for most kids, so thats plain stupidity to break rules, nanny cam or no nanny cam.

MissMannah said...

Nannybear, OP said her oldest son is 4 years old, so yeah I agree with you. Kids that age "tattle" about everything.

MissWi said...

I'm surprised your kids didn't tell you first

Fire her. You can find someone just as amazing

And I agree, that is so tacky! How old is she 16? Geeeeze
Can she find NO other time to see this guy?

MissDeeCan'tWaitUntilThursday said...

A peck is a peck while a peck is a peck but kiss is kiss that leads to more than a kiss....

hahahaha. My mind is spinning in circles after having low staffing at work due to a staff member's conduct, which resulted in her termination. Moving on....

When I worked retail, my ex came to my job and through my line to get the keys to the car. He was away from my register before he turned around and kissed me on the lips in front of my customers and co-workers. I blushed so bad that day, my customers (many of whom were my regulars) teased me after that. Very quick, simple and from the heart. He didn't do it often, but when he did, it was fast and nobody had a problem with it.

Same as when I worked in a childcare center. He would drop me off some days and other days he would come to be and get the car. If it was the latter, he would poke his head in the door, get the keys, and say hi to my class. He never kissed me goodbye, as he felt it wasn't appropriate, and the kids were curious as to the difference in our skin color: I am white and he is black. My ex boss didn't have a problem with this, as long as it wasn't an everyday thing, which it wasn't.

Sometimes in the heat of passion, we often get so wrapped up in what we are doing, we forget where we are and who we are with, etc. I remember having sex with someone and I forgot his name, drawing a blank. lol No matter what is happening, passion makes us forget the simple things: the condom and how to stop. I am in no way defending this nanny's actions, but there were children around and what if things had gone further than a kiss? What she had forgot she was at work and more things were done other than kissing?

Clearly ground rules were set for the nanny. Is it good for children to witness affection? Absolutely, as long as it's kid friendly and appropriate for the child's age level. Parents can kiss each other in a simple peck on the lips in front of their children no matter what the age, and it's fine. A full on make-out session? Sure. If their children are teens.

Fire her. She blew off your rules, and who's to say she won't do this again? At least you didn't catch her having sex on camera!

bridge that gap said...

She violated the agreement. Time to let her go.

Belle Vierge said...

Fire her.

I was a live-in au pair this past year in New York/Toronto, with a boyfriend far away. I had permission for him to visit occasionally on the weekends, which sometimes overlapped with my job. My bosses liked him, my kids loved him, but I never let him so much as give me a peck on the cheek in front of them. Hugging and hand-holding were IT.

That's completely irresponsible and immature. ESPECIALLY because you told her no visitors. Fire her.

another nanny said...

I think you should just let her go. If you did explicitly state no guests, then she directly defied your request. Even if you didn't state it so explicitly, it's still very poor judment (IMO) to be making out with her boyfriend with the kids right there in the room. That would make me question her judgment and professionalism in other situations as well.

DC nanny who is no longer in DC said...

I agree with ALL of the others. Fire her. That is so beyond inappropriate. I also agree with Mannah, that there are loads of other wonderful nannies out there looking for jobs, nannies who won't betray your trust and blatantly disregard the (completely reasonable) rules you set out.

Wednesday said...

I don't agree in having a camera without telling the nanny, HOWEVER, your nanny gave you just what employers would want to know.

I hope you sit her down, act like you're going to talk about a trip or activities, then lay the cards right out in front of her. I hope her blood runs ice cold then she breaks out in a sweat as she realizes you know and that she's going to be kicked to the curb.

Sorry but I work hard at my job, caring for the baby and hearing about nannies who pull this just makes my blood boil.

EastBay Nanny said...

YUCK.

Dr. Juris said...

I find it surprising no one has mentioned the possibility of your nanny lying about where she's been when she takes your children on excursions. All trust has been broken. Fire her immediately.

Melanie Raye Castor said...

She has broken your trust. If I were in your position,I believe that I would let her go.

SleepyMissDee said...

Good point, Dr. Juris. How do the parents know the nanny didn't have the children around her boyfriend all the time?

♥ Amy Darling ♥ said...

Since she blatantly disregarded your household rules, she needs to be let go ASAP. No exceptions.

What she did was very inappropriate and not suitable behavior for someone watching young children.

Who knows what goes on during her "outings" with your children??

lol said...

Belle. Do you realize there is someone taking photos up your skirt? I think you need to be more aware of your surroundings. Lots of pervets and sickos out there.


Bwahahahahaha

Moniker said...

Firing her is the ONLY option. I have to wonder if this is a real question because most people wouldn't question what they'd do in this situation AT ALL!

Village said...

A strange man in the house with your children?!?!?!?!?

That's an immediate firing offense.

nannycalifornia said...

I'm 100% in agreement - FIRE HER! There are too many nannies out there who are truly fabulous and willing to go the extra mile for your kiddos. I am 24 years old and a professional nanny, and my long-term boyfriend works 5 mins away from the family's home and we have NEVER interacted in front of my charge (except at children's birthday parties). To MAKE OUT on your dime is so immature.

I think other posters bring up a good point as well - when she is going to "playgroup" or out at the "museum" is she REALLY there? She could be at this mystery guy's house or with him while neglecting the best interest of your children. A true nanny interacts with her charges as she would her own child. She is nowhere near ready to be in charge of two of your most precious possessions.

Good luck finding a great fit - just remember to mention the nanny cam to your next round of candidates. The good ones will never mind (and it will help you weed out the candidates earlier on in the hiring process). It's just a courtesy in letting nanny know that they are on camera in "certain areas of the home". In certain states, CA being one of them, recording SOUND and video at the same time without consent is illegal. Most nanny cams are video only, however. Just make sure you are utilizing the correct equipment for your jurisdiction.

Definitely do NOT provide a reference for this "nanny" - if you are called by a prospective employer I suggest you matter-of-factly explain your side of the story and your reason for terminating her. The prospective employers will get the idea.

It's business. It's just not a good fit.

-nannyCA

ConcernedMom said...

OP here. Wow, I haven't been reading Isyn for very long but to see everyone here in agreement tells me I was way off base in thinking I could forgive this indiscretion. I will have a sit down tonight with the nanny after I speak with my husband. Thanks for all of the advice.

Rhiannon said...

Wow, Village. I was thinking about the disrespect and that was bad enough. But when you say it that way, it's really all that needs to be said.

Outcome ? What was the outcome .. said...

What was the outcome OP? Did she try and deny it? How did the termination go? I'm glad you realized through all the advice given here-this 'nanny' needs to go. I pray and hope she does not work for another family again. If she does, I hope she learned a very valuable lesson. Your poor kids. :(

Future Nurse :) said...

NOT OKAY. NOT AT ALL. I'm currently staying at my MB's house with her 3 kids until Sunday.. meaning kids are asleep at 730 and I'm all alone all night. I WOULD NEVER repeat NEVER have anyone over here. And that is over an entire weekend. What responsible nanny would do that PERIOD, esp if you had told her no males in the house. Is she a teenager? I mean really. Just the fact that she had someone over like that is completely unacceptable. You add in the fact that shes smootching him IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS? I think I would have called or texted right after I saw it on the nanny cam and told her to never bother coming back. We all have hormones but there is no excuse for needing to act on them IN FRONT OF CHILDREN. I'm sorry that is absolutely ridiculous and there is no explaining it.

Tashina said...

I find this to be totally inappropriate and completely unacceptable! Yes, her actions could have been much more provocative, but I personally feel make-out sessions while children are present are highly inappropriate. Not to mention having a random guy over doesn't set the greatest example for your kiddos. True, we all make mistakes, but this was definitely a conscious mistake on your nanny's part. It bothers me greatly how some childcare providers/educators, who are given complete and total trust, choose to take advantage of that trust. So sad. If I were in your position, I would definitely let her go. I would just let her know that it isn't working out. She knows deep down the mistake she's made...

Caring Mom All Day said...
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Tell the truth said...

Shame on her for having her boyfriend over. But even more shame on you for having a nannycam. That is so horribly wrong to secretly spy on someone like that. If you had been honest about the camera, she would never have had her boyfriend over in the first place. Be honest at the interview next time, and you will get an honest nanny.