Smith Family Loses Beloved Nanny

"I'm to blame" so I'm told. Noticed an old friend turned babysitter then nanny, grow closer and closer to my daughter's family. Soon I was no longer very important in their lives. When we were all together, she would smother my grandson with kisses, draw him apart, give a lot of presents. I tried to talk to my daughter but she was very afraid of losing the babysitter. My grandson is almost 3. She also painted and set up the nursery for the new baby, mowed the grass, cooked meals, until her husband told her to stop, and didn't seem to think it a problem hanging out with my son in law when my daughter wasn't there. Nanny just turned 50 and lost about 50lbs. I should mention I go to church with this nanny and her family. I finally erupted at my daughter at a holiday get together when the nanny and her daughters also showed up, holding my latest granddaughter and talking loudly to my grandson, and the nanny's daughter overheard me saying "you should be worried about your husband, this relationship between her and your family is just not normal." She then reported to her mom that I accused this nanny of having an affair with my daughter's husband. She (nanny) then wrote my daughter a letter stating she didn't want to come close to anyone in the (Smith) family ever again. My daughter is crying and refusing contact with me. 


Bethany said...

This is one of the posts where I wish we had emoticons?

I'm not certain what I just read about.

nynanny said...

I agree this post is hard to follow but after reading it 3 times I gather grandma felt left out when the nanny took over in the daughter/son-in-laws family. Not sure if grandma regrets the comment she made at the holiday gathering but she's definitely upset her daughter won't talk to her now since the nanny quit because of it.

Jeez, even explaining it, I sound like the OP. :( Sorry OP, I know you must feel bad about the whole thing. Let a little time pass and try to work things out with your daughter, for the sake of the grandkids. And next time, try not to say anything that may be taken out of context. I know you meant well.

Was there perhaps a little jealousy on your end because you felt like the nanny was taking your place?

BrooklynMomma said...

This was confusing to read, but it sounds like in the end, you're all probably better off without the nanny/babysitter/friend in the picture.

UmassSlytherin said...

OP, you need to realize that your daughter is a grow up. Don't meddle in her life. You are jealous of this friend, that much is clear.

Your daughter has every right not to want to have contact with you. You overstepped your boundaries. That's it. If I were your daughter, I would not be talkin to you for a long time.

UmassSlytherin said...

**grown up****

Bethany said...

So I read it again, and it sounds like what's done is done.

Give your daughte time, maybe you can write her a letter or send her a card expressing your feelings.

Maybe next time around give your daughter the space, to make the choices she wants for her family. Avoid giving unwelcome advice.

Also find other ways to be close to your grandchildren. You are their grandma that can never be replaced. You can do all the fun stuff and leave the not so fun things to the nanny

missmary said...

I think this sounds like a very jealous grandmother who didn't want her grandchild being cared for by anyone but her. Sounds like she harassed and nitpicked the nanny (who sounded like an excellent nanny!!) until she hit her breaking point.
Shame on you, grandma! Yes, you are to blame. This is causing a huge amount of stress on your daughters family as well as in the life of the nanny. Finding quality childcare you can trust is extremely difficult. You ruined a great relationship. How do you think the kids will feel without their beloved nanny?
For shame.

Taleia said...

I thought exactly the same thing - um, you ARE to blame!!! I was in a similar situation several years ago, my little gal's grandma was very smothering, clingy, etc, and my charge was definitely more comfortable with me, and the more weird grandma acted, the more she'd come running to me. In the end grandma loosened up, my charge responded by becoming more open to her, and now we all live happily ever after. Too bad you couldn't have stayed out of it, and learned to appreciate the person who seemed to be doing such a great job of caring for your grandkids instead of being jealous!

(I imagine life is probably pretty tough for your son in law, too, seeing as you obviously don't trust him around other females other than your daughter. :/)

Dr. Juris said...

Your fault, OP. I don't blame your daughter for not wanting to be near you, and I feel sorry for the nanny you so callously attributing HORRIBLE behavior to both that nanny and your son-in-law.

Let this be a lesson to you to mind your own damn business. I also think you owe your daughter, your son-in-law, and most importantly, the former nanny a HUGE apology.

Wendi said...

This would be a perfect problem for Dear Abby! LOL.

Anyway, as hard as it may have been for you as both a loving Mother and Grandmother, you should have just left this one alone.

Sounds like your daughter is a big girl now and can figure out her own life now.

Perhaps you can send a sorry card and let her know you are sorry for your behavior and want to make things right again.

Probably your daughter is humiliated and feeling betrayed by you.

Give her some time to ponder all of this and sort everything out. She probably just needs to figure all this out because she feels very conflicted.

princess said...

"Soon I was no longer very important in their lives" - that says it all. Jealousy is a nasty thing. Who cares why shes close to the family?? Mind your own business!! Maybe she doesn't have much of her own extended family. You would be ignored if you were my mother, too.

princess said...

Grrr why do my posts show up until I close out and come back and then they're gone?! Its really frstrsting.

Anyway, I want to know what her weight loss had to do with any of this. Or church. Other than I can now hope you will be very ashamed of yourself come sunday morning...

oh well said...

Write a letter to your daughter and tell her how you feel. Did you resent being left out? Are you sorry about what you said? Are you ready to apologize to the nanny? Were you ever seriously concerned that your fifty-year-old friend was having an affair with your son-in-law or were you just talking out of spite? Do you have any reason to think that your old friend would like to hurt you? Do you dislike your friend?
Figure out what the truth is, and be honest with your daughter.

MissMannah said...

Wow, if you were my mom I would totally cut you out of our lives. Your behavior was completely uncalled for and immature.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

So, OP = Grandma

Grandma is jealous of her dughter's dependence on and affection for the nanny. G'ma is also jealous of the affection her grandkids have for nanny.

G'ma decides to insinuate to her daughter that nanny may start having sex with Daughter's husband. Nanny overhears this, gets upset, and quits.

G'ma is now sad because getting rid of the nanny did NOT make her daughter decide that G'ma needs to be around a lot more, as she was before nanny.

Instead, daughter has told G'ma to get lost, and is likely searching for a way to get nanny to return or is finding a new nanny.

G'ma is completely at fault here, and needs to start begging for the forgiveness of her daughter, Son-in-law, and the nanny.

Aries said...

I also read it a couple times to try an understand it. And OP i'm not trying to bash you, I just think you overstepped your boundaries like another poster said. I know she's your daughter an you love her but she had a nanny who was very loved an someone who helped out alot and had a close friendship with and you put a dent in there life by doing what you did.

Also, i'm trying to understand what does losing 50lbs has to do with?

I think if your daughter isn't talking you need to write a letter or leave a message letting her no that you're sorry an shouldn't of did what you did, if you're not willing to accept that your in the wrong then just back up an give it time.

I'd personally be offended if you did that to me so I can see how this upsets the nanny.

nynanny said...

I'm sorry but I just don't know how some of you are guys are nannies. You lack compassion and are missing a sensitivity chip somewhere. Telling this grandma you'd ignore her if you were her daughter? Don't you think she feels bad enough? How about some advice on how she can repair the rift with the family?

Those that suggested sending a card sounds like a great idea. Putting down your thoughts to paper, expressing remorse for upsetting them, hopefully will speak volumes. Please let us know what happens, OP.

MissMannah said...

Actually no, I don't really think this OP feels all that bad about what she did. She said it was her fault--so she was told. She never actually admitted any wrongdoing. Seems to me she is more upset that her daughter isn't speaking to her, rather than her daughter lost a good employee and her grandson lost an adult he depends on. I see no reason to have any compassion for this woman.

Lyn said...

I am sorry you are mourning the loss of your relationship with your daughter and her family. I hope after some time to calm down things can begin to work themselves out.
However, your daughter is a grown woman with a family of her own to look after. You have definitely overstepped boundaries. HUGE boundaries. Like, ocean sized huge.
You need to write your daughter a letter if she is not speaking to you and sincerely apologize for your transgressions. I mean, heart bleeding onto paper apology.
I don't know what else to say because from the wording of your post it sounds like you truly do not believe you have any fault in the events that played out.
The truth is, your daughter will find another Nanny/care taker. But you are the only Mother she gets in life. Once all of the anger simmers down, you will still be her mom and hopefully that will count for something. But being her parent does not make you immune to doing wrong against your child. And I have a sneaking suspicion that you have been overly involved in her adult life for a very long time.
I hope that you can let things calm down, then take ownership of your faults and find a way to discuss them with sincerity to your daughter. She may not accept your apology and you need to be prepared for that. Time heals most wounds. So be prepared for a waiting period post apology.
Good luck on healing this relationship OP.

And the Nobel Prize for Fiction goes to... said...

Am I the only one whose first reaction to reading this was that it is totally bogus?

That someone had some time on their hands to invent a soap opera?

And before some smart ass who swallows it hook, line, and sinker replies with some crap like, "Oh I guess you live a very sheltered life if you think things like this don't happen.", try again.

Yeah, shit happens, but the way this is written comes across as totally invented.

I don't believe a word of it.

nynanny said...

What a beautiful writer you are. You get my vote for best comment of the day! :)

I hope the grandma takes in every word of what you said and follows your advice.

Lyn said...

I hope things work out for her too! In my opinion few things are more sad than a total falling out between parent and child. Even if the child is grown.

Katie said...

Yes, grandma you are to blame.

This is an important moment for you and your family.

You were jealous of your daughter's former nanny probably for a variety of reasons, but mostly because she replaced you as the children's care giver.

You were wrong in your actions. Yes you are her mother, and you always will be, but you have to respect your daughter as an adult in her own right.

She has the right to choose the care givers she wants. She can have the relationship she wants with her care givers.

She has the right to all that without hearing from you.

Boundaries. It's time to research them and put them in place.

You need to apologize to your daughter , if she's not taking your calls write her.

Apologize and change your ways.

With time she will come around.

I also think you owe your son-in-law and the former nanny an apology, but that can be dealt with later.

I sincerely hope you are able to repair your relationship and learn from this.

redrosebeetle said...

For those of you wondering what the 50 lb weight loss has to do with anything, the OP was probably pointing that out to insinuate how the nanny was getting in shape to seduce the son in law.

OP, you need to accept responsibility for your hand in all this mess.

princess said...

The op doesn't sound sorry for what she did at all.

Nashville Nanny said...

Hey Grandma... why so jealous? Your comment about your "old friend" losing 50lbs sounds a bit jelly-oso to me! Here's a little piece of tried and true advice.. that I'm sure you taught your own children... MIND. YOUR. OWN. BEESWAX. You'll avoid future instances like this.

Cali nanny said...

I read this and thought how sad for your grand kids!! They lost their nanny, which doubles as a caretaker and one of their closest friends to a petty fight between two GROWN adults! Sounds like those kids needed a mature nanny like her that knows how to step away from the drama. Keep your jealousy emotions intact. You are a role model here for your grand kids and daughter. Your behavior sounds childish. As always, there are lessons to be learned here!

Jan said...

Jealous, jealous, jealous!!! Wow. I mean, honestly, I would be jealous too if I were in your spot!!! But the answer is not blaming this nanny or your daughter, but getting support and help with dealing with your own emotions.
Are you possibly going through hormonal changes? I have always had an AMAZING relationship with my mom, but a couple of years ago when I was engaged, my mom was going through menopause, and since she lived on the other side of the country, my aunt lived close by, I spent lots of wedding prep time w aunt.... and, yup, mom got SOOOOO jealous she almost didn't even come to my wedding!!!! But we worked it out.

But you don't sound sorry at all about your what you did. Since you mention you are a churchgoer, I hope the Lord convicts you about being a "false witness" and spreading lies about this other lady.

I know you love your daughter, and I'm sure she LOVES you more than this other lady, but perhaps this other lady, like my dear aunt, has become like extended family to her and her husband both... family is not just by blood!~ And you need to respect your daughter's choices.

I would highly recommend
1) APOLOGIZING to both the nanny and your daughter without making any EXCUSES for yourself. Excuses are a nasty way of undoing your own apology.
2) affirm to her that you love her (your daughter) and you want to respect her choices
3) offer to go to and pay for a few family counselling visits with your daughter so YOU personally can learn to get along better in the future ...(be sure to be clear that this is for you, NOT to get her to change!!)

Maybe your skills with younger children aren't as amazing as the nanny's... that's why she's in that job, right? That's ok!! You have lots to offer your grandkids - maybe you will end up teaching them a musical instrument, or gardening, or be their math tutor, or introduce them to exciting career opportunities when they are teenagers. Instead of being so jealous of what you THINK you are missing out on, try looking for ways that you can share unique experiences with not only your grandkids, but also your daughter!

Best of luck, and prayers that your heart will be humble enough to heal the hurting relationship with your family.

Aries said...

I could of sworn this question was already posted an there were many comments? Oh well..

OP, you don't seem to see the error of your ways. It seems like your wanting to come off like the victim and your not. Your not evil or a bad person and its ok that you were jealous, everyone gets jealous sooner or later but you handled it wrong. You were invited to spend your holiday with your family and you let your opinions and jealousy cause drama and i would be upset and not talking to you either, had it been me in your daughters situation.

Think about it, the nanny is 50, has a family of her own, your daughter an husband are probably in there 20's or 30's (just a guess) since they have younger children. So i'm sure this nanny and this husband had no romantic feelings to one another. Your daughter and her husband had a nanny whom they trusted with there children, someone who was close to them and truely adored there kids and your actions made the nanny upset, which made your daughter upset because she not only almost lost a good friend but her child, your grandchild, almost lost a important person in his young life that could affect him emotinally and he's going to wonder why nanny up an left him for no reason and think its something he did. This nanny spends many of her days with your grandchild and has formed a bond with your grandchild so ofcourse she is going to spoil him rotten, hold him, talk to him, etc.

Just realize this is your fault, take it in, and give your daughter an the nanny a true apology an admit to them that your actions were because of jealousy.

Go, now, what are you waiting for?

Nanny S said...

I don't have any sympathy for you. Your adult child hires a household employee, and you start meddling in her business and speaking loudly about the nanny and your daughters husband? That is hurtful ALL around- for your daughter to think her husband could be unfaithful, for the nanny and husband to think questions their integrity.

As someone who has set firm boundaries with her own mother for doing things like this--give your daughter space, give your opinion ONLY when asked and keep your mouth shut. I don't feel sorry for you one bit. Your daughter is an adult, allow her to live her own life. You've meddled in her personal and professional life. Get help.