03 May, 2012

Soliciting a Social Gathering

opinion 1
I am a 23 year old nanny. I got my current nanny job in August 2011 after being unable to find a job in my field (graduated with a BS). I read ISYN all the time, and I am disappointed to see how different my relationship with my MB is compared to a lot of the posters. I realize that I am extremely lucky to have found a family that fits my personality so perfectly. I have never dreaded a day of work since the day I started, and I just gush about how great my job is to everyone.

Let me start from the beginning. I fell in love with my charges, a boy (4) and girl (2), almost immediately. I am so head over heels in love with them and I tell them how much I love them every single day, multiple times a day. My relationship with DB was a bit awkward at first because he was starting a new (very difficult) job when I started in August. Since then, however, it has only gotten better. In the beginning he seemed stressed and not as interested in getting to know me. Once he saw how great my relationship with the kids and MB was, he opened up a lot. MB and I have become very, very close. I look forward to seeing her and having her around (I love days when she works from home!) and I know she feels the same. We could talk for hours, about the kids or anything else. After testing the waters for a few months on what we could/wanted to share with each other, we now talk about everything. She has met half of my family and I have met most of theirs as well. She knows most details of my daily life...for example: what I buy when I go shopping, where I go to dinner (she often gives me suggestions), hears stories about who I am dating, loves to know what bars I go to and what happens on my nights out. MB and DB are 34 and like to drink and love to tell me drinking stories etc. Trust me, it shocked me in the beginning! DB also talks to me about things like this and recently invited me to a golf outing and insisted I bring my boyfriend--first social invite from the fam :)!

One of the biggest differences that I find interesting about my relationship with them vs. other people I've worked for is that they encourage me to drink their alcohol when I babysit on weekends and the kids are in bed. MB also tells to me grab a beer on Friday afternoons when I'm hanging out at the house-- I often hang around and watch TV with MB while the kids nap. They also constantly encourage me to nap in the guest room while the kids nap. I know they love and trust me a great deal. Also I'd like to say that I have never taken advantage of their leniency (the most I've had in front of them is one beer). I cannot stress enough how close I am with their family. I consider them my second family and have slept over at their house many times. I do much more for them than they have ever asked-- I empty the dishwasher, take the trash out, swiffer/sweep the floor, and make sure the house is basically spotless before MB gets home every single day. They have NEVER asked me to do any of this. I was used to it from my other job and honestly it makes my life easier because I feel more organized (they are kind of messy) and it gives me piece of mind that I am doing my job in the best way that I can. I know they appreciate it. The biggest reason I do it, though, is because I love them. I appreciate how they treat me like family, trust me, and allow me to take the kids anywhere I want, whenever I want.

Anyway...they often feel bad about having me babysit on weekends because they think I will be too burnt out from the week to deal with the kids, which has never been the case. My issue is that I WANT to be around and I WANT them to invite me to be around more often for social reasons. I've been kinda bummed in the past when I wasn't invited to the kids' birthday parties (family parties which is totally understandable), I didn't expect an invite but I was kinda bummed to not have it mentioned that I stop by. They feel bad having me around when I'm not working because they think that I would rather be doing something else. Also, to be fair, they would never have invited their old nanny (there are no pictures of her and she was around for 3 years), so I'm sure they don't know how to approach situations like that. MB seemed shocked when I got the kids gifts for their birthdays and Christmas. Shame on old nanny for not loving my babies in the way that they deserve! I would love to stay for dinner one night or take the kids out WITH the parents one day or night. I would also love to have dinner with just DB and MB sometime or interact socially with them. I know people who go to bars with parents they babysit for. I'm not saying I want to go to a bar with them, I actually don't and I think that would be awkward. I am confident that they feel the same way, I'm sure they would love to have dinner one night and a few glasses of wine or whatever, but they feel bad because I am around their family 7:30-5 five days a week.

So I guess the advice I'm looking for is how to approach the subject of being more social together? My birthday is coming up and it would mean a lot to me to spend it with them...It is a Thursday and I work that day. I don't want them to feel like I want to go to dinner so that they'll pay, that wouldn't matter to me at all, I would happily pay for myself. I also recently moved into a new apt that I have talked to MB about extensively, and we have mentioned having her come over to see it several times, but she hasn't yet. We are both kind of shy and I don't know in what context I should invite her over in. They are people that I want in my life forever, even after I get a job in my field, and it is important to me that they feel comfortable enough to go out to dinner etc. We have talked about them bringing me on vacation and one of MB's concerns was that there might be some awkwardness. They had a VERY different relationship with their old nanny, and I have never felt about other bosses the way I feel about them. So, I think we are both so new to the situation that we don't know how to approach it/make sure one another is comfortable. Please spare me the whole "you shouldnt drink with your bosses" thing because that is just how we are-- they love to drink and so do I. I don't need to hear that being too personal with them is a bad idea, we are way beyond that point already and our relationship has only been strengthened by sharing personal information with each other. I wouldn't want it any other way. Am I the only one who has developed a relationship like this??? I hope not!! MB is one of my closest friends! and the KIDS-- I could write a whole other post about my relationship with them and how awesome they are :) MB has told me I have a job with them until I don't need it anymore, but how do I show them that it's not just a job to me?! (We don't tell each other how we feel about each other it's more of an unspoken thing)

59 comments:

Abby Jensen said...

While I might mention that you would have gone to the kids birthday parties or something, be careful.

Yes, these people are your friends but they are also your bosses. Be sure that you have a life outside of your job. While they may be laid back and fun and treat you like family, they aren't.

UmassSlytherin said...

My advice is to keep your distance. And I certainly would not drink around the kids. They are the parents: they can. You are not family and I just wouldn't do it. I would wait until I was off the clock, off the premises, with my own family and friends before cracking open the wine. lol just my opinion.

workingMom said...

I agree with the other posters; although the parents have said you can drink and let your hair down around the kids, you should never actually do it. Some day it will come back to bite you.

It's lovely that you all get along so well, but never, ever forget that they are NOT your family - they are your employers. You need to hold yourself to a professional standard and distance at all times (even if/especially when the parents do not!).

Too much informal socializing with the bosses usually turns out badly.

I disagree said...

I'll try this again. I think it's fine to hang out with your employers. I've been on vacation with mine(pleasure not working). I've gone out to dinner with them and gone over to watch teleVision with them. I'm always allowed to drink at the childrens parties and at night time jobs after I've put the kids to bed. I think it all depends on how comfortable you feel with your relationship with the parents. I personally love hanging out with my employers. I'm no longer with them but worked with them for eight years and we are still very good friends today.

Susannah said...

I think it's wonderful you get along, truly I do.

But I've been around the nanny block a few times and no how quickly a nanny/parent relationship can sour.

They are your employers first and always never forget that.

I would limit my off hours contact with them to the kids' birthday parties.

It's not a good idea for you to drink while on the job no matter what they say.

I'm truly glad this is going well for you now, but this truly has nightmare ending written all over it.

Fiona said...

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

I can't say it enough, it'l be hard now but some need to be put in place.

Karli said...

Going to have to agree with Fiona on this one, sorry. I've gotten close and been "friends" with an employer and it sort of back-fired on me. We ended up just knowing way too much about each other and if something came up that was none of her business, like my finances or whatever, she would stick her nose in it and be angry if she saw me spending money on certain things, etc. But it was my fault for telling her too much to begin with. Someday you might want to keep something to yourself and you should be able to but if you cross certain lines, it won't be possible. I hope that makes sense the way I worded it. It's awesome that you feel so comfortable around each other, and honestly, I still keep in touch with that employer I was talking about and NOW we get along great again. I still babysit the kids and take them for ice cream or to a movie when I miss seeing them for awhile, we still give each other birthday and other holiday gifts and ex-MB and I still text. She'll send me pictures of the kids and I still tell her if something new is going on in my life, but it's ok now because she isn't my employer. It just works better.

Just speaking from my own experiences though, your situation might work out fine, and I hope it does! :)

nycmom said...

I agree with most. As a new employer I also made the mistake of becoming too close with caregivers. Including encouraging them to have a drink after the kids were asleep. It ended badly -- came home to one falling down drunk while alone with dc.

I now strongly advocate for a respectful, but professional relationship. You can have mutual respect and liking without crossing boundaries.

Phoenix said...

I think you sound like a really nice person and i am happy that you found a family that you feel comfortable with.

that being said. if they ever dissapoint you they are going to crush you. i don't think that you are putting up enough guards. For instance if somehow they can't afford you anymore they will fire you. I know you can't work for free as much as you'd like to. Just remember you are an employee and no matter how cool people are they will always choose their family to save over someone else. meaning there may come a time where they won't be so cool. and that will kill you inside. That would be partly your fault. I hope to high water that it doesn't but just know that it could

Bostonnanny said...

NEVER drink on the job period! You are setting yourself up to get screwed. I also have a great relationship with all my employers; i'm invited to the children's parties, allowed to drink and text them over the weekend BUT I never cross boundaries. I never actually drink when offered and I don't share everything with them. They are my employers, not my friends and def not my family. You need to learn that now before you get fucked over later. They may do a lot to help you and enjoy talking to you but when the time comes when they decide that you no longer fit, you will be out on the street without a second look. YOU WILL NEVER BE FAMILY.... Remember that!

I'm sorry if you think most of us are being crazy but I assure you that' one day everything will change. You are young and this is your first nanny job so keep our guard up.
By the way most of love our charges as much as you do and get along with our employers..

melissa said...

I agree with most posters. NEVER drink on the job. I don't care what they say. Heaven forbid in the future something goes wrong, and you can't get a good referral from them because you drank on the job. I've made a point of being close with the families I work for, but not to the point of outside socializing. I've always been invited to the children's parties (and other big events as well), but that's about it. There do need to be boundaries. Plus, forgive me please, the whole post sounds a little creepy to me. Like, it sounds like a crazy nanny movie plot. Just saying- be careful.

Learning the hard way said...

So sorry to burst your bubble, but this will comeback to bite you in the ass big time! Yes, most experienced nannies have made this mistake eary on, that is why we are all agreeing that professionalism is key to have a successful, healthy, working relationship with your employers. Your in over your head, and one day they will let you go and you'll be lucky if the children or parents remember or acknowledge your existence. You really can't distance yourself now without seeming cold, but you should really try to build a fun and positive life outside of work. It will be much healthier for your head and heart in the long run to keep most personal things personal, and remember you are not family. The comments you wanted to hear are not here because it will not work out to be this close with your employers. Of course you may be the type of person that learns life's lessons the hard way. Oh, if you drink on the job (even with their permission) you may be charged with child endangerment, or neglect by the parents if and accident happens. Such a bad idea.

oh well said...

No matter how much you love them, or how great your bosses are, this should just be a job to you, because things can happen fast. Take up a hobby and try to make other friends.
Relying emotionally on your bosses sounds like a very bad idea, because your workplace is their home, and somehow this just never works well.

Mike Obey said...

Whoa!! Put on the brakes!!

You should NEVER mix business w/pleasure..it just doesn't make any sense.

It's refreshing to hear about a good Nanny/Family relationship, especially on this blog, however I caution you that you are waay in over your head here.

Like the other posters say, you need to build other outside interests. Since money is involved here, this is not the typical "friend" relationship you think it is. Money changes that dynamic.

Phoenix said...

I'm sorry. I finally read the rest of the post...I couldn't get through it all the first time.

The way you are stating how your boss behaves...i shall say reluctant. could it be that you are the only one thinking this relationship is more than it is? Do you think they are being nice because you appear to be head over heels in love with this family. It almost borders on creepy. I've had people around me before and they had this same type of enthusiasm and I thought they were annoying as shit.

If I were you I would leave it be. To me it sounds like you are intruding and they are just trying to be nice. if they didn't invite you to their kids bday they didn't want you coming. its like that movie What About Bob?

Carolina Nanny said...

Hmmm...okay. I'll try to keep this short and simple. I have an amazing relationship with my nanny family as well. I have many similarities with them as you do with yours...I consider MB almost like a big sister in the sense that we talk about everything just because it's comfortable. I moved to this state FOR this job, so I knew no one but this family when I got here so in turn they sort of became my "family" here and she was very supportive when I was lonely and homesick especially in the first few months. I do live with them so it's a bit different from your situation. ANYWAY...with that being said, I think you still need to keep your distance. Being a live in, they are always including me in their plans but I think a lot of it is because I'm there and have nothing else to do so they feel bad, but they, much like YOUR nanny family, need to have time together as a family without you. You may be close to them and like a family member, but you so still work for them so you need to give them space and also give yourself space. I just think you are being a been pushy with this whole matter and it's nothing that can be pushed...they will invite you to do things if and when they feel comfortable doing so. They may be hesitant because you work for them and they still would like to keep some of those professional boundaries. Just be careful...I'm not shutting you down for this post because like I said, I am very close to my MB and DB as well, but keep it professional. It will be very difficult to discuss work-related issues that may ever come up if you are socializing/drinking/whatever with them constantly.

Nanny J said...

I agree with others. Boundaries are important, I've had bosses like this and it has come back to bite me in the ass more than once.

I do not do ANYTHING like that, and in fact try to keep my conversation with my families light and airy. About the kids, or the weather, or weekend plans. Nothing extravagent, not informing them of my drinking habits (I don't drink apart from major holidays anyhow, but still!), etc.

ericsmom said...

OP its great that you truly love the kids you care for. I am sure the family feels secure having you. Remember though you are the paid caregiver.

Please don't be upset you weren't invited to the kids party. They probably just wanted their family and close friends. They probably are so busy working during the week. That the time with their kids one on one is very precious to them.

Second you mentioned they had a nanny for three years. I am sure they appreciated her as well. You mentioned there are no pictures of her around the house. That will be you too. Do you really think the family will have your picture plastered all over the place.

Why not spend more time with your boyfriend? Do you have friends you can spend more time with? Even just relaxing at home, or going to the gym.

Well its great you try to keep the house spotless for them. Do you think now though they just expect it? If you had a really crazy busy day and the house was messy would they confront you about it. Sometimes you do all these "extras" then if you can't get around to something they will call you out on it.

I just feel like you are setting yourself up for heartache. Trust most of the posters on here. Learn boundaries. They will respect you more

ericsmom said...

Okay wait you invited her over to your new apartment. So you asked her a few times already. Sounds like she isn't interested in doing that. So why not drop it. She may be trying to tell you something here...she is not interested in your personal life.

Also the "vacation" time. Honey it will not be a vacation for you! LOL. All nannies know its usually a dreadful time for them. They are stuck with the kids for most of the trip. Basically you will not have any free time for yourself. They are not bringing you as an friend or family member. They are bringing you as a worker.

Please please do not talk about feelings with them. Do not get so emotionally vested with them. They will think you are a little nuts.

When I was young I nannied for someone. I actually moved to California for six months to help out. I went beyond my scope of duty. They were an awesome family (or so I thought). Before moving to California I knew them for two years. Anyway, weekends I would go out with new friends I met in California. Go to church. Even go places alone.
I really loved them as well and thought they did too. Guess what after they didn't need me anymore that was it. I felt bad that they didn't drive me to the airport. They had a cab come get me. They never kept in touch. I did try a few times to keep in touch but it was never returned. After that I didn't bother anymore. So listen please just be careful!!

Katie said...

Whoa! I think you need to take a huge step back here. There are red flags all over your post and they are all coming from you.

It doesn't seem like MB & DB are as invested in this relationship as you think they are.

You sound obssessive. Really it's creepy how you go on about them.

Why would they have pictures of a previous nanny displayed?

Your disappoinment about not being invited to their personal outings.

They aren't your family.

They aren't your babies.

Take a big step back.

Maybe you are just lonely , I suggest you look into hobbies, take up painting, join a gym, learn a new langauage , go dancing, the key here do none of this without the people you work for

Susannah said...

You sound insane! Like sleep with one eye open. Seriously you sound in need of professional help.

workingMom said...

If you want to express your appreciation for them, send/give them some flowers. Mother's day is coming up.

But I agree with the majority of posters; you need to establish some boundaries and gain some perspective.

Let's take a moment... said...

It sounds like you have a big heart :) but I think you need to draw the line somewhere.

Your relationship with them sounds very open & "wonderful" but keep in mind that boss-nanny relationships can do a 180 in a matter of days.

Best of luck to you.

MissMannah said...

I personally think some of the previous posters just haven't been lucky enough to experience this sort of relationship with their bosses, so they don't really understand. Normally I would agree with them and tell you to back off, but that was until I got the job I have now. MB works from home and she and I have gotten very close. We trade silly stories back and forth everyday and just yesterday she shocked me by telling me about hitting the bars with the gals over the weekend. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "That sounds fun, let me know next time y'all are going out!" But I didn't say it the same reason you shouldn't say something like that, because it is not work-appropriate. However, my DB did invite my husband and me to come over and have dinner with them next week, so it is ok to socialize a small amount with your bosses and I think that would be the time to drink, not while on the clock, even though they said you could. Mine have said I can have a beer at work as well, but I would never do that just because it doesn't seem right to me.

Bethany said...

I've read through this a few times and here's mt take


Yo are thrilled to have great bosses finally. I can relate to having hellish bosses and finally getting a great one or just clicking . It's amazing.

It's not wrong to get on with bosses or even to spend personal time together and share a bit.

My concern is you might be too invested in the relationship or the relationship may be more one sided than you think.

Just be careful and I'm glad you found someone you like.

lexeael13 said...

I know what you mean about being close to your employers I have a similar situation. I agree with other posters to keep a professional relationship with your boss but it is hard as you work in their home. A family you work with can totally feel like your own family which is wonderful when you live away from your own family as I do. But at the same time you do need other interests in life but being a nanny can be a great job!

ericsmom said...

Ms. M

Yeah I think she is to close with this family. Maybe, a little to pushy as well. I think it can get annoying to them when she keeps asking the mom to come see her place. Also, she seems upset about not being invited to the kids party.
I think they may get her a present for her birthday but I don't think they are interested in going out with her for dinner. Maybe its just a sad world we live in. Mom and dad work longs hours and can't be bothered.
I don't think its a good idea for her to ask them to get together for dinner.

I feel she needs to find a position in her field. She may need more interaction with others. Hopefully, she will find a position around other adults to spend time with.

Beezus said...

I have to agree with Mannah. Most of us haven't had this kind of experience with our families! I love the kids I care for but I'm typically itching to leave by the end of a 12 hour day with them. As far as their parents go, I have gotten birthday gifts from them and Christmas cards, but never did I expect that, and I wouldn't have been sad if they hadn't given me anything at all. Now I agree with everyone here about the drinking. A few months ago I agreed to watch the kids outside of my regular nanny hours on a Friday night so MB could go out with her friends. She came home wasted! She couldn't even count the money she was paying me! It may just be me, but I don't want to see my boss piss drunk, whether I'm employed as a nanny or a working for freaking NASA. I just feel like it crosses a line. I have been invited to the children's birthday parties and most recently a wedding. I have never went to any of these events, and I felt as though I was being invited out of simple courtesy. I do get the kids something small I know they'll like for birthdays and Christmas/Easter and I know their parents appreciate me doing that, but I also know I don't have to. I also know that if I didn't get them anything at all, it wasn't because I didn't love them as they "deserved". I think that is a very odd statement. Also you need to remember that a nanny job is not forever. You've graduated college like many of us here and your doing this in the meantime, and that's great, but don't get too attached. Definitely take up a hobby.Volunteer somewhere! Sounds like you have a lot of love to give.I would just try and share your big heart with something that will last you longer than these children outgrowing their nanny or you potentially landing your future dream job in the professional work world.
And just a thought it may not apply, be careful around a drunk DB. That's the last kinda trouble I'd like to be involved in and I would never want to make MB feel uncomfortable with the potential issues that may arise from that.When you're drunk you're not thinking with a full deck,neither are the tipsy people around you.

Thursday said...

OP are you missing college life a bit?

Since you are a new grad I can see you missing the dorm life, chats in the hall, tons of parties, and places to go, crashing over in other's rooms having all TV viewing sessions.


It's great you have a good relationship with this family. It truly is.

I worry you might be too emotionally invested in this.

leftcoastmama said...

But at the end of the day, OP, this is a job. You are there nanny.

It concerns me because you talk about them like you are falling in love with them. Well beyond the normal attactcment a nanny can and should feel for a family and her charges.

You speak about their other nanny as though she was not worthy of them and only you are worthy.

I believe you can have great nanny- employer relationships. I've had them on both sides of the relationship.

I'm having a very hard time putting into words my thoughts on this post.

It sounds weird to say because it's a situation where the employer is treating the nanny very well and everyone seems to be getting along so well.

But I don't think this a good thing because I don't think it's an emotionally healthy situation.

But based on what you've put here. I don't think this a healthy relationship. I don't.

Katie said...

There may be something to the idea of OP missing college life.

My first year out of college was tough. I was looking for the same type of social structure I had during college.

I was also short on friends and became to inested in my job. That one didn't end badly, but it did end, and we didn't stay bffs.

Susannah said...

I don't think it's odd to have a good relationship with MB/DB.

What I think is odd and possibly concerning.

1. Being bummed when they don't invite you some place.

2. Expecting them to have pictures of their nanny displayed around the house. ( maybe in the kid's rooms or an album)
3. The kids not being loved like they deserved because theor former nanny didn't buy them gifts. wtf?
4. You repeatedly asking MB to see your place and asking them to dinner and being turned down.
5. Drinking with the bosses

I think you might be missing some important social cues.

Annie said...

I think you do not initiate in outside social gatherings.

If you are invited go ahead and attend. I would avoid trips to a bar because th can easily get messy.

I think you stop reapedtly asking MB & DB to your house.

I think if you want to do something nice for them Mom's and Dad's day are coming up give a modest gift then ( there was a post here a few weeks ago with great ideas of appropriate gifts)

aussienanny said...

This is so odd. These feelings you are having and waaaaaay beyond normal and I bet the parents think it was well, if they do not accept the 1st few invites then let it go! They do not wish to see you outside of work. Not to mention that you are there all week and they probably want to spend time as a family with their children when you are not there, I repeat, AS A FAMILY!


I have been with the same family for 5 years. There have been no issues and we all get on just fine. Yes I love the kids, especially as 2 were born with me there BUT I also love my own family and group of friends so in my spare time I want to spend it with them. I enjoy a break on the weekend and I can understand that they enjoy having a break from me!

1234 said...

I think you are missing important social cues.

You say they feel bad asking you to sit with the kids on weekends, but they still ask.

They feel bad having you around off hours translation they want you to go home and they want to be with their own family.

You mentioning your new place and inviting MB over and she hasn't made plans to see it. Translation she doesn't want to go.
Same with vacation It might be awkward = we do not want you to go.

Same with not inviting you to parties.
Same for MB's job offer translation. She didn't say we want you here forever she said as long as you want. Translate that to your good enough with the kids we don't want to look for another, but we're not opposed to getting someone else.

There are also meaningless invites in which people say oh we should do this but never have the intention of doing so.

Yes these are nice people and they are trying to nicely tell you they don't want that sort of relationship with you.
They haven't been more harsh with you because they need a nanny not because you're besties

Wake up!

The Devil said...

Is this a plot of a movie you've watched or are writing?

The Nanny: an obssessive college grad from a broken home takes a job with a young family.

Tagline:The Family She Always Wanted . The Perfect Nanny . deadly Combination


This is made for lifetime

robinsparkles said...

I've lived in Germany for a few years now, and I can say that here, alcohol is pretty omnipresent and universally accepted (as in, those who don't ever imbibe are seen as little weirdos). When I drank with my nanny boss in America, it felt weird and strangely intimate, whereas when, here in Germany, my boss cracked open a bottle of nice wine and invited me to have some with dinner one night, it just felt natural.

However, I should possibly have been more careful, as she kept refilling my glass and then - half an hour later - casually dropped the bomb that I wouldn't be able to take the vacation I'd planned on taking, as she'd be out of the country then, too, and who would watch the children...

Very calculating people, these Germans.

robinsparkles said...

@The Devil - Agreed, I was thinking that. I was also sort of chanting "Three...some. Three...some." quietly in my head while reading it.

♥ Amy Darling ♥ said...

This post reminds me of the movie, "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"......

Nanny of 2 said...

I wish I had some sort of photo to illustrate my face as I read this post.

At first I was so excited that there was funally a post that was about a happy nanny-employer relationship.

I was smiling. At the end I had to pick my job off my keyboard.

I was scared. There's nothing normal about your feelings for them nothing.

You need help! I'm not being sassy either.

I think you are confusing kindness with a having a deep relationship with them.

Penny said...

OP, I'm glad you are able to have found common ground with your employers and get along very well with them, but I agree with other posters you need to establish boundaries now and need a life outside work. Look, when I was 22 I left a miserable nanny job with one family that treated me like pure garbage and found an amazing family that was heaven scent. I was like you, young, eager to establish a bond and spent all kinds of time with them outside my working hours and baby sat most weekends. I know understand why, it was nice to be needed and I needed them too. Well I worked for them for 6 years so clearly they were amazing. However as I matured and grew older so did my needs. I no longer needed nor wanted to work late during the week or work weekends. I had grown older and didn't want to spend my life working in my off time and miss out on fun. I realized I needed a balance to stay sane. I also at that time started dating my now husband and I was as most people do in a new relationship I wanted to spend my free time with him. Well this all happened around the birth of their second child. I understand now their needs were changing as well and sadly I don't feel they were understanding to my perspective. They became very absorbed and overwhelmed with their needs and demands. We were once so close and so kind to each other and I felt like the second my life changed and I couldn't work for them late nights and weekends that's where the problems started. I was very upset about the lack of compassion from the parents when I addressed to them why I couldn't work late nights and weekends. They seemed more concerned about themselves and even seemed mad. What was the most hurtful and frustrating about the whole situation is when they were in their mid twenties they had just met each other and were doing the very thing I was trying to accomplish, building a life of your own with a person you love. So I couldn't understand why it was okay for them to find themselves, meet and marry but it was not okay for me? From that point on there was a pretty deep sense of tension between us. The moral of the story is we started off as family and through the course of time became distant because we could grown and change together. I needed understanding that I am a person who wants a life outside my job and they wanted a nanny who had an open schedule. It's sad but that's the way it went. I still keep in contact with them, sadly it's usually by my initiation but I love those kids so much and the parents too so I will take what I can get. So OP just try to find a balance between work and play and as you mature make sure they understand your human too.

Jersey said...

I'm soooooooooooooooo glad that I'm not the only one who thinks this situation is a bit creepy. (to put it nicely). I'm a nanny, and the family I work for is amazing.. but the bottom line is.. I work for them. When I clock out, I don't kick back and sip beers or hang around clinging to them. I GO HOME. TO MY OWN LIFE. Your post made me sad for you. You need friends. And maybe some therapy to figure out why you are so desparate for this families attention.

Been there... said...

Not even trying to be rude but I was much like this years ago with a family I nannied for...unhealthily clingy and I did go through therapy..for other reasons but a large reason I was so dependent on this family stemmed from other things so really....go talk to someone. This is so unhealthy. Take it from someone who's been there! It's creepy and I am positive they have noticed and are trying to keep a healthy distance.

Manhattan Nanny said...

OP,
You say ",Please spare me the whole "you shouldnt drink with your bosses" thing because that is just how we are........... I don't need to hear that being too personal with them is a bad idea"

Clearly you know on some level that drinking on the job and getting too personal isn't good.
You sound lonely and you are trying to fill that emptiness with your work family. Yes, we love our charges, or we wouldn't be nannies. Your EMPLOYERS on the other hand are a married couple in their 30s, with children. You are a 23 yo single woman just out of college. Best friends? no
Please make an effort to establish a life away from your work family. Make friends, get involved in activities that you will be eager to pursue in your off time. The transition from college to the real world can be difficult, but also offers the freedom to create an exciting new life for yourself.

ELam said...

I think it is great that you work for a family you love, however...your feelings towards them are borderline creepy. It just rubbed me the wrong way when you said "shame on old nanny for not treating my babies the way they should be treated"...no, they are not your babies. And telling them you love them multiple times a day..i don't know. A lot of my charges told me they loved me, and I'd say it back (and sometimes I'd just say "You too!" or "Love ya too!"..to me "I love you" seems really intense), but I wouldn't initiate it with the child.

I have nannied for 5 different families and had really great relationships with all of them (except for one, but it was really good up until the end). One family in particular I am very close with, we talk on the phone once in a while, send cards/gifts on the holidays/birthdays, and make it a point to see each other when I am back in the area (I live in a different state from them now). I definitely consider my former MB and DB as friends, but I certainly don't have the feeling that the 2 kids are "my babies" (I love those little rascals, but your post makes you seem really territorial about them, they are not yours) and even when I worked for them, as much as I really enjoyed their company, I certainly didn't feel like I wanted to stay after hours and have a beer with the mom. I was on a personal level with all my MB and I enjoyed it very much, but...there is a line in the sand, ya know?

I don't know, I guess you just come off as a little aggressive and obsessive about the whole thing. You sound like you have that type of personality where you are outgoing and get along with people really well, but sometimes come on a little too strong. Especially since you say MB is a little hesitant on things like seeing your apartment, going on vacation, etc...she's probably very kind and doesn't quite know how to tell you "No". She just says "Yea, that sounds like a good idea!" but never follows through. And doesn't plan to.

Just wondering...what about your family and friends? Why are you not celebrating your birthday with them?

Hellcat said...

Not only would I not drink on the job, but as a parent I would not be drinking around my kids (even if they're asleep... They CAN wake up) and I certainly wouldn't leave them in the care of someone who had been or may be drinking.

I guess I'm the odd one out, again.

une jeune fille said...

I think there is a difference between being drunk and having a drink.

I still wouldn't have a drink with my boss because it's not my style. I've had the offer in the past.

There is nothing normal or healthy about YOUR feelings towards the family you work for nothing.

Them treating you well is what they're supposed to do. Not a sign of unspoken feelings.

kait said...

I read this post, then I read all the comments, then I read the post again...carefully. I'm guessing this is a troll post...albeit from a very clever troll! "I love the days MB works from home!"-WTF?! Who refers to their charges as "my" babies? Bringing up drinking on the job? Plus the overwhelming theme of unprofessional closeness to the family?! I bet the author is a nanny herself who knows exactly which buttons to press here to get everyone worked up!!

Yeah right! said...

I agree with above post!! Now way this is real

advice vs. attacks said...

Where is the moderation here? Are we not supposed to attack the OP? Calling her a troll and second-guessing her truthfulness, I thought was not allowed.

another nanny said...

OP,

I'm glad you are happy with your position. But I have to echo other responses here.
I can understand liking and valuing the time with your bosses, but I'm curious- what in particular makes these people MORE attractive to be with than your own friends? (e.g. why would you choose to spend your b-day with them rather than friends? Can you "talk for hours" with your friends? Do you drink with them?) That's a real question, not trying to be snarky. There is definitely something you find alluring about them, which it seems you are not aware of yet. And if you can figure it out, I think you will be able to appreciate the relationship you have with them, but still keep some perspective that this is your job- a great job, but still a job.
Also, be careful about assuming you know how they feel. Although they may value you as a nanny, like you as a person, and be glad to have a more friendly relationship with you than with their old nanny (assuming that's true), it's VERY doubtful they want you around all the time on your off hours. To me, it sounds like they want to have some boundaries, but are just struggling to make that happen

Woah.. said...

OP, if they wanted that kind of relationship with you, you would know and you would HAVE it. I am very close with my MB and DB. I've drank with them (off the clock), MB and I have occasional girls nights, they invite me to every social gathering with them...etc. Professional? Maybe not. That is the type of family they are-very social,welcoming, and have taken me in as part of their family..they even included me in their family Christmas card. I guess the difference here is that when they wanted to hire a nanny it was KEY that this nanny would feel comfortable around them and their friends and be a good fit for their family and social group...they have friends over and do things with their group ALL the time. I don't do everything with them because I do think they need their family time and I need my own time...but they want me around and it is very obvious. Nothing about your MB and DB says to me that they want that kind of relationship with you. My nanny family practically begs me to go places with them sometimes because they truly want me there...I am not hearing that on your end. Don't be so obsessive and pushy...in doing so you are only pushing them further away.

StrawberryShortKakes said...

I was in a situation like yours, OP, but it was opposite- the MB wanted to be all chummy and I wasn't having it. She would ask me all kinds of personal questions and it was clear that sometimes she just felt like we were two friends hanging out. She would ask me about my personal life and comment on things she saw on facebook (never friend your MB on facebook!). I liked her and all but sometimes she told me too much (gossip about her friends and family, etc) and I just didn't think it was appropriate. She would also ask for my opinion on so many things unrelated to childcare (what faucet to put in the bathroom, etc) and I didn't like it. She would also invite me to stay for dinner after a long day (off the clock) and I appreciated it but most of the time I just wanted to relax. Plus I was always unclear about discipline and things like that when I was just "hanging out." In the end, the relationship was causing me stress so I started to ignore their calls and eventually cut off all contact. I felt bad about it but I could not explain to her why I didn't want to babysit or nanny for them any longer. Bottom line is, unreciprocated feelings like you are having for your MB and her family are going to drive them right out of your life. You need to do what others have suggested and separate your work life from your social life. Of course there can be some overlap but what you are describing is unhealthy.

Jane said...

In hopes that this is not a trolling post- OP, have you ever been a nanny before? Just curious. As others have said, the first year out of college is a hard one. It's a hard adjustment into "real life" and the friendships and support systems are different than they are in college. It is great that you enjoy your job so much but please remember that it is a job. You are providing a service and they are paying you. You are not in their lives to be friends. It is easy to idealize people who are kind, caring, cool, a little older, and that you get along with- especially if you are spending a lot of time with them (and in their home, no less). This said, I invite you to look into why you are so interested in friending these people. Maybe they are really great parents, successful, live the kind of life you envision for yourself someday? You mention that you go out to bars & go out to dinners & have a boyfriend. This is a time to create who you are, not leech off of other people's social lives (sorry if that was harsh). I, like someone else said, am also having a hard time putting what I want to say into words but just remember that while it's okay to want to be successful in your career & a good parent as these people may be, you are your own person with your own life. And this is your job. And this is not healthy.

anon nanny said...

I hate to say it but Jane's post made a lot of sense. (And no, you didn't appear trollish.) If this is what OP's problem is (and reading Jane's comment smacks her in the face the same as it did me)- let's hope OP listens to her advice. This relationship truly is unhealthy.

just speaking the truth said...

yikes! Dude, you need some friends! WTF?!?! Red Flags!!! First off it says a LOT that they didn't invite you to their child's b-day party.. Yeah repeat THEIR child. You seriously need to calm the fuck down. Many Many other nannies also have wonderful relationships with the family. It's not so outlandish that you are in a positive relationship. So, please try to get off your high horse. If you LOVE the kids so much why would you even want to drink on your shift? idk you sound like you need professional help. . . Please make some friends other then the ones employing you to do a JOB. thanks

ReallyBadEggs said...

There's no really nice employers. There are just varying degrees of rudeness and manipulation.

Tales from the (Nanny)Hood said...

OP, it's terrific that you love your job so much.

However, I think that you need to take a hard look at the reality of your situation. The truth is, Nannies eventually leave. Every job ends.

The children are not "your" babies, and your employers are not your friends. You need to find some boundaries pretty quickly, or you may scare these employers off. They don't seem to be responsive to your desire to socialize, and that's a red flag right there.

Good luck to you in finding a way to draw back slightly and remember that this is a JOB, not a social networking event.

la said...

@ReallyBadEggs: your statement is 100% completely right. Thank though for saying that!