Never Met a Girl Like You Before

Thursday, November 18, 2010
Guess what? I slept with my male employer. It wasn't romantic. There was no build up of sexual tension. He did not leave me roses on my windshield or whisper sonnets in my ear. He never sought my company out or was especially complimentary. I didn't hate his wife, in fact I preferred her company to his. It was sloppy, dirty and freakish. It happened because of the trees. Where my employers live, if the wind blows, trees fall down. One afternoon around four a bug rain storm started. We lost power. We got it back. We lost power. We got it back. Wifey got slammed harder in the city and was going to stay overnight at her sister's house. Meanwhile a tree prevented me from driving home. And so what happened? I won't mention the ages of the child. The comment that started it was, "I feel dangerous, I'm grilling. What's your favorite" He sorted through the freezer and found some mahi mahi and beef. He grilled. It was dark and quiet when we sat down. We started to talk about current events. There were candles, but they were essential. I'm not smoking hot. I'm an earthy chic. I wear big, comfortable underwear, cut my own hair and don't mind that I got early grey hair or that despite never having children, I have a permanent paunch over the waist of my corduroys. His wife is as polished as he is. He gets a weekly mani/pedi. I'm not supposed to know, but I know. I ask him about it as he shoves a mouthful of red meat in his face "Do your business partners know you get manicures? is that the norm". His face breaks into a wide smile. He looks down at his nails, the candle light flickering on his hands and laughs, "I don't know how you heard something so preposterous, but I deny". "Deny" I ask? 'Deny" he states. He states he wishes there was cold beer in the house, but there isn't. He goes rumaging around and produces two bottles of red wine, an old bottle of merlot, a fifth of dark rum and a bunch of bottles with only a trace amount in them. "It's dark rum, tonight, you in?" I look at him. He tells me that the guest room hasn't been slept in since X left so he is sure it is ready for me and I don't have to hang out with him. He offers me a flashlight. "I'll have a rum and coke, what the heck" I say. He gets out family albums and starts sharing with me memories of his family. He looks at old pictures of his wife when they were courting. He talks about her with awe in his voice. "When I saw her the first time, I thought two things, first, I'm going to marry that girl and second, that is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen". He pauses, "and you know what? I still think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen". I state, "She's very pretty. All the other wives try to copy her hairstyle or way of dressing, but it's something untouchable she has". He laughs. "And she makes the big bucks". He puts away the albums carefully and suggests that we play cards. While he looks for cards, he pours us our third drink. The drinks had healthy amounts of rum in them, because that bottle is going down fast. He find the cards, he wants to play rummy, which I don't know how to play. He teaches me. He gets out some of the older bottles of alcohol and switches up to poker. "You play poker" "Sure I say, who doesn't". Okay, let's play a couple hands. Loser sucks down the remnants from these bottles. I look at him. He's serious. We talk about current events, my last boss, my last boyfriend, why I don't want to have kids. I win the first two hands. He sucks down what looks like backwash. We finish the bottle of rum. I lose the next two hands. By the end of the fifth or sixth hand, we are just holding the cards and talking. He tells me, "you looks like you would be fun in bed". I say, "That's wildly inappropriate...but why?" (I am improvising here, I don't remember the exact words). He says, "just something about you". He then says, "you know I'm not that great in bed. I think that's one of the pitfalls of romantic love. There are things I think I could do or would want to try but I could never..."

I know I said something along the lines of, "like what". Maybe I was being provocative. In my memory, I was just sloppy drunk.

I will spare you the grueling details. But it was not pretty. There was no kissing. There was however home made lubricant, a turkey baster, a shampoo bottle, a vacuum cleaner, clothes pins and a mini trampoline used. I remember jumping up and down on the trampoline naked to his wild applause. The next morning, I awoke at 430 AM. I could not walk. Every orifice in my body ached. I somehow cracked a tooth. I was bleeding rectally. I didn't see him anywhere. I cleaned up as quickly as I could, gathered myself and went to leave. Outside a huge tree was still blocking the driveway with smaller limbs beyond that. I put my old Trooper in 4WD and drove through grass across a neighbor's yard, over tree limbs and downed wires and I never looked back. I never called. And guess what? no one ever tried to contact me to ask why I never came back. This, after I had been there for 4 months, three weeks. And all of this happened on a Thursday which meant I worked 4 days that week for FREE. In the end, I was unemployed, injured and humiliated.

Worth it?

You be the judge!