Hi all. I thought I had made up my mind about what to do in this situation, but after reading some comments on other posts, I'm a little unsure now. Long story short, I'm thinking that my nanny might have an unhealthy attachment to my child. She just turned 2 years old, and has had a nanny for about 6 months (I was a SAHM before). About 2 months after the nanny started, our daughter had to have minor surgery and I took off 2 weeks from work to be at home with her (I gave the nanny 2 weeks paid leave). She called at least every other day (sometimes every day or twice a day) to check in on her, which I had mixed reactions about. On one hand I thought it was very sweet she cared about my daughter so much, on the other hand I was a little creeped out since it was very minor surgery and I had called her the day of the surgery to let her know everything went well and she was being discharged home. I let this all slide though and chalked it up to partly being partly jealous and sad that I'd returned to work as well as just inexperience with having a nanny. As time went by and I went back to work, I kept noticing little things my nanny would do that put me on alert. There were quite a few times where she wouldn't feed my daughter the dinner I'd made for her and informed me of all the things that were wrong with it etc etc etc. At times it felt like I was the nanny being instructed by the mother, or being told that my mothering was incorrect. My husband tried to tell me that I was just being too sensitive and since I'd had no other problems with the nanny I should just let it go. She also would call on the weekends if my daughter had a cold or other small sickness on Friday and a few times even showed up at the park where she knew we liked to go on Saturdays. A couple of weeks ago my daughter had a birthday party. It was on our nanny's day off, and I didn't think of inviting her because 1. I thought she would want her own time off, 2. I didn't want her to feel like she had to work on a day off and 3. I was feeling a little bit uneasy given all the other stuff that has happened. When the nanny found out she wasn't invited, she was visibly upset and was pretty hostile to me for a couple of days (barely talked to me when I was home etc etc). I've since decided that I should let her go because I don't think her behaviour is healthy. I'm wondering what you all think. Am I being too sensitive about this? I know I'm a new mom and leaving my baby was extremely hard and I know I'm a little jealous that the nanny gets to spend all that time with her, but I don't think I'm completely overreacting. I'd love some insight, as I'd hate to fire an otherwise great nanny for something that I might be acting silly about. Thank you so much!
Friday
I thought I had made up my mind...
Received Friday, August 20, 2010
Hi all. I thought I had made up my mind about what to do in this situation, but after reading some comments on other posts, I'm a little unsure now. Long story short, I'm thinking that my nanny might have an unhealthy attachment to my child. She just turned 2 years old, and has had a nanny for about 6 months (I was a SAHM before). About 2 months after the nanny started, our daughter had to have minor surgery and I took off 2 weeks from work to be at home with her (I gave the nanny 2 weeks paid leave). She called at least every other day (sometimes every day or twice a day) to check in on her, which I had mixed reactions about. On one hand I thought it was very sweet she cared about my daughter so much, on the other hand I was a little creeped out since it was very minor surgery and I had called her the day of the surgery to let her know everything went well and she was being discharged home. I let this all slide though and chalked it up to partly being partly jealous and sad that I'd returned to work as well as just inexperience with having a nanny. As time went by and I went back to work, I kept noticing little things my nanny would do that put me on alert. There were quite a few times where she wouldn't feed my daughter the dinner I'd made for her and informed me of all the things that were wrong with it etc etc etc. At times it felt like I was the nanny being instructed by the mother, or being told that my mothering was incorrect. My husband tried to tell me that I was just being too sensitive and since I'd had no other problems with the nanny I should just let it go. She also would call on the weekends if my daughter had a cold or other small sickness on Friday and a few times even showed up at the park where she knew we liked to go on Saturdays. A couple of weeks ago my daughter had a birthday party. It was on our nanny's day off, and I didn't think of inviting her because 1. I thought she would want her own time off, 2. I didn't want her to feel like she had to work on a day off and 3. I was feeling a little bit uneasy given all the other stuff that has happened. When the nanny found out she wasn't invited, she was visibly upset and was pretty hostile to me for a couple of days (barely talked to me when I was home etc etc). I've since decided that I should let her go because I don't think her behaviour is healthy. I'm wondering what you all think. Am I being too sensitive about this? I know I'm a new mom and leaving my baby was extremely hard and I know I'm a little jealous that the nanny gets to spend all that time with her, but I don't think I'm completely overreacting. I'd love some insight, as I'd hate to fire an otherwise great nanny for something that I might be acting silly about. Thank you so much!
Hi all. I thought I had made up my mind about what to do in this situation, but after reading some comments on other posts, I'm a little unsure now. Long story short, I'm thinking that my nanny might have an unhealthy attachment to my child. She just turned 2 years old, and has had a nanny for about 6 months (I was a SAHM before). About 2 months after the nanny started, our daughter had to have minor surgery and I took off 2 weeks from work to be at home with her (I gave the nanny 2 weeks paid leave). She called at least every other day (sometimes every day or twice a day) to check in on her, which I had mixed reactions about. On one hand I thought it was very sweet she cared about my daughter so much, on the other hand I was a little creeped out since it was very minor surgery and I had called her the day of the surgery to let her know everything went well and she was being discharged home. I let this all slide though and chalked it up to partly being partly jealous and sad that I'd returned to work as well as just inexperience with having a nanny. As time went by and I went back to work, I kept noticing little things my nanny would do that put me on alert. There were quite a few times where she wouldn't feed my daughter the dinner I'd made for her and informed me of all the things that were wrong with it etc etc etc. At times it felt like I was the nanny being instructed by the mother, or being told that my mothering was incorrect. My husband tried to tell me that I was just being too sensitive and since I'd had no other problems with the nanny I should just let it go. She also would call on the weekends if my daughter had a cold or other small sickness on Friday and a few times even showed up at the park where she knew we liked to go on Saturdays. A couple of weeks ago my daughter had a birthday party. It was on our nanny's day off, and I didn't think of inviting her because 1. I thought she would want her own time off, 2. I didn't want her to feel like she had to work on a day off and 3. I was feeling a little bit uneasy given all the other stuff that has happened. When the nanny found out she wasn't invited, she was visibly upset and was pretty hostile to me for a couple of days (barely talked to me when I was home etc etc). I've since decided that I should let her go because I don't think her behaviour is healthy. I'm wondering what you all think. Am I being too sensitive about this? I know I'm a new mom and leaving my baby was extremely hard and I know I'm a little jealous that the nanny gets to spend all that time with her, but I don't think I'm completely overreacting. I'd love some insight, as I'd hate to fire an otherwise great nanny for something that I might be acting silly about. Thank you so much!
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71 comments:
I agree--let her go. It's never okay for any employee to out right disregard an employer's instructions (as your nanny did with the dinners). While it would be appropriate to discuss her concerns with you in a respectful manner, making you feel like you were being lectured indicates a level of disrespect.
I'm with you--her reaction to the birthday party was a bit much. It may have been a nice gesture to invite her, but your reasons for not doing so are sound.
Calling after your daughter had surgery seems reasonable to me, and she may have legitimately missed her since she was no longer spending her days with someone she was used to seeing every day. Did you ask her not to call so often? She may have needed to hear that she was being intrusive.
Over all, the fact that your nanny is making you uncomfortable is reason enough to let her go. I wish you luck in finding a better fit in the future.
I am a nanny and have been for years. Although I love the children I care/have cared for I would never call to check up on a sickness/surgery more than once. I would be greatful if they stopped inviting me to birthday parties because you're right, we want the day off and don't want to feel obligated to go. I would never think of correcting what a mother wanted to feed her child. Its not my child and unless you're feeding them poison its your call. I don't think you are overreacting at all. That behavior is definitely odd. I'd try to let her go on good terms though she sounds a little unstable.
I would be upset if i wasn't invited to the baby's birthday party either. I go to all the birthday parties of children i care for, even the occasional babysitting families. My boyfriend is always invited too.
It must have made your nanny feel like she was unimportant in the baby's life and that you don't see her as anything other then the "help".
Calling you multiple times on the weekends and showing up is unacceptable. I would be creeped out as well. One simple email to check in when the baby sick is enough.
When my buddy has a bad cold i send an email to check in and see if i can pick anything up, but thats it. When he had a seizure on my watch, I asked the parents to text me when they had time after the ER.
I think doing more then that is over stepping.
How long has your nanny worked in the field? If she's new then she prob doesn't know how to separate nanny from mommy yet. If she's been doing it for awhile, she may just think she knows better then you.
Is she a mother herself?
I def wouldn't let her go but I would have a talk with her about boundaries.
Also I know its extremely hard for a SAHM to let go of control, and it does make it impossible for nannies sometimes.
I tend to agree moew with Anonymous. I can chalk your mistakes up to inexperience (with mommying and being a nanny employer), but firing her IMO would be uncalled for, nasty, and probably a mistake. You've got a good nanny who loves your child, do you really want one who doesn't give a crap so that YOU can feel more in control?
I think it's pretty shocking you didn't even discuss the girl's birthday party with the nanny. You should have let her know about it and made it clear that she was invited but you did NOT want her to have to work on her day off so if she came, you woukd want her to relax and enjoy the party (ie, let YOU be the mommy, since you ARE).
As an adult, it's your responsibility to at least TRY and do the right thing which means discussing issues with your employee before firing her and letting her know what needs to change. Would it be right if you were doing your job (as you felt) fantastically well, going above and beyond the call of duty for your company, and your boss gave you the boot one day because he/she had some issues with your performance that they had never mentioned to you?
If you want to act like a spoiled 13 year old, then fire her. If you want to be a responsible adult, you'll have to handle your problem appropriately. THEN if the nanny still does not take steps to address your concerns, look for a new one.
Does your Nanny know she is doing something wrong from your perspective?
Probably not.
Should your Nanny change her behavior?
Yes, she should.
In order to do so, she has to know what you are expecting and thinking about her.
Please talk to her and tell her what you expect and what your wishes are.
You said yourself, that she is a great Nanny and that she is treading your baby good. Don't just throw that away and take that for granted. How do you know you will find someone who cares about your child and well being?
You are very lucky to have a great Nanny, not every family can say that!
Talk to her. If she doesn't change, you can still let her go. But give it a try. At least for your baby's sake.
I do understand your Nanny's feelings were hurt when she wasn't invited to your baby's b-day party. She had no idea why, so how could she understand the decision you made?
Again, you have to talk to her. If she's a profesional Nanny, she will respect your wishes and follow your requirements. But you have to be a profesional employer too. Keep all converations on a profesional level. Don't talk and chat about your or her private life.
I wish you all the best.
I think it was really mean of you not to invite her to your daughters birthday party. I would be heartbroken if my charges parents didn't invite me to any birthday parties. This woman is taking care of your child and has a bond with her..what is so wrong with that? Would you prefer the opposite side of the spectrum and have her not care about your daughter at all? At least you know that your daughter is well taken care of and loved and really isn't that the most important thing? I think that you are immature, insecure and jealous. You may want to consider daycare because I don't think you can handle any relationship your daughter will form with a one on one nanny.
Anonymous
"If you can't handle someone else loving your child, and are too jealous that your child may actually, get this, love her back, than yes fire a perfectly wonderful nanny and put your child in a daycare."
I would like to add something about daycares, even children who go to daycares get attached to their teachers(Assuming you choose a half decent one). And one day they will stop crying for mommy after being dropped off.
I believe if a parent is so jealous that they can't let go and allow their children to love non family members, then their children should only be in the care of family. Do not involve other people into your dysfunctional life.
I honestly believe some mothers(or fathers) should stay home and raise their children. Cut back on vacations, move to a smaller home because technically if you can afford a nanny then you should be able to afford to take a few years off from work with the right budgeting. There is always a way, with the exception of single working parents.
I don't think you are over reacting at all! I have been on both sides of this (was a nanny, had a nanny) and I think your instincts are right on track. If I were you I would give her as much time as you can (2 weeks min) and just tell her it's not working out and she doesn't have to work the last few weeks (but you are paying her so she can't complain she is losing out on the money). Our kids safety is just too important and most likely she wouldn't do anything creepy or harmful, but who wants to take that chance. YOu will never forgive yourself if you ignore your instincts and something happens. I wish you luck:)
I would be very hurt if I wasn't invited to my charges bday party, especially since I spend way more time with them than their parents. Sometimes, even for me, it is hard to draw the line between job vs. acting like the children are yours. I work an absurd about of hours, and am very attached to "my" kids, as they are to me, as they see me more than their parents. Because of this, I often see things that are wrong with the kids, or I realize they've outgrown certain foods, clothes, activities, etc., before their parents do. Am I too attached? No. Do I work too much/spend too much time with the kids? Most likely. But my point is, my boss will be the first one to tell you that I am probably more in tune with her kids than she is. Yes, I find that to be sad, but I am always grateful that she sees me to be an important figure in her kids' lives, and she listens to me!! If you cannot handle your nanny telling you when something is wrong (because it probably is), then perhaps having a nanny isn't for you. Nannies have the right to say something if they KNOW it's not right for the child. Especially in my case where I am so involved.
OPOpOoOpOOpopI think people are being unnecessarily hard on the OP. This nanny is definitely creeping me out a little bit. Calling every day for 2 weeks to check on the child? Showing up uninvited to the park they go to on the weekends? Not feeding the child the dinners her mother prepared for her and then lecturing the mother about how she should feed her child? Are you telling me this wouldn't make you just the tiniest bit uneasy? I'm sorry, but there is a difference between being a loving nanny and being a nanny who is slightly obsessed. It seems like she has forgotten that her charge is not her own child and she is definitely being overbearing. Does she not have a life outside of her job?
What is bothering me is that posters on this site are always saying "How can a mother leave her child with someone she feels uncomfortable with? Trust your instincts! Your child is the most important thing, so be careful who you leave her with!" And now we have an OP who has a gut feeling that something is off about her nanny (rightfully so) and everyone is criticizing her and telling her she is overreacting! God forbid this nanny does something psycho in the future, like kidnap her child! Trust your gut, OP, but I would recommend discussing your concerns with your nanny before deciding whether or not to fire her. Maybe she has no idea that she is freaking you out and will tone things down.
And I apologize for whatever happened at the beginning of my post, my phone keyboard was being super weird!
The only thing she did "wrong" was to not feed your child the food you left for her to eat.
Everything else she's done has been suffocating (calling daily) and immature (cold shoulder after not being invited to b-day party).
So, do you think you'd be right to fire her for not having fed your child food you wanted her given? If yes, then go ahead and fire.
What I think would be a better move on your part, would be to talk with the nanny.
If you didn't invite her to the party b/c you didn't want her to feel she had to work, then the right thing to do would have been to invite her and say "Please don't feel obligated to come at all, and if you do come, we INSIST you attend as a guest and absolutely do NOT work." Always invite someone - and let it be their decision whether or not they'll attend.
So apologize for having not invited her, and explain that you made a mistake. Then tell her that while you value her input you still get to make decisions about the baby, so if she has an idea for something she'd like to do differently (like feeding her different food), please approach you with what she'd like to do differently and why she thinks that's better, and then you and your husband will discuss it and let her know if that's okay.
Maybe she doesn't have a lot of professional experience and know where the line is between being assertive and going overboard.
Also, regarding calling too often: surely you've got caller ID. If a minor surgery or whatever happens again, pick up the phone once to give an update, then tell her "We're just going to bond as a family and relax today, so we'll see you Monday." Then don't answer the phone when she calls - you can check your voicemails in case she's calling in sick. Hopefully she'll get the hint. If not, then tell her "We want you to enjoy your time off away from us - please don't feel you need to check on the baby on weekends or your days off."
I would be pretty upset and hurt if I wasn't invited to one of my charges birthday parties. Even though I grumble when I am invited I still show up with present in hand and smile and converse with all the people there as well as my charges and all the other kids around that I know.
My MB had another baby who ended up in the NICU for something fairly minor...fluid in his lungs and yet I was worried and called and checked on him every day, heck I was actually even there the day he was born. *GASP* I must love him to much.
My MB just took the kids out of state for a nice vacation. She texted me and sent me picture messages of the kids. I loved it. I was also on a vacation in another state and I was on a quest to find the oldest something special she wanted that she saw in a movie and I updated her via her mother about trying to find what she wanted. Her mother wasn't in the least bit upset that I did that.
It really sounds like you need to sit down and set some boundaries with the nanny. If your child is sick just tell her YOU will call her and update her when you can. If she calls just simply don't pick up the phone.
Now on to dinner does she have legit complaints? If so I would listen to her. My MB will sometimes leave something for the baby to eat and he can't eat it yet or he doesn't like it. I have to gently reminder her that he can't have ____ yet because he can't chew it. If it's not legit complaints then just ignore it or be firm and tell her this is what I want my child to eat, please make sure that she does.
Thank you, Let's Get Real. I couldn't have said it better myself.
I think intuition is under-rated. If you feel a ceratin way, there is usually a good reason. At least good enough for you. If something is making you uncomfortable, then let her go. I am quite sure I would in your situation.
AnonymousOnThisOne, are you the nanny in question? Seriously, if you were my nanny...well, you wouldnt be my nanny (not that I have a nanny). I am totally creeped out by how you describe yourself and the your relationship with "your" kids. Yikes!
I don't think you're entirely overreacting. But I don't think it's fair to fire her without first being upfront about your concerns and giving her a chance to correct her behavior. Say, "Nanny, we really value your work, and we appreciate the great care you give our child, and it's nice that you want to check in on her when she's sick. But we also value our time together as a family and we want you to enjoy your personal time as well. Therefore, I would prefer if you do not call on weekends or meet us at the park or xyz..." (insert issues that bother you most).
Meme, no, I am not the nanny. But that is how my relationship is with my charges and their parents. If you spent 65 hours a week with children, I am sure you would understand. I don't think I said anything creepy in my post. I was honest. If a parent hires someone else to basically raise their children, as mine are, then this is what pretty much happens. I don't know what your problem is.
Well, I must admit I expected to get some flack (sp?) on here but not all of this. Like I said, I'm a new mom, just entering the work force again and having that guilt about leaving my baby behind. Yes of course I want someone that my child loves to be around and that loves my child (for those of you who suggest otherwise something is seriously wrong with you). And for those who say well if you can't handle being away from your baby you should make adjustements on your lifestyle, well you shouldn't jump to conclusions. You have no idea what the circumstances are surrounding why a person chooses to go back to work. Mine was because my father was very sick awhile back and my parents did not inform my brother or myself of how large his medical bills became and how they are struggling to pay them off/keep a roof over their heads. I chose to go back to work (30 hours a week so I'm hardly neglecting my child or even leaving the mothering to someone else) to help them pay their bills. I admit that yes, the first thing I should do is talk to the nanny. But hey I'm young, first child and first experience with a nanny. Perhaps some of you forget or don't know what that is like, but its a very difficult thing. People need to stop jumping to conclusions about why a child is left with a nanny or what the mother feels.
I think you should sit down and think about everything carefully. I think some people's comments have been harsh and you should go with your gut. Is she REALLY being this over the top or are you perhaps making it a bigger thing than it is? (I don't mean to doubt you, only to make you consider if you're feeling sad about the attachment your baby has with her nanny)
If you have a loving nanny, that's one thing. If she's obsessed, that's another thing entirely.
Your story sounds worrying to me, apart from the party invite. I would be very hurt if my family didn't invite me to one of the children's parties.
On the other hand, arriving at the park, calling once or twice a day over a long period to check on your baby after minor surgery is obsessive.
The food thing could easily be put down to a misunderstanding/ communication problem.
In my case, I try to avoid the places I know my family would be on the weekend. There's a fine balance one must strike in such a work environment. It is a very intimate working/ living situation.
You should speak with her and try to establish some boundaries. Think carefully about what you might say and be professional. Remove yourself from the position of 'mum' and think of yourself as 'employer' during your conversations. You want to state how she is progressing so talk about the good things and then discuss things you would like to work on. You could discuss it from your perspective- that on the weekends/ evenings you'd like to be able to switch off and enjoy time with your family so the best form of communication is a text if there is something urgent (give examples such as being ill and not being able to come in to work/ forgetting to turn off a heater- these things are urgent). Tell her what you appreciate and that you feel it would be beneficial for your working relationship if you could stick to that. Schedule your time to have this talk so that you can demonstrate how you'd like the relationship to be. Perhaps she thinks you get on amazingly and you wouldn't mind a bit that she calls? I hope that's the case!
It could also be that your nanny is finding that there is a lack of communication on your part (it IS important for us to know how the child's weekend was- any sleep upsets, injuries, illnesses etc.), and for this, I would suggest starting a diary to jot things down so she can be informed.
At the end of the day though- go back to my first point: go with your gut. You know the right thing to do.
Best of luck!
I think you should sit down and think about everything carefully. I think some people's comments have been harsh and you should go with your gut. Is she REALLY being this over the top or are you perhaps making it a bigger thing than it is? (I don't mean to doubt you, only to make you consider if you're feeling sad about the attachment your baby has with her nanny)
If you have a loving nanny, that's one thing. If she's obsessed, that's another thing entirely.
Your story sounds worrying to me, apart from the party invite. I would be very hurt if my family didn't invite me to one of the children's parties.
On the other hand, arriving at the park, calling once or twice a day over a long period to check on your baby after minor surgery is obsessive.
The food thing could easily be put down to a misunderstanding/ communication problem.
In my case, I try to avoid the places I know my family would be on the weekend. There's a fine balance one must strike in such a work environment. It is a very intimate working/ living situation....
.... Cont. You should speak with her and try to establish some boundaries. Think carefully about what you might say and be professional. Remove yourself from the position of 'mum' and think of yourself as 'employer' during your conversations. You want to state how she is progressing so talk about the good things and then discuss things you would like to work on. You could discuss it from your perspective- that on the weekends/ evenings you'd like to be able to switch off and enjoy time with your family so the best form of communication is a text if there is something urgent (give examples such as being ill and not being able to come in to work/ forgetting to turn off a heater- these things are urgent). Tell her what you appreciate and that you feel it would be beneficial for your working relationship if you could stick to that. Schedule your time to have this talk so that you can demonstrate how you'd like the relationship to be. Perhaps she thinks you get on amazingly and you wouldn't mind a bit that she calls? I hope that's the case!
It could also be that your nanny is finding that there is a lack of communication on your part (it IS important for us to know how the child's weekend was- any sleep upsets, injuries, illnesses etc.), and for this, I would suggest starting a diary to jot things down so she can be informed.
At the end of the day though- go back to my first point: go with your gut. You know the right thing to do.
Best of luck!
I agree with LetsGetReal. I have been a nanny for years, and yes you do get very attached to the kids. But a professional nanny should realize they are not HERS, and should give the family their space when she is not there. Please, OP, sit down with your nanny and talk about your concerns. She may have no idea that she is bugging you.
OP, you sound like a very reasonable and caring person, and I don't think you're overreacting at all! It's a tough relationship, nanny-parent, especially nanny-mom. Communication is the most important part of that relationship, so start there!
I'm not sure it matters if the Mom is right or wrong. Mom and nanny are not a good fit. Can't a good Mom and a good nanny not fit? If I were Mom I would find another, perhaps more experienced, nanny, one who will enjoy her days off on her own time.
Another Mom - Don't you think you're overreating? We don't know whether a different dinner was given a couple times or several more. OP said sometimes. Never? That's a pretty strong word lacking context. I just gave my charges a different lunch than instructed because they found what their mom left not to their tastes. It was something they hadn't had before and both gave it a try I thought was admirable relative to where I was at their ages. They need to eat and they weren't going to eat that. The mom I work with will applaud the extra effort.
Oh and about the just part, nap time.
OP -
While the frequency of your nanny's calls is a bit odd, I think you may be misinterpreting it. Does your nanny have a life outside work? Does she have goals she is working towards? I know when I first started I had at most about 27 hours a week and could afford only one class a quarter. With very few friends I often had a lot of time to burn. If she is anything like me, perhaps she feels guilty for not doing something?
A couple things more:
1. A small surgery that went well can change to a big one going badly pretty quickly. I don't know why your daughter needed surgery but perhaps your nanny thought whatever it was would turn out worse? What is her own family's history, maybe she has seen it become worse?
2. I would quit on any employer who didn't invite me to one of my charge's birthdays. So far I've always been invited. My view: either the nanny is a part of the family or not.
I agree with Another Mom's point- if YOU are uncomfortable with your nanny, it's probably time to move on. I'm a little on the fence- I probably would've invited her to the birthday party, but I think the rest of her behavior is a little over the top.
But you never know, another family might be ok with it, and you can probably find another nanny you're more comfortable with. Sometimes personalities just clash, and that's ok. I don't think you're going to change how you feel about her, and I think resentment will just start to stew. Make up some reason, give her a great reference, and find someone else.
I think that you should let her go because you seem unhappy with her. I think you are right: you are not used to having a nanny. Some people are just not cut to have one.
I think your nanny sounded like a good one, though. Perhaps you were feeling a bit inadequate when your nanny was doing a good job raising your child. You shouldn't feel this way. Rather, you should thank God that you found a nanny who takes great care of your child. But it's too late for that: you already blew it. I'm sure she is looking for another job, if she has not found one already.
You should have invited the nanny to your child's birthday. That was rude. And I doubt she was "hostile" to you. I'm sure she was just cool to you because she was pissed. Any good nanny would be in her situation.
Bottom line...you are uncomfortable, regardless of the reason, let her go.
This is your child. Dont take ANY chances.
I would let her go, OP. The fact that she shows up to the park is creepy. However, I do think that in some ways, you are being a bit sensitive. Taking two weeks off of work doesn't sound that minor to me. Minor surgery are things like tubes in the ears, tonsils out, circumsicion, etc. If my boss took two weeks off, I would think it was more than a minor surgery, and yes, I would be worried. And that will only get worse if you stay with the same nanny. There are many great nannies with whom you might click better. I am sure your nanny can feel the tension/discomfort, and would probably feel more comfortable working somewhere else. Especially where she gets invited to the child's bday party. So let her go, and good luck with your nanny search.
I don't understand why people are being hard on you at all op. I am also a nanny and would never do the things you described. Theres plenty of qualified people willing to do the job, if youre uncomfortable let her go period.
I must wonder if OP herself was being uncommunicative and if this too many calls thing is really more her fault for not answering. I know if something bad happens however small and unrelated to me I'll panic if there is too much silence. Although I tend to build from email to text to phone.
I agree with you OP that her attachment is a little unhealthy. It's weird for her to call so much over minor surgery and for her to show up places is kinda stalkish to me. I may let her go, but ultimately the decision is yours.
As a nanny, I would be hurt if I was not invited to the child's birthday party, but I completely understand those nannies that say they would not want to be invited. You could have invited her, but also let her know that you would understand that it is her day off and if she didn't want to come, she shouldn't be obligated and you would be fine with it.
Anonymous said...
I have to say as a nanny, and as an adult, i find this a little immature, and really blown out of proportion. I have never heard of a nanny fired for loving her charges too much. you do know that some families fire their nannies because they left the children alone, or beat them, or did drugs or drank while on the job, or stole from the family right? While I don't think its her place to say that your meals aren't good enough, or imply that you are a bad mother, phoning after your child's surgery only shows that she cares about your child and wants the best for her. If you can't handle someone else loving your child, and are too jealous that your child may actually, get this, love her back, than yes fire a perfectly wonderful nanny and put your child in a daycare. My guess is that you haven't once sat down with your nanny and told her about your concerns. Because that's what new mom's do, they hire great nannies, get jealous or upset about a few minor things, and instead of discussing them with your nanny, you let it fester and eventually you work yourself up so bad that you get it in your head that you'll fire her and find something better..... well good luck with that. I hope your next nanny doesnt love your child at all.
OP- I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's a really tough thing to be a new mom + leave your baby with someone else- and chances are, you'll be second guessing everything for quite awhile. There are obviously issues with your nanny- but it's that old two way street. Having worked with children for a long time, I do think your nanny might be going a little overboard. However, I'm curious as to her age + experience. I feel like this might be ignorance of boundaries by someone who is young, inexperienced, + who truly loves your baby- but if she is more mature + has experience, she should probably know better. You are her employer (+ possibly older + wiser, despite your newness to mothering)- it is your job to set boundaries. Always appreciate the love a nanny (or any childcare provider) has for your child, but make sure they know you're the mother + the boss. It's easy to be too sensitive in your position- it's totally normal- so also think if you're taking things wrongly. Talk about it rationally, perhaps with your husband first (I'm assuming you're married), and try + gain some insight to your own feelings on the whole arrangement. I take care of my niece while my sister works, and even SHE sometimes feels jealous + sad about things, + I'm her sister, not a stranger! Talk it over with your nanny- or if you can't do it calmly, ask your husband to speak to her + to ask her to please more sensative of boundaries...I know I always appreciate it when my bro-in-law lets me know when my sis is in an extrasensative mood so I can help to make her feel better about things. Good luck- and always remember that no matter who you leave your baby with + no matter how long, they ALWAYS know their Mommy, + that's who they love best. :)
PS- Every nanny/ babysitter expects to be invited to birthday parties. It really is considered a total insult to not invite them. Just so you know for the future.
So many people are leaving the same opinion, but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents...
Please, please do the responsible thing and talk to your nanny about your concerns. Give a written list of actual infractions and make it clear this is a warning. This way you can get the change of behavior your want, and your nanny can keep the job they seem to love.
Parents seem to take their role as boss very lightly... There are not many businesses who could get away with firing an employee who cared too much!
I am an employer also and have been employing childcare providers for 10yrs. It is very much a learning process. I made lots of mistakes as a new employer and continue, I'm sure, to make a few now.
I would be concerned with some of your nanny's actions, primarily the coming to the park and excessive calling. It sounds like poor boundaries to me. And I think Village said it best that it MUST be a good fit. Some families want a nanny who becomes like a family member. I want a warm relationship with my nanny, but I also like to maintain some professional boundaries.
Honestly, the issue of inviting our nanny to our kids' birthday parties was one I learned about from nannies on here. Like you OP I assumed a nanny would want her time off. In the beginning I would invite our nanny, but our prior amazing nanny *always* ended up helping despite my explicit requests she not do so, then I felt guilty and questioned whether I should pay her for coming (further blurring the issue of friend vs work vs nanny and how to handle it without offending her). So then I thought she would prefer not to be invited at all or only attend if being paid. It was seeing from nannies on here that most WANT to be invited that opened my eyes. I thought I was doing a favor by not inviting so they didn't feel an obligation to attend during off time. Another similar issue I still struggle with, since seeing varied responses on here, is how to handle Mother's Day (some nannies on here express an expectation that my kids will make them a Mother's Day card, which had never occurred to me).
Anyway, I do think you should make an effort to try with this nanny if she is a good fit otherwise in terms of providing excellent care and being responsible, flexible, etc. What I have found very helpful is to keep a daily journal where our nanny writes basics about the day and I write down any issues. We always review it verbally too, but I find it a helpful way to ensure good communication. If you did not do so already, I would write up a detailed Work Agreement/Job Description for your nanny outlining some of the issues you are already having and trying to nip others in the bud. Review it, give her feedback, and see how things go. If you remain uncomfortable with her in 2 weeks, then move on. Good luck!
I bet if she didnt call after your childs surgery you would have a problem with that also!
Why don't you stay home with your child, they are only young once, I find it odd to have another woman raise my child, kind of like having someone else pick your nose!
I would have been insulted too had I not been invited to my charge's birthday party. She wouldn't have thought you wanted her to work. She would have thought you considered her an important part of your child's life and that you wanted her to be there to celebrate.
I think it was cold not to invite her and you probably didn't invite her because you don't like her.
Calling after a charges surgery is normal. And you say she called many times...Did you pick up? Because if I tried to call and there was no answer I would worry and probably keep calling until I could check her condition.
Being jealous of the nanny is really immature. If you couldn't handle leaving your child with someone else you should have stayed home.
And what if your child didn't like the food you left her...Or what if they had something else and planned to eat that the next day? Perhaps they packed sandwiches and went to the park. You can't eat pasta at the park. Maybe the meal you left didn't fit the situation.
I really hope you think long and hard before you fire someone for such petty things. Who knows...the next person you get might actually abuse your child. Then you'll feel really stupid that you fired someone who cared and did a good job.
I'd LOVE to hear the nanny's side of the story. I bet it would really shed some light onto the situation!
I have to agree with Crowning Glory. We all know why you did not invite the nanny to your child's party. You said it in so many words. You don't like her.
I would think long and hard about your decision to go back to work. Better yet: try a daycare. You will find out real quick that your child won't get one on one and you will have to follow the rules of the daycare instead of the nanny following your "rules," of which you don't even make clear to her!
This is a clear cut case of a mother who has a guilt complex and feels having a nanny in the home is intrusive: these feelings of insecurity and annoyance manifest themselves in your passive-aggressive behavior.
You will never get along with your nanny. Hire a million, you will still be a bitch to work for.
And I too would love to hear the nanny's side. I hope she sees this site on your computer and happens upon this post. If you are reading this, nanny: get out now! You don't deserve this treatment.
This part: "a few times even showed up at the park where she knew we liked to go on Saturdays."
A number keep saying this is somehow creepy, I disagree. It's silly and harmful to suggest such a thing so lightly. If she was almost always there, then yeah, but a few? From my point of view it sounds like OP is being selfish.
OP - did you have an exact time she was aware of, or was this just coincidence?
Don't count general times, if you go between noon and four is not the same as always on the dot at one thirty. And how many times is a few? Are we talking about two or three, maybe four? Over the course of six months that doesn't sound so bad. It's a public park!
I for one sometimes feel like a good walk, and one of my favorite places to go on the weekend is the same park I take my charges to on the weekdays. I have yet to see them there on the weekend, but here's my point, the park does not belong to you.
That's just it. It appears to me you expect your nanny to disappear after her work hours.
I mean let us weigh the evidence:
1. You didn't invite her to a birthday party.
2. You expect her to stay away from a public park.
3. You probably weren't answering your phone thus why you have so many calls to complain about. Look, if you don't answer, it doesn't count.
A lot, dare I say most, nannies want to be a part of the family, but even those who don't want at least a warm relationship with the family. You seem to view yours as little more than a tool, and expect her to lack any sign of emotion.
Minor surgery? You took TWO WEEKS off. Of course the nanny is going to be concerned. She is a human being. I'd be afraid of the nanny who wouldn't call.
I know a lot of people have voiced their opinions but I'll share mine too. I honestly don't see anything wrong with calling to check up on the child. You say it was really minor but you did take two weeks off, which suggests it may have been a little more than minor. The nanny probably thought you would appreciate that she was concerned about the baby. When I know kids are sick I call to check on them, it is a caring thing to do.
Now the dinner thing I'm not sure of. Could it be that your daughter didn't like it? I don't think the nanny should go against what you say and you should probably have a conversation with her about it. I doubt she knows you feel this way.
Now the park thing. You say, "a few times." That doesn't sound like a lot of the weekends she is off she is showing up! How do you know she doesn't enjoy that park too and felt like some fresh air? Parks are public places and anyone can go. For her to not go to a park she enjoyed because she thought you would be there would be ridiculous.
And the party thing! I would be mad too if I wasn't invited to my charge's birthday party!! One time I wasn't invited (or so I thought!) and then everyone asked me where I was. They just assumed I'd go since I knew about it :) I go to all the kid's birthday parties and love being included. I'd be hurt too if I wasn't invited.
I honestly think you are making a lot out of nothing and just aren't used to having a nanny or know what goes on with it. None of these things are red flags to me and just show a caring nanny. Have you sat down with her to talk to her about it? She is probably clueless you feel this way and would be very hurt just to be fired. Talk to her about it and see her side and what she thinks. I bet she just thinks she was being the caring nanny that parents want. I am sure some parents feel the nanny doesn't care if the nanny doesn't call to check on the kids.
OP-do what you want and don't let any of these commenters make you feel bad about it. Who cares if don't like her just because she is too attached to your daughter and you are having a hard time with that. This is YOUR family and there are all kinds of nannies out there. Find one that works with you (one that does her job, cares for your daughter but goes home and doens't think about the job until she has to be back again). There is nothing wrong with that. And I personally think your instincts are right and there is something "off" about this one anyway. But even there isn't, why make yourself miserable over it? It's hard enough to leave your kids with someone else and then to have one you don't trust or feel comfortable with is just not necessary.
And to all the nannies that say they would be offended had they not been invited to the birthday party. It's not your RIGHT to be invited. Who cares if the Mom just didn't want to share that day with the nanny because she was jealous. It doesn't matter, that is HER daughter and birthdays only come around once a year. Let the Mom have the party the way she wants and if the nanny really wants to celebrate the day you can always do it on a day you are working-bake her a cake, give her a gift, have some of your nanny friends over with the kids they are watching.
These same people that are posting negative things about the OP would be coming right to the support of a nanny if the nanny were complaining that the Mom got offended when she (the nanny) didn't want to spend her day off attending a birthday party for the kids. You can't have it both ways-if it's OK for the nanny not to attend (which of course it is) then it's OK for the parent not to invite the nanny.
Not everyone wants to feel like their nanny is part of the family. Not every nanny wants to feel like they are part of the family.
Preach it, Former Nanny! :)
former nanny,
I personally think that all the feedback from the nannies on this board has been dead on. it is not our "right" to be invited to our charge's birthday party: true and none of the nannies claimed that. They merely said they would be offended. I would be too.
Furthermore, it matters a great deal why the mother who sent this in does not "like" the nanny. It matters because any mother who wants their nanny to be a robot who has no emotions is barking up the wrong tree. As someone stated previously: this OP should take their child to daycare, where there is a team of teachers looking after the child. It is less personal and less intrusive.
This OP is OBVIOUSLY not cut out to be the employer of a nanny. Nannies: run from this employer.
That's all.
I wasn't invited to my charges 1st birthday party. I was extremely hurt by this. I never mentioned it, and kept it to myself. But in my mind it showed me that they only see me as the hired help.
I got to go to my charge's first birthday party because the family thought enough of me to invite me. I had a lot fun. I didn't feel as if I had to lift a finger, except to hold my charge because he wanted to sit with his mom and me at different time during the party.
It was so nice to meet the rest of his family too. Everyone had heard nice things about me so they complimented me on how I took care of him.
If you personally don't like this woman you should find a new nanny or put your child in daycare. It's not fare to your child or her if you have this animosity towards her. You may not think so but your daughter will pick up on this.
And I have a feeling when you talked about the meal that was left uneaten and her showing up at the park you mean only once for both things. And I could only see you getting upset about the park if the nanny had to drive out of her way to get there. If its within walking distance she has every right to go there.
OP- I'm really sorry people are being so hard on you here. Just as it takes time/experience to become a good nanny, it also takes time/experience to become a good employer, and I applaud you for seeking advice before immediately acting on your feelings.
It sounds like you are having trouble "sharing" your daughter with the nanny. That's your own issue to deal with. However, there are also specific things your nanny is doing that bother you. I really think you need to communicate those things to her- nicely, but firmly- because she's not a mind-reader.
Also, keep in mind that nannies work based on their prior experience. If prior families encouraged your nanny to call/text on the weekends, that's what she will do with you. It's only a matter of communicating your expectations, but again, you have to be clear and bring things out in the open. Even something like "I notice that you often call on the weekends. Since I'm a new employer I didn't realize that was common. How did it work with your previous families?" That might help open up the issue for discussion, rather than letting it fester.
Good luck!
I think the mom hasn't talked to the nanny about these things because there is a high chance if she does the nanny would quit.
If my charge had surgery that was serious enough for the mother to take off 2 weeks I would be concerned too. If I called to check up on my charge and found out later that this made his/her mom angry I would have to tell the mom I can't work under those conditions. How can someone tell you not to care?
I think if the tables were turned and the nanny didn't call the mother would have complained about that.
You don't like the nanny for personal reasons. That's obvious. So find another nanny. But if you have the same problems with the new one you'll know it's you, not them.
1. The food has happened several times and each time it has been food she likes and has eaten several times
2. She has showed up at the park at least 6 times. It is a fenced in park for children, so yes it is odd she showed up at the time she knows we go and without a child.
3. Of course I picked up the phoe when she called.
4. Honestly, I hopefully only have to work another few months to help out my parents, because you all are right, I really just want to be a SAHM and raise my child
I'm glad you guys read my post and my first reply carefully. Seems like most of you just wanted to attack me. Thanks to all those who gave me real advice and didn't just attack me.
If you have a problem with your nanny talk to them. It's as simple as that. How can a person know you aren't happy with them if you don't tell them?
Plus it doesn't sound like you have a lot of real world experience. It seems like you are young.
Hopefully you can get to stay home again.
Tell your nanny that you want to keep the relationship strictly professional, especially since you won't be using her long term. Also make sure she knows your'll be leaving your job to go back to raising your daughter.
I honestly believe a nanny isn't for you based on all your posts. even if you had a "normal" nanny who wasn't showing up at playgrounds or calling you, you wouldn't be happy with her. If you ever have to return back to work I would suggest you use a daycare. Not every parent is cut out to have a nanny and if you search hard enough you can find a nice daycare.
Best of luck.
Be honest with your nanny when you have your convo.
Calimom, bravo, that is one of your best posts ever (at 1:13), imo, well said.
Jenn, check out OP's post again. She has an obvious tendency towards exaggeration and a motive to disparage the nanny. What is fenced to her? My local park has a fence like structure around its playground with two large openings. What else is there? At mine the only picnic tables and benches are there. Her park may he nothing like mine, but we don't know. I'd love to see an aerial photo.
Look, six times in six months is once a month. OMG you see your nanny once a month outside her normal hours! So scary. It's a public park!
Now if she were following to far away parks and sitting outside in her car staring at the house, I'd agree, but come on. You, OP, etc. have seen too many movies.
OP, dear, you're in denial. Quit, give your nanny a good reference and a couple weeks pay, let her say good bye and be done. She deserves better and the most mature thing you could do is stop arguing here and give her a chance at something better.
Jenn:
Creepy is your sub-par blog. Talk about lame.
Please... Trust yourself. Moms know what is best for their children and believe me, if you have the time to look for a new nanny, you will find someone that leaves you feeling at peace with leaving your child with her. I am a nanny who works with stay at home moms and attachment parents. I am always certain to treat the children as the parents do but when I leave for the night, I TRUST that the parents can take over where I left off and vice versa. Open communication and respect is what you are looking for. Let her go and find someone you love all the way.
I guess I am comparing showing up at the park to the parks/playgrounds where I live. All of the parks we used to frequent are fenced in right around the children's playground equipment, so it would be very weird for someone to just be there without a child to take care of.
Thanks for the compliment on my blog, that is so mature and grown up of you :-)
Again- best of luck OP. I hope you are able to leave work soon and enjoy this precious time with your child.
I think you are being selfish. I am a Nanny and I work with someone just like you. The only thing is, I realized early on that my employer has insecurities and self-acceptance issues so I work accordingly. I care for my charge from a distance and to be honestly it sucks..I never hug or kiss her. I her my undivided attention but I try very hard to keep a distance. Not to much loving, enough so she feels cared for but not enough for her to get attached to me. I can't show am happy or excited about the child learning new things or mastering new skills because she instantly reminds that 'she's MY little girl'. Heaven forbid the child doesn't run to her instantly when she walks through the door. She gets depressed and goes on a whirl-wind spoiling trip to gain her position as number 1 in the childs' life. It's very hard working with someone like that and I feel if you have issues with your child loving someone outside the family, namely yourself, don't get a Nanny. Stay home and care for your child..
It's funny how all the nannies are so quick to just jump down the OP's throat. She clearly stated several times that she wants to be a SAHM mom but family issues caused her to go back to work. I love how people seem to pick and choose parts of posts to fit with their arguments.
OP:
Please ignore the attackers...we all have bad days and some choose to take it out anonymously on strangers. Well written post, thank you.
Yes, I would hope to be invited to my charges' birthday parties, unless it was a small family dinner type event. One of my 3 year old charges had a pirate themed birthday, so my boyfriend and I dressed like pirates and made her day!
Yes, your nanny's behavior seems very odd and I would probably fire her, too. No need to specify the creepiness if you don't want, just cite poor chemistry/fit.
nycmom--
If my charges made me a Mother's Day card, I would be a little weirded out...and since I have a medical condition rendering me infertile, a Mother's Day card might unintentionally ruin my day. Just a thought.
Thanks, DenverNanny. I think I've decided in general not to get a Mother's Day card for my nanny. She has her own kids and I think it's overstepping. However, at least the comments on here raised my awareness that this is even an issue, and I can be thoughtful about it.
DenverNanny (and OP),
Essentially no one is doing a blind attack. Most of the above is constructive criticism and in this day and age OP ought to be grateful. It takes time to sit down and try to provide such service, and the willingness to do so is very rare. A blanket statement to OP that she ought to ignore the attackers doesn't help anyone any.
Put another way, just because something would seem negative doesn't mean that it is intended to hurt the reader. The truth matters and sometimes it hurts. What matters is if the person meant to be malicious, and I do not believe so many on ISYN would. But then, I'm an optimistic soul.
Do you deny that OP in saying she wants to be at home has a motive, however slight, to disparage the nanny? Did you see her first response? It's riddled with excuses. It was nearly unanimous in the posts above that post that she did wrong the with the birthday, does she mention it? Does she say something akin to, "Oh, I didn't see it in this way…" No, she goes on about her father's medical bills.
We don't need to know in detail about her parents' financial troubles to understand that she is doing wrong by her nanny. She can tell us she is helping her father, but you only need a sentence for an explanation like that. Anything more is excuse. She's got an axe to grind here and I don't think it's at all about her nanny. In fact, I think there's a lot to this excuse that OP didn't intend.
Truth be told, I think she would find fault with any nanny, not through any fault of the nanny but rather because she doesn't want to be working to pay her father's medical bills. You must concede that she did take two weeks off for, as she said, a minor surgery and has said she wants to be at home. If she had to quit working for the "sake of her child", perhaps it would help her save face with her family? You see, the problem is, that's just not fair to the nanny. She shouldn't of hired her if that's the case.
Do you really believe that seeing the nanny once a month outside of work hours is creepy? I mean come on. None of us know what her park looks like, but it is a public park. Are you saying that it wasn't mean of OP to exclude the nanny from the party? It is said mothers know best. It's a misnomer. For one thing, sometimes the father knows the child best. That said, most of the time is is true for the child though, but only for the child's wants, personality, etc. When it comes to parenting or being an employer however, this saying does not imbue a mother with any special powers.
OP herself said that she was young and inexperienced, but instead of using that as a basis for self analysis, she uses it as a shield to criticism. If I had to guess, it's because she wants to be seen as unusually good. She's helping her father and when that stops, she will be rescuing her child.
I'm just here to tell OP, no. No you will not be rescuing your child. Your nanny is not in the wrong. You are. But to let things continue as they are would be a greater wrong. Wanting to be with your child doesn't mean you love your father any less than your brother. Apologize to your nanny, give her severance pay and be the best reference you can. Quit your job. Give your a father a hug. He'll understand.
Anything else is nonsense.
Why is it necessary to take sides on this issue and find one person at fault? It's not just black and white, there's plenty of grey here. I think we should give OP credit for questioning her own feelings and taking some time to try to understand the situation. And I think only she can figure this out, with a bit of soul searching and honesty. By honesty I mean, not just to herself, but also to her nanny, in a diplomatic way. She says she's jealous, which is natural, so she might be projecting motives and emotions onto the nanny that aren't quite as negative/strong as the OP thinks. By talking to the nanny she might learn something that puts a new light on the situation and the nanny might be able to find ways to alleviate the OP's concerns. If that's not possible and the relationship is becoming toxic, then obviously it could be time to part ways. The OP just needs to be sure that she can find another loving nanny who won't make her feel the same jealousy and insecurity, i.e. be confident that this is not how she is going to feel about anyone who cares for her child.
On the birthday party issue - we didn't invite our nanny because we could tell that her evenings and weekends were extremely precious to her. We didn't want her to feel obliged to give up her time to come. We had a warm relationship and still keep in touch, but at the end of the day she was not part of our 'friends and family' group that we invite to birthday parties. There was no indication at all that she was not offended. In other words, I don't think there is a blanket rule that you must invite the nanny, it should be decided on a case-by-case basis, and it is ultimately up to the parent. If they mess things up by not inviting the nanny and upsetting her, they have to deal with the consequences and maybe they will decide differently next time.
nycmom I know it's been mentioned before and I think commented on the other article but I don't want a mother's day card or gift from my charges. I am not their mother and that would just be really awkward for me and although I would appreciate the gesture it would just be odd. I know not everyone agrees with me, I'm just giving you my take.
Please, get rid of her now! These are all little "warning signs" that I saw in retrospect after suffering a crazed, rabbit-killing, stalker nanny who became so possessive she set up a potentially lethal situation in my home so she could blame it on the second nanny and have my daughter all to herself. We all lived in terror of her after I fired her until we actually moved 500 miles away. There are still days I am watching my rear view mirror. I ended up giving up my career and am only now, years later, comfortable having a sitter even for a few hours. One day your nanny may just snap, like mine did.
There are so many "little" things that, only in retrospect, clearly show us now what was going on. However, you have so much to go on now, from the multiple calls, to usurping your authority, to the childish birthday party reaction and especially showing up in the park. It would take days to tell my story and I am getting anxious just thinking about it. But please, take advice from one weary, terrorized mother, fire her now, and tell her exactly why so she'll know you are on to her.
OP: One thing to consider is that different families have different expectations. It might be that the previous family for whom your nanny worked praised her obvious affection for the child and she is trying to continue this behavior to gain your trust. If you do not tell her that you prefer things to be different, it is hard for her to know. Also, as someone else said, it might be circumstances in her own life.
A few years ago my sister moved to a different state because her husband had found a new job, which unfortunately not only required them to move but also kept him out of the house a lot. When she found a new nanny job, she became very attached to both the kids and the parents, not because she was creepy, just because she was lonely. She was in a new place, with her husband rarely home, and had a hard time meeting people. She spent a lot of time with the family even when she was not working, which seemed very strange to me, but fortunately for her, this family really appreciated the attention. They felt grateful to have a nanny who clearly loved their kids and took good care of them. Now, she they live pretty far away and my sister no longer works in childcare at all, but they still stay close. The family even pays for my sister's plane tickets to visit once or twice a year. My point is, what seems very strange to some people is valued by others, and your nanny won't know how you feel unless you tell her.
That being said, fit is an important thing to consider. As someone else said, it is possible for a good mom and a good nanny to simply not be a good fit. Please do try to be introspective and honest with yourself about whether or not you would be just as uncomfortable with another nanny. If you can think of a kind of nanny you would be more comfortable with, that's the kind of nanny you should have. Please be considerate if/when you let this nanny go, but do feel confident that the decision is yours to make about whether or not to keep her. If she's not a good fit for you, give her adequate notice or severance pay and let her know you'll provide her with a reference for her next job (as the complaints you have might be a plus for the next family, and she's not really doing anything wrong). But after that, you have every right to walk away from the situation with a clear conscience. Fit is very important in this kind of job!
Wow, I'm kind of surprised with the responses here. I'm a full time nanny and have been for the last 3 years since since I graduated from college (and the 2 years prior I worked at a Montessori pre-school).
I think plain and simple, that your nanny has boundary issues BIG TIME. Showing up at the park? I don't even go back to the neighborhood that the family lives in on the weekends. Cold shoulder for not being invited to a birthday party? I am grateful for not feeling obligated to attend on a precious day off with my fiance that I never get to see. Calling repeatedly to check in on the baby? I've e-mailed before to see how my charge is feeling after an ear infection once...but it's really not necessary since I see them the next day (or *gasp*, if it's Friday I'll see them 2 days later), and they actually will email or text me to give me an update every now and then when they see fit.
I'm sure people will enjoy jumping all over me and claim that I don't care for or love the children enough, which is completely untrue...it's just I'm aware that this is my JOB and while I adore the kiddos and love teaching them and watching them grow, they aren't mine. We read and sing and dance and make up games...we go to the park and Gymboree and the beach. I babysit in the evenings. I get invited to parties and bar-b-ques the parents throw and am given tickets to ball games because they know I love it. We are close, just not OVERLY close. There's a line between being attached and creepily attached. But I'm really not here to defend myself.
Bottom line: if you're uncomfortable, it's best to find a match that works for you and your family. Peace of mind, especially when it has to do with your child, is priceless and worth the time and effort.
She over stepped herself. However, you should have told her the moment it first happened in stead of never telling her and letting it all go unchecked to the point you felt you didn't want her a your kid's birthday and than fired her. If you would have addressed the issue in the beginning this never would have escalated. But yes, she over stepped herself.
While I do believe the nanny was being a little too intrusive, and agree with you, I will give her one thing: If you invite the nanny to a b-day party is not to make her work, but as a guest. A nanny is an extension of the child's family, so inviting her to the child's b-day party is not something that a mom should even debate. I would be upset if my family didn't invite me to the girl's b-day party.
But yes, as for the rest of it, I do agree that her behavior is out of line. Especially showing up on a Saturday randomly to the park you always go. A nanny should always respect family time.
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