Received Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I have a problem. First, let me assure you I am of sound mind. I am on my fifth nanny job. The longest I have worked for a single family is 2 years. I have a journalism degree, I am 28 and I am in a fulfilling personal relationship with my S.O.
At the end of August, I started a new nanny job. The job was to work for a mother with two children under five. She is a stay at home mother but is never home. She does not do charity work, rather she spends her days shopping, lunching and a host of other time sucking things that I cannot even pretend to grasp. Birkham Yoga. I knew when I took this job that she was hiring me because she had many outside interests and needed help getting the children to activities, appointments and scheduling playdates. She told me in the beginning that she would try to make certain that I never had both children.
As it turns out, I have both children all of the time. The children are 2.4 years a part, and a boy and a girl. Their interests and friends and activities are not the same. This makes things hard. What makes things harder is that both of these children are very attached to their mother and cry for her all of the time. She comes in and out all of the time. Just today, I had them both involved with one playdate and the playdate was going great when she popped in with a new jacket and needed child #2 to try the jacket on. This ended with all three children crying and the playdate wanting to go home.
If I am planning to have a playdate, I will make little sandwiches in advance, cut up some fruit and have things ready. This way, when I need to be with the children, I can supervise them and they don't have to come with me to the kitchen and wait for lunch to be made. This is no secret. Three times the mother has come home, threw out the lunch I made and replaced it with some premade entry from one of her stops. Yes, the food is better that she buys, but she doesn't tell me in advance. And two of these times, a nanny was in attendance of the playdate and eating with us. It just makes me look stupid.
My biggest problem is that she doesn't seem to know how to love her children. She doesn't tell them she loves them or hug them or anything. She is not very affectionate at all. Her husband also seems pretty cold, but when he comes home, he always greets them all with a hug and kiss. I don't know why she behaves like this. These are her children. I have come to love them and I tell them that I love them. I hug them. I pick them up. I carry them. She never carries them. She never picks them up. I was going to avoid saying ages, but it is relative that the youngest child is 20 months old.
The way she treats her children makes me resent her. I don't mind the little digs she gets in at me. They don't compare. The problem is I have no desire to leave this position. First, because I am attached to the children and second, because she is so cold and unfeeling, I have true fear over the sort of person she would pick to replace me.
Everytime she goes out, I pray she won't return. I hope for subway muggings, killer icicles, runaway liver cabs and murderous thugs to cross her path. Everytime she comes home, I am dissapointed. My mind has started to wonder about ways that someone could kill her and not be found out. I fantasize that she starts to choke on crackers and gourmet cheese or a luna bar and looks to me for help. I ignore her. She tries to slam her body against the chair to release the blockage but instead passes out. I imagine the 9-1-1 call, the fake panic. When she leaves the house in heeled shoes on icy days, I cannot help smile and imagine. One night I was sitting and she asked me for my opinion on the necklace she should wear. One was fake but didn't look it, it actually was quite eye catching. One was real, small and classy. I pushed her to wear the fake, grander one, hoping she would cross paths with a mugger.
In my heart, I know the children would be devestated if something happened to their mother. I know that they would end up being raised by Daddy's new eye candy, someone who could potentially be even colder and more heinous.
How to I come to terms with my anger towards this woman? I would never seriously do anything to hurt her, but I don't like that my mind drifts in such a sinister direction. I am a God fearing person who believes in the 10 commandments and living a life of honor.