I have been a nanny for a really wonderful family for 3 months. They pay me well, and have 2 great kids and one more on the way. So, my problem is with the mother-in-law. Ever since her daughter became pregnant, she's been a regular fixture around here. My employer is having a lot of complications, is on bed rest, and her mom is over here to help. Personally, I wouldn't mind the extra work of taking care of her, but of course, it's not my decision. What really bothers me is that I don't think the MIL likes me. She's always sneering at me, and whenever she talks to me, it is down her nose at me. She belittles me every chance she gets. However, my employer has no idea any of this is going on. The MIL is "nice" to me when we're all in the same room, but as soon as we are out of earshot of her daughter, she is at my throat again. So many times I've felt like walking out, but I keep telling myself that as soon as this baby comes along, the MIL will crawl back into her hole soon enough.I try so hard to please this family, and they have told me that they appreciate everything I do, so I know it can't be me. Why does this MIL hate me so much? I haven't done anything wrong that I can think of. I wish I could tell my employer what's going on, but I would never stress her out like that. I would feel horrible if something happened to her or the baby because of something I said or did. Dad is hardly around, he works a lot, which is one of the main reasons why my employers mom is here. I honestly have never sat down and had a real conversation with him anyway, so it would feel so weird going to him about this problem. What I'd really like to do is put this MIL in her place! I seriously doubt she would go to her daughter and say anything for fear of stressing her out, too. But, that would be taking a huge risk, and I'm not sure I have the guts to do it. Please help me!
20 comments:
Sneak some Alli in her coffee.
Some people are just naturally "on edge" like this when they meet someone new. Perhaps she is resentful because she wanted to look after her grandchild and was pissed that the family hired you instead. Also, she may be under a lot of stress now that's she's been charged with looking after her DIL.
I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but sometimes it helps to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
I don't think that complaining or should be your first resort. Try "killing her with kindness" first. Catch her off-guard by doing something nice. Offer her a cup of coffee when she arrives, ask if she needs anything when you run out to do an errand, etc.
While she might not deserve it, a simple gesture could turn the relationship around.
If--after you make a genuine effort and go out of your way to be nice-- she is still being bitchy and mean you may want to speak up. But remember she is family and you are not so you need to be careful about how you word it. Instead of complaining, ask if there is something you might have done to upset her.
It's tough to be tactful when you feel as though you're being treated unfairly, but sometimes it's part of the job.
Good Luck!
Hi Philly, if I read it correctly, I think OP said that this was the sneering Mother's daughter (it's all so confusing!). That makes things even touchier. Too bad you can't go to Dad. He's probably so busy with work and worrying about his wife, he won't know what's going on around him. I think you should say something to your Employers Mom. Straight up ask her, "did I do something to upset you?" Who knows, she may surprise you with an answer! Maybe she's worried about her daughter? Having complications while pregnant would wear the most sane person down. (Although it's NO EXCUSE for treating someone poorly!).
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Anonymous said...
Philly Nanny got it right on all counts. Read her post again every day when you get down again about your situation.
As for the first post, about sneaking some Alli in her coffee: a prescription drug misused can really hurt someone. If found out, you will get arrested. The poster Poopy Pants literally has a poisonous attitude. Following her advice will ruin your life.
10:13 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
YOU NEED A MONIKER!
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS:
Anonymous said...
I would approach her and say in my sweetest voice "Mrs. X, I want you to know that I really care about this family. I get the feeling that there is something that you don't like about me. Can we please talk about it?"
Put her on the spot. But nicely. Should work like a charm to call her on her bitchiness. Could backfire, I suppose, but a risk I'd take to break the tension. Good luck!
10:15 PM
RE-POST FOR ANONYMOUS!
YOU NEED A MONIKER!
Wow, OP, sounds like you are stuck in a house with a royal bitch. Why are most mother-in-laws so mean? I think she is either feeling threatened or jealous, who knows. I know I wouldn't be able to stand for somebody talking down to me. Some of these rich hoity-toity people just can't help it, I guess.
I second the vote that you reread Philly Nanny's post whenever you feel stressed about this. You sound very professional and nice. Don't let this mean/stressed/jealous/whatever woman change that. Smile, be polite and be the bigger person...which shouldn't be all that hard since it sounds ike you clearly are already that!
My bet is she resents you for doing what she want's t do. If you weren't there caring for the kids she probably would be (or would be if her daughter would let her) I dunno, that's just my opinion.
Power, power, power, she wants you out of the way so that she can take control, she may just not like you because she did not get to 'choose' you. I like the 'kill her with kindness' idea, do not get involved in a confrontation with her, because, no matter how obnoxious she may be, she is still family at the end of the day. If you have to speak up, and I am afraid that if all she does is sneering at you, there is not much you can speak about, I would speak to the mom (did I do anything to upset you?) but I would also speak to the daughter about your feelings (I feel I constantly upset your mom, can you give me some advice?).
If you are a a good nanny and the mom has any sense, she probably wants you to stick around, but you can't ask her to choose between you and her mom. So play it smart. Good luck
umm, I think poopy pants was a joke. Isn't Alli over the counter now? Not that I'm interested... (:
Philly Nanny did have some great advice, take the higher road and all that.
I have had two jobs where one of the parent's mothers came and stayed for a while and neither time was it pleasant. It seems they feel they cannot just let you be and go on doing what you have been for months without their help/supervision/input. Maybe it is hard for them, having grown children, to be around a young adult and not feel the need to be somewhat demanding? This of course, is not universal for charge's grandmas, just my experience.
I tried for the most part to be accomodating. It helped in both situations however that at least one parent seems aware of the tension or offhand comments the grandma would make to me and so would have a sympathetic look ready for me :)
One day the momboss asked me to grab a knife from the kitchen so I could help break down some boxes in the garage before the end of my shift. I got a steak knife and walked slowly with the knife pointed down at my side nowhere near the kids (the evening nanny had arrived by this point). The grandma of course had something to say with regards to my dangerous handling of a knife and followed me all the way to the garage with a string of comments. Finally when in the garage with the momboss, I had enough and said "Believe it or not, I HAVE used a knife before- I do have a kitchen in my own home." She kinda stood there shocked for a moment and then said "Fine, but don't come crying to me when you slip and stab yourself in the stomach!" MB just rolled her eyes. That was the one time I really gave in and said the snarky comment on my mind, otherwise I just tried to stay out of her way.
How much longer do you have to put up with her? Days, weeks, or months?
Mine wasn't the same situation as you, but I worked for a family for a short time with a very fussy and difficult little 9 month old boy. The Dad's mother came to visit and boy was she a pain in my butt. They wanted me to stay there while she was there because she could not carry the baby up and down the stairs. She told me how to do every little part of my job "the right way" and stood over my shoulder the whole time. I'm not afraid to speak my mind, so basically when she would say "no feed him with this spoon he likes it better" I would say "Yes I've taken care of him every day for the last few months, I know how to feed him" and I would continue doing it my way. When it would become too much I would take the baby upstairs or outside or for a walk b/c I knew granny wouldn't follow.
I would have died if she was going to be there 9 months!
Good luck to you, I say killing with kindness is great advice and if that doesn't work, put her on the spot and make her feel like she's the one with the problem.
Ugh. Sneering MIL's? They are more common than you think. I'll bet every other nanny on this board has worked with one at one time or another.
Just keep your distance when you can, and try to put on your fakest smile when you can't get away from her. Hopefully she won't be around too much longer.
There's nothing worse than a fussy old biddy with too much time on her hands.
Wow, I must say that I'm thankful I've never had this MIL problem.
I personally don't like too extra people around, but i have to say that every single job I've had the In laws have always liked me, or at least they are ALWAYS thankful that I'm there, and always told I should never leave.
I get bonuses from grandmothers in particular.
Interesting. I hope I don't break that streak.
I also get a lot of respect.
I have little tolerance for people who are disrespectful, and perhaps people sense that, I don't know, but that's one problem I would nto like to have.
I'd probably resign in a situation like that anyway, but I agree with some posters and the heaping coals of fire on their heads (killing them with kindness) can be a good idea.
I'd personally just be myself and ignore them, I mean seriously, and of course just do my job, and stay out of the way, but if it got really underhanded (behind mom's back) I'd simply quit.
The other thing is, the proximity. How easy is it for her to come over.
Try to always take jobs where the family lives far away from their family.
Most of my jobs the families lived relatively close, except this one.
so I've always had a stream of people coming and going. I don't like it, but I just dealt with it and just did my job. This is why the family knows me and how much of an asset I am.
On this job my employer just brags about me constantly.
I hope it gets better for you. Oh I just realized that you just about started this position. Maybe grandma is just not yet used to having someone else around, and is getting to know you.
By the way, if the killing with kindness doesn't work, because sometimes it just does not, here's another personal favorite of mine. Treat them exactly as they have treated you. Nothing sends a more effective message.
She turns down her nose at you and you do the same, after all you really do think she is beneath you, and when she is nice to you in the presence of others I'd also try to ignore her.
Of course you run the risk of her telling the mom, so just make sure you are a darned good nanny, of course she could still fire you, but that's a risk I'm always willing to take.
Oh by the way, trying so hard to please the family may be just the problem. People can hardly respect a lackey. Be yourself in spite of and watch how much respect you get.
I know this is off topic but I really found it odd that you referred to her as the MIL? I would think that is how your male boss would refer to her but you? I would think you would say my "bosses mom "or "the Grandma"?? Just a bit odd. I never referred to either set of grandparents as the MIL Or FIL. Is that wierd to anyone else?
If anything it implies a closer relationship with dad than you have led on..afterall,he would be the only one to refer to his wifes mom that way...spending a lot of time with dad are we? Maybe "the MIL" is more insightful than you know?
I think it's hard for both the nanny and the Grandma when they have to work together. The Grandma at the house I work at won't let me do my job when I'm there and in fact she assigns me tasks while the kids are sleeping so I don't get a break the whole 10 hours. Fortunately, she only comes when a parent needs to travel which is about every other month, but she stays a whole week. She says she likes me, she even sent me a present for Mother's Day, but you could cut the tension with a knife the whole time she is there. I know she wants to take care of the kids herself and doesn't want me there. It is very uncomfortable for both of us.
You know, every time I read one of these meddling MIL posts or talk to one of my friends about their meddling, snotty MIL, it sounds exactly like what my crazy sister used to do every time she was around me and my son. She actually tried to convince people that she had "taught" him how to play peekaboo, because he didn't want to play it with her the first few times she tried and finally when he was almost 2, he played it with her when she initiated it, so she bragged to everyone that SHE had taught him how.
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