I am sure I am going to get flamed but here goes. I am a career nanny and have been so for the last 7 years. I had a position (live-in) for over a year with a wonderful family in Manhattan. It was with a wonderful baby boy who was 8 weeks when I started. It was full-time and very long hours but they compensated for over-time, gave me full benefits, on the books, etc. The parents were a nice couple who worked very long hours, he worked in finance and she was in a residency program to be a radiologist. There were many days where they didn't even see him! I would be the person to get him from his crib and usually the one to put him to bed. I bathed him, fed him, set up nap and feeding schedules, introduced new foods, cooked (once he was ready for solids), etc.I was there, like I said, for over a year and then one day in mid September it happened. I worked a regular day and the Dad got home about 5pm. We chatted for awhile and things were fine. He went into his room to change and came back with a grim look on his face. He told me with a shaky voice that his wife's mother was coming to live with them because she decided to divorce her husband (she resided in Texas) and they would no longer need me. I was in complete shock and of course my first question was, what did I do wrong?? I started crying and he assured me that it was nothing I did, and this is just the situation. They thought long and hard about trying to keep me but with her moving in (into MY room), they just didn't need me. They also told me she was arriving THAT coming monday. So starting monday, I was laid off. I started to cry. He assured me that they appreciated everything I did for the last year and that they would give me wonderful references and that they thought of me like family. They paid me 10 weeks severance pay. That was really generous of them, I know. I asked why they didn't tell me sooner and he said they kept trying but it was too upsetting. He actually got a little teary eyed also. The mother got home in a little while and we all hugged, cried and talked about things and it was decided I would come and get my stuff that weekend or during the week, which I did.
Its been 3 months and I am basically still as devastated as I was that day. I miss the baby so much. I feel like they should have given me some warning. I know they gave me great severance pay. Its just I spent so much time with him I guess I got too attached. I actually will have dreams that I am still working there or I am holding the baby or we are at the playground. We said that we would keep in touch but I haven't seen them for 3 months. I am still so sad and I feel like its affecting my life. I got a new position but I am just not happy. I keep comparing it to my other job. The weird thing is, I was at positions for so much longer than this one but I got so attached to this one baby. I didn't know it at the time, but I know now! I feel like there is more to the story and I feel like I did something wrong. I just don't know how to get over it. I guess I will in time. I know that if I were reading this about someone else my first reaction would be that this OP is crazy and shouldn't be nannying if she gets soo attached. I am not crazy. I just miss them a lot.
32 comments:
I am not a nanny, but I can imagine how heart-wrenching it must be to leave this little boy after caring for him for seven years. I have a gut feeling that you did nothing wrong, but they could have a family situation. Mothers and mother-in-laws have an incredible potential for disturbing their children's environments.
Don't feel crazy.
It's been over a year since I was a nanny for a little boy, and I'm STILL dreaming about him. (I got fired because he started choosing me over his mom, and crying for me at bedtime. I was a live-out nanny.)
Caring for someone as much as nannies do creates bonds. A life depending on you for everything, and you providing everything, is a big deal. It actually worries me that some nannies can do this and leave years later with no second thoughts to the children.
***hugs*** I'm sorry. You should call the mother or father up and ask for a "play date". Maybe you could be an occasional sitter for the baby as well?
Anonymous said...
I am a nanny and I know what it feels like. I am still in contacting with several families I have worked for in the past. Perhaps, you can ask the parents if you could take him for a couple days- some much needed one-on-one time, perhaps for the little boy's birthday or maybe a weekend. Offer to babysit and much as the family wants. Find some time to spend with the child. I know he has got to miss you too.
4:51 AM
RE-POST for Anonymous
Oh, this is so sad. I'm so sorry. Previous posters have given the same advice I would, get in touch with the family and see if you can spend some time with him. Offer to babysit one evening or for a whole day so the parents can get out and about together (even for free, if you'd feel comfortable offering), just because you miss him and want to spend some time with him. Grandma might be ready for an occasional break too, and maybe they'd even consider having you babysit one evening a month or something. Get in touch with them and let them know how much you miss the little guy, and you should at least be able to have a playdate with him.
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Also, a repost for an anonymous:
Anonymous said...
I am a nanny and I know what it feels like. I am still in contacting with several families I have worked for in the past. Perhaps, you can ask the parents if you could take him for a couple days- some much needed one-on-one time, perhaps for the little boy's birthday or maybe a weekend. Offer to babysit and much as the family wants. Find some time to spend with the child. I know he has got to miss you too.
4:51 AM
OP, I really feel for you. I nannied for a little boy about 5 years ago that for some reason out of all the others, I can't get him out of my head, either. I think a lot of it has to do with I had the same situation as you.. I was his primary caregiver, the parents worked so much they hardly ever saw him.
It's only natural in instances like this you would get super attached. The child depends on you solely for everything, and your heart knows that. You were essentially this child's mom for that whole year.. same as I felt I was.
It will take some time, but it does get easier. I think it was a good 6 months before I stopped crying for the little boy I cared so much for.
My heart goes out to you.
Thanks Cali mom, I didn't see your re-post!
I have been nannying for 11 months, and I get a little sad when I think about the inevitable day when I will have to move on.
A good friend of mine was let go in the same fashion, and yes, it was because the grandparents were helping out. It's not that you did anything wrong, it's just that the family's needs changed.
Just Saying:
If you read OP's post again, she mentioned she was a career nanny ofr 7 years, and was with the family for over a year, which means the baby is now 13-18 months old.
OP, I felt the same way you did when I left my best friend's aunt's daycare 5 years ago. When I moved back to Madison from Milwaukee last year, I felt the same way too, since my best friend is out there and I am here. I know you are heartbroken about this-I would be too, since you spent all your time with this child, and like Park Slope said, you were his "mother" for a year, and the only person he knew. To get over my homesickness and being away from my BFF, I played "Leave The Memories Alone" by Fuel everyday, sometimes 3 times per day. He may not remember you, yet you have your memories with him. I love Cali Mom's suggestion about contacting the family and seeing how they are doing, and offering to babysit sometime. Other then Grandma getting divorced, did the father say any other reason why they decided not to keep you?
OP, I felt the same way. I was laid from a part time job when Grandma moved in and wanted to take over the child care full time. I cried about it for weeks. I was just so attached to the little guy.
I think it is perfectly normal and reasonable to bond to a child you're caring for. You sound like a loving person.
OP, it is very hard to part ways with people, beit separation of a relationship, divorce, death, being dismissed from a job, going off to college or another job out of state. It is totally natural that you are going to grieve.
Also, it is totally natural that a man finds out his mother in law is going to move in the day that it happens. When people break up alternative living arrangments are often made 10 minutes after the break up. What is a daughter to do BUT take her mother in? Bad situation all the way around.
If you are able, contact the parents and tell them that you really miss their little cherub and that if they ever need a babysitter for evening or weekend events that if you are available you would love the opportunity to watch the child.
PS I can't help to wonder what the poor baby went through when you left and grandma showed up. They aren't puppies. Even if the baby can not articulate what he is feeling he knows something is vastly different and misses you as well.
Op, I'm sorrt to hear this. it's only natural that you would bond with an infant when it sounds like you were basically his mother for the first year of his life. Babies are so dependant and it just brings out that maternal instinct all the more. Just think, if it didn't, how would you explain all of these adoptive moms who love their babies so much form the instant they become theirs?
I'll bet they would love to have you over for a visit or to babysit occasionally. What a great idea. And if one parent for some reason says no, just ask the other and you can see him during that parent's visitation time.
I grew greatly attached to a little infant girl that was adopted from Korea in my first nanny job. the mother decided that the baby had bonded more with me than her and abruptly put her in daycare. I agree that this was probably true but she fired me on my answering machine suddenly over the weekend and these people won't give me the time of day when I run into them locally! It did break my heart and my mom told me ( a mother of almost grown children) that I would have more babies to love. It took me several months to find a job but I am going on my 4th
year with my current family and will greatly miss their 3 little girls in September! I know I will be able to move on though. If you are a loving nanny, you can't help but fall in love with the kids and they fall in love with you too.
Get the baby a small Christmas present and call and see if you can drop it off. It's a great excuse so it wouldn't be awkward and you will get to see the family and catch up!!
Hey Just Saying why you stealing my moniker..
OP I don't think you're crazy at all. I would feel the same way. As a nanny I spend more awake time with the children than the parents do. It's easy to get so attached. I agree with other posters, you should arrange for time to see your little guy.
You definitely didn't do anything wrong, if they thought that they would not have given you 10 weeks paid. I honestly think by the story that they really did not know how to tell you! They seemed like they really did not know how to tell you. I know you probably are devastated and you must be attached to him. Why don't you call them or see if you can see him? It is only normal to get that attached to him since you watched him for so long. They probably felt like they didn't have a choice because the mom probably didn't give them a choice.
I do not think you are crazy, I think you are just a normal human being with a wonderful, loving heart and that is what makes a great nanny!
You did not do anything wrong, I believe they just had a family situation, that's all.
Why don't you call and ask if you can come see the child or ask if they may ever need respite care if the grandmother gets overwhelmed, etc.
Good Luck.
I know exactly how you feel because I was just laid off yesterday too. I've been caring for 14 month old twin girls since the day they arrived home from the hospital, and I was just let go because the family is facing financial struggles and can no longer afford to pay my salary. I never saw this coming and feel absolutely heartbroken that I will no longer be an everyday part of their lives, and the anxiety of having to find a new job within the 3 weeks notice they gave me is overwhelming. The family is not giving me a severace package beyond the last 3 weeks I'll be working for them, which makes the situation all the much worse. Their mother was beside herself crying when she had to tell me the bad news and I've been in tears ever since yesterday morning when I found out.
Mom
The parents aren't getting divorced, the grandparents are.
I think if OP wants to see the kid, both parents will have to agree to it since they are together.
junk mail,
OMG, no wonder the dad was crying. Mother in law in middle of divorce barges into their home to LIVE with him and his wife and forces them to get rid of nanny that they and their child all love.
There's a recipe for disaster if ever I heard one.
OP, pray for this family and do definitely offer to be their backup babysitter on a time to time basis. They are in for a hard road. Let's just hope they don't end up strained or divorced.
justsaying
Stealing? That's a bit harsh of a word. I see 2 distinctly spelled monikers anyway.
in another thread, there is one spelled 'just sayin' - that's who I thought was in this thread.
Oh OP, we've all been there, you are not crazy! This is the huge downside of the nanny profession. All jobs end eventually, and when you love the children, there is a grieving period. When you start with a child when he/she is a very young infant, the bond tends to be especially strong. Because your loss was so sudden and unexpected, it must be especially devastating.
I have had several jobs end when I was no longer needed during the day, and continued to baby sit for occasional evenings. It makes the break easier for me, but more importantly, for the children.
I would definitely call, ask how x is doing, and tell them you would love to baby sit if they ever need you. It may be that they felt uncomfortable asking and would be very happy to hear from you. I would avoid saying how much you miss x. They probably feel badly enough about having to dismiss you so abruptly.
As with any loss, you WILL feel better over time, I hope you will be happy in your new job
It will be ok--that is a great idea about the Xmas present! I have spoken to them a few times but they are so busy that they keep saying theyll have me over for coffee or something but they never do. I also reminded them I am available to babysit but I guess because Grandma is there they dont need me. I think the hard part for me is that is was so abrupt and I lived there. There was no time to even take everything in. While I appreciated their generousity of the 10 weeks severance pay it was still scary having no notice and having to rush to find a job in this crappy economy. Luckily, I found a job within about 4 weeks and that severance pay really, really helped. Thank you everyone for your kind words, I am actually surprised everyone didnt think I was nuts, lol.
I have gone through a very similar situation. I was a nanny for an amazing and sweet little boy for a little over a year. I was live-out but was there everyday and grew very attached to him and his parents. The Dad's work situation was changing and they weren't going to be able to afford a nanny anymore. They also wanted to put him in a situation like daycare where he'd have more daily interaction with other kids. They told me "this change may happen in a few months" but only a few weeks later the Dad had to have an emergency surgery and Grandma came for an extended stay...which meant I was no longer needed.
I was crushed and while I understood, I missed him so much and felt like I was missing out on everything. Luckily I have gone back for his birthday party, and just went over last week to hang out for an evening and play with him.
I bet it was really nothing you did to make this happen...if it was you, they would have just found another nanny, not had Granny move in. I hope you get to see your little buddy soon OP!
This is why we need robot nannies. Its too emotionally difficult a job for gentle human hearts.
OP, you aren't crazy. You feel the love the baby has for you to this day. He misses you too. The parents miss you too. I'm sure you're feeling all this. The best thing you can do is call and tell them how much you still miss them and that you would love to get together or babysit for a couple of hours. Good luck. Let us know what happens.
I think most good nannies have been there/done that.
my last family gave me 4 weeks notice and I needed every moment of it to help me separate from the babies. The family before that gave me none- i still miss them.
It's hard to take good care of someone and not get attached sometimes. Not impossible, just can be hard.
good luck moving on. I agree with the others though, make all attempts to get in contact again.
Like the dad said, it wasn't you it was the situation.
Imagine if they had kept you on, and this grandmother of the baby came in and started to mess up the baby's schedule, telling you to do things differently, and nagging you. Then your fantasy land job would have turned sour quickly.
They couldn't tell you because they loved you, they wanted to keep you, but they couldn't.
Why don't you call them, and catch up - you make the effort don't rely on them because they seem like busy people.
Sorry to hear that you feel so heartbroken, but don't let it get to you, you know in your heart what you did for the little boy and try to always be a posotive influence in his life.
I don't see why people would be angry at your post.
The thing is, as nannies we have to get attached. If we didn't then we wouldn't give the best care.
I still think time will heal your sadness. I do believe that you loved that baby and the family loved you, but I believe in time the same bond will happen with your new family.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!
I have nannied for several families (career nanny) before having my own family and I still miss the little girl who was my last charge. I was there for two years and she was just a doll!
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