Barnes & Noble on Warren Street in Tribeca on Friday, Nov. 21st. Pale little boy with very blonde hair named Aiden in a light blue sweatshirt crying piteously while his Nanny who was young, plump, hispanic or african american with very curly hair big hair, slightly streaked. The Nanny told Aiden repeatedly that she was very angry with him and to stop crying. There was no kindness or affection in her voice or face and the child was close to hysterical.At one point when she pointed at him, he seemed to think she was going to embrace him and eargerly moved forward but she shunned him and repeated that she was mad. He continued to cry and whimpered for his mother. The sitter's friend, another sitter, seemed uncomfortable about her friend's behavior but unwilling to intercede.
I would say at the very least this is a very bad fit between sitter and child. The child seems sensitive and the sitter has zero patience for this sort of child, doesn't seem to like the child.
28 comments:
DO you know why the nanny was angry at the child? Could it be that he was crying beause he was behaving badly and being admonished? My kids did that -- they'd feel bad and cry about it but it certainly never made me less angry -- at least the nanny wasn't hitting or threatening to hit the child. Perhaps the other nanny was looking uncomfortable - as observers often do -- because she was witnessing a very public 'tantrum'
When I have to give one of my charges a time out, part of that process is speaking to them in a stern voice without affection in my voice. When they've finished their punishment and they've apologized, that's the time for compassion and affection.
Maybe this nanny is always cold, that wouldn't be good, but I'm not sure what we can tell from this one incident. It's not abusive to show and tell a child that you are angry with his behavior.
I don't see anything too wrong with this sighting. The child my have just been not listening properly or they could have been in the book store for a long time and the child was getting ansty and then acting up. Or the nanny could have just had short patience. Not sure. In any envent, if the child I take care of throws a tantrum in public. I gently remove him from the situation and we go outside until he calms down and then we talk about the incident, but he is 4. So this may not work for a younger child.
I think the OP (or any observer) might be able to tell the difference (they are there, after all) between someone setting limits on a child (which is usually appropriate) and someone being cold, or over the top. I set limits on my child frequently, but am loving about it. Someone in the area can tell the difference. I once carried my child screaming, out of the Barnes and Noble, but was saying, "I know you want to stay, but it's time to go; you werent' sharing" or whatever. I got sympathetic looks from other adults, not looks that implied that my child was either a brat or that I was cruel. You can set limits and be warm. If the OP saw something she/he thought was wrong; and she/he felt that observers were uncomfortable, then maybe the parents should know about it. That's what the site is for....not to pick apart someone's instincts.
I agree with you, Upstate Mom, about what the postings on this site are for. But, we're not writing posts, we're writing comments. Comments on this site are inherently about our own opinions and our own takes on the posts we've read. So, I disagree about the whole "picking apart someone's instincts thing", in fact, that's really what I enjoy most about this site, the unrestricted and sometimes colorful exchange of opinions and insight.
You are 100% right, Upstate Mom. It really bothers me when someone goes through the trouble to send in a sighting, and if a child isn't getting a beat down, we assume it isn't worthy. We must remember that we weren't there and it had to have been something the OP saw that made them feel it was significant enough to report it.
Emily
Yes, maybe for Perspective and Opinion or Rants. But I don't think it's fair to tear apart Sightings (unless of course, they ask for it by using racism or something to get their point across). Why? Because people will stop sending them in if they think they are going to get ripped apart every time. Then what would be the purpose of this Blog?
I've been a regular poster to this blog for almost three years now. I'm confident that sightings aren't going to dry up because I or anyone else give our opinion on what might have been happening in a given situation.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that if you don't have the courage of your convictions to read about your sighting being questioned, then you shouldn't post it at all.
Well, I would agree with you Emily, except that we've lost so many regulars lately, some of those saying before they left they couldn't take the flaming anymore. I also like it when posters exchange colorful opinions and insight, but I guess some people just can't take the heat. So, what say you?
Can we really be sure we've lost regulars? Almost everyone is anonymous on this site, so who's to say that they haven't just changed their monikers. At least a few have admitted to that.
What flav-
I agree, people don't leave they just change their moniker. It's easy to spot typing patterns if you're looking for them.
what flavor today?
That's true, but some of these posters, their style is unmistakable. They are for sure gone. Like sprak, umass, maybe lindalou, kate in co. (she was pretty colorful) - - just to name a few.
I'm not ging to lose much sleep over them, the internet doesn't have a shortage of colorful characters.
Aww, but I miss them.
Oh, and speaking of which, CHICK, I'm glad to see you're still around! You were gone for a long while.
Yeah, I have to say that telling a child sternly that you are angry with them, and not hugging them for a period BECAUSE you are angry, (which you have explained to them), is not necessarily innapropriate. If she hadn't explained to the child that she was angry and just acted cold and he didn't understand why, it would be different, but it's OK to be angry with people, and the socially acceptable way to handle it is to tell them that you are angry and not hug them.
OP, I think your post is clear, informative and overall objective, which is what allows other posters to question your opinion. And you give your gut feeling, which is important. If I were this child's parent, I would be so thankful to you for writing this post, because it would give me a great opportunity for evaluating my nanny: would she tell me about the incident spontaneously, how would she describe the facts, etc....? I agree with other posters that this may not necessarily be a bad nanny, but I find your post helpful and relevant.
As for Sighting OP's getting unfavorable comments... I visit the consumerist.com where folks send in stories of bad customer service etc. and there is a constant issue with "blaming the consumer" comments. Sometimes it's warrented, sometimes it's not.
Anyway, I don't comment much, especially not on sightings, I figure of course the recounting of the story is tinged with the OPs own biases and assumptions (right or wrong), but they all seem to do their honest best at just describing the situation.
The commenters here on the sightings serve a huge purpose. Suppose a parent is reading and sees a post that is obviously about their Nanny. The comments actually enable the parent to get a survey of opinions. Opinions from people who have experience with the nanny biz and who come from different backgrounds.
If there were no comments, what would that parent do? If it were me, and I found a post about my nanny, my first instict would be to call someone, a sister, friend, co-worker, and say "hey read this thing, it's about my nanny, what do you make of it? She always seemed so sweet to me, I need another opinion."
~~~
As for this particular sighting, the fact that, as the OP put it,"At one point when she pointed at him, he seemed to think she was going to embrace him and eargerly moved forward..." seems like a good thing. The little boy is used to getting affection from her, he reaches for her, he doesn't shy away from her when she is angry.
When I first started to read that sentence, I thought it was going to be "when she pointed at him he cowered, as if he expected to be hit" I was quite relieved that he reached for a hug.
Oh. My. Gosh. Are you kidding me with this? I am sorry but this is getting out of hand.
OP, either you need to stick to posts where a child is actually in danger because of an abusive/neglectful nanny, or do not post at all!
These kind of posts give posters a bad reputation.
Unbelievable.
I am a nanny for a two year old and I often need to be stern in public. I often withold my affections when I am upset or angry, as is a human reaction.
It does upset me that people seem to expect nannies to always be kind and pleasant. Children need to learn that when you make someone upset, they do get angry and they do express by raising their voice and withholding affection. This is a part of life and is true for all ages.
Our job is very difficult because as nannies we do need to discipline other people's children, often without support from parents. We walk a line between what we know is the right thing to do and what the parents themselves do.
It is difficult to deal with some of these children who do not havve the proper discipline at home. The result is not always perfect, but I certainly wouldn't want someone watching me and critiquing me in such a negative way. To me that is infuriating.
I think the point some posters here are making is, why be angry? If you know it's part of child development for kids to act up, be the adult and deal with them neutrally. Why do you need to withhold affection or show anger in order to discipline? Be mature! Consider the age of the child as well.
Does that happen 100 percent of the time? Of course not, we're all human and sometimes tired and overworked and our emotions do get the best of us. But if this was my child I'd want to know.
NV Mom
If telling a child that you're angry with them in an even voice is not dealing with the situation neutrally - I can't imagine what is.
Giving the child a cuddle while telling them you're angry sends mixed signals and creates confusion in their minds as to what is acceptable.
I am just interested in the pyschology of a person who would be so upset by this. Why exactly is it so upsetting to someone that a child got a stern talking to by a nanny? As a parent, why would you "want to know"? Really, are you so overprotective that you cannot trust another adult to verbally discipline your child? Do you really think it's that huge a deal?
Even more fascinating, how could you watch this scene in the bookstore and actually be so bothered as to write on a blog about it? As a customer in the store, I can't imagine involving myself to this degree. At the most, I would be glad to see a child receiving discipline.
With so many upsetting and disturbing things in the world, can this really, honestly be your priority?
Its called 'I'm an entitled rich lady with too much time on my hands and no life outside of motherhood syndrome'. It is treatable with therapy.
I am so glad my parents spanked me.
If my mom or dad ever withheld affection from me or made me feel like they did not want to look at,hold,hug or kiss me,or they acted like they did not like me,I would have felt horrible! Just horrible!We only had a nanny for a few short months while work took dad out of town. She spanked us too,with our parents knowledge and permisiion.
This(op's story) is like a mobile time-out.
Shunning a child is emotional abuse..Period.
Our parents swatted us on the butt ..we got the message and that was that.They never left a mark or bruise. I am so glad that I had parents who were smart enough to know that a swat on the butt is far less likely to leave emotional scars than belittling a child by with-holding affections.
When time outs became the new way of discipline,our children got the message that parents were no longer serious. Our JH'S are now filled and teen gangs and pregnancy are all the rage! Viva le time out!
Hi, I'm the original poster. I give time outs, and having two children have waded through the tantrum years. I have also hired babysitters and trusted them to discipline my children. This was different.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell a child you are angry, but I think that I can tell the difference between a person who is angry about something and an angry person. I saw the latter. Since I was stuck there for about an hour, I had time to observe. It was (as the headshrinkers say)in my estimation a bad fit between the temperament of nanny and child and the time out wasn't being used in a limited way, she just kept piling it on.
Here's my threshold. I've never posted here before, but I figure if it's something I'd be willing to address face-to-face if I knew the mother (knowing what a nightmare that would be) then I should post it. If the mother reads it and maybe it confirms something she already senses, that's all that matters to me. I hope I'm wrong, honestly.
no timeouts for me, that's just ridiculous. If a small child throws a tantrum and for instance, hits or bites their caregiver, you are seriously trying to say you think it's better for the caregiver to hit the child, (to teach them that hitting and biting are wrong, of course), while speaking sweetly to them and hugging them, than for the caregiver to explain calmly and firmly that they are angry with the child, withold the affection for a specified amount of time (as in TIME OUT) and then discuss the situation with the child? Again, just ridiculous. Unspeakably so. I hope I never run into your offspring in a dark alley.
Im familiar with the nanny situation in that particular store and there are some good ones and some of the nannies are just horrible!!! Many of the kids run free in the store leaving books all over the floor unsupervised while their nannies congregate in the back corners by the windows paying now mind to the kids. First I feel sorry for the people that work there and are tirelessly picking up after unsupervised children. Then I feel bad for those parents who pay good money to have their children watched when unknown to them there arent being watched at all.
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