Received Tuesday, September 9, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
I cannot take this anymore. I have tried to smooth the situation. I have delicately made suggestions, but I can't save the situation. I am a nanny for a very wealthy and powerful family in CT. They have two wonderful boys, who despite being raised by a power hungry, jackass and his mentally abused wife, are both sensitive, compassionate, strong and loving boys. The mother is constantly beaten down by her husband who makes ridiculous demands on his wife and criticizes her every move. She tries to hold it together but there are afternoons she locks herself in her bedroom. I can hear her crying, sometimes. She is always nice to me and a loving mom. Her friends are the friends that her control freak husband says she should have. She volunteers with the charities he wants her associated with and works on a campaign for a politician that is in his pocket. You may have gathered by now that this guy is an ogre. I am not here volunteering my time, I get paid. I make a hefty salary. Here is the problem, first, I didn't know about all of this dysfunction when I interviewed with the family. I cannot save this wife, I don't have the resources. I don't know her family and I would never involve myself in an adult's life if I were not asked. Just the same, it is a sad situation to see. But not as sad as the main problem. The main problem is back to the two wonderful boys. One is all American. He likes sailing, football, baseball, has a mind like a graphing calculator, is rugged, messy and "all boy". The other boy is not into sports, at all. He enjoys baking, writing, plays the piano, likes classical music, classical composers, poetry, Shakespeare, etc. He is neat, organized and always together. Both boys are very intelligent. The father does not have great relationships with either, but he does have somewhat of a relationship with boy#1. (The boys are only 16 months a part in age). He makes snide comments about boy #2 to boy #2 and to everyone else. These snide comments all have to do with homosexuality. The way he even looks at this kid (as he is playing the piano) are with expressions filled with hate. He doesn't call him a fag outright, but makes comments like "light in his loafers" or "that should be right up your alley" (a new cookbook). Or "aren't you missing an episode of queer eye". And this is said to the child just when he is trying to start a conversation with his father. The kid doesn't "look" gay. He looks serious. He doesn't look like an athlete. He is very thin (but eats all the time). I am so fed up that I really want to just call some social service agency on this man. He will of course know I made the call. He makes a ton of money working for a hedgefund in Greenwich so I know he could rain on me with lawyers. Do I walk away? Or do I stick my neck out for this kid and then walk away? I don't have a confidentiality agreement. And the mother is not strong enough to stand up to the father, who is among other things, a mean and vindictive bully. This is something I fear.
33 comments:
Sadly, this stuff WILL effect this boy while he grows up. My dad did that with my brother. Not about being gay, but about being chubbier then my other brother. A big fat cat would be on the TV and he would go "look its charlie!" or like other snide comments like that, which destroys the soul.
My brother is 19 now and he is actually a huge sweetheart. Nicest guy ever. He learned not to be that way from his own experiences, however when he was growing up he had behaivor problems, threw fits all the time and had a poor self image. It was when he grew up, moved out that he became happier with his life.
Its ironic because my other brother grew to be the 'chunkier' one and this brother is now thin and tall. He does not have a good relationship with our dad, mostly because my dad seemed to favor my other brother.
I can totally relate to this family. Even my mom acted like the mom mentioned here.
I truly wish someone would have done something to stop my dad from verbal abuse when I was growing up. It really really damages self image and tears people apart.
So yeah, I think you should do something or talk to someone you trust, someone that knows the situation more then randoms online would before you take more serious action. You could really make a huge difference to this little boy's life.
Wow, this guys sound awful! I really feel for those kids, especially boy #2! I definitely don't think you should contact social services because it would not make any difference. Unless the boy is being abuse and you can prove it, there is nothing they can do. I completely agree that this guy's parenting style is mean and inappropriate though.
Unfortunately, there really isn't much you can do. If you decided to stick it out with this family, I would just encourage the boy #2 to do the things he's interested in. Tell him as much as you can that there is nothing wrong with him playing the piano and cooking. As far as the mom is concerned, I think you have to stay out of that one as well, although I'm sure it is hard to see a woman treated like that. Anyway, good luck!
Dad is just awful and needs a swift kick in the ass!
This young boy, although you don't give their ages, sounds very talented.
Please encourage the boys, especially #2, with their interests because it sounds like Dad has "checked out" and really doesn't give a damn about their well-being.
Repost from anonymous 3:46 pm
What about the boys' teachers? Do you have any interaction with them? Is it possible to speak to them casually and see if they have noticed anything?
I am reposting this as I was going to say pretty much the same thing. The dad clearly has some issues. But it is going to be really hard if the mom does not stand up either for herself or the kids.
I think it would help if you could find someone to share this with. What about relatives or the kids' doctor maybe?
Mom needs to get her rear in gear and protect these kids. Talk with her.
I believe that as long as you don't lie about anything, it is perfectly legal to repeat anything you have heard him say to CPS. (Although proving it is true could pose a problem.)
What an asswipe this dad is. Obviously he is quite insecure about his own masculinity, otherwise he would not be so worried about outward appearances when it comes to his kids.
Is it illegal to record what he says to his son and document it in a journal and then providing it to CPS? Would CPS even take this serious?
I would have no problem telling him he is an inconsiderate idiot.
I think I asked my husband something having to do with this subject before on here...about confidentiality agreements being binding in the event there is abuse in the home. In that type of case, he said, no contract is enforceable if it violates violates a law...in other words, people cannot contract to hide illegal activity.
This is a little different. I will ask hom to be sure...good timing, he just called this second! He says not illegal to write down specific things you overhear. I asked him about secretly tape recording abusive statements and he said that probably depends on laws that vary from state to state.
Personally, I would check out the state laws where you are and sedcretly tape record if possible...and legal there. There is no room for denials or "he said, she said" when it's on tape. I would suspect that verbal abuse is probably really tough to prove, because a) it's a fairly objective thing to determine the line between jerk and abuser and 2) who's going to admit it?
Calling CPS will do nothing. No one is going to take a child away because a father makes mean comments to the child. If I thought it would help I would tell you to. But CPS has way bigger problems to deal with. All you can do is be there for these boys and reinforce to him what a good kid he truley is.
I've been thinking about this sad story all afternoon and it makes my heart hurt for this poor boy. I do know that kids are incredibly resiliant, especially if there's at least one person in their life who believes in them and is supportive. Kids are naturals at knowing exactly what's what. He probably knows that his dad is an incredible asshole and that his mom is helplessly bullied by him.
I agree that calling CPS won't be helpful, especially if the boy is from such a pominent family. In all other ways, I'm sure the boy is well taken care of. Don't put yourself in a compromised position for such little reward.
It would be great if the mom could/would buck up, but there's likely not much you can do there either.
What you CAN do is be one of the people who, when he's older, he can look back and remember as being one of the ones who was really there for him. Do encourage him in his endeavors and let him know straight up how wonderful he is. Help give him hope for his future. Someday he will be old enough to not be under the constant criticism and scrutiny of his father.
It's hard watching a potential trainwreck, but you can't prevent it. All you can do is help make it easier on the passengers.
This has CPS written all over it.
My cousin is a recovering bulimic bc of the verbal abuse her father did her whole life. ("You're fat", etc)
I fear for this boy growing up like this and not accepting himself.
This absolutely breaks my heart.
Does anyone know about the legal responsibility a nanny might have? I know as a teacher, you're REQUIRED to report any sort of abuse (and this most certainly is abuse). I think the idea of talking to the teachers is a good one. Maybe ask their advice.
I am a regular poster here and this story breaks my heart. I cannot imagine that anything can be done. Let me ask you this, can anything?
I have a friend who is in the same situation as the mother. She is on the receiving end of constant emotional abuse by a mentally unstable ragaholic prone to alcohol abuse. Just when it gets really bad and he gets angry and starts lashing out like crazy, like a dog, warning others not to get involved, she cowers and gets angry at the people who are trying to help her- only so she can calm him down. There is a small child who witnesses this unbalanced father (a diagnosed bipolar who decided randomly to go off his meds AGAIN). The only difference with this mother is she is fiercely protective of her child. She will take the abuse and not say anything only to calm him down so he isn't yelling like a maniac.
Previous times she has tried to leave him, he has done such crazy things as climb a ladder and try and break back in the house (which was her house in her name). He has also told me personally that if she is ever with another man, he isn't going to be any "cool baby's daddy" that he will "kill that motherfucker".
How do I help this person?
How do you help women, really? I also noticed that when he is feeling angry (over half of the time) he goes out of his way to suggest flat out that everything she is doing is wrong, that she is a bad mother or that the child could get hurt, shouldn't be climbing here or eating that. All of this is hypocritical because she makes solid and sound decisions for her child and puts her child first all the time. He puts his self first, all the time. The last I heard from her, she wanted to seperate, so he convinced her to go to marriage counseling. Once there, he went into a tirade (a tattle tale session of everything she ever did wrong in her life) specifically because he needs to hear people say "X is a bad person".
What I don't tell this friend, what she would never believe is that I have seen such hatred for her in this guy's eyes for a long time now. Sure, everything is good when she is prodding along, stroking his ego, buying his things, helping him to live a lifestyle way above his means. I know most of you will probably say that there is nothing I can do in this situation to help her.
But you know those women who end up dead and their children are left standing next to their mother's dead body? I see that exactly as happening. I see it crystal clear. Isn't there someone I can give the information I have to to help? Not hurt?
In truth, the abuse this person has suffered is so strong that I already have a fear of angering him more. He has made it clear that he doesn't want her to have anything. He has threatened her job, taking her child away, etc.
Are all women's shelters set up just for the women themselves to get there? Is there a place to call for counseling?
This woman needs somebody with an outside perspective to hear all of the things I have heard and advise her.
This is an urgent situation.
As for the original post, I am so sorry you have to witness this. When I think about how much it hurts me to see this woman torn down by this man (in addition to being called a bad mother, he also calls her every shade of fat, slut, used up, a whore, etc), it pains me to think how her child will feel when he comprehends the ugly words coming out of his father's foul mouth. I have never been the victim of something like this, I cannot imagine how she feels.
A nanny is a mandated reporter and emotional abuse is abuse, just the same. Really, go to the CPS website for your state and see for yourself.
I think Sara would tell you that it isn't your place to do anything but salute your employer as he berates his child for not being a rugged boy.
Way to go Sara. My new best friend.
Sorry to hijack,
You cannot help anyone who does not help themselves. If this woman has money and is suporting this man she apparently does not want to let him go. She could get a court order to keep him from being anywhere near her property, a restraining order to stop harassment and every time he breaks one he can go to jail.
She is not doing that so I guess she wants him around. Nothing changes unless we change.
OP I would type an anon letter to this sons teacher or his principal. If they call CPS then you have no worries about him knowing it is you and going after you. I would also have a heart to heart with this boy and make sure he knows that he is a good person and that you know it is hard for him the way his father acts.
The kid has 2 years before he can get out of that house. If you can take it, stay and try to be there for him. This woman is a poor excuse for a mother. She runs to the bedroom and crys and lets her son take this abuse from this sick man. She is an uncaring woman and only seems to be thinking of maybe if she says anything or leaves him, that she will lose the big house and check book or she was raised by parents that treated her the same way and has no self esteem
and some how thinks she deserves this kind of treatment.
This man is homophobic and maybe he is because he may be gay himself and hates this boy because he sees in him what he him self is. Either way try to be this kids friend and help him thur the next 2 years. If this guy is a big shot and has friends in upper places trust me no one will do a damn thing.
Unfortunately, CT is an "all-party consent" state, meaning that you can't record any conversation unless every party to the conversation has knowledge and has given consent to the recording. CT is one of only 12 states that require this. So...my advice is to definitely NOT try to record any of this man's verbal abuse towards his son.
However, you certainly can write down times, dates and specific comments/language used. Once you have enough evidence you could call CPS anonymously, tell them what's going on, and see if there's anything they can do. Like some of the other posters have suggested, you could also speak with the childrens' teachers, doctors, etc.
Good luck and I'll say a little prayer for you and those kids tonight.
OP,
If you do put yourself in danger for this boy, is it worth it to you?
As a nanny I would never put myself in danger. Just as you said, you wouldn't interfere in an adult's life without being asked. You must feel that way for a reason, so why is it different for the boy?
If you really care about him that much, you still have to really think things through. Don't let an emotional decision hurt you in the long run. And don't be bullied by people on here who are "call CPS" happy and think it's the solution to everything.
What I would do is be there for him and be an ear for him to listen to. If you have to be his only therapy, at least you can be someone he can talk to. You can teach him that no matter who accepts him or doesn't accept him, for whatever reason, he has to find happiness in himself.
I also want to add that I believe most teens need therapy for some kind of rejection in their lives. It's a hard time for ALL of us.
Why not stand up to the bully? Next time he starts up say "BACK OFF." Just keep it short and simple like that but let him know you're serious. My guess is he'll be shocked but he will back off. If not the worst that will happen is you'll have to find a new job, but better than standing by watching this creep terrorize this family.
My father in law was like this with just one of his sons. (Thankfully he was too self absorbed and selfish to pay any attention at all to his younger sons, but heaped his entire basket of parenting on just his older son.) He coached this boys sports teams, etc., but also heaped all of his criticism on him too. I have heard he said things like, "You're going to grow up to be a garbage man," and stuff like that....constantly.
What's the end result? IF ONLY the guy COULD hold a job as a garbage man! His dad has ended up arranging menial jobs for him wiht friends, or whoever he could talk into hiring him...like as a bagger at the grocery store or gas station attendant. But he couldn't hold those jobs....even in his 30's and 40s. Daddy ended up having to buy a gas station himself specifically for the purpose of giving this guy employment...only son didn't work much, or at all, and simply stole money from the business for extra cash. Finally daddy had to sell the station 'cause son wouldn't work, and instead gave him close to a quarter of a million dollars in "severance"...thinking that would keep him on his feet for a while. Within a year of receiving that money, son was divorced, for the third time, and had lost his home because he wasn't making payments. He has three kids with two moms and abandoned them all in another state...not even paying support. How did he get away with that? By convincing somebody in his state that he is mentally ill and unable to work at all (this may actually be true, IMO) even though the rest of the famiy thinks he's just a manipulator (which may also be partly true)...so now the government supports him entirely....pays his children social security. He is prone to random rage and has huge mood swings...even having tried suicide on a few occasions. Good times.
This is what can happen when a parent (especially a father towards a boy) tears him down for his entire childhood. NO amount of pep talks from anybody else along the way is going to fix it. It NEEDS TO STOP! Somehow.
Tell this mom she has to get over herself and save her child. I know she's in pain also...and also an abuse victim. But she chose this ass to be her kids father and it wasa mistake. It is her obligation to rectify it immediately, before her child is beyond hope.
The piano playing boy is 9 years old, not at all a teenager.
PS...if somehow the child does happen to be gay...dad making ugly cracks about gay people is not going to change that, but will only serve to increase his shame and need to hide.
This is such a sad situation OP and I feel for you and those boys. The only concrete thing I can suggest is that if you stay in this job that as someone who is such a big part of the boy's life you may have some power to counteract the horrible messages from the father. Trying is all you can do. But if the little boy (both boys, really) can receive messages about how valuable they are, JUST as they are then it might help them keep some sense of self esteem intact. I think also the little boy needs to hear positive messages about homosexuality. Who knows if he is gay or not but considering the hateful messages he has been receiving, if he were he would be at extremely high risk for even worse problems with self esteem, self acceptance, self love, etc. than he would normally have growing up in this toxic environment. I am no expert but I believe this would even put him at a higher risk for suicide in his adolesense (sp??). He needs to be sent the message that there is nothing wrong with being gay, whether he is or is not but it too important to chance. At the very least both these boys are at risk of developing extremely intolerant views about other people and need to have these messages counteracted.
You are the voice of reason for this child. The very wings for his confidence to balance that father who is doubt. Your love is the glue that mends his broken little heart and you are the memory he will have when he thinks back and wonders how the hell he survived and turned out so well.
What to do? Stick it out as long as you can, because you are winning the war. You are an example to that kid, you are the one person who knows and won't let him believe it's all true.
:(
How stressful! But how lucky that boy is to have you.
The father is sick. He is obviously not comfortable with himself to be making comments and faces like that to his own son.
I feel for the poor kid. I've seen what happens to these kids when they grow older. They try to look for love and attention in all the wrong places and eventually they will end up doing something stupid that could possibly put their life in danger.
Talk to the boy about how his dad makes him feel. Tell the mom that dad is upsetting the kid. Suggest therapy for the family. Anything!
Just... be supportive of this kid. Be the person in his life who believes in him. That won't fix the world, but it will be something for him to hold on to.
To "Sorry to Hijack" -
Please refer your friend to the National Domestic Violence Hotline even if its not physical abuse. The phone number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)and the website is http://www.ndvh.org/.
The best thing you can do for your friend is staying in touch with her and support her as needed. She may push you away but stay with it. If and when she decides to leave, she'll have someone to go to. Good luck!
Lucia,
thank you so much for this information and your kindness. I will be contacting them.
This is tragic. I gasped a couple of times when reading. This is outright verbal and emotional abuse, typical bully behavior, picking on someone who can't fight back. That man needs a smackdown. Not sure if there's anything you can do except be there for the child and support him. I would also face the father when he makes a comment. Ask him "why would you say that?". Put him on the spot a couple of times and he just may back off.
10:20 AM
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