Received Wednesday, September 17, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
This is the first time I've posted here, I'm hoping to get some advice on my current situation. I do not have previous experience as a nanny, but I do have experience in daycare and summer camp child care, which I enjoyed very much! After leaving that job because of distance, I was working a retail job which I began to hate, and I realized I really wanted to get back into child care. So when an opportunity to babysit/nanny a former co-worker's 1st grader fell into my lap, I jumped for it! Perhaps a bit too high. I was far too eager to get out of something I hated, and into something I thought I would enjoy. So we didn't write up a contract, do any trial runs, or even have a formal meeting set up, as I already knew both parents through work. I definitely know now that this was an awful idea, and bad judgement on my part! I started within the next two weeks, as the child was arriving soon, which is why they needed childcare so quickly. Mom was going out of the country for an unknown amount of time and was leaving the child to live with dad and stepmom. Another red flag that I did not take notice of! I definitely wish I would have done much more research and found this page before I decided to lend such a generous hand to this family without thinking things through. I have been working for them for almost two months and it is getting harder and harder on me. The child has some issues, which were obvious to me within the first week. Still wetting her pants throughout the day, very emotionally attached and panics easily when an adult is not within a few feet, and I was surprised to hear that she was still using a car seat at her age and weight. These things worried me, and I am assuming they are a result of her unstable environment. The child seemed to be very "young" for her age, and of course all kids grow differently, but just from speaking with her, you can tell how very intelligent and bright she really is. This is why this behavior struck me as odd. When I am with her I encourage her to do things for herself as much as possible, because from what I am seeing, I get the feeling that probably all three of the parents do an awful lot for her, and don't encourage her to do things on her own. I don't have an education in early childhood education (YET!) so I'm going with my gut, but I don't think this child has a lot of self-esteem and faith that she CAN do things for herself. She needs reassurance for tasks that we both know she can do, and on a moment to moment basis. this worries me. Since I have been there she has gotten the hang of a two wheeler, is wetting her pants less, and the immediate "I can't do it, do it for me's" have turned into, "I may need some help's" instead. I hope I am doing the right thing for the child in this case. But I know that this is not a situation that I want to stay in. It is almost as if everything is a wrong fit. The child, the short notice scheduling, the late payments. The child does enjoy being around me, but I am not enjoying it and I can tell my happy face is wearing thin. Stepmom and Dad are kind and friendly to me, pay decently, and really like me, which makes it harder to just leave. Again, my fault, I know I have gotten myself into this. I now know what I need to do BEFORE a situation like this can occur. Now my concern is getting out. We do not have a contract written or spoken, as they aren't even sure when mom is coming back, so I have decided I should give a month's notice, which would hopefully be enough time to get me out and someone else in. I feel guilty that it didn't work out, but I have to do what's best for me fist and foremost. Here is my problem, I am not sure how to give my notice. Stepmom is very outgoing and it is usually hard for me to get a word in, as I am a fairly shy and quiet person to begin with. They are just so happy to have me, that I don't know how to say it's not working out for me, and that I am wishing to do a different style of childcare (I have realized through this that I love doing daycare, where there are many more children to interact with, but more structure. I hope to start my own one day!) Has anyone gotten sucked into a situation like this where initially you were looking to be helpful, but in the end it was not what you expected and you felt like you were in over your head? Any advice on how I can get my backbone to stand up straight and leave this situation on good terms? BTW, kudos to all of you good nannies out there. It is a much tougher job that anyone could imagine, and it takes a special kind of person. Thanks for your advice and thanks for reading.
14 comments:
OP, I'm sorry that you're not happy in your job. I really believe that what you have to do is be honest with your employers ASAP, even though it may be difficult. Tell them what you said to us, that you've realized that your strengths don't lie in caring for a single child. (I admire people who can do daycare work as I would lose my mind if I had to deal with 15+ toddlers instead of 1 or 2).
You aren't a "slave" (popular word on this site in recent days) and you should not force yourself to go on in a situation that isn't a good fit. Guilt is a natural emotion, but you have to work past it so that this family can find a nanny who will feel happy in the position.
Offer to stay on to help interview/train candidates. Make sure dad & stepmom know that (other than late payments, which is unacceptable) they are not causing you to leave. It will be difficult, leaving a job always is, but once you're back doing what you truly love you'll be so glad you did what you had to do.
Good luck!
Hi OP, I am a big fan of letter writing. If I have to terminate my job, I write a letter to my employer. It is easier for me to express my feelings in a clear and concise manner. Do not feel guilty for leaving. Being a nanny is just a job. Yes, I am very attatched to my charge, but if the time comes where I am not happy, and the situation cannot be reconciled, then I would have to give notice. It is just like any other job. Good luck and keep us posted!
OP, I am sorry that you are not happy with your job.
But it is OK to quit if you feel the situation is not right for you. I think most parents would rather have you quit than not feel happy around their child. The reason you give (going into a daycare setting) sounds perfectly acceptable to me. Being a nanny can be lonely. Good luck to you and don't let the parents guilt-trip you into staying.
Yes, you need to quit sooner than later when it will get harder to do so. There's really no easy way to quit a nanny job, since unlike any other job, it is an extremely personal field of work. You just have to stand strong and believe in yourself and that you are making the right decision for you.
I think a good angle might be to say that you have never been a nanny before and you didn't realize this is what it is like and you're missing the day care life and want to get back to it. Try to keep the personal stuff out of it. If you can leave on a good note, then that would be better.
Good luck.
Don't worry about being unhappy with your 'job' its apparent you were born to make an impact in the lives of children...so go with the flow and do what comes naturally to you...children love me, but I have never been a 'teacher' per se...you on the other hand have been blessed with that gift.
Tell them how you feel as soon as possible. Its best to do it in person, more professional anyway. its easier to write a letter and perhaps in your situation, with the stepmom being so outgoing, that might work out best for you.
Good luck in the future.
by the way, my first nanny job was without a contract, completely messy and stressful. I took it to get experience that I needed to get a better family to nanny for someday (which I have now) but you know whats best for you and if you like daycare then go for it!
I have a nanny and would absolutely want her to be honest with me if she felt it were the wrong job for her, give as much notice as she were able (a month would be great), and move on. I want the person caring for my children to be happy. Happy nanny = happy kids. I do not want to take advantage, underpay, overwork, or mistreat her in any way. All that would do is result in her being resentful and the people who would likely suffer are the kids. I agree OP that a work agreement/contract is crucial in any nanny position. I made the mistake of not having one when I first had a nanny and SO many vague and undefined issues came up later and caused minor (but still disruptive) waves. Now we put it all in writing and it's much better for everyone.
Give notice using your honest reasons (though I agree with not disparaging the child or parents as that won't help anyone), get a great reference, and good luck!
Awww OP, you sound so sweet. My advice is the same as everyone else's. Honesty is key. Easier said than done, but it's really the only way to confront the situation. Don't feel guilty either. It's just a bad fit.
I agree - you should not feel guilty at all. In fact, you should be feel good about the fact that you are looking out for the child's best interest - you are getting out because you know you can't provide the best care for her if your heart is not completely in it. A lot of people would stick it out for the paycheck or security of having a job. It will be hard to tell them, as it always is when you quit a job, but it probably won't be as bad as you think it will. Just do it fast so you can get it over with. You will feel so much better once you've told them. Good luck!
I agree with everyone else, you should not feel guilty. I think you need to sit down and tell them that you realized that being a nanny is not for you. Let them know you love their child, like them as employers etc, you just think you belong in a daycare. I think they will applaud you for you honesty. I do think that you should stick around to help train someone else, let that person know that the child needs to be taught to be independent because she has been baby'd etc. This will make the transistion easier for everyone.
Make sure to let the little girl know that it is not here at all!!
In regards to the car seat, children her age are normally at least in boosters and I do know one that just got out of a car seat, so I don't find that too odd. It is actually a safety thing and normally the child's doctor asks questions regarding the child's car seats or boosters, so I wouldn't worry about that too much. :)
Hi OP!
Everyones given you great advice here. I just wanted to give you some reassurance as well. I was in a surprisingly similar situation several months back, and leaving and going back into daycare was the best decision I could have made for myself. I am 10 times happier now. Follow your heart, and do what makes you happy!
One thing: about the car seat, car seats these days have more to do with weight and length than age. Many European car seats are even made to be used up to the average height and weight of 12 year olds! So a first grader, 6, 7 years old should be fine still using either a booster or a car seat for her size.
Take care,
Hey OP,
Now that you have read everyone's advice and we all support you leaving, I just hope you have the strength go through with it,
It's hard to leave, I know. But you aren't doing yourself or the family any good if you have regrets inside. Life is short. You will look back adn be glad you took action when you did.
Well OP?
What did you do?
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