Received Tuesday, September 16, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
My boss is super. She is a divorcee dating a guy about 8 years her junior. He has always been nice to me. I have always been nice to him, why wouldn't I be? I am a live in nanny and have three close nanny friends. One of my friends just moved here from Florida. She is what I would call a real head turner. She is not flirtatious or sexual at all. She is going to school to be a speech therapist and took a nanny job for this school year only. She lives about 15 minutes from me. She has been to the house about three times. This is much less than any of my other friends. She is also quiet and respectful, she doesn't get in your face and talk your ear off.
Here is the problem, my boss's boyfriend had asked about my friend after he met her the first time. This was just in passing. He said something like "she could be a model" and "you watch she is going to get discovered out here by Playboy". I politely said, "I don't think that is her thing". The next time he brought her up, he asked what town she lived in and who she worked for. I politely told him the name of the town but said I could not remember the name of the family she worked for. He ended the conversation with "try and find out, I know someone who would like to meet her".
I am not jealous of this friend. I am not interfering. She has been with the same guy for four years and they have plans to spend their life together. I just smiled and ended the conversation with this guy. Neither of these conversations took place with my boss in the room. The last conversation took place today, Sunday. I was returning from spending the day at her family's house-she lives in too and I ran into my employer, her boyfriend and the children in the back yard. My boss asked me if I had a good weekend and what I had done. I told her. This caught her boyfriend's attention right away. When my boss went inside to get a fruit salad, her boyfriend called me over with a whistling noise and asked me if I could get him some pictures of my friend. I politely said, "What" as if I were confused and then, "Noo". And I told them all to enjoy their night and walked in through my back entrance.
I can no longer dismiss this as a harmless interest in a pretty girl. Like I said, she is a head turner but having my boss's boyfriend salivate every time her name gets mentioned is beyond the pale. Do I have any pictures of her? What am I supposed to do with this situation? Besides the obvious which is I don't think I want this friend to come over to the place where I live and be subjected to his leering or put me or my boss in an uncomfortable position.
19 comments:
It's going to be uncomfortable whether you like it or not. The question is just, who is it going to be uncomfortable for--you alone, with the discomfort never-ending, or you AND your boss, and maybe it will stop? I would say tell her, not because of anything to do with a responsibility to due to their relationship, but solely because that behavior needs to stop. If you don't say something, you might end up resenting your boss and it sounds like you really like your job. Good luck!
this is very simple. Just tell him, "i don't know why you are so interested in everything about her. you have a great gal in (insert boss' name here), I would hate to think that you were thinking of starting up anything with my friend who is BTW, engaged. "Boss" would be so hurt to think that was on your mind".
Then, if he continues down this road, whenever he asks about this girl just say something like "Oh, 'boss' has all that info, why don't you ask her?"
Unless he is trying to hook her up with someone and wants to pass the picture on. Either way, creepy.
This guy sounds like a perfect sleaze ball. If he bothers you again I would play stupid in front of your boss:" So what was this picture of my friend you want me to get for you?"
Regardless of what your friend looks like, it is inappropriate for this guy to be harrassing you about her and especially to be asking for pictures of her. I would mention it to your boss. She has a right to know that he is scamming on other chicks. The fact that he is directly harrassing you regarding your friend makes it your business. If your boss is a good person like you say she is, she will not blame the messenger and she will get out of this relationship pronto.
I wouldnt mention this to your boss...if she loves this guy and she relays this story to him he will for sure makeup some story/excuse and she will believe him, not you. Ignore the guy..hopefully he does something on his own so your boss can see what a cad he really is.
socal nanny,
so it's ok for this nanny to have to put up with his annoying and inappropriate comments? I don't think so. At the very least she should tell her boss because she deserves to live and work in a non-threatening environment, and this guy is crossing the line. It's insulting and inappropriate for him to harrass her regarding her friend, even asking her for pictures of the friend in question.
OP, you should tell your boss for several reasons, not the least of which is that she needs to have a talk with him about leaving you the hell alone. We women put up with so much: why ignore improper behavior and just "hope" it will go away? Screw that. You deserve respect OP. Get it.
A sly way to handle it would be to write your friend's info down and then hand it to your boss when the BF is not around and say, with all the wide-eyed innocence you can muster
"So and so was asking for information on my friend because he knows someone who wants to meet her and I keep forgetting to give it to him so before I forget again, can you pass it on to him."
manhattan momma has the best idea here.
I don't think its really the nanny's place to directly accuse this guy of anything. For all we know it could be for his friend. (yeah right) but that way the OP doesn't have to get directly involved in the drama that goes on between sleazbag and boss.
Don't give out too much information about your friend to this guy. Its none of his business where she lives, what she does on her downtime etc. Nowadays, you never know. He may try and see where she lives. He could try and stalk/harass her, or even worse. I wouldn't put it past anyone.
I like gimmeabreak and manhattan mamma's advice about seeing if the mom even knows he is doing this.
It is creepy. I'm sorry you are put in this situation. He sounds like a perv. I would just continue to ignore him and hope that he lets it go. And you're right, I wouldn't invite the friend over often. Do you have a separate entrance?
Yes, OP, ericsmom is right, please don't give out too much information if you do decide to go that route.
I HAVE had something similar happen to me, and I would have kissed my friends feet if she would have been a little bit more 'considerate' of my feelings, and the consequences of giving my personal information out to a stranger.
About 2 years ago one of the guys my friend worked with continuously did very similar things regarding me (asked for photos, where I lived etc) Eventually she got sick of hearing from him, and gave out a TON of my information...long story short, I eventually had to file a restraining order, and I am no longer friends with her. It caused a lot of damage in my life, and my wedding (which was 7 months a way at the time was nearly called off due to all the turmoil!)
Your friend sounds like a good person, and a nice girl, please be careful, as it sounds to me like she does NOT want this attention.
Did you try and tell your bosses boyfriend that this girl is very taken, and will most likely marry the man she is currently with?
If he asks again, I would simply say something to the effect of: "I'm really sorry, but I spoke to my friend, and she's completely not interested. She is in an extremely serious long term relationship and would appreciate it if you would be considerate of that...she doesn't need help finding a date."
Some men really need it spelled out for them...don't be afraid to spell it out!
Also, one last thought, you might want to 'warn' your friend. I really hated being left in the dark, and I think if my friend had let me know I would have simply taken care of it myself.
call me stupid, but what is a cad??
I like these suggestions above.
I would not accuse him of anything. And I would not tell your boss, because there's really not enough information...and, as somebody said, he will just lie and you will end up being the one who looks bad.
Warn your friend and do not have her back to the house. Do not give out any of her information.
Instead, play dumb as to his intentions and do what the poster just above said. Next time he mentions her tell him that you asked her about meeting "his friend" and she says that she is planning to marry her boyfriend and is in no way interested in him helping her get dates. If he mentions her ever again after that, simply keep saying, every time, "I am going to respect her wishes and not interfere with her engagement. Please stop asking about her."
He does sound like a "cad" (womanizer, player, lowdown dirty dawwwwg), and your employer will figure this out on her own without any help from you whatsoever. This is a "shoot the messenger" disaster waiting to happen if you open your mouth. Her choice in men is not your responsibility.
I know this isn't always the case...but all but one of the times I have personally witnessed divorced women dating wayyy younger men...it always, coincidently I'm sure, happens that the woman has lots of divorcee dollars in her bank account...and the guy just happens to have a roving eye. The women pretend not to see, but I have to think they know on some level...
Wow, this sounds like a tough situation! Honestly, I don't know if I would mention it to the Mom. I agree with what some of the other posts are saying - that you should tell her, but I'm afraid you might piss her off. And I'm sure this creep of a boyfriend will lie about it when she confronts him, and my guess is she will believe him. I don't know, it sounds like a hard one. I would start my saying something to the creepy boyfriend. Next time he mentions her, tell him that she is with someone and would not be interested in meeting someone new. You might even tell him that you think it's inappropriate for him to be asking you for pictures of her. Just be nice about it but firm. He doesn't deserve the nice part, but you don't want to piss him off. Anyway, that is just my two cents.
Oh OP, yuck! Do NOT tell the mom. She does not need her nanny's help in managing her romantic relationships. He will lie, she'll resent you and you will be screwed.
I'd say first take the direct, polite but firm approach of telling him that she is engaged, and would not appreciate you giving out any personal info on her. If that doesn't work, play dumb and let the topic slip out right when the mom is there. Tell him, in front of the mom "oh yeah, so and so said it would be ok if I gave her your number, and she would call you".
AND warn your friend. Either of those approaches should work, I'd think, and this guy sounds like a sleaze who will soon find a new skirt to chase after anyway.
OP,
What did you do?
Has he asked about your friend again?
Did you do anything?
Did any of this advice help?
Update us, please.
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