Received Friday, September 19, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
Ok, I was a nanny for about two years for another family but never experienced anything like this. I started working for a very wealthy family in Westchester about a month ago. There are 3 children but my main concern in the smaller child that is three years old. The mother is a stay at home mom but is very involved in her children's activities. The 3 year old is very misbehaved, she is constantly biting, scratching and hitting me, her two other sisters and her mother as well. When the mother sees this behavior she doesnt really correct it. She will throw food across the food when I am feeding her, throws sippy cups at me andhas the most OUTRAGEOUS temper tantrums I have seen. I have noticed this behavior occurs when the mother is around or she knows she is in the house. When I first started the mother told me, that I was great and a huge value to their home.
Last week, she said to me "it's not a big deal but you put the wrong sheets on the girls bed", there is such a slight difference that it's ridiculous. Then she corrected me for putting the folded clothes on the dining room table because it has furiniture polish on it. She also was a little rude in telling me she doesn't want me taking the clean clothes out of the dryer and laying them on top of the dryer because there could be chemicals on the dryer from the detergent. She is constantly nit picking, that it is insane. I really do think she is a little crazy. Last week she sat me down and said I want this to work but I need you to be more focused and really know that you're trying to pitch in. I am constantly cleaning up affter the kids, straightening up, organizing their closets etc but nothing is good enough. After our convo things were ok, so I thought. This past Monday , the little girl was in her moms office and pounding the keyboard, when I looked at her computer screen I noticed she had emails that read "in Re to nanny postion". It is obvious that she is looking for someone else. Should I just quit or confront her on this? I really get anxiety when I walk into that house because I know how she is and it's drives me nuts.
40 comments:
I would tell her that things are not working for you and give notice. Quit before you are fired!
It sounds like she might be one of those people who are impossible to please. Since you are not that happy with the job and the kids are difficult, I would consider quitting, especially if you think she is looking for someone else. You also want to be able to use this woman as a reference since you have been there for 2 years, so you need to be careful. I wouldn't mention that you saw the email because she might think you were snooping, but I would definitely talk to her about your concerns and let her know that you feel like she is not that happy with your work anymore. See where the conversation goes, and if you get the feeling that she is really thinking of firing you, then you should quit. But, again, you want to use her as a reference, so be really nice about it. You might consider telling her that you really like the family, but maybe it’s just not a good fit anymore. Good luck!
I would look for a new job and confront her (since she is obviously going to fire you for an insane reason anyway).
Confront her and make her feel stupid. What a shady thing to do to your nanny!
There is no way in hell that this "mom" is going to give OP a reference. Who are you kidding? She has already confronted her numerous times about how 2nd rate her work is. OP - get out now while the gettin' is good! There is no pleasing this woman. Go find someone who will appreciate you - they're out there!
Best of luck to you!
Being a mothers helper is no fun. I am horrible at it. I learned this early on.I always make sure the families I work for know that I am looking for traditional nanny job and not a mothers helper position.
Too many hens in the hens house.
We all know children act differently when mom and dad are around.
I would look for a new job..JMO
As a nanny, I would never work for a SAHM. Who wants someone looking over their shoulder all day? This woman sounds impossible to please. I would keep your job for now, but try to find another position ASAP.
Since this job makes you miserable, I would leave too. You have only worked for them for a month, so I wouldn't worry about references from them. Try and get a letter of recommendation from the other family you worked for, since you were there for two years. Also, sign up with some agencies so you can get the ball rolling.
I too, would confront the mom on this. Let her know while her daughter was beating the hell out of the keyboard you happened to notice the emails. Tell her the truth that you are relieved to be leaving.
Or since she thinks she so sly you can always send her an email, saying you are quiting by such and such day. If she finds someone I think she will just let you go in a heartbeat anyway.
Yuck, I've worked for a mother like this. Their priorities are all mixed up. Yup, sounds like she's looking for someone else and is gonna 'back door' you. I would just quit and leave her high-and-dry. You haven't been there long so you can just leave it off your resume.
Sorry you found one of the crazy families out there!
Ugh I'm sorry you're in that situation that is all too common in the nanny world. I would quit if I were you. She's the kind of woman that is never happy with anything you do no matter how well you do it.
Yes, there seems absolutely no reason to keep working for this woman. Start looking ASAP and give notice when you've got a better opportunity.
Good luck!
I would just leave her high and dry, since thats what she seems to be planing to do to you.
Quit on the looney lady while you're ahead.
I don't think you should confront her on it, because after all her e-mails are private. I do think you should start looking for a new job ASAP, because you are obviously not happy, and there is a possibility that you might be fired. Were you at some point able to express how you felt about things? It did not seem like you had a two-way talk, which is too bad.
To be honest, some of the mom's peeves also happen to be mine (except for the clothers on top of the dryer, I did not get that), but I could definitely have made the same remark she made about the sheets. Also I know what it is like to have a difficult child and to be judged for it. From what you write it is clear that this family is not a good match for you. Time to move on.
so you admit your anal too?
Wow. Confront her about something you saw in her private email? I wouldn't do that. Like my two cents said, it definitely sounds like you and the family are not a good match. You sound like a good nanny (except for reading private emails) so you shouldn't have a problem.
I can relate very well! Last summer, I worked for a woman who was a SAHM and she was always looking over my shoulder and even though I tried my very best, it never was good enough for her. If she was in a bad mood, she took it out on me. She would gripe that I didn't cut the veggies in a certain shape...even as the child was sitting right next to her happily eating them! She was a major nitpicker and the job paid well so I tried to put up w/it. The final straw came when she paid me w/a check that didn't clear at the bank, then made me drive all the way back to her house to get my money! (A 30min drive)!! I wondered if she would be that forgiving of me if I had made that type of mistake...and I knew she would not.
I just left immediately after that. I felt bad for a few days, like I was a quitter and deflated all around, but realized it was HER, and not ME. I also realized I cannot work for SAHM's or parents who work from home.
Now I work for a family where the parents are not there, and it is such an easier job for me. Not great pay, but regardless a happier job.
I suggest you leave as soon as you can. She is obviously looking for someone else (Poor person)! so it might be best to call or send her a nice email (make sure you have your pay first) and just say you do not think you two are a good match. Let her know you wish her luck...just to keep it amicable.
Good Luck w/you and I know you really tried....just remember this person is obviously a Type A control freak....and she probably isn't happy w/herself either. In other words, the problem lies with her, not you.
Quit - it doesn't have to be a big confrontation; you can just say it isn't working working out.
This lady will never be happy with her nanny, ever.
How did you find the position in the first place? Was it through craigslist or a placement agency?
If you wanted to be really passive aggressive and ensure the mom knows you are aware that she's going to give you the ax, I vote (if possible) you respond to her ad. Most ads I have answered have been fairly vague and cryptic until the first contact is established. If you know the site she posted in and can get away with replying you should. It's horrible.. but I am SO passive aggressive. I am not proud of it but I have been for the 24 years I've been alive and while I have tried to get better, it's nothing that comes easy.
Just say something to the affect of you are currently in a position that you feel you need to get out of because the mom is hard to please and you fear you are going to be let go for something out of your control. Site some examples of the things the mom has harped on you for and send it on its way.
What's to lose? Clearly she is going to fire you... and it's only been a month of time that you can't account for as far as job history. If you nannied for a family for 2 years and they loved you, just use them as references again. You can just cross this month on your resume out. It isn't uncommon to have a lapse of time in jobs anyway, while you are trying to find something new.
Sorry you have to have a bitch for a boss. If she thinks it's okay to fire you over such small details such as CLEANING THEIR HOUSE FOR THEM then forget her. You're clearly qualified and don't deserve to be treated like that. The 3 year old sounds like a beast, too. I would be oh so over that after a day or two.
Good luck! Keep us updated as to what you do and the results.
Perhaps stop whining and leave??
Quit before you're fired.
Sometimes, things just don't work out. I'd quit asap if you can handle a gap in employment before finding a new job. Be the bigger person and give her 2 weeks notice.
I'd tell her that you were uncomfortable after the conversations about the laundry, and then when you stopped the 3yo from banging on the computer you saw the email. Then quit and walk out the door. If she's willing to drop you in a second for another applicant, then don't give her the benefit of the doubt. I guarantee you she's not planning to give you notice; she probably assumes you'd leave her in a lurch. Just get to it first.
I recommend you look for a 2nd job too, though, heh.
I would email her that you wouldnt be working for her any longer. Period. Of course line up another job first if possible. She is unhappy with you, she has no plans to help you out, she will be calling you some day or night and letting you go anyway. Having a month or two unaccounted for on a resume can be explained away. Its just not that big of deal.
OP like everyone else is saying, just leave now. If she asks why, tell her it's because her child has behavioral problems and that you don't feel appreciated by them.
start your job search immediately and do not say anything. definitley do not try to reason with a crazy person. register through reputable agencies that screen the families well. (someone did not screen this family well.)
next time please do not accept a job where the children are abusive either! i would love to show that kid what happens in the real world if you hit someone.
Thank you all for your advice. I am absolutely looking for another job. It is so sad, she was so pleasant today when she paid me that I would have idea what was going on had I not seen those emails. It really is very sad how two faced and deceitful some people can be. I just feel very bad quitting without any notice but I feel like maybe that will teach her a lesson. It's so funny b/c today her 8 year old daughter said to me, "my mom doesnt like you b/c she doesnt feel you're energentic enough", which is ridiculous b/c I am always taking the kids to the park, cleaning up, and looking for something to do b/c she is always around.. Good riddins to those people!
3:22 AM
RE-POST for OP
One more thing, I just don't understand, she is THe most pleasant person you would ever meet that it is so strange that she can be this way. She is always smiling, talking sweet to her children, waits on them hand and foot. How is this possible?!
3:25 AM
RE-POST for OP
Wait a minute OP! Did you say "those emails"? Were you looking around in her email account and spot more than one or did you really just glance it on the screen?
I think I smell a rat!
Again, I side with, "Justsaying" as I mentioned looking at private email. Sounds like you looked at more than one, which constitutes "Sneaking around". Period. Get another nanny job, and this time, mind your own business.
Whoa, nanny. I agree she is underhanded in posting for a new nanny without your knowledge, but that is her perogative as your employer. I still think that looking at private EMAILS (plural now, I see) is very sneaky and is just wrong. There are degrees of wrong, and if I thought someone working in my home was that sneaky, I'd be happy I was looking for another nanny. JMO.
Awwww, give OP a break.
I try very hard to be an honest person...but really, I can't say for sure I would have the willpower to turn and walk away from that screen, not knowing the extent of her intent to replace me.
Can you really say for 100% certain you wouldn't take a peek if it was you...and oyu happened upon the first one completely by accident. I think it would be so shocking that the temptation would definitely be there.
No I was not snopping or being a sneak, if anything she's the sneak for looking for someone behind my back and not giving me any notice that she is seeking other options. She could have told me, I don't think this is working, I am interviewing other nanny's so that I can move on as well, not leave me high and dry. I have found another job and will be sending her an email that I quit and to seek therapy.
5:34 PM
RE-POST for OP
Well what is really sad, is that if I didnt see those emails I would be out of a job b/c this lunatic doesnt know how to be open with her nanny. She is just as wrong for being a "sneak".
9:05 PM
RE-POST for OP
*If you write anymore comments, could you please use OP as your moniker? :)
Anonymous comments aren't allowed.
Please
I always look around my employers home. When I am bored, I go thru their mail. Look at their checkbook lying in the room. I look at their bills. How much is their mortgage, tax bill, etc. I snoop around in the closet. Looking at the beautiful purses. Etc, etc.
But that is all. I never ever would steal etc. I am just a curious person : )
Oh my...I'm laughing at "seek therapy". What kind of therapy? The kind where they tell you that it's b.a.d. to look at other people's emails? Hope so! Maybe you should let your new employers know that you have a little problem with personal boundaries and they should password protect their computers, eh?
I love how one person attacks and now everyone does LOL
You're a complete moron, did you not see where I posted that her child was pounding on the keyboard and I looked up at her screen and saw emails in the subject line stating :in Re to nanny position" How should her pc be password protected?? I didnt enter any password as it was right infront of my face!! What a moron! Read, read, read. I am in nursing school and cannot afford to be out of a job for even a week, so therefore I am glad I saw those emails. I have nothing further to say, bye bye =)
Sandy, please read more carefully. She said, "maybe you should let your NEW EMPLOYERS know that you have a little problem with personal boundaries and THEY should password protect their computers." Please tell me where you will be nursing so I can make sure to get my flu shot somewhere else. :)
I would answer her ad for the Nanny. Tellher you are working for a woman who is not quite playing with a full deck. Who nittpicks to make herself look useful and important. I would then let her let me go and get unemployement and look for another job ASAP.
I have always loved how women who have no time for their children can make time to make sure the right sheets are on their beds LOL
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