Friday

Nanny hurt by not receiving a parting gift

Received Friday, August 29, 2008. - Perspective & Opinion
I need some advice asap...I nannied for a lovely little girl for three years and over those years I became quite attached, and so did she. We did all sorts of wonderful things and I went above and beyond (spending quite a bit of my own money, but I didn't mind) what was expected of me. I nurtured her and loved her unconditionally. There were never any issues and/or difficulties (only three sick days in three years). My position ended recently, on good terms I might add (she was starting 'real' school, and I finally finished college). As a good-bye to the little girl that I nannied, I took her out for a wonderful day that was by no means cheap. Anyway, I thought things had ended just fine (I was even planning on taking her out occasionally and watching her when I could), but when I opened my pay envelope I discovered that I was not given a parting gift, not even a card (which I would have been fine with). I am hurt beyond words and feel like I was not appreciated. What should I do? Should I say something? Thank you in advance your your advice.

46 comments:

BLT said...

I can understand your feelings but if you say anything you will appear petty and silly.

Gifts are very nice but they are voluntary. Repeat after me, VOLUNTARY, not obligatory, VOLUNTARY.

If you accept this fact of life you will be a much happier camper in the long run.

Yaya said...

Maybe they'll realize it and mail you something?
Otherwise, it probably skipped their minds. I would mail them a thank you card reiterating how much you loved your job and thanking them for a great 3 years...then if you don't get something, eh-move on.

kc said...

Girl, I feel for you. This same thing happened to me. I made the parents a personalized calendar of funny and cute pictures of their precious little girl, and
(looong story short) they pretty much said "Thanks," didn't read my card at all, and shoved less than half the parting pay I was supposed to receive in my hand. I was so upset and hurt that I cried, and not just about the money.

I agree that BLT is right that gifts are voluntary, but I believe that cards, or at least some kind of heartfelt thanks, is mandatory, especially when you gave their little girl such a fun gift. But all you can do is forgive them and try to move on, and you will feel better soon.

Rebecca said...

If you say anything you'll just seem petty, and your friendly parting will turn sour. Just accept that some people aren't very good about things like this (my current boss, who is a really nice person, included) and let it go.

Gloria said...

The only employers I know who don't give parting gifts are the employers who lose the super nanny that they know they cannot live without. The failure to supply a parting gift and bonus is that employer's way of damaging her the same way the feel damaged without her.

And I suppose there are those out there far two poor to afford a nanny and simply don't understand how to treat a nanny. Etiquette is of course a measure of class.

Yes, you see I am equally aware of the shortcomings of many a mother and employer.

As I sit, surrounding me are objects made by my nanny and my children, my favorite plate rests on a nail hung by my nanny because I couldn't reach, her phone number is written in every drawer and on the phone, the mug that holds our pen collection was a gift from our nanny she found while antiquing one weekend and every object on my desk is aligned squarely, something my nanny does while talking on the phone. These are the things I see in front of me in this instant. What of the memories I have of this amazing person taking care of my children for the past three years? And if not for my memories of this person who lives alongside us as family and dedicated herself to her job as nanny, well what of the children's memories of her? Both of them? And my husband? He, too will take fond memories.

Sure I would hope I helped/am helping her to make some good memories, but how could I say thank you to her for our memories?

A parting gift would be the only suitable thing and this would be in addition to a jaw dropping cash bonus.

Yes, nanny you have every reason to feel hurt. You did not deserve to be disregarded in such a way and I certainly hope they will burn in hell for what they did to you.

Burn.

msWashington said...

Gloria you sound like a sweet employer. I like your post!

msWashington said...
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Sorry said...

Well not to sound harsh but you aren't promised a parting gift. If given it's nice but in no way should it be expected.

kc said...

Gloria... honey... people burn in hell for raping innocent children, initiating mass exterminations of a culture, and for not asking forgiveness for any of those things. Not for not giving their nanny a parting gift. Those last two lines of your post are really disturbing. I certainly hope you don't teach these things to your children.

amnesia said...

Gloria DID sound very sweet, until the end of her post, AND **BAM** what a surprise ending it was. LOL

I can't say I agree that your employers should burn in hell (for not giving you a gift, now that's some harsh punishment) but I can say, that I'm very sorry this happened, and I DO understand your hurt feelings, regardless of whether gifts are obligatory or optional.

Now, where to go from here?: I like the idea of "giving them a second chance" by sending a card thanking them one last time for all the wonderful years spent together. If you STILL don't get a card/heart felt letter/gift/or money in response, then just consider yourself lucky to be through working for them and move on, nothing good comes of dwelling on situations such as this or attempting to figure out the intentions behind what someone does or does not do.

How do your (former) employers handle Holidays typically, OP? Are they big gift givers? If so, I'd assume that this might have honestly been an accident (busy trying to get the little girl ready for primary school, preparing for a new schedule without your help-which I'm sure they've grown accustomed to having etc) sometimes when we are very busy, or overwhelmed, we overlook the simplest things (I think social norms usually go out the window first ha ha) and we can appear rude. Perhaps this is the case??? Send the card, and see what happens...if nothing else, at least it's a window into their "true colors", and the type of people they truly are.

Manhattan Nanny said...

What I got from your post is that you are finishing college and would be leaving the job in any event, so they don't owe you severance. In that case, a small gift would certainly be nice, but for me what really means the most is the card expressing appreciation. I am sorry you didn't get that. I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean they didn't appreciate you. I think maybe employers don't understand how much that means to us, and some just weren't brought up to do that sort of thing. I wouldn't say anything, but maybe call or send an e-mail and ask how they are doing.

Your job sounds like mine said...

I'll be leaving for college in a few months and I've been a nanny for the past 3 years. I too am close with the family and the little girl has become like a baby sister or niece. Your post sounds so much like my job that it makes me sad just to think about how your employers treated you.
You took care of their child and loved her like your own and for them to not even acknowledge that is just plain hurtful and disgusting.
If you say something to them you risk losing the friendship and the relationship with the child because of the parents.
They don't have any excuse for what they did, but maybe because they know that you'll still watch her sometimes they don't feel as if you are really leaving? Or maybe they couldn't face the fact that you really aren't working for them anymore.
They'll probably realize how much they miss you and although they didn't express it how they should have, they might express it in words.

Seriously? said...

I neither received nor EXPECTED a gift when I left my position and moved away. I loved my kids to death, and they and their parents loved me. It broke my heart to have to leave them. Years later, I still get photos and updates from the family, and they were all present for and participated in my wedding. THAT is what has been most important to me; continued friendship. Not some nonobligatory cash.

Gloria: Wow... Calm down a little...

I F ING HEAR YOU in the east said...

I too nannied for three years with the same family--- jsut to come in one morning and have some one else nannying the children. WTF EVER.

PS--- I didn't do anything worng. It was a scheduling issues. But the ) have EVER felt before. Hang in there OP. I know it is hurtful--- but take the love of that sweet baby with you- that indeed out weighs ANY amount of money or tangiable gift anyone could ever give you.

I F ING HEAR YOU in the east said...
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macaroniandcheese said...

it's funny reading this because i am also going to college and took care of a little girl for a year. when i left, they gave me a photo and dinner at a French restaurant. I really appreciated it. I took the little girl out to the zoo.

I think OP doesn't necessarily expect a gift but she did expect some form of appreciation.

Nanny J said...

i totally feel for you and have been through something similar! no christmas bonus or gift plus my pay was reduced because they left the country for almost a month.

some people are really nice but terribly thoughtless and clueless over these things. it probably never occured to them to get you anything. just like they probably never would have expected you to take the girl out for a fun day. it's still very hurtful though.

now that you have left them, there really isn't anything you can do to get money or a gift. if you need to get it out, you could copy an article on standards for how to treat a nanny and anonymously mail it to them.

but it wouldn't do you any financial good now.

Oh Please said...

hey seriously? at 1:26,

that's really nice that you didn't need the cash. i can tell you are pretty proud of yourself for being so above material goods. but really, most of us in this country know that money is a much-needed and accepted way to show appreciation.

by the way, i'm sure you told them not to bring you a wedding gift because their friendship was enough of a gift.

Juliana....nos EUA.. vida de nanny!! said...

I think I understand her. Is not the fact that they didn't give her any gift and just the fact they didn't give her a note thanking her for all those years, I don't understand parents, they just like the nannies because they need one and when its done, its done, when don't need you anymore they don't care and just fire you and good bye!!
that happined to me a lot as a nanny. the last job i was before this one, I worked for a year and also gave the little girl a lot of gifts and love and in the end they gave a card thanking me for everthing and i am still in touch with them, that family was the best that I worked for!! But not all families are the same!! Too bad!!

JerseyXJacqui said...

Hahah "BURN IN HELL. BURN."

How touching.

nanny T said...

I was once given a severance of 11$. I should have been given at least 50$ cause her friend also dropped off thier kid that day un expectidly with out asking me. i never got anything extra for that.

my last family i worked for though, i loved them and they loved me. i was let go unexpectedly when dad lost his job. they paid me for a extra day 100$ and when mom found out i had already left for the day, she called me to come back cause she had something for me. flowers and a card. it was so sweet. a week later i took them to the cruise terminal and i was paid 75$ for that. I didnt expect any of what i got

paperbagprincess said...

I don't think OP is upset about the money, she's hurt by the coldness. Who could blame her.

OP, some people don't do goodbyes well, period. Sometimes because its too emotional, and sometimes because they're just clueless about its significance for the other person involved. Don't take it as a reflection of their feelings for you because I'm sure it isn't one.

Aliana. said...

i got a 25 dollars gift certificate from target for my birthdate, not thing else, i bake a cake for the mother for her birthdate together with the kids, we made a nice card and got flowers, i got $25 dollars!!
it just shows, i have been looking for another position ever since!

Y. Know said...

No parting gift, okay...
but how about no parting gift, screwed on your severence, having your employer paid health insurance back canceled by 3 months so you start receiving bills from your doctor, having your employer stop payment on a check for the to IRS for previous years taxes (employer had previously paid), being slandered to anyone who would listen and being banned from ever seeing the children you helped raise since birth and having your previous employer contact people you began working for and beg them to fire you?? And All because some giant schnozzed man bitch saw the possibility of even more dollar signs without you?

What happened to you sucked, but it could be worse.

annoyednanny said...

Get over it. I am so sick of nannies on here complaining about how they spent so much of their own money on their charges. Don't do it! It's not necessary. You can be a wonderful, loving nanny without ever spending a dime on the kids. It's not about the money, just be there for the kids, teach them, have fun with them, care for them.

So you didn't get a parting gift. Suck it up. Life is tough and your whining about something so insignificant is frankly boring.

Anonymous said...
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op said...

I was not whining at all. If you know how to read you would have picked up on that.
I was just looking for some good advice... far from that bitchy comment of yours. Pull that stick out of your butt and the other one out your ears and zip it. The world doesn't need to hear from mean people like you.

10:54 PM

re-post for anon.

i know how you feel said...

Please ignore rude comments like that OP. Most everyone here knows where you are coming from. I am sorry you were hurt.

I reposted your comment for you because it was anonymous.

cali mom said...

Hmm. If I got a $25 gift card to Target from anyone for my birthday. I wouldn't be irate about it. Is a $1000 "gift" now considered obligatory?

OP, you asked for advice on what to do. annoyednanny's advice on WHAT TO DO was get over it. What else would any reasonable adult professional "do"? Call them and cry because your feelings were hurt? Tell them you think they are inconsiderate for not giving you a gift or a card? Stew over it for the rest of your life? Break into their house and steal something that costs whatever you think they should have given you? What "advice" did you think you would get?

OP said...

Constructive and thoughtful advice for a start...

cali mom said...

Well, if you are older than 8, it's pretty obvious that there is really nothing socially acceptable that can be "done" in a situation like this. Of course you wanted sympathy, but advice? Really?

lorenza said...

CaliMom sometimes people come here just to vent and/or to get another person's take on the situation, kinda like 'group therapy'. It would hurt
to leave most any job without some kind of good bye and good luck recognition especially after being at a job for some time. So, the OP has a valid reason to feel slighted but the bottom line is that we have no control over other people and have to accept that without allowing their actions to affect our well being. Experiences like these sometimes have lasting effects on our self esteem.

Good luck, OP and congratulations on that college degree!

mimi said...

Well said.
And saying things like, "if you are older than 8" is deliberately offensive and not necessary.

anonnomore said...

I think the idea of a parting gift was made up by nannies who want to drain that last dime out of their employers. Why can't you just leave knowing you did a great job and knowing that people like you, why does it have to be shown to you with money? If you worked for a company you would not get a gift for leaving unless you retired at a certain age.

Sympatheticnannywhohasbeenthere said...

cali mom:
Nice, kick someone when they're down. Leaving a nanny job where you have bonded with the children is very sad for most nannies. It can be hurtful if you don't receive any thanks from the family for all the love and care you have given their children.
OP, I hope some of the sympathy you have received on here helps.

blub said...

Actually, I've gotten something everytime I left a company.

As a nanny, you give more to your employers than normal employees.

I don't see anything wrong with employers showing some kind of appreciation to their nannies whether with money or a gift or something

annoyednanny said...

You are whining, OP. Boo-hoo, wah wah. I was most bothered by how you claimed to have spent so much money on your charges. I see a lot of nannies venting about that on this site. Um... stop! Jesus Christ, just stop spending your own money on these kids or families. Do you think that money is the only way to express your feelings? That shallow whininess is what bugged me about your first post.

And as someone said above me, what advice are you expecting to get? Oh you poor OP, want us to form a mob, knock on their door, and demand a handful of twenties for you? You need to get over yourself and shut the hell up.

NNJ said...

As a parting gift when my assignment was over was a awesome gift. The mother gave me a card with words of appreciation. Also, a photo album with the family in it. And me as well and the child, and all the things we did in the time I worked for them. Also, the neighbor had a little gathering at her house. The kids were all their and the kids from the neighborhood. They made me a homemade cake in a shape of an airplane. A going away cake.

It was really sweet, but I wasn't expecting anything. It was such a nice memory.

JerseyXJacqui said...

Once one person starts getting nasty, the mob mentality starts up and everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Leave OP alone. I don't think a parting gift is necessary and I probably wouldn't get upset if my employers didn't give me something, but I didn't get the sense that OP was whining. Why do you have to be so mean simply because you disagree? Get a grip. You guys sound like the whiny crybabies, not her.

Seriously? said...

Oh please:

Actually, I told them that their gift could be having the kids be in my wedding since it was all I really wanted from them, so that's what it was. But thanks for asking!

And there's a big difference between "need" and "want." Could I have used extra cash? Sure. Who couldn't? I didn't want or expect it, though, because getting a fat wad once the job was done wasn't what it was about for me. If it is for you or others, knock yourself out.

cali mom said...

Sorry, but saying that OP posted looking for SYMPATHY (not advice) is not being "nasty", it's stating a simple fact.

It's like posting saying that your boyfriend of 3 years broke up with you, and you are really hurt by it, so what can you "do"? Advice? Think about what were the good and bad aspects of the relationship, spend some time feeling sorry for yourself and wishing things were different, then move on. "Do"? What are you going to "do" about someone breaking off a relationship with you? Serioulsy, what sort of constructive course of action could you embark on to "do" something about it? Why is feeling hurt because someone didn't give you a parting giift any different?

I didn't say OP didn't deserve a bit of sympathy, but there is really nothing to "do" here, and no advice to be given, except to "get over it".

Lizzie said...

I'm sorry but thats completely arrogant of you to think that you deserve any gifts from them.

humble yourself and realize that they weren't obligated to get you anything. It sucks, but accept that fact.

Lizzie said...

P.S.

its also YOUR OWN CHOICE to spend money on this little girl. NOT THEIRS. I could see you getting mad if they had made you do that, but you WILLINGLY spent money on her.

I do that with my charges but I wouldn't hold it against my employers. Unless they had asked me to take them somewhere and then said they would reemberse me. but for presents and a bday event ...thats all you babe. Stop thinking you deserve more then a paycheck.

That sounds like I'm being mean, but really...its a job. You made it more and you can't expect the parents to give you presents, I'm sure they're still really sad that you're leaving despite the fact that they didn't give you anything extra.

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