Wednesday

The Nanny. her daughter & the wedding...

Received Wednesday, May 28, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
Our beloved Nanny/Housekeeper is planning her beautiful daughter's wedding. They just got engaged. My nanny is paid well but she is not wealthy, having put 2 children through college, one child still in and one child preparing to attend. I have known this girl since she was a child and she has always dreamed of a Cinderella style wedding. I would like to help her realize this dream.The problem: Her father is very old-world, old school and proud. My offer to help pay for the wedding was kindly rejected by my nanny and I accept that. However it breaks my heart to hear of difficulty they are having finding a place that is both beautiful and affordable. I was wondering if it would be out of line to offer my home for the reception. It's a lovely restored Victorian, suitable to host a large indoor or outdoor party. I have hosted formal parties here with the same number of attendees as they plan to invite. My grounds are well manicured, with a small bridge, pond and garden; perfect for taking wedding pictures. My chef can arrange the menu to the couple's specifications. So it wouldn't be viewed as charity, they can have my chef purchase the food and hire the wait staff and pay for it or reimburse me, which would be quite a bit less then even the most modest of catering halls. My best friend thinks offering this would be an insult to them, as they have already refused my help. My husband thinks we should offer financial help or this option to the couple directly, but I don't want to make her parents uncomfortable. Does the offer of my home seem tacky?

63 comments:

Marissa M. said...

You are being only kind and extremelly generous. I think the key to offering your house in a "non-offensive" manner is the way you could ask.

Do keep in mind that the house might not be her style and she might feel uncomfortable in her decline, if she felt it.

Maybe you can say something in the line of, "would a victorian setting like my house be against the theme of your wedding? because you know we'd be honored to have your wedding on our property if that's the look you are going for"

Thank you for being such a great employer :)

Marissa M. said...

Also If you have a ballpark of what the wedding cost, you could always give them a very generous check as a wedding gift/ credit card with money on it.

Anonymous said...

You're a blessed soul! It's great to hear that you're so willing to help your Nanny's family. This is what Nanny/Family relationship should be.

Back to your question:
Why don't you offer it as a wedding gift, your house or paying for a reception location (if you're financially able)?
Otherwise you can discreetly mail some money in cash or money order to the daughter at her home and type a message "Blessings for your wedding"?

As far as your home though, they might feel as though they'd worry something would be damaged by a drunken relative.

Have a sit down with the daughter and Fiance, explain to them how much you love her. And since's she's like your daughter you'd like to gift them with a special gift.

Sarah said...

Oh I like the idea of offering it as a wedding gift! You really should stress that this is the least you can do because you are so appreciative of all she does for you.

Wow.. kindness and generosity on this site, what is going on? :)

Anonymous said...

How about a "special bonus?"

Anonymous said...

What a generous offer! You mentioned you have known the bride-to-be since she was a child - could you bring it up to her, instead of your nanny? You might have better luck appealing to her than her parents.

Even if they reject your offer of hosting the reception at your house, you could still mention that you'd love to have them take pictures there, and quietly make arrangements with a photographer.

just anonymous said...

That sounds so nice. I would offer your house, it sounds wonderful. Thanks for giving employers a better name!

just anonymous said...

That sounds so nice. I would offer your house, it sounds wonderful. Thanks for giving employers a better name!

just anonymous said...

oops!

Anonymous said...

The best thing to do would have been to give her a nice bonus or a pay raise, emphasizing how wonderful she is (and not ever offering to pay for the wedding reception locations....)-- but since you've already brought up the issue, it would be good as a wedding present. That is generous of you... the thing is, people have pride, for some it would be considered tacky to have the reception in your mom's boss's house.

UmassSlytherin said...

You're being very kind: you sound like a really nice lady. If you want to offer, I don't think it would be tacky at all. But if it is refused, I wouldn't push any further, although your heart is in the right place.

Anonymous said...

Not that other people didn't mention this before me, but OP, you sound like a wonderful, warm employer. Thank you for being so kind!

Anonymous said...

It's a nice offer but even if you work at Disneyland you don't want your wedding there. It's still where her mother works.

Send her a generous gift, it'll go further.

Anonymous said...

I like to see a great post, and I just have to say I like marissa's idea and approach!
Good going, girl!

Anonymous said...

can you be my boss too?

you sound so kind. above and beyond. what a gem!

a generous wedding gift to the daughter would be appropriate. it may not be exactly what you want to give and she may not end up having her "cinderella" wedding. with all the various costs of newlyweds, the couple and your nanny will appreciate it

Anonymous said...

Wow, It's nice to read of an involved, caring employer.
We know you're out there we just don't usually hear it! Your nanny is lucky to work for you.
I think a generous donation as your wedding gift to the couple is perfectly acceptable.

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of helping financially (in some way) as a Wedding gift. My husband and I were both still in College when we got married, and struggling financially. Because we didn't want to take "charity" money, be viewed as "users", or drain any of our relatives financially, my dream Wedding (I too, wanted the "Cinderella Wedding") went out the window. Knowing that we didn't have enough money on our own to pay for much of anything, I began thinking of local parks, and "settling" as I reminded myself the Wedding wasn't what was important, but the life we were beginning together. Much to our surprise, his parents offered (as a Wedding gift) to pay for our dream location (a Castle built in the 1700's), my father who isn't as well off financially, paid for my dream wedding gown and accessories (as our wedding gift), and my husbands grandparents paid for our dream honeymoon in Hawaii as our Wedding gift! I have never felt so grateful or blessed in my entire life, and literally cried my eyes out with joy when everyone came forward with our gifts. Because these offers were our gift, and not given out of pity, or loaned, we felt we could graciously accept them. I can tell you our entire Wedding day (which was perfect) and our honeymoon (which was also perfect) we thought of all the people who helped us out, I have never felt so special or loved in my entire life. It's been two years now, and we are still young and struggling, but the memories of what we were given live on. We strive to someday be as financially stable as our relatives who helped us, and give to our future children the gift we were given.

OP, I think you are a wonderful person. This is the most special day of these two peoples lives, give them a gift they won't forget. Do some soul searching and decide what that gift is! I will say, no amount of money or gifts could ever have meant to me, what that one day did! And if you are that person to make this woman feel as I did on that day, than she is luckier than she even knows to have you in her life!

Anonymous said...

I wishs you were my boss. i had major major surgery and my boss did not even visit me. you are absolutely wonderful in spirit and i am sure in person and i hope your nanny knows this and appreciates it. most employers are not like you believe me

LindaLou said...

it can't hurt to offer.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful employer the OP is!

I think the offer is extraordinary, and not at all tacky or insulting.

How sweet!

FNG said...

You could also give gift certificates towards limo services and photographers if you know who she plans to use. Like holiday and Birthday gifts and such. Not sure how soon the wedding is.

I think you are super!

Anonymous said...

You're kindness made my day!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I bet OP is loving all of this horn tooting! Ha ha!

Anonymous said...

That is a really sweet offer, very kind of you, as everyone says. But be careful if you do go straight to the bride and groom - you don't want your nanny/housekeeper to feel like you went over her head about it.

mom said...

Wow, you do sound nice!

I agree with most people here, although, being as you know the parents are proud, and they have already declined one offer, I would be careful about "going over their heads" to the daughter. They may feel insulted. Or worse, the bride may want to accept your offer and her parents may not...which could cause a rift there...and eventually with you.

I love the idea of offering your house, either as a gift, or just because you love her so much that you just really want to do something.

But I also try to have great respect for people's pride.

I would aslo be very careful about offering up too much money or gift certificates at this point. (I would have thought those ideas were GREAT if you had not already had your first offer rejected due to pride.) Daddy may want his daughter to be happy with the wedding HE is able to provide for his baby girl, and may secretly hope she is not wishing for more than he can give her. (That may make him feel like a failure...if the parts of her wedding that are the most special are the ones he couldn't give her himself. Can you see what I mean by that?) They are proud, not stupid. They will recognize the "disguised charity" of certificates or excessive pre wedding monetary gifts...which is how they will probably view it.

Offer the house. Maybe give them the option of chosing their own caterer or hiring your chef...just to make sure the wedding still feels like "their" party to give to their daughter. After all, a wedding is ultimately about a whole lot more than a fabulous party.

Anonymous said...

Do what you can to make the daughter's wedding the best, ignore the Father's idiotic pride. How absurd to stand between a loved one's dream over pride. The Father's pride shouldn't stand in between the daughter's dream wedding over stupid pride! Ughh MEN! The Father should be appreciative that someone cares so dearly for his daughter! It isn't charity by any means it's called LOVE

Jane Doe said...

You need only hit "Publish Your Comment" one time for your comment to be published.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jane! We love you!

mom said...

I disagree. I don't believe a wedding entitles a bride to make her parents feel inadequate for their financial situation, or to cripple them financially or put them into debt.
I think weddings have gotten WAY out of hand and a lot of brides start to feel entitled. (Not that the bride mentioned here is anything like that. There is nothing at all to indicate that she is anything but a lovely girl..who may actually respect and want to honor her parents.)

You know, two people who are mature enough to get married and start a life ought to be completely able to take out a loan for themselves and throw a wedding of any size they choose if they absolutely MUST have something more elaborate than her parents can, or are willing to, provide.

BTW I had a lovely wedding. My father had enough money, and offered it up, to have anything and everything I could have wanted at my wedding. I chose to be respectful of him by spending moderately instead of taking advantage. In turn, he insisted that I get my dress at Neiman Marcus (and he even went along to help me choose my dress...and a lot of other things as well) so that I would be "treated like a princess" at every fitting. Certain things he insisted that I spend more on, and certain things I insited that we do a little more moderately. In the end it was a great collaboration and an experience that brought us even closer than we were before. That's what I think ought to come from a wedding.

My sister was snotty about hers...always complaining that she needed more money and trying to push for more and more. (Knowing that she was the type to take full advantage, he gave her a budget...which was exactly double the cost of my wedding, to account for the fact that it was 7 years later and so that she would not be forced to be moderate anywhere.) A lovely bonding experience for them? Not so much.

UmassSlytherin said...

Mom,
Thank god someone said that, because I couldn't agree more!!!!

My husband and I paid for our own wedding: it was small, about 75 guests, and including the reception, church fees, dress, flowers, EVERYTHING we spent just under 3000.00. I made all the invitations, center pieces, place cards and favors myself. We opted for a brunch instead of dinner, it was cheaper. We were blessed that a family member was a professional dj, and also my brothers chipped in so that we had a limo as their wedding gift.
It was a very nice wedding. And I was proud of it.
You are so right about weddings getting out of hand. If a bride is that adament about having a "cinderella wedding" (whatever that is!!) she can damn well pay for it.
I don't agree that "pride" is a silly thing at all. It should be respected: bride's dad is not "idiotic" for not wanting to accept charity: perhaps he believes that the important thing about a marriage is the MARRIAGE and not the wedding.

that being said, again: OP sounds very very very nice: me personally? I would have JUMPED at the chance to have my wedding at a nice house with an obviously lovely kind employer. kudos, OP!

and thanks Mom!!! I like you more and more each day!

word.

Anonymous said...

O.k., what does "word" mean? That you have finished your thought, and have nothing else to add?

mom said...

Well, thank you Umassslytherin!

(BTW I had to ask my kids what "word" means too...hehehee...and they told me it means you agree with what was said.)

I also had a convo with my daughter about your screen name last night, since I told her I had found a Potter fan on ISYN. She likes the name, but said she doesn't know anything about "umass" and is planning to look it up. (Unless you care to offer some insight.)

Sprak,
She also asked me to ask you if you are Norwegian, because she says Sprak means library in Norwegian.

My son loves the name MaryPoppin Pills.

UmassSlytherin said...

Mom,
UMass=University of Massachusetts
(alum here!)
Go Minutemen!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

You sound so generous and your heart sounds like it is in the right place...but I would tread carefully. You could offer the use of your home, but I would offer it to the mother, and if the answer is no, take it gracefully. Give a generous wedding gift, but don't show up their own families. Her father probably looked down at her when she was a baby and daydreamed about his little girl's wedding, and it may mean a great deal to him and to his wife that they be able to pay for it themselves. That's not foolish pride, it's the hopes and dreams of another family that is not your own, even though you obviously feel a great deal of affection for them. It will be a wonderful wedding, I'm sure.

mom said...

Here's one thing about my wedding that I didn't say before. My evil EX-stepmonster...always the greedy B, and living in constant fear of any penny my dad spent on my sister and me, tried to manipulate him into spending almost nothing on my wedding by telling him (when he asked for her how much weddings generally cost and expressed to her that he wanted mine to be lavish) that a really great wedding (for 200 guests) could be given for $1000.00! When I gently explained to him that the yacht club he had joined specifically for the purpose of having my wedding there (and that was his choice) would not even let us through the door for that amount he realized what she had tried to do and was completely PISSED at her. Money was really no object for him (but what do men know about having a wedding...especially for the first daughter?)...but he was, by that point getting REALLY tired of her golddigging ways...especially where it pertained to her trying to cut my sister and me out at every possible turn. When he told her that we were having a nice wedding, and she saw how much it cost (although, as I said, I was exceedingly considerate in what I chose...except where he insisted that we go extravagant)she completely boycotted the wedding. Fine by me. It was actually the best gift she could have given me anyway.

marypoppin'pills said...

Mom
I'm glad your Dad gave you such a beautiful wedding. Sometimes the 'Stepmom' has more power over the Dad than we'd like them to have, but they are in love and we just have to sit back and let Dad find out on his own how she really is.
Are they still married?
(One of my closest friends is going through the same thing right now, and boy, do I feel bad for her! She's worried about the woman taking advantage of her Dad. This one's bleeding him dry, but I think he's blinded by her beauty. She's also 12 yrs. younger than him.)

P.S.
Tell your son I said Thanks! ☺

Marissa M. said...

I am so lucky. I have the best in laws ever. Talk about amazing people- I lucked out for sure.

mom said...

MaryPP,
Thank goodness my dad is no longer with the greedy B. And now that she has long since run out of the hoardes of money she got from him in the divorce (OMG what a nightmare...she had lawyers trace trace every penny going back years before their wedding to make sure she got her hands on "her share" of every penny he earned during their marriage) she calls from time to time...but he has no time for her. Thankfully, my dad is the rare man among divorced dads. He never let a woman come between him and his daughters...and beliebve me, new wives often want to quickly dispense with the "past entanglements." (Sadly most men allow them to drive the past children away, so a lot of women come in with the expectation that this is what will happen.) And my dad always gave above and beyond what was required of him for our support (but he had to lie about it to the stepwitch because, God forbid he should be a decent human being towards anybody but her or her daughters). She even had the nerve to send me a letter once I started college saying that it was time for me to "remove myself from my fathers life", as I was now an "adult" and it was "time." This, she reasoned, would make it easier for him to commit himself fully to his new family and for me to learn to love another man. (Because, yeah, I was planning to love my eventual husband in the SAME way I love my dad? And surely no normal woman loves her dad AND her husband at the same time! What kind of weird assed family did she grow up in, I wondered?!)Anyway, to spare you all the details, he opted to dispense with her instead. Yeah, he lost a lot of money...but he's remarried...and he refused to do it without a prenup this time...which she refused to sign up until the day of the wedding, at the 11th hour, when she realized that he was dead serious about being willing to walk into the church and send all the guests home without a wedding.
Later, because he now has me help him keep track of his financial matters (once burned twice shy, and I have worked as a bookkeeper in the past) I found that she had taken measures to invalidate the prenup (by secretly cancelling some insurance policies that were part of him holding up his end of the prenup.) I told him and he went to great measures to reinstate the policies. She has also been caught doing other small underhanded things with his money. When discovered, we just document them, notarize the written statements, and stick them in the safe deposit box "just in case" and rest a little easier. I also have a notarized statement from him in the box confirming what his will says, and that he wants his estate distributed exactly as stated in the will...and that any contestors of the will are to be left high and dry. Of course, this all depends on the man being willing to face facts and realize what second and third wives (not all, but enough) do to wealthy men.

Good luck to your friend! Maybe she can gently get her dad to see the truth if he has got a golddigger hanging from his neck. he may still want to keep her...but he may be willing to take necessary measures to protect himself as well.

The worst one I heard about happened to a friend of mine. Her dad married a much younger bimbo (obvious golddigger.) Their prenup called for them to be married three years before her very generous payout in th event of divorce owudl become effective. In exactly three years, as we all saw coming even beofre the wedding, she left him for the lover she had had before the wedding and had been with for the entire three years as well. They had planned the whle thing together to get money for their future together. THANKFULLY, that is coinsidered FRAUD and she didn't end up with a penny...although it cost a fortune in legal bills to keep her from getting it.

mpp said...

Mom
Better for it to go to a Lawyer than some greedy conniving witch, right? ☺

mom said...

Yes, I believe that was the thought process. Plus, she was slated to get something like three million...and that was far more than they paid in attorney fees. I would think it would really stick in the craw to watch somebody living like a queen, with her lazy assed boyfriend, on money they had scammed out of him. At least the lawyer worked for what he got paid.

Anonymous said...

Mom--sounds like your Dad is a bad judge of character. Why is he still married to number 2? Aren't there any honest hard working women comfortable with what they can bring to a marriage he can meet? Sad. I find women like your stepmoms an embarrassment to the gender.

Anonymous said...

You sound full of yourself. I bet you'll sound that way when you offer your 'chef' and 'grounds' and 'lovely restored Victorian', too.

mpp said...

Ah, There always has to be one party pooper!

mom said...

5:33
Number two is, by comparison, not so bad. And who wants to get divorced so many times?
Plus, at least he marries them within his own age range and so does not look the fool. But yes, it is a mystery to all of us why such a fine man chooses women the way he does.
But then again, as with men...the good ladies are typically already taken...and snapped up immediately should they "come onto the market" at any point. A great love is harder to find as you get older, I think...and I think peple are just more willing to settle after a certain age...especially after having little success after a couple of attempts.

I'd even rather he be with her than alone and that is definitely worth something.

mpp said...

Hmmmm. Well, I hope she makes him happy in every other way, Mom. ☺

Anonymous said...

OP here.
After reading all the terrific advice, I've decided to make a special birthday bonus to my nanny. They also loved the idea of taking some pictures in and around the grounds of my home.
The father can pay for his daughters wedding on the scale he can afford and we have all happily agreed no one can stop me from providing the happy couple with their dream honeymoon as a gift!

UmassSlytherin said...

OMG.
Best.
Employer.
Ever.

:O

:)

Anonymous said...

OP
So, they're not having the wedding at your place? (You didn't specify, you just said that dad would give the Wedding he could afford)
Will they just be taking pictures at your home?


I'm kind of confused.
Is the Wedding pictures her birthday bonus? Because it seems to me the Honeymoon would be a Wedding present.

Please clarify. Your post is just a bit muddled, sorry.

Anonymous said...

No Problem.

I am going to be giving my nanny a birthday bonus.

The father of the bride is paying for the wedding at a venue they can afford. As it will likely be a rented hall, the wedding party will be coming to my home for wine and cheese in between the wedding and reception and also to take pictures.

As a wedding gift, my husband and I are going to pay the air and hotel for their honeymoon.

Everyone is happy now.

UmassSlytherin said...

I'm not happy....where's my vacation????

:) j/k

sounds lovely! good job, OP! :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks OP. So birthday bonus is just that - a birthday bonus, lol.

O.k. :)

mom said...

That sounds wonderful. Only, don't keep the bridal party at your house too long while the guests wait at the reception, because the reception and the eating can't officially start until they arrive.
I once went to a wedding where the reception was at a park away from the church. All the wedding guests went to the park and waited for the happy couple to arrive. Naturally there is some delay for the taking of the wedding party photos after the wedding. No big deal. But there was no food available for the guests and no entertainment. So...and hour an a half into the hot stint at the park, people are getting restless...and some want to go home, but feel too rude leaving before the bride and groom even arrive...which we all believe must be "any minute now" (we have thought that for over an hour.) Finally a couple of guests go ahead and leave. Eventually somebody gets the nerve to ask the mother of the groom what is taking the bride and groom so long. She informs us that they have rented the limousine for a certain number of hours and want to maximize the time they have paid for by enjoying a leisurely limousine ride until the time they have paid for runs out...at which time they plan to be dropped off at the reception, Meanwhile, no food is to be served before their arrival. I don't know how much later they actually arrived, because we waited a little while longer and then left. As we left, guests were streaming into the parking lot to leave as well. (Maybe they planned it this way to save on food costs?)

Anonymous said...

How awful, Ma!!

mimi said...

our wedding cost us 56,000.00 which was 6,000 over what we had budgeted for my mom offered to loan us the 6,000 so that we didn't have to take out any loans...we were so grateful. Any little bit helps OP. Follow your heart and I really like the idea of a cash wedding present to help with the bills afterward.

Anonymous said...

Holy crapoli Mimi. No wonder you are so pissed off about haveing to pay taxes and take time off to get surgery.

Anonymous said...

They have diplomatically turned down your offer of financial help. Back off, it is not your role to 'save the day'. This is a woman's wedding, she would probably prefer to make it her own rather than your showy 'charity'. You are her mother's boss, not her friend. Back off, this is not your business nor your 'problem'

UmassSlytherin said...

Great Salazar, Mimi!!!! Do you realize how many Harry Potter action figures that would buy?????????

What a waste!! :(

Anonymous said...

Omg! Harry Potter action figures?
I would hope maybe the excess could've gone to feed starving children? LOL

mom said...

Spoken like a person whose hall closet is NOT stuffed to the brim with several years worth of outgrown Harry Potter costumes and memorabilia...and whose Christmas tree is NOT laden with plastic Harry Potter ornaments hanging proudly amongst the plastic baby Jesuses in a manger, and paper plates with handprints on them. Who is such a person? I can hardly even imagine!

UmassSlytherin said...

Mom,
please adopt me.
:)

mpp said...

Awwww! I feel like I'm intruding ... how sweet!

mom said...

Ahhh umassslytherin,
You might try me in about five years when I'm an empty nester. Somebody in the midst of raising a pack of teenagers is unlikely to want to take on additions to the litter...let alone even remember most days why she wanted children in the first place!
Just kidding...well partly...I love my kids to death...and they are overall pretty great kids...but even the best of teenagers tend to keep us tired hopping!

UmassSlytherin said...

I know, mom. My child and husband may miss me anyway. :)
Hehehe! :)