Monday

Mother's Day for Nanny?

Received Monday, May 12, 2008 - Perspective & Opinion
My nanny asked me this morning if we thought she did a good job with our two children. I replied, "yes, of course". She then asked what I thought she should improve on. I said to her, "M, you are doing a wonderful job, why do you ask?". She said, "Historically, my bosses have always recognized me on Mother's Day and Mother's Day has come and went without you acknowledging me at all".

I was dumbfounded. She does a wonderful job and I do look for ways to show appreciation every few months or so, but Mother's Day? I cannot be the only nanny employer who doesn't fete my nanny for Mother's Day?

88 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think she deserves a prize for having balls, that's all I can say. Whoever heard of tipping a nanny on Mother's Day?? My gosh.
(signed, a working mom with no nanny)

TX nanny soon to be mommy said...

Eww how tacky!! I'm sorry but Mother's day is for Mothers, step moms and grndmas but not caregivers. Here the nanny agencies have nanny appreciation day usually in September or November. I think it would be fine to aknowledge her on her birthday but Mother's day is your day.

Anonymous said...

I have worked for 2 families over the last 7 years and both have always had a card and small gift for me on mothers day..I guess that I am lucky to work for women who are not in anyway threatened by the fact that when they are not able to mother their childre..I am.In fact one of my cards once read..and I quote" thank you for being a second mommy to my children"! They love me and I love them...the gift and card exchange is always mutual and I always make sure the kids handmake a card or craft for mom!

Of course you should recognize your nanny on mothers day.

Anonymous said...

Just out of curiosity I grabbed my Merriam-Webster thesaurus and looked up Nanny:
Here is what it said: mama, mammy, momma,mine,memo, mania
looks like nanny deserves a Mothers Day card at the very least.

Hellcat said...

If you have a nanny (obviously for more than just a few hours a day, or the odd day,) they are probably more of a mother to your children than you are. That said, they deserve at least a card.

On second thought, what mother wants to admit that to herself? -shrug-

Anonymous said...

You are lucky to have worked for such nice families, I've been with the same family for 12 years and spend more time with the kids than the parents who both work very long hours. Every Mother's Day I help the kids make cards/presents for the mom but have never received anything back...not even a "thankyou for all you do". I guess I would probably feel a little weird anyway seeing as I'm not actually the mom, I'm the nanny, but still it's nice to feel appreciated sometimes!

mimi said...

As a nanny...ALL of my families gave me a card and small gift on mother's day. Now as an in home daycare provider I still had a few families bring me a gift and a card. Try not to feel bad mommies but it's time to face the facts that caregivers and nannies ARE second mom's in your children's eyes.

TX Nanny soon to be mommy said...

I was a nanny for 12 years and I worked for wonderful families and never got anything on Mother's Day and never thought twice about it, but I was recognized on other days so I guess that's why it didn't bother me. I loved helping the kids make things for Mom because I worked for wonderful Mothers who deserved to have the one day be about them.

Anonymous said...

I am a nanny, and I always give the mother of my charges a nice card on Mother's Day, and the kid's and I make a gift for her as well.
Though I have never received anything for Mother's Day, nor would I expect to, I do sometimes feel a little "jealous" of this holiday. I can see where your nanny is coming from. Don't get me wrong, I feel Mother's Day is an incredibly important holiday, and that it should be about the MOTHERS'.... but what about those of us who do the job of a mother? I know every household is different, but I am esentially the primary care giver of the children I watch, and it would be nice to get a "thanks for all you do" on a day like this.

I do have to say though, your nanny is pretty gutsy for bringing that up. I have never met a nanny who was acknowledged on Mother's Day. My boss lets me know she appreciates me in many other ways, and I would never think of saying something like that to her.

Kate in PA said...

I'm a professional nanny and I can't believe these comments! Never once have I gotten something for Mother's Day, nor have I ever thought I should. In fact, it hadn't crossed my mind at all! For those employers out there who do acknowledge their caregivers for Mother's Day, good for you. An appreciated nanny is (usually) a happy nanny. But a nanny is not the mother and should not expect something for Mother's Day. Perhaps she just needs to hear your appreciation a little more often than every few months. Maybe a weekly feedback session or even grab a coffee every other week to discuss her performance?

Chicago Nanny said...

After reading this the first thought that jumped into my mind was "are you serious?!" I'm a nanny and have been with my family for 5 years and before that I worked for a family for 3 years. I love both of these families dearly and have awesome relationships but think that mothers day is just that, a day for the mom. Yes I do realize that I may be spending more time with their kids than the moms actually are BUT I don't think I would feel at all comfortable if I was given something/recognized on mothers day. I always make sure that we have a fun creative gift ready to go that dad and the kids can give mom on Sunday morning and we spend time making cards and other little surprises and I usually either get a thank you phone call or a card telling me how much she enjoyed her day. That's perfect for me, after all it is her day to be celebrated!

"my family" shows their appreciation and love for me on my birthday and at random other times throughout the year which is great since I know so many nannies who don't even get a thank you.

anyway, my two cents but as a nanny for 8+ years I would feel very strange if my family honored me on mothers day.

Rebecca said...

While I think it's great when my employers show me that they appreciate me, I've never heard of a nanny being recognized specifically for Mother's Day. Nannies, it's nice that you feel like second moms to the kids you care for, but we are PAID TO DO THIS. We are not their mothers, and there's just no basis at all for being recognized on Mother's Day. If the employers do it that's nice of them, but I have no idea why a nanny would get offended if they didn't. I'd expect something on Administrative Professionals' Day (although I don't expect anything then) before I'd expect anything on Mother's Day.

Princes Raja said...

Wow the thought never occurred to me that I would get something for mother's day from my boss. I helped her daughter make a candle and a card and was thanked for being so creative and thoughtful but that was it. I would never expect to receive ANYTHING for mother's day because I am not her mother.

She shows her appreciation for me in other ways so I don't feel the need to be acknowledged on HER day.

Anonymous said...

I agree completely with Rebecca. As much as I loved my charge and treated her as my own, I never would have expected any kind of recognition on Mother's Day because I was NOT her mother. I was there to do a job, even if it was in a mothering role.

Anonymous said...

I have worked as a nanny in the past and I never received anything from the people I worked for on Mother's Day. I certainly didn't expect it. However, as a working mother, I do now have one of the greatest caregivers you could imagine taking care of my child. For me, it seemed like the right thing to do to get her something for the sort of attention and love she provides him. I think what the person above said does ring true. Some mothers are threatened by their nannies. In all honesty, she does every thing I do for him. Yes, she is paid but anyone who provides childcare services is paid. She goes above and beyond. It's no skin of my nose to celebrate her contribution to my child's life.

Westchester nanny said...

The last family I worked for did give me small gifts from the kids on Mother's Day because their mom felt I was "like a mother" to them, which I was. I watched and loved them as if they were my own children. I, however did not expect this and was surprised the first year (I was there 9 years) it happened. I think this is up to the parents. I believe it's tacky on any occasion to ask why someone did not give you a gift.

Anonymous said...

I have never received anything on Mother's Day, nor would I expect to. I help the children make things, and remind the dad to get something. It should be all about mom. I do know nannies who have children of their own who sometimes receive cards or flowers from their employers, because they are also moms.
A Nanny

undercover regular said...

I definately see two sides here, and to each their own.

Should OP's nanny have 'asked' for recognition? Hell's no! Way out of line, improper, rude ... and any other negative adjective I couldn't think of.

But I absolutely believe there are some families that choose to show their love for their nanny on Mother's Day ... and I think it is really sweet. Kudos to those Moms!

Shannon said...

I worked for one family where I definitely spent more time with the boys than mom did. The day before Mother's day, the younger boys baseball coach gave all the boys flowers for their moms and then walked over and handed me one too and thanked me for always being there for the boy. I also did receive a small gift and card that year. Otherwise I have never gotten a gift on Mother's day and have never expected to.

Anonymous said...

Not for the nanny. If she wants to celebrate Mother's Day she should have a child!

anon home daycare lady said...

I was once a nanny and not a mom and did not recieve a mother's day gift, nor did I expect to. I now run a home daycare and of course bought gifts for my charges' mothers and had the children make a card to go with it. I am now a mother as well (my daughter is my charges' playmate) and I got nothing from them, nor did I expect it. I agree with the above poster who said "nanny has balls!" I mean, gosh: I would never ever have said that to my employer! And now that I am the boss and have clients, I certainly would never say that to them! Gifts are given if people want to give them, regardless of the reason. I think it is really tacky to tell someone that they should have given you a gift.
Gosh, these stories are funny!

just anonymous said...

A little beside the point, but I have a question: Why is it that so many of us nannies spend our own money and thoughtful time having the children create a meaningful present for the mother's on Mother's Day (ie: stepping stones, poems, pictures, etc) and the moms seem to have a hard time barely saying thank you? Should we not even bother?

Anonymous said...

I think MOthers day is for the Mothers. If you want to take the time during the year and do something special for the nanny for all her loving care of your children do so. I too think the Nanny has a set of Iron Balls and they clang too for asking why she got nothing for mtohers day. This day is for the MOthers. Granted they spend more time with the kids then Mom does and they are also getting paid very well for doing this. I know that being a nanny is a special job so that is why their should be a "Nanny day" .

Anonymous said...

I've given my nanny gifts nice gifts (and bonuses) for Christmas and her birthday, a necklce on Valentine's Day, a gift certificate on her anniversary, a goofy card on Thanksgiving and a basket on Easter, but it never would occur to me to give her a gift for Mother's Day, nor do I think she would ever expect, let alone demand on. Your nanny has some nerve.

Anonymous said...

At the church I go to there is a blessing for the mothers on mother's day. The priest asks mothers, stepmoms, teachers, and caregivers to step up for the blessing. I worked in a group home for adolescents and didn't stand up and was told my friends and family there that I should have as I was working in place of the mothers. You can be a mother to someone without being blood.

That being said, I wouldn't have ASKED anyone for any recognition.

My husband did surprise me last year though w/ a mother's day card from my cat and dog! Those are going to be our babies for a long time.

ImaNanny said...

I am a professional nanny and am recognized on my birthday and Christmas. I don't expect nor get anything but a Happy Mother's Day from my employer and I wish her the same as we are both mother's. Your nanny has quite pair. How does she put her pants on in the morning?

nyc mom said...

I also do not give my nanny a gift or card for Mother's Day. We give gifts from the kids and money from us for her birthday and Christmas. I generally do not give gifts for all the other little holidays either. My nanny has kids of her own and I would feel awkward having my children recognize her as "Mom." I would feel it was presumptive of me to assume her relationship with my children was like that with her own. She is a wonderful, hard-working, kind, professional nanny. We treat each other with respect and courtesy, but I find it works better for both of us if we maintain a sense of professionalism in our relationship. This question reminds me of one from a few days ago that raised the question of treating your nanny like family. It seems the answer to that question (as to this one) was that some families do this and others do not - both successfully. If anything I think this post is informative to both nannies and employers. It shows nannies that many employers do not give a gift for Mother's Day and it is in no way reflective of our regard for our nanny, just a personal interpretation of the holiday. On the other hand, it shows me as an employer that some nannies do take this holiday very personally and that perhaps an acknowledgment might be a good idea to avoid offending her in any way.

As an aside, I am curious if the nannies who expect a Mother's Day gift from their charges are mothers themselves?

Anonymous said...

A nanny is a nanny and while most nannies spend more time with the kids than mom, mothers day is for the mother not the nanny. I have never received a card for mothers day and I dont want one. Although I love the kids, they are not my kids and they know it and I know it. We never forget that. I am recognised for other days, birthday, thanksgiving, valentines, christmas, etc, some of these days I dont even have to be recognised for. A nanny who expects to be recognised on a day that is meant for the mother and her kids is plain old selfish imo

...park slope nanny

OP said...

I am the author of this post. I have to say, I was more than taken aback by our nanny's comments. Unfortunately, I am viewing her in a different light today. This will probably be short lived, but thank you- it was quite ballsy of her. I was doubting myself, thinking perhaps I should have done something. The truth is it doesn't sound like the most natural thing to do. Our nanny is not a mother. Perhaps she was spoiled by her previous employers? I don't know. I am glad so many of you thought it was out of line for her to ask.

shel said...

i am a nanny who has had families give me little gifts or extra thanks on mother's day. not all of them have, but many of them. i don't think it's a normal thing, however, nannies make the lives of mothers (and fathers) easier and should be thanked for that.

however, i do think your nanny was rather tactless in her approach. she must believe that all families do this. perhaps you can mention to her that you were caught off guard so you did some research and found that not all families do this on a regular basis. that will let her know that maybe it was slightly ballsy. follow it with letting her know that you appreciate her and are thankful for her services, but that you show your thanks at different times.

Anonymous said...

You sound nice enough, Op. Although we don't know you, I don't get the impression you're one of those employers that hides her nanny in a dank basement and has her do housework all day (inside joke from another post!)

But yes, I think it was extremely presumptuous of her for asking, or even expecting recognition for Mother's Day. Last time you looked - you birthed your kids, right?
She's a selfish pig.

Good luck with her, or perhaps finding your new nanny.

Anonymous said...

OP
You know what? I just had a second thought.

You say she is great with your kids? And you're positive about this? You've checked on her ... and done the "pop in"?
If you are comfortable with her in every other way, except for this one moment where she perhaps came off quite greedy - maybe you should try and get past it.
And for one reason and one reason only:
Good nannies are hard to come by. And I don't mean there aren't alot of them, I mean - "the perfect fit nanny". One that meshes well with everyone in the house.
If you do kick this nanny to the curb, what if you get yourself a lazy, good-for-nothing in her place? That would be a scary thought!
Tell her how you feel, and if she responds without an attitude or a sense of entitlement, try to let it go. I hope for her sake and your kids sake, she isn't as bad as this one momentary lapse in judgement dictates.

OP said...

I am the author of this post (2nd follow up) and I have no intention of firing my nanny!
This was an awkward moment. It's been much on my mind all day today. The comment did rub me the wrong way, but she leaves me many, many positives to focus on!

Sue Doe-Nim said...

I've said it here before but perhaps it bears repeating.

We celebrated Mother's Day with our Nanny every year until her death.

Now my Mother may not have had the Employer Boundaries that some of y'all are aching for but we all loved her and she loved us back.

Your Nanny had hurt feelings and didn't ask to be celebrated but rather acknowledged.

You spend at least 40 hours a week out of your home doing something (a job I presume?) so you hire a nanny to do what a Mother would otherwise do. Your 40 hours a week is considered full time Doctoring/Lawyering/Indian Chiefing so why wouldn't she be considered a full time Mother to your children?

You might want to try being thoughtful, she's only one more person who could love your children.

grandma knows best said...

I've given Mother's Day cards and gifts to every mother I've nannied for. I do not expect a Mother's Day recognition. I'm not a mother. Still, the work I do is about love and care for children. I'm devoted to them as I would be to a child of my own if I were so blessed. I think doing something special for the nanny on Mother's Day is a classy move.
With three of the families I worked for, the grandparents gave me Mother's Day cards on that special day and ackowledged my hard work and care for their grandchildren.
I've always been touched by these gestures, and find it interesting that the older, wiser family members recognized the importance of a good nanny's role in the family unit.
Something to think about.

aliana said...

this nanny is delusional

Kate in PA said...

Another thought- based on the way you have explained her line of questioning, she may not have been doing it to be ballsy. Perhaps she just didn't understand that most nannies aren't recognized on Mother's Day, since she said her other employers did so. Just to give her the benefit of the doubt.... She just may be the type of person who needs more acknowledgment and appreciation than others. Everyone is different. I stand by what I said earlier, maybe it would be helpful to her if you could set a time for feedback every week or two. Nannying is a hard and often thankless job with little adult interaction. Like Sue said, it could just be hurt feelings rather than a sense of entitlement. Only you know your nanny, though, not us.

JerseyXJacqui said...

Ummm Nannies shouldn't be celebrating Mother's Day...unless of course they are mothers (to their own children).

I find that VERY weird that a nanny would want to be acknowledged on a day for MOTHERS.

george said...

I've never been given a gift or card for Mother's Day. But with one family we celebrate the day I came to work for them. They've given me small presents plus something the kids made. And usually Mom writes a note that always brings tears to my eyes. Lucky me, it happens the Monday after Mother's Day. But no official Mother's Day recognition here, and I'm not complaining.

marypoppin'pills said...

I bet that moment was very uncomfortable. I could only imagine how I'd feel if I were you.
You probably questioned yourself, and whether or not you did something wrong by not acknowledging your Nanny.

Technically, this is supposed to be YOUR day ... but if all she knows is her past Employers making her feel special this day too, then what can you do?

I would say, based on your talk with her, if she deserves a "special" little Thank you, then what could it hurt? Especially if you really like her and she's good with your kids ... it would make her happy.
If she was behaving otherwise, then I think you've got a little problem on your hands, and what she did took quite a bit of nerve.

Sarah said...

I know the OP has already been back to read comments and respond, but I must say that your nanny cracks me up!

I think I would be really weirded out if the family I worked for got me a mother's day card. Actually, I'd be almost bothered by it. I DO NOT want to be a mother to the children I work for. I want to be a mentor, a teacher, a friend, a confidant, and a partner to the parents whom have hired me. Whether parents are working, traveling, playing tennis, or sitting at home staring at the wall, their children have a mother and it would be very insulting to me to ever make someone feel like I was trying to replace that. I really do not think nannies should be acknowledged at all on mother's day for the work they do. Nannies really need to get over themselves and stop thinking that the world would end without their services. Have your own children if you want to be super special on mother's day.

Anonymous said...

Wow Sarah. Nice post. Good point. But very harsh!

erics mom said...

What about Valentines Day?

I know its weird. I worked for a family as a live in. On Valentines the dad took the son and they went to the jewelry store. They come back in the house from shopping. Right in front of me he gave her a present. Beautiful diamond earrings.
I was happy for her. But felt a little envious. Maybe, because I wasn't dating anyone at the time. And I felt lonely.

Now is it just me but I thought that was really tacky. To give her a gift right in front of me. That nite they went for dinner and I babysat. Now wouldn't it be in better taste to give her the present while out?

What do you guys think.
And no I am not a nanny anymore.
I am a SAHM to a toddler.

Thanks for reading

Anonymous said...

I worked for my family for 2 years. This year I got a Mother's Day Card and a $50 gift certificate from the little girl's grandma!! It was an awesome surprise and I never would have expected it but I also was careful not to say anything to my nanny mom about it because I didn't want any hard feelings. I certainly would never expect them to acknowledge me on mother's day but that was quite a surprise.

Lizz said...

okay, well I am a nanny, and while I would never ask for a mothers day gift (I am not their mom) I do look for positive reinforcment(or negative as it applies) for the job that I am doing. Perhaps the nanny in question, based on her past experiences, felt that the attention given her on mothers day represented the job she was doing. I am not saying that the OP does not let her know she is doing a good job, but that could just be how the nanny sees things. Perhaps she wasnt even looking for material things, but just to know that she was doing a good job, but maybe I am reading to much into it :) Maybe she is young...sounds like something a young girl would do.

Anonymous said...

Erics mom, I am glad you are no longer a nanny. It sounds as if SAHM much better suits you.

To be jealous of watching your female employer get a gift from her sweetheart(husband) on Valentines day is almost creepy...

the above remark is in no way commenting on wheather you were a good nanny or not!

JerseyXJacqui said...

Eric's Mom, did you and dad have a thing on the side going on?

I don't get it.
Why was it tacky that he gave his WIFE a romantic gift on a romantic holiday in front of you?
Why would you expect a Valentine's Day gift from another woman's husband?

I'm not understanding this.

Anonymous said...

JerseyXJaqui,
If you don't understand it, then you certainly haven't done enough to be deserving of jewelry from an employer. Believe you, me- no man is more grateful to the woman who is raising his children and satisfying his pervertyed desires.

Marissa M. said...

Eww. How weird. Who the heck gives their nanny a mothers day gift.

OP, I suggest you approach her with a calender, sharpie and kids in tow and announce that you are creating a "nanny day" somewhere between mothers and fathers day and that that will be her day of appreciation and that mothers day and fathers day will be for the mom and dad. Get the bitch a card.

Anonymous said...

Jersey are you stupid?

I think Eric's mom explained exactly why she felt envious. Your comment about her and the dad was as tacky as you are. Guilty mind Jersey? You look like the type that would steal another woman's man for sure!

JerseyXJacqui said...

Haha, that's not even worthy of a response, 6:17.

Who is the stupid one?

Calm down.

Nanny B said...

I don't think that nannies should be rewarded for mother's day, that is after all the moms only day for herself. But I do think that families should recognize their nannies on their aniversary (of starting work). In the past my family remembered and it was great, this year however came and went and now a month later nothing. Of course its about the moms and not about the nannies, I would never want to be acknoweledge on mother's day, even if I do spend more time with the kids then their parents do.

Anonymous said...

6:17 you are way out of line. While I know JXJ enough to understand that she does not need me to stand up for her..I will say..you need to take a hike!!

There is no reason on Gods green earth that a nanny should feel jealous of dad giving mom a romantic gift on Valentines day. That is just CRAZY!!!She either had a sick obsession with the dad or was boning him on the side and either way ..her feelings were way out of place!!!

Her feelings were not normal under any circumstance!

Anonymous said...

Jersey, and yet you responded. Proving your idiocy.

Manhattan Mamma said...

Eric's mom, I got your meaning. Valentine's Day can be difficult when you are alone. I didn't take you to mean you were jealous that she had that particular gift from that particular sweetheart, but that she was getting a gift from any sweetheart and you were envious of her good fortune and having someone to share that special day with. Most people have felt like a third wheel at one point or another.

And I would feel a little awkward if I was given a gift in front of someone who wasn't receiving one regardless of the occasion but that's how I am. The exception being my birthday.

Anonymous said...

8:28 "boning him on the side" ?

Technically I think only a man can "BONE" someone. And using that term makes you sound almsot as classy as your good buddy JXJ.

Anonymous said...

10:09 Well, if you think sounding "classy" was what I was trying to do..you were mistaken.

Point is.. it blows my mind that you & Manhattan Mama think it is a normal situation for a nanny to get jealous feelings when she witnesses Dad giving mom a romantic gift!

Anonymous said...

10:42 and JXJ -

I totally agree. I've heard some suprising things on here, but a nanny being jealous (and thinking her jealousy is reasonable) of Mom/employer getting a gift from her husband is one of the oddest things I've read.

Does this mean that neither employer should compliment the nanny in front of the other parent either? Or that employers should give separate gifts to their nanny and not tell each other what they are giving their nanny to avoid "jealousy?"

Ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

::sigh::

Eric's mom said
"I was happy for her. But felt a little envious. Maybe, because I wasn't dating anyone at the time. And I felt lonely."

Read it slowly, then read it again maybe it will sink in the third or fourth time.

Anonymous said...

and herrrrrre we go AGAIN!
I got my front row seat, check
my popcorn? check
my diet pepsi? check

Now I'm ready!

Anonymous said...

9:34PM
Hey Sprak, is that you?

erics mom said...

Hi

Why all the mean comments? I wasn't thinking perverted of the father or any other thoughts. I didn't mean I wanted a romantic present from the father. I knew this family for two years before I was asked to move in with them to help temporary with the baby. She was expecting another child.

I didn't ask for jewelry, I didn't ask or expect anything. But being 22 years old, and seeing someone get a nice present makes you feel left out. It would even be nice if they had their son draw me a picture. Or if they put a picture of me and him on a special occasion. Example: I would take him to do ceramics with the other neighborhood kids, etc.


5:31
And your right I am much better as being a mom. I learned alot taking care of the kids in the past.

Anonymous said...

Awwww, don't feel bad, eric's mom. I admit I was put off by your comment at first, but as I read it over again, I put myself in your shoes, and I bet it did suck.
:(
I get it.

Anonymous said...

11:46, I don't think anyone is being critical of the part of EM's comment that you quoted. That's just her feelings. Fine.

This is the part people think is silly:

"Now is it just me but I thought that was really tacky. To give her a gift right in front of me.

Get it? It's the part where she judges the dad for giving mom a gift in front of her. Maybe you should re-read several times so you can learn to quote what is relevant.

Hoboken is great said...

12:43

Really, this is going overboard already. So EM wrote what she was thinking back in the day. Why attack someones feelings? Or call it silly? She didn't mention going up to the family she worked for and complain to them, did she? She just felt bad it was done in front of her.

Honestly, if my husband buys me something I don't want an audience. That to me is a showy display. Also, when we celebrate our wedding anniversary,I don't make a big deal out of it. I have single relatives and don't want them to feel bad. So I usually have a small meal and buy some Italian dessert. And just invite everyone to get together. No presents, etc.

My husband and I exchange gifts usually during the week. Alone.

Anonymous said...

Thank you 12:59. Like MM, I would feel like we were showing off if my DH gave me a romantic or showy gift in front of an audience. Especially on Valentine's Day or our Anniversary, when the proper or natural response might be a less than demure peck on the lips in thanks. A full length, fur collar leather coat, presented to me in the privacy of our bedroom one Christmas Night was how I conceived our child! :D

For 12:59 to say I didn't quote what was relevant just exemplifies the foolishness of that thought process. Of course they were criticizing her feelings and worse! Accusing her of "boning" the dad or wanting him sexually. That was ridiculous.

Criticizing him for presenting the gift in front of her makes perfect sense because it's the ACTION that caused the REACTION. If it hadn't happened in her presence, she couldn't have been envious, being young and loney.

mom said...

I think it's just kind of impolite to give romantic gifts in front of other people, period. Both for the recipient and for the audience. It's kind of icky having a private moment like that in front of an observer...kind of makes everybody wonder how they ought to react. Am I a part of this exchange and should I somehow react to the gift? Am I supposed to shut up and pretend I am not here? It's weird.

jojo bear said...

A father giving a mother a mother's day present in front of the nanny is a bit like giving Milli Vanilli a lifetime achievement award in singing in front of the people who were really doing the singing!

JerseyXJacqui said...

Jojo, we were talking about Valentine's Day not Mother's Day though.
But then, that's a moot point anyway.
A mother deserves the mother's day gift, not the nanny. To accuse mother's with nannies as being inadequate in their mothering (which is what I assume you were doing with that Milli Vanili analogy) is pretty presumputuous.
Only in rare cases, relatively speaking, does the nanny take over as the mother figure. It's not the norm, at least not in my experiences.

Anonymous said...

okay..so the nanny has known the fam for 2 yrs before working with them..as the nanny she is like part of the family..our gifts are always exchanged in front of the family..Valentines day is no exception..

as a mom..I would NEVER leave my child with anyone that I did not completely trust,care for and consider part of the family..weather it be a FT nanny or occassional sitter..we have 2 sitters for the occasional outing..both like aunts to my children..my husband & I never feel we have to retreat to the privacy of our bedroom to share gifts on ANY day...we are a very open and loving family with friends and sitters who are treated like family as well..why would we ever exclude them from watching us open a gift..romantic or not?
Sexual or delightfully sinful gifts..ok..understandable..but a diamond neclace?
I am also a nanny during the week (M-F from 630am-430pm)and my bosses are very open as well.They have exchanged gifts and kisses and giggles in front of me and the children for years..even when I was single..I was not jealous but happy to be working for such a happily married couple with a wonderful relationship.It was inspiring to me as a young women to see that relationships can really be that wonderful and healthy for the kids to see that they have loving,happy parents. I am lost as to trusting someone to stay with your children 50 hrs a week but not being able to share opening a gift in front of them?

Any kind of jealosy in this situation would lead me ,too, to believe that there were underlying feelings on the nanny's part.

This is not an attack on anyone..just an anonymous regular who is very puzzled at the OP's statement ..just MY feelings on the matter.

Anonymous said...

to mom:04 why would you act like you were not there?Obviously they want you to be a part of something special if they do it in front of you. What is so wrong with that?

Obviously if someone is comfortable enough to share opening such a gift in front of you..you mean more to them than you realize. Perhaps they are trying to let you see that they do infact think of you as part of the family?
I am shocked that so many families or couples (maybe just the wives?) are really that rigid?

mom said...

12:39
You do make a good point.
Everybody is different, and I guess I'm just one of those in the more "private" category. When my husband gives me jewelery it is usually a special moment between the two of us. Maybe in front of the kids if they were in on the gift selection, but never in front of others. But I can also see some people making it more of a family celebration. Nice for the nanny if that is what they are thinking and they consider a close member of the family.
Have you ever been in a moment that is somewhat "public" but then becomes awkwardly private, and then suddenly you don't quite know what to do? That's what I was picturing here.

Anonymous said...

I like Marissa M's suggestion--how about a national Nanny's Day?

mpp said...

I know.
They have "National Secretaries" Day.

fox in socks said...

If the nanny is not a mother herself, it is even more odd that she would expect a card or something on Mother's Day, especially to the point where she would chastise you later about not getting anything.

I once had a part time babysitter who had two elementary school aged children. She was a single mother; her husband had died. I wanted to give her something because I wanted her to feel special on Mother's Day. Because her children were young, I thought they may or may not have the wherewithall to get their mom a gift. She was very touched and happy about it. She said that this was probably the only thing she'd get for Mother's Day.

I don't think people should give their nannies Mother's Day presents unless there is some special reason why this feels appropriate.

As for the Valentine's Day story, what struck me about it was that they thought nothing of giving an extravagant and expensive gift in front of their nanny who probably makes very little money. It is gross to do this, it seems to me. I think it is showy in an inappropriate way. If they can afford to buy luxury items so easily (as most employers can), it is not polite to "brag" about it or emphasize this fact in front of an employee who makes little money by comparison.

That being said, I think it is quite appropriate and normal to recognize babysitters or nannies on Valentine's Day, from the children. Valentine's Day is about affection, and it is a very nice gesture to have the children make cards (or buy cards from the children), and give a small gift to the babysitter or nanny from the children. It is nice to show the sitter or nanny that she is well liked, or loved, and appreciated.

Anonymous said...

nice post, fox!

cali mom said...

Jumping ahead again, but my first thought was that the nanny had kids of her own, and is therefore a MOTHER. Just like the mother who happens to be her employer. So this would be the same as not acknowleding the nanny's birthday. I think it would be polite and respectful to at least say "happy Nother's Day" or "happy birthday" to someone on their special day.

cali mom said...

OK just got to OP's update and I see that the nanny does NOT have kids of her own. So I agree, that it is extremely unreasonable to expect a Mother's Day recognition for being NOT a mother.

cali mom said...

Eric's Mom, since you asked...I think that if you are jealous to see your EMPLOYER'S HUSBAND give her a gift, you have some serious issues.

erics mom said...

Enlighten me, Cali. What serious issues do you think I have?

I can't wait to hear your response. Since you like to stir up drama on here.

Anonymous said...

Awww, ladies, ladies.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I feel bad eric's mom felt the way she did, but can understand why some people might question why such as cali mom.
Play nice! or I'm going to give you both a time-out!!

Anonymous said...

12:43 I think you are right. I don't know why she would expect a valentines day gift from him. I oticed that "right in front of me" when I read her post and it struck me as odd too. He gave his wife a beautiful gift on a romantic day. If he isn;t having a romantic fling with the nanny ,then why would it bother her that he gave his wife a necklace "right in front of her"? Mybe she has a crush on the husband and a few fantasy have gotten out of control.?
There is o reason why a man cannot give his wife an expensive or a cheap gift in front of anyone else. There is nothing rude about it and it is not out of line.

sunnygirl said...

Your an idiot 1:26

Her post doesn't imply she was having a fling with her boss. Where does it imply that?

She stated she felt bad because she felt lonely since she didn't have anyone at the time.

I guess you never went thru those feelings.

cali mom said...

Eric's Mom, the explanation would clearly be lost on you if you haven't gotten the hints from the dozen or so OTHER posters who have expressed the same opinion as mine.

But just 'cause I'm in a good mood, here's a little hint for you: jealousy...envy...insecurity...resentment

Connect the dots.

Anonymous said...

Damn cali mom, come on.

UmassSlytherin said...

I too think it is weird to give a personal gift, especially an extravagant one, to your wife in front of the nanny. Come on, there's a time and place for everything. It does make people feel uncomfortable.
Eric's mom: don't let these women get to you. They are just bored. You are entitled to your opinion, one I happen to share.

erics mom said...

Thanks UMass : )

Anonymous said...

I honestly think it depends upon the type of relationship the family has with said nanny and vice verse. We had a nanny for our 4 kids for 3 years and she was literally a 2nd mother to them. The youngest (who she was there for the birth) even in the beginning called her mom and I was NEVER once threatened by that because they know who their 'mom' is, but they also recognized that our nanny took care of them in the same way that their own mom did...so she literally was just that...another mommy. We didn't give her a 'gift - either an actual gift or monetary- on mother's day, but darn sure we recognized her with a handmade card from the kids, a flower waiting for her that morning saying thank you for being the mom to our kids when we are not around...She always appreciated it and knew we loved her and she was literally an extension, a part of our family. BUT...when she moved out of state and we had to replace her, the new nanny is different. She does things differently, she doesn't connect as much with the kids, she doesn't do near as much as our other one did, thus our relationship with her is different...it's honestly strictly business where our last one wasn't that way. Where I would recognize our previous nanny, I do not feel that when mother's day comes around this time, I would acknowledge our new one on that day...I'll wait for a birthday, Christmas or some other appropriate time to say thanks. So...I think it depends a lot too on the relationship everyone has.