17 April, 2008

Nannies and The Husbands? Myth or Reality?

Received Thursday, April 17, 2008
Dear Jane,
I don't know if this would fall under Rant or not, but with all of the attention given to the Nannies in the news lately either because they are having an affair with their Boss or filing a complaint of sexual harassment, I would be curious to know how many Nannies on this Blog would be willing to tell their story. Were they just "hit on" by their Employer, were they harassed, or did they have a full blown consensual affair? How did they feel about it? And did the Wife ever find out? Thank you.

47 comments:

Anonymous said...

I typed out a whole thing but I don't see that it posted...so here I go again...

I've been a nanny for over 5 years. My first nanny position was when I was 19. The husband I worked for never "hit on me" per se, while I worked for them, but he did make comments. He would say things like "you look nice today" (but in a flirty kind of way) or "that's a nice shirt, it hugs you in all the right places". I'm a very passive person, so at the time, I never knew how to deal with it, so I blew it off. Well, they moved to a different city after a year so my job wit them ended. About 2 years later, I ended up moving to the same city. We got in touch and I went over to see the kids. Again, he made comments like "it's so comforting to see you here" etc. No big deal I guess. But, a few months later, I saw they had posted an ad on a popular local website for a job I thought my boyfriend at the time may have been interested in. I e-mailed about it and the husband replied "which ad did you see?". I told him the one for the job...and he replied with "oh, well I have two ads on there, one for a job, and one for a mistress..." Then he asked if I was interested in the "mistress" position. I actually checked the website, and sure enough, there was his "mistress" ad. I was appalled, and needless to say, I never wrote back and have not spoken to the family since.

Other than that, I've never had it happen. It seems like some horror story really, but, you never know what can happen. I'm just glad it never was "officially" suggested until AFTER my position with them had ended.

Anonymous said...

I would say largely myth. Only because I burned for my male employer for years. Consumed at night, sleeping a hundred feet from him, I dreamt of licking his milky, white thighs. Fortunately, he was oblivious, consumed with his high powered job, he never noticed my pathetic stare, the drool, the longing. I'm happily married now and laugh at the thought that I ever had such wild fantasies.

Gloria said...

Wait, didn't we do this once before? This question? Because the first post sounds familiar.

Anonymous said...

Most of the time, it's a MYTH! Most nannies are too professional and decent to even consider "stealing" their employers' husbands.
And let's face it, wealthy or not, most of these men are nothing to get excited about. Once you've seen one early in the morning, unshaven and wearing his tatty old robe, belching and scratching himself and cursing at his business partner on the phone, the idea of romance goes right out the window. Besides, any nanny idiotic enough to risk her job and her reputation by shtupping her boss should find another line of work. It's a lose-lose proposition.
I'd personally rather stab myself in the eye with a hot poker and kiss the President on the mouth (gag!) than sleep with (or kiss or touch or even hold hands with) any of the fathers I've nannied for.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick!

Anonymous said...

gloria
I remember the 1st post, but I'm not sure there's been one asking about nannies and their bosses.

Anonymous said...

Well, this should be very therapeutic. I imagine if there are others that have a chance to get it all out, maybe they'll feel better because sometimes it helps to talk about it.

I've never told anyone what happened to me. But several years ago when I was a teenager I was sitting for this little boy and his father sexually harassed me. It went quite far, mainly because I was scared and didn't know what to do. I hate that I never told the wife what happened, but I got out of there as quick as I could and never went back.

All I think about now is if it ever happened to some other poor unsuspecting girl, and it really bothers me.

Anonymous said...

I am sure their are women who have played games with their emploers husbands, Look at Robin Williams, he divorced his wife and married the nanny. Lets face it their are women who are looking for a wealthy
husband or suguar daddy and there are husbands out there looking for something on the side.
Maybe thats why some women want their nanny not to wear clothing that shows their clevage? Or short shorts or bikinis. Maybe they have already seen that movie.
People cheat because they think they are so clever that they won't get caught.
I think if I had a husband (which thank God I don't) I wouldn't be hiring a good looking nanny lol
Why put temptation in your own house?
If I were a nanny and the husband made crude remarks or hit on me I would be looking for a job very fast, as someone said why take the chance of this guy ruining your ability to work and ruin your reputation. I think most nannies have good morals,and are good to children, and would be smart enough not to fall into that trap.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you 5:14. But why do you suppose some nannies keep going back when they are continually harassed? Case in point, Rob Lowe's nanny. If I were being treated like that, I wouldn't put up with it -- if you were a real victim. It doesn't make sense why some stay. The money can't be more important than your dignity.

Sarah said...

I was in a part-time position last year looking after 2 pre-school aged girls. Often the dad would be home early or working from home. I never felt too comfortable around him and thought he was slimy lol. A few weeks into the position the dad oh so casually put his hand on my shoulder whilst talking to his daughters (he came up behind us). I shrugged it off and moved a few steps away. He was always too close or saying things too suggestive (like 'hows my 3 favourite girls today?' with a wink for me-ugh!) Not pleasant. He started working from home more and more often so I took to sitting in the girls bedrooms whilst they napped so that the dad could not talk to me. I quit 12 weeks into the position, and had a 12 week notice period (oh my word, those were a horrible 3 months!!!) I never told the mum, but I made sure that the dad realised that I was SO NOT interested and was disgusted at his behaviour. I used to stand with my arms crossed (very defensive) when he was talking to me and body turned half away coz I felt violated. I refuse to even talk to them - feel bad for the children though. And I know I'm not the only one. He approached a friend of mine who was working at his youngest daughters school and he was so puchy and suggestive that she took to hiding in the bathroom and letting another teacher deal with him till he left.

I like my bosses, as bosses! yes, I hug one of my ex-bosses but they're like family and I was there for 3 yrs. Eeew...wouldn't dream of anything happening

Sarah said...

I was in a part-time position last year looking after 2 pre-school aged girls. Often the dad would be home early or working from home. I never felt too comfortable around him and thought he was slimy lol. A few weeks into the position the dad oh so casually put his hand on my shoulder whilst talking to his daughters (he came up behind us). I shrugged it off and moved a few steps away. He was always too close or saying things too suggestive (like 'hows my 3 favourite girls today?' with a wink for me-ugh!) Not pleasant. He started working from home more and more often so I took to sitting in the girls bedrooms whilst they napped so that the dad could not talk to me. I quit 12 weeks into the position, and had a 12 week notice period (oh my word, those were a horrible 3 months!!!) I never told the mum, but I made sure that the dad realised that I was SO NOT interested and was disgusted at his behaviour. I used to stand with my arms crossed (very defensive) when he was talking to me and body turned half away coz I felt violated. I refuse to even talk to them - feel bad for the children though. And I know I'm not the only one. He approached a friend of mine who was working at his youngest daughters school and he was so puchy and suggestive that she took to hiding in the bathroom and letting another teacher deal with him till he left.

I like my bosses, as bosses! yes, I hug one of my ex-bosses but they're like family and I was there for 3 yrs. Eeew...wouldn't dream of anything happening

Anonymous said...

I am sure most nannies have no desire to score an affair with their boss. But there's always one in every bunch.

I had a very attractive girlfriend that made no bones about having an affair with hers because she wanted a better lifestyle. I knew it would only get ugly and it did.

She got entirely jealous and finally tired of his "games" and phoned his wife to let her know what was going on. The wife left her husband, and their nanny, thinking the door was now wide open for her, went in for the kill. I don't know how she could be surprised, but the husband wouldn't have her. He was pissed she had told the wife.

Eventually, she found herself a rich husband, but thank God this one wasn't married.

Anonymous said...

I've been a professional nanny for six years and I've never experienced anything like this. I also belong to many professional nanny organizations and support groups and I've never met anyone who has experienced this personally. I'm sure it does happen, but it's not nearly the epidemic Hollywood purports it to be.

Robert Synnott said...

It's difficult, or not impossible, for any affair to be truely 'consensual' if one party employs the other and can fire them effectively without notice. There's implicit coercion, even if neither party conciously realises it.

Rebecca said...

I totally agree with 1:29, and also with Robert. Even the idea of my bosses...yeesh. And it's not really totally consensual if a person can be fired at any time.

I've been a nanny for several years, and I know LOTS of other nannies - not one of whom has ever even WANTED to have an affair with a boss. Nannies are mostly professional about their jobs, and wouldn't do something that stupid. However, as 6:52 says, there's one in every bunch - nanny, secretary, teacher, doctor, whatever. But it's not AT ALL common - just makes a good tabloid story. Kind of like psychopaths - I doubt they're as prevalent in real life as they are on the Lifetime Movie Network.

I did have one job, however, where the father made some weird comments - he picked up his toddler and said the child smelled like me (I realize that could sound bad, but it definitely wasn't an insult), and he would question me about things like my car - did my dad make sure it was safe (I didn't live with my parents)? Did I get it checked out regularly? He'd be happy to check it out any time for me. Now, it's entirely possible that he was just trying to be nice - but he was so...EAGER about it that it made me feel a little awkward. He was never inappropriate though, and I didn't work there for very long.

s said...

If it's job security you are worried about, as a nanny, the best thing you can do is establish a sexual relationship with your boss. Womem; the mothers are jealous, mistrusting, suspicious and batshit crazy regardless. They will fire you on a dime. Whether you are a nanny or a secretary, job security comes from sleeping with the person who signs your paychecks. That's the cold, hard truth. All jobs end and when your job ends, you are guaranteed a very healthy, generous severence. Sometimes, they give it to you in two parts, the part the wife knows about and the part the wife will never know about.

Frappichinosssssssssssss said...

the fear of this rarity has kept me from getting jobs! It's hard for an attractive/educated/outgoing/highly experienced nanny to get a job in a home with a jealous mommy :( I think they rather you be "less than" them in some way. It has always taken me a lot longer to find a job between that whole deal and the fact that I am VERY picky about who I will work for (must have same parenting styles, agree on disapline and have some chemistry) I might look for months- but and thats a big BUT (lol) I find the best eventually and they last years. I have never had a hubs be anything more that at most like a great friend- I am a master of the perfect balance of professional distance :)

Anonymous said...

I've had one of my "Dad" employers come down the hall and ask me a question as he was using a rotary buzzing device in his nostrils. I've chased a toddler in his parent's bedroom to see Dad's horrible aim, his rumpled up newspaper and his stained bowl, with feather, flakey bits. I've had my "Mom" employer ask me to pick up Selsun Blue or 'ask the pharmacist what the strongest thing is for severe dandruff' for her husband. I had one "Mom" employer take me online with her while she ordered sex toys for her husband, one was a leather whip and the other was a certain plug that had a horse tail coming down from it. The mother was very open, had few boundaries and I asked her, "does he let you use those on him", her response, "if he's good". I almost vomitted then and there. I've seen "Dad" employers get so stressed out after spending two minutes in the company of their children that they looked like they were going to explode. I confirmed numerous appointments for one "Dad" employer with a specialist who he was working with to correct his profuse sweating. I've watched "Dad" employers who eat like wild pigs with food flying out of their mouth and landing on my plate and I've watched "Dad" employers come home from work and sit down and start reading while "Mom" employers came home from job one and started job two with zero help from "Dad". I've seen "Mom" employers beg, bargain, plead and cajole the "Dad" employers to pick up, play with and talk to their own children. Just last week, I watched my current "Dad" employer use the house phone's antenna to clean his ear.

Have I ever been tempted to sleep with one of my employers?

Hell, no.
In my 9 years as a nanny, have I met anyone who had designs on the "Dad" employer or had the "Dad" employer harass or proposition her?

Nope.

Anonymous said...

10:03,
You're not as attractive as you think.

Rebecca said...

9:53 - I see your point about job security, but don't think you're right. A nanny having a sexual relationship with her boss could be fired: if her boss thinks she will tell the wife, if the wife suspects, if she breaks off the affair, by the unsuspecting wife for poor job performance unrelated to the affair... for any number of reasons. Sure, she could blackmail the husband into keeping her on or giving her a huge severance package - but if she has no proof that's a pretty risky plan. No, I don't think that's a foolproof plan for job security at all.

maggie said...

MY ADVICE
Instill just a bit of fear in your nanny and keep your husband satisfied.

Anonymous said...

10:18 must be a jealous mommy lmao

Anonymous said...

I have never had a male employer I am atracted to...so I am sure that's a good thing. I do know of one nanny who wasn't my friend but a friend of a friend who went to work for a family that had newborn twins. She and dad hooked up...its been over 20 years they are married and have 3 more children together. So I mean I feel bad for the mom of the twins but apparently after 20 years of marriage it wasn't superfical

anonymous1 said...

about that ear cleaning, it reminded me of something I saw at the South Bend Indiana airport a couple of weeks ago. A man sitting directly across from me in the waiting area proceeded to use the ear pieces on his eyeglasses to thoroughly clean out his wax encrusted ears without a thought for his fellow passengers and absolutely not a hint of embarrassment. As he plowed deeper and deeper into the depths of each ear canal, I tried to keep my eyes averted but to no avail. I kept checking to see if it was over as I tried to keep my stomach still.

Sarah and Mitch said...

I worked for a family for about 7 months, and was totally fine until the last few weeks.

The dad was home at lunchtime (every day at least one parent came home for lunch) and commented that he was very happy. He thought they were going to get an "old grandma of a nanny. But then, SHAZAM, we got you." I kind of laughed at it, but definitely avoided him like the plague after it. The guy was a creep after that, commenting on the size of his toddler son's boy parts, and laughing that I knew what their slang words really meant. I never commented on it at all, especially not to his 8mos pregnant wife.

Anyways, after I really started avoiding him and only talking to him about his son, in a very professional manner, things went downhill fast. And when I couldn't spend an entire week vacationing with them in Tahoe (only 45 mins from my house- I was willing to commute daily) I was let go at the end of the next week because his wife decided to stay home with the new baby's arrival. I have gone into that on another comment on here actually... But I think not giving him any friendly (genuine friendly, nothing more) attention had a lot to do with the decline in the relationship with his family.

Anonymous said...

Bottom line is MEN CANNOT BE TRUSTED. For this reason I could never hire a manny nor could I hire an attractive nanny. I read awhile back that Budhist nannies were all the rage, I understand why. I wonder why there isn't more demand for lesbian nannies. They are usually athletic and eat healthy, two requirements for my home.

(I'm a sahm and don't have a nanny, but I'm just saying..)

atl nanny said...

2:25 -- I'm a lesbian nanny, and I will say that while I don't think there is any heightened demand for lesbian nannies in general, I have never had a problem finding jobs and I don't think it hurts me in anyway.

mom said...

10:17 and 2:25,
Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

I would never do anything inappropriate with a male boss, but let me just say that I have thankfully been spared all of the disgusting daily intricacies of him (and her) for that matter.

I have never seen them blow food out of their mouth, pick their ears, noses, or butts.

I think it's definately a great turn-off, though - and one way to avoid an affair! lol

jerseyxjacqui said...

I couldn't imagine even thinking that way about my charge's father, nevermind acting on anything like that.
If you're raised the right way, homewrecking should never even be an issue...shouldn't even cross your mind.

I've babysat MANY families in the past and not once has ANYONE ever acted inappropriately with me.
Why? Hopefully because they love their wife, children and LIFE...but also because I would never allow something like that and probably gave off that impression? I don't know, I'm just speculating. But daddies hitting on me or making a move on me was never something I worried about.

Some of the nannies' stories about getting hit on actually skeeve me out a bit.
Poor girls :-(

Anonymous said...

MY ADVICE
"Instill just a bit of fear in your nanny and keep your husband satisfied."

I'm sorry maggie - but "instill fear in your nanny"?

That's just a bit cruel, don't you think? Why wouldn't you want an equally respectful relationship with your nanny, instead of her being afraid of you?
It just doesn't seem right.

Cant say because I cant embarass the fam said...

I have a disgusting Dad story, although he really was and remains the nicest guy!

When I was a nanny, about ten years ago. I traveled with them on vacation and for our day's event, we were going to take a boat out to a smaller Island. I don't know boats, I don't know what this one was called, all I know is it didn't have a bathroom. We were waiting on the pier for the boat to come and the husband looked at his watch and then looked like he was going to head back down the pier. Then he turned around. I assumed he was just growing impatient with the boat's arrival. The boat came and the five of us got on the boat. We all put on lifejackets and we started cruising out to see. I'm a nanny and I don't make a habbit of being chaufered around by a captain, the sun was brilliant, the children were in super moods, the water was beautiful, it was just a georgous day. I was rubbing lotion on the eldest of my charges when I started to smell something awful. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw their father, in his red polo bathing suit, standing, holding his stomach, with his legs turned in kind of bent over. I think I let out a gasp. Mom who was towards the front of the boat saw my face and walked back. The father, "said "Oh No, S-it". I distracted the children and kept them towards the front of the boat. Mom conferred with the captain. Soon, the engine came to a stop. Next thing I know Dad was overboard. By now, the kids had come to the back of the boat and were looking at Dad in the water. The five year old asked, "what is daddy doing?" The mom said, "he's washing his shorts". And he literally did pull them off as he floated by the side of the boat and swish them furiously around in the ocean. He was thorough, I'll give him that.

It could have been incredibly awkward but the father had a great sense of humor. This guy-he was a total hunk, but he was so in love with his wife. Nicest people I ever worked for.

Anonymous said...

Just ..... ewww.

Anonymous said...

the poor fishies!

Anonymous said...

6:25pm...LOL LMAO and EEEWWWW!!!!
I thought my story about the family I worked for who ALL (Dad, Mom and kiddies) farted freely and enthusiastically on a regular basis was bad, but it pales in comparison to your "Daddy has exploding diarrhea at sea". Wow.

Anonymous said...

The second family I ever worked for the parents were young and attractive. The parents BOTH made advances. The mom would insist I stay in the room with her with the baby to play while she showered and then walked around her room naked for 15-30 minutes. The dad also would flirt with me, although thankfully never exposed himself. One night I came to babysit and the mom was out of town. The dad was on the phone with her when I showed up and he told her I was there to stip for them! I couldn't believe it, but was even more shocked when the mom's responce was, "No fair, she has to wait until I'm there!"

I was young at the time, 19, and they were my moms neighbors so I just left after only 2 months saying I wanted to go back to school full time. Yet, I am pretty sure they knew why. The are now divorced, but not before become swingers soon after I left.

The last family I worked for had a sleeze of a father. He was in his mid 50's, his wife was in her early 30's. She was pregnant when my year anniversary came around. I am not sure why, but he completely changed after I got my raise for my 1 year anniversary. He would always hang around for around an hour, and then finally get dressed. He started showering in the bathroom at the back of the house, and then walking in a tiny towel in front of me into his bedroom, usually stopping to bend down and kiss his son. He then started saying creepy things. One day I wore a white tee shirt and he encouraged his 2 year old son to spray me with a hose, saying he wanted to see what I would look like in a wet tee shirt contest. Another time I forgot their house key and he said something to the effect that I needed a spanking for it. When he said that, I took his son into his bedroom, came out and proceeded to tell the father he should, "consider this my two weeks notice, and should you say anything like that to me again, I will leave immediately and be forced to tell your pregnant wife and whomever else I feel should need this information." He stood there with his mouth hanging open and I just walked away. I left two weeks later, with a great severance check, and I never had to mention it to his 9 months pregnant, going to burst any day, wife.

Anonymous said...

3:25
Good for you, girl!
Turn the tables on that cad!

Anonymous said...

I'll be honest - I had a brief and uncomplicated affair with my employer.

I was 22, hired on a 7 month assignment while the wife was on maternity bed rest. He was a 32 year old Investment banker.

Around the end of month 1, husband and I started eating dinner together after he got home from work (wife was asleep by 8pm) and discussed the child's day and his work (a field I was interested in).

By month 3 we were sleeping together once or twice a week. It made me feel good - I am not a 'super attractive' nanny. He was not fantastically good looking either. OUr afir had more to do with our being comfortable with each other and getting some sort of mutual benefit from the relationship. Not once did I feel that my job was in jeopardy should i refuse. It was totally consensual.

I was not 'in love' with this father and although I didn't like his wife that much, I never even considered telling her after I left at the end of the assignment. They are still married now, 7 years later.

I have spent time with the amily in the last 7 years and nothing has ever happened since - a knowing look here and there, a wistful smile, but no intention of another affair.

Judge me all you want, I am at peace with it, neither of us think it hurt anyone at all.

Anonymous said...

As long as the both of you keep it to yourselves, you mean nobody is hurt?

I disagree. Even though the wife you disliked so much is blissfully unaware, I guarantee you ... the damage is done. It doesn't matter that 7 yrs. later they are still married, that husband will forever know that he deceived his wife and he has to live with that until the day he dies. I wonder what he's thinking when he's looking at his children, or tucking them in at night?

Don't think for a moment that there aren't times he won't feel some regret ... he's only human. And for you not to be ashamed of yourself? I think you did it because of low self-esteem, and that was the wrong reason to get into any kind of relationship.

As a matter of fact, since you state that you had such disdain for his wife, you probably felt pretty good about what you were doing at the time.
I really pity you.

Anonymous said...

We had a live in nanny who was with us for over a year. We had a good relationship, until about a month before she left. Suddenly, she became very agressive and nasty to me - completely out of past character! It got so bad that finally, my husband and I decided it was time to terminate the relationship with the nanny and she packed up and went home. About a week or two later, to both my husband's and my suprise, he began to get love letters from the nanny. FINALLY at least I was able to figure out her sudden anger towards me - she had a crush on my husband!

Anonymous said...

wow! lol, go figure! at least you had her out of your house.

Sprak said...

6:25 You've made my day with that hilarious episode of your nanny life! Hilarious!

jennifer lecarlo said...

Myth.

Anonymous said...

In my personal experience this is true. When I was 18 and in my first year of college I got a nanny position with a family who paid me six bucks an hour. I didn't mind the pay because I was young inexperienced and need flexibility with my school schedule. Any who, the mom of this family generally left before I got to their house at seven, and was not home when I left at five o'clock. Once a week she would come home early to see me and the baby together and to chit chat. She was really a nice woman, and i actually liked these people, the baby was a newborn, and so sweet. Any who the father worked from home, so at least this is what his wife thought, he spent most of his time sitting very close to me on the couch when I would feed the baby, or if the baby was falling a sleep in my arms, he would put his arm around the back of the couch and his leg would be touching my thigh, I would always find reasons to move away from the situation, I would say time to play with the baby I would move to the floor, time to put baby in bed move into the bedroom, he was a very nice guy as his wife, however this behavior made me feel very uncomfortable, he did it everyday, he asked me personal questions about boyfriends and such, I was just annoyed with him, he should have been working, I lied and told the family that being a nanny just wasn't for me, and stayed until they replaced me about a month later, I knew the husband knew, because once I gave my notice, he stopped, and you wouldn't believe what he did, he started inviting other women over, and going into his office and closing the doors and blinds, what a freak I thought, I decided against telling the mother because I didn;t want to the messenger of a broken heart, I felt bad that he was pretending to work, and while she busted her butt, she e-mailed me a couple times after that updating me on the baby's growth and sending pictures. I really do hope she is still happy.

Anonymous said...

How sad. For Mom and baby. And you.

I do hope this didn't jade you from still being a nanny, there's going to be both good and bad out there.

Anonymous said...

I have been hit on, went out with and dated TWO dads of children I took care of... in a daycare.

The first was just recently divorced... the second... well lets just say he was on his way to divorce (legally seperated) and he was sure his wife was dating... so we started dating (right after I quit the daycare).

We actually have been dating ever since and are a happy and healthy couple! I adore his kids and wouldn't turn back the decision if I was given all the money in the world.

So, yes, nannies/childcare workers, do sometimes fall in love with the daddies. :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds kinda sexy, kinda wrong.

Anonymous said...

9:51 I agree with you. What bothers me the most is that 7 years later she and the husband are exchanging " whistful smiles" and has the nerve to even step in this womans house.
It seems to think this was an affair? Well it wasn't. He used her a sex toy while his pregnant wife was bedridden. She was nothing more than a piece of ass to this guy. His whistful smiles are probably "OMG is she going to tell"? OMG is she going to black mail me? I am quite sure he is relieved when she leaves and wishes she would stay away.
This nanny is eating this womans food and taking her hospitality and all the while making a fool of his wife. I am quite sure he has no special place for her in his heart LOL She was just any old port inthe storm to him.