Received Thursday, February 14, 2008-Rant
I am a nanny with excellent references and great with the kids. I work for a family that started out very respectful and great towards me, as a result I was always there for them. Work early, work elate, work extra. Always. Never said no.
Now they are taking advantage.
As I write this, the dinner my husband and children prepared for me as a Valentine's treat is growing cold. Why? Because the parents can't be bothered to come home even a half hour late anymore. Now, it's more like an hour or two late. They used to call and ask if it was OK, if I could work late. I guess I said yes too many times because now they call AFTER they are already 40minutes late to tell me they won't be home until much later. When they hired me, I explained that I had my own family and it was very important to me. I chose to work for this family because we seemed to share the same ideals about the value of family time. Now I see more of their kids than I do my own and they never see their kids except on weekends! I have spoken to them, pleaded with them and already gave a month's notice once before. They gave me a nice raise and promised they wouldn't do it again. Everything was back to the way it was for a few months but now its right back to the same crap. The worst part is the kids and I are very attached to each other and it is going to be hard when I leave, but this time I am leaving no matter what they or the kids say. Right now, after typing this, I am doing something I NEVER would ever have dreamed of doing. Using the down time I have and my employer's computer to search for a new nanny position.
Parents, let this be a lesson. If you get a great nanny don't take advantage of us! You will only make it difficult on your kids because we tend to hang around longer than we should out of love for your kids and then they get more attached. We also leave on bad tems without caring about you or even your kids once pushed beyond our limit. Now, when I find a position I will start when they need me to start, with little or no notice if need be. It really hurts me to have to be like this and it's going to be hard to just leave the kids this way but I have been pushed to it. It's just as hard to hear my son ask me if he will see me tonight before he falls asleep and I tell him I hope so but know he won't.
Thanks, selfish parents, for also teaching me to be a hard ass when it comes to how far I will go for my next family.
The next time you guys see a lazy, uninterested nanny remember my post. I wonder how many bad nannies have been pushed to act that way because they are disrespected and treated like dirt. I know I would never be abusive or neglectful to any child but I am certainly not the nanny I was and will probably never be that way again. This is the second family that has taken advantage of my good nature but it will definitely be the last.
Thanks for letting me rant.
59 comments:
Perhaps they need a nanny for a couple of hours each evening from when you leave until they get home since your hours and your commitment to your family are set. Too bad they are taking you for granted. That can ruin about any kind of relationship- employer/employee, friends, even marriage.
That's a real shame that their behavior is going to turn you into one of "them" ... I mean, that's what you're saying right? The next time we see a lazy, uninterested Nanny - to think of you?
C'mon, you really don't mean that. Please remember, it's the Parents fault, NOT the kids.
Don't take your frustration out on them (or the next Family's kids), because you've been taken advantage of. You'll be lowering yourself to their standards.
Next time, don't allow (yes, allow) yourself to be taken advantage of ... that's YOUR fault. Put your foot down and make sure they treat you respectfully. And if it happens again ... just get out. Don't wait around until your angry and resentful!
You sound like a super Nanny, I can tell you DO care ... don't let this experience tarnish you.
AMEN NANNY! I too was treated this way with a family whom i loved, and the happened to be friends too. the coming home late started 15 minutes then went up to 2 hours late. and they werent even paying me for those hours. I kept track though. and finally i confronted them. and then they said well when we come home we are tired and dont want to have to take care of a baby.(why did they have her then?) i left, left them high and dry when they had to leave town the next day and had no one to care for the baby, do i regret it? not one bit, i have a family now who treats me very well!
people can only take advantage of you if you let them. you allowed them to do it so now they expect it. next time, don't even let it happen once.
You know what it is, its like our employers don't value our time as much as they value their own. If we are late to work or have to leave early, then it is an inconvience to them, but if they are late, then its not a problem because it doesn't affect them. I have this same issue with my employers and it only seems to be an issue when I have something important to do like go to class, or go take a final. However, if I need to leave 2 hours early one day to get important testing done that could potentially be a major health issue, its to much to ask you to getoff work early and take care of your children. Sorry Nanny, I'm with you there, our bosses should appreciate us so much more than they do!
10:19, I hear you too! I come in, sometimes as early as 5:30 am, UNPAID and I am always on time. I stay late when they need me to, but it has gotten to the point where they don't even call anymore as well. I have class 1 night a week this semester and I am always LATE! I told the parents my class started a 1/2 hour earlier than it did, and for some reason they can't ever seem to make it home on time.
Wow I wouldn't put up with these people. I also dang well charge for anytime I stay late. Move on these people will not change.
but then, as they say---
'two wrongs don't make a right'.
Communicate your grievances and if they aren't resolved, then find another position. It's too bad you have to be so sneaky to do hunt for another job, and I hope you don't take your discontent out on your charges.
Thank you! Finally someone sees the KIDS!
I know you're upset, but the kids are paying for the parents mistake!
I agree. They've been inconsiderate to you. Still, take the high road- quit on good terms, give notice, and let them feel like the chumps they are.
I too worked for a family who started off fine and gradually got horrible. Such a difficult profession to be in. Many parents, like the doctors I nannied for, see themselves as above a mere childcare worker. Their time, their finances, their kids in their eyes all have far greater value than yours. It is sad.
I'm glad you are leaving that family. They sound very inconsiderate. And to the person saying you should voice your problems to them, it sounds to me as if you already have! So it is time to leave.
Good luck, you'll do great!
There are good families out there, possibly in the same neighborhood you are in now who have seen how good you are with your current charges. Don't hurt your chances of finding one by leaving on less than professional terms. It will hurt your reputation as well as the kids you care for.
Start looking for a job with the goal of starting that next one in one month's time. Don't hop to a new family too soon just to get out of your current situation. You have to question parents who are looking to hire in a hurry--they may be on the receiving end of a situation like this and you don't want another family like the one you are leaving. Best candidates I interviewed always asked for references for us from former household employees. Plus, I am an employer who finds your current families behavior unexcusable, but would not hire someone who's leaving their current family without giving them time to make arrangements. Put some feelers out in the neighborhood- assuming you like the area you currently work in- and let other nannies and Moms you trust know that you are unhappy and thinking of leaving. If it's like my neighborhood there are always people waiting and willing to scoop up the better nannies (another reason your current employer's behavior is just dumb). Once you are comfortable you either have a good job lined up to go to or an alternative like temporary nanny work, give notice and discuss a transition plan with your current employer for the sake of the kids. Sounds like you are a good person who has been pushed too far, but you care for your charges and it will lesson your hurt if you do right by them.
Ohhh--I'm getting mad just writing these last words. I really want to slap your employers. Putting a nanny in this situation (whether she has kids of their own or not) is just emotional blackmail using their own kids as the pawns. I've seen it happen around here and I just don't get how a parent can do this to their kids, let alone someone who cares for them. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please don't let these jerks change anything about you. Don't become bitter and unattached. You should never withold the emotional bonds the children you care for need. Be very careful selecting your next family and set clear boundaries for the parents.
I hear you. This is why I'm leaving the nanny profession. I have an excellent education, stellar references and a true love for children. I'm utterly dependable and loyal even in the face of nanny poachers who offer more money.
But inevitably, my "wonderful" bosses begin to take advantage of me after awhile. Coming home late once in awhile becomes every night without any notice. More and more duties are heaped on me with no extra recognition or pay. I do communicate with them and I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of repeatedly. If it gets too bad, I leave. But the problem seems to be that it ALWAYS comes to that eventually. The more dependable and "irreplaceable" I become, the more they take me for granted.
With my degree, I could be making more money in another field. I've chosen to stay in this one because I find it rewarding. But it no longer feels as rewarding, so I'm on my way out. I'll do it right -- plenty of notice, staying in touch with my charges, etc. I'm not looking to screw anyone over. I'm just burned out: not on the kids, on the parents.
When I leave, there will be one less good nanny out there. Parents with nannies should always remember that the best nannies are in the profession because they choose to be, not because they have no other options. If you want us to continue choosing to nanny, make it worth our while (and I don't just mean financially).
Thanks for all the great advice.
I want to make a few things very clear.
They started out great and I mean great!
I interviewed with several families and chose this one because they seemed to really agree with me that family time was as important to them as me. I have been with them for almost 3 years, and this decline has been very gradual.
In the beginning, this family was completely awesome. They pay well, and don't get me wrong, they pay for the extra time I work. They would always be so respectful, calling well before my scheduled time to leave and asking if I could possibly stay later. Of course, wanting it help as much as I could, I always said yes. But later was always 15-20 minutes.
As a result The kids and I grew very attached. The mom sometimes asks me to bathe them, a task she always says she never let any of her other three nannies do. They both constantly praise me to the sky and tell me they couldn't functional as a family so well without me. Also, about a year into my tenure, they went through some major family issues and I was there for them whenever they needed. Again because I loved their kids and yes, them and I wanted to help out people I considered friends in need.
It all changed a little over a year ago. They still praise me and everything I mentioned. But one day the mom was not home by 6pm, my scheduled time to leave. I tried her cell and office and couldn't get her. At 6:45 she called and said she was so very sorry, she got stuck in a late meeting with an unexpected client. I told her it was OK theses things happen. Because it hadn't happened before in almost 2 years I thought it was a fluke, not the beginning of the norm.
After that, for the next 2 months the lateness increased. She started calling saying she was going to BE late, not can STAY I stay later. The lateness also expanded from the 15 minutes to where we are now.
I talked to her a few times, explaining I have commitments at which time she said the issues were only temporary and could I please try to understand, the kids love me, she can't look for another nanny, blah blah blah.
A few months ago I decided to give a month notice and look for another job. I told her so. She started crying...yes crying. Not out and out bawling, but tears in the eyes and all choked up. She and her husband sat me down the next day, told me how much their kids loved me and how much they liked me and couldn't dream of leaving their kids with anyone else. They increased my salary and said they had worked out arrangements with the grandparents in the area that if they had to be late one of the grandparents would just show up, they wouldn't even need to call me. That worked out fine for several months and I was so happy. Now we are back to the same crap. Last night when she called to be late again (BY 2 hours) I hung up then called the grandmother who told me she can't be ready on a whim she has her own life to and they had plans.
It's very easy to say not to let myself get taken advantage of, but really I am a strong, smart woman. I just was raised to try to be nice and helpful.
To those who think I should just leave, I need to have a job lined up with the right sort of family, I can't make this mistake again. The previous family took advantage in other ways. I am the type that if I have down time I will usually vacuum or dust or do things above my nanny duties. The other family went from thanking me so much for doing more than was expected to getting upset when I didn't do them .
I know I should take the high road but if I tell them I am quitting again, they will talk me into staying or at least try to using the kids to guilt me,. I love their kids as if they were my own nieces and nephews.
I would never take anger or resentment out on the children, but I can see how someone might lose interest. I no longer do all the little crafts and things I used to do. If we go to the park, I am still up on the jungle gym playing with the kids but I don't have the enthusiasm I used to.
I just wanted to rant a bit and try to make people realize that sometimes there can be a solid reason behind why a nanny looks disinterested or is irritated. Maybe she just got a call that yet another dinner with her loved ones will be missed because the parents she works for can't be bothered to consider that the nanny might have a life as well.
PS I am a former professional woman who left my lucrative corporate position to work with kids. SO to the person who said great nannies CHOOSE to be a nanny so right!
"they will talk me into staying or at least try to using the kids to guilt me"
They cannot make you do anything against your will. If you allow them to talk you into staying once again, you are wholly and completely to blame for the mess you get stuck in. And also guilty of choosing their family over your own.
Being helpful and loving does not mean being a doormat, or putting up with this disgraceful and inconsiderate treatment from your employers. It's your responsibility to draw the lines, and make sure they are respected.
"Three strikes and you're out" is not too harsh a rule to apply. You were generous to give them a second chance after originally giving notice. If you stay now, this pattern will just continue to repeat, over and over again.
They aren't going to treat you as they should because, quite simply, your needs are not nearly as important as their wants, You are just the hired help, no matter how you feel about their children.
Oh thank you! Reading this makes me feel better. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only person that feels this way about their nanny position. It's too bad because we aren't being agreeable b/c we like you parents, it's because we like your children and want good things for them, we think you suck, people!! You make us feel terrible about ourselves b/c when you come back from work just whenever you feel like it you are giving us the message that our services aren't worth much, and our time means nothing to you. My time is precious to me!! Please don't forget that your nanny is a working human being who needs time off, consistency, and who has a life and a family of her own. It is not fun to have to transition a new nanny into your home. And, you would not have to do it so often if you would treat the person who is RAISING YOUR CHILD the way she should be treated.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was on the verge of ranting to isawyournanny but saw your post !
I am in the same position right now and have just been offered a position by another family. It not only pays better, I also receive better benefits and it's a lot less work.
I would dearly love to tell the family exactly why I'm leaving but I want my references and why burn bridges?
Nannying is just like any job. Don't let parents use their kids to blackmail you (mind you, I also feel terrible about the little girl as I'm very attached to her but someone beat some sense into me). The responsibility of making sure they're ok belong to first and foremost the parents. The parents should make an effort to keep nanny happy because happy nanny= happy kids.
Whats more important your employers children or yours?? Your a mother and should put your children first. I hate to say this but its not your fault that they put their kids second in their lives.
Be the good nanny you are- and help find a solution.
Tell them you will help find someone to come in at 6 p.m. everyday.
There are lots of "nannies" on craigslist- I am sure you could find someone to come and relieve you each day.
If they don't like the idea-
then give your notice...
A good family is hard to find-
if this is the only problem- your best bet is to try to fix the ONE problem.
Good luck!
Look, even if she cries again and offers you even more money, please take note that they have already taken advantage of you. That means they are not as nice as they seem. They are well aware of what they are doing, they just think they'd get away with it.
Look for a new family. It's a nannies (provided you're mediocre-good!) market out there .
9:16pm Here, These familys dont pay attention to us and treat us like nothing. the family that took advantage of me. happened to be long time friends of mine. it got to the point that when i had things scheduled after work and they werent home yet, i would drive to thier office and drop the baby off to them. no they didnt like it, but im young i have a life too. The family i am with now, realizes that and treats me in ways i couldnt be more happier. if i need to be late i tell them they dont mind and they ask me a day in advance if i can stay late the next day. they also hooked me up with a friend of thiers who's kids i watch on my off days and they treat me great too. i have 2 great familys now and only work at most m-f though its usually m-th. they know how i was treated by my former family. and they go above and beyond to make sure im not treated like that again. They love it when i do extra stuff for them, but never expect it or get mad if it isnt done. OP get yourself a new family. you will be so much happier and your children will love you more for it, they need thier mommy and your employer needs to be forced to spend time with her kids cause they need thier mommy too
Thanks again for all the advice.
I talked it over with my husband and we decided I will give 3 weeks notice and leave. We will manage until I find another position. As I have lived in my hometown all my life and babysit on call for several families this reference is not crucial should they decide to withold a reference. I plan to be completely honest with the next family as to why I left. I will always love children, but no longer will anyone's child come before my own. I will make that completely clear to my next employers. I like the three strikes and your out plan and think I will definitely apply that to the next family.
Getting a nanny to take over was tried but didn't work out because no one you would want to leave with any child wants to be 'on call' for an hour or two only. The one candidate they settled on was rarely available. I am not expecting my talk tonight with the mother to go well and I am sure she will use her kids as a means to emotionally blackmail me but I spent last night and this morning preparing for that. I just keep telling myself that the parents caused any pain that their children might endure not me.
I will always give the children in my care 110%, but no longer will I go above and beyond the scope of the work I agree to. I will be available on occasion to work extra, but not always and will say no at least 50% of the time, even though I might actually be available. Finally, if they are going to be more than a half hour late unexpectedly, my next family will need to understand that they must have a back-up plan in place, a neighbor or relative that can either come here or that I can drop the kids off with. Of course, I will make allowances for emergencies such as bad weather or late running meetings but there will be an understanding that emergencies don't happen several times a week, nor is an emergency an old friend you haven't seen since college wants to have dinner, or you scored last minute tickets to a sold out Broadway show. In short, I will be a doormat no longer. Thanks everyone for helping me see the light.
2:51 ~ OP
Good for you! By the tone of your post, I'm surprised that anyone was able to take advantage of you!
You sound confident, secure and strong-willed ... how did you let it get away from you?
At least now you have an emotional agenda and I don't think you'll let the next Family will get away with it!
Let us know what happens with the Mom tonite, o.k.?
Just a guess, since I am not a nanny (though I used to babysit a lot before I had kids myself) - the reason that even strong, confident women get caught up in "bad" employment situations is very simple: they are attached to their charges. It's ironic and sad that some of the nannies seem to be more attached to the kids they watch than the kids' own parents are attached to them, but it happens, apparently. When the kids you sit for become "family", you will endure things you wouldn't endure in another type of job, for their sake. It seems very obvious to me.
I think there is a fundamental problem with paying someone to do the majority of childcare for your kids. I'm not saying it isn't *necessary* in our capitalist economy, at least for some families. But, while children do not necessarily need to be cared for mostly by their biological parents, they need continuity of care, and they need someone who will treat them like family, and who will not go away unpredictably. It's just not fair to kids. There are excellent nanny situations, but there is a big difference between, say, a grandma taking care of kids while the parents work, and a paid caregiver. There are so many weird issues that come up when the person doing this sensitive and important job is paid help rather than family.
Sorry, I don't know what the answer is, but this site fascinates me, and makes me so sad for most of the kids whose parents use nannies - even if their nannies are stellar, there is an almost 100% chance that for whatever reason that nanny will not be an ongoing presence in the child's life as they mature, and a better than average chance that this person who is so intimately attached to them will have to leave their lives rather suddenly, never to return.
It also seems that a surprising number of parents really don't take the job of parenting their children very seriously. Find a good nanny, and then come and go as you please without adequately considering either the nanny's need for a life or your children's need for your presence? That is a sad concept of parenting, indeed.
3:28-I agree with how some people think about those in the childcare profession, and how they view the profession as a whole. What you said reminds me of a doctor I talked to about a nanny position. He said the position would be ending once they moved. I asked him when the family would be moving, and he wouldn't tell me, since he didn't want too much information out there. He also asked me if I was physically fit, in shape, how much I weighed, and did I smoke. He then asked me about my job that I held at the time, which was retail. He asked me "are you a mangager or supervisor?" I told him no, that I was a cashier with a lot of seniority in the department. He said, "a cashier? You are a cashier? Don't you think that is a low paying job, suitable for a high school student?" I explained to him that it paid well, and he says, "I find it hard to believe that an adult would have such a low, demeaning job." Out of the blue, he asked me how I would handle his preschool aged daughter, should she not listen. The example he gave me was that of a child that was a conrete block, in which what would I do if his child didn't listen, and stood there. I answered the question as best I could, to which he insulted me again. Finally, I politely excused myself and hung up the phone. I shook my head and realized that no matter what I do, I will always be me. It is amazing as to how people act with or without a degree, how they can put someone down just because of a job.
MPP-I am a very strong willed, confident woman. 4:11 hit the nail on the head. I felt like part of the family, loved the kids and therefore, got trapped. As I mentioned earlier they also went through a rough patch with one of their kids being diagnosed with special needs, having to fight for services etc. I felt for them and the struggle they were facing. However, once they got through that period it was like 'OK, we have this great motherly person who loves our kids so we are free!' I understand that I allowed the situation to happen and get out of hand, but I would have thought once I brought it to their attention they would have respected me even more after all I had done.
Anyway, Gotta pick the kids up from their after school activities, but I will definitely let you know how it goes.
I don't have the luxury of having a nanny; instead my kids attend an afterschool program housed within their school. If I am more than five minutes late, they charge $1 per MINUTE I am late. Two hours would translate to a $120 fee--plus charges for any phone calls they have to make to track me down. This was also standard in their preschools and other childcare situations they have been in.
Perhaps you could negotiate something similar for your situation? Like any other job, you are entitled to respect and resonable compensation for anything that was not a part of the original bargain--overtime pay (the standard in other industries is time and a half), comp time, penalties to the parents, what ever works best for you.
In your next job, I hope you establish a "Late Policy" BEFORE day one--and stick to it! You're worth it and it will be better for everyone involved. Yes, things do come up and there will be "flukes," but someone else's emergency should not become yours.
Well, I talked to the mother and as expected, it went horribly. At one point she turned to her children and said "Nanny X doesn't want to come here anymore." The little girl asked why and the mom said "I guess she doesn't like us anymore" I got so angry after that. I realize now what a manipulative bitch she really is. She also berated me for giving so little notice. But anyway it's done.
I like the idea of late fees. I just don't want to seem completely inflexible but also not a push over. I'll mull it over this weekend and post what I come up with. THANKS!
Totally off topic, but I have a question for 9:47 or anyone in this position. I have had a career outside of childcare int he past. Recently, I have been looking again for a position outside of childcare. It appears as if the employers that I am interviewing with don't take my childcare experience seriously. Have any of you had this problem? How did you overcome it or get past it? Any tips on changing career paths?
Thanks in advanced!
Wow, that mom truly is a bitch if she did that to her kids out of spite and anger towards you. It's one thing if she is a bitch to you, quite another to make her kids think someone important to them doesn't like them!! You now see this woman's true colors, ugh. I'm so sorry and best of luck with a future job.
Hello OP,
Sounds to me like you came out 'the better person' here. Kudos to you.
I have had that problem. many many times. all too often people tell me i dont have a real job, cause im not sitting behind a desk typing on a computer all day long and answering phones. but i tell them my job is probably more real and demanding than your job. I dont get breaks during the day i dont get a lunch hour. i cant go out and have a ciggy if i want (BTW I dont smoke)even when the kids are napping, I am doing something around the house. at the end of the day i come home so exhausted i barely get to eat dinner before passing out.
What a horrible parent. How can she do that to her child, let alone you? It blows my mind that a parent would do that. I'm sorry this whole thing happened to you, but it just validates you did the right thing. Good luck and god bless.
OP
Write those chldren goodbye letters with a better explaniation for why you're leaving than the one "mommy dearest" gave them. That was horrid. I guess she's only nice when she is getting her way. Good luck!
9:45, that's a great iea but that selfish, nasty excuse for a mother would probably just throw out the letters and not even tell the kids she had written. She sounds like one of those divorcing parents who will just fill the kids' heads with vicious lies about the nanny, out of spite and frustration.
I am sorry you are getting walked over, and I hope if you continue to be a nanny, you find a family that treats you well. The last family I worked for was literally psychotic, and I was very jaded when I left. It is hard to continue to want to be a great nanny (when looking for a new job, I mean), when the parents treat you like crap.
I did want to point out though that there is just no excuse for a bad, careless, insensitive, and lazy nanny. It's like saying cheating on a spouse is okay because you don't love them anymore.... Cut the tie and move on with your life, but don't compromise your good character because of someone else's irresponsibility ya know? (Not saying YOU are lazy and such... just saying there really is no excuse for it, no matter how mean or rude the parents are.)
My sister has a nanny from another country, not even an American- and my sister and brother in law know that if they are 15 minutes late, they owe the nanny an hour- and that is IF they call. If they don't call, it's double. Their nanny flat out refuses to work late, and guess what- my sister works around it. My nanny is kind of wishy woshy. She often leaves me guessing as to how she feels about this or that. My sister suggests that she does so intentionally to keep me on guard, jumping around and trying to find something that will please her.
And on the flip side, we have this professional nanny getting abused. Why does it seem good employers never find the good nannies and good nannies never find the good employers?
OP,
What a horrid thing to say to her children!
I'm so glad you are quitting, and good luck in finding a new family that will truly appreciate you. You sound like a wonderful nanny.
11:23 Just because your nanny does not spend the day laying down the law to you doesn't mean she doesn't expect you to stick to the terms of her employment. The safe assumption for all employers and employee is that you have an agreement as far as duties and hours and you stick to it. Period. Or, if your needs have changed so that you need more assistance than you originally scoped out in the agreement, renogotiate, and expect to pay more if you are asking for more. Personally, I am a fan of written agreements, but if you don't like them, jot down the job duties/tasks in a notebook and review them periodically to see if the job has or needs to change.
8:40 -- 9:47 here. I haven't started the interview process yet, so I don't have any seasoned advice. But I can tell you that I'm anticipating the same thing and that I'm trying to prepare for this. That's why I agreed in December to sign on for another year. (I do like my job, and my employers aren't nearly as bad as many. I just know I'm ready to move on after this year.)
I'm preparing to handle this two ways.
1) I'm looking for opportunities to get in relevant experience when I can. I'm taking a six-month college course starting in May to get some extra education(and resume fodder) in the field I'm looking to enter. And I'm looking some volunteer work in the field as well. I think that come next December, I'll have some good, RECENT experience and education for my resume and interviews.
2) I'm preparing answers and talking points to help them understand that nannying is a profession, not just a "break from working" or whatever. As a nanny, I do a lot of lesson plans, curriculum development, etc. Also, it IS a real job -- I have to be punctual, reliable, etc. It's not like I'm lounging at home with my dog. I have to be up, dressed and at work ready for my day -- often by 5-6 am, so it's not like I'm sleeping in. I have conversations like this pretty frequently with people who ask me if I'm still "babysitting" or whatever, so I'm used to explaining that nannying is not only a job but also a career.
Hi 9:40, Thanks for the quick response and good advice. I have been looking on and off for about a year or so. I too love my job, however, it's time for me to do something different. I feel like the longer I stay in this profession, the harder it will be for me to relaunch a new career.
I am reading a book called "Back On The Career Track", written by two mom's that re-entered the work force. I am hoping to get some pointers from the book. Although I am not a mom, I figure that perhaps there are some tips in the book that can help.
Good Luck!
who's 9:40?
Wow, this Mom has issues! I know you must feel bad right now for the little girl, but you did the right thing. No matter how long you would have stayed and endured the situation for the child, you would not have 'saved' her from the life she was born into.
Sorry, 9:47.
Dear OP:
You're passive aggressive. Don't say "yes" all the time and then simmer and stew. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
10:24
Hmmm, great comment. Never heard it put that way.
10:24 -- the problem is, you can't say no if they don't ask.
There are times I absolutely need to leave on time -- because I have other plans, because I don't feel well, because...whatever. And if they were to ask me if I could stay late, I would absolutely say no. But when they just don't show up and then call a half hour after they are supposed to be home and say they still haven't left the office, which is 45 minutes away, what can I do? Dump the baby on the neighbor's door step? When they get home, I make it clear that I am upset because I've had to cancel or rearrange plans due to their lack of planning, but by that point it's already too late. They always apologize and say it will never happen again. And then three or four weeks later, here we go again.
Part of the reason parents choose to have a nanny is for the flexibility. And I AM willing to be flexible. I don't mind staying late or coming in early occasionally. I just don't want them to ASSUME that it will be fine without asking me. I want them to take into consideration that I am a person with a life that doesn't revolve around them. Should I be forced to start saying no even when I really don't mind staying, just so they don't assume it's okay ALL the time? That seems ridiculous, but it's what I've started doing. I hate it, but it seems to be the only thing that gets through their thick skulls.
One of the main reasons I walked away from being a nanny was because of being walked on. I have had all 3 previous families slowly get later and later at getting home. What sucks is that I truly loved all my children. I made lame excuses to 2 families and therefore I still have contact with the kiddos (grammys sick ,need to care for her etc...) One of my families I just gave notice and made no bones about why I was quitting...they went from wonderful to HORRIBLE in 3 months after 2 years...they never have allowed me to speak to the little one let alone see her, and that breaks my heart. The only joy I have is knowing that her mom will kick the bucket before me (almost 60 when she had her) and I will get to see her again!
Jeez, why even have a child at that age if you're going to hand them off to a nanny? Why not just retire early?
Talk about an older mom. Thats too old. Come on.
I just turned 31 when I had my son, and I felt old.
Me, too! But you know what? They say parents that have kids in their 30's are much more intelligent and better behaved.
I already lived MY life, and have no regrets.
Right now I'm enjoying my kids and am so glad I waited.
By the way, over 1/2 of the parents in my sons school are in my age bracket.
So I don't feel so old!
To 4:11pm, I REALLY agree with you. I feel so strongly about this.
I agree with you as I have a similar fascination with this website for the same reasons.
You were so on-target when you said,"I think there is a fundamental problem with paying someone to do the majority of childcare for your kids. I'm not saying it isn't *necessary* in our capitalist economy, at least for some families. But, while children do not necessarily need to be cared for mostly by their biological parents, they need continuity of care, and they need someone who will treat them like family, and who will not go away unpredictably. It's just not fair to kids. There are excellent nanny situations, but there is a big difference between, say, a grandma taking care of kids while the parents work, and a paid caregiver. There are so many weird issues that come up when the person doing this sensitive and important job is paid help rather than family.
Sorry, I don't know what the answer is, but this site fascinates me, and makes me so sad for most of the kids whose parents use nannies - even if their nannies are stellar, there is an almost 100% chance that for whatever reason that nanny will not be an ongoing presence in the child's life as they mature, and a better than average chance that this person who is so intimately attached to them will have to leave their lives rather suddenly, never to return."
I'm a huge feminist and fan of women having equal rights, etc. and I even think society would be better off reorganized with more equality.
I also think that parents/family/etc. are the best people to raise their children! It is so much healthier for the child that their main caregiver is a constant in their lives over a long long period of time, like through life.
Of course people oftentimes absolutely must work and sometimes it is impossible to have family, etc. raising one's kids. This is a given for many families. Obviously, people who are poor or not well off must work. It is a fact of life.
However I am astounded that SO MANY people really DON'T have to work and voluntarily have a series of paid strangers as their children's main caregivers. It is a strange thing. Thank you, 4:11 for giving voice to this point of view that I think it very spot on.
anon @421,
Why don't you pick a moniker so I can keep track of your antics on this blog? I like what you say. It makes sense to me.
4:21 is probably Chick.
4:21: First, let me say, I am a working Mom with a full time nanny. But, a great nanny is very much a part of a child's life, well into adulthood. Here is my family's history/experience with nannies:
My background: My Irish grandmother was a nanny. She was first generation, hard working (she worked nights in a theater and days as a nanny to make money to care for her five kids after her husband passed). She was strict but loving and the best woman I have and will ever know. She raised her children, three sets of grandchildren and two sets of charges as a nanny. She remained part of her charges lives even after her employment ended. Holidays included our family as well as her "nanny family" and her charges were like her cousins growing up. They were invited to mine and my brother's and sister's weddings and I still see them several times a year.
My husband's background: He, his sister, and his brother were raised by a wonderful loving Jamaican nanny who at first lived in his family home, then brought her two children to live with them too, and finally moved out to her own home. She was at our engagement party, wedding, at our children's baptisms and we have hired her to stay at our home to watch our kids while we went away for weekends once a year before we went to nanny care. We have gone to her daughter's and her son's weddings. They are a wonderful family and my husband is still very attached to her even though he is in his late 30's.
Based on both our experiences, a nanny is very much a part of their child's life long after their employment ends. When we hired a nanny, it was a rough road because of our experiences. We both had VERY high expectations of the nanny/child/family relationship based on our histories, and many nannies are, understandably, not looking for that close a relationship with their employers. But, we eventually found a great fit for us. I can't imagine how we got by before her and I can't imagine her not being part of my children's lives going forward.
Sounds great. But I think thats the rare exception for the nanny/employer friendship beyond babysitting. I worked for someone a couple of years. After the job ended on good terms. They didn't need me anymore. I never heard back from them. I even lived with them in California for six months. Who would think after being with their child as an infant, and seeing the second child born this would happen.
Not me.
Maybe, thirty years ago the world was different. Nannies were treated as family. Or if a nanny had a family they were able to have their kids accompany them at times.
Nowadays, especially in wealthier areas you mention if you can bring your child too to work. Most will say no I rather pay for one on one care. Kinda of sad if you ask me. Teaches people to only care about themselves.
Hi, I am 4:21. I keep trying to think of a moniker but haven't thought of a creative one I like.
No, I'm not chick!
To 10:17pm, I think that your family has had wonderful experiences. That is truly great. However, this is really the exception rather than the rule. Certainly what you describe is terrific. But it is such a rarity today. Today, the norm for those children who have nannies is that the nannies are with the family for a few years at best, then there is a new nanny.
I'm glad you like my comments, people! I will continue to try to think of a fitting moniker but until I can do that I will remain anonymous!
I have a cute one!
How about "SuperFem"? ☺
You said you were a huge feminist and believe in equal rights!
...just a thought. lol
sounds like you feel guilty about leaving your children just as your employers are leaving theirs...and the only way someone can take advantage of you is if you let them.
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