20 November, 2007

At first, I declined his advances...

Received Tuesday, November 20, 2007- Perspective & Opinion
?I need advice from moms and nannies! I am a nanny who started working for a family right out of High School at nearly 18. I was smart in school but not enugh for a full scholarship and we are poor so college was out for me. Financial aid does not provide enough so the plan was to work a few years, save and then go to college.

All went well for the first year. The mom travels frequently, She is A PR person for a large firm, he is a doctor. Then, once when the mom was traveling the dad started acting very nice to me. He seemed to take an interest in me. He began paying me a lot of attention. It seemed innocent but then it got more intense. At first, I declined his advances but he was so persistant telling me I was sexy and beautiful and he wanted the honor of being my first. He told me he was madly in love with me. I know it was wrong and stupid, but I slept with him. We have had an ongoing affair for the past 25 months In that time, he has bought me nice clothes, a decent car, and gotten me a subtle makeover. I was once a chubby, plain girl and now I look nice and instead of dressing in Wal Mart I dress in Bloomies and Nordstrom. He has been paying for me to take some classes too as he knows college is a dream for me. But after working for the family all this time I have begun to feel really horrible about this. Also, since beginning psycology classes I realize I was manipulated by a man who saw an easy mark. I was very young, sheltered and had low self-esteem. I have begun looking for other jobs, because I can't take betraying the mom like I have been. I have enough saved to go to school now without help as long as I work part-time. I have recently ended the affair although he still pressures me saying he is going crazy without being able to have me. I once thought I loved this man and that he loved me, but now he sickens me because he acts so loving towards his wife yet the moment she is away he is looking to me for sex. My question, should I tell the wife what has been going on? Please no hate mail and lectures, I know what I did was horrible and I was a stupid girl. I just wonder if I owe it to the wife to tell her or not...thanks for your advice in advance.

109 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think you should tell the wife
It's the husbands responsibility
I think you should leave before things get out of hand ( or more out of hand than they are already)
The wife probably knows if it's been going on for two years anyways

just leave

frmr nanny now a mom said...

I suspect this post is bullshit.
However, if its real, get out of that job immediately, it is the only thing that will even come close to putting right what you have done. Im sure that this man was manipulative but you cant tell me you didnt know what you were doing was exceptionally wrong. I will refrain from ripping into both you and the dad, im sure plenty of others will do that.

Anonymous said...

Don't tell the wife. Why hurt her twice? It's their relationship, and if he's chronically unhappy, it will manifest itself again and she'll figure it out.

I'm not one for lecturing on morality because it's stupid and pointless, and when it comes to sexuality I figure most everything consensual is moral. However, I will say that you need to remember an important proverb for the future: Don't shit where you eat.

Anonymous said...

My girlfriend had the same problem with a Chinese nanny she hired. The nanny kept hitting on her husband, even offered to give him a massage. She got rid of that nanny.

I suspect the nanny flirted back with the husband, letting him think he can get away with it.

The only one who suffers are the wife and children.

Anonymous said...

I'm assuming this is for real. It does happen when predator and prey collide.

Don't tell the wife; it's between the two of them. And get yourself out of there IMMEDIATELY!

Yes, you did something very wrong, but you know the difference now, and it's just as important to get out of there so that you can move on and respect yourself as it is to leave before any more harm is done.

You can only make things worse for yourself, the family, and the wife if you stay. (Hubby is on his own -- yes, you were wrong, but he chose his prey carefully.)

She may know he fools around, and she may deliberately close her eyes; if not, she'll just hate you and "forgive" her husband. In any case, she will probably blame you -- not him.

Women in this position are not known for being rational. See 12:36 -- no way it was just the nanny's fault!

There's nothing positive to be gained by confessing to her. You might feel better, but, in your new maturity, you probably realize that this is a comfort you should forego. Your doctor pal took an oath to "do no harm" when he signed on as an MD -- it doesn't mean anything to him, obviously, but it's not a bad guideline for you in this situation.

Go quickly and gracefully, and make the life you deserve for yourself -- next time, find a guy who respects himself enough to respect you. And who isn't concurrently entangled.

Anonymous said...

I smell a troll.

Anonymous said...

Get all the evidence you need, tell her about the clothes car sex etc. but not in person just give it to her in a folder and leave asap and never go back. she'll be furious and he'll be to blame.

Meme said...

This post could not be more fake. Come one people. Don't you have something better to do?

Anonymous said...

Get yourself a new job and be done with them.
Telling her will only make you feel better. I am certain you are not his first or last affair.
If she is not willing to accept what is going on in her own home, she will not believe you.
Just be grateful you aren't married to a guy like this.

Sue Doe-Nim said...

I'm thinking it's a BS post but, no, you should not tell the wife if you ever plan on working again.

If you were fucking my husband and I had your social security number I'd give it away to the first illegal immigrant I saw and then to the second drug dealer in hopes that your identity would be stolen.

That would be the starting point. After that I'd get around to the business of punishing you.

You fucked someone's husband, granted he's a piece of shit but we do know that water rises to it's own level.

I'd leave quickly and quietly and hope and pray that she's a nicer woman than I am (I suspect she isn't).

Anonymous said...

Is this post for real? The maturity of this post is that of a 12 year old girl's, not that of someone who is over 18.

Alecto said...

run like hell and don't look back.

Anonymous said...

*cough*bullshit*cough*

Anonymous said...

*cough*bullshit*cough*

Anonymous said...

use him and use his money....dont worry.. wife is stupid...
dont worry enjoy his money and sex...dont worry....after its over write a book...and make more money...
she is dumm women and should wake up ...maybe she knows about it and does not care...why should you..
have fun

Anonymous said...

This could very well be fake. What is not fake however is the number of nannies who rub their firm young bodies up against the father or even the mother's boyfriend, assailing the father with knowing glances, licking her lips seductively as she finds ways to illustrate the mother's incompetence or lack of sexuality.
That book is being written and finally many of you will understand why so many women hire overweight nannies from the Islands.

Anonymous said...

well maybe if you were a better wife and had a classy husband they won't be sleeping together. also, i know of so many marriages where the successful, rich, well-educated husband marries the nanny. i kid you not. so weird but it happens all the time even in the suburbs!!

Anonymous said...

2:35 receives Post of the Day.

No working woman in her 30s wants to hire a woman who's better looking and more nurturing than she is.

Anonymous said...

Does not sound like a recent high school grad who didn't go to college. TROLL.

Anonymous said...

So the wife thought the clothes and car came from fairies? FAKE

Anonymous said...

Dont tell the wife and get out of there asap.

And for those of you saying the post is fake, who cares even if it is, its entertainment, if you dont like it dont read it. geez

Anonymous said...

Didn't the wife ask you about the car, make over and college classes? The wife must be nieve.

Sarah and Mitch said...

Pretty sure this is a fake post.


Get a life, loser.

cali mom said...

I agree about the supposed wife. The college classes she might assume nanny was paying for herself but a CAR? Unlikely. And unless she was paying nanny a bundle, I'd think the sudden appearance of Bloomies stuff would raise an eyebrow, unless she's a complete idiot.

Anonymous said...

I am the original poster.

They pay me well and they know I was saving for college and trying to better myself. The mother made a few comments how I look better and appear much more professional. The car was not fancy just a good, used Ford less than 5 years old, something I could have afforded on my own if I really tried. I spend most of my free time working for the family so it's possible I bought the things for myself with money I saved.

I have to make it clear I never flirted with this man or made any suggestions to him. I was always unpopular in school. Chubby with few freinds and never a boyfriend. I am not sure I would know how to flirt with anyone, especially a doctor who has seen the world. Also, English is my second language and I try very hard to write and speak properly, so that's why my writing might seem a bit off or simple. Compared to his wife, I am overweight and ugly so Hiring a nanny who is not as attractive as you are doesn't mean your husband will not stray. As I learn more about how the human mind works I realize what happened had nothing to do with my looks or his physical attraction to me but that I was an easy target because I was young, inexperienced and stupid.

I gave my notice today. The mom was upset but I just told her it was so I could take more classes. Thanks for the advice.

Anonymous said...

Also, To address the expensive things a bit more in detail, I eat most of my meals with the children and live at home rent free, when I was not living in there so I had very few expenses. There are people I know in my neighborhood on public assistance that wear nice clothes and drive nicer cars!

Anonymous said...

Yep, probably fake.
But I am a live in nanny and make a very good salary. My expenses are paid so I have a lot of disposable income. You can bet I come in with Bloomindales and Saks bags and my boss - well - why would she care where I shop?

Anonymous said...

11:23
That irks me to no end ... these are people that have the system figured out and know how to collect assistance illegally. Why should they be allowed to not work, drive brand new cars and collect food stamps.

Anonymous said...

If you really want to get him for taking advantage of you ... report him to the AMA. That'll ruffle some feathers.

meg said...

1226-
DOCTORS NEED LOVE TOO!

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who was in the same position but she quit after awhile never telling the wife why.

Meme said...

OP (11:20)...if this is all true. I commend you for doing the right thing snd leaving this job. Hopefully you will be more cafeful and mature in the future. Best of luck to you.

Anonymous said...

MeMe thanks! I definitely have grown up a lot and believe me I will never be such a fool again!

I don't want to report him as I was wrong in this as well and from what I hear he is a very good doctor.

Thanks everyone for all the advice and have a great Holiday!

Anonymous said...

If this were remotely true, which I am quite sure it's not, you should definitely not tell the mother but do immediately start a blog and eventually sell the story to Oprah and of course eventually a movie deal. It'd be better though if you shot the wife first, but didn't kill her, like the whole LI lolita thing. That'd probably make the story worth more.

sv said...

never.decline.advances.
rich men are always willing to pay for it. it makes them feel better.

Anonymous said...

so SV ...
How much did your self respect cost you?

Anonymous said...

Some of you ladies seem to be blaming the wrong person. The person to blame here is the husband. He's the one who promised to COMMIT to the marriage. He's the one who broke it. He took advantage of a young, insecure lady. 'nuff said.

Anonymous said...

It's very distasteful to see OP portraying herself as a victim.
So you didn't flirt? Who cares. You slept with the guy for two years, and took money and gifts in exchange. Prostitution is the word for that.
Do you really think you were too young and naive to know any better? If so, you had no business presenting yourself as a person competent to take care of children. Only a mental incompetent wouldn't know better than to do that. You don't even take responsibility for your part in this, which means you have little to no remorse and are a danger to any other family that you may come into contact with.

I think you should tell the wife so she can know what a creep she is married to. She deserves better and deserves the opportunity to choose for herself whether she wants to stay married to a cheat. He could give her a disease.

mom said...

11:13
Just for the record...I'm not a bit impresseed with either the husband or the nanny here.
If that were my husband I would want to know so I could get his sorry cheating behind out of my house and out of my life PRONTO. Cheaters tend to be of very low moral caliber and tend to be repeat offenders. Who needs that?!(Not to mention the many potential health risks in having a husband who sleeps with trampy women.)

Nanny doesn't sound like she's going to be winning any character awards any time soon either. There are a lot of creepy men out there who hit on women all the time. It's what they do. All she had to say was "no." Ladies, if you don't learn that word, you're going to find yourself having sex with all kinds of creepy men throughout the course of your life...and it won't be THEIR fault for asking.

cutefemmegirl said...

I'm really trying to look at both sides here. Is the young Nanny a victim? Maybe. Is the Husband a low-down, dirty cheat? Yes. So, if I were to choose who carries more guilt, it's obviously the Husband ... the Doctor, the 'Piller of the Community'. He should've known better. But that isn't to say the Nanny should assuage her part in this. She accepted gifts and money, and that is what makes her not so much a victim in the end. Truthfully, the only people I feel sorry for are the Wife and Kids.

Anonymous said...

Amen, 8:20.

Whether she knows that he's actively cheated on her or not, the wife undoubtedly does know is that hubby isn't pulling his share in the relationship, one way or another. He's probably done this before-guys who grock on this kind of stuff cheat in lots of ways.

The wife has probably avoided confronting hiim on the poor quality of the marriage because she likes her social standing and the financial benefits herself. Her choice, but then she has to live with the results, too. And yes, 1:23, there's a word for that: prostitution.

1:13 is absolutely right-HUBBY made the commitment to the wife, the nanny didn't. The nanny should stay out of their relationship -- in every way. It's between the husband and wife.

The wife almost certainly knows he's a sleazeball, even if she doesn't know exactly how and when. It's her job in the marriage to confront him on his failures to keep up his side; if she doesn't, that's part of the implicit deal between husband and wife, and no one else's business.

If the nanny were foolish enough to tell the wife, she'd just be adding another dimension of complication to the issue. It wouldn't change the dynamics between hubby and wife -- it would just give the wife another person to hate, and another distraction to use to avoid fixing a bad marriage.

But in any case, it's not up to the nanny to deal with the marriage dynamics. It's her job to take her new-found sense of self and make her own life better and more honest, which she seems to be doing.

mom said...

Ladies,
If you were the wife in this situation, wouldn't you rather KNOW? Even though it would hurt, I am confident that I would rather live my life with my eyes open, pain and all, than plod along living a lie in ignorant "bliss." Wifey can still stay with him if she chooses, but I think she should have all the facts before her when planning her future.
Believe it or not, there ARE times when the wife has no clue what her husband is really like. It sounds like this guy is a real scumbag. He carried this on for a long time, used the family resources to buy gifts for this girl, and is still pursuing her for sex today. It's not like he loves his wife desperately, slipped up one drunken night, is beating himself up with remorse, and plans never to do it again. He's got serious character flaws.

OP, I think you ought to let her know. If you're scared, send a letter after you are away from them for good. This marriage isn't going to last, and she deserves the dignity of ending it herself and on her terms, if she so chooses.

Anonymous said...

OP here!

So many people are split on if I should tell the wife or not even among my new found nanny friends.

On one hand, I see the point of people who say the wife has a right to know and on the other hand I see the point of those who say she shouldn't be hurt.

And those who say I have accepted no blame in this, they obviously have a harder time with English comprehension than I do because I have said more than once I realized how very wrong I was. But I can't go back and undo my mistakes and I am through beating myself up over them. Whats done is done. All I can do is make things right and learn from the past which I am trying to do and have.

As for calling me a prostitute and whatever if that makes you happy so be it. Enjoy yourselves. If you think that makes me feel any worse over this than I have felt on my own it doesn't. I have met plenty of wives in this profession who are with men they hate because of their fancy cars, big homes and designer clothes so i guess they are protitutes as well because regardless of if you are married or not if you are sleeping with a man because of his money then that makes you a protitute. At least I truly thought this man and I were in love.

The mom told me she wanted to look at getting an older nanny next time because she is worried another young one would want to quit to get ahead in life and she wants her children to have someone stable but the husband told her he wants another young nanny to be a friend to his kids. I think he just wants another girl like me to start all over again. I am counting the days until I am out of there andcan leave all of it behind.

MaryPoppin'Pills said...

OP
Please don't portray yourself as the victim here. You asked for what you got. It shouldn't have taken you 25 months to figure it out. I hope you enjoy your new car while the wife and kids fumble over their future, they are the real victims here.

Anonymous said...

OP, when I first read the post I was convinced that you should not tell the wife as it would bring about a lot of unwanted pain. But now I realize that this guy is a predator, waiting to play the same game again. Someone (I am really thinking everyone) should know. Is there anyone close to the family that you can trust with this? In any case, I don't think you should confront the wife in person - it would be hard on her (and on you, too). A letter after you have gone may be the best way. Please be careful next time.

Anonymous said...

Is it me, or did it seem like OP was kind of bragging about her "Bloomies" and "Nordstrom", etc. Do victims brag like that?

mom said...

OP I'm begging you one more time to tell the wife.
People may say she doesn't deserve to be hurt...and she doesn't. But she IS BEING HURT. She just doesn't know it...yet.
Think of this man like a cancer. Cancer is typically is at work hurting people for a very long time before they ever feel it or find out. Not knowing about it may make the victim feel happier in the short run, but when it finally comes out their world does come crashing down just the same. Only the more time that has passed in "ignorant bliss", the more damage has been done.
Believe me. I have seen this kind of thing enough times now. This guy is not going to be a good husband to her once you are gone. He will (and probably has been all along) take up with other young girls and women. He may victimize patients who come to him. He will most certainly go for the next nanny. Other girls will be victimized by him if you keep quiet. That will be on you. His wife may end up with a horrible disease. If she has no knowledge of his extracurricular sexual activities and this happens to her, that will also be on you. You have participated enough in harming this woman who trusts you. You say you are sorry. Prove it by doing the right thing for her now. It may be embarrassing, but so what. Stop hurting her and help her now. Send a letter. Send an e-mail. Send them anonymously if you must (but be willing to tell her that, yes, it is true, when she asks you.) Don't trust the information to one of her friends. Time to stand up and do the right thing.
None of us has the right to decide what is the right thing for this wife except for the wife herself. I can't imagine any of us here saying, "I would rather not know." We might rather it wasn't true, but that's an entirely different thing.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Lets face it...your a WHORE- not only are you a whore, but to everybody reading and posting comments, it takes two!!

The husband and the sitter are lowlives..
The fact that anyone should only blame the sitter(you whore)needs their head examined- I suppose no one can truly follow one of the Ten commandments!

You fake victim, you!

cali mom said...

mom said "None of us has the right to decide what is the right thing for this wife except for the wife herself. "
Except you, apparently.

9:09, it's YOU'RE. Jeez, do 95% of people manage to get a high school diploma without having figured this one out?

Anonymous said...

Listen 9.47... you are probably a wife who has been cheated on...
wow, you seem so taken by my comment!

Go f*#@ yourself!
H.S. diploma? Yes..
I am a Graduate w/ a Masters degree in early childhood psychology..

What in hell does a diploma have to do w/ it idiot?
she is a whore the husband is cheater- I am merely responding to the article not anyones comments..
get some glasses!

mom said...

Yes, I think she should have all the facts about her life and have the opportunity to make her major life decisions based on ALL of the information.
I would not want somebody else to decide how much information about my own life would be best for me to have. The nanny is talking and other people know. The wife deserves to know too. Part of what seems to really hurt these women is realizing that they are "the last to know."

Anonymous said...

9:47
Cali mom - Is that you?

mom said...

In the last year I have seen three women just outright dumped by their husbands for other women. They all claim to be completely dumbfounded by their husbands' infidelity. Two of the three husbands have since been proven to have been serial cheaters. (Jury still out on the third.) These women are not only devastated, but also humiliated. Had they known about the original infidelities perhaps they would have had the dignity of leaving before they were dumped. At the very least, they would have been on the lookout for future infidelities and may not have been taken so off guard.
PS It's a real treat to watch what their children are going through too.

cali mom said...

11:24...Um, yes, that's me. That's why I signed the post with my name, as I always do. Did you wonder if that was the psycho name grabber again?

Illiterate anon at 10:23 and 9:09, not sure what your jealous fantasies regarding my husband have to do with your supposed degrees. I guess when psychoanalyzing toddlers, a basic grasp of English grammar and spelling is considered optional. I'd say that I'm sure you're good at what you do, except that I just read YOUR over the top angry (uneducated sounding) rant at me for having pointed out YOUR confusion regarding the posessive vs. the contraction.

I'd tell you also to "Go f*#@ yourself" but I wouldn't want to deprive your chihuahua of his nightly pleasures. Or you of yours.

I thoughtthissitewasaboutnannies? said...

what a bunch of tacky pathetic losers! This site would be funny if it weren't so ugly. You people need to grow up or perhaps find hobbies? All this negative energy you expund here could be better used. I wonder what kind of miserable lives you lead when you spend so much time ranting like lunatics on here?

marypoppin'pills said...

12:29 Cali mom
lmao!
Yo quiero Taco Bell!
Poor chihuahua!

marypoppin'pills said...

2:44
I have read your post twice ... but I can't quite figure out what 'expund' means. Do you think perhaps you meant "expend"?
Anyways, if we bother you so much, why did you take the time and 'expend' so much energy writing a scathing post, doing exactly the same thing?

Anonymous said...

I still wouldn't tell the wife. She DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW. She will not want to believe you. Your reputation will be ruined. You will probably never be able to nanny again.

Shut up , get out and save yourself.

marypoppin'pills said...

C'mon, would a wife REALLY not know that her husband was boffing the Nanny for 25 months, right under her nose, and not suspect a thing? She'd really have to have her head up her arse. There must be other troubles in their marriage, and maybe she just doesn't care?

cali mom said...

I tend to agree with 1:09 and Mary P. To assume that this wife MUST be in the dark and that OF COURSE she needs someone to inform her of the facts and that it is your civic duty to do so is just like those old ladies who approach you at the grocery store once in a while (or that stereotypical busybody MIL) to correct your parenting mistakes, as you are obviously in need of their better-informed judgement and assistance, only on a much more offensive level.

Also, this nanny may have realized her mistakes and vowed never to repeat them but she still has bills to pay and a livelihood to pursue. The wife will most likely NOT see her as a noble savior who did the right thing by informing her of the affair, but will see her as a shameless hussy who tempted her husband into infidelity and defiled her children's lives by the duplicity. And assuming the nanny was working on the books, the angry wife will have PLENTY of opportunity for revenge. IF she didn't know about it already in which case it would simply be rubbing it in her face to tell her about it.

The only way this MIGHT be advisable is via anonymous letter after she is safely gone and has a good letter of reference in hand but the wife would be pretty likely to put 2 and2 together, so I think even that would be inadvisable.

mom said...

Well, I certainly would NOT suggest telling her while you are still working for her.

I kind of got the impression that nannying was a temporary thing you were doing to get some money together to start school, and not your intended future profession.

Cali mom is absolutely right in saying that the mom is NOT going to thank you, or look kindly upon you in any way if you let her know. She likely will go after you professionally. I would. Don't plan on nannying in the same neighborhood again. But New York is a big place. And don't nanny or babysit at all again until you are CERTAIN you won't do this again.

And yes, the wife may well know...or at least suspect. (It's hard for me to imagine she wouldn't at least suspect...but then these three women I mentioned above all swear they were completely blindsided...so who really knows?)If that is the case, your news will be nothing new and she will have the option of peretending she never heard it, or that she doesn't believe you. But if she doesn't know, now she at least will.
In the end I guess I can only speak for myself, and I would absolutely want to know. I'm only asking for her what I would want for myself. Obviously, there are others who feel differently.

I asked my husband for his opinion, just for grins. He said that he thinks you ought to tell her, but that he can also envision that there are probably actually women out there who might rather remain ignorant.

Peace said...

Op
Regardless of what anyone here says. You are a victim, and you need protect only yourself in this situation.
Her husband is the only one with a responsibility to her- not to mention herself.

So move on...count it as a painful lesson in life, and yes people do make mistakes- different kinds, but mistakes nontheless.
He who is without blame...

Everybody wants a second chance and you've got it- grab it and run..

I pray wife may realise by some other means.

Stay well and remember in God's eyes you are forgiven...and that's all that really matters.

And for you God haters...well no wonder you are all so bitter. You need a little God in your lives!

Anonymous said...

would a woman really not know?
I can only speak for myself. I was shocked to find that my husband had been "boffing" (schtooping) my less attractive, overweight and much older sister. It was her husband who caught them, my brother in law.

mom said...

Yes, "Put your own needs and desires above those of others...especially when you have already caused them great harm."

I must have missed the Sunday they preached that sermon at my church.

marypoppin'pills said...

Thank you, mom ... that one stuck in my side, too.
5:19
Why write a poignant (sort of) post and at the very end thump us in the head with your bible?

Anonymous said...

You should tell the wife. He might do this again with other girls. You could help put a stop to that.

Anonymous said...

Nanny is shtupping the father, huh? Sounds pretty sick and twisted to me. Advice for the nanny: get out now. Get a new job. Get some therapy. Do not sleep with your future employers...EVER. Have some self-respect and stop volunteering for victim-status.
Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for putting in your notice. Take this as a lesson learned. While I don't think anyone should sleep with a married person, you were young and made a mistake. Really, the husband is mostly at fault, here. You may not be the first fling. And you probable won't be the last. But you should not tell his wife. Don't put yourself in that position, because she will not think of you as the innocent party in this. But if you are worried about your replacement, try to stick around for a few days to help the new nanny figure out the routine. Warn her. Or, if you do feel brave enough, go to your boss and tell her. Be prepared for the consequences. But at least she will know what a dog her husband is. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

3:34 wins for "comment of the day":

Have some self-respect and stop volunteering for victim-status.

Peace said...

Oh mom, you go to church? you could have fooled me.

You tell me, what is to be gained by her telling the wife? tell me please.
Absolutely nothing I said should be seen as uncharitable. It is a bad situaton she should get out. It is not HER responsibility to inform the wife.
The reason you and others feel that way is that as 'wives' you would want to know- that is NOT her responsibility. It will not assuage her guilt, and it could make a bad situation worse.

Her husband promised to honor blah, blah, let HIM tell her.

In this situation this young lady has to look out for herself. It happened already, lets all move on.

And mom, and others, this might come as a shock to you, but christians are not perfect- what, they didn't teach you that in Sunday school either?

mom said...

Hmmm...I'm still looking back for the place where I said Christians are perfect.
I believe what I was trying to convey is that if you are going to go throwing the bible at people, you might want to be a little more "golden rule" and a little less "me, me, me."
Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

peace and hypocrisy,
christians may not be perfect, but is it ususal for them to accuse others of not going to church?
(with the apparent implication being that they might be less worthy than yourself if they don't?)
just which bible are you thumping?

Anonymous said...

Peace you sound awfully angry and judgemental, especially under the "circumstances." (You know, your being so superior and all.) What gives?

Anonymous said...

peace is a fraud. ignore her.

peace said...

oh excuse me perfect christians.
Mom, obviously you haven't a clue what the 'golden rule' means.
Yes, I'm sure to you it means to let others walk all over you.

I'm sure you all thought it was ok for this woman to carry guilt around.
I didn't hear you all correcting anyone here.
That, my friends, is what christianity is about- forgiveness.
She needed some encouragement and I was giving it to her
As a christian you should have applauded that, instead of pointing out the not so perfect part- don't you think?

j said...

I am a Christian, but am aware that there are a lot of "Christians" out there who feel glee when another makes a mistake. It's sad but true. They put themselves up on a pedastal and look down on the world. Not all Christians are like that, thought, Peace. Don't put words into other's mouths. You're posts are making you look like a hypocrite, unless you are not a Christian.

mom said...

peace,
I am a little bewildered here. I don't see where I "gleefully attacked your mistakes." (But thanks anyway for telling me what I believe.)

FYI, the "golden rule" actually has nothing at all to do with allowing yourself to be victimized...or with doing what is best for yourself at another person's expense. It has to do with treating other people the way you would want them to treat you. As far as I'm concerned, you can never go wrong following that rule of thumb, Christian or otherwise.

Forgiveness is not yours to give in this case...although you are right in pointing out that she can be forgiven at any time she chooses, and I agree that it's always good to remind people of that. That being said, grace is not a "get out of jail free" card that should be used as a free pass to do whatever we want to whomever we want, knowing that it will all simply be forgiven in the end.

Lastly, for a person who so despises "judgment", you sure are tossing a lot of that around pretty freely...dontcha think?

Anonymous said...

peace is a strange name for such an angry person looking for a fight.

peace said...

aww be quiet mom!


Quite obviously you don't understand 'grace' yes, why don't you pile on the guilt, remind her a million times how much her nose should be rubbed in it for comminting such a heinous sin.
She did it, she's sorry, she's forgiven. WE can help by supporting her and not rub her nose in it.
I was trying to do the christian thing by helping her to feel better after some of the things the other posters were saying.

J...by calling me a hypocrite you are judging me, and by the way, there are all types of christians. Jesus came to die for us all- sinners, not saints.

Last I saw, it was 'mom' on a pedestal

Anonymous said...

Peace, you need meds.
Somebody has already requested you get a grip and stop giving a bad impression of Christians. I second that.

Anonymous said...

peace, dear, you need to make a decision. do you want to play the sanctimonious christian, or do you want to play the one who criticizes others for being sanctimonious? when you do both at once it diminishes your credibility to a great extent due to the overwhelming hypocrisy involved. the only thing worse than a sanctimonious christian is a hypocritical sanctimonius christian (which is actually an oxymoron.)

peace!!!!!!!!!! said...

yes and I'm boohooing as I read all that crap!
How does one give a bad impression of christians, pray tell.
You could second it third it fourth it. It does not make a difference.
Perhaps you all should save your breaths. Jesus would. Have you forgotten? Since I'm the hypocrite, let me argue- you on the other hand do the christian thing and shut up, will ya!
Now let's see if you'll do that. Let's see the self control you perfect christians have.

If you do have some christian virtue in you then there should be no response to this. If you do respond you have refuted your own claim to perfect christianity, and have shown your selves to lack self control.
What's it gonna be?

Anonymous said...

methinks peace be smokin the peace pipe too long.

cali mom said...

Methinks peace is the laughingstock Ax2.

peace said...

and I think you all are idiots!

mom said...

peace,
I don't really understand what is going on here.
Do you not at least see what people are trying to tell you?
It's not about being Christian, or not Christian, or a better or worse Christian than the next person.
It doesn't matter what group you are speaking for. When your message is unnecessarily angry, accusatory, and unintelligible, it doesn't matter what you represent...you are more likely to turn people away from it than to it.
I don't think that's your intention. I think your original intention was to be honorable, but you have somehow gotten way off track here.

Anonymous said...

OP Back again
I spoke to my pastor and he told me I am forgiven because I am repentant and promise not to make that mistake again and I truly mean it. He also advised me to confess to the woman I have harmed. I plan to do that. Today is my last day and I plan to speak to her tonight when she gets home. I thank you all for your honest opinions, advice and even insults.

mom said...

peace,
I had assumed that you were simply a new or uninformed Christian with some weird ideas (and a couple of unresolved anger/self esteem issues), but that you otherwise probably had good intentions. That's why I tried to overlook your obvious intention to start a fight.
Now that I recognize you as "Em", of the tedious grammar police wars above, I have serious questions about your actual intentions being good at all.
You seem instead to be a person who, lacking anything relevant or intelligible to say about the post at hand, instead uses the diversionary tactic of pointless personal attack to express yourself.
Have you ever heard the expression, "Lower your voice and improve your argument?" It would do you a world of good to take that to heart.

mom said...

OP Thank you for the update, and thank you for taking the time to figure out what is the right thing to do in this situation and having the COURAGE and INTEGRITY to do it.
Your pastor is dead on right about all that you say he told you. You couldn't have gone to a better source for advice.

Good luck tonight. It will be hard, and the mom will likely not be happy with you. But you are doing the right thing, and it will enable you to put this all behind you with a clear conscience, knowing that you made a mistake, but in the end did as much as you possibly could to set it right.

em and peace!!! said...

Mom, im sorry, YOU DO NOT SCARE ME!
I will not be quiet simply because you say so, though I have to admit this is tiring. You are tiring, and also a hypocrite. You are not getting any stellar marks for being a christian.

I hate to think of children having to live with you and your constant going on with your sanctimonious rantings as if you are God's vicegerant here on earth.
Who died and made you ruler of this site.
Mind your own business if you don't like me. I don't like you either- there, now we are even.

By responding to me yet again- you have proven yourself to be quite a moron who does not even know how to act christ-like (exactly what you accuse me of)
Wonder what your congregrants would think of you. I'm sure the lot of them would have let it go already.

I am supposed to be the 'weaker christian' but here you are right behind me like a gnat.
What do you think that you are doing that makes you any better. You are not- at least I can acknowledge my shortcomings, and was hoping to be silenced by some show of maturity, but I was only hoping.
You do not fight fire with fire my dear- that's not the way to put it out- unless you do not want to- perhaps this adds a little spice to your life.
I would actually be embarrased if my mom were here on this post going on and on like you- actually I would be surprised (because she would never do it)

As I am writing this, I'm getting an epiphany. I EM and Peace will end this, once and for all, because I am a christian. Instead of waiting for you to do it because it's obvious where your weakness is.
I really do not need to prove anything. I'll just let the love of Christ constrain me. That's it.

Anonymous said...

YOU needed an EPIPHANY to end this? Are you serious? You are the one going on & on. I see you fighting with everyone on this board.
Mom, the remark about your children was uncalled for. I've read & enjoyed many of your posts. I am sure your kids are just fine with a great mom like you.

mom said...

Whoa!
You are way out of control, peace/em. Calm down.

Go back and look at what you have been writing. It's insane.

Then go back and look at what I have written that somehow inspired this truly deranged series of outbursts. Something is really wrong...WRONG! Your level of anger is way out of whack and you have ceased making any kind of rational sense at all.

It's almost like you are fighting with/judging yourself...all by yourself...because all of these things you are thinking I have accused you of being have never been mentioned at all by anybody but you. You are throwing these accusations into the discussion (at me and others), and then answering them bitterly as if they had actually been leveled at you. And then you use them as proof that we are not good Christians when the only person who has ever said them is you.

Please. Look back at all of our "discussion." This is no longer amusing in any way. Is there somebody there who can help you look back through all of this? Seriously, I am concerned. (And, no, I am not saying that as a dig. I am seriosly concerned.)

I am sorry that it got this far.

Anonymous said...

peace,
you are acting crazy. why do you keep saying that they can't scare you when nobody is trying to scare you? why do you say they can't make you go away when nobody asked you to go away? you are being very paranoid. there was a post not long ago where somebody told somebody that nobody was trying to scare them. were they talking to you then too? you see things that don't exist. show this to somebody who can help you.

cali mom said...

It's always quite telling when someone screams at the top of their lungs OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER that they don't care what anyone here thinks, and yet they obviously have spent many wasted hours of their life screaming at the person they supposedly don't care about. And they never seem to recognize how utterly stark raving nutso they look by doing so.

mom said...

2:52, I really appreciate your nice compliment.

My kids are great, thank you.

I don't get worked up when somebody insults my parenting skills on here...especially over a subject that has nothing whatsoever even to do with parenting. And my opinion of people who come on here and insult innocent kids is so low that I instantly disregard everything they have to say about anything and everything. That goes for my kids and anybody else's on here. I make no time for sludge.

Anonymous said...

to mom ...
That's why more posters will respect you than em or peace, or whatever her name- because you don't go off on rants like her. I'm not so sure I'd be able to stay as cool as you, but since you do, it validates you more than 'her/it/em/peace'. lol

mom said...

Thanks 10:38.

mom said...

It's me again.
10:38, I thought I'd better clarify a bit.

I am certainly not above verbally sparring with people here. Just look at the whole series of posts back and forth between me and em/peace/2xAs recently if you have any doubt about that.
It's just that when somebody proves themselves to be immature to such an extreme degree, I suddenly realize I would have more fun conversing with an amoeba. So I then dismiss that person as unworthy of wasting my time or thoughts on.

No sainthood medals for me today. Shucks!

Anonymous said...

mom
lol, 10:38 here.
Yeah, I'm well aware of all of it. I've been around a long time here. I'm still impressed!
:)

Issues of Female Disabled Veterans said...

I'm not sure why everyone thinks this post isn't real .. it sounds perfectly real to me.

The only reason for a "confession" is to clear your own conscience. There is no benefit that the wife will get.

Confess to your Priest or Rabbi, and then get a new employer and a new line of work -- where one might consider trusting you.

Anonymous said...

OP ~~
Please give us an update. Was the Wife very upset? What did she say, or do?
What did the Husband think of your confession?

Anonymous said...

UPDATE!
Friday evening I sat down with the mother and told her everything. It was the hardest thing i ever had to do and I felt so bad for her. Depsite what people said here I thought it over a lot, prayed about it and asked my pastor and decided it needed to be done. The mother was very upset as I thought she would be. She told me to leave. Which of course I did. She had no interest in seeing any of the proof I had. Then Saturday night she called me up and asked to meet so I could give her the proof. We met and she told me her husband denied it all but when she told him she had seen proof he admitted sleeping with me a few times. She told me this is not the first time, there was one other time she knows of with a young girl similar to me. She also said she thinks he's probablty been unfaithful a lot more times and she is going to ask for divorce that's why she wanted the proof. We talked for a long time and I am certain now I did the right thing.

Anonymous said...

OP ~ Thanks for the update. But I'm curious. If this lady knew her husband had the potential to sleep with "girls like you", and has a history of being unfaithful, I wonder what made her think you would be safe with him? Shame on her, too.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what happened I replied last night and it nev
er posted oh well.

I wondered about that too but didn't ask questions because It's not up to me to question the mother. In school, we learned about enablers and she could be one of those. She could just have really wanted to believe it was just the one time and since he acted so nicely too her she might have put it out of her mind. Maybe she felt because I was overweight and not that pretty it was safe? Who knows! I am just glad to be out of there and done with all of it now .

PaperBack said...

I don't suspect this post is fake. But if it is....ladies... this still happens. All too often. Working women who employ nannies ARE that clueless especially if their husbands continue to sleep with them as well. If this woman is so checked out of her kids that she hires a live in nanny, she's pretty checked out of everything else too including where her nanny gets clothes, make up and a car. If what this nanny wrote is true and the car is a used Ford, chances are Mrs. X is driving a Jaguar or a Mercedes so a used Ford is not going to register on her radar.

One must also consider that maybe Mrs. X really knew what was going on all along and rather than split up her comfy lucrative home with all the network contacts and social position it affords, she turns a blind eye. What we are also not considering is the very REAL possibility that Mrs. X also has a lover and doesn't care where her husband dips his nib.

For you and me and other rational people who still believe marriage counts for something in this world, this scenario is abhorrent and unreal. Unfortunately, it does happen.

If Anonymous is on the up and up and all of this is real, she did the right thing by getting the hell out. What Mr. X did was damage her outlook on men and marriage and hopefully she will recover.

you'll never know said...

Never decline his advances. Do you know the job security I had from letting my Mr. B play tic tac toe on my --- --- ---? I was impenetrable. I could not be fired and both he and she could not do enough to please me. In my defense, I am very Mary Poppins-esque and know how to play all the roles assigned me--teacher, confidante, vixen, school marm, whore, role model and gate keeper. When I left, my severence was quite generous. And then came severence #2. A little kissed but never told, please don't bonus.

Cheers.

Anonymous said...

You'll Never Know...you are a gross whore.

I watched this same thing (Older professional man dabbling with his young nanny under the wife's nose) happen down the block from me in a well-to-do neighborhood in NJ. When the wife finally found out she was devastated. How did she find out? Revenge from the nanny, who contracted an STD from the Mr. and decided to tell the wife. A cheater seldom practices fidelity to his mistress!

While you are busy getting all you can from this or your next employer, maybe you will also get something you DON'T want. Then you can change your name to "I'll never learn"

As for the OP, best of luck honey, you made a mistake but did the right thing.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand where your coming from I kinda hadd the same experience only I was 15 when it happened it went on for about 3 months for me and one day I told him NO and well he didn't take to kindly to me saying no I made the decision to tell his wife as I felt she needed to know why I wouldn't come back. I would have to say you need to think long and hard as to what you want to do for me it was bad no one believed me not even my own parents and I had to watch as my own parents continued to talk to the husband. Now a wife myself if that was going on in my home I would want to know but not all wifes are the same. I'm proud of you for standing up for your self and ending things men like that are scum. Good luck