Dear "Princess Caraboo",
Thanks for making my life one big huge soap opera that my coworkers can ask for updates about. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking my child and the car for 3.5 HOURS WITHOUT ASKING WHILE MY WIFE WAS HOME and NOT EVEN LEAVING A NOTE after knowing you for only a month. Thanks for giving me the need to leave work early in order to deal with the mess you created and calm down my panicked wife. Thanks for making me regret I didn't just call the police and let you explain to them how you knew you weren't allowed to take a child and you had no intention of kidnapping my child. Thanks for the embezzlement that I know that you have been doing by driving personal miles and claiming them as work miles that we reimburse you for. Thanks for lying about where you go even when you don't need to--I hope your evenings at Friday's restaurant and McDonald's was worth your not driving the car any longer. Thanks for being unwilling to give us your cell phone number just in case there's an emergency. Thanks for planning to claim you did not volunteer hours so you could demand payment for them later--too bad for you I record all instant messages and had a witness for our other conversion. Thanks for talking shit about my family to your friends, calling us abusive, and claiming we don't treat you well even though we give you many fringe benefits we don't have to and were giving you more weekends off than required. Thanks for using our cable TV, Internet connection, phone, car, and your private bathroom, all things that I'm not required to provide.
Thanks for lying to our face when applying and claiming you'd stay with us till next August when in truth you always planned on finding a new family where your fiance lives by next March. Thanks for not being willing to admit that he's your fiance but signing up onto websites as now being a couple working together.
Thanks for giving me reason to start a formal security investigation regarding your wrongdoing and in doing so begin monitoring all your traffic for further signs of wrongdoing--by the way, I know your phone number now, HAH! Thanks for never bothering to find out what I really do for work. Thanks for underestimating me so wholly that you have no clue just how much I know about you, your wrongdoing, and the lies you tell. Thanks for giving me the need to install GPS in the car so you can't take my daughter anywhere without my knowing where you go. Thanks for the collateral affect of proving that you're a thief embezzling from us. Thanks for giving me the need to put all your web traffic through a content filter that wont let you talk shit about my family any more, doesn't let you search for a new family, and wont even let you read or send emails in which you talk about finding work--I can't tell you how good it makes me feel knowing you're getting denied messages with bible verses pertaining to telling lies. (Thanks for making catholics look bad. :P ).
Thanks for screwing up so that my wife and I now know what your evil plans were and we can plan on being rid of you when it's good for our family and not you. Thanks for giving me a daily need to ask my wife if there's any way we can rid ourselves of you sooner. Thanks for giving me the need to practice being nice to someone I detest so fully.
You're a piece of trash Princess Caraboo. I consider you a cancerous growth that needs to be removed from my family ASAP and if I could do that by putting you in jail for your crimes of moral turpitude, I'd do it without a second thought.
There's only 1.5 months to go of these arguments with my wife about needing to get you out ASAP and I'm counting the hours.
Anonymous -- only because you're still living with us and watching my daughter.
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186 comments:
Wow.. it feels so much better actually ranting about this somewhere. :)
Fire her. I don't understand why this isn't a possibility. If there's a contract, surely there must be some stipulations in the contract that she violated and thus, grounds for her dismissal. If there's no contract, there is no reason to keep her on. This presence is not benefitting your family in any way, and the safety of your daughter is, without a doubt, the most important thing.
She can't go anywhere that she's not monitored now while with my daughter. She doesn't go to parks unless it's a playgroup and we always make sure there are people we know there to keep an eye on her.
Strangely, she does take great care of my daughter and we hear comments from people about how good she is with her. (Although, it turns out she hates working so she no longer wants to care for children under 2.)
I don't have an issue with the way she takes care of my child (except for the kidnapping), I have an issue with everything else that's in my rant. :)
Anyways, it takes 6-8 weeks to get another out of country au pair and we've decided we don't want the castoffs (aka. 'transition au pairs') any longer because they come with some serious baggage.
Since my wife works from home and she's monitored in some way at all times while with our child, we feel comfortable enough to let her stay here until we find someone else.
This is absurd. Honestly you sound like an ass. I'm not suprised someone would want to talk badly about you. Maybe a live-in nanny or au pair isn't right for your family. Have you considered that?
*except for the kidnapping*? WTF? you sound like an idiot. who on earth would let this person still watch their child?
I agree with 1:39. Perhaps an au pair is not a situation for you. I think you have much more flexibility with hiring a nanny/babysitter.
Seriously though, to be this angry is not healthy for your child or your home life. Take control and make a change. Why let someone you don't trust have this much control over your life anyway? Your child is your most precious commodity. How can you let her spend time with someone you detest this much?
You can either make a change or accept it. It sounds like you have chosen to accept it--at least temporarily. In doing so, you need to stop complaining.
Well it's certainly clear that YOU are an asshole.
This sounds pretty over the top, honestly. You sound pretty bitter when the things you've listed, other than the kidnapping, don't sound all that horrible. And the kidnapping couldn't have been too bad because you're still letting her watch your child.
If she's lying to you about going to McDonalds, I have a feeling that there's more to it than you're saying. I would love to hear the nanny's side of this story.
You sound like a total nutjob.
Wait a minute...
This person LEFT WITH YOUR CHILD without your permission, with unauthorized use of your car, and it worried you to the point of almost calling the police... BUT YOU DIDN'T FIRE HER ON THE SPOT?!?
Sorry. I agree with the "idiot" label. How much are you willing to put up with before you actually give her the boot?! If you both worked outside the home, I could maybe, MAYBE, see the holdup, but your wife is RIGHT THERE. Why the hell are you having someone you obviously don't trust CONTINUE to watch your child?!?
It sounds like you more get off on being "sneaky" and "monitoring" her, and then running to boast about it on the Internet and to your co-workers. Give me a break.
If I got fired for not being "happy and energetic enough", you can probably fire this girl for taking your child without telling anyone where she was going.
"I don't have an issue with the way she takes care of my child (except for the kidnapping"
LMAO EXCEPT FOR THE KIDNAPPING?????
LMAO what an ass....
(a) Prohibited.-
(1) A person may not, without color of right:
(i) forcibly abduct, take, or carry away a child under the age of 12 years from:
1. the home or usual place of abode of the child; or
2. the custody and control of the child's parent or legal guardian;
(ii) without the consent of the child's parent or legal guardian, persuade or entice a child under the age of 12 years from:
1. the child's home or usual place of abode; or
2. the custody and control of the child's parent or legal guardian; or (others don't apply)
If you have issues with the definition of kidnapping, take it up with your state.
I think it's a little harsh calling this guy all of these names people. He's been duped and he's pissed. And, HE wants the horrible nanny gone today. It's his wife who seems to be lacking in parental instinct here.
However, sir, to leave your child with such a woman for even five minutes longer is unthinkably irresponsible. You need to take control right now and do what is best for your child, even if your wife objects to putting your child first. Sure your nanny is nice at the park in front of your friends...she sounds very good at being what she needs to be at the right times in order to perpetuate her scam. What about the time she had your child in the car for 3 1/2 hours? Do you know how she treated her or spoke to her then? Do you know for sure whether she takes your child into the stores with her, or perhaps leaves her sitting in the car? No, you don't. Does she place her in and out of her car seat lovingly, or shove her in like a sack of potates? You don't know. And you don't know how she treats her in private. Surely they are alone sometimes? This does not sound like a kind and nurturing woman to me. I would guess that you'd be pretty upset if you saw her with your daughter in all of the moments when she knows there's nobody watching. And if she's as horrible as all of this, how can you take even the slightest chance with your innocent little girl?
Or, if getting back at her is more motivation for you than protecting your child...why don't you send her packing right now, with no notice (you have a right in light of the "kidnapping" I would think...or if you can prove she has stolen or made some other breach of your agreement.)She would suddenly find herself without an income or references for another job, out on her lying a**. Imagine the look on her face if she came home to find her stuff packed and on the porch and your locks changed.(And your child would be safe.)
Please emplore your wife to find it in her heart to let you do the right thing, as you say you want to, and can her sorry behind TODAY! Surely she can watch her own child for a few days under the circumstances? Everybody takes a "vacatiion" or a few sick days now and then. Seems like this might be a great time to put her daughter first.
I think it's a little harsh calling this guy all of these names people. He's been duped and he's pissed. And, HE wants the horrible nanny gone today. It's his wife who seems to be lacking in parental instinct here.
However, sir, to leave your child with such a woman for even five minutes longer is unthinkably irresponsible. You need to take control right now and do what is best for your child, even if your wife objects to putting your child first. Sure your nanny is nice at the park in front of your friends...she sounds very good at being what she needs to be at the right times in order to perpetuate her scam. What about the time she had your child in the car for 3 1/2 hours? Do you know how she treated her or spoke to her then? Do you know for sure whether she takes your child into the stores with her, or perhaps leaves her sitting in the car? No, you don't. Does she place her in and out of her car seat lovingly, or shove her in like a sack of potates? You don't know. And you don't know how she treats her in private. Surely they are alone sometimes? This does not sound like a kind and nurturing woman to me. I would guess that you'd be pretty upset if you saw her with your daughter in all of the moments when she knows there's nobody watching. And if she's as horrible as all of this, how can you take even the slightest chance with your innocent little girl?
Or, if getting back at her is more motivation for you than protecting your child...why don't you send her packing right now, with no notice (you have a right in light of the "kidnapping" I would think...or if you can prove she has stolen or made some other breach of your agreement.)She would suddenly find herself without an income or references for another job, out on her lying a**. Imagine the look on her face if she came home to find her stuff packed and on the porch and your locks changed.(And your child would be safe.)
Please emplore your wife to find it in her heart to let you do the right thing, as you say you want to, and can her sorry behind TODAY! Surely she can watch her own child for a few days under the circumstances? Everybody takes a "vacatiion" or a few sick days now and then. Seems like this might be a great time to put her daughter first.
If you don't trust someone, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD WITH THAT PERSON.
It seems pretty clear to me.
Fire her - hire a babysitter until your au pair arrives.
Get over being angry. What is done is done. Get this person away from your family.
Act now, rant later...
get rid of this unscrupulous leech.
She's still living with you and watching your child??? WTHeck???? You are a complete idiot! I will never understand why people have children and then hand them over to someone else to raise........and YOU make me wonder if your child should be placed in foster care. It would probably be a better environment. I feel sick just from reading your "rant".
Like I said before, I would love to hear the Nanny's side of this. I question whether any nanny would "volunteer" to work extra, unpaid hours. And I'm betting there's a story behind her refusal to give them her cell phone number. And why are they so against hiring a domestic, American nanny?
Seriously, I think this guy may have been thinking he could treat this nanny as a servant, or take advantage of her time because she wasn't from this country.
I hope this is sinking in, Dad. Just because your wife "won't let" you get rid of this person is no reason for you to wimp out on your child's well being. You are the man of the house and she is your daughter too. Would you stand by acting this whipped if your wife wanted to send your daughter swimming alone? And it seems that a lot of people (strangers to your child who are distressed and alarmed that she remains in this woman's care) can see that this situation is potentially just as dangerous. Sometimes you have to make a unilateral decision for the well being of your child if the other parent is behaving irresponsibly. It's your duty. If your daughter ends up abused or dead you will have only YOURSELF to thank. Your wife is nuts. At least you have the sense to want the nanny gone today. MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW! Perhaps, having posted your misgivings about this woman, including a kidnapping, you could be charged with a crime in the event your little girl is harmed or killed. It is a crime to leave a child in a situation that may be unsafe. Your nanny, as you describe her, sounds like a psychopath. Having this information, YOU are now the responsible party in the event of a tragedy. (Think Rusty Yates from Texas. He knew his wife was "off" and he continued to leave her in the care of his children. He never dreamed she might drown all 6 of them, but she did. Hindsight is 20/20, Dad.)
Let's put it another way that might seem more compelling. If you took your beautiful car to a valet parking garage and found out later that the employees had secretly driven your car all over town for 3 1/2 hours, doing God knows what, would you EVER take your car back to that garage? If your friends had seen the same employees at another time (knowing they were being observed by persons known to you) wiping your car with a soft chamois to bring out a beautiful shine, would you then assume that, other than the car theft incident, it was a spectacular parking garage? Why are people more protective of their cars than they are of their kids?
Please let this nanny go today. And PLEASE write back here and let us all know that she is gone so that the rest of us can rest comfortably knowing that this child is out of harm's way.
PLEASE!
How dare she use your private bathroom! You sound like you need medication.
OP. you are still letting this person care for you daughter? You deserve whatever you get.
Sorry...11:25 should be attributed to Meme. Thanks.
Whatever HE gets won't likely be happening to him. It will be his child who pays the price.
And, whoever keeps on writing to defend this horrible, criminal "nanny," SHUT UP!
Don't try to make this man think what this nanny has done is his fault. She's unscruplous and dangerous. They were duped and now they just need to do the right thing by their daughter and dump the nanny ASAP!
Your rant is completely pointless, when at the end, we find out she is still working for you. Your jobs are more important than your child where you can't take a month and a half leave for personal reasons? Ugg.
To the OP:
You need medication and therapy. All your rant did for me was to make me feel bad for this poor nanny who was unlucky enough to work for you. And I thought the last family I nannied for was crazy: sheesh, you and your wife sound nuttier than fruitcakes!!!
Plus, you sound like an a-hole. You are probably just mad that you made a pass at the nanny and she rejected you because you are most likely a geeky loser.
11:47,
Can you leave some identifying information so nobody inadvertently hires your bitter, hateful self to watch children? You are scary and angry. I can't help but wonder if you might be the nanny from the rant, and trying, very lamely, to defend yourself?
One more reason,people, to watch your own children.
ps. I made a mistake. it's childcaregonewrong.blogspot.com. (Look for 11:47's picture to appear soon!)
Oh dear. If this is how these "parents" handle such a difficult situation, and if they choose to sit on their hands instead of taking decisive action when they supposedly feel their daughter's safety is at risk, then they are people who should never have been allowed to procreate in the first place, as they are obviously incapable of taking responsibility in their own lives, let alone taking responsibility for the safety of their child.
I think if I worked for someone who sounds as crazy as you, I wouldn't give you my cell phone number either. And I'd get the same pleasure out of lying to you about my OFF HOURS whereabouts as you obviously take in sneaking around and spying on your employeee. Why do you need to know where she is when she's NOT supposed to be on-duty?
Why would you even hire someone who refused to give you her contact information, let alone keep her on? Because you're a neurotic wuss who's either lying about how bad the situation is, or is too much of a coward to protect your own daughter. I'm not sure from all your hissy fit ranting here which it is.
Ouch! Dad, put us out of our misery and let us know she is out of your home, now!
I too would love to hear the au pair's side of the story, but I can read some of it between the lines.
OP doesn't say in the original post, but this is not a nanny, she is an au pair. Kidnapping? No, very poor judgement by a young inexperienced girl, who took the child out for the afternoon without clearing it with the mom.
Embezzlement? No, host families usually provide transportation for au pairs, she should not have to pay for gas she uses, or lie about where she goes on her personal time. Yes, lying is wrong, but she is immature, and in a vulnerable position, which OP is taking advantage of.
Yes, you ARE required to provide a separate bathroom, and who begrudges an au pair the use of the phone and TV?
As for "volunteer hours, that is illegal. The regulations for foreign au pairs clearly state the number of hours they can be required to work. You can not let them work additional hours "voluntarily".
I think this is another instance of a family not understanding that an au pair is not a cheap substitute for a nanny, and treating her like an indentured servant.
Au pairs are great if you have school age children, and want to give them exposure to someone from another culture, whom you will treat like a member of the family during her visit.
to mom at 11:53,
I am no longer a nanny, sorry to burst your bubble, but I raise my own children so I would never be in your situation. After the wackos I nannied for, I have given up the profession to concentrate on my own precious child, unlike you.
And I would love to see my picture published so that I can sue your ass for all you have.
You are very angry 12:15.
I'm glad to see that you are no longer in the business of babysitting for other people's children, but fear for the emotional well being of yours. Are you one of the people who keeps leaving posts about abusive moms?
Did you know, it is not a violation of any law to publish a mug shot? Keep that temper in check.
I would really like to see the nanny's side of things here. Because your argument is honestly really one sided and presented in more of a rage than a rant. For example, her "kidnapping" of your children could have been her taking the child to the mall to walk around, shop, and spend a few hours away from your tyranny. Yeah sure, she may have bought a few things for herself there, but if she is so great with your child, does that matter? It isn't "Stealing time" when you are a nanny, unless the nanny is neglecting the children and all her duties, she is on the clock. Every incident you said sounds like you have a problem with having a nanny who won't be subservient.
I would quit in a heartbeat if I was employed by you. You sound like an ass, and like someone who can't control his temper. I would be afraid to be working for you.
Also, if your nanny is so horrible that you have to talk about her in this way, have your wife stay home for the 6-8 weeks while you find other childcare. If it is so bad that you have to say all these horrible things in a rampage about this nanny, then she needs to go. And in my opinion, for her sake. Your poor child. Hopefully she doesn't grow up under the wrath of daddy.
Well put, 12:07! Thank you!
RIGHT ON 11:36!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Umm yeah....any normal parent would be more worried about their child's safety and can the au pair.
Not you. Odd don't you think?
How about this:
You and your wife take a good look at childcaregonewrong.blogspot.com. and see what can happen when you entrust the care of your precious child to strangers. (Reading a resume, checking references and being desperate to have somebody watch your child does not magically turn your hired childcare provider into a trusted family member or friend.)
Your wife (or you)takes care of your child herself and stops working.
You make whatever downsizing changes you need to your lifestyle in order to support your family on one income.
You realize that the well being of your child is more important than having a big house (or owning a house at all) or more things and are grateful that you got this wakeup call before anything really tragic happened.
Quite copmplaining about how awful this is for you, and consider what your child may be going through.
12:07 I am in full agreement.
An au-pair earns around $150 per week, when they sign onto a family (through 1 possibly two transatlantic phone calls) they are told what living conditions they can expect ie. private bath, tv, internet, use of a car etc.
They are allowed to work around 40 hours per week. If your wife works from home why on earth would the au-pair be volunteering extra hours and why is she working any weekends - I never once saw a requirement that said an au-pair should work weekends - she should be treated as a part of the family and allowed to accompany you on outings but work? I think not.
The 3.5 hours was a bad judgment call. COuld it be that your 'work-from'home' wife was busy and undisturbable could be a mitigating factor? Was the au-pair tired of keeping the child quiet and away from your busy wife and decided to take her somewhere? How old is she? If it was aregular occurence I'd be disturbed and I can imagine that at the time you were panicked but I can't imagine someone not feeling terrible for putting a parent through that and doing it repeatedly.
You expect her to tell you the truth about all her off time hours? She goes to MacDonalds and you think it's your business? She doesn't have your cjhild with her at these times and yet she feels your are scrutinising her every move looking for fault. There are many facets to being treeated well, being given 'fringe benefits' is just one, being hounded for personal information, having no freedom and being in a hostile work environment far over-shadow any positives you may feel she gets.
Quite frankly I'm not surprised that the au-pair is aiming to get out of your stifling house by March - heavens I wouldn't have lasted that long!
You're waiting another 1.5 months fro her to be gone? Why? For your convenience? It's an interesting person who feels that their convenience outweighs the mental health of 4 individuals.
I was an au-pair for a wonderful family, and I have been a nanny for more than one lovely family - thank goodness I never chose to work for the first (au-pair) employer that made me an offer, I may have landed up with someone like you and missed (or been chased from) my calling in life.
12:25,
It seems that you are the one who is angry. The poster in question did not sound angry to me at all: she merely disagreed with you.
I cannot find any angry words or connotations in her post.
As far as publishing someone's mugshot being illegal, it depends on what you mean by "mugshot" and where the photo was obtained. Someone can certainly sue you for portraying them in a false light or by publishing stolen pictures.
Perhaps you missed her 11:47 post?
mom @ 1:23
Nope, still don't see it. Because she said he sounded like an a-hole? I agree, he does sound like a jerk.
Why don't you put forth a valid opinion instead of attacking other posters like a child?
Volunteer hours? What is that all about? You really sound like a psycho to me. All of this surveillance and monitoring and Bible verses and whatnot. I hope your poor au pair is able to get herself out of your house ASAP! I would LOVE to hear her side of the story but, oh yeah, you are censoring her from expressing her view point. Run, Nanny, Run!!!
As others have said, something here just doesn't ring true. If the nanny has done all the things the poster claims she has done, why is he letting her care for his child for even a moment more?
To Tara b,
Really? This looks rational to you? "Geeky loser...A-hole...pass at the nanny? Perhaps you are the kind of gutter mouthed person who banters this kind of thing around in the course of your daily rational, composed conversation, and so find it completely commonplace. Perhaps others, not so apparently classless as the two of you, saw it for the pathetic angry, childish, pathetic outburst that it was?
"Anonymous said...
To the OP:
You need medication and therapy. All your rant did for me was to make me feel bad for this poor nanny who was unlucky enough to work for you. And I thought the last family I nannied for was crazy: sheesh, you and your wife sound nuttier than fruitcakes!!!
Plus, you sound like an a-hole. You are probably just mad that you made a pass at the nanny and she rejected you because you are most likely a geeky loser.
11:47 AM"
to anon/aka "mom",
Why are you so concerned with defending this father? If you ask me, he is all those names he has been called, as the majority of responses have agreed with.
He is the one who seems angry to me. You do as well. It seems as if you shouldn't point fingers as far as name-calling, you are doing the same thing yourself. People should be able to express their opinions on this site the way they want to. You seem like the type of person who only wants people to agree with you.
Are you the wife of the dad in this post?
p.s. what is wrong with the phrase "made a pass at"? It doesn't seem like a "gutter mouth phrase" to me at all. People say it all the time. It means to flirt. Has nobody ever made a pass at you?
How bad could this nanny be, if shes still in your house? Is this a piece you are writing for a class your taking at a community college??
Its sounds as if this family is being abusive to this nanny. If so she needs to speak to a lawyer, and get out of their.
It sounds like shes being spied on, all her personal business, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if a cam is installed in her bedroom.
If shes a live-in where do you want her to sleep on the floor of your kitchen?? Of course you should give her a room what do you expect.
When she first met you she probably was planning on staying till next August. After working for you she may have seen that you are not all their.
I am wondering too about this so called kidnapping. Your wife probably gets annoyed when the baby makes noise, so she thought she would take him out for the day.
Another thing get some balls and tell us where you live at least the state.
Sorry, dude. I was more angry with you than your nanny.
A.You're writing sucks.
B.You sound angry because she wouldn't give you a bl*w-job.
C.Why keep her if it's a problem?
D. Little do you know, mostly all nannies do their own bidding on work hours. If you hired this woman, how is she kidnapping? I think it's stupid as hell to not want to ket your nanny drive your kid around. You expect them to stay in he house alllll day?
Get over yourself...the things you've complained about aren't that bad, and shame on you for needing so much security and spying materials. UGH, I would never want to work for you. You sound like you have a stick so far up your a$$, you can't even shyt it out. No wonder she talks about you. Almost all nannies complain about the family they work for. I enjoy the family I work for, they could be better to their kids, but you bet your bottom dollar I drag their name all through the dirt at dinner w/ my friends. get over it, and hire someone else, but when you do, be sure to tell them you're spying on them. Oh and next time you want someone to know where you work, tell them...especially if you have "connections",idiot, gosh!
Not defending the father, but definitely not trying to alienate him or make him even more angry than he already is. Some of you (including 11:47) seem to think this situation is the result of a man with an anger problem. Does it really make any sense, if you believe this to be true, to call him vulgar names and insult him? That ought to help diffuse the situation nicely, don't you think?Yes, I find find your language vulgar, and your anger misplaced. (Sounds like you--and 11:47,if you are not one and the same, which it appears that you are---have some unresolved issues with a family you worked for that are unrelated to this particular OP, but are using this venue to vent.)
If I were the wife of this man, my child would NOT have been in the care of a hired caregiver in the first place and there would be no issue.
I think they are both irresponsible for keeping this nanny for 10 more minutes after they discovered these things about her, if they are true and as portrayed.
But my main concern is not the father, or the nanny. It is the child. Getting these 4 people away from one another as quickly as possible should be everybody's goal, NOT choosing who is right or wrong. This situation is a powderkeg. Let's not light the match.
My dermatologist had what she thought was a good nanny. After a time she discovered things that made her feel that she needed to terminate the nanny's employment. She told the nanny, but gave her two weeks notice, during which she left the two little girls in the care of the nanny. One day, near the end of the two weeks, the nanny took the very young children out to swim but "forgot" to use any sunscreen (perfect way to hit a dermatologist below the belt.) The children were absolutely FRIED...blistered and in excruciating pain. Try successfully prosecuting an "accident."
The nanny in question here may well find out about this blog. Does dad want to try to prove that his little girl didn't accidentally fall headfirst off a tall slide, or down the stairs? Or that nanny had no idea the bath water was so very hot?
And yes, I know what a pass is. And yes, I have had passes made at me. But I have NEVER accused a man of making a pass without seeing him do it.
Yes - The nanny sounds horrible, but what kind of Idiot/Parent would hire someone that wasn't willing to give out their phone number? Hello! If you see red flags and ignore them, place the blame on yourself.
Your wife is home, yet you need a full time live in au pair? Talk about lazy!
Question: If the nanny is crap, then why would you continue to keep her on? Convenience? Screw that!
Number one, this girl/woman is NOT a nanny. NOT NOT NOT! She is an au pair, aka a person who trades limited childcare for the chance to experience another culture as a family member. Au Pair = On Par.
And sir, I have to say you sound slightly unhinged.
Wouldn't it be easier to fire the Au Pair? Or do you grove to the drama you're creating with her help?
Why are you waiting 6 weeks? Is it an attempt to avoid some sort of re-placement expense? If so, suck it up and take the financial hit.
I have a hard time feeling sorry for you. Your argument may be valid, but the spite and venom clouds that over pretty effectively.
Call the Au Pair program, tell them you want her gone, and then patch together childcare until you find a better alternative. Maybe family daycare?
How ridiculous is this post? The lady this man is hiring is an AU PAIR. Private bathrooms and free usage of car and gas are very basic perks.
3.5 hours does not = kidnapping. Granted she should have let your wife know but she's unqualified and is an au pair (this means childcare is not really her main interest and she's foreign. If she's European, most Europeans are very independant and European families like that).
NO ONE offers volunteer hours. And no nice family would EVER say yes if an au pair were to offer free hours. An au pair (or nanny, or anyone really!) might say , "I could take care of X on Sunday if you guys want to sleep in" or "I can babysit on Saturday if you want to take your wife out for dinner" but OF COURSE it's not free! You not only have to pay her for these hours, just the fact that she's willing to work these extra hours means it's a FAVOR and that she's being nice.
I would hate having an au pair host family like yours. You obviously have no idea what the au pair program is about.
Here is a little about MOM, and why I feel like I do.
I have three children, all of whom I raised myself...with the help of friends I made at the park and pool and the children's school (friends I will have for a lifetime,who I met through our common interest...our children), and the occasional very trusted babysitter.
It was hectic and hard sometimes when they were every small, and there were times I got no sleep...sometimes it felt like for days or weeks on end.
There were times when one of my kids did something sweet or smart or kind and I thought I must be the best darn mommy in the world. There were times when one of my kids would do something mean or wrong that I thought I must be the worst mommy in the world and would certainly be turning out axe murders. I cried my self to sleep some of those nights.
Other nights I got to watch them in plays or dancing or at karate class, and I felt proud.
There was the time my sweet little middle son asked me why mommies with nice voices were pretty and sweet, like me, while other mommies with loud voices were scary looking. There was the other time, when he asked me if I "didn't get very much sleep last night," and when I asked him why he was asking, he very politely told me that I wasn't being as nice as usual. (He was too sweet to tell me that I was being a real crab.)
But as tired or overworked as I ever felt, I never regretted my decision to be their mom, every day. I worried about the possibility of getting financially overburdened and having to leave them behind to make ends meet, so we only bought what we needed in the early years. Things were pretty tight sometimes, but I didn't ever feel sorry about that because I knew it meant I could watch my kids grow. Now we have plenty, but are not happier than we were back in the lean times.
My oldest son is 21 years old now...a man. And I can't believe how quickly it happened. I was there every possible minute as a mom, and it still went by in a flash. And now, when I look at this man who towers over me, I can't help remembering that there was a time, which doesn't seem very long ago to me at all, when he truly believed that my kiss could erase the pain of even the most terrible boo boo. He knows better than that now. I thank God that I don't have the regret of missing out on his wonder years.
I have two teenagers still at home. My second son is a junior in high school, and will be off to college in less than two years. He has some of his own things to do now, as children that age do, and I treasure any time we have together, because I know our time as "mother and child" is short. He once, when he was small, got very sad when I said, "I don't know," to a question he asked me. He thought I was simply not wanting to tell him the answer (which I really didn't know--probably something about the atomic structure of the universe, or what brontosaurus liked to do during their free time), and he said, "Please tell me mommy. I know you have to know, because you know everything." He (age 17) definitely doesn't think that anymore! I thank God that there was a day when he did...and that I was there to spend it with him.
My baby, my daughter, starts high school next year. She is a real treasure to me. First, she was a fantastic surprise when I thought I would have no more children (I always tell her she's the best surprise I've ever gotten), and then because she was a very sick little baby, and I didn't know whether I would get to be her mommy for a very long time. At 13 (and healthy!) she sometimes thinks I'm pretty neat, but just as often thinks I'm really out of it, or, alternately, hopelessly embarrassing. Because she is 13, I know the "pretty neat" times are about to go behind a very dark cloud for a while...but I can wait her out..I've done it before. I wonder if the little over 5 years I have before she too is gone to school will fly by like the first 13 have, or if I will somehow be able to slow them down by cherishing every moment extra hard. I will never forget the teeny tiny little two year old girl who, the first time she was able to ball her little fists up and "run" (I had to slow my pace considerably to match her run)proudly exclaimed, "Look Mommy! I'm run fasting! I'm run fasting!" I thank God that I was there to tell her what a very big girl she was and how very fast she was running. The pride on her face could not have been described.
So, when I tell you I wish you would all stay home with your children it is because I feel so blessed to have been able to do that with mine. It's because I know how very fast they grow, and how very short the years are when they think mommy and daddy truly might have hung the moon. Children are the greatest treasure we can ever hope for. Please don't underestimate what you are missing when you choose not to raise them yourself.
My baby, my daughter, will start high school next year.
fire her. if she's that bad, there is NO reason why she should still be working for you.
i can't believe that you didn't get any sign of things being off when you interviewed her and checked her references. if a candidate wouldn't give me her number, i wouldn't give her a job.
you sound like you have a superiority complex while at the same time being very immature. it's like you're a big tattle tale. i was waiting for the "neener neener" at the end of the post.
you bitch and moan and whine yet she is still working for you. that, in itself says VOLUMES about you. loser.
MOM: I was seriously about to bash you for taking up so much space, but what you had to say was beautiful. Thank you for that. You should so join CafeMom. You would be quite an assett to many groups on there.
Well, thank you Meme. I fully expect to get bashed by somebody along the way. But I do think this is important to say anyway.
I don't want a war between working moms and stay at home moms, but I have been blessed beyond measure by my time with my children. (I hope they feel the same...hehehe...but they're pretty good kids.) I did my best...not perfect...but I always hope that any mistakes I have made will be filled in to some degree by the fact that they know how hard I have tried to be a good mom. And I know that they will never doubt that they have been loved.
I wish that love for every kid...and every parent. That's all.
I've been trying to not get sucked into the ongoing commentary here because whereever there exists discussion groups or commentary there exists several types of "flame warriors" (http://redwing.hutman.net/%7Emreed/) that are more than willing to chime in with their thoughts, especially if they're dissenting. That being said, there have been some things said in the commentary that I believe need to be corrected.
It's absolutely amazing to me how many people chime in here without having any understanding of what the Dep. of State regulations actually say. I can only believe that the majority of the people here have either not read or lack reading comprehension skills for legal documents. If you have no idea what you're talking about or you are only parroting information you think you know, please go read the regulations yourself so that you actually have some clue. You can find them at http://exchanges.state.gov/education/jexchanges/about/22CFR62.pdf.
Reading through the commentary on this site makes me think I need to create a Top 10 Myths Regarding Au Pairs and put it up on a blog just so people will have a shortcut to the clue bat that they so desperately need. For those of you that have poor logic, let me state unequivocally that YES, the above does mean we have had at least one other au pair whom was like a family member and is sorely missed. I'm extremely knowledgeable with regards to the regulations for Au Pairs and have a decent understanding of the interpretation of the FLSA by the Department of Labor. I wont claim to be an expert on them but I'm certainly somewhere between layman and expert.
So let's clear up some of the untruths I have seen floated here in my commentary thread (and in others) by unknowledgable people:
Private bathrooms: NO, you don't have to have a private bathroom for an au pair. You have to have a private bedroom and that is all. Check it out for yourself if you don't believe me: §62.31(c)(6) "Place the au pair with a family who cannot provide the au pair with a suitable private bedroom;". You can search the rules and no mention is made of a private bathroom and for good reason. It would exclude persons of older homes from the benefits of an au pair. (In truth, I mentioned that only because I was going to make a joke about how I should begin using the private bathroom she uses and anyone that knows me also knows that's about the last thing you want. :P )
Days off: Au pairs get 1 and 1/2 days off per week and one full weekend per month. Those 1 and 1/2 days do not have to be in a continuous block of time. I believe, based on the spirit of the law and the fact that the education component is required, that the day off for an au pair cannot fall on the day they have schooling. It is also my belief that 1 and 1/2 days means 24 and 12 hours respectively; however, the interpretation by various agencies may be different. I know the agency that I go through actually interprets that as 9 hours and 4.5 hours during the usual workday. §62.31(e)(5)
Volunteer Work: It's true that you cannot have an au pair provide more than 45 hours per week. The DoS regulations make no mention whatsoever of time given on a completely voluntary basis. Voluntary means no payment or consideration of any kind would be given to au pair by the family. The au pair mentioned here was doing 42 hours one week, 45 hours the next, and volunteering 3 hours in return for every other weekend off. Definitely skirting the technical definition of the rules because there was some consideration given but hardly indentured servitude. The only real problem with it is that the DoL interprets hours to be week by week and you cannot average them. When we discovered this, we gave the au pair a choice between doing a straight 45 hour week or doing the 42/(45 + 3) split and were told she wanted the latter. This matter is basically moot as it has been previously corrected to a strict 45 hours per week--including those weeks the au pair has off--once I found out that the DoL's interpretation of volunteer is no consideration in return and that the au pair lied to us regarding her preference. As for volunteer work itself, as long as the volunteer work isn't childcare related, it's not against the rules. Au pairs are certainly able to volunteer at soup kitchens, churches, etc just so long as no consideration is given.
Withholding Pay: The standard thinking by au pairs, agencies, and most host families is that you cannot withhold pay for any reason; however, that's actually not true. § 62.31(j)(1) specifically states "(j) Wages and hours. Sponsors shall
require that au pair participants: (1) Are compensated at a weekly rate based upon 45 hours of child care services
per week and paid in conformance with the requirements of the Fair Labor Standards Act as interpreted and implemented by the United States Department of Labor. EduCare participants shall be compensated at a weekly rate that is 75% of the weekly rate paid to non-EduCare participants;".
Since that is a requirement for participation in the program as laid down with the Department of State, it cannot be modified by contract/agreement with The Agency. If the agency were to follow their own rules regarding the withholding of pay and be in violation of 62.31(j)(1) then a person could file a complaint which would have them reviewed for sanctions as defined by Subpart D - 62.50(a).
The Department of Labor interprets the FLSA as follows:
"The Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) does not require payment for time not worked, such as vacations, sick leave or holidays (federal or otherwise). These benefits are a matter of agreement between an employer and an employee (or the employee's representative)." (http://www.dol.gov/elaws/faq/esa/flsa/006.htm)
Since we know that au pair's are covered by the FLSA as domestic service employees and have a stipend (regular amount of pay on a set pay date every week) the 2 weeks of paid vacation can be considered a bona-fide benefits plan under the FLSA (29 C.F.R. § 541.602(b)(2)). As long as employers have a bona-fide benefits plan which includes a vacation and a sickleave plan, then an employer is completely within their rights to deduct sick days and other absences from an employees leave bank. The pay for the au pair must remain the same however UNLESS the deductions for absences of one or more full days puts the leave bank into a negative value. If there are no more days in the leave bank and days are still missed, an employer is completely within their right to deduct the missed days from the employees pay. (http://www.dol.gov/esa/whd/opinion/FLSA/2006/2006_09_14_32_FLSA.htm)
There's a lot more that I'd like to put up but this is getting long as it is. If you're a nanny or au pair and you don't like the above, tough sh*t. I don't like it either but since I'm in a situation where there's no flexibility any longer I'm having to learn what the rules really say and mean.
I'll finish this with the following:
-She had no cell phone when she arrived with us and actually hid the fact that she had a cell phone for several weeks--my wife saw her walking and talking on it. When it was brought up during a mediation with the LCC she stated "It is a personal cell phone and you should pretend that it does not exist."
-I did not remove her from my household immediately because I was unsure as to whether she knew she was not authorized to remove my child from my home. I allowed a several hours to pass before talking about it at length as the situation needed to be diffused and I was able to keep my child out of any possible harm until then. She did confirm with me that she knew that she was not supposed to (not authorized) to take my daughter out of our home but did so anyways because she was afraid to interrupt my wife while she was working. At the time, I was just relieved that everything was OK. I discovered later that she purposefully took the actions she took and appeared to have done so in a premeditated fashion as she spoke with others about doing so before taking the action.
The argument that 3.5 hours isn't a big deal is such a fallacy. In 3.5 hours, I can have driven across 3 separate state lines going in one direction. If a car were traveling at 60 miles per hour, for each minute that goes by there is about 21,895,644 square feet where your child could possibly be. The area of a circle for a car traveling 60 mph for 3.5 hours is about 966,706,659,072 square feet. Which sounds more likely for finding your missing child, 21,895,644 or 966,706,659,072 square feet?
-I do not get off on monitoring anyone as I consider it a huge waste of time I could be spending with my family. Therefore, although the system runs as a day to day part of our business, I do not actively review any of the recorded traffic unless I am involved in an ongoing investigation of a security related complaint. I tailored the rules of my IDS system to include the traffic of the internal home network after having a problem with our previous au pair illegally downloading files. However, I do find that the content filter and web cache in place for the whole family has been a very useful tool for both speeding up accessing websites and ensuring that a proper blocklist is in place to allow me to spend more time with my family and less time worrying about what this person may be up to now.
-If you're another host family, PLEASE do not give a person the benefit of the doubt if they have been kicked out of more than one other previous host family. That SHOULD have been a big red flag and I'd like to think in the future we'll be less likely to give a person like this one the benefit of the doubt.
-Why do so many people find just one thing to pick on rather than observe a person's rant in the whole?
Last, to the person that claimed my writing sucks: neener neener. :P Seriously though, go hang out on Craigslist.
Cheers,
Anonymous (who thinks he's going to need to purchase some fire extinguishers)
Goodness me!
I'm just sitting here counting my blessings. My employer gave me a raise yesterday because she heard my rent had gone up, and also as a thank you for helping her little boy master toilet training which she was finding tough. She knows I sometimes go clothes shopping while I'm on the clock with her son in his buggy, but she doesn't mind. She has my mobile number so she can call me during an emergency, and has only done so twice. She can change her plans at the drop of a hat and I'll come running to mind her boys. She gives me bonuses and presents at Christmas and on my birthday. I keep her house tidy and comfortable so she can relax after work. We chat to each other about books and films and theatre and her kids. We have a wonderful relationship and I'm so happy.
And look how different it could have been. Trust must be established on the first day, otherwise it will never surface.
You said, "Trust must be established on the first day, otherwise it will never surface."
That's true, but in the same fashion, trust must be based on truth. If you build a house on a faulty foundation then someday it's going to collapse.
This is really insane, and so so sad. The dad obviously knows the bare minimum he can *legally* get away with as far as the au pair system. She may be a horrible au pair, but nothing he posted (including the "kidnapping") indicates that. What a nightmare for this poor girl, but what a sad thing for his daughter, to be raised by people like this. They are obsessed with proving down to the last legalistic detail how badly their $150/week au pair (NOT a nanny! not even close) is doing her job, yet they have *no* issues with letting their daughter be in this person's care. If I was half as irate as the OP, for any reason, you bet my child would not be in the same care situation. And the whole thing is so completely disingenuous. If you really believe your child to have been *kidnapped*, you call the police. You don't wait to find out if the kidnapper knew it was OK. Spare me the legal definition of kidnapping - you know that no court and no sane person anywhere would agree that what you described was kidnapping, OP.
And on top of it, the guy is a narcissistic smart-ass who thinks he's thought of every possible objection to his insane obsession and is now regaling his coworkers, and the readers of this site, with what he imagines to be the offenses committed against him.
It's enough to make one nauseous, frankly.
Wait Am I missing something? Is he really pissed that she goes to McDonalds in her off time and *scoff* takes the car...what should she do hitch hike?? And you thought she kidnapped her? for a meesly 3 hours? And you still employ her?? Then that says you didn't think she really kidnapped her. Your an ass, poor girl, get outta there.
Wait, and did chick really suggest family daycare? I never thought I would see the day :)
OP, so now are you saying the volunteer hours were in a soup kitchen? Obviously that would be allowed. We assumed you meant extra hours working for the host family without pay. That is not allowed, because it could involve coercion. (That is one of the main reasons unions came into existence.)
Mimi,
Awww...you mentioned me! :-)
I suggested family daycare because that seems to be the cheapest childcare alternative (generally speaking) OTHER than an au pair. Lord forbid this man actually hire a nanny - he'd likely go for one of the $5 per hour faux "nannies" that decorate this blog.
Obviously, many (most?) licensed FDC's are run by people with more childcare experience than an au pair. Seems like el cheapo OP would appreciate being able to dictate whether a FDC provider could ever take his child out of the house, and he obviously really enjoys detailing minutae. So I bet he could make lots of good rules about his kid's care!
Do you think he's an actual lawyer, or just a frustrated wanna-be?
7:26, I think he's saying that he finagled an arangement where the ap worked 42 hours one week, then 48 the next, in exchange for having every other weekend off.
Obviously, if she's been forbidden the car, it would be hard to actually get anywhere to volunteer...
I think I might blame the ap agency as much as the op and the au pair. If they met this guy for mediation, they must have some idea of how whacko he is, and they left the ap there. Seems they did a poor job mediating and a really poor job protecting the ap.
To Mom,
I don't think what you wrote is beautiful. It was boring and has nothing to do with anything.
Your kids are probably dumbasses.
I hate to come down hard on ya Dad - but you need to kick this au pair to the curb. You can't trust her. PERIOD. That means she can't be trusted with your child. PERIOD. You have to pull the trigger and do it already. Your life may be inconevienced a bit by kicking her to the curb, but your conscience will be clear. Imagine the horror if she did something stupid (not maliciously) to hurt your child? You'll be kicking yourself for not kicking her out sooner. Get a back bone and put your foot down. DO WHAT YOU GO TO DO NOW.... you can find a nanny or even a temporary day care provider until you find a suitable candidate. Please do not keep this girl in your house any longer.
mimi,
Are you the reason when I look for size 14 shoes all I find are the ones for the right foot?
Are you really so dense as to think I'd stop someone from using the car simply because they went to a McDonalds?
The person drove to McDonalds on personal miles, wrote them down as work related miles, and had us reimburse them for the miles.
That's illegal and unethical. It doesn't matter what the dollar amount was, it's wrong.
I think he is hiding something and not saying what is really going on in his houshold with the babysiter/au pair, if the sitution is so bad why not fire her unless she has some kind of hold or secret on the family and they have no grounds to get rid of her . Why is he waiting until her time is up then to find someone else? Something does not add up. If someone takes off with my child for hours at a time , without me know where they are, and i can,t get a hold of them , that's grounds for them being fired. I don,t believe he is telling the whole story.
I'd totally feel the same way if I were you. You have the whole story. It's just unfortunate that my wife is wearing the pants at the moment.
I believe she's reading my rant and/or the comments now so hopefully something someone else said will get through to her where nothing I've said has been able to.
9:01
Wow! I never thought McDonald's was 360 miles away. I don't think their is a soul on earth that lives more than 10 miles from McDonalds...so that being said, what do you have to come up with 38 cents to the mile...hey hey big spender, slow down there! No wonder she did, she was probably trying to make up for the money,for the "volunteer hours" you scammed her out of. I couldn't say I blame her. So unethical to claim personal milage for money but totally PC to ask someone to work for free....man what was I thinking!
Dad,
I was pulling for you there...thinking maybe people were being a bit harsh with you, but then you insulted Mimi needlessly.
Ted is feeling very guilty tonight.
What tweaked tweaked your conscience? Are your children cast off into full time daycare, are you mean to them, or have you simply neglected to form any sort of bond with them? Don't blame the messenger, Teddy. Change your ways and your anger and guilt will take care of themselves.
Are you insane? You are STILL allowing this person you have such a huge conflict with to be around your child? Do your daughter a favor and stop worrying about "getting even" and act like a friggin' adult.
Stupidest most dangerously clueless parent post ever.
Sounds like dad tried to boink the aupair and she rebuffed him, now he is trying to do everything in his power to get rid of her.
Yep. And with him having such issues with control and spying on everything anyone does, I can just imagine what his poor daughter will be like as a teenager. If the au pair felt like she had to make up some story to cover her tracks for driving to McDonald's, what do you suppose DD will tell "Dad" when she's sneaking out to see boyfriends? She'll probably get her own personal cell phone and stash it somewhere where Dad would never know she had it. If he's still allowed visitation rights with er by then...
What nobody mentioned yet,but what really bothers me is this phrase:
Anyways, it takes 6-8 weeks to get another out of country au pair and we've decided we don't want the castoffs (aka. 'transition au pairs') any longer because they come with some serious baggage.
This is just mean.
Not every transition au pair has to leave her family because she was bad.
There are lots of families out there who just don't treat their AP right.
And then it's not to blame on the AP if she leaves the family.
I know some personal examples.
Oh yeah,right,not every AP is so desperate to stay in this country that she let the family treat her like sh*t without saying anything.
And then there are the cases,where there is just no chemistry between the children and the AP or,or,or...
There are so many reasons,why an AP might has to leave/wants to leave his or her family.
Not only because the parents are not satisfied with her work.
Thank god you're not interested in a transition AP.
And to the thing with the cellphone:
As you have to pay,even if you get called (in other parts of the world it's not like this) I wouldn't give my employer my private cellphonenumber either,if he is too stingy to provide me with a phone,even for work purposes or just for emergencies.
just my 2 cents.
OMG, you sound psychotic! I would not want to work for your family.
I feel no sympathy for you.
What a worthless piece of human being you are.
I just really wish that I knew this aupair so I could tell her to just walk out and do TO YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO TO HER.
When an employer hires an aupair they have scraped the very bottom of the barrel.I don't care how legal it is ; I consider it an extension of slavery.
I also don't care what the requirements are for the host parents regarding lodging- obviously it provides for the bare minimum, but who really gives that kind of minimal lodging and then talk about it?
Bottom of the barrel scrapers like you- who find great pleasure in exploiting people.
Your argument regarding this aupair is extremely petty. I can only imagine the nightmare you are to live with- you and your hapless wife.
The only people you will get sympathy from here are perhaps the same bottom of the barrel scrapers who think very little of other human beings.
She dared to take the car without asking...wow, it is true! you did employ a child.
Whenever you are about to do anything to another human being always remember the golden rule- "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"
You and your wife are hardly the most important people on the planet- it therefore means that God looks at you the same way He looks at her.
For once stop thinking of only yourself, and consider- Is this the way I would want my daughter treated???
You have abused your supposed power over her and her freedom by distorting her web time? Does that really make yu feel good about yourself?
May God help this poor aupair who is being stalked daily (not sure why the stalkers are not taking care of your child since they find the time to follow the person who does- go figure
You have too much time on your hands-get down on your knees and pray for forgiveness.
If I seemed as neurotic as you seem I'd want to know
Right on, Em.
I read the rant and I thought you were more of a asshole then the nanny. I wouldn't want to work for anyone that has the attitude you have. I hope she reads this and sees the real asshole YOU are. Your rant seems so childish.--by the way, I know your phone number now, HAH!
GROW UP
I think this whole thing was made up, due in part to no physical details, names, etc.
I don't think it's made up. I just think the father is a real jerk who can't really see the difference between reality and his own hang-ups. He has obviously blown the situation out of proportion.
I used to nanny for a family who reminds me of this guy: way more concerned with money than the welfare of their kids. They feel such guilt because they are not raising their children and they take it out on the people who they rely on to do the job for them.
It is all kinds of sad...
If the wife is indeed reading, I hope she posts and gives us her perspective. There's just so much disconnect here. It doesn't make sense that a mom who's "panicked" about her "kidnapped" daughter would allow the "kidnapper" to stay in her employ. I think Dad called it a kidnapping so he could initiate his covert investigation; he was just waiting for an excuse.
There are real issues here with the dad and that they go way beyond this particular au pair. (Note that he mentions another au pair illegally downloading files, requiring him to install some fancy montoring something or another.) This au pair sounds young and inexperienced, but not malicious.
It's just sad that the dad has set her up as an evil adversary. He's determined to win and fulfill his need to dominate. Poor au pair. Poor daughter. Maybe even poor wife.
You are a pig. You suspect and detest her and yet you allow her to continue caring for your child? PIG.
By the way, pig, the only one with the serious bagges is YOU. Maybe if you weren't so cheap and actually chose to hire an actual nanny instead of saving the money and getting an au pair you wouldn't be in this predicament.
I can't believe you are justifying spying on her. I can't beleive you're wasting time and money reading her emails, blocking her emails, and putting wires on hercar so that you can monitor her moves instead of just getting a new nanny. You are so gross. Karma is going to come down on you and your stupid wife SO HARD, Pig.
This is getting a little nasty folks.
Wife, please write in, identify yourself, and let us know whether your husband is excessively angry and exaggerating, or whether the nanny is really that bad. We don't have enough information here to guess.
But if he is the one who is out of line, at least that would explain WHY you would have the girl continue to care for your child.
Either way, it sounds like a miserable situation. If this is a young girl from a foreign country, perhaps it is best to end this now before either something bad happens to your child because she is as awful as your husband says, or the poor nanny is scarred for life by the way you are treating her if your husband is going Rambo on her.
At first I thought the nanny sounded horrible, but I didn't realize she was a young Au Pair. (Admittedly, I am unaware of how nanny or Au pair situations are even supposed to work...but I wouldn't expect any more from a kid than that she act like a kid. Duh.) She is probably frightened by your husband's reaction and, at this point, a little peeved. Her family is probably also quite distraught, having undoubtedly heard about what is going on in your house, and being unable to do anything from so far away. I doubt she has much desire to be a good employee for you anymore, no matter who instigated the bad blood. Somebody may complain to the Au pair service that you use and make it hard for you to get another?
Sorry, why are people with no experience with either nannying or hiring childcare posting on this board spouting off their "raise you own kids" nonsense? Go to babycenter blogs or something. And mom your story was insipid eye-rolling drivel frankly!
This situation is obviously as with everything else, 2 sides to every story and more than meets the eye. If you have childcare which is giving you pause for whatever reason (mommy instincts good enough reason) then you should not use that childcare. And keeping that childcare provider is just, well, I don't get it. That said, being that this is an au pair, the contracts require that you provide a car (not aware of anyone that needs to account for their mileage) and can only work 40 hrs a week. Au pairs are good for school-aged children who are not home much of the day, for getting ready in the am and homework after school and evenings. If you have babies at home, the only 40 hrs requirement is probably not going to work.
Are you insane?
Are you quite possibly the worst father in the world?
Aren't you a little ashamed?
How could you rant like that and then leave your child for another 6 weeks with a stranger you hate?
You do understand that she is raising your child, right.
I swear, you make me ill. And I'm pretty sure your children will grow to hate you one day too because they'll see your parenting as one massive failure.
Oh, you are not a father.
And your wife?
Don't get me started.
You know, I picture this asshole dad kinda like a Jeffrey Dahmer type. Probably soft spoken, maybe shy, clammy hands, refusing to look anyone in the eye, wears a suit and tie to work every day and seems clean cut and passes for normal, and then locks himself in AP's private bathroom to masturbate over her personal hygiene products and hacks into her emails for anythung titillating. Sick sick sick. AP hopefully is aware what she's dealing with and could certainly vacate her end of the contract on legal grouinds (working for a peeping tom/stalker is not required!) and screw these people. I hope she does.
OP, tell us more about the mediation with the agency. What were the issues discussd? What was the upshot?
I am withholding judgment on all of this but I do think that it is a bit much to call an au pair - a KID - a "cancerous growth" and "piece of trash". Your reaction to her actual or perceived misdeeds seems way out of proportion. And if the reaction is valid - that she belongs in jail for crimes of moral turpitude - then it makes no sense for you and your wife to keep her. Putting aside all the name-calling, this is what doesn't make sense.
I agree with the posters above who mentioned this girl's family. They are probably sick with worry. Think about THEM, and let her go in a mature, compassionate way.
This story is so upsetting. I can't stop thinking about these people.
Anon at 12:19, because they have as much right to "spout" their opinions as you do. Funny how that works.
This poor ap. Do you suppose she's the same one who was being starved by the "host" family with every food item in the house having notes telling her not to eat it? Do you suppose this prick is itemizing every bite of food she takes and weighing her poops so he can charge her by the ounce for whatever she didn't digest? I can't believe people like this are allowed to produce offspring. SO sad.
It is always interesting to see how angry and defensive (a classic manifestation of GUILT) people get when they read a "raise your own children" post.
Since you ask, the people who write here to let you know that that is best for your children do so for the specific reason that we read all of this CRAP that happens to your children while you are out "living your life," and they are stuck in the care of a negligent, cruel, or abusive caregiver who does not even love them.
We would hope that this site alone would shock you into your senses. But since you seem to run off into every weird direction of conversation EXCEPT what the child is going through, it seems that the children are the least of the concern in many of these instances. We find this shocking.
So we feel the need to chime in from time to time and point out the obvious: This kind of Crap wouldn't happen to your kids if you bothered to stay home and take care of them. When you leave your child with a stranger and something bad happens, it is YOUR fault. Look at www.childcaregonewrong.blogspot.com
Thats just creepy....sounds like another one of those "baby farms" where they just pile em in a crib and change them 5 mins before the parents pick them up.
Perhaps she went to McDonald's because you don't feed her? And she left with your child because she was afraid to disturb your wife's "work?" What have you or your wife done that would make her afraid? I have to say, I'm afraid of you too, and we've never even met.
You do realize that childcaregonewrong is ran by Jane Doe as well, right?
Mom, what you wrote was sweet, but really not relevant. This site is about those of us who CHOOSE to work and CHOOSE to employ a nanny. Why even read it if all you can think about is that parent's should stay home? Just like you are able to choose what is best for your children, others have the same right. Not all moms are so great either.. it's a crap shoot really. In a suburb south of Minneapolis last month a child drowned in the bathtub while her SAHM shopped for shoes on the internet. The baby was 11 months. Perhaps what is best for you is not whats best for professional working mothers. I respect your choice, try respecting mine.
To Quinn:
Well said.
lol...buddy you sound like the biggest whack job I have ever heard of??? You say all of this, yet it appears princess caraboo is still in your employ. Who in the world can take you seriously you jack a..!!!
Get a life.
So lets get this clear. She tries to "kidnap" your daughter...she "steals" from you...yet you keep her on.
Who is the real crazy person here? Methinks you doth protest too much.
Do you monitor what she eats too? Maybe she has to go to McDonalds to eat. Sheesh...get a life pal.
This is for "Mom"
That was a nice story mom...and its one that I am familiar with. I have a Masters in Social Work...but I stayed home when my kids were little..began to work when they were in school.
However...that story doesnt give you a reason to rant at other folks on here who have a different opinion from you. What exactly were you trying to say?
God, get off this guy's ass!
1) His wife is already riding it.
2) Why must every post here have responses where they call the OP's story a liar?
I dont know that I would call the op a liar. I do question the veracity of what he is saying however, relative to his decision to keep his Au Pair for another few weeks.
If he is that enraged...that insulted...and that worried, then why not let her go?
He also does sound petty. At least to my ears. What normal individual would really mind if the Au Pair drove a few miles to a McDonalds? In the grand scheme of things...there is much worse she could do.
This father feels the need to spy on her...I just dont understand why he would keep her on. He also called her some vicious names. I agree with other posters. She is apparently quite young...and I am sure she is afraid of this man...and probably doesnt know what to do right now. I have never used an agency, but could someone tell me if they check up on their charges at all? It seems to me they should bare some responsibility for this young woman.
Ahem... Quinn....
"Perhaps what is best for you is not whats best for professional working mothers. I respect your choice, try respecting mine."
No, I can't. It's just not respectable.
Cheers!
My wife is apparently not going to be reading or commenting in this thread after all. She said something about not having time for nor caring about what any people from some Internet discussion site think.
We did talk about things again last night and her thinking is pretty much as follows:
1. The most important thing is to ensure our child's safety and well being.
2. She feels we have mitigated the risks to the point that our child is safe whenever the au pair has our child.
3. She feels that it would cause undue hardship upon our child to suddenly remove from her life a person the child likes and replace them with a person she does not know.
4. She disagrees with me about the kidnapping. There's no doubt that what was done was wrong and she agrees that it does meet the statute definition of kidnapping but doesn't believe it was done as an intentional violation. In addition, the au pair has now been communicating any departure from the home with our child by leaving notes when she is unable to (or unwilling to) ask our permission. That has been a previously defined method of obtaining authorization for removing the child from our home.
5. Now that we have a better system in place for controlling risk, she feels comfortable enough to go through the process of getting a new au pair without having to get an interim solution that may or may not be worse for our child. The fact is that
you don't know what you'll have until you get it and we already know what we have and how to control the risks in our environment at the moment.
6. We continue to receive reports of the au pair treating our child very well when they are out together.
7. Every person is multi-faceted. Although it's my belief that this person is a criminal and I have evidence regarding same, the difference in ethics may be attributed to cultural differences. Although this au pair may dislike us as a family, she apparently does care enough for children (or our child specifically) to give her good care. We have no evidence of anything untoward happening in her treatment of Kendall.
8. I admittedly have a very black and white view of the world with regards to criminal behavior. I spend every day evaluating vulnerabilities and risks and helping to make decisions on how best to manage the risks inherent to a given situation where the cost of being wrong could be multiple lives. It has been suggested to me that I relax unless I'm not certain I've done everything to protect my child that I possibly can.
9. Money has little to do with the decision by my wife to fight for keeping the au pair for a couple more months. Instead, she views the other options as being bad for our child's mental state of mind.
OK. That's my wife's view of things. Now I'll give you my view having been reading the thread here for the last day or so and having some time to think...
Like so many Slashdot readers and Fark posters, many of you have apparently commented before you fully comprehend what was meant. That is not wholly your fault as I was writing the rant to be somewhat humorous/tongue-in-cheek and I did so at somewhere around 1:00am in the morning. I could have and should have been more lucid in my writing; however, at 1:00am, I really didn't care so much at the time as it was fun to write and post up. That being said, I have a low tolerance for people of low intelligence. My definition of low intelligence would include people whom simply chime in on a message forum or commentary with negative comments while obviously not caring enough to look at what was said before their ever so important message. If you can't keep yourself interested in one thing long enough to understand the whole thread, then don't bother responding because no one really cares about your self-obsessed opinion anyways.
In many ways Abraham Lincoln was right when he said "It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." This is especially applicable for those of you that continue to chime in without reading the full commentary thread, those of you that choose to be obtuse and simply 'not get it', and those of you with little more to say than some silly accusation regarding my family being a poor host family.
Anyways, on to other subjects...
I've had some more time to think about why I have been so angry regarding the way this au pair had planned on screwing my family over and I believe this is why I have been so bothered by it:
It's fairly obvious to me that many of you have no idea whatsoever about basic human patterns and their applicability to negotiation. For starters, lookup "Rule of Reciprocity" ("RoR") in Google. The basis of it is that it's a basic human pattern to give something of value in the expectation for the return for something of value (tit-for-tat). The rule of reciprocity is a mores common throughout all cultures. For anyone to make statements regarding it being wrong to deny the use of car, Internet, computer, private bathroom, television, etc. you either haven't thought about those things being given in the spirit of the RoR or you're naive enough to believe that anyone likes to feel cheated with regards to a negotiation.
The standard negotiation defined for au pairs is we pay them a stipend per week, 2 weeks of paid vacation per year, a private bedroom, 1 and 1/2 days off per week, and 1 full weekend off per month. In return, they give us 45 hours per week of child care related duties. Anything else that is given is a negotiation between the au pair and the host family.
In our case, we freely provided things of value that we did not need to and the rule of reciprocity would have us getting something in return for those things of value. This person has shown an extreme selfishness with regards to those things provided to the extent that she seems to expect them to be provided and apparently considers them part of the arrangements.
To that end, she has not even been willing to share her cell phone number with us to use in the case of emergency. We consider that something of value that should have been given under the rule of reciprocity; however, something so small that is beyond this person.
I have argued towards--and been denied so far--removing all things that we do not have to provide and I never really understood why until I got down to thinking about it. It's a negotiating tactic in reality. This person takes for granted all she is given. I spent money and hours running new cabling through the attic and down the walls to her room so that she would be able to watch the new TV we purchased for the new au pair and all that has been taken for granted. I guess deep down I'd like to make a statement regarding how bothered I am that what I did was unappreciated because of her selfishness.
I spent hours upon hours making this person feel welcome, giving them a private place with many small comforts to help alleviate boredom and home sickness, and built a new computer just for their use while part of our family. If this person had been honest from the beginning, and had it not been illegal to ask, I would have known that none of that would matter in the end and she never had any plans to honor her commitment of working till next August because she has a fiance in a state 6 hours away. She was basically forced to move in with any host family willing to take her to avoid going back to her own country.
Someone commented earlier that much of my anger comes from knowing that I was duped or taken for a ride. After thinking about it, I have decided that you're right. It's not only that this person has committed fraud (embezzlement) and--in my opinion--kidnapping but the whole reason for her being in our family was one big deception. If she had been honest, we may have had another au pair that actually acts and feels like family but instead I'm left to wonder what kind of lies or fraud this person is going to perpetrate next.
I couldn't wish this on any of you.
And I wouldn't wish you or your wife on anyone.
That poor Au Pair.
What she must suffer.
You horrid tiny man.
Dear Employer of Au Pair,
You sound smart and I like your writing/rambling. I imagine you are probably pretty good in bed, especially when you are thinking at the $1.48 your nanny gouged you out of by claiming two personal miles as business miles.
I like smart, firey men but on the down side; but men who obsess about money, especially nickels and dimes...oh they bore me.
Kisses,
claire from Piedmont
What I was trying to convey...and I realize is impossible with mere words...is that children just don't stay little for very long. The early years are so magical. I wished to somehow impress on moms who CHOOSE to work for any other reason than absolute necessity that they are robbing themselves of a gift that they cannot go back retrieve...EVER.
You think what you have or buy or achieve means ANYTHING compared to loving a child, firsthand, every day? If you do, you are missing out on the most profound joy of life.
Bash me if you want to. Your anger only shows how uncomfortable what I have to say makes you. There is a reason for that...and it has nothing to do with me.
sue - Haven't I seen you before? (http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/warriorshtm/troller.htm)
I have a frenemy who asks her children what they are doing for her for mother's day. These children are young. Thank God she is applying the pressure and letting them know that she expects to be celebrated on mother's day because when her children grow up and leave her lair of craziness, they are going to realize just how little her existence had to do with being a mother. And unlike baldness, it won't skip a generation. How will the children of self obsessed grow up and understand how to parent? They won't. They can't.
They told me the bird flu was coming at it was going to be a pandemic. On the East Coast, we have a pandemic of dusturbingly cold, disconnected parents; partlicularly mothers. Although they would never say it outloud, they silently salute Andrea Yates.
Of all the stupid comments here, the one I enjoy the most was the one where she calls this story fake because OP hasn't described her. WTH would he describe her? We describe nannies in nanny sighting posts so their employers can recognize them! This guy knows what she looks like- and guess what- her name isn't really princess caraboo.
mom - I totally agree with you. Unfortunately, we live in an area of the country with astronomical house prices and in order to have a stable single family home for our child we have to work at places 1.5 hours from our home.
There are tradeoffs to everything and this is unfortunately ours. I personally have arranged my work schedule such that I can maximize the amount of time I get to spend with my child.
I still don't like it. I'd rather be home with her every minute of every day but if it's the choice between stability for her and more time with her then I have to choose stability because I'd be spending less time with her were I out there trying to find another good job every day.
3:42: good call.
Honestly, why would I describe her when the minute I did there would be many vengeful nannies or au pairs that read this site trying to find out who she is so that they can try to get even for one employer that cares to stand up and make the very reasonable statement that ANY embezzling is wrong, ANY taking of a child is wrong, and extreme selfishness as part of any family is wrong.
If you really need a description so that you can envision what she looks like.. 5'7", brown hair, brown eyes, skin color close to 209,151,82.
Wow! What a huge difference that makes once you know what she looks like.
s/taking/unauthorized taking/
Sue, it is too bad that you don't realize not everyone wants to be you; a SAHM who writes about Ann Coulter on her blog. Enjoy your time with your kids and stop worrying about everyone else. I don't find unshowered, mom jean wearing, dull SAHM's respectable either, but I do give them the benefit of the doubt. You should try it.
What is 209 151 and 82??
To dad:
The more you talk/write, the more I dislike you. It is more than obvious that you don't just need to "relax"; you are OBSESSED with details and legally how things are supposed to be, exactly.
That's ridiculous. It sounds like you want to punish this nanny for doing something ridiculously small. Really, if it were such a big deal, she shouldn't/wouldn't be your nanny anymore. Wanting to take away the tv and cable? Come on... You are out of control.
Do you pay for her cell phone? If yes, then you have the number. If not, then deal with it. It is her private thing. If you are going to require that she have a cell phone so that YOU can contact her, then YOU pay the bill and it goes in your name. If you get another nanny (whatever poor soul takes the job), the rules are the same.
I really believe that until you can fix the problems with yourself as a care provider and as an employer, all your nannies after this one will coincidentally have the "same" problem. When really, the problem is YOU!
You do need to relax. And while you might think mai tais and a beach, I am suggesting a psychologist because it is obvious that you live in detail and don't know what "between the lines" means. Your wife is refusing to read or post, probably because she disagrees with you. But doesn't want to speak up because you will probably start citing your marriage vows, where in "section A, she vowed to obey her husband", and that makes everything crystal clear doesn't it?
You are dealing with another person, not a piece of paper some law implemented. Start acting like it!
209,151,82 are computer color codes, apparently for the nanny's skintone.
Dad is extremely removed from empathetic human interaction; Mom is likewise selfish and foolish and, yes, the poor kid is screwed.
Consider that the kid may be better off in almost any nanny's hands than in the hands of these obsessed and self-involved parents.
The nanny, of course, should get out as fast as possible. This hostile environment presents a hazard at least to her mental health. The dad is highly unstable; she may be in physical danger as well.
To 5:07....excellent post! And Sue...I love your blog, and you make sense all of the time. The dad is a dolt.
To the dad...please stop with the novel writing now. You arent impressing many people...and you know...maybe you have a problem with folks with "low intelligence"...but I have a problem with ignorance. You have that in spades my dear man. Your wife is most likely mortified.
My definition of low intelligence? Someone who posts some insane batshit uptight rant on a website and then is surprised that people would respond in any way other than sympathetically even though the poster themselves basically revealed all of their most dick-ish facets in their original post, followed of course by the poster's complete self-assurance that people not "reading" his rant correctly just proves that he is in fact smarter than evryone else in the world. The same idiotic self-obsessed, narcissistic world-view which undoubtedly made his au pair hate his fucking guts in the first place. And, oh yeah, he admits he has done NOTHING useful to rectify the situation which ostensibly threatens his child in the first place having received all the validation he needs of his own importance through an internet sight instead of actually maybe just spending some time with his kid in the first fucking place... I believe the current nomenclature is "douchebag".
Wound too tight, cheap, poor, anal...
these are a few of my (least) favorite things.
5:41 YOu are hilarious! If you're not already a writer, you ought to be. That's the funniest thing I have read in a long time. I can't stop laughing!
Quinn,
You don't have to worry about having a slovenly mate. No self respecting person of any quality whatsoever would have a thing to do with a person with such superficial values as you exhibit anyway.
I hope for your sake you earn a LOT of money at that job you prize so highly that you're willing to sacrifice your child's well being. Perhaps you can use it to attract some sort of gold digger. (Try to keep your superficiality under wraps, at least at first. Even gold diggers have standards.)
Be sure to save some loot for your children's therapy. Sounds like you're pounding some pretty questionable values into their little heads. Maybe you are one mom who is better off spending less time with the kiddos. You did manage to illustrate your point about that quite nicely, thank you.
7:00- The jealously is really showing. Perhaps you should head back to your trailer now and get off the free library computer.
The OP here is a Plonk. Not only that but he is a plonk without balls, because if he had any and he was sure of his convictions, he'd have addressed his complaints, suspicions, resentment and all the other crap he writes to the nanny, not to a bunch of readers from whom he seems to want vindication for having done any wrong himself. I am sure he picks his nose and his toes and has giant skidmarks in his boxers from his ginormous white jelly-like ass.
wow! this is a rough room
5:41, right on!
OP said (apparenty in all seriousness?!):
"I have a low tolerance for people of low intelligence. Let me help you out then, Stupid, so your opinion of yourself might not suffer.My definition of low intelligence would include people whom (make that WHO) simply chime in on a message forum or commentary with negative comments while obviously not caring enough to look at what was said before their ever so important message. If you can't keep yourself interested in one thing long enough to understand the whole thread, then don't bother responding because no one really cares about your self-obsessed opinion anyways."You seem to care about all of these opinions, as you're reading them all and spending WAY too much time blathering senselessly in response
Dude, I have a zero tolerance for assholes, and if you spent half as much time with your own child as you do typing long winded, self important inane bullshit (or batshit!) on message boards, you wouldn't need an au pair. But thanks for providing hours of entertainment at all of us who are ROFLOAO at you.
OP, OK, here is what you need to do. Spend the six weeks the au pair has remaining interviewing for a real professional nanny. Someone mature, with a masters in ECE, and several years experience as a full charge live in nanny for families with high standards. She must have impeccable references, and CPR and first aide certification. She must swim, and be able to supervise music practice. Tennis and riding might be a plus as your daughter grows older.
You will need to provide at least a room and bath, although many are used to a suit with sitting room. Cable TV with DVD, Internet, and a cell phone for work. A car, and gas card, and a credit card to use for the child's needs.
Her salary will be $1,000-$1,500, per week, with at least two weeks vacation, sick/personal days, holidays, health insurance, and retirement fund to be negotiated. Your accountant can advise you about the cost of your payments for S. S., unemployment, workman's comp. etc. when you set up her tax schedule. A word of advice....if you want to keep a great nanny, they are used to increasingly large holiday bonuses, and additional vacation weeks as the years go by.
Good Luck
8:46, I agree with you on what the OP needs, but I do think that the caliber of nanny you describe (such as myself) would only live-in if she had her own cottage or guest house that was seperate from the main house.
Of course, as soon as OP started calculating her mileage to the nearest 0.00001 cent, and demanding to know where she went to eat on her time off, he'd be searching for a NEW executive caliber nanny.
What a tool you are OP. A longwinded, foolish tool.
7:36
I am soooo curious. What kind of jealousy do you imagine it is that I have?
You should not keep someone who obviously aggrevates you. Whether the people here think it's founded or not, it's obvious you don't want anything more to do with her and it's not healthy for anyone concerned to prolong the situation. Before you DO hire a replacement, you should sit down and think hard about what your childcare needs and expectations really are and decide if an au pair is for you. You may need a more full service arrangement like a full time professional live in nanny. And you should be very clear on every minute detail of your household rules, amenities provided, additional compensation hours, etc. with your candidates ahead of time so you can insure this time around you find a better match for your family.
On the cell phone issue, I always felt since I expect my employer provide cell phone service for my job, I should do the same for my nanny. It is reasonable to expect to able to reach the nanny at any time during work hours, but it is unreasonable for you to expect to provide her to use her private property to do so. If you don't provide a cell phone, you shouldn't expect to have ready access. And, you should never call her in off hours unless it is truly an emergency. Her life is her own and it is especially important to be sensitive to those boundaries with a live in.
As for being concerned about what your co-workers and neighbors think/hear about the nanny and your family, this too shall pass. They will lose interest when you end this unhealthy situation and the drama dies.
8:46!!!!
you just described a stay at home mother!!
giggle snort.
That snort must have been drugs.
But don't worry. Your child isn't in any danger. Somebody else is probably watching it. Are you a close personal friend of Britney Spears? Or just a Britney wannabe?
Let me get this correct. This person is such a horrible person but you still have no qualms about leaving your children in her care, until you have exacted your plans of revenge on her? Unbelievable
The writer of this rant, it seems, is himself quite "self-obsessed" and also rather long winded. He also seems to be a control freak and, frankly, a tyrant. I pity his wife and feel bad for his daughter. The au pair is the lucky one, because she will soon be free of him.
the Plonker is writing on here because he is terrified of his wife. He's not a tyrant. He's a wimp devoid of balls, friends, and any kind of appeal to the female persuasion. His wife sticks around because of his paycheck but he doesn't make a move without her permission. Like he said, if it were up to him, the nanny would be gone already. Loser.
Mom and others of like opinions: I know I may be late to comment, but just read your lovely post earlier. You and your family are truly fortunate to have had a great experience as a stay at hom Mom. However, until you walk in the shoes of another, you shouldn't judge working Moms and their families, painting us all with the same brush. Every family is different and just because a Mom works, does not mean her children are neglected.
I too have 3 wonderful children, and although they are not college yet (my babies are 11,9 and 7), so far I have balanced work as well as being their Mom with the help of a wonderful nanny/household manager who has been very much a part of our family since my first was born. I have never (nor do my children feel) that I ever place my career above them. I worked from home before they were school aged, arranging my schedule to take full advantage of quiet times when they were napping, and blocking time during the day for mommy and me classes and trips to the park. My nanny did spend more time with them before they reached age 6 as now, but she took great care of them and we made sure we scheduled one on one time for each of them with both nanny and mommy every day. I have never missed any of my three children's school plays, trips, PTA events (I am chair at least one committee each school year), teacher conference or doctor appointment. I simply work my schedule around these things. I take off from work every school holiday. I dress my children every morning, do homework with them and read to them and tuck them in every night. At all times my children have known there were three people who loved them looking out for them and cheering them on at all times--their Mom, their Dad and their Nanny.
Now that they are older, there is only one 90 minute period a day when they are exclusively with the nanny--when she picks them up from school, takes them home, gives them a snack, and plays with them--and they enjoy this time with her and my youngest even complains he doesn't get to spend as much time with her as he used to. While my children are in school my nanny takes care of any household tasks that need to get done that could interfere with me being able to focus 100% on the kids--shopping, laundry, household organization, sorting mail, meal preparation, RSVPing to the children's party invitations, etc. She is 100% focused on them from the moment she meets them at the school door and makes sure there is nothing that I need to deal with at home that could distract me from being 100% focused on them when I get home. My kids get more personal attention as some of their friends with stay at home Moms. The kids don't resent the 90 minutes a day when Nanny fawns over them before I get home and the six hours a week (I pick the kids up at school on Fridays myself) that I am at the office when I could be at home with my kids is not depriving me of seeing them grow up.
I too, am a lucky Mom, and am blessed with wonderful children and the opportunity to spend time seeing them grow, but I didn't have to chose to sacrifice a career that makes me proud and ALSO gives me a great deal of personal satisfaction to do that--because I have a wonderful nanny to support my family.
What about moms that have to work and can't afford a nanny/household manager. The mothers that truly have to work, the ones that are struggling, don't have nannies. They either have daycare or family assistance.
I enjoyed reading your post 11:06 sounds like you have a great working plan.
I made a posting earlier that I'd like to retract.
I apologize for stating that you're an asshole. I posted while reacting and it colored my judgment.
From here on, I'm going to work at keeping myself out off this message board so I can cut my 64 BMI down to 17.
If you see any further messages from me, they are some other cali mom and not the real one.
No...Cali Mom--- no!!!
I visit this blog every evening after the kids are asleep. My chair is a giant exercise ball. I'm doing abs while I surf...
Don't go...
And as for this guy-
We had an au pair once. It was a mistake because she was just too young for our taste. The stipend was in exchange for 45 hours of work. But she rarely worked 45 hours. And your au pair- with a wohm- why would you need her to work all 45 ever? And the one time she got to work 42, you tried to nickel and dime her? That's just wrong.
I get your rant, but tight people always think they have done so much for other people and in reality they always want to get MORE. That's part of being a tight ass. You don't have a good deal until you have tipped your waitress 12 cents on your $40 meal.
And to all the tight and frugal people out there, I get the need to be frugal. But I would cut coupons before I tried to bilk my nanny out of her services or underpay her. YOu want your nanny to feel valued and if you don't you have the wrong nanny.
You got one thing right OP. Most people probably didn't 'really read' all of your post, because clearly most people prefer to spend that kind of energy on something worth reading.
I didn't need to go through it with a fine tooth comb to realize what kind of person you are.
Apparently you think yourself to be quite intelligent- not to mention justified in your rantings: if you didn't know this- a lot of people use jobs as stepping-stones- duh!
The fact that you have taken this personal shows one thing about you- that you are indeed quite puerile.
So sad that people like you exist.
You and your 'reciprocity' and the like- whatever happened to just doings things because it's the right thing to do.
...and your Abraham Lincoln quotes- ugh! the boredom!
Find some other forum- this site is about "I saw your nanny" not "Let me show you how much of a jackass 'employer' I am"
I use the term 'employer' very loosely.
...and don't bother to try explain what the term means- Mr. Black and White.
11:06
Thank you for your lovely post. You sound very much like my employer, a hard working loving and involved mom. I wish the SAHMs who constantly bash working moms could understand that children can be loved, happy and well cared for with a combination of mom, dad, and nanny. A good nanny functions in a child's life much like an aunt or grandmother might. An additional person to love and care for them.
UES Nanny
Wow cali mom. I totally hope you aren't leaving on account of me. I'll admit that I like to wind people up and may have been overly dramatic but at essence here is a real problem that I have ongoing in how to deal with this au pair.
I think you should stay. We may have serious disagreements but I really don't blame you. I'm cool with you disagreeing with me. If you really must leave, I wish you luck in your weight loss. I lost more than 275 lbs myself a couple years back so I totally feel your pain.
Any now back to the program...
I'm so tired of the penny pinching/frugal line of talk that I may as well comment on it.
We took our last au pair on a week long cruise (with her own private cabin) of the carribeans just because we thought she deserved it. The only thing she had to pay for on the cruise was the tips and I even helped her out with those.
During the cruise, the only thing we really asked of the au pair was that she watch our child while we were scuba diving since we cannot take our child underwater and I didn't want to leave our child on the ship. The rest of the time was pretty much all hers to do with whatever she wanted and we saw very little of her.
This isn't about penny pinching or being frugal. Please move on from that train of thought as it seems to be the only thing some of you are concentrating on.
Someone said, "You sound smart and I like your writing/rambling. I imagine you are probably pretty good in bed, especially when you are thinking at the $1.48 your nanny gouged you out of by claiming two personal miles as business miles."
As for being good in bed, I'm the greatest there is as long as all you need is portable hot water heater that snores.
Well well, seems the Botox Bitch has finally learned a new trick. Here honey, have a fish. Good girl.
That was NOT me that made that post, so don't start your party yet. Cause I don't retract SH*T, This OP is a complete asshole. Nuf said.
A word to you Miss C*nt face in need of real friends and labioplasty, Jane Doe knows your IP and can block you in a heartbeat for violating TOS. Now go find yourself a new nanny to kick around cause I'm here to stay.
OP, if that's really you at 12:27, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.
But I doubt it's really you, more likely just the same stupid human tricks poster who pulled that on me 37 minutes prior to pretending to be you. Probably the same poster who claimed to be a bored househusband and liked to surf porn sites when he wasn't stirring shit here, while his wife was at work all day. As if the shit ever needs stirring here!
Maybe this thread will also get closed to new posts, and THAT would be no fun!
real cali mom - (first, that was actually me posting about taking our last au pair on the cruise)
I'm confused. You're saying that someone posted something up under your account? Isn't that illegal?
I may be an asshole but I can tell you but at least I am not enough of an angry twat to have people following me into new threads with the sole purpose of harassment.
Many of those posting here are so transparent that it's easy to see you're a bunch of angry women, probably more than half of which are divorcees, that simply swarm on the one man that bothers posting something on this big estrogen festival.
I don't know if that's because you can't get over the fact that I trust my wife absolutely or just because I have a penis--although I suspect it's the latter.
Get over the fact that I'm a man complaining about a woman already. It's not my fault that some deadbeat dad wont pay for your kids or your man left you for someone younger. Stop arguing via the use of easily dispelled fallacies and get something concrete so you can make arguments of substance rather than childish name calling.
Until then, say what you want but I'll just think of you as a bunch of man haters.
-OP (cmihater at yahoo.com if you want to verify)
The poor baby. How many au pairs/nannies/sitters is she going to have through her life?
I love how you think it's all our issues, crazy dad. You've gone through life like that, haven't you? Newsflash: we're not the ones nickling and diming and stalking our au pair. That would be you. Oh, wait -- no! You're not stalking her! You're just monitoring her every move with a GPS, regulating her email traffic, and running traces on her personal cell phone. Nice. Seriously, it's very simple -- if you don't like the job she does, fire her.
But she isn't the real issue here, is she? The real issue here is you. You want attention. You want justification. You want to impress us all with your balls of steel, razor-sharp wit and utter disregard for apostrophes. I know it might seem hard to fathom, but we're laughing at you, not with. And that doesn't make us bitter divorced hags who will never know the touch of a man again, that makes us people with a clue about reality.
Get. Help. You need it.
10:36..could not have said it better than that! Well done. Dad...go to work now...do something useful. Oh..and I really dont want your penis.
"If you can't keep yourself interested in one thing long enough to understand the whole thread, then don't bother responding because no one really cares about your self-obsessed opinion anyways."
Except yourself, or else you wouldn't have:
a)posted this petty, disgusting rant in the first place.
or
b)continued to interact with us and our 'self-obsessed opinions'.
Clearly you care very much.
You are the most delusional ,self-aggrandizing, self-victimizing, self-righteous and self-obsessed PIG, and every time you put up a new response trying to justify the fact that you are continuing to leave your child in the care of a person you claim to trust so little you need to spy on her like the dirty pig that you are, you betray yourself as even more of the dirty pig than I had originally, and rightly, suspected.
If your wife can't even be bothered to take two seconds to address an issue you brought onto this forum is it really so hard for us to believe that the nanny was so terrified of disturbing her that she took "Kendell" (classy and smart of you to put up the child's name, btw, pig)out of the house without informing her?
You claim to simply hate the injustice of her driving to MCDonald's and them claming the milage as work-related, but you have no problem trying to get her ot 'volunteer' hours of childcare for you? Do you not see that you're both thieves, and you have no right to judge her for doing the same thing you tried to do?
Do you feel emeasculated by the fact that she actully found a way (no matter how petty, what, did you have to give her an extra dollar for the milage, pig?) to get around your sneaky, evil THIEVERY so you had to put it all on her?
No one is fooled.
Your penis is no bigger to us (or apparantly your wife) because you are stonewalling an 18 year old from another country whom you yourself admit is a good nanny to your child.
You are not clever. You are a bully and a fraud and a PIG. If you had even an ounce of decency you would let the nanny in on all of your dirty subterfuge so that she isn't caught with her pants down and shitcanned out of the country because you were so intent on 'destoying' her for things that are clearly not dealbreakers, AS SHE IS STILL IN YOUR HOME TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD ,that you contnied to keep her in your home as you spied on her, prevented her from fnding a new home or a new position, and lied to her face like the lying pig you are.
You are stupid and petty, and you are utterly without shame. I am sad for the Au Pair, I am sad for your daughter, and I am disgusted by you. Pig.
My definition of low intelligence? Someone who posts some insane batshit uptight rant on a website and then is surprised that people would respond in any way other than sympathetically even though the poster themselves basically revealed all of their most dick-ish facets in their original post, followed of course by the poster's complete self-assurance that people not "reading" his rant correctly just proves that he is in fact smarter than evryone else in the world. The same idiotic self-obsessed, narcissistic world-view which undoubtedly made his au pair hate his fucking guts in the first place. And, oh yeah, he admits he has done NOTHING useful to rectify the situation which ostensibly threatens his child in the first place having received all the validation he needs of his own importance through an internet sight instead of actually maybe just spending some time with his kid in the first fucking place... I believe the current nomenclature is "douchebag".
I love you, whomever posted this. That is all.
Anonymous said...
I love how you think it's all our issues, crazy dad. You've gone through life like that, haven't you? Newsflash: we're not the ones nickling and diming and stalking our au pair. That would be you. Oh, wait -- no! You're not stalking her! You're just monitoring her every move with a GPS, regulating her email traffic, and running traces on her personal cell phone. Nice. Seriously, it's very simple -- if you don't like the job she does, fire her.
But she isn't the real issue here, is she? The real issue here is you. You want attention. You want justification. You want to impress us all with your balls of steel, razor-sharp wit and utter disregard for apostrophes. I know it might seem hard to fathom, but we're laughing at you, not with. And that doesn't make us bitter divorced hags who will never know the touch of a man again, that makes us people with a clue about reality.
Get. Help. You need it.
Brilliant!!!
Wow, 8:05 (OP). Get over yourself! Do your nannies really fall for your seduction moves with your huge ego in the way????
Man, I feel the need to take a long shower and use some extra sanitizing hand gel after reading this putz'z ramblings. It's like something out of SNL! He even has to pull out the old "penis envy" and "you're just mad because you really lust after me" lines. I'm surprised he didn't try to claim nthe whole board was PMS-ing, to explain why he can't find anyone to sympathize with "him" here. (Using that word loosely of course...) Shall we send him over the edge by saying he must have vagina envy, or is he too boring already?
OP, our mockery and disdain for your tactics and your actions have absolutely nothing to do with either your anatomy or our marital or parental status.
We mock you because you're so very very mockable. Period.
And tossing out the old "man haters!" card is the general tactic used by men who hate women when women are besting them in a discussion.
Just a suggestion for you: if you have such an important life with so many essential things to do above and beyond keeping track of your au pair's every move, then stop posting here.
You aren't going to convince any of us to take your side in your undeclared super secret games.
In his last post, OP stated that the au pair treats his child very well , his child is happy with her and that he and his wife continue to receive good reports of her when she's out with their child. YET he complains.
No doubt regulations state what MUST be provided for au pairs but what everyone here has to understand is that that is the BARE MINIMUM. Most families give much more (TV & DVD player, car and/or use of car, cell phone with $20-25 a month, vacations with the family , private bathrooms as well as extra days off-other than the 2 weeks paid vacation- are very common extras given by host families and is in fact the norm rather than the exception). Families want the au pair happy so that she takes good care of her children and it works.
I was an au pair and have had au pairs . My family gave me $550 phone allowance (one year, not each month!), language lessons, 6 weeks paid vacation, an air ticket to Rome for my birthday as well as all the usual stuff like health insurance etc). Was I good to them? Yes. I took great care of their child because I didn't feel taken advantaged off. I still keep in touch with them and the child (despite only being a baby when I took care of him) remembers me .
When I visit, he always lights up and says my name, plays with me and all that.
You would be better off hiring a nanny. I don't think what you want fits with the au pair programme.
I suppose I can't speak for everybody, but I can't imagine that there's a stay at home mom in the world who would have anything but understanding and the utmost compassion for a mommy who, for reasons beyond her control, has to put her dear, beloved child into some kind of hired care. In fact,(and I fully expect a lot of hate to come my way for this, so have at it folks) every time I read a post on here from a mom who says she wants to be with her child but is unable, I stop and say a little prayer for her that that will become possible for her in the very near future. (Eric's mom, you're in my prayers.)I know how I would feel in that situation, and I have nothing but compassion...and admiration that that mom is taking responsibility for supporting her child.
And I don't think anybody would judge a mom who has a nanny as a mommy's helper, but still spends the majority of her time devoted to raising her own children. We all can use a little extra help, as long as we don't take advantage to the detriment of our children.
I know that it sounds like people are generalizing, but I think that's probably because nobody wants to have to write a book full of disclaimers to every single post.
I think I can safely say that the moms who write here are interested in reaching moms who needlessly cast their children aside in order to pursue their own personal fulfillment. That's just selfish, and very detrimental to their children.
When a mom works out of true necessity, I think a kid grows up and realizes that they were not rejected, but loved enough to be sacrificed for. When a mom leaves her kid with a nanny all day because she wants more material posessions, social status, professional power, personal fulfillment, or simply to be away from her kids,the kids eventually grow up and realize how unimportant they were to their parents. That's heartbreaking. And cruel.
This was the most interesting report and series of comments in a while, so I don't know why y'all would run him off.
Um, hi, maybe I didn't read all 162 posts thoroughly, but... why didn't you do the background check BEFORE you hired her?
You sound like a nut. You and your wife should probably stop having children if neither of you can put your work aside in order to get rid of the target of your tyrannical rage. Your poor kids!
who's the nutter now?
background check on a foreigner? who would do that- the KGB??
Don't hire non Americans. Whether you call em nannies, au pairs or day laborers. DO NOT do it.
647...I think most people read all the posts. you dont need to copy and paste your inquiry onto every post.
OMG. Cali Mom...this would make an awesome SNL sketch! LOL.
Meme,
Do you happen to live in Texas? I have never encountered that name before, but I noticed today that there is a Meme who teaches an exercise class at my gym. Could it be you?
IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY WHY WHOULD YOU WANT THIS PERSON AROUND YOUR CHILD ONE MINUTE LONGER????
I have an aunt meme
1:06...how nice. I used to post under another moniker, but for reasons that will remain private, I felt the need to become anonymous for some time and then I decided to pick a new moniker. Meme is what we called my grandmother and it just hit me as a good name to use on here.
And for the record, I dont know who Mimi is. She is not me, although the name is very similar. I never saw her comment a couple days ago. Nothing against her...just want to be clear that we are not the same person.
and they say that males are more of a risk.... weeee...
Hi.
I read all the posts.
Can't say I agree with most.
I'm retired now, so I have time to surf the internet and found this site by accident.
All these postings remind me of a movie I saw recently called: Train Man (Japanese with english subtitles).
Mr. Sees-things-in-Black-and-White Complainer Dude, you need to get a life. This life you're living on the internet is pathetic.
I do admit, however, that your writing is better than most. I'm a former editor, so I can appreciate your clarity of thought and well-reasoned rationale.
But...let's get real here. I know people who've used au pairs. You're particularly bothered by your au pair's cultural differences. Lying is probably perfectly normal for her because she can't meet your expectations.
What really fries your bacon is that she has a fiance six hours away and you feel like you've been duped because you paid her ticket and you're determined to get the maximum benefit for the minimum input you can.
And yeah, the cruise thing is common. Family takes a cruise, so they take the au pair with them. Big Deal. AND you MADE her pay for ANY PART of it? And you claim you're not a tight-wad? Puh-leeze! Who are you trying to kid? We're not as stupid as you think.
As an aside, I LOVE the mom who sacrificed to be with her children all the time and one is in college now. I LOVE YOU! You remind me of my own Mom. I grew up poor, but blessed to have a mom like you. Thanks and God bless.
Thanks dad at 2:23. You certainly have your priorities straight. I don't know if you always felt as you do, but it seems that most people, as they reach retirement age, almost no what their values in life early on, make the shift to finding value in people and relationships above all else.
Some people get it early on...the lucky ones...and others don't realize until it's too late, that who we love and how we love are everything in life, and what we have and what we win means nothing at the end of the day.
I worry for the parents here who have kids, but don't get what they're worth. And for their kids 1000 times more.
Fire the nanny then get counseling for both you and your wife fast. This mess has been going on for too long.
Obviously a fake posting. Nobody would in reality make their kid go through this.
Either you're a highly irresponsible parent (if what you're saying about this nanny is true) or you're lying and/or exaggerating about the nanny. If she's a kidnapper/embezzler, there's no way she should be around your kids or anyone else's. You have a moral/ethical obligation to other parents who would hire her to report her to the proper authorities. If you're lying/exaggerating, you have a moreal/ethical obligation to stop smearing her.
OP Dad, you strike me as the kind of guy who throws a tantrum when his half caf, no foam, extra hot, white mocha soy latte is made incorrectly. I imagine you also fume about the "stupid" bag boy who forgot to put your frozen peas in a freezer bag and the "morons" at work.
If you think this sort of petty, angry, self aggrandizing behavior doesn't have an effect on your child, you are DEAD wrong.
I'm a part time nanny who moved 2000 miles away to escape my dad's controlling ways, so I would never subject my charges to this sort of drama. I am baffled that anyone would put their own child in the middle of such nonsense. But the fact that you describe a human being using computer codes tells me you are completely detached from reality.
Oh, and before you start in on another rant to prove how much more intelligent you are than me, I'm in med school.
Donna from Cali
Sounds like a paranoid, hateful, individual, who, for lack of hobbies, goes to great lengths to spy on someone who he could just as well fire.
What kind of parent leaves their child with someone that they feel this way about? I don't care about this nanny, but I do worry about the parenting being displayed here.
OP: Just a reminder: the letter killeth but the spirit giveth life. Think about it.
I think you just killethed this thread
what kind of insane man is this? what a load of crap. you are a bad parent and so is your wife if al lthis is really going on and you let her stay with you.
SO the mother is at home yet they still hire this woman. SAD SAD SAD SAD.
If something happened to the child it would be all the parents fault. Sickening.
I think they are having grouble firing the nanny because she has some dirt on them. They all are drama queens. Poor child, I hope his grandparents get custody of him.
Are you ALL mad? The person who wrote this is clearly unbalanced and I would question how healthy it is for HIM to be around children. Throwing words around like 'evil' and making threats to the air, it's so childish, certainly not the kind of thing I believed this blog to be a forum for. How can any one read his post and empathize with him!!!!?
If he is so unhappy with his nanny why on earth is he still employing her? He is consciously letting his child be with someone who he doesn't feel fit to take care of her. Yet he is fit to take care of her? More proof that the whole good parent/ bad nanny thing is totally hypocritical and often times on this blog, not an outlet for 'venting', but for blatent racism.
8:27...I have been waiting to see if someone would step up to the plate with a response like that. I could not agree more!
Seriously, as much of a douchebag as im sure you are, this needs to be put on Craigslist.
That way other people can laugh at your stupidity too.
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