Received Sunday, July 8, 2007/Rant
I'm the mom that wrote in a post about 2 weeks ago concerning an incident with my son and a toy. (Refer to Dominicks, June 27). Well, it happened again. I was at a grocery store with my son and he wanted me to buy doughnuts. I told him I would as a treat because he had been doing so well. I like to occasionally reward my child, but don't make it a habit to buy him everything he asks for, hence my rant about the toy. So my son, being a typical 6 y.o., got a little excited and danced a jig around the little doughnut display. It lasted all of 10 seconds, but another lady approached my son and told him that he needed to behave. My son looked up at me quizzically, like, "what did I do wrong?". She then bent down into my sons face and told him that he shouldn't be "dancing all over the store", and that he "better mind his mommy". I was floored! I took my son by the hand and led him away .... telling him that he was fine, and he didn't do anything wrong. My question is, why do "strangers" find it o.k. to "parent" my child? This has happened quite a few times, and I am sick of it. I am not so deluded that I think my child is perfect, but he is very well behaved. I can't seem to win. I am either too nice, or too mean. I don't think I am either .... I happen to believe I am a good and fair mom. But I am also left feeling insulted that they offer this unsolicited advice. Why do people do this? I would never dream of approaching another parent and telling them what to do. Maybe someone can offer advice on how to respond to these rude people. No flames, please.
Received Sunday, July 8, 2007/Rant
Last week the one year old I nanny for and I went to Starbucks to buy a cookie (a rare treat, have permission). While paying I put the boy on the counter and held onto him, gave the cashier the money and picked the boy back up. We then did the same thing at the napkin counter.A lady came up to me and said "If I tell you something will you not get mad?" I was confused and said "Ok". Then she went on to scold me how I shouldn't put the boy up like that because he could end up in the emergency room.I had no idea how to comment and was shocked at her nerve! He wasn't up there that long and I never left him. I always had a strong grip on his torso, and was literally standing right in front of him. I just told her "thank you" and left. I had no idea what else to say (although I was tempted to remind her that she left her children unattended to tell me this!), and also thought she came up to me because it's obvious I'm his nanny (I'm AA and he's a PALE white baby :).My question is how do you handle when other people try to give you "advice"?
38 comments:
I have had several similar experiences. I don't know what advice to give you, but it is getting harder to hold your tongue, I assume. I know it is for me. The same goes for when I was pregnant, when every person on Earth thought it was their business to gawk, touch and ask personal questions. Why are mom's such fair game to these people?
Try not to be so bothered about it. Many people, elderly, different cultures, and just plain rude people say stuff all the time. If it bothers you that much, say to the person in front of your child, "My son is a good boy and he is doing nothing wrong except being a child. Now please leave him alone."
It is annoying, we have all dealt with it, but try not to let it get to you. I have a child now, she is 10 months, but before I had her, I was a nanny and once my 1 and a half year old charge was having a temper tantrum in the lobby of the public library. (She was angry that it was time to go home for lunch.) Well people were rushing over to us asking what was wrong with her! Looking at me as If I were hitting her or something! People are very strange.
to ble:
There is nothing I hated worse when I was pregnant than strangers trying to touch me! Ugh...
I would have told her that he WAS minding his mommy...and started to dance right along with him!
Some older people do that. I don't know why. My grandmother used to do it until she got yelled at. Its an old school thing. Alot of them don't man any harm.
Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one, even if it's not functional.
I don't see any problem with either of the scenarios listed. I too believe that a treat for good behavior, or even a rough experience, is great from time to time. And these people were out of line to butt in!
I do my best not to butt in, however, around 9:00 Friday night I was at a restaurant with my husband and in-laws. It was a quiet restaurant and as we were waiting for our food there were four women and a toddler seated across the aisle from us. The toddler was crying, and crying, and cring. No one from the table ever got up and walked away with the child, they just ignored her saying "there's nothing wrong with her, I don't know why she's crying". We kept giving them glances. Finally, after about 15 mins the child stopped when the women started feeding her. And shortly there after the child feel asleep - sitting in the high chair. What kind of parent does that - this child was hungry and tired!?
I usually bite my tongue, and still didn't actually say anything in this case, but only in a restaurant or movie theater do I get annoyed - unless it is a "kids" movie or a loud family or kid-oriented restaurant.
Anyone who wouldn't be happy to see a little boy dancing for joy in front of the donuts, is an old grouch. It is especially inappropriate for her to address herself to the child!
Nanny, as long as you had a hold of him, she should mind her own business. You kept your cool and handled it well. It is useless to get into a discussion with these people, especially in front of the children.
Ignore, ignore, ignore nosy morons and their nosy comments!!!
Next time someone does this to you, if you do want to respond to them--don't defend yourself. Don't give them that power.
Just say , "Thank you for sharing your opinion. If I see YOU doing something I don't like, I'll be sure to give you MY opinion!".
I noticed you mentioned you're AA and your charge is caucasian. Many people have a lot of bigoted and preconceived notions about AA nannies (I happen to be an AA nanny myself).
Ignore that too.
Just enjoy your job and move on.
Peace.
To the mommy with the sweet dancing donut-loving child:I cannot believe anyone would get in your child's face and attempt to criticize him like that.
I'm a nanny, and if anyone ever approaches my charges in such a rude manner, they have to answer to me.
I work for a high-profile family, and often deal with photogs and such, trying to talk to my charges while we're in public.
I've become quite skilled at deflecting these people, and protecting the children.
That's what it's all about, right?
Please keep your diapered baby and your baby in dirty play togs, and your baby with dirty shoes, feet or sandals off counters where food is served. How could that ever be OK?
If you do that, the baby/child can't fall, and no one can complain that you're taking a chance of hurting him/her.
Regarding the donut grump, I would have been tempted to say "I've taught my child not to speak to strangers, please don't approach other people's children it's not safe in this day and age..." HAHA You are correct in saying you can never please every one, that's why I've given up! Just try to ignore the fools or you'll have to come up with 5 million different snappy retorts to all the millions of different sour pusses and nosey drones in the world!
To the nanny, it sounds like another person who needs to learn to mind their own business. Unfortunately, some ignorant people are still prejudice and have nothing better to do than harass other people...try to blow it off your shoulders you know you're a good nanny and that's all that matters. karma will eventually bite these know it all snobs in the bum any way. Hah I will never get another adult telling another adult what to do...let alone a stranger, nice manners.
To every one else, especially if you are one of these types of people, get a life and stop policing other peoples business it's very irritating to those of us who have lives. LOL
i have a 3 year old my self,my son and i was at tjmaxx shopping,and my son love's to sing,make some funny sounds,and i was singing with him myself,he was'nt loud at all,he was just a happy little boy,one lady came up to me up to me and told me to do something to stop him,i was shocked,and could'nt say anything for a while,and then asked the woman are you kidding me? my son is not doing anything wrong,and she said,she was anoyed by my son who's singing next to her,i told her this is a public place.and thiers a lot of people listening to us and actually told the woman off,she could'nt take it and left the store.i was about to grab her by her hair,i was so mad.i told my son he wasnt doing anything wrong.and he keep singing :)
I do think people should mind their own business most of the time. I am a mother myself. I think the donut meanie lady was horrible! Mom, don't let people like that get you down: they have a screw loose!
As far as putting a child on a counter, well I don't think it's a good idea. There are some things that you can't help children doing (singing, dancing, playing, crying, pooping, spitting up etc) in public and anyone who gets pissed is mean. They are kids. However, I don't think putting a child on a counter is a great idea and I don't personally do it. I don't think the child could have fallen, the nanny was holding on, but it is the store's responsiblity to not let that happen. I worked in retail and food service and we were told by our bosses to not let people do that. Not only for the cleanliness factor as someone mentioned (I love my little one year old daughter's little diapered tooshie but others may not be so crazy about their bagel sitting next to it) but also stores don't want to take on the responsibility if a child were to hurt themselves. It's just common sense, actually and good manners not to do it.
Not to be a bitch...sorry!
Which is better...having a child securely in front of you, or having them under the counter, splitting your attention between him and the business your conducting...meanwhile he's picking stuff up from the floor, trying to put it in his mouth, playing the display shelf next to the counter, trying to pull the gum off the underside of the counter....etc. You did the right thing at Starbucks nanny! Just ignore people like that.
I absolutely agree with everyone above, people in most cases should learn to mind their own business, or run the risk of being told how they are acting by those of us who will not stand for it.
That being said, as a nanny, there have a been a couple of times that I have voiced my opinion. One was while I was with my charge at a park, and the father of an unsteady, probably 14-16 month old was across the playground climbing all over the big kids play gym. The kind with holes and 8-12 foot drops... The dad was flirting with another one of the moms that was sitting on the bench, and completely had his attention focused on that. I approached him (with my charge in tow), and told him I didn't think his child was quite big enough for that playground without an adult yet. He walked over to the playground, took his child off of it, left him next to the steps and walked away. The tot climbed right back up the stairs (and I noticed this as I was buckling my charge into his carseat).
The second big time I remember is when I was browsing for clothes with a girlfriend of mine at Marshalls. We were just walking through the aisles, when three young girls came running through, the oldest couldn't have been older than 12, and the youngest was about 5 or 6. The middle and older girl were yelling (yes, YELLING) at the youngest, and so she pushed her oldest sister back. The oldest girl slapped her in the face, and then they all three just started completely fighting physically with each other. I watched for about 10 seconds waiting for a parent, but nobody came. I stepped in and asked where the girls' parents were, but the two older ones ran off. The youngest led me to her mother who was halfway across the store in the purse section and I started to tell her what had gone on. She started telling me "You don't know nothing, you are a lying b**** and I am their mom...." I said "Well if it's ok with you that your children brawl in a clothes store, then fine, but I am a nanny and find this behavior unacceptable in any situation. I thought you should know", and I left at that.
In both situations, I felt personally responsible for the young people who were essentially being neglected by their parents. I don't think just approaching someone and giving them your two cents is appropriate, although I have definitely offered a helping hand to frazzled parents of screaming children on many occasions. Most have accepted and were totally nice about it, and it wasn't awkward. Those that said no, I smiled politely and went on with my day.
where is jmt and kelly and jennifer? vacation?
I grew up with a friend whose mother always said "counters are for glasses, not for asses".
1:51 - I think if it looks like a child could be in iminent danger, that's one thing, as accidents do happen ... so you were right to step in on that situation. But to just offer your two cents of advice? I'm surprised some people are brave enough to do that even nowadays as crazy as some people are, and as evidenced as to the second incident you mentioned, with that mom getting mouthy with you. But both of these situations look as if it was just plain neglect on the parents part.
I'm still lurking about...
I've had a bad summer cold and definitely haven't been up for the Night Owls Club lately.
Regarding the above posts, I believe that anything that touches the floor/ground should be kept off higher surfaces that might handle food, like counters or tables or seats (subway and railroad riders - keep your feet off the seats! You know what they walk in all day!). Superstitious people say it is "unlucky" to put shoes on a table. I think it was started by wise old housewives who didn't want dirt on their clean tables.
As for the nosy bodies that butt in with unwanted or unnecessary advice and admonitions, I like that fact that some people are still willing to say something when help is really needed. But they need to rein it in until there is an issue! That lady that jumped in after ten seconds of the "donut dance" needs to get another hobby. And it would be lovely if people gave some forethought as to how to intervene in a kind, non-threatening way. When I was little, my mom said she was having a very frustrating day with her three rambunctious little kids and was yelling at us. A very sweet neighbor was walking by the side of our house and the open window. She no doubt heard the ruckus, and said in a calming tone "Easy, mother!" My mother heard her, took a breath, laughed and lightened up. I think of that story whenever I see an overloaded mom. I also got a lot out of the link on this blog recommending how to intervene if you see child abuse. Be kind and sympathetic, not judgemental. That goes a long way.
Cheers!
hello 1:52AM. I missed you too. I have been doing a bit of travelling. You know, when I am not on on this blog, I actually miss all the characters, even the ones that attack me.
Re: The Donut Shop & Starbucks incident:
Unless a child is in danger, People need to mind their own business. And what better sight than a happily dancing child. One of my former charges and I always shared a starbucks treat every friday afternoon, and both had a great time bonding over a slice of gingerbread.
When I was a full time nanny, I got a lot of unwelcome comments and suggestions. One hot day, some guy walked up to me to tell me that I did't exercise good street-crossing manners. I had just hurried accross the street (on green light) due to kids' potty emergency). I guess we were supposed to snail our way across. Due to our little emergency, I had no time to argue, but I was able to tell the guy "shut up and mind your own business!". If it weren't for the potty emergency, I probably would have told him that I would report him to the fashion police for dressing like a pirate.
5:50AM: Re "counters are for glasses, not for asses". I love that saying. It's a very serious message with just the right amount of humor.
People like to say things because apparently if you were doing what you were suppose to there would be no need. I don't get this blog. Make up your damn minds. Do you want people to say something or not. When they do, you bitch and complain. They when they don't they are horrible people. No one can win.
I disagree with saying anything in front of the child. I was a taught to respect other adults. If a child sees you get upset because of what another adult told them to do, then they might have a problem with people who do matter when someone tells them to do something. I am split on this situation. Part of would get mad, the other part would try not to say anything because I don't want my child to get the wrong idea.
If your child (or yourself) is doing nothing wrong, then you SHOULD say something in front of the child so that they don't (wrongly) "learn" that other adults know better than you or learn not to stick up for themselves. That would be the WRONG idea!
OP of 'Doughnut dancing toddler' here:
Thank you so much for all of your kind advice, and incredible sense of humor! It made me feel so much better.
To 3:59:
After reading your post, it made me realize that I was dealing with an older lady and you're right, they probably do come from a time where this wasn't frowned upon or considered rude ... I will take that to heart next time and try to relax. I guess I don't think I would've been so upset except I felt she was "invading my sons space". When she stooped over him, I thought it would frighten him. But - he's fine, and he's happy he finally got his doughtnut!
I see this all the time; usually from older people. I don't know why people feel the need to tell others how to parent their children but it happens all the time. A nanny friend of mine actually had a complete stranger on the street try to take her two year old charge out of the stroller as the nanny was "obviously abusive.@ (Child was having an ordinary two year old reaction to beiong told she couldn't have any candy.
I was accosted myself by a woman on the subway platform the other day. Having taken my extremely sensible two and a half year old out of her stroller by the revolving gates so that I can fold the stroller I was stopped by a woman who kindly pointed out that she could run onto the tracks. (at least 10 feet away from my child who was patiently waiting by the gate.) I simply thanked her and pointed out that the only time I had taken my eyes of my child was to listen to her comment. She left quickly!
So peaople....unless a child is in danger, leave the parent or nanny alone.
12:17
I love that comeback! Now why can't I ever think of things like that??? I'm going to remember that one if you don't mind! :)
The nanny at starbucks...You did nothing wrong. The counter was probably the safest place for your charge. To all the people who are saying the charge should not have been sat on the counter...may I ask you where your purses have been? You do realize that more times than not you got to the bathroom in a public restroom and place that thing on the floor and then decide it's ok to have it on the table that you eat off of. There are more germs on your purse and cell phone than on a toilet..and I am fairly sure that this child was not as dirty as a toilet...Please think of that the next time you place your purse on the counter...it may be safe..but it's nasty!
Exactly, 6:13! The bottom of our purses are the filthiest things around (although I now try to be careful to keep my purse out of invisible muck) and no one would think twice about putting it on a counter. Trust this....the bottom of most of your purses, as well as the money you pay with, it probably WWWAAAAYYYY filthier than a child's clothed behind will ever be.
Keeping the child close at hand is ALWAYS the best way to go.
I was thinking about the older ladies who like to butt in. I imagine it must be very hard to have raised your own kids, then helped with the grandkids, have all this experience and no one to share it with. If anyone wants to share their life's learning with me, I'll listen. Just don't go overboard for no reason, elders!
Good point, jmt.
dear "anonymous", you can justify putting your child on the counter all you like, but that doesn't make it ok. where exactly are you placing your purse that it is getting dirtier than a kid's ass? a one year old as described by the original posting presumably wears diapers, and frankly i'd rather not have a kid's piss and shit filled diaper where my food or beverages are going to be. i'll take the bottom of your knockoff Coach purse any day. warmest regards!
Where am I putting my purse?
You are pretty ignorant, aren;t you? Ever watch 20/20???
Handbags have more germs than anything. They are walking infestations of piss, semen, crap, coffee, gum, bird droppings, manuer, baby food, saliva, cherry pits, tar, pollen, grass, mold, mildew, 409,
yes, i do see the "shocking" investigative reports on 20/20 where it is revealed that OMG SOMETIMES THE GROCERY OVERCHARGES YOU or OMFG RESTURANT WORKERS DON'T ALWAYS WASH THEIR HANDS THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION yadda yadda. And where in the blue hell are you putting your bag that it is getting bird crap and SEMEN on them? i don't know what "manuer" is, and...cherry pits? WTF? also, piss and crap? are people walking around carrying handbags coated with feces and i'm just not noticing? and it seems like the 409 would take care of all of that anyway. start making some sense and quit putting your dirty kid on the damn counter. yeah, YOUR kid is well behaved and sparkling clean at all times, reads at a high school level(at age 5!) and makes his bed every day and says please and thank you without being reminded. i get it already.
My baby is famous for squirting outside the diaper zone. I wouldn't want that on any counter...the clerk was correct in asking you not to place the child there.
To "Dancing Child"...you stated this has happened before to you.
I wonder if your child was dancing or acting "out of control". You might not realize he was too wild!
Just food to nibble on! Parents sometimes fail to see their darling in a different light!
8:38, good for you! I was once waiting at the bank w/my little guy in his stroller, watching the probably 4 year old boy of the daddy behind us walk around while his dad waited, feeling the surfaces of things, looking in the slots of the cash dispensing machines, etc, not even making noise or being disruptive in any way, when some jerk ahead of us asks the dad "is he always that hyperactive?" The dad answered very mildly something about it being near his naptime and then called the boy to come and stand next to him, but I would have found it very difficult to be that polite about it.
As for germy filthy purses, I'd as soon set my purse down on the floor of a public restroom as I would lick that floor. VOMIT! I never set it on the ground anywhere except at home and we take our outside shoes off inside the house. Every once in awhile I just go over the whole thing with a sanitizing wipe. It does get set down in grocery carts and such, so I have no doubt it does get germy no matter what.
"is he always that hyperactive?" !!!
What an experience. If anyone asked me that about any of my kids, an ambulance would be called over to the scene because I'd slap the teeth out of the idiot's mouth. So it's not the best way to act around kids, but I'd make this an exception.
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