Received Friday, July 13, 2007
I have a question and hope to start a lengthy debate about SAHM and why they feel they need a Nanny?? Why do so many SAHM's feel the need to have help raising their children? After all they chose to stay home and take care of their kids rather than work outside the home. Are they just lazy or what??, When I was younger only the digustingly filthy rich people had Nannies even if the rich wife stayed at home. Now it seems to be a trend that the average middle class are doing this too. I don't want to hear from Mother's that work from their home, they are not SAHM.. I'm talking about the regular mom who does not work at all other than raise the children. Why do you need a Nanny??
156 comments:
I've never quite understood this argument, possibly because I happen to know a number of incredible stay at home mothers who have nannies. From a purely economical position, aren't these sahms who choose to have nannies creating employment opportunities that otherwise would not exist? Isn't it a bit unreasonable to expect any mother to devote every hour of every day to her children? If you hire the right nanny and don't give away your role as a hands on parent, who is this hurting? The right person is still a professional, educated nanny so I am at a loss as to how the "average middle class" are able to SAHM and have nannies. Mathematical Wizardry?
I am a SAHM and I have a nanny because I have 2 dc, one who takes a morning nap and one who doesn't and has to be taken to preschool and picked up and has playdates. I don't beleive in sacrificing his sleep and dragged around with his big brother.
I also like having a second hand at the pool, playground etc..It takes the stress off of me. A second pair of hands is a good thing.
I think modern day women are very spoiled about having this extra help.. if you feel that it is too much work to handle 2 or 3 children at one time, why do you have them so close in age??
Also in response to what Jane Doe said. Don't you feel the SAHM would be better off hiring a maid to keep the house clean and in order and cook for the family so she can spend all her time with the children?, You mentioned helping the economy, well let the SAHM hire a household helper cook/cleaner and I still don't see any reason why a mother needs help raising and taking care of her own children that she chose to put on this earth. If she doesn't have the time to do it all her own, why have more than 1 child at a time, wait till 1 is at least old enough to be a help to you instead of a hiderance..
Just some thoughts...
OP: I am sure this will spark quite the debate, but as a SAHM of two toddlers, I am tired, but filled with joy of seeing all their accomplishments first hand and have the satisfaction of knowing I am raising the children I CHOSE to give birth to. So as far as your question goes, your guess is as good as mine. I could speculate many reason, but few would be kind.
6:56,,are you not aware that mothers 20 years ago did what you do without having the extra pair of hands, the extra pair of hands should be the spouse, unless you have spouses that do not share in the child rearing and think they only have to work and bring home the money..
I still think that society is just getting lazy...
7:08...right on! I would KILL to be able afford a housekeeper or maid (which I cannot), but I would NEVER hire someone else to raise my children. So I have happy kids and a messy house. So what! Chosing to have two babies so close in age, was something my dh and I knew would not be easy, but we did it anyway. It is pure joy, but often the kind you need a nap after! :)
Jane Doe,, I guess you know only very rich people then,,
Ble,, way to go!!, I know it is tiring, but you are right, you are the person that is with them through all the milestones and seeing the joy of raising them is better than letter someone else experience it!!!
Jane Doe said: Isn't it a bit unreasonable to expect any mother to devote every hour of every day to her children?
Umm, HEllooooo,, they chose to have the child, NO this is not unreasonable. This is a mothers job especially one that chose to stay home with them full-time.
I think too many women are shirking their responsibility as mother's unless they feel they are just baby making machines and they want to pump out child after child year after year without any forethought as to how much time it takes to raise an emotionally stable child.
I could see if you had a special needs child or had a multiple birth with 3 or more children, but I feel that any SAHM with no special needs children or multiple births that you need to raise your own children
They do it for the same reason they feel compelled to carry coach bags--because it is to show others that they can afford it (even if they can't really, which is a whole 'nother story). Simple as that! Lower self-esteem fuels the pressure to "keep up with the Joneses".
I personally *can* afford it, but I think it reflects badly on me if I have a nanny, I feel like it telling the world "I can not handle this alone". And though I do carry expensive handbags, no one would ever know it.
They do it for the same reason they feel compelled to carry coach bags--because it is to show others that they can afford it (even if they can't really, which is a whole 'nother story). Simple as that! Lower self-esteem fuels the pressure to "keep up with the Joneses".
I personally *can* afford it, but I think it reflects badly on me if I have a nanny, I feel like it telling the world "I can not handle this alone". And though I do carry expensive handbags, no one would ever know it.
I agree with JD on this one.
Who is it hurting?
If you hire a sucky bitch as a nanny, whether you are a sahm or wohm- it's still a bad thing.
But this sounds to me like a lot of jealousy.
And FYI, most mothers who have nannies and sahm also have housekeepers so they are doing much for our economy in NY.
I think ble left these comments.
My husband works but he has an assistant at work. He also has a lunch break everyday and time before and after work to stop here and run an errand there. To say that a woman who has a child must do nothing but sit tight with the child is barbaric. There is nothing wrong or evil about a mother having time for herself. It probably makes her a better mother.
to the third person who commented at 712-
Jane Doe's profile says she lives in Greenwich, CT. That explains that.
OMG, So are you saying that we should just have children so we can hire nannys to help these people have jobs!!!!!
Give me a break!!!
When you have a child, it is YOUR responsibility to rais that child, if you have to work to support yourself, then you are responsible to find proper daycare during the day when you are at work, but if you stay at home and do not have an outside job, be a real woman, and take care of your own child. I can see you getting a sitter if you have errands to do or running around, but to have a Nanny at home with you 24/7 is plain laziness,,,,
Someone on this blog once put it as: "Meh, I can't get it up for this one". I never understood this arguement either. Who cares what anyone else does in child rearing? Every parent is different, every situation, financial situation, all different. If I had children and I could afford it, I would get a nanny. I am such an ADD-type person that I would want an organized, stabilizing force in the house to help run me as well as the kids. lol. No one knows what goes on inside the walls of their neighbors homes.
As long as the kids grow up healthy, educated, socialized and happy, who cares how they get there?
8oo pm-
what are you talking about?
I have heard nannies bitching about stay at home moms. Ever think that if there were no gigs with stay at home moms, all of the crappola nannies would be flushed from the nanny market place and it would be an employer's market and not a nannies?
There are only two people who complain about sahms with nannies.
Bitch ass ho mamas who cant afford help. And nannies. Which to me is biting the hand that done fed ya.
7:54,, Who is it hurting??
Try the child,, they should be with their mother not someone else. If that mother chose to stay home her responsibility is with her child.
Jealousy,,, I beg you,, please,,
the sad thing is that these sanctimonious moms who cant afford nannies and stay home are so bitter, you know they rub it into their children. "I have sacrificed my life for you".
ahhhhhhh who needs it?
What makes you think the child isn't with her mom? Unless you are talking about a certain sahm you know-in which case- please enlighten me- I hardly think a child is a worse person for being surrounded with more than one loving person. Back in the day, it would be generations of one family that helped rear a child. You are disgusting sanctimonious.
You remind me of my poor friends who act sanctimonious about my mcmansion and SUV. When in reality, if it were there's it would be another story. But they go home to their 900 sq foot apartments with their 92 camry on it's alternate side of the street.... and...
Oh yeah.. it's jealousy.
Nothing else.
End of discussion.
I only know of one SAHM who has a nanny. Her sons are 11 months apart - they were supposed to be 13 months apart, but SURPRISE baby #2 decided to come 8 weeks early. That being said, she had to hire a nanny because she was back and forth to the NICU to nurse and drop off pumped milk, along with to spend time with her baby.
Baby #2 had some health complications for the first 5 months of his life, so it was necessary for her to have a full-time nanny. Now, the babies are 1 and 2, healthy, happy and incredibly smart! She no longer has a nanny. As the babies got older and #2 got healthier, she started cutting back the nanny's hours until she determined she could handle it on her own.
By the way, her husband is a doctor who leaves the house at 7 AM, return at 6 PM and from time to time is called back in. He also works every other weekend. I can understand her need for a nanny - she simply couldn't do anything by herself!
In most situations, it is like someone else said, it is for show or out of sheer laziness. Read "The Nanny Diaries" and it will all become clear.
Sahm with a nanny here and I don't have an appetite for trite fluff like The Nanny Diaries.
As JMT mentioned, everyone has their own story. Who do I have to answer to? My children. Yes, I have a nanny but I take my children to school everyday and pick them up. I do homework with them every day. My nanny is more of a family assistant. She makes life for everyone in my family better.
So... if you have an 8-hour job outside the home that you get paid for, you're allowed to have a break once in a while. But if you have a 24-hour job inside the home that barely gets recognized as more than "lying around the house all day," screw you, you don't deserve any help at all from anyone.
Got it. *eye roll*
OH, I work full time a very stressful job, and I wish I did not have to work but I do,, I leave the house at 6:30 am and get home at 5:00pm.
I wish I could afford a Nanny, but I cannot, I think If I could I would hire one to be there when my child gets home from school and to maybe help cook an evening dinner.. just a little extra help..
I don't think I could ever find a Nanny to help me though, my 10yr old child has Bipolar Disorder and ADHD and her severe mood swings and rages and anger problems are probably enough to scare any Nanny away and have them running down the street..
I have never seen an episode of Nanny 911 that dealt with any children with a mental illness, Us parents of Bipolar children know how much an extra helping hand could help us out,,
Ahh,, So Jane Doe,, the one who operates this site,, must be rich then,, Greenwich,CT,, enough said,, I saw a show once about the Moxley murders on A&E,, very ultra rich,, I only wish, I could say I was rich like that,, us poor peons have to work everyday,, to make a living,,
Hey, if I had money, I think I would hire a housekeeper and then be off with my kids all day long playing at the beach in the warm weather and the museums in the cold weather,, wouldn't that be the life,,
Meg,, that is great, you seem to really care about your children,, the Nanny being more of a household assistant is a cool idea..
Maybe some women realize that they are simply bad mothers AFTER they have their children and are fortunate enough to be able to pay someone else to raise them. That would be a good thing in my opinion...
8:27,,, when does a mother that works an 8-10 hour a day job outside the homeever get to have a break????? Certainly not if they have children.
I work full time and I actually have 2 full-time jobs,,, outside the home and then inside the home when I get home with my child...
But, If I had the money, I would hire someone to help me out, I actually work 24/7 just like a SAHM does,,
837,
are you the queen of assumptions? about sahms and where people live?
I think there are some bad ass housing projects in Greenwich. Jane Doe could be eating a goverment cheese sandwich and blogging with a dial up connection.
I have a child with special needs. He receives over 30+ hours of therapy a week. It isn't fair to my second child to drag him all over town to his brother's appointments or keep him in our apartment when therapists are working with his brother. I have a nanny who has been an absolute godsend. Our whole family would be miserable without her. I also do not think it is fair to judge SAHMs. I am always with one of my children. I rarely get the time to treat myself to a shopping trip or a manicure. I'm sure someone who doesn't know me or my family situation may think I'm a spoiled brat because I have a full time nanny but that is far from the truth. Don't judge a book by its cover.
8:51,, you are entitled to a Nanny,, anyone with a special needs child is pulled in so many different directions,, you are not the norm of SAHM with Nannies,,
8:43 LOL!!!!!!
Jane Doe eating government cheese,,, OMG that is a good one,, I hardly doubt it, she looks too rich could not look like PWT (POOR WHITE TRASH) if she paid a makeup artist to make her look like that...
I'm a Nanny for a SAHM and personally I think that this argument is totally unfair and stupid. It's completely ridiculous to make out as though having a nanny automatically makes you a lazy person. I honestly am yet to meet someone who I think is a better mother than the lady I work for.
She has 3 kids under 4 and anybody who lives in NYC knows that to get 3 kids around is almost impossible without a car. To go out alone she has to have to have a double stroller and the baby in a BABYBJÖRN which is no easy task. Not to mention things like getting one child to an activity while the other is sleeping or managing when the father goes on business trips. So having somebody to help out and give her the ability to have QUALITY TIME with each of her kids is hardly "lazy". I never even see her sit down during the day, and any "free time" she has is spent playing with the kids.
I worked or a different family before this one where the mother and father both worked and the mother was a ton lazier than the SAHM, when she had time with her children she never DID anything with them apart from sit in front of the TV. Yeah it's totally the SAHM's with nannies who are lazy *eyeroll*
Personally I have to agree that alot of people who attacks SAHM's with Nannies are just jealous. I don't deny that their are some women who can't imagine letting anybody else even HELP them raise their children but this is NOT THE MAJORITY. So stop being all high and mighty, clime of your high horse and get over yourselves.
I think everyone needs to take a big bite out of the old moto "Live and Let Live".
Yes, some of us are jealous, and could use the helping hand. But NO WAY would I want someone else to be their primary caregiver. ONe of the reasons I look at this site is to make myself feel better for not having hired an UNeducated UNtrained UNcultured UNcouth nanny.
Who are you to judge just who does and does not deserve or need a nanny. Why don't you redirect your venom to my frenemy. Sahm with two fulltime nannies, 7 days per week.
Go ahead.
8:57, Oh MY God,, 3 children all under 4,, there you go,, she is just pumping out babies, one right after the other,, what kind of person in their right mind has one pregnancy after the other one,, first of all it is unhealthy for the body, research shows a womans body needs at least 18 months to rest between pregnancies in order to keep the body healthy and functioning properly,
no wonder she needs a Nanny with 3 kids under 4yrs old,, she is probably so ditzzy having so many kids at one time,, you honestly cannot spend quality time with your baby when you are having another baby immediately after each other.. That is poor parenting,,, and just plain stupidity,
We are not in the ice age and it is not like we don't know how babies are made.. she sounds as bad as some of the ghetto crack heads that pump out baby after baby year after year...
Ice age?
I intentionally had my two children close in age.
Who are you to pass judgment?
Bitch?
You know,, many of you spoiled rich women that need a Nanny to help you with 2 kids when you stay at home should take a look at all those Ultra Orthodox Jewish women that stay at home, don't work outside the home, and have 8-10 children,, all without the help of a Nanny,, they do it by themselves and they have not gone crazy.. You are all just spoiled lazy rich people....
Dude- let's not play the orthodoxed Jew card. Again.
9:23,, don't get your panties all up in a bunch, LOL you ladies on here crack me up,, get so worked up over someone elses words,,
I hardly consider 2 children close in age to be pumping out babies one after another,, but 3 or more and then have to get a Nanny to help you, it pure stupidity,,
If you can't take care of them on your own, then don't have so many at one time...
9:26,,
why,,, it is a fact you don't want to face,, The Amish are the same way,, they don't need Nannies,, Lets play the Amish card then,,, LOL!!!!!
It's only the spoiled rich that are too lazy to take care of their own children and like to throw their money around,,
I think being a SAHM mom and having a nanny could be reasonable if you have a special circumstances (young multiples, large family). I think moms in the SAHM could even logically employ a part-time nanny, who helps with pick-ups, getting kids set up afterschool... or even just to give mom a couple of hours a week to run errands and have her own life.
What I don't understand are SAHMs with one child who employ a full-time nanny. That's just a little bizarre to me. I would not want to work for someone in that situation.
What better way to "throw money around" then to create the most comfortable environment for your children and the person (mother) rasing your child. It is a luxury. A luxury that makes many people a better mother. Some mothers whether they are wohms, sahms with nannies or sahms without nannies are just straight up heartless bitches and no amount of help is going to change them.
um have you guys ever considered that sure some women raise 8-10 kids on their own, but do you really think that those kids always get as much individual attention as kids in smaller families which have a nanny? No - cus nobody wants to say that because OH NOES they might be insinuating that a mother CAN'T take care of 8 kids as well as 2. Fuck anybody who says that they would rather be raised in a family of 8 and ignored half the time than be raised in a family or 2 or 3 and have a nanny. Don't kid yourself about those "all sacrificing mothers" they aren't doing it for their kids, they're doing it so THEY can feel like a martyr and try and make other people feel bad for not doing it too.
Like other commenters, I am a SAHM with more than one child, and I havig the extra help is a nice luxury (I have a part-time nanny (for about 20 hours a week).
Do I NEED the nanny? No, but my toddler son sure enjoys running around with her at the park instead of staying home while I deal with my newborn daughter. Her help makes my son happy and I think recognizing that makes me a good parent.
We're not wealthy and we do forego other luxuries in order to have this help. No, my parents didn't have a nanny to help take care of me and my brother, but that meant we spent a lot of time just sitting around at home watching TV.
With my nanny's help, my son is having a richer childhood.
9:31,,ROTFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, Comfortable environment,, from what I have been reading on this blog,, these Nannies are pretty jacked up,, slapping around the kids, leaving them alone in public, screaming at them, having Nanny clicks at the park, Nanny lottery pools,, come on,, your children are being watched by a bunch of uneducated fools,, and you are stupid enough to be forking out your money to these losers,, Yeah,, that's a real nice environment for your child to grow up in,,
granted some Nannys might be very good, but from what I see on this blog, they are probably few and far inbetween and most of them have probably gone back to England,,,, that is where the best ones come from.. these crazy Caribbean women, and mean Polish ladies you hire, are a joke!!!!
9:35 - thank you. so very very true.
you put it perectly - why should anybody have to forgo giving their child a richer childhood just because other people say they should?
uggg
As a working mother with a nanny, I know two sahms with nannies. One is a hands on mother who works as a team with her nanny to get the children to their individual activities and make the days more fun and less laborous. The other is an absentee mother. You never see her with her child. Her nanny is always with the child. That is a situation to critisize. Feel bad for the children. Can you imagine how that feels to a child to realize mommy doesn't want, can't handle, won't handle any of their needs?
And with regard to the last comment on the blog- some people do throw their money at these creatures and call them nannies. My nanny is spectacular. I am fortunate that she has a lot of interaction with other people during the day, such as my sil and my friend that hands on SAHM.
I cannot imagine that these awful nannies we see on this board work for SAHMS. I imagine the awful nannies to be the product of nannies run wild. Nannies who are not in the habit of answering to their employers, perhaps because the employer is always at work.
No one loves a martyr.
Life is just too short not to enjoy it.
OK, my turn and I don't give a rat's ass what people say.. If you must work full time and cannot afford a Nanny to help, you should not have more than 1 child or 2 spaced out very far apart.
If you stay at home, and do not work outside the home have as many kids as you want as long as you take care of them. Children are not to be born just to entrust another person to take care of them. Mother's are more important than fathers when it comes to the emotional well being of the child. Have 1 child, let that child become at least a toddler before you have another child, let that 1st child get 100% of your devotion to them, hire a babysitter to give you breaks, nobody expects you to work 24/7 at home, but I don't think you need a full time Nanny. Then after your toddler is a few years old then have another child.
I could care less what anyone else says, this is jut my opinion..
Some of you use the term Nanny so loosely,, someone helping you part-time is NOT a Nanny, stop glorifying the name, they are a babysitter,,
In my eyes a Nanny is a live in person that is there 24/7 for rich people.
People that take care of your children during the daytime only are NOT Nannys they are Babysitters,,,
God, stop making these people out to be something they are not!!!!
Okay, Ludicrous at 950-
Who do you know who works 24/7?
I don't know any nanny who works 24/7 and every live-in nanny I know still has a start time and an off time. They live in just for the convenience of it. I think you are a backwoods freak who doesn't know anything about anything. Yes, people that take care of your children during the day are nannies. If you have hired a nanny. Look up the description of a professional nanny. She is not a window washer or errand runner.
She does not scrub toilets and she most certainly does not work 24 hours a day.
Good night, Ludicrous.
9:53 you are so funny, I did not say that the Nanny was working 24/7, but meant to imply that they are there at the house 24/7, People that live in are Nannys,, people that come and go daily are Babysitters,,,
oh, and if you this those uppity rich people that have a live in Nanny are going to get up in the middle of the night to feed and take care of an Infant while their Nanny gets a good night sleep, you are living in lala land...
What live in Nanny do you know gets to sleep through the night when they are taking care of a newborn who wakes up every 2 hours for feeding. Do you think the Prada wearing Princess of the Mansion is going to be getting up to feed and burp her baby,,, God NO!!!
she will scream down the hall for the Nanny to get her Arse out of the bed,, and take care of her charge..
What world do you live in????
If you want someone to get up with your child, you hire a baby nurse. They work 24 hours a day (but still get down time) and they cost about 2K-3K in NYC.
I agree with the person above. Most of the people I know have live-in nannies. The nannies get off at different hours and go to Applebees or have their own lives.
They don't work 24 hours a day.
I think you would be alternately pissed to see how good it is for these nannies. Then you would have to face the fact that you don't want to face. For many parents, nannies and children- it all comes together like a charm.
Nannies don't work nights unless they take a job that requires them to work nights. I don't know of anyone who does. What are you talking about, venominous fool?
I'm sure that any reputable live in Real Nanny would also not have time to spend blogging on the internet as she is too busy doing the proper job of taking care of the children that the rich ladies don't have time for..
Lets face it, many rich people have little to do with raising their children, they have the kids to pass down the fancy family name, but do almost no child rearing,
but,, this blog now is about those SAHM that can't handle a few children without needing a break,, maybe they have absentee husbands who are workaholics...
I work for a very wealthy family. I make $23 an hour on the books. The mother is a SAHM. I start most mornings at 7:45 and I am done most days by 6. Many times I get off early and she still pays me. I live in apartment next to the garage. I have two blogs, a dog and a little siter (Big brother/Big Sister program) and am taking a ceramics class. If they need me to babysit at night, I get paid by the hour for it.
You obviously have class issues of your own. Your anger is directed at the SAHMS with little or no concern for the children. If you were truly concerned about a situation, you might be concerned about children who longed for their mother and the mother who failed to respond to the child.
tr: I don't know what you are talking about when you said "I think ble left these comments" and then went on to talk about your husband's job. If you were trying to make a point about something I wrote, please make it more clear so I can respond if need be. Thanks.
After reading Jane Doe's first comment, I couldn't even read any further without adding something:
Jane Doe, nobody expects a mother to spend every single minute with their kids: all people need grown-up time. But a nanny for 40 or more hours a week? That's a bit much, and more grown-up time than I would want. A SAHM who has a nanny full-time is not a stay at home mom, she is a stay at home something else, but not a mom. Mothers mother. They don't hire someone else to do it. And if you need THAT much help, full-time, you never should have had kids.
And I agree with the poster who said "you must only know rich people."
Every time I read a comment from Jane Doe herself, I feel like never coming to this blog again, I get so disgusted with her.
8:02
You should go back to the ghetto and smoke some more blunts with your posse. Leave this board to the people who know how to converse.
OH, 10:10 you are such a nice spoiled little Nanny, you work for a filthy rich family if they have a stay at home wife and can afford to pay you $23, you make about $44,000 a year, good for you,, this family is filthy rich if they can pay that much to watch children that the stay at home wife should be doing..
You are very smart,, it is just too bad that those rich people feel money can buy happiness for their children. The children should be taken care of by the mother since she stays at home and does not have to support herself, that is the least she can do for her husband is to raise her some kids.. but I guess she has to go to her society teas and go off to the Hamptons and talking about her clothes and her shoes and how much money they have....
9:19,,
funny you think only poor people despise the rich,, well, not that you care or believe, but I am middle class, have a federal job, make almost 6 figure salary, not bad for a 4 year degree, have a nice home, 2 cars, husband, pets and 1 child, I work my ass off every single day, pay my taxes, come from a law enforcement family, have never been arrested, never even gotten a traffic ticket, and live a moral life, but I do despise the filthy rich that are lazy and don't know what it means to be a real mother, I actually hate rich uppity materialistic women who would rather spend their days with their rich friends instead of rearing the children they brought into this world...
what I meant to say ble, is are you the OP????
10:23,
I agree with your comment about buying happiness. These SAHMs with full-time nannies keep playing the "spending money so my family can be comfortable: it's a luxury" card. Well, it's really not. Having your toddler or preschooler deal with the responsibility of having a newborn is (yes it's true, people) actually good and healthy for them. They see their family as a unit that works together at taking care of one another. A mother who feels the need to get the toddler out of the house with the nanny is come on, people, really just getting the toddler out of her hair because she can't handle two kids. As this toddler grows older, they will no doubt see their mother as the incapable boob that she is, unable to deal with the general responsibilities of motherhood.
10:15-
what other comments have you disgusted? I'm curious.
And how much time do you have on your hands that you are clocking in and out the nannies you know who work for Sahms.
What a pathetic existence.
10:38,
The only reason you think I have "a pathetic existance" is
1) They are probably the only three syllable words you know
and
2)You can only attack people who disagree with you, instead of offering an intelligent rebuttal.
"Clocking in and out the nannies"?
This thread is about SAHMs with full-time nannies. 40 hours plus a week is full time.
Now I expect a thank you for breaking it down for you. I did it out of the goodness of my heart.
What can I say, I have a soft spot for SPED kids.
martyr:
One who suffers for the sake of principle
bitch:
A woman who is thoroughly disliked
I bet you run yourself ragged.
Most of the Sahms with nannies that I know all seem to enjoy motherhood. They have patience and they smile and laugh and relax.
I'm a sahm without a nanny. I can do it. I think I do it well. But I would be lying if I were to say I don't resent the time other people have. I haven't played raquetball in three years. I haven't been to the grocery store without a child in 3 years. I would be a better mother if I had help. I wouldn't want full time help. Just a couple hours every day. I have a housekeeper twice a week. I cannot afford a nanny. At least I am honest about it. I know a lot of mothers who are really happy being sahms and would never want a nanny for their children, even part time. The way I can tell they are truly happy with their station in life is they don't begrudge others.
Like you.
You reveal too much of yourself.
I remember one stay at home mom explain it as when her mom raised her, she had aunts, grandparents, etc. She lived 2000 miles away from any relative so she needed me. My current SAHM has three children, different ages and an overworked husband. She truly is a single parent for the most part. I don't begrudge her choice, she's a great mother, not frazzled like my poor mother of three. Any way I can make her life easier or make it so she can enjoy time with her kids, I'll do it. That includes clearing dishes or making dinner.
And for the person who thinks it's filthy rich to pay someone $23, my boss pays me $35 an hour. She drives a minivan, not a Mercedes. She doesn't do lunch, she does fairy sandwiches with the kids. You sound jealous. 10:10 is right, you have class issues as in your jealous.
Who told you that it was a thread about nannies who worked 40 hours plus? Is this your thread? Are you the enraged OP? It's none of your business how many hours anyone's nanny works or how many children they have or if they have twins or special needs. None of your business.
A couple of hours a day is not full time. It's sad, but not really what we are discussing here.
10:33...Oh! LOL....NO. I am not the OP at all. I have never made any posting on this website as of yet. Not sure how I could prove it to you, other than maybe for the real OP to come forward (or perhaps Jane can verify), but I assure you it is not me.
I certainly would not have commented on my own posting as if it was not me. How ridiculous is that?
I think I am known on here to say what I feel using my handle each time, regardless of what anyone may think, so I would surely say so if it was my posting.
10:46
The title of this thread/blog/post is "SAHMs, why do you need a nanny."
Most of us are talking about full-time nannies. Not part time sitters.
And it is my business. This is a public blog and we are all talking about it.
Why don't you go elsewhere if you only want a conversation with yourself and nobody else?
new poster here
I don't think only the poor despise the rich. I don't the poor much despise the rich. The rich pay tons of taxes that feed into programs that feed, clothe and shelter the poor. The rich give tons of donations to charities that take care of the poor. The poor get scholarships to the best schools, cheap housing and welfare.
I think the middle class despise the rich. They work their asses of and when they need help with something like a scholarship/financial aid- they make "too much" money to qualify.
The middle class are the heart and soul of America. I have so much respect for the middle class. I grew up middle class, am middle class but if someone wanted to hire a nanny for me for a hire at their expense, I wouldn't complain.
sahm here.
I have a college student come on Wednesdays from 3-6 and on Friday night from 6-12.
I could easily afford a full time nanny. It just isn't my style. I dreamed of being a mother my whole life and I'm going to cherish every moment of it.
9:35:
I am certainly not against sahm's with nannies, although in most cases (NOT all) I look around and see it as a sign of sheer laziness.
In your case, I'm scratching my head to try to figure out what your point is.
I don't see having an infant and a toddler or older child as a problem at all.
In the real world, most children are raised with siblings. Does your son really need a 2nd mother just because his baby sister arrived on the scene?
My kids are exactly 2 years apart. I had a c-section and was out in the park just 4 days later nursing the baby in one arm while her older sister played around us. In the dead of winter.
If I can do it, I just assume anyone can. I'm not superwoman. I'm just an average mom.
The fact that my older child had to learn that she isn't the only child in the universe is a good thing. The fact that she has to wait her turn at times is good.
And the payoff? They are as close as 2 siblings can possibly be because they were raised TOGETHER, not apart.
9:48
WTF? "Mother's are more important than fathers when it comes to the emotional well being of the child." That is so completely not true. Wonderful parents come in both genders. I'm a preschool teacher. I work at a school where we have many low income families, and many single parents that struggle. I have met some truly amazing families. I have met many amazing fathers who fully are involved in the emotional wellbeing of their children. I also have met many Mothers who could care less about the emotional wellbeing of their children.
9:20 - 3 children under 4...how do you know there are not multiples involved. Plus there is the fact that the only birth control that is 100% is abstinence!
9:50 - I am a nanny, a full-time live-out nanny on the books. I am educated and certified in early childhood education, first aid and cpr. That is more than a mother has to go through to earn the title "Mommy". Get over yourself and learn to respect the profession.
OP: I think you goal was met!
OK, I don't have time to sit here and read all of these amusing comments. But seriously, what's up with the multiple commas? (8:37, 8:41) Is this something new,,,? I think it's as bad as typing in all caps.
I think multiple commas are common in Eskimo correspondence.
Well put, 9:35...My children are a week shy of being 18 months apart (yes, on purpose) and my experience is very much the same as yours. Thanks for your input!
920pm, sorry to poke fun of you, but your post makes YOU look ditzy. Multiples are really quite common and not urban legend. Also, many parents choose to have their children close in age. My BF has three under the age of five. That is how she grew up, and she is very close to her siblings.
1145, do you think it is because of the cold temps? Maybe their computer buttons are a bit frozzzen....hehehe
Too tired to read al the comments, but...
Typical Upper East Side SAHM scenario I watched...Mother walking down 2nd Ave IN NYC, talking to her mother...Nanny with child following closely behind mother and Grandmother...in this day an age, its all status.
I know a live in Nanny that takes care of wealthy family of SAHM in MA, eats with kids, literally take of them even if they wake up in the middle of the night. Mother is just "too busy" with her social calendar...
Any mother who does not meet her child's basic needs is guilty of child neglect. Why not let someone else adopt these children? Or give custody to the nannies? This is sick, sick stuff. How is it status to birth a child and turn your back on that child. Especially if you are rich. Rich children who have moms like you described that are not around- they don't need their moms. They probably have trusts. So the mother might as well drop dead. The sad thing is how many mothers have concerned what their worth really is in the world? It is great to do as much as you can and take time for yourself but if you have children and dont take care of them, you are scum.
All I have to say, after reading everyones posts, is who cares? Mind your own business. You can cast my vote that it's jealously to those who complain. I'm a SAHM with a PT nanny. Nanny, not babysitter (what a weak argument, oh lame poster, or, um, ,,,,comma lady) I personally choose not to have a full time nanny, even though I could if I wanted too. That is my decision. I only think it's sad when a SAHM has a full time nanny so they can push their children off on another and not be part of their childrens lives. While I do spend my free time lunching with friends, running errands or working out at the gym, I do spend a lot of quality time with my child and husband. It does make me feel great, especially when I have friends who are martyers. Now there are marriages in crisis!! The moms are so unbalanced, it reflects in their children. That is sad, too.
Would the OP of this post please come forward? Did you get the response you wanted? Have you posted here?
I made the choice to have a houskeeper instead of a nanny. i wanted time with my daughter instead of cleaning the house every day, luandry etc. its more important for me to be a sahm, that goes to the park, plays with and the one reading and playing with my child.
anon @12:28,
Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! How can you say "everyone should mind their own business" and in the same breath say "it's sad when a SAHM has a full-time nanny"?
You are ridiculous!
Your marriage is probably doing ok, since your husband is no doubt boffing the part time BABYSITTER.
nuff said.
I chose to have a FT housekeeper and a FT nanny. It works for me.
My eyes must be deceiving me. 9:40 and 11:46 can't figure out how to care for 2 kids just as 9:35 can't.
2 kids!
Holy crap.
All 3 of you are those crazy, neurotic "my child must go to Harvard preschool by age 3," moms eh? The moms who have no idea what kids really need (which is love and preparation for the real world.
1 caretaker per child. That's sick.
Didn't you learn how to multi task at your jobs before you dared to have kids? Or have you never worked?
You must have so little going on in your real life, if you need to come to a message board and demand to be answered to by other anonymous people who simply make different lifestyle choices than you.
Trite.
Hello, I am the OP of this thread.
I posted and sat back and watched what would come out in the comments. It is very interesting first off to see how upset certain people get with other comments on a message board. Many of you act like you are personally being attacked.
Basically my post was just due to browsing and finding this website by accident. It was very comical to watch many of the comments of those defending Nannys.
I see that this post was quite the comment maker, not even 24 hours and already there are over 90 comments.
I think I did a fairly good job of sparking some strong reactions from people.
I find it very funny that some of you have to call each other Bitches and names like this and all you are reacting to is words on a message board.
It has shown me what I initially thought, many of you must have some serious issues if you get all upset over mere words on a message board.
Absolutely an issue of Jealousy.
Walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Only then...
Maggie,
Again, I say what's with your picture? It is so unbelievably creepy. You remind me of one of the death-eater witches in the new Harry Potter flick.
God, get a new pic, one where you don't look like you bite the heads off bats.
I think Maggies picture is fine, nothing wrong with it. And what's so bad about Greenwich, CT?
6:21, seriously? You must be one of the jealous mothers who can't afford a nanny. Spend time with your kids, get off the net.
9:40
sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't have kids of my own yet: I am raising another mothers kids and saving up the bucks for mine when I have them. :)
WOW...I really need to leave my opinion here because I have it seen it and done it all from every job, NANNY, IN HOME DAYCARE, SAHM.
First off, a TRUE nanny is one who chooses this profession because her love of children, not because her only option is a nanny job because her green card didn't come with a free job as a accountant, as seems as how the nanny job and green card go hand and hand these days. Not saying they MIGHT not be good nannies, but Like I said far more people getting into the profession for the simple reason...you don't need an education, special training, or even good english...its become to east to be a nanny...If your children mean the world to you take your time and find a good nanny. I personally trained for a year at The English Nanny and Governess School...because this is my profession...and I am a PROFESSIONAL in my field.
Secondly, I ran an in home daycare for 2 years with my states regulations of a MAX of 6 children and no more than 3 of them under 2. So let's get this straight 6 children in my home...no help. All of my kiddos were happy and I truly dedicated ALL 10 hours to each and every one of them...even without using TV EVER! So a stay at home mom...with young or even multiples gets no sympathy here...you signed up for this job...its all you hunny..suck it up...so wa wa wa your hubby has an assistant AND has a lunchbreak...there isn't one day that I cannot actively engauge all 6 children in an activity where while they are within eyeshot I can grab a lunch...The fact is that if your a SAHM and you need a nanny than motherhood is the profession for you...you failed. It's like being a hairstylist and needing someone to hold the sissors and make the cut...So if your a SAHM and have a nanny doher a huge favor..go get a job, get out of her hair, I am sure you require more mothering than your children do anyhow.
And as a stay at home mom now, it's my job. Yes my lunch isnt always competely uninterrupted but when I was working as a nurse...you better believe the staff tracked me into the break room if someone needed something...Its a job. Would it be nice to have a break once and a while hell yes, but I picked the professional title SAHM and so I do my job.
SUCK it up!
9:55
I agree with everything you said, good for you!
I myself am a home daycare provider: I only care for two children besides my own, and it's hard! I can't imagine how you did it with that many.
What I don't get on this board are all the comments from SAHMs with nannies that say we who can't afford a nanny (and I'll admit-I can't, but honestly even if I could I would not get one if I didn't need one!) are jealous. well I think that's just insane. What I am jealous of is that they have the luxury of being able to financially afford to devote all their time to their children! Am I jealous that they don't DO it? Absolutely not, I think I feel sorry for them and their choices! I love the kids I take care of, but I'm not going to lie: they are not mine, and if I didn't have to do it to afford the mortgage on our house or buy groceries or pay for electricity etc. I wouldn't! There are a million things I would rather do and 99% involve being able to spend more time doing things with my daughter! I can't just run to the store or even do laundry between 7:00 and 5:30, because I give the children my undivided attention. I work hard all day, singing, playing, putting on sunscreen, changing diapers, sweeping up macaroni, etc. I do it because I get to have an income and be with my kid at the same time. It's a pretty good situation, but I just cannot see how a mother who doesn't have to work would hire someone full time to take care of their kids! I treasure every moment I spend with mine. Why do they want to limit it?
744, try reading the rest of the sentence. SAHM's who do not help AT ALL and are uninvolved with their children seem sad to me. I think everyone who comes here must love children. And I'm sure everyone here should agree that the people who have the biggest influence on children, or should, are the parents. If a SAHM never sees her children, that is sad.
I need to add, however, that my NANNY is not a whore. My husband gets more than enough sex from me, his wife. And where the hell are you from? Boffing? Nuff? Please, we speak English here.
955, I agree with a lot that you stated. But you, and a lot of others here, need to understand something. Being a parent is full time, yes. But everyone needs to take care of themselves. What good is a burnt out mother?
Personally, I have a part time nanny. It was actually my husbands idea. When my son turned two, I went thru a bit of a depression. Every waking moment was spent with my son. Truly, I am thankful for him, but I had suffered two miscarriages and felt lost. I couldn't even get out of my pj's to take him to the park. Having a nanny come in a few hours a day allowed me the chance to visit with friends and old professional contacts. It gave me a chance to go to the gym, for yoga or Aqua Tai Chi. A chance to go to the bookstore and pick up a book and a cup of tea.
It didn't take long for the fog to lift. I had more energy for my son and husband. I stopped preparing boxed dinners and replaced them with the healthy dishes I used to cook. And the park is a daily stop for my son and myself when the weather permits. All thanks to having a nanny. I am so thankful she is a luxery we can afford.
SAHM's choose to be moms. There is no doubt what an influence they have on their children. But moms are still people who deserve time off. We push our children to reach out for their dreams and to pursue a good life. Moms can be a great roll model. Be a great mom. Show your children how. There is no need to sacrifice your own needs. Children don't need or want martyers for parents(I stayed home so you could...) Why make them feel guilty? And while there are moms out there who feel like they don't have a lot of needs, I'm sure that there are many more who are feeling burned out.
OP,
you are a joke.
You act like you started some unheard of argument as if you had no predisposed disposition.
Your argument lacks sensibility.
To quote, "When I was younger only the digustingly filthy rich people had Nannies".
That is nothing but bitterness & jealousy. There is nothing wrong with having money. I am grateful for everything I have including the fact that I haven't had to mop a floor in three years or dust a shelf. I am grateful for the help I have with my children because I want the very best for them. Yes, I could drag the younger one to the older's lessons and therapy. Sure, that could teach my child something. But I more than capable of using those things I have been blessed with to help other people by example. I can only hope that my children remain as well mannered and gracious as they are today and they follow me into a lifetime of philanthropic activity.
My children never wonder where I am. If I am not home, they know where I am and when I will be back and where to reach me. Even with a full time nanny, I have yet to miss any milestones. If you have the right mindset, you can be a hands on sahm. You just have to love motherhood. And granted, it is easier for me than it is for others. But just because you have to work harder at it doesn't mean you have done anymore for your child. This argument is absurd. Undignified, quite honestly.
I know about five mothers I would- if I were in the habit of judging- write off as horrible mothers. Two are working mothers one with a nanny and one with two young children in daycare, one works out of her home part time and has no help-so her child is either staring at walls or watching television a good portion of the day, one is a stay at home mother with two nannies and one is a stay at home mother without a nanny.
Those with a heart, we do our best.
Those without a heart- should never have had children in the first place. The scars they leave on their children from their callous neglect go deeper than any physical wounds.
11:27....I think most would agree a SAHM in your situation in not wrong for hiring someone to help out a bit. It was probably best for your child that you did.
Those of us who are disgusted are so by the SAHM who hires a nanny becasue she can't be bothered with her own children.
9:20- That was really rude. I have eight children, 10,8,6,6,5,3, 16 months and 3 months. And you know what? IT WAS PLANNED. I KNOW how babies are made and I know that we do not live in the ice age. You sound really ignorant.
FYI- I don't have a nanny, but I am blessed with a niece who loves to come over and take my kids out, as well as a large extended family, but I would NEVER dream of giving someone else the priviledge of raising my children. I carried them for nine months, you bet your ass I'm going to raise them.
I have to ask the above poster, do you have a set of twins in there? If you are happy with your big family and can support them without public assistance, I say "mother on!"
What's scary is how many mothers are crucifying SAHMs-with-nannies - saying they should be good mothers by raising their children without outside help - then throwing insults back and forth! I seriously hope you vitriol-spewing ladies aren't passing your manners of speaking to your children!
I'm kind of new here, so I don't know what's going on with the situation with Maggie's picture (an inside joke?), but she looks great. Why would anyone come on here an insult her? At least she HAS her picture up!
Some of you make me sick.
"FYI- I don't have a nanny, but I am blessed with a niece who loves to come over and take my kids out, as well as a large extended family."
Are you an idiot?
People who don't have family hire help. In other words, you would be one of those people if your niece and extended family weren't around.
Your holier than thou attitude may carry more weight with me once your help vanishes. Until then, you shouldn't judge anyone because you're not going it alone either.
Hypocrite.
ps: if you fall on hard times and have to work, will your niece and family watch all those kids full time, or will you then be forced to GASP! "hire help" instead of scoring it for free.
Thought so!
You are pretty angry for 745 in the morning.
ok so, 1st of all, there are no housing projects in greenwich, as someone suggested
second, one of my best friends comes from a family of 8 & i wish i could have been part of her family. they had a sahm & no nanny and they are one of the most connected and loving families i have ever seen. no one feels neglected and they're all really close.
9:50:
I have no patience for hypocrites. That poster was implying that people who hire help are lame, meanwhile she has free help.
Help is help.
If you claim to be superwoman, walk the walk or keep your nonsense to yourself.
SAHMs who go it alone (and do a great job of it) have my respect.
Greenwich does have housing projects. That is where 97 percent of the diversity in Greenwich comes from. Der.
I was directed to this site by my sister. We are both moms who work out of our homes.
I am pretty disgusted with many of the comments here, and actually saddened by some of them.
The "SAHMs" (which is quite contradictory if you ask me: it seems like they don't spend a lot of time in their home or taking care of it) who have full-time nannies or even part-time don't seem to get what it is that their children are missing. I wish I could comment on every disturbing post, but that would take too long. I will however, comment on a recent one, posted at 11:28...
You posted:
" I am grateful for everything I have including the fact that I haven't had to mop a floor in three years or dust a shelf. I am grateful for the help I have with my children because I want the very best for them. Yes, I could drag the younger one to the older's lessons and therapy. Sure, that could teach my child something. But I more than capable of using those things I have been blessed with to help other people by example. I can only hope that my children remain as well mannered and gracious as they are today and they follow me into a lifetime of philanthropic activity."
It is certainly debatable, to me anyway, what is "best" for the children. I smiled sadly when you said you are grateful that you havn't had to dust or mop for three years. When your child goes to college, how will their self-help skills be? Will they clean their dorm room or wait for the maid with a confused look on their face? What are you really teaching them but a life of laziness and indulgence?
It is good for children to see parents taking care of their houses, taking pride in their lives and what they have achieved.
As your children grow, they may become less "gracious and well-mannered" when they begin to deal with people outside of their shell that you have created for them.
Trust me, you have missed milestones and will miss a great deal more. The fact that you "know" five horrible mothers who work from home, etc. while their children stare at walls is a horrible stereotype to portray, and if you have such distain for them, why do you associate with them closely enough to know what their children do throughout the day? I don't put much stock in your comments since you don't sound like a very pleasant person, regardless of your "philanthropic activities." And working hard does make you a good parent. Making sacrifices makes you a good parent. Spending time with your child even when you are tired, or frustrated, or want a break makes you a good parent. A good mother takes a deep breath and doesn't take her frustration out on her child. She puts it aside for the right time and place. She puts her children first. Not her luxuries, not her volunteer work, she puts her own children first.
p.s. My sister works at night from her home PC doing data entry: I babysit two children full time in my home so that I can care for my daughter at the same time. Neither of our children stares at the wall. You are a very judgemental person, although you accuse others of being the same.
I'm glad I don't know you: I don't think I would like you very much.
7:45
Many people who are wealthy, SAHMs with full-time nannies made a concious choice to move to a place not near their families, due to their husband's jobs, their choice of location, etc.
I haven't posted here before but are you suggesting I would be a better person if I mopped? I have two young children and a housekeeper that works 5 1/2 days per week. She also lives in. I use a regular sitter for Fri and Sat evenings. Too funny. Lumping in the housekeeping tasks with your rage against sahms with nannies just shows your anger. I went to sleepaway camp from the time I was 10 years old. My mother never taught me how to mop, but (and please brace yourself) it was something I picked up easily.
10:53
Where, may I ask is this "rage" you speak of?
In your mind, obviously. I was merely expressing an opinion. Household tasks were part of my opinion, but I was far from "enraged." I believe the terms "disgust" and "saddend" were used. They are quite different than rage.
And if you went to sleepaway camp, I have news for you(and please brace yourself): your parents didn't want to deal with you.
so basically you cant afford a nanny, a housekeeper or sleepaway camp. zzzzzzzzz
You do realize how completey transparent you are, don't you?
Seriously.
10:59,
I think it's sad that you must resort to taunting people about how much money they have or do not have to mask the fact that you are not intelligent enough to reply to the issue at hand. Are you 10 years old at the moment? It would appear so.
No, I can't afford a housekeeper or a nanny. Good thing I don't want or need one. As far as sleepaway camp I wouldn't send my child away for an entire summer. I would miss them too much. Good thing, seeing as I probably couldn't afford that either.
Money doesn't make you a good parent. If a child is clothed, fed and has a nice home and family and all their needs are met, they're doing pretty good.
oh honey, you can't say what you would do "if" you had money. It sounds about as logical as you sitting around anonymous commentings what you would do "if" you were president.
Let me guess? Minimum wage for housewives?
11:06,
Do you have children? If so, I feel sorry that their mother is so mean spirited. This board has gotten way out of hand and off topic with people like you who don't really have any desire to argue your points, you only want to flaunt your wealth. You are actually proving the others' arguments that SAHMs with full-time nannies are shallow! As a stay at home mom with a part-time nanny, I think you give us a bad name!
I would never make fun of anyone who made minimum wage, or anyone who made less money than me or my husband. That's just really juvenile and not adult behavior.
Why shouldn't someone speculate as to what they would do with money if they had it?
I find it laughable that you are so concerned with money. You can't be a very good mommy, since all your comments seem to revolve around what everyone is making compared to you.
I think OR was responding to the post that preceded her argument. That age old argument that if you were in my shoes, you would never do this or most definitely do this.
I agree that learning to mop isn't a hard task. If your child never picks it up in all his years (and mine despite having a housekeeper since day one favored the fisher price vacuums, mops, brooms, etc.) and a blank look comes to your face when the task is presented you- then I imagine you have significant problems.
The only people making any people looking bad are those who judge those who live a different lifestyle. It is quite presumptious of some of these people to suggest that sahms with nannies don't love their children as much as you do. No, I take that back, it's flat out mean and hurtful.
Jumping in here.
I think sahm's love their kids as much as I do, for sure. I just think they're lazier than I am. :0)
Looking back at my own life, I loved that my mother was a sahm, never hired a sitter NOT EVEN ON 1 OCCASION (my grandmother watched us twice on her own for funerals and she happened to live next door -- something my mother NEVER took advantage of), baked up a storm, cooked like a top chef and always did her own cleaning.
My mom was amazing. My siblings and I never let a day go by without thanking her, and for her part SHE LOVED IT. It what was she was born to do and it showed.
I happened to marry a man who didn't/doesn't make much $$$ at all. Thus, I had to be the breadwinner and he didn't want to be a sahd.
If I could do it all again, I would not have married him. I realize now that despite the fact that my kids are INCREDIBLE and very well adjusted and not at all affected by my working, ****I**** am the one who misses out. Not them -- me. I feel my calling was that of my mother's and I regret that I am unable to have that gig. It was a mistake I made myself (I knew I'd have to work before I married him but thought I'd learn to like it) and now I have to live with that mistake, so I rise to the occasion and try to squeeze in everything my mom ever did PLUS a full time job. And I never complain to my kids, because I want their childhood to be happy and healthy.
In a nutshell, this is why I have such admiration for sahm's, and this is why I don't get the nanny to help a mom with 1 kids, 2 kids or 14.
I would give almost anything to trade places with the real sahms whose job it is to be a homemaker.
I salute you guys. You're the top dog.
Oh, and before anyone starts in with the "oh, poor marriage" line. To that I say "no kidding!"
I made my bed, I'll deal with it.
Having previously worked around lazy people I know they are in the workforce too. So, while I am certain there are lazy mothers in every port, I am not one of those. I have a f/t l/i nanny. I run 10 miles per day, have mad home made babyfood for myself and my friends (not for money) for the past 6 years, and I do a ton of volunteer work for a pediatric aids and breast cancer center. I have two children here with me know from the Bronx as part of the fresh air fund. I breast fed each of my children until they were 8 months, 11 months and 13 months. We spend an entire week as a family on a specialized vacation-which is not about luxury or relaxing but is dedicated to helping those less fortunate. It is possible to be well rounded and raise well rounded children regardless of wealth or economic condition.
OP makes the statement "after all they chose to stay home and take care of their kids rather than work outside the home". This seems like a backwards assumption, doesn't it? Or does OP know what each sahm with nanny was doing prior to becoming a mother. Many were never in the workforce. Their choices. Not yours.
And lastly, your entire rant completely undervalues the contributions of father everywhere. Stay at home fathers. Stay at home fathers with nannies. Or just fathers in general. Raising children is not a mother's job. It the responsibility of a parent. And anyone who is fortunate enough to have an extra pair of hands, assuming said pair belongs to a trusted and loving individual can not be worse off for such.
I have to assume you are in middle America because every person I know has a nanny. And not every person works out of the home full time. So perhaps it is a strange concept to you in Kansas or Montana, but it is part of our lifestyle here. And no one is worse off because of it.
To 12:59: it is hard to judge one's own life, by all accounts you sound like a great mom.
About the original question: I think it is a bit lame. People make different choices and have different needs. It seems like the more upwards you move socially, the more complicated your life gets. It is hard to mingle in a Chanel-clad crowd when you are wearing Old Navy (OK, maybe a bad example, but you get the idea). Expectations pile up. So
I understand why some women hire full-time nannies, and I do not think this in itself makes them better or worse mothers. I also think culture and personal upbringing play a big role in the decision. Women who are understandably awed by the fact that their mother managed it all may find it difficult to consider having a nanny (monetary considerations aside).
On another note, I find the self-righteousness of some of the posts slightly alarming. See how great I am? I am better than you are... they say kids learn by example...
3:29:
I applaud your efforts to live well AND teach your kids about those less fortunate in society. I'll go out on a limb and say that you're not the average sahm with a nanny though.
Oh, and nice job on the breastfeeding.
Wow...this discussion has turned pretty ugly since I last looked this morning.
Is this what you were going for, OP?
I think that it's pure laziness when a SAHM hires a full-time nanny. And let's not kid ourselves, most of them are not knocking themselves out doing volunteer work. I don't think SAHMs with nannies love their kids any less, I just think they have their priorities a little out of wack.
And the reason why this debate is turning ugly is that some of the SAHMs with nannies (not all!) feel a huge amount of guilt and feel the need to defend it. When people are faced with the truth, it can sting.
Also, for the moms who work full time from home or SAH without a nanny, it's hurtful to be judged by the amount of money that you have, and to have people assume that you are jealous, like if you don't have the money for a nanny, you can't possibly have an opinion, you must just be envious of us. That seems so crazy to me.
All in all, I have to side with the posters who are confused about why these women need full-time help.
And I totally agree with the comment about fathers taking a role in raising their kids. My brother in law stayed home with my nephews until they reached preschool because my sister made more money and he did an awesome job.
OP: You say you see average middle class SAHMs with nannies. Where are you? I have never encountered this in NYC. The ones I do see are very affluent, and fall into two categories. The "ladies who lunch" often either social register or trophy wives who do a lot of committee work, and travel a great deal between residences. Yes, nannies are raising their children. More typical though are women with several children who are terrific involved moms and spend their days caring for the children, running the house, and can afford a second pair of hands to help get everyone back and forth to schools, classes, sports, play dates, supervise homework, music practice, baths, prepare meals. My employer is on the go from the time the first child wakes in the morning until the last one is kissed goodnight.
I suspect that many of those bashing SAHMs with nannies don't actually know any, and are basing their judgement on assumptions.
For one thing, in case you people have missed it, the average American today does not fall into the "Middle Class" bracket, but rather, into the "Lower Middle Class" bracket. Now, ain't that progress? And it just keeps getting better and better. Soon, you too, may qualify for your food box and government cheese.
1:11 AM & JD,
You hit the nail on the head. You have to know a sahm to know what their life is about. The ignorance of some of these posts, for example the thought that nannies work 24 hour days is absolutely insane. No nanny would put up with that and I know some very well paid nannies ($1000-$1800 per week).
I almost amused that in this day and age women still think they have so few choices that they should be worshipped for chosing to do mind numbing housework all day long and juggle multiple children without so much as twenty minutes to herself.
If you look back on your life and you were a shitty mother or shitty father, there is a special hell for you. But it will be equally populated by every sort of mom from the rainbow listed above (wohming, sahming, wahming, nanny, no nanny. etc.)
2:35,
Nobody is debating a mother's right/desire to have "20 minutes to herself." We are debating a mother's right/desire to have 45 hours a week to herself.
I think a mother who needs 45 hours a week to herself is a rare case, possibly even mentally ill. Such a mother probably should never have had children. If she can't stand being around her children,we should rejoicethat she can afford to hire a nanny to take care of them. Children do need to be cared for. You can't change a tiger's stripes. You could take a nanny away from a worst case scenario sahm but that doesnt mean she is going to acknowledge or interact with her children anymore. And that interaction that she does have will probably all be cruel, sadistic, inappropriate and hateful.
Sorry, Mel, but I am not going to "rejoice" that american women have such low morality and no mothering instincts.
It's sad.
If you cared about the children, you would rejoice. Your jealousy is showing through. Without nannies in some of these children's life, they would suffer terrible neglect and abuse; physical and mental.
Is this post about children or about hatred directed at mothers who can afford to hire help? because awful mothers can be found in EVERY SINGLE INCOME BRACKET.
mel, you make no sense at all. I feel sorry for those children. I'm not going to be happy for them. The jealousy you are seeing is in your warped little head. I have absolutely nothing to be jealous about. I miss my baby when I leave her for an hour. I could never hire someone to care for her full-time. Yes, awful mothers can be found in any income bracket. And good mothers can be as well. Why must I be "jealous" if I disagree with your opinion? And I don't hate anyone. I may disagree with them and express my opinion, but I certainly don't have "hatred" for them.
You are putting words into people's mouths, as per usual.
How about we feel sorry that the children's mother is inadequate, but grateful that there is a wonderful nanny to help fill the gap?
Yes JMT. How about that?
I have known in my life, one very sanctimonious sahm who knew the children her children played with had full time help 24 hours a day. She knew the reason was that the mother was a narcissitic bitch. And every time the sanctimonious mom says the narcissitic bitch's kids, she would make a point of saying something to rub those poor children's face in the fact that their mother did not care about them. Every single time. If you ask me, that made the sanctimonious mom every bit as cruel and sadistic as the narcissistic mom.
1:17,
Nobody is talking about being cruel to the children. Rather, we are talking about feeling sorry for them. Of course that is a horrible thing to do, and that mother was not very nice. It is not the kids' fault she is horrible. This is a board for the opinions of grown-ups. I would never tell the children I feel sorry for them.
I've been wondering the same thing. i believe everyone needs time, maybe a BABYSITTER (if that isn't too politically incorrect) for a few hours a week to gain some sanity, but a real live-in nanny or full time. insane!
I just hope someone, ANYONE, has an interesting nanny sighting soon! Or better yet, an update to an earlier one.
STOP THE MADNESS!
Well, I could understand the need for a nanny. I am a sahm with a heart condition and a back ailment. With SURPRISE baby number 4 (sterilization is overruled because of anesthesia, and I was supposedly infertile after baby 1)I believe that every situation is different. Some are spoiled, yes. I think you can look at someone's lifestyle to ascertain that*not just if they have a nanny or not*
Sorry Michelle,
No All Caps Posting.
Why no all caps posting? Anyway I am nanny and was wondering why everybody is giving sahm's a hard time. I currently work for a single Mum, she has 3 children her husband left her what is she supposed to do as she works as a doctor full time. I do agree alot of people need just a maid but nannies help with cooking, cleaning, washing etc and help with the children. Some nannies refuse to do general house duties and that I don't understand
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING with this topic! It's utterly ridiculous and narrow minded. NO ONE needs to explain to you why a SAHM "needs" a nanny. For those SAHM's that do not use one - kuddos to you that you enjoy doing it all, and you don't need some time outs - and sorry if you couldn't afford help. For those who chose to get a p/t or f/t nanny - kuddos to you for valuing yourselves, your health and well being as well as those of your children.
And for those narrow minded commentators - it's not the 24 hr of servitude that makes a better mom - it's the QUALITY of time spent with your children!
I am so sorry that I have offended someone. I have been a Nanny for 12 years and I do agree with the majority of what is said I worked for a sahm in germany once and boy did she spend her time and money doing everything in her power not to spend time with her children and when she did she put a timer on for 30 minutes.
My point was that some mums like the lady I work for now who works they need the help.
And for the other sahm's that have time and money to waste and need a nanny as a stautus symbol (think twice)and just try spending time with your kids. Right I am sure yet again I have offended someone. So please don't angry we are all here to have our views and learn from what other people think.
A timer for 30 minutes?
That makes her mother of the year when compared for the woman I used to nanny part time for.
really that bad. do you think when they have a nanny it changes them. why are they like that?
I think the level of sahm involvement varies in each case. I work for a sahm 60 hours a week in NYC. Is she a bad mom? No. Could she spend more time with her children? Absolutely. As a nanny for a sahm, I get frustrated with her lack of involvement in her 1 year olds life. I have been raising him since he's a baby and have been way more of a mom to him than she has. The 15 minutes she spends with him before I arrive in the morning and the occasional 5 minutes here and there throughout the day do not a good mother make. Sure she drives and picks up the other children from school usually every day (sometimes I pick them up), but I get them dressed in the morning and feed them breakfast. And what does she do all day? Works out, shops and lunches.
So I guess I have a hard time justifying her lifestyle. Yes, they employ and pay me, but I don't have a life of my own anymore because I am always working. I find it mostly sad that she is missing out on her youngest's growth and development. She's told me before that she can't handle all three children at once. But guess what... it isn't that hard, I do it all the time.
9:38, you summed it up. This is a LONG thread and I generally agree that those egg and sperm donors who can't stand the notion of having to spend more than 15 minutes at a time being responsible for their own offspring, or inconvenience themselves or re-arrange theor own social calendars in any way to accomodate the children they CHOSE to produce, should never have been allowed to reproduce. There is NO justification for that attitude. Absolutely none.
As for the argument that an egg donor "needs" a nanny because she is understandably very concerned with trying to impress the neighbors and shopping for Chanel, and that it doesn't make her less of a good mother, that would be laughable if it were not so sad.
theor s/b their.
When I was younger only the digustingly filthy rich people had Nannies even if the rich wife stayed at home. Now it seems to be a trend that the average middle class are doing this too.
I'm hoping to hire a mother's helper and be a stay at home mom. I do not speak Spanish fluently and would like to be able to give my children a head start with that skill, and hopefully provide beneficial part-time employment to a young woman who does not yet have children. I appreciate nannying to help me practice some skills associated with childrearing before my husband and I have our first.
I think it can be a win-win-win for the child, nanny, and parents :-)
SAHM here with TWO full-time nannies... That's right. TWO. My typical day starts when my alarm goes off and getting my middle child's knee out of my side as she typically sneaks down and crawls into bed next to me. The little one wakes up, I get her out of bed, and change her just in time to open the door for nanny number one. She usually takes over while I make pancakes (the kids' favorite! Mommy's pancakes). While I'm doing that, My oldest will usually come down the stairs, and get excited over pancakes. After they eat, I'm typically doing all three of them's hair while she's cleaning up breakfast. I kiss them all good bye, and load them in the car making sure all of their seat belts are in the perfect position. Nanny drives them to school. She comes back to the house to tackle laundry, dishes, floors, etc. I will return emails, pay bills, and occasionally go to lunch, and a lot of times will volunteer at my child's school. Nanny number 2 picks up oldest from school and brings him home and I do his homework with him. Then, she'll get the two little one's from their separate school. Once they're home, I'll typically have the nanny come with me out to dinner with the kids, or be there with me while I cook dinner. Just an extra pair of eyes and ears and hands if needed. Have you ever had three children by yourself in a restaurant where one needs to go potty!? Ugh... the struggle is real. Get all three of them through the restaurant to the bathroom while carrying your purse and children's belongings as well. *Should I leave a note for the waiter so they know I didn't skip my tab?* Anyway... If I can afford the help, why does it make me a bad mom to leave the oldest child and all my belongings at the table with a nanny so I can bring my other two to the bathroom? At bedtime, I usually have help getting them all fed, read books, in bed all on time every night. Can I do it by myself? Absolutely! Will they be a little late to bed? Probably... Can I do it without getting frustrated? Most times. Can I do it without missing one step with all the home responsibilities, registering the kids, paying bills, making sure my own life is sorted with insurances, lawn care, doctor's visits, etc? Nah... I know my limitations. The ball is going to drop somewhere and I darn sure don't EVER want it to be on my children. But why oh why did you have so many!? Because I wanted to... thats why! I love them, they love each other, they love me, and they're each happy and healthy and very well mannered. I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm confident in my role as a mother even with the two nannies, I know I exercise more patience with my children than I ever thought possible. I know I'm a good mother. I don't need a blog to tell me it's ok, or to tell me I'm doing something wrong. Having nannies full time does not mean that I have all that time to myself. I still feel like I rarely have time to myself. I'm always with my kids and very hands on.
Wow, some of you women are very judgmental and frankly, cruel. I am a SAHM of two children. I don't have a nanny, but I am seriously considering one. I have a hard time trusting anyone with my kids, and that's why I chose to stay home with them.
One just turned 3 and the other 8 months. Life was perfect before the second one. Play dates 3x a week, clean home, cooked meals, and taught my daughter to count, colors, shapes and knew 15 sight words before 2years old. However, the second child is so high needs, hates being in the car, wakes frequently at night and I can see how much my daughter is suffering from my inability to effectively divide my attention. I barely have time to get household chores done or cook for my family. Most days I'm too exhausted to spend quality time with my husband, which is important if you want a healthy marriage.
I agree, there are lazy people out there, but to generalize all SAHM isn't fair. I believe that it truly does take a village to raise children to be smart, confident and good people. Some of us don't have help from family, so it is a blessing to be able to hire great help to assist you in areas when you need it, be it sitting with your youngest while you play soccer with the oldest. Or taking the oldest on a play date while you stay home with a fussy baby.
There's a reason why depression is so high in SAHM. A mothers job is not easy for any of us, and we all deserve help when we need it. I imagine that when the mother has help, she is happier, the kids are happier and the husband is happier.<3
I know this is an old thread but dang!!! Who cares?! I am in no financial position to have a nanny help me but if some SAHMs do, good for them! All you judgey and JEALOUS moms need to get over it.
Running a household is a job. In in charge of renovations, all details pertaining to Bills problems, food, cleaning, teaching kids at home. I've been homeschooling since each child was 1 and a half, cooking well organic clean meals, doing activities, nevermind 15 minutes of a 16 hour day of selfcare. I also have a small business of products I produce myself. Back in the day you had more help around you. Families eloped out, grandparents, aunts...families were bigger. I live n another country away from our families and it is me non stop. I get burnt out. There is no shame in paying for extra help if you can afford it. My children are getting a live in nanny so they can learn a 3rd language before age 5. I was actually looking forward to having a guilt free glass of wine in the day while writing, watching a movie which I can never do, spending 2 hours preparing a meal, but nope got prego with the 3rd. Atleast I'll have more time to get my body back in shape while my children are happy, learning, and thriving.
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