Tuesday

She smiles in her face and...

Received Tuesday, June 12, 2007
This is not a sighting but I am looking for advice. I recently broke off my friendship with these people. This family has an AA nanny and she is one of the nicest people you would ever meet. The problem that I have is that her employer calls her the n-word behind her back ANY chance she gets. She smiles in her face and when she talks to me she uses that word. On many occassions I have told her I have felt uncomfortable with it but she still does it. Its used casually which is scary. I will give you an example of the conversation.

Me: Hi S**** hows it going

S: good, our n***** nanny is getting on my nerves

Me: How so?

S: Well she forgot to put the milk away this morning and when I came home for lunch it was sitting out.

Me: Well, did you talk to her about it?

S: you know how those stupid n*****'s are they don't get it

Me: Why do you call her that if you don't like her, get rid of her

S: Are you kidding my kid loves her, who doesn't have a n**** nanny now adays

Me: I can't stand that word, I think its rude

S: Oh come on, please what should I call her, "our coco crispy nanny"

Me: No call her by her name

S: No I like my name better

Me: I gotta go, yoga

S:Yep

This happened last month and I have been avoiding her. I talk to her nanny alot and I always want to tell her. Its just that these people seem crazy. I don't want the poor nanny to turn up missing or something. When I say this nanny is nice, she is soooo nice. If I had kids I would hire her. I can't sleep!

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! That woman is disgusting, you shouldn't avoid her, you should tell her you don't hang around ignorant people and to get lost.You know she speaks that way about the nanny in front of her kids and she's just teaching them to disrespect that poor unsuspecting nanny. I'm a nanny and if my employer talked about me in a derogratory way I would want to know so I could quit immediately. Please tell the nanny so she can find a better person to work for, maybe someone who actually deserves her.

Anonymous said...

I agree with 3:15. Please tell the nanny as soon as possible. She deserves to know what her employer is saying and an opportunity to work for a caring family.

Anonymous said...

This woman is wacked beyond belief. She needs some help. I am so happy and commend you on avioding her and I would tell that nanny. I would also offer the nanny a reference since you know her well. This lady is sad and her kids are soooo screwed!

Anonymous said...

I don't know. I smell a rat here. I think this is a fairytale designed to piss people off. It's just a gut feeling I have.

Anonymous said...

Stay away from this woman! I don't understand why you didn't distance yourself from her after the first time she spoke this way. Why pretend to be friends with such a person?

It is horrible to hear the way she speaks of a trusted employee who probably loves her children.

Anonymous said...

wow,this women is sad....tell her in her face ...she is a racist and needs to stop...she may be a kkk member?? ..i would not be a friend to this family...sorry but my grandparents died in germany just for being "jewish"...open your mouth this is not a women i would want anything to do with

Anonymous said...

Do the right thing, for crying out loud, woman! 1) Tell your "friend" to go to hell because she is a racist pig. 2) Tell the poor nanny so that she can get out of a toxic and abusive environment. Her employer is racially slurring her behind her back to members of the community!
Please do the right thing: put yourself in the nanny's position. Don't be complacent on this one.

lauren said...

No one would ever make such remarks around me. Ever. You are just as much to blame. What does your friend have on you that you can't put her in her place?

Something is amiss.
If no one tolerated her talking about the nanny like this, then she could not do it.

PS Nice "smiley". I think I get it.

Anonymous said...

FAKE POST. DUH.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure I would tell the nanny - although the behavior is deplorable. I think telling the nanny would only hurt her feelings. The nanny should definitely quit - that is for sure.

I think I would first start by telling the mother that you will not tolerate that kind of talk and if you hear her call the nanny that again, that you will tell the nanny. Maybe that would snap her into shape?

Anonymous said...

i'm agreeing with a couple of you. my first thought was this post was fake too.

t.r. said...

If it is a fake, it has to be one of those evil park slope nannies who is always bitching about how awful park slope parents are. I can't imagine anyone would ever speak about anyone like this. I love how she through in "Bye, I'm going to yoga".

This really only further proves how important it is to realize when you have a bitter, disgruntled nanny working for you. A nanny who hates you!

Anonymous said...

Yes. Someone's nanny is full of hate. Wow. I hope she outs herself soon before she causes harm to a child.

Anonymous said...

I thought it sounded fake too!

Anonymous said...

Im kinda in the middle. I mean it happens but why wouldn't this lady say something. The dialouge seems too...I dunno how to say, perfect. If it is true then the lady is crazy. She needs help.

C.A.B. said...

Look I am the OP of this post. I am kind of pissed off that most of you think that what I am saying is fake. What more do you want from me? I posted on here for advice, not to be bashed. What reason would I have to lie. I have not talked to this lady since this conversation she creeps me out. I just stumbled upon this site on Sunday after a friend told me about it. She ACTUALLY suggested that I post my dilemma on here. She said that people on here were rational and it would be eaiser to get advice from people on the outside. I never expected this. Its sad that I wanted to try to help this person and you all called me liars and that I was a "crazy, angry nanny". I plan on talking to the nanny this week. Before I did I wanted some advice. I have nothing to gain. I have a busy life I took time out of it to try to help someone. You all treated me like I was a monster. No one has seemed to help me and because of a few sour apples on this site, I have to suffer. THANKS!

jmt said...

Vote with your feet: walk away from the obnoxious people in your life. Other people don't get to be your friend if they don't behave.
Definitely tell the nanny. She deserves to know what is being said about her. This kind of attitude will carry over to her referral from that family. If anything negative comes from this situation, at least she won't be blindsided like it came from the blue. She'll already have a heads-up on just how twisted her employer is. And she can decide right now whether to stay or leave immediately.

BTW, sorry about the FAKE! stuff. Readers of this blog have been burned a few times already. We give our mental and emotional energy to a post, and it's very frustrating to learn that someone was jerking us around. I usually find something good to take away from the fakes anyway, but still. As if there aren't enough real stories of abuse out there...

Thanks for posting OP.

Kelly said...

C.A.B.,

I think you did the right thing by seeking advice. Maybe the foul mouthed loser knows about this site, and is blogging away trying to make you seem crazy. Maybe she is trying to "mess you up". Personally I don't know how I would address the issue other than to avoid the loser. But then, that's just me. Mean people creep me out. Please don't feel so bad.
:)

Yaya said...

OP-I would distance yourself and be more of a friend to the nanny. What do you think this woman says behind your back? Before you go and tell this nanny the horrible words said about her (which you should), you should put out some feelers to some of your contacts looking for a wonderful nanny so that she might have a fallback position.

Anonymous said...

Faker baker!

Anonymous said...

I don't think this post is fake: why would anyone think that? And the most ignorant comment I have heard all week:
"I can't imagine anyone would ever speak about anyone like this."
Congratulations 5:10, you are an idiot. You have won a brand new rock to live under.
Wake up. Racism is alive and well in many communities. Even your precious one.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the OP is just as much to blame: she is here seeking advice, you don't always know how you will react in a situation like that. It's stupid to bash her. Racism is scary. Anyone who is truly racist and uses the N word so freely is scary. I don't blame her for not knowing what to do or how to react. It's shocking and sad. And really sad that it's not really so shocking in our world. You know what I mean? You would think that we learned something but some people have hate in their hearts.
I feel for you, OP. Don't let the jerks on this board get you down. You have a good heart which is why you are upset. Stay away from that lady. And I would tell the nanny even though it may be difficult. You would want to know, wouldn't you?

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering why a racist would hire an African American to begin with. I can't have anyone I don't love or respect around my kids. I just figure most people are like me in the 07.

Anonymous said...

8:53...its simple. Its like slavery all over again for her. She probably gets off having a minority specifically someone she lothes work for her. Its validates herself. ASnyone who says this post is fake is a lunitic. Racism is everywhere open your eyes.

Anonymous said...

I am a very mouthy Southern girl. I'll come straight out and tell people, "Don't talk like that in front of me." With men, I say, "Sir, there is a lady present. Clean it up." I have never had anyone make an issue. And it is always strangers or casual aquaintances this comes up with. Speak up. Let her know you do not associate with racists. Please, tell the nanny. She deserves way better. This is just very sad for the children.

mel said...

Let us look at this rationally. If an employer were to speak about her employee in terms like this, she would slip every now and then. Her children would pick up on these terms. I don't buy it. And anyone who is a good nanny doesn't need to sit idle and be mistreated in any position. It is a NANNY's market. Not an employer's market. So any nanny who is sticking it out with an employer they don't like knows they could not do better. Maybe they lucked out and this particular employer didn't require a background check or bought her "aunt mary" posing as a UES employer.

This is all pointless.

"You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. To change your circumstances you need to change your thinking and subsequent actions.”
-Adlin Sinclair

Anonymous said...

9:07:

8:53 again. Maybe I live under a rock, but I don't think you can compare this to slavery. The parents are paying good money to have that nanny watch their children.

I would never want to financially support someone I hated. I wouldn't want someone I hated holding my kids and entrusting them to feed them, change their diapers, etc.

Hells no.

Anonymous said...

I'm not surprised at the cries of fake. There are some people on here with an us against them mentality. Every good nanny sighting seems to have a post accusing the nanny of posting it herself. They just can't admit that there are actually some good nannies, and bad employers.
Good for you for speaking up when you heard that ugly word. I hope you do talk to the nanny. It will be uncomfortable, but it is a kind thing to do. She deserves to work for someone who respects her.
I think all of us must speak up when we hear racist remarks. Don't let these people assume you agree with them. "If you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem".

Anonymous said...

To the OP : I didn't think your post was fake, I'm sorry about all the posters that gave you a hard time. Sometimes a person will happen upon this site and write a nasty post just to stir shit up - please, ignore them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did anyone notice that the OP wrote that she was "concerned" about the Nannys safety? .... I guess she's saying that once she informed her and then gave notice, the LOTH (Lady of the House) would somehow harm her. Not all that impossible .... there are some real nutjobs out there - and the LOTH does seem to use the N* word very loosely. I think the OP should quietly advise the Nanny - and then LEAVE. Do not give notice - THIS employer does NOT deserve one. And as one poster said above .... YOU give her a character reference, ok? I don't think the nasty employer would give her a good one anyway.
That Nanny is very lucky to have someone like you in her corner, OP.
Good luck & be safe.

Anonymous said...

C.A.B. is right. Why bash the OP for asking for help? If I was in that situation I would ask for help also. Its just funny how people scream fake when its put into bold letters for all to see. I mean if you heard it with your own ears you would be able to say you didn't hear it. In writing it plays a different tune. Racism still exsists. Al Sharpton, Don Imus anyone?

Anonymous said...

This is horrendous! I would tell the nanny and stop being this woman's friend. The mother is just plain hateful.

jmt said...

I am consistently surprised by the racism in people I meet. A lifelong neighbor of my family who seems to be a fine person, came out with a random comment about "the blacks" in the area. My dearest friend came up with phrase "gave me the nigger eyes" to describe a young black woman's expression. A teen who lives in Ozone Park (right next to Howard Beach, Queens) bragged about what a fine town it was - "there are hardly any blacks". The Israeli housekeeper of a family I knew tried to sell me on how wonderful Jerusalem is to live in: "You can walk down the streets at midnight wearing all your gold, and no one will bother you - there are hardly any blacks". I wanted to retort "Yeah, but isn't it full of Jews?" But I didn't. Just gave her the WTF?! face.
I can go on and on. So please stop trying to tell me there are no people who talk like the OP's former friend. And of course she'll slip from time to time in front of her children - that's probably how she learned bigotry: from her family.

Anonymous said...

Mel
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone found a way to blame the nanny. Reread the post. First of all she does not know the employer is calling her the N word behind her back. Secondly, we don't know if the children are preverbal, and therefore unable to repeat mom's vocabulary yet.
"You are the embodiment of the information you choose to accept and act upon. " Yes

Anonymous said...

jmt - i usually find your posts so eloquent, but this one disturbs me. You are not saying that it is o.k. to have an occasional "slip of the lip" are you? As long as the people who do it are of good standing? (Like your friends?)The OP said that "these people were crazy", and that she's worried the nanny would come up "missing or something" .... sounds to me like there is something more going on than a "slip of the lip", anyway.
Either way, the Nanny clearly needs to get out of that house. The woman is spewing nothing but hatred, albeit passive hatred - as she does it behind the back of the nanny that cares for her children.

Anonymous said...

JMT why are you still friends with these people? I am black, my fiance is Jewish and we live in Howard Beach in Queens. It is racist over there. Its mostly the Italian women that seem to have a problem with me. Most of the Italian guys want to get with me. In 05 there was that teen that beat up a black kid in the neighborhood. Caused a whole big stir. It was crazy! My fiance grew up in that neighborhood. They have no problems with jewish people living there. Black people they have a problem with. The area that I live in is almost all Mafia (I live 2 blocks away from Gotti's old house) most of them don't like black people. The only reason why we have not moved yet is because we inherited the house from his parents. They moved to Kew Gardens which is nicknamed (by jewish people) "Jew Gardens"

jmt said...

I am absolutely not saying that what I hear is okay. I am saying that all kinds of people I know, from acquaintances to lifelong neighbors can shock me by revealing a racist side I wasn't aware of. My friend upset me the worst, and believe me, I read him the riot act. I thought I knew him.
As for the slips, Mel seemed to think that the post was fake because no one could talk like that and not slip up in front of her kids (or maybe the nanny). I think that she must definitely slip up, perhaps not even caring what her children hear, and that's how kids learn bigotry at home.
I agree that the nanny should get out of there, if not for her safety, then because that family doesn't deserve to have a really sweet and good person doing a great job whom they actively disrespect and talk about with such contempt. As if a black nanny was an accessory or commodity one needs to keep up with the Joneses.

Anonymous said...

I think jmt was making the point that racism is all around us, not that she condones it.

Anonymous said...

9:32 here ....
I've read many of your posts jmt --(concerning 11:39) -- I never felt that you "condoned" racism, but that a "slip of the lip" by someone close to you was forgivable. You clear that up for me by saying you read your friend the "riot act". I know it doesn't solve the worlds problem, but when someone makes racist remarks in front of us, you should always let them know it makes you uncomfortable.
Either way ... we all still look forward to your valuable input. ;)

jmt said...

Thanks 9:32. I really was shocked by my friend (who is the only person mentioned above that I still have any contact with). With him, I would rather try to "rehabilitate" him than throw away a looooong relationship. I'm telling you, I was surprised at myself for speaking up to him the way I did because it is HARD to tell someone off like that. That's what I got out of this post: fighting against the Bad is hard to do. But I'm getting better at it the more I open my mouth. :) Poor him! hee hee

Anonymous said...

If I hear that word, I immediately speak up, no matter who is saying it. I tell them that I don't use it and don't want to hear it. It's demeaning and wrong and hurtful. That may not stop them in the future, but it seems to stop them when I am around.

Anonymous said...

oh of course this is fake! i mean no mom ever does anything wrong! only nannies would be caught acting in an inappropriate manner right? i swear i wish i could see some of you moms on the street. i bet you wouldnt be as bold as you are typing on your computers!

OP: i say you tell the nanny what this no good mom is saying behind her back. she needs to walk away from this racist cow.

Anonymous said...

I would tell the lady off, then tell the nammy.

There's a lady in my neighborhood that refers that way to her housekeeper but to the woman's face it's always "dear" and "Honey"

Anonymous said...

Why do numerous people assume that any post where the nanny isn't to blame is a fake? That seriously disturbs me. Tells me a lot about certain people...