Received Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I am a SAHM with young children in a a live in nanny. The children are all in different schools and programs throughout the day, so the nanny I and I split the driving and are in and out with them. As is my usual, I often go shopping on the avenue after I have dropped the oldest off for her full morning program. This morning, I had a migraine headache come on and went immediately home. I went to my bedroom to lay down and found the nanny (that I have come to love) exiting my closet. She is dressed in her own summer clothing and she isn't carrying anything. The shock and headache prevented me from doing anything other than looking at her. We have a full time housekeeper, there is no reason for the nanny to ever be in my room, ever. Additionally, she was technically "off" at this time. This is our third nanny in six months. Two previous nannies quit on us abruptly, one citing that I as a stay at home mom was too hard to work with. Now I feel I am in a corner, my children love this nanny and I am fairly sure I don't want to lose her over her being in my closet, but I can't let it go- or can I? Does anyone have any advice? The sooner I address this the better, but I am not sure how to revisit it. I have not seen the nanny since she left my closet. Thanks in advance for your help.
82 comments:
I am a nanny, and though i am not sure what your nanny was doing in your closet, esp. in her off time -i think your best course of action is to question her. Make sure to tell her that you're uncomfortable with people in your room, and that your past nannies have left a bad impression so you're adjusting. It may have been something very simple with a good reason - before you kick another nanny to the curb you might want to get the story :) She might be worth keeping afterall and if not shes no good for your children *like her or not*. I love children, and as a nanny they're my main focus *everything else comes second* i read these postings in disgust of what some families hire. Screen me, question me, drug test me, background check me. Please please please parents, choose wisely!
Sit down and talk to her. Ask her why she was there. It might be she had a reason, ie, checking your size, or what color something is to help kids get a Mother's day gift, or putting something away that was left out...kid clumping around in mommy's shoes for example.
well let me tell you.i have 4 little boys age 2-6...and 3 differnt school's...and guess what NO NANNY..its my job to drive,clean and play with them..could get a nanny but would never, never..made this great boys will take care of them BY MYSELF...
i worked full time 60 hours a week and now i am a mom fulltime..dont get you..why would want a stranger do your work and miss out on this very short time..and no wonder nobody wants to work for a s.h.m.they are watched every step they make ( like going in you closet)...cleaning women..why???what to you do....what is happening with us...i just dont get it...
Sweet Jesus, Mother's day never even occurred to me!
OP:
I'm hoping that Mother's Day is the answer. Hang in there and get back to us!
OP your last comment is hilarious. You could just ask her. I am a nanny and if Mom or Dad leave shoes or anything out I will put them in their closet for them so that the house is picked up when they get home. Also to be totally honest I have started my period unexpectly before and had to borrow a pair of shorts while my shorts were washing and then once I put my clean shorts back on I washed her shorts and put them back. There are all kinds of reasons she could've been in there that weren't sinister.
this really isn't the place to complain about the OP having a nanny... I think it's kinda her business and its your business to do what you want... but maybe if you had a nanny you wouldn't come on here posting all crazy like about your life... (which if you don't have a nanny and you aren't one, you probably are just here for gossip anyway, shouldn't you be with your kids?) just a thought.
to the OP, I didn't consider Mother's Day either, but that could be the reason! Ask her (don't mention 'was it mother's day?') and see what she says, it could just be that poster 2:42 is right!
2:45 -- Wow. Troll much? What business is it of yours why she has a nanny? You don't know her situation, and you have no right to judge her. Good for you for being a SuperMom. Here's your medal. Let those who need a little bit of help get it if they want it. You're the same kind of person who if something happened because she DIDN'T ask for help, you'd be all over her for NOT having a nanny! I really don't understand why some moms on here feel the need to be witchy all the time.
Communication is key, and you do need to address this with her. The best way to do this is to be non-confrontational about it. Say to her that you noticed she was in your closet, and you were wondering why she was in there. Tell her that your room is not really an appropriate place to spend her down time and you would appreciate it if she would not go in there. Identify places in your home that are within comfortable boundaries for your CCP to play with the kids or spend time. [the TV room, the playroom and the kitchen are usually good community spaces, but discourage her from going into your private bedroom or office.] While you are having this conversation, also establish where your CCP is allowed to take your children outside of the home (libraries, parks, walks around the neighborhood) and decide how far from home she can travel with your kids. Her action is a bit odd, and certainly warrants a red flag, but it is probably not worth it to let her go just yet. "Sometimes" there are awkward moments like this with your CCP, but open communication usually clears the air and helps to solve the issue at hand.
Lets see , one of this comments are witchy...mmmmhhh you are way more judgemental than this mom writes...
this mom is right..we should be with our kids more often and not hire nannys after nannys after nannys..is that good for our kids.??
and about being a super mom...no she may just feel that this is the old fashion way of bring up kids...
I think it might be connected to "Mother's Day". At least I hope so. I checked out someone's size once in a similar (innocent) way because I was intending to buy them a gift. I hope I'm right!
2:45-- you are pretty judgemental.. also I bet you couldn't afford a nanny even if you really really wanted one (which youre sure you don't.. sure, whatever.)
This mom seems caring and wants to do whats best. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Geez.
Perhaps she is making sure she has your size right so she can go and buy a pair of jeans in your size and customize that pair of jeans in a way that celebrates what a great mother she thinks you are?
for the poster at 245 that went on and on about not having a nanny: congrats to you. but not every mother is you. you are judging based on a sentence or two about a person. also, this isn't the place to berate a person for their choices. she was asking for advice, not a slam.
for the op: the answer could be mother's day. but, i would say that just asking the nanny why she was in your closet wouldn't hurt.
"nanny x, could i ask why you were in my closet the other day? i'm not accusing you of anything, but i just found it a little out of the ordinary."
if it was me and i was there because of mother's day i would just tell you "well, i can't tell you the exact reason, but let's just say that mother's day is rapidly approaching".
if you ask and she seems suspicious, then you need to figure out where to go from there.
well hopefully the nanny has enough brains to concoct some sort of fabrication if she doesnt have a legit reason for being in the closet. if i were a nanny, i would most certainly be online at kitson looking for some trendy mother's day t!
I'm a nanny and I must admit that i've acted on the urge to poke into my bosses room to look at her clothes. I would never take anything though. I shop at old navy and Ross so i just wanted to see. Please be nice to her because as upset as you are, she is EXTREMELY embarassed too. She may have been curious. Read the book - "you'll never nanny in this town again." all nannys snoop to some degree. Talk to her about it but be honest and open. If she says she was just curious because she hasn't seen such a large closet offer to take her upstairs to get a good look, and then tell her it is off limits. Be kind.
OP: How did the nanny react when you met her walking out of your closet? Guilty, nonchalant?
"jane doe" and "jmt"
I am tired of seeing your posts and no one calling you out on this. I have read your comments JMT- all of them. I know you are Jane Doe. I read what you said about playing a role in your nephew's life and I knew straight away who you were.
"Jane Doe", my ass.
8:55-Thank you for sharing your theory. Unfortunately, you are incorrect.
Kindest Regards,
JD
I would definitely talk to the nanny. You are uncomfortable about what you saw - if you want to keep her, just ask. She probably has a decent reason for being in there. And if she doesn't then you know what you have to do. But you have to talk to her about it or it will eat you up!!
And for the super critical poster about having a nanny and being a SAHM - you are plain old mean.
people should not have more children than they can handle on their own. If a family is well off enough to have the mother stay at home with the children there should be no reason why they need a nanny. Why would you have the kids in the first place if you do not plan on raising them yourself?
855, you must be a conspiracy theriost, huh? Who gives who is who on this blog? The whole point is to come here and share input about nannies and being an employer of a nanny. Beyond that, who is who is irrelevant.
245, the supermom who commented above, if you can do everything yourself, good for you. In case you missed the title of this blog, it's, I Saw You Nanny. The mom's and dad's who visit here usually have nannies. It's hard enough being a parent, but having someone come on and judge you is disheartening. Everyone's situation is different, and you do not know the OP's story. Don't judge lest thee be judged. On here, you sound like a self-righteous know-it-all who points fingers at others while ignoring your own flaws. You do have flaws, don't you? Oh, of course, your Supermom. My bad. Sheesh!
I think I like this mom. She seems to not want to be overly judgmental. I hope she gets a nice surprise.
Jane Doe is the owner of the blog, JMT is a freqquent commentator.
Conspiracy theorists! Gotta love em-
* this is me being speechless*
Can't we all just get along?
10:15PM,
Are you saying people who can't afford to raise their children on one income should not have children? Either you live on a farm, or you are very out of touch with reality.
No, I think she is saying she is insanely jealous when she imagines a stay at home mother with a nanny.
I'm a stay at home mother of three wonderful children, they are the priority in my life but I do take time during the day for myself. You should try it, angry sahm. Being happy is a huge part of being a great mother. I should feel guilty because I play tennis? volunteer? Have coffee with a friend? Shop for shoes without a toddler on my hip? I don't. I have the greatest nanny and I've had the same spectacular nanny for 7 years!
You are nothing except envious and that's unfortunate.
8:55 is just hysterical.
I actually cackled.
1015, just because a mom stays home does not mean she doesn't need a nanny. It's called personal time. It is what keep my marriage strong. My husband is happy because our sex life is hot. My children are happy because working out keeps me fit and energetic, giving me the energy to play with them. I am happy, because I get to see my girlfriends over coffee and chat, or go to the spa together and catch up on our lives. Total time away from my children per week is less than 10 hours. Does that make me selfish? Aren't I a human too, who needs to be taken care of?
Supermoms, take some time for yourselves. Seriously. I have one friend who is so burned out. She too is a SAHM who refuses to have anyone come in to help her. I feel bad, because her need to be a perfect mom is killing her marriage. Every week I ask her to join me for lunch or a trip to the gym, but she never does. Gahhhh! Why do some moms feel the need to be a maryter? I take time for myself, and my whole family benefits from it. A happy mom equals a happy home, I say.
envious...i dont think so....i have 3 kids and my job is to be the best mom i can be...
10:15 good job...this are moms that have children and then have other people raise them( they need free time...ha ha should of thought about that bevore she had them ) playing tennis, going out with girlfriends...come on spoiled no values and selfish....nothing to do with money....often they work just to pay for a nanny...feel very sad for children..
Hey OP-
Did you find out why she was in your closet? I am curious.
I wouldn’t even embarrass her further by asking. You love the nanny, so it doesn’t matter. All the “what if’s” above could be true. At worst – she was looking around because she’s curious. Sometimes I go to open houses of houses I can’t afford, to see what they look like inside. (And maybe I’ll get some fab decorating ideas that I can copy on the cheap.) Sometimes here at my office job I open mysterious doors and cabinets just to see what’s inside. I like to think curiosity is a sign of intelligence. Young people tend to be more curious than older folks (think how curious kids are. And the nanny isn’t much older than a teenager, right?) I would never assume she was stealing. From what I’ve heard (and seen at work), when employees actually do steal, 1. they go for money or at least expensive jewelry. Not clothes. 2. you don’t find out about it for years. They don’t get caught in the first few months.
I have to agree with the poster that said that maybe the nanny was just curious. Yes it is nosy, but you can't tell me that you honestly have never or would never look someplace you shouldn't when the opportunity presents itself - its just human nature.
I too shop at Old Navy and Target. I admit, I am envious of what my employers have. I would never take anything but I do like to look and dream (I can often be found during the children's naptime curled up on the sofa with a catalogue from some posh store I will never be able to afford).
i am the 10:15 and i understand people need some personal time but not 10 hrs a day or another person raising their child. hire a babysitter for a couple hours 2 or 3 days a week if you need. and if you need 2 incomes then go work if you want but i said if you are well enough off that you can afford to stay home with your children you should. why wouldnt you want to? why would you want to bring children into the world and then not care enough about them to raise them yourself? theyll end up resenting you in the long run. if you cannot change your social life around to have kids, you shouldn't have them in the first place.
No, Jennifer-
that was obnoxious.
who are the two moms posing with al sharpton?
well done...10:48....100% correct..
why have children if other people are raising them?
Would you ask a father why he should allow himself to have children if he is going to continue to work? Unlikely.
Grow up. Take off your apron, shave your beard down and dance about.
12:29..COME ON...THATS LIKE COMPARING YOURSELF TO AN INTELLIGENT HUMAN...MAN ARE MAN WOMEN ARE WOMEN. SHE TOOK THE "JOB" OF STAYING HOME MOM MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER IF THE DAD WOULD STAY HOME.. IAM SURE NO NANNY .AND BY- THE- WAY MAN CAN BE THE BEST NANNY'S..
YOUR COMMENT IS SO OUT THERE....
perhaps she was intentionally replying nonsensically to your ignorant comments. Who took the job of stay at home mom? The mom?
A nanny can't be the best nanny but a man can. Dial down your dosage, darling. All caps is just soo pathetically rude and obnoxious. Are you a stay at home mother? If so, aren't you worried that your anger and rage over being a stay at home mom is being projected on to your children? A person who was truly happy with her own life would not need to attack someone else.
I have no need to ever go into my bosses closet, but I do whenever the situation arrises, for instance, I needed a safety pin one day to fix something, I know the mom keeps them in her closet so I went and got one. Another time the housecleaners left an empty laundry basket out and I put it away. Sometimes I need to go into their bathroom and get a bandaid if we have run out or some tampons if I ran out. And for the record, if I wanted to I could not fit into my bosses little bitty clothes and hate her style choices. shrug oh well.
The answer:
She was in the closet looking for Tom Cruise
The next time I saw the nanny (about two hours after incident) we were in the kitchen and she had one of the children with her. She looked at me expectantly- I think waiting for me to ask what she was doing. I brushed past the subject and just moved on to child issues. If it is a mother's Day thing, I would of course be delighted. I never had a nanny help or apply an effort with regard to a mother's day gift. At this point, I am ready to write it off as curiosity. As I mentioned before, she is relatively new. Perhaps she just wanted to see what my bedroom and closet looked like. As I stated before, I am really happy with her.
Thanks for your responses. I felt anxious immediately after this happened, but only a short while later, it seemed to feel less momentous.
I have an au pair and I have to say I wouldn't care much if I found her in my closet or in my stuff. I told her she's welcome to use any of it...Now, if stuff turned up stolen, not borrowed, or something, then that would be different. Maybe she was just looking at your clothes. I can't get it up for this one.
Well an au pair is supposed to be treated like a member of the family. They work for pennies a day and in return you are supposed to look out for them and include them in everything.
Big difference!
Indeed, OP, there are times that we are more affected by happenings than others, especially when we are feeling ill or very stressed. By overlooking it for now and being wary, I feel you are doing the correct thing. Mother's Day is May 13th btw.
I am a former nanny and now care for two children in my home besides my own baby.
I think this mother should have confronted the nanny right away, for instance said in nice way can she help her find something. It could have been something innocent.
I don't care what people do as far as being able to stay home and have a nanny besides, hey whatever you want to do is your business. But I will say that the fact that it is the third nanny in six months and one of her former nannies actually admitted that she was hard to work for is very telling. Red flag: you perhaps need to reassess how you treat your employees.
Red flag? She needs to assess how she treats her employees? Are you seriously kidding me?
She didn't say anything no doubt because she didn't want to risk offending the nanny snoop.
I would have absolutely said, "what in the hell are you doing in here?"
Uh, no, I don't believe I am "seriously kidding" you.
To each his own: be a bitch in that situation and see what it gets you.
Oh please!
"Difficult to work for" means that she expects something other than a warm slug of a body to watch her kids. It means she might actually require someone to get off their tuckus and work for a living. Sue her if you don't like it.
Maggie-
Not everyone behaves like that.
I think it's pretty awful to associate treating people like crap with stature or power. If anything, taking pride in treating people poorly is synomous with a lack of class.
NO difficult to work for can also mean the mom IS A BITCH who is constantly hovering around the nanny and not letting her do her job which in turn makes it difficult to deal with the child! Speaking from experience as a mom WHO DOESN'T hover and a teacher who deals with over anxious hovering parents!
yes but OP doesn't sound like a bitch.
1229pm, Brwahahahahah!!! Shave!! Your comment made my night!!
1245, sorry, but you are way out there. All caps is rude, and I think you need to take a grammar class.
Man you mothers are all drama queens. First off the nanny was just snooping, the mother needs to aughhhh maybe take some responsibly for her children, I am sure she's some rich snob in NY. THOSE ARE THE WORST kinds of families to work for. I feel bad for the nanny, who is just trying to make a living dealing with drama queens like you people.
Now i recognize you for sure 941, you plagiarized content from this site and tried to start your own anti mommy blog.
So sorry it never took off.
Team Alec!
Toronto mama (9:56) is a lazy teacher who doesn't care about her students. She'd rather work with parents who don't give a damn -- just like most nannies !!!!!
I am a nanny...and if she is as wonderful a nanny as you say she is and she is great with your children and has bonded with them, I would not let something like this make you get rid of her without discussing it face to face with her. I'm sure it was a perfectly innocent reason. I hope anyway...
I am a nanny, and I must admit, when I went to work for the family I am with now, I was astounded at their home. I never got an actual tour of the house, so, when mom and the kids went out and I was home alone, I snooped. I just wanted to see what all of that space consisted of (the house is huge). I didn't go into their things and if a door was locked I left it that way. You can't help but be a bit curious when you work for a rich family and you yourself are not a part of that class/group of people. I have a nice suite, but it isn't nearly as nice as the rest of the house. It's like the maid quarters or area of the house (in the back of the house). Anyway, I would never think of stealing ANYTHING from my employers and I stay out of their closet and bathroom. I have to be in the bedroom with the baby from time to time.
10:44am I am definitely NOT a lazy teacher! I just can't stand parents who want to come into classrooms and hover there when not needed and then in the process cause their child to 'act out'! Thank god your not one of my class parents! *shudder*
OP, how about an update!
Toronto:
I thank God I'm not one of your class parents either. I'd have to correct your grammar.
hint: your versus you're
OP again,
I did update as much as I was able.
Nothing more has been said on the subject. Even if she was just walking through my room to have a look while I was gone, it's not worth embarassing her. (As one of the responses suggested).
It was a little awkward the rest of that day as it seemed she was waiting for me to say something, but by the next day the awkwardness was gone.
In retrospect, I am really glad I didn't say anything. I'll let you know if my opinion of her changes, but the more I see- I think I've found one of the great ones.
I have worked with a mother who was "difficult to work with" and it was because she was a horrible employer. She would always come home late and since I was on salary, it pissed me off. When I confronted her about it, she didn't really respond, so I started keeping a log of when I had to work until and kept a list of my "overtime" hours so that it would be documented. (I kept the list in the back of the baby's daily journal.) Well one day when I went to write down my hours, I saw that she had not only crossed some of the hours out and flat-out changed them, but had also deducted some days when she had come home early (not that many) and subtracted those hours from my "overtime" total.
So, no: "difficult to work with" had nothing to do in my case with my being lazy or anything like that. The poster who made that comment sounds really stupid.
Any nanny out there knows that when you are scheduled to work until 5:30, have been working since 7:00, and it's now almost 7pm, there is a problem, and the fact that you got out a whopping half hour early two weeks before should not make a difference. Parents, don't make a habit out of being late: you will lose a good
nanny and trust me, nannies talk.
2:35AM:
You are so right. I'd like to add, on the issue of coming home late, vs letting you go early. When the mom comes home early and lets you go, that is her choice, and at her convenience. When she comes home late, you have no choice but to stay, you are virtually a prisoner until whenever she gets home, regardless of what plans you may have or the necessity to be somewhere.
I have quit a job over that. Aside from the effect on my personal life, I felt it showed a total lack of respect. And no, I am never late to work.
UES Nanny
so, when you work late because the mother isn't home, it's ok to snoop in her closet? Did I miss something here?
10:09PM
Yes, it is in my contract, if she is late I can snoop in her closet.
Privacy is important and all that but as a nanny I have worked for Moms who have a remarkable sense of style and I have found myself checking out clothes in their closet - colors and textures etc. I never wanted to wear any of them or to take them ... trying to understand fashion is not a bad hobby. The Mom just needs to indicate if she feels violated.
I think your trust has been breached. She was in an off limits area and she clearly should not have been. I'd start looking for a new nanny. She's not the person you want watching your kids when you're not around.
Ok, so I'm a nanny for a 2 yr old and 4 yr old. I work for a sahm. Unlike OP who takes time to do stuff with her kids like drop them off and pick them up makes her look like an extraordinary mom. The sahm I work with drops the 4 yr old off at daycare between 845am and 930am. She leaves him there until at least 6. What I don't understand is, she is gone ALL day everyday "running errands" or in "meetings". Plus she hardly ever gets home on time. My hours are from 830-5. I used to work 930-6. Even when it was 6 she couldn't get home on time. I'm sorry, but NO sahm I have ever met has to run errands all day everyday. Meanwhile, when she's out and about, the 2 yr old and I are stuck at home, she won't let me take her anywhere for some odd reason, but the 4 yr old I can take places. What's the purpose of having a nanny to watch your children if one of them is in daycare 5 days a week all day. The sad thing is, the 4 yr old constantly asks mommy if she'll pick him up early and she tells him she will and she doesn't. I always ask if I can go get him, so I can take them to the park or do something fun. I wish I could find another family to work for, but I'm TERRIFIED of leaving these kids with her as a mom. The dad has his own business so he's always travelling, BUT when he's with the kids he's WITH them taking them BOTH places and doing things with both of them with ease. She can barely handle one of them, nevermind both of them. They needed to not have kids. Also, when the daycare teachers tell you you're more of a mom to them then she is and when I'm not there that the 4 yr old is SO insecure with himself, says something about her!!
Those children will be scarred for life. All a child needs is his/her mother's love. I don't care if they have 3 super nannies, a part of the child's heart will always have a black hole where the mother's love should be.
You have to have a license to have a dog, but any old bitch can have a baby.
9:46 don't lose sight of the fact that you are doing a job, and that your life should come first to you. Your concern for the kids is admirable, but there are lots of kids with bad parents, you can't help all of them. And you can't help these two in the long run because you don't have the power in your job as their nanny because the boss won't let you. It's like being a firefighter who's not allowed to put out fires. You should move on to a family that can really use you to make their kid's life better.
P.S. Have you spoken to the Dad?
Good Luck.
So wow! there has been a lot of nasty comments that don't have anything to do with the questions...Don't fire the nanny, ask her. I am a nanny and I have been in the closets of the people who I nanny for. Either looking for something, putting something away, etc. It's not that big of a deal.
I would be careful with her
As others have said, I too used to be a big snoop when I babysat and was a nanny. I probably looked in every closet of every home I was ever at! It was total curiosity and nothing more. I think a huge number of teen and 20 something girls do it just to see how other people live. Now that I am a 40 yr. old mom myself, I laugh at how things that I used to think were so interesting and intreeging when I would snoop are just commonplace every-day things. Immaturity in this area should have nothing to do with how well she will help you raise your kids. Good luck with her.
ok, when you are expressing your dislike of the sahm-with-nanny-hater, must you throw in an insult about how she probably can't even afford one? off the subject
516, 350, I agree with you both. As a nanny I am allowed in the parent's room at my current job. They are very open that way. I have peeked in her closet to just look at her clothes. I would never ever do anything beyond that. I love clothes. I even have the same Bebe sweater as the mom! I like looking at all the girl's cute little clothes in their closets too. (plus I do their laundrey) Basically, as a comfort to the OP, your nanny may very well have just been curious and admires your fashion sense.
do the mom know you are in her closet? I would think her husband would have an issue with snoopy snooperson.
I have news for you sanctimonious SAHM’s, you are ONE person! If you have more than one child you will NEVER be able to split yourself into 2! The best you can do is the best you can do- which by the way- isn’t the best. Hiring a nanny to assist your family means spending more QUALITY time with your children- isn’t that what it’s all about? Rather than your self absorbed need to control every minute detail of your children’s lives? Cheers to those who understand a calm, loving, organized household with enough attention to o around trumps a harried, frazzled, OCD control freak who doesn’t have time to be anything but a mommy 24/7 and then some. Good luck with that. You’re judgmental attitude and negativity points to a bitter and unhappy existence, pitiful.
Is JMT really back? Where have you been? Anonymous for a while or really gone? I was anonymous for a while amd then chose a new moniker, so you probably dont know who I am.
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