Received Sunday, March 4, 2007
I am a stay at home Mom with two young children. On Saturday, I took my 4 and 7 year old to the Chester Heights Park which is located in Eastchester, NY. They are very social children who enjoy playing independently so I set about working on a crossword puzzle, looking up periodically to keep track of them.
Regrettably, my four year old boy at some point took a swing that another child was waiting for from that child. I didn't witness that happen exactly. What I did witness was a very large nanny, towering over a boy of about the same age as my son as she instructed her "charge" to knock him off the swing. She used lots of improper language/slang as she urged the boy to "git him". I caught this as I made my way over there. When her little boy refused to knock my child out of the swing, she scolded him and called him a "punk" and further told him that "everyone knows they can beat on you now". I was shocked by this gruff, looming nanny but ignored her all together to deal with my son and the little boy. I asked the little boy what happened. He told me. I asked my son if that was true. He agreed that was true. I ordered him to get off the swing and to apologize and he did just that. This is normal, right? The nanny was shaking her head at me like I was a monster. Granted, if I would have seen my son stealing a swing from a child, I would have hopped up sooner and none of this would have happened. But things like this DO happen on the playground. I was really scared by the vicious, thug like behavior of the nanny.
41 comments:
I hope you remember what the kid looks like. If you see him again at the park with his mother, tell her what you witnessed.
Nannies like this should be fired and sent to charm school, where they learn tro behave like civilized adults.
Civil behavior is discouraged in some cultures, so she'll need to be re-educated in order to survive in our society.
i would of made my child do the same, get off the swing and say sorry...
Your description of this nanny makes me cringe. Those are terrible values to teach a child and you were wonderful to actually speak with your son and the other child in order to resolve the dispute.
I don't want to seem overly critical of you, because you aren't the subject of the post, but I am going to pose this question to the readers, because it's something I always wonder about: I am a full time nanny to a family with two childre aged 4 and 6. I think it would be incredibly negligent of me to take those children to a park and not be engaged in active watching the ENTIRE time. There is no way I could ever justify bringing my sewing, a book, a crossword puzzle or anything else with me. I feel guilty when I check my cell phone periodically for VM or texts. And yet, I see mothers with their kids at the park doing all those things and only half heartedly involved in watching their kids. I know these mothers love and care for their children, so it leaves me amazed that they aren't more concerned about staying engaged.
You did absolutely the right thing. It is never a good thing to teach children violence.
On the same token, I hope when my daughter get older (she is only a baby now!) that she stands up for herself better than I myself did as a child. I really did let other kids walk all over me and I think all it would have taken is for me to lose my temper one time and tell them where to go and I wouldn't have had so many problems! However in this story the children in question were way too young to have to worry about defending themselves: a fight over a swing is not the battle to pick!
I want my daughter to learn to use her words, and only in self-defense would I want her to fight.
i have been a nanny for almost 5 years and at both my jobs, not once did the parents ask what my "parenting" techniques were in the interview! how do you not ask that?! what if i thought it was okay to spank their kids? or how about if i thought it was okay to not discipline their kids and let them run wild? if the parents of the little boy had asked these question, maybe he wouldn't be stuck with such an awful nanny! she is a disgrace to all of us!
As a mother, I can say that taking the children to the park is something that I really do not enjoy doing. When my children ask me to go on the weekend, I do go-but only armed with a magazine.
There are many things I enjoy doing with my children. The park isn't one of them.
And of nannies vs. mothers, there is a huge difference in how someone does a job they are getting paid to do. I have a cleaning person 4 times a week. On days she is not here, I have no choice to clean, but if she cleaned the way I clean, the house would be filthy and she would be fired! Same thing goes for the some of the ways my husband "fixes" things around the house.
I don't read magazines at my corporate job. I would be fired.
I can understand that taking a child to the park might not be an enjoyable experience for either a nanny or a mom. However, while a mom or a nanny is engrossed in a magazine article or a crossword puzzle, a child can be taken out of a park by a pedophile in the blink of an eye. So, if moms or nannys don't enjoy park outings, it might be best for the safety of the child to find an activity where the adult caregiver can remain fully engaged.
A mother knows her children better than a nanny. This mother was doing a crossword puzzle and watching the child.
And where did this happen?
It feels so ghetto.
Believe me Eastchester is FAR from "ghetto". You did not provide a physical description of the child or the nanny. As someone who lives in the area, could you provide that? I'd hate to think this was my child or one of his friends.
I am a nanny and I agree that I would never be doing a crossword puzzle at the park! I don't buy the "They are very social children who enjoy playing independently." There are so many accidents that happen on a playground. Many children injure themselves every day in parks and playgrounds, and parents as well as nannies need to be more proactive. A four year old is too young to be unsupervised.
The mommy in this post should have payed more attention. And the nanny sounds awful!!
I am the crossword mother and OP. I know this park and as a stay at home mother, I know what my children are and are not capable of. As a mother, I can make the decision for myself what I do while I have my children at the park. I don't think a nanny should have that perogative, unless perhaps she has been with the family a long while, is their principal caregiver, etc.
I really don't understand how I came to be the focus of the response.
Back to the description of the involved people. My son is 4 years, 4 months and this boy was just about the same height and build as my son. This boy had medium brown hair, fairly short and hazel eyes-eyes that stand out. Freckles around his nose. I can't remember much about what he was wearing, I believe it was a jacket and the American Airlines colors come to mind. The nanny was probably between 5'10"- 6' and 280-320 lbs. She had her braided hair pinned up, wore no make up and had very good skin. She was also African American and I don't believe she had any accent.
This wasn't a post about what this nanny tried to get her "charge" to do to my son. It was about the disparaging way she talked to him and the fact that she tried to incite him to react violently. I don't approve of children taking things from others, but they should be properly guided how to speak up for themselves and resolve disputes using the power of their WORDS. And these words need not be shouted. Sometimes, you just have to point something out to another a child. At 4 years of age, do we really think that children are conspiring in advance to steal swing time from other children? Or perhaps they are just behaving egocentrically and have not quite evolved to be aware of others around them.
Better yet, an army rep should case the parks and recruit bitches like this and airdrop them over Afhganistan.
Bring our boys back home!
I agree with your opinion of the nanny, she sounds truly horrible, and I think you handled the situation well. I have to say however, as a nanny, when I have an unsupervised child throw sand or grab a swing from my charge, I am annoyed at the adult parent or nanny who should be preventing this. You can allow a four year old to play independently, and still keep an eye on him.
12:54 PM It is one thing for a parent to choose to let the cleaning slide, quite another to not supervise a child adequately in a public playground.
How was the child not supervised?
The mother overheard that entire exchange in making her way over there, so she was clearly watching her child!
OP:
You know that all nannies blame the mothers for whatever goes wrong. It shouldn't shock you that you're being criticized.
Just be happy you're a sahm and don't have to deal with this often,
wow, hh...sometimes...I don't think all the time, but sometimes, a nanny knows the children better than the parents. Who are you to say? I know as a nanny myself I know the children way better, as I spend 80% of their waking time with them.
How dare you guys tell the OP what she can and cant do with her children, or that it is bad for her to do a crossword while her children play nearby. she is their mother and can do what she wants. you all need to learn some manners and stop being so quick to judge and critisize
to the OP
Did Nanny Thugly have an English accent? I believe I've read about her before.
12:14 PM - Your actions as a nanny can in no way compare to that of a parent. As a parent, I find it completely acceptable to check my email or do other things around the house while watching my child, but as an employee you aren't allotted the same privlidges. Please nannies, realize that although you do have a large impact on your charges' lives - you are still an employee and can't do all the same things that a parent can.
I don't think anyone was telling the OP what she can and cannot do. It was suggested that she should not have been doing a crossword puzzle while her kids were playing on playground equipment.
As far as her defensive comments about how she "can make the decision for myself what I do while I have my children at the park." and then goes on to say "I don't think a nanny should have that perogative, unless perhaps she has been with the family a long while, is their principal caregiver, etc.", well that is just crazy. She should have quit while she was ahead! That comment just shows what a jerk she really is and how she looks down on working class people like nannies. As another response said, nannies actually spend more time with the kids than the parents in most instances and they know the kids much better as far as their limitations go. That being said, you can know a four year old like the back of your hand and you still cannot assume that nothing will happen to him when he tries to expand on those limits, with or without faulty playground equipment.
The mother in this story should have been watching her kids instead of doing a crossword puzzle. A playground is not home.
And as far as the focus of this post becoming about the mother, she just needs to accept the fact that she was busted.
-a parent who watches her kids on the playground
wrong wrong wrong
There is a huge difference between what a mother or father can do and what an employee paid to do a job can do. That isn't talking down to anyone, that is just a fact.
OP was right. If the nanny has been with the family a long time, then she knows the children very well. I know many nannies who become like family and are allotted more privilige just and only because they are essential to the household.
But some new nanny? Some nanny with 10 months or even 2 years under her belt, NO way. Get off your butts and engage the child in your care.
I know this park. I would be comfortable reading a magazine while my twin 5 year olds played nearby. Just because a mother is reading a magazine or doing a crossword puzzle does not mean she is not supervising her children. I can read a magazine on a park bench, but I read the same sentence over and over again because I am looking up at my children to check on them AND to respond to anything they ask. Including "watch this, mommy". I think that is the difference. A mother would feel guilty if she didn't respond to her child where as what I get from nanny behavior I have witnessed is that a trip to the park is a break for the nanny and the child having to use the restroom or expressing hunger, tiredness, cold or even crying- nothing is going to get the nanny to look up or get off her keister.
wow, parks must be a lot different where y'all are...here, you take your kid to the neighborhood park and play with them, not sit on a bench and watch. just regional differences i guess,,,not trying to judge anyone :)
If I take the kids to the park on a weekend, it is brief and most likely I have a book or something.
Yet another reason I try to guide the nanny to take the kids to the park 5 days a week! Hoping that on the weekends, they won't ask!
But if they do..........
As a mom and nanny I can say the nannies behvior was deplorable and the mom's was not all that great.
After again repeating the nanny was wrong, wrong wrong, mothers....WAKE UP!
In this day and age there is no where your children are safe and a child of pre School age should not be out of your sight for a second! Would you want your nanny reading books, doing crosswords or checking messages while your child is playing in the park? The other day while with my charges at the park I watches a disinterested father reading Sport illustrated while his 5 year old fell off the top of the jungle gym and broke his arm. Had the father bothered to look up once in the 10 minutes his head was buried in the article he would have seen his son climbing where he was not supposed to be and the others like me urging the child to come down. Too many times I witness hysterical women who had their noses buried in books or gabbing away on the cell phones, frantically calling their child/charges names eyes darting wildly because they lost track of them and don't know where they are. Again I say WAKE UP! A child can be injured or stolen in seconds. And to the one who said she has her nanny take her kids to the park 5 days a week so she doesn't get asked on weekends, shame on you! Try spending quality time with your kids instead of handing them off to someone else or don't be surprised when they want nothing to do with you as you get older. It' one thing to have to work and pay a nanny, quite another to pay someone to fill in for you!
::end rant::
I am the nanny who posed the original question about whether mothers should or should not do crossword puzzles.
To the OP: I'm sorry that I exposed you to the criticism above, that was not my goal. I asked the question because in my experience it's rather common for mothers to behave as you do, and rather common for (competent) nannies to behave as I do, and I've noticed that disconnect for some time now. I'm sorry that other commenters aren't very diplomatic about the way they posted their opinion, but I am glad that I started the conversation, because it's helped clarify how I feel about the issue.
The mother who wrote: I have a cleaning person 4 times a week. On days she is not here, I have no choice to clean, but if she cleaned the way I clean, the house would be filthy and she would be fired! really put things in focus for me. The cleaning lady & the mother clean differently, but that's not because there is one way for a cleaning lady to clean and one way for a mother to clean--they clean differently because the cleaning lady does her work THE RIGHT WAY and the mother does what she needs to to get by.
I don't know how I'll behave when I'm a mother. I can imagine there will be days when I will find taking my kids to the park a chore I don't want to get through without some other kind of stimulation. On those days I will probably do as I please because I'll be the boss, I doubt I'll feel all that much guilt about it either.
The one thing I hope I don't do is try and justify it by saying that there is one "right way" for nannies and one "right way" for moms. If I have my head in a magazine half or a quarter of the time I'm in a public space where a pedophile could be only yards away from my children, I'm taking a risk. It's a calculated risk, but it's a risk and it's not THE RIGHT WAY, but I'll still probably do it, so I try not to judge the mothers who do it now too harshly.
9:06: I agree with everything you said up until you tried to shame the mother who hopes her nanny takes the kids to the park so that she doesn't have to. Just being a mother doesn't automatically give you a love of playing in a park. There is nothing wrong with having that kind of aversion. I love doing crafts, art projects, reading, hiking, and other kinds of activities with my kids, but I'm not enthusiastic about hanging around the sliding board.
That doesn't make me a bad mother and I feel no shame for it!
To all the defensive moms who are saying you have a right to do whatever you want with your own child. We are talking about a public playground, not a suburban backyard. There are other children there, and adult strangers. In addition to your own child's safety, you have a communal responsibility. If you haven't taught your child to wait for his turn on the swings, go with him to the swings! Sit on the edge of the sand box, so someone else doesn't have to intervene when he/she throws sand or grabs toys. Thank you,
Manhattan Mommy
If you read the post secret website, there is a great (and very fitting) secret posted from a child's provider. So true.
TO the original OP from a "Super Nanny" . . ;)
Disregard the ignorant comments on here regarding you doing a crossword puzzle. I think you did exactly the right thing, and you owned up to having not seen something happen quicker. I really bet you must be a heck of a mom from the sounds of how you dealt with everything. You weren't being negligent. You owned up to perhaps not seeing something sooner...i.e., not being perfect. Like who of us are? And no way should a mother's actions be compared to that of a nanny, unless they are negligent. It's not like your children were little toddlers in need of engagement every second. Children need to be given a little independence. I'm sure that sentence will be misinterpretted. But whatever. This is just for the OP. Way to go, and forget the other comments
how do you know it was the child's nanny, and not a backwards parent or relative?
if she was a "backward's parent" or "relative", she has been outed just the same.
What a creep! I would definitely be looking for her if I took my children to that playground. I don't give a rat's ass if she is the nanny or the mother.
12:01 - Could you post a link here? My friend was just looking at that site, so I know it's pretty huge. Could you narrow it down?
the link to post secret is in the side bar of this blog. and has been.
they only post 10 cards a week. so it is easy to find but it has to do with daycare providers.
Allow me to shed some light on this subject-
OP: I skimmed through yer post and "Amazonanny" had no right to speak that way to your child. She shouldn't even be a nanny, since her choice of words was inappropriate. For her to speak to her charge in such a manner, telling him to "git yer child", tells me she has no education. Children are bi-directional, meaning they influence their environment, and their environment influences them. Her choice of words, body language and interactions with this child will bring about aggression if the parents don't step in and do something.
Where did the family find this nanny? The welfare building?
I find it ironic that there are responses saying nannies need to get off their "butts" and "keisters", and yet, as horrible though she was, it was the nanny in the post who was right there on her feet to defend her care from a child who took his swing, while the thief's mother was the one on her derriere, doing a crossword puzzle.
A nanny
I think that's a great point. Her methods were bad, yet her intentions good. And we talk alot about cultural differences: well, people who are raised in the inner-city are different culturally than people who are raised in lily-white neighborhoods. The "hood" is a culture all in it's own and for some people, it is correct and right to defend themselves physically. Now, I wouldn't tell my little kid to push another child, of course not. But here we are all "ultra-liberal" yet we cannot understand the cultural differences between an inner-city nanny and a suburban one.
As the last poster said, that nanny as horrible as she sounded, was right there by the kid's side: she came to the park to play. The hum-drum mom in the story came to sit down and work on a crossword puzzle.
I guess we need to choose between the lesser of two evils.
A rageaholic might not have been to the park to play. She may have been parked on her own keister, only closer and charging to her feet like a bull with the intent to get her fight on with some 4 year old.
Lesser of two evils?
She sounds like an uncivilized piece of garbage.
Speaking as a mother, since when do nannies have to take better care of our childern than we do? So what if she's getting paid and I'm not. The welfare and safety of my child is my pay. When my son was younger I was by his side the whole time at the park (even though I can't stand the park and didn't want to be bored there) it's not about us it's about our children.
I have a 10 year old son and 8 year old daughter and there certainly are things I allow them to do in my company than I would not be comfortable with our nanny of four months allowing! Besides, I specifically hired a nanny that would PLAY with the children. Take them to the park and PLAY soccer.
And I am straight out honest and tell them, that isn't me but that is what I expect from my nanny. If that isn't you, than this isn't the job for you!
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