When the Nanny Won't Make Room for The Soon to be New Wife

Advice please...

I have been involved with a single father (widower) of three children ages 11, 8 and 4, for over two years. We have a long distance relationship, but it is serious, and we plan on marrying next year with me relocating to be with him and his children. The problem is his live-in nanny. She started working for him after his wife passed away. She has been with the children ever since. I believe she loves his kids and takes care of them.

The problem is she does not like me, and has treated me poorly since day one. When I first brought it up with him, he told me she was just socially awkward, and that I was imagining things. As time passed though it became obvious that this was not a manifestation of my imagination, with her becoming outwardly angry and jealous when he and I see each other. At one point she berated him for having "his priorities all wrong", and continued to speak poorly about me in the home. He and I have discussed (and argued) about this at length. He agrees that she is irrational in her feelings toward me and that her behavior is totally inappropriate. He has tried to reason with her but he said she is irrational- and that she would act this way regardless of who he is involved with. Is it just me or is that not incredibly toxic and abnormal?

I have never asked him to fire her, nor would I, but I have told him that as long as he does not establish clear boundaries, the problem will only get worse and we will all suffer because of it. Which is exactly what has happened. It is now at the point that his son, age 8, is recognizing that there is a problem, and that if we marry, he knows his nanny will leave, and that makes him sad. My partner is now worried that his children will resent us (which basically means me) when we blend our families because they will see us (me) as the cause for her departure. My boyfriend is sensitive because he feels the kids will experience another loss when she leaves, which I appreciate and respect, but the dynamic between all of them seems unhealthy as it is and the problem just continues to get worse. He admits the lines of her role in the family have been deeply blurred, she thinks she is the other parent, and that if we marry, she will leave. My concern is that she takes tremendous liberties not so much with the children but with him and his private life.

I don't know of anyone who has ever been in this situation before so am reaching out for advice and help from this community. I don't think 2 years is an unreasonable amount of time to expect him to establish some boundaries with her or to find some other way to deal with the situation. It has effected our relationship in a negative way and, her attitude and actions now so obvious it is affecting his kids. I think he has kept her around based only on his guilt about their mothers death, and perhaps the hassle of finding someone new. Because of his employment he cannot go without someone else in the home to care for his kids.

I do not want to give him an ultimatum to either get rid of her or me, but equally so I think it is terribly unfair to all of us to start our new family with his children blaming and resenting me for their nanny having to leave. I do not know how to get around this issue. All the articles I have found are about the mother (or in my case potential step mother) being jealous of the nanny, but in this case it is the other way around. Has anyone else had something similar happen, and how was it resolved??? I no longer know what to do.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Send your stories and questions to isynblog@gmail.com.

Missy's Island

Lisa Vasalle

     I am in the middle of a private hell. I started a new job in June. Last Saturday we left for Nantucket with plans to spend "the rest of the summer." at the family's house. The children I take care of are 5 & 8 and although I replaced a long term nanny that was well liked, we seemed to be getting a long fine.
    The first day in Nantucket, we unpacked and I left with the kids to the beach by the house while Mom stayed back and set up the house. It was a great day. The next day Sunday, was a great day. Then comes Monday. The mom had told me she had booked "Missy" while she was looking for a nanny and wasn't sure if she could find a nanny she liked and one that would travel. Because she booked "Missy" for 6 weeks, she wasn't going to cancel on her. This sounded okay to me. It would ensure I have some downtime, and I could comfortably explore the Island with the kids and Missy the nanny who was a local.
    Right away I sensed a problem with Missy. This was her eight time babysitting for the family, including seven weeks last summer. They had last seen Missy over Memorial Day Weekend. Watching them reunite, it was immediately clear not just how much they regard her, but that the relationship I thought was so great paled in comparison.
   The family had rented me a jeep and Missy had her own car. Missy assumed possession of my jeep. Initially it seemed because she could zip us over to wherever we were going without GPS. She knew where friends lived, picked them up, dropped them off and knew where to park, whether downtown or an outlying beach. Missy is anything but laid back. I can't imagine she is always like this. If they aren't building castles or burying each other in the sand, they are running obstacle courses and jumping in the water, jumping waves. Downtown at home is about making birdhouses, seashell necklaces, kites. Not knowing the area and having limited knowledge of the kids, I feel like she is making me look foolish.
    I honestly told the mother I felt inadequate and she told me not to worry about it, that everyone was happy and I was new here. She suggested I take the day for myself (Thursday). I did this. I took the jeep, went to one of the places we picked up lunch before, got my kind of food, bought a book and went to a beach. I sat and read and cooled off in the ocean. The day was going perfectly until I got bit by a jellyfish. Never happened before. I was alone and panicked. I was in so much pain. I somehow got my folding chair and bag together and made for the parking lot. I couldn't find my keys. The keys were no where. I went back looking for them but I was in so much pain, I had a huge breakdown, partly the pain, partly just feeling like an ass. I called the mom's cell- no answer. I called the house- the father answers. I calm down and explain the key situation. He says he will come out. I've only dealt with him three times and he must have JUST arrived.
    He arrives at the beach, walks me to his car and goes to look for the keys. He gets help from two random kids on the beach. thirty minutes later, he is driving me back to the house with the jeep still there but the keys in my hand. He asks me if I am okay. I ask him if this is supposed to hurt so badly. He stops downtown at a pharmacy and gets some stuff and comes back and tells me what to do with it. He says, "otherwise, if everything going okay?" He's just being nice but polite, I'm sure he didn't want to hear it, but I burst into tears. I didn't end up saying anything. I tell him everything is fine, I just feel out of place and miss home. He looks kind of shocked at my outburst, but not mad.
    We pull up to the house and the kids come running out and ask what happened. The father just said I got bit and had a scare. He suggested they let me go rest in my room. He then turns  to me and says, "we're going out to my favorite place for dinner tonight at 7. I hope you'll join us". Later on there is a knock at my door and it is Missy. She acts completely sympathetic, brings me tea and chips and some magazines. She tells me if I let myself sleep, I will wake up pain free. She offers me benadryl for the swelling. She's being so nice that I tell her about the invite tonight. She asks me, "do you have the right attire?" I immediately feel foolish. Do I? I think. She tells me, "oh don't worry, he was probably just being nice, he's a nice guy". I say, "so I shouldn't go". She laughs and says, "you need to sleep. We're going by boat to Hyannisport tomorrow, it's going to be a long day!" She says this with enthusiasm.
    The next morning Friday, I am out in the family room straightening up things, setting out a Gods-eye project for the kids. The kids come downstairs and ask about my bite. They give me hugs. They are excited about my project and work on it. We have breakfast outside. Then Missy shows up and asks me, "Are the bags ready?". I have no idea what she is talking about. She says she told me we were going on her friend's boat to Hyanissport today and we were supposed to be ready. No one has said anything to me and I haven't seen either parent. I scramble to get things ready. And she takes point to make mention of last night at a certain restaurant...where she had joined the family in my place!
    How do I deal with Missy? I want to hurt her!

The Too Good Nanny

Rosa Comelles

Hello Everyone.

I have a two part situation and I hope for input from nannies and employers.

The first is that there are times my nanny does something not in line with my parenting philosophy or that I think she should check with me first for and I take issue with it. Sometimes with her, often times with my husband. I want him to hear my complaint, validate it and give me a solution or move on. Not once has he ever validated my problems with the nanny. He responds by saying, "let's not rock that boat', "you know we have a good thing going here" and "I think you're overeacting/taking things too literally, taking things too seriously". Does anyone else experience this? My nanny is wonderful. Yes. But if my mother calls one morning and asks her to meet the kids at the mall for lunch and to buy them swimsuits, wouldn't you think I should hear of it before? I don't require permission, I just want to know what is going on. A text would have sufficed.

The second part of my situation again deals with the nanny. She eats very healthy and has introduced us to some very healthy concepts, stores, etc. We only buy certified organic now. We eat less process food than ever before because of her ideas that she implements on her own. She doesn't need to be micromanaged. An example of something she did wonderful is she bought whole grain bread, organic peanut butter and fresh preserves and made sandwiches, cut them out in circle shapes and froze ten in the freezer. Previously, I'll admit, I let my kids eat the frozen pb&J. So that's great. Something I didn't like was washing out a sippy cup my four year old uses for the car (for spill purposes only) and finding a white powder. When I asked the child what it is, she told me X put powder in her orange juice. So I asked X for clarification. She tells me she has been adding a pinch of dichotomous earth to all three children's drinks for the past couple of weeks. Don't you think I should know that? She explained all of the benefits, but again, after the fact.

I am a working mother and leave the house every day by 730 and usually don't return before 6. Is what I am feeling normal or territorial?

Email isynblog@gmail.com.