Update - My Aching Heart

I would like to thank everyone for the advice that was given to me. A few weeks after I left the job I was very sad. I was going to wait sometime before contacting the twins’ mom and see how the kids and family were doing but a friend of mines (who is a nanny, except to a little baby) told me that if I didn’t contact them soon the kids would think I forgot about them and think I never cared about them, and she told me its best to keep them in contact and stay close. I followed the advice and started contacting them. I know it's my own fault for doing so and I should've waited a while before going into contact or just not contacting them at all. I missed the kids and I truly loved them but I honestly never thought I would feel such sadness about leaving them.

I had been a babysitter before and looked after some kids over and over again but stopped a few months before I started being a nanny to the twins which was my first job as a nanny. I was sad that I left the kids I babysat but I moved on not too long after. I’ve never been this upset over them like I am the twins. I don’t like feeling this type of sadness or depression, I was such a happy go lucky girl before this and I feel like a switch flipped on me and I’ve done a 180. I didn’t realize how creepy or obsessive I was being these past few months.

On Saturday night, I had locked up the pictures and gifts I had of the kids and told myself the kids were happy and loved and well cared for by their parents and that they didn’t need me anymore. I woke up Sunday morning with a real sense of happiness that I haven’t felt in months. I didn’t feel much of an ache in my heart. It felt good to be truly happy that day and I am still feeling the happiness now though I do still think of the children from time to time. But, I hope I am finally getting over the sadness I had.

I have taken all of your advice to heart and will definitely follow what I have been told. I’ve been searching for a good therapist who will hopefully be able to help me. Even though I am feeling some happiness now I do know that I still need to get help as I am still dealing with some sadness and my problems aren’t over yet. Also, just because I am feeling happiness now doesn’t mean the sadness won’t come back later on. I am still planning to go to school next semester as I am happy to start my education towards a degree I love and hopefully find a new job. I am also looking forward to finding new hobbies that I can enjoy. I am hoping to reach a happy and healthy state of mind. I will not be sending the kids any Christmas gifts or any other gifts in the future. I will be going no contact as I need to move on as well as stop holding the kids back.

Thank you all for the advice.

I have some questions: When I’m on no contact, what should I do if the mom decides to contact me or if I see them randomly in public how should I act? If you have any more advice for me please share.

Thank you.